Episode 2 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

Yes, I'm Iain Stirling, and I'm here to take you on a trip to Funtown,

even if you've forgotten your permission slip. You're welcome!

But before we get started, here are the school announcements.

The winner of the school's tallest pupil competition

is revealed to have cheated.

We're still having problems with the leak in the boys' toilets,

but I'm very impressed by the students who are working round it.

I'm pleased to announce we will be hiring a full virtual theme park

after the recent success of the roller-coaster simulator.

But it's time we kicked things off, so let's check the register

and see who's drooling for a schooling today.

-On my left, we have Holly.

-Here, sir!

And on her team we have professional rib tickler Paul McCaffrey.

-Here, Mr Stirling.

-You all right, Paul?

And the very beautiful Mark from Sam and Mark.

Here, mate.

Good! Chuck them in a blender and what you get is Pallymark.

I actually feel like I've come off quite well out of that.

I feel like I've had an upgrade.

That's what Mark looks like when he's got no make-up on.

I look like that about eight o'clock in the morning.

-Definitely.

-That looks like they're trying to hold down a trump.

-Yeah.

-What is the face you make

when you're trying not to embarrass yourself in a lift?

Ooh!

-Well, there you go. And on my right, we have got Grant.

-Here, sir.

-He is joined by all-round funny woman Vic Cook.

-Here, Mr Stirling!

-Hello! And we also have Sam from Sam and Mark.

-Here, sir.

And you condense them all together and what you get is Grantoram.

-Wow.

-I think he's very handsome.

-Yeah, it's quite good, actually.

There is something around the eyes that's very attractive.

It looks like a male version of Nanny McPhee. Doesn't it?

It does a bit, yeah!

Anyway, let's show our teams some love!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, teams, this is how we do things around here.

Every time you win a round, you get to hand in some of this homework.

If you want your team to come out on top,

you'll need to hand in the most homework by the end of the show,

cos if you don't, you'll wind up in detention

under the supervision of our PE teacher,

a man whose biceps have different postcodes.

It's Mr Smash.

HE ROARS

ROCK MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

What's that you've got there, Mr Smash?

Oh, right, an MP3 player, mate? Finally embracing the 21st century.

Here, don't forget to put your CD collection on it, buddy.

SMASH!

-MUSIC STOPS

-Huh? Huh?!

I'll replace it, mate. Totally my fault.

So, that's what you get if you muck up.

And remember, as far as the points go, it's Iain's school, so it's...

Well, we're on the clock, so let's kick things off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, first up it's Shedloads, a round that gets you

thinking on your feet while you're sat on your bums.

I'll ask you a question that has a shedload of right answers.

Team by team, you have to give me as many of them as possible.

When you've given all that you've got or if I get bored,

I'll move on to the next question.

The team that I think does the best can hand in their homework.

OK, first question is on PE.

-Go.

-Netball.

-Netball.

-Handball.

-Yep.

-Basketball.

-Yep.

-Bogey flicking!

Good one. Disgusting, but right.

-Volleyball.

-Yeah.

-Mini tennis.

-Mini tennis?

-Mini tennis?! What's mini tennis?

-What's mini tennis?

Tennis played by borrowers?

-Move on.

-Snooker.

-Yeah.

-Clapping!

-Weird, but OK!

-Golf.

-Golf, yeah.

-Artistic dance.

Sam Nixon is the least sporty person I've ever met in my life.

Hey, I loved dance at school.

-Next one.

-Chess.

-Yeah. I'd accept that from you.

Chess and snooker at school?!

-Er, thumb war.

-Oh, good one!

-Good one.

-The handy-pandy one.

-Do it.

-Ah. I'm not very... No. We didn't...

-Move on.

-Bowling.

-Yeah.

-BUZZER

-No!

-Bowls!

-Yeah!

-Skittles.

-Yeah.

-Making funny noises.

HIGH-PITCHED CARTOON VOICE: # Duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh!

-That's brilliant!

-Was that actually you? That's amazing!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Next up, school stuff.

-McCaffrey, you're an idiot.

-Boom.

-Fail.

-Boom.

D minus.

-A plus.

-Oh!

-A minus.

Oh! Let's not go through EVERY letter of the alphabet!

-Next one.

-A cat.

-Next one.

-Must try harder.

-Yeah.

-Tick.

-Yep.

-A cross.

-Ooh!

-Copycat.

Good show. Not as good as this one. Next one.

-Urgghh...

-No, I've never seen "Urgghh" written in a report card.

-Next one.

-Needs to listen more.

-What, sorry?

-Needs to listen more.

-Good, good.

BOOM!

That's why he's got his own show! You guys?

I was going to say bread, cheese, milk,

because he's mistaken your book for his shopping list.

-Fair enough?

-There you go. Let's move on to...

Let's just have a laugh, shall we?

-Go.

-Bonsoir.

-Watcha.

-Sawasdee.

-What's occurring?

-All right, mate?

All right, pal?

It sounds a bit threatening. Doesn't mean to, but it does.

-How are ya?

-'Ey up.

-Bore da.

Oh!

OHHH!

Hiya.

-Alreet?

-Hi!

-What's this bit here?

-If you're being really quick. Hi!

You're saying hello and changing a light bulb at the same time.

Hi, you OK? Any more?

Word up!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-That's the end of the round!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what, mate? Because you drew such a beautiful cat,

I am going to give that round

to Holly's team!

CHEERING

Holly's team, hand in your homework!

OK, get ready to show your workings out

cos it's time for Guesstimate.

And today's challenge will have you thinking out of the box,

quite literally. Let's see what you're up against.

There we go. I've dug out the school's collection

of lost and found clothes.

The question is, how many items of clothing can we get on your persons

in 45 seconds? So, Grant's team, are you quick dressers?

I read this article that says a celebrity is a person who looks like

they've got changed in the morning for over two hours.

I guess that team's not got any celebrities!

ALL: Ooh!

I'm not going to lie to you, it takes a long time to look this good.

He gave up after an hour to find the sleeves for his suit jacket.

-Wait a minute!

-Let's go to the best-looking member of Holly's team.

-McCaffrey.

-It took me ages to pick the perfect outfit

and then I changed out of that and put this on.

So, guys, what we'll do is, we'll stick ten seconds on the clocks

so you can road test your dressing-up tactics.

Ready, steady, start getting dressed!

-Only ten seconds. Hurry up.

-Come on, someone put the button on this.

Hurry up!

BELL RINGS

Brilliant. So, Mark, how many items of clothing did you get on?

A half.

Grant, what's happened to you? You've had a fight with a wardrobe

-and lost.

-Victoria looks like my dinner lady.

Get the clothes off and have a little sit back down.

Holly, what are you thinking? Who do you think can get the most clothes

-on in the allotted time?

-Mark. Yeah.

-Mark.

-He looks like a fast dresser.

-Just practising for you.

-What's that move?

-Putting on a shirt.

Grant, what about you? Who do you think, Vic or Sam?

Who do you reckon will be the quickest?

I think Sam's just a born clothes "put'er-on'er."

I'm ready to take on the challenge. Thanks, Grant.

What's going to happen, what I'm going to ask both the teams,

is how many items of clothing you reckon Sam and Mark, respectively,

can stick on in 45 seconds.

The team that guesstimates the highest will take on the challenge.

-Write them down. You writing down, Holly?

-Yeah.

On the count of three, reveal your numbers. One, two, three...

guesstimate now!

-What?! 25!!

-I was not a part of this.

-What did you go for, originally, Holly?

-10,000.

-That's a lot.

-Well, that means that Sam is taking on the challenge.

Holly, do you want to hand in your homework now or do you want to wait

-until after?

-Now! Wait, like Grant said, I'm a professional

-clothes "put'er-on'er."

-In that case, make your way down to Lost & Found.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, guys, are you ready? Vic and Grant, you help out.

Your time starts in three, two, one...go!

Go! Come on!

Put it on properly!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Get it on, get it on!

Get it on, get it on, get it on!

No chance. No.

Hold on! I can't see a thing I'm doing!

-You can do it!

-I think he's going to do it.

We're almost at the end of the box! We're still going!

That's an item of clothing. Come on! Come on!

Get them on my legs!

-On my legs!

-Tie those jeans round. Tie those jeans round.

Things are falling off all over!!

BELL RINGS

-Stop, stop, OK!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop, stop, stop.

Grant, I'm going to ask you to put down the airbed.

Hold the rest of it.

Vic and Grant, make your way back to your table, please.

-This is lovely. What is this look?

-This is, you know,

autumn-winter, sort of, catalogue.

-sort of.

-Autumn-winter catalogue - all of it.

-All of it! That counts! That counts!

-Put it over your head.

-String mask.

We need to find out if you made your target.

If you make 25 or higher, Grant's handing in homework.

-If it's lower, Holly's handing in the homework.

-OK.

I can reveal that Sam Nixon, professional clothes "put'er-on'er",

in 45 seconds, you put on 29 items of clothing!

In your face!

Grant, hand in your homework! Sam, take a seat.

Right, it is time for the round...

KNOCKING

-Hello, who is it?

-It's Eve, from Class 4B.

-In you come, Eve,

from class 4B. Wow! Eve, have you just come from science?

-Yep.

-And you're sure you're all right?

-Yeah. Why?

-You've got a little something on your face.

-Have I?

-Where?

-Yes, something's just not quite right.

-I'll let you have...

-Thank you.

Oh, yes, silly me.

There! Much better!

-There you go.

-Thanks very much, Eve.

-Eve, everyone.

-Bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so we have got some deodorant from the lost property box.

That's my deodorant. I forgot it after PE.

-You can get it later on.

-I need it now.

-No!

ALL: Eugh!

It's time for our language round, called # Say Whaaaat? Victoria,

# Say Whaaaat?

-# Say Whaaaat?

-Sam.

-# Say Whaaaat?

-Mark.

-# Say Whaaaat?

-Paul.

-# Say Whaaaat?

-Calm down, mate. You've taken that too far.

Unbelievable. This one's as simple as it gets.

I'll give you lot a handful of words from around the world.

All you guys need to do is tell me what you think they mean.

Whichever team I think does best overall can hand in their homework.

Buzz in when you think you know what this word means.

This is your first word here.

BELL

-Yeah?

-A foot for a baby?

LAUGHTER

Correct in English, but it means something else...

BELL

-Sam?

-Bigfoot's son.

Is it an ironic nickname for someone with really big feet,

like, you call a giant bloke Tiny?

-Oh, there is, look, old Baby-foot. Someone with size 15 shoes!

-A clown!

-Yes?

-In French, something like baby football, like babies play football?

Do you know what, Holly? It's close enough, I'm going to give you that.

Baby-foot is the French word for table football.

But, wait, wait, I know what you're all thinking.

Iain, that's all fine and well but how do you pronounce that?

Well, it's a little something like this.

-SUAVE FRENCH ACCENT VOICE-OVER:

-Baby-foot.

LAUGHTER

-OK...

-What should it have sounded like?

-A little something...

like this.

-SUAVE FRENCH ACCENT VOICE OVER:

-Baby-foot.

Our next word is this one.

-Holly?

-Is it something like a Halloween costume,

like a snotty ghost or something?

-A snotty ghost?

-A-tish-oooooooo!

A ghoul-based pun. No-one thought it possible.

It's like a really posh word for when you trump,

so it's like, "Urgh, Deidre dropped a snollygoster!"

I think it's an umbrella for turkeys.

-Don't forget your snollygoster.

-HE IMITATES A TURKEY

That's not bad. I'm going to give you guys the answer.

It's an American-English word for an unscrupulous or unprincipled person.

-Do you want to know what that would've sounded like?

-Yes, please.

Well, that word would've sounded a little something like this.

-NEW YORK ACCENT VOICE-OVER:

-Snollygoster!

-There you go.

-Nice.

-Our next word is this one.

-Ooh!

-Vick?

I think it's like the sound that an Italian ambulance would make,

so it's like, "Ni-na, na-na, ni-na, na-na!"

Holly?

Like a child walking along with grandma, like falling over,

like, "Ni-na, na-na, ni-na!"

To be honest, Holly, if my grandmother fell over,

I'd try and catch her!

I would! If she made that noise...! Boof! And I'm like,

"Ni-na, na-na, na-na!" That must really help her out!

"Right, I'm off!"

It's if the person you're saying hello to is called something else

and you think it's Nina. You go, "How're you doing, Nina-na..."

-Good.

-I'm going to give you the actual answer.

-It is Italian for lullaby.

-How's it pronounced?

I'm glad you asked me, cos it sounds a little something like this.

-ITALIAN ACCENT VOICE-OVER:

-Ni-na na-na!

Right, well, that is MORE than enough of that.

Grant's team, you've done very well, but Holly, ni-na na-na-nah,

which is Italian for "hand in your homework!"

OK, so, we're about halfway through the show,

so let's check in with Smash for the scores.

So, Smash, what have Grant's team got?

Grrrrrr!

Oh, and, er, what about Holly's team?

Grrrrrrr!

Mmm, so, Grant's team, you're trailing at the minute.

You'd better pull your socks up if you want to dodge detention

with Mr Smash. Believe me, you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Aaarrrrrrrggggh!

That's one of his five-a-day! Let's get on with the next round.

OK, it's time for What Happened Was,

a round where our teams bang their heads together to come up with

a good excuse for not handing in their homework.

But what will their excuses be about?

Let's find out by grabbing some words from the audience. Let's go!

OK, I need some words from the audience.

-Name?

-Snowm... Shannon.

Your name's snowman?!

-Your parents must hate you! OK, what's your name?

-Shannon.

-And what's your word, Shannon?

-Snowman.

-Snowman. OK.

-What's your name?

-Naomi.

-And what's your word?

-Electric eel.

Electric eel?! Wow!

-OK, what's your name?

-Olivia.

And what's your word?

-Fantastical.

-Fantastical. Good word.

Going to go with... We've got Zayn from One Direction.

-What's your word, Zayn?

-Butterflies.

-Butterflies. Ooh!

So, Holly's team,

you've got to come up with your excuse using the words...

So, get thinking. I'm going to get some words for Grant's team.

-What's your name?

-Erin.

-What's your word, Erin?

-Martian.

-Martian?!

Nice one. And what is your word?

-Cheese factory.

-Cheese factory!

-What's your name, teacher?

-Eva.

-Eva. What's your word?

-Octopus.

-Why octopus? Why did you pick that?

-Don't know.

-Do you want me to not sit next to you any more, Eva?

-Yes!

OK. Next word.

-What's your name?

-Rachel.

-And what's your word...?

-Pineapple.

-"Rachel, pineapple!"

OK, Grant's team. Your words are...

Right, we've got our words. So, let's get fibbing. Come on!

-OK, Holly.

-Homework?

-So, bring it over, mate. Hand it in.

-Well, I kind of haven't done it.

-You've not done it at all?

-But I do have an excuse.

-Let's hear it then.

Well, I was going out for my birthday meal

-and I've have been waiting for this all year!

-Happy birthday, by the way.

-Nice one, OK.

-We were walking to this restaurant called Fantastico.

-So, anyway, I ordered this, like, non-alcoholic cocktail.

-Right, OK.

-But it has butterflies in it!

-A butterfly cocktail?!

-I was fuming!

-Really?!

-Absolutely fuming!

-Well, that's understandable.

You don't want a butterfly in your drink.

Because when I get angry I've got snowman-itis.

What is that?

What happens is, I turn into this massive, pink snowman.

You're like a winter version of the Incredible Hulk.

Yes, and my brother has electric-eel-itis as well.

-What does...?

-He turns into an electric eel. He's like...

I think I've read that comic book. It's a good one.

So once we'd been on our massive adventure I got home

but by then it was, like, half-six in the morning, I had no time to do it.

-Ah!

-So that's why I haven't done my homework.

-Entirely plausible.

Don't worry, though. Grant, you hand in your homework and, er...

You will not believe what happened to Grant!

-VOICE-OVER:

-School disco!

School disco!

DANCE MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-What happened, mate?

-I was at, erm...

a pineapple party,

and it was set in a cheese factory.

-Well, cos...pineapple and cheese.

-Exactly.

One of the greatest hors d'oeuvres known to man.

-I went there with my pet Martian who goes everywhere with me.

-Everywhere.

-You're not going to leave a Martian on its own, are you?

-No.

And basically out of the top of the pineapple popped this octopus

-with his sticky thingies.

-His suckers?

-Yeah.

He just grabbed my homework and took it away, never to be seen again.

I know, it's heartbreaking.

Well, you've both got entirely plausible excuses.

But we need to decide whose is the most believable.

So, audience, if you are a fan of butterfly cocktails, cheer now.

-CHEERING

-Come on!

Or if you prefer your octopuses out of a pineapple,

cheer for Grant right now.

CHEERING

-SAM:

-That's louder, that's louder.

Well, that was close.

-So I'm going to have to call it a draw.

-What?!

-Both of you, hand in your homework.

-What?!

APPLAUSE

OK, so before we get on with the next round, Paul,

you're clearly not putting in the effort, mate. I'm furious.

-In fact, I'll give you some lines.

-Oh, what? That's not fair.

Yeah, I'm giving you lines, mate.

You do that and let me know when you're done, yeah? Here, Vic?

-Yeah?

-I want your female opinion on this.

-Yeah.

I was thinking of growing a beard.

-Yeah, why not? You'd suit a beard.

-I'll give it a go. Here we go.

HE GRUNTS

Ooh...argh...

POP!

-What do you think?

-Gorgeous.

-I'm actually...a bit bored of it,

-if I'm being honest.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

SHAVER BUZZES AND CUTS

-Finished.

-All right, mate, let's have a look.

It says, "Iain is not my real teacher and I wish he would leave me alone."

-Good. Well, I hope that taught you a lesson, mate. Did it?

-No.

-Good.

Right, well, let's move on.

OK, here we go with the race to the finish. It's All Kinds Of Wrong.

In this round, I'll be throwing all sorts of questions at each team.

When the spotlight stops on you, you have to give me

the first wrong answer that comes to mind.

Every wrong answer you give me means

a bonus piece of homework in the bank. Have you got it?

-SAM: Got it.

-Well...

-MARK:

-No. No.

See, they got it right,

because you can't say the right answer, Sam.

Yeah, but I...haven't got it!

Grant's team, you're up first so, please,

get yourself under...the Wrong Ray.

OK, guys. You are against the clock.

-So, in three, two, one...

-KLAXON SOUNDS

Don't count your chickens before they...?

Fall over.

An apple a day keeps who away?

Ti...tigers.

The "T" in T Rex stands for...?

Ti-per-pita-per.

Name a Teletubby.

Jeremy Kyle.

You put your heart on your h...?

-Haaaair!

-BUZZER

Harry Potter and the Chamber of S...?

Scrambled eggs.

Good things come to those who...?

Watch Sam and Mark's Big Friday Wind Up on CBBC.

Christmas Day is in the month of...?

Fruit.

Arachnophobia is a fear of...?

Kissing grandmas.

-What noises does a duck make?

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, time up.

-APPLAUSE

Well done, guys.

That was the biggest load of rubbish I have ever heard

so take your seats back by the desk, please. Give it up for the team.

APPLAUSE

OK, guys. Your time starts in

-three, two, one...

-KLAXON SOUNDS

Snow White and the Seven...?

-Oranges.

-OK.

Don't judge a book by its...?

Sausages.

OK. Pop goes the what?

"Hi."

"LOL" means laughing out...?

Swindon.

Are you a man?

No.

If your tooth is sore, you visit the...?

Telly.

How many days in a week?

Big Ben.

An owl goes...

HE GRUNTS

You shouldn't keep all your eggs in one...?

Cardiff.

-Christopher Columbu... Oh!

-BELL RINGS

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah! Nonsense, nonsense.

That could've made all the difference to the scores

but then again, I could be wrong.

Holly's team, go back to your seats

while I work out who's scored top marks.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Detention's calling, so it's time to find out who gets an A

and who gets an "Ah".

Are you ready, Smash?

Graaghhh, ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Aw, look. His mum got him that necklace for Christmas.

-Ha-ha!

So, here we go, let's find out which team are swotty

and which team are...

ALL: Notty!

AUDIENCE WHOOP WITH RISING EXCITEMENT

Today's winners are...

Holly's team!

ALL: Yeah!

High-five.

Well done, Holly's team. That is bad news for you, Grant.

You guys are going to have to take the Walk of Shame. Off you go.

MR SMASH LAUGHS CRUELLY

Watch it, Smashy. Be careful with Sam, he's not insured.

Well done, Holly's team.

Anyway, that's all for today but before we go,

please give it up for Grant's team in detention, Sam, Vic and Grant.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Give it up for our victors, Mark, Paul and Holly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, everyone, for watching, and remember, we didn't learn much,

but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

ALL: The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

APPLAUSE