Episode 3 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling and I'm here

to make sure you all learn your lessons.

So fasten your seat belts

as we kick off with today's announcements.

Congratulations to Year 7's fashion project.

You did a fabulous job recycling the janitor's old teeth.

LAUGHTER

Could Princess Aurora, Year 8,

please meet Prince William, Year 9, in the school nurse's office.

He claims you owe him a kiss.

LAUGHTER

And due to bad behaviour, every student in Mr Smash's

gym class has been suspended.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, sit up and face front,

cos it's time to take the register.

Let's see who's going to get some lines today!

-On my left we have Harley.

-Here!

On Harley's team, we have the tiny tartan terror Susan Calman.

Here, Mr Stirling.

And we also have fun-loving comedian Mawaan Rizwan.

Here, Miss!

Sir.

Mash them altogether,

and what you get is MaLeySue!

Oh, that is beautiful!

We're very attractive.

It does look a bit like

a young Johnny Depp.

Travelling at 100mph.

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

And, to my right, we have Callum.

And on Callum's team

we have got the 4 O'Clock Club's very own Dan Wright!

-Present and correct.

-And from Who Let the Dogs Out

-it's Ashleigh Butler.

-I'm here.

-You are indeed. Mash them together

and what you get is DanCalAsh!

Hello, beautiful.

That looks a little bit like Clare Balding.

By a little bit you mean exactly.

That looks like a Ron Weasley gone wrong.

OK, please give it up for today's teams.

APPLAUSE

Right, ears open. Let's talk tactics.

Every time you win a round, you get to hand in some of this homework.

That means, if you want to be top of the class,

you have to hand in as much homework as you possibly can

by the end of the show.

And the team that hands in the least

gets detention with our one and only PE teacher.

A man who makes Lord Voldermort look like your nan - it's Mr Smash!

MR SMASH SCREAMS

Smash is helping out today because our lollipop lady is ill.

It's not an actual lollipop.

Don't eat that...

That's quite impressive, actually. And remember,

as far as the points go, its Iain's School,

-so it's...

-ALL: Iain's Rules.

They are my rules! Now stop your jibber-jabbering, and let's play!

This round is called Shedloads, and here's how it works.

I'll give you guys questions

which have a shedload of correct answers.

We'll bounce back and forth between the teams

and when we've exhausted all possible answers

I'll fire another question into the mix.

The team I think does best can hand in their homework. Everybody ready?

ALL: Yes!

Good. OK. Our first question is biology.

-On you go.

-Green Lantern.

-Yes.

-Ian Stirling.

-Is the correct answer.

-Superman.

-Superman. Yes.

Super Dinner Lady.

Super Dinner Lady, she serves sprouts like no other.

-Thor.

-Thor. He just warms things up a bit.

-Noel Edmonds.

-Yes!

How he makes opening boxes exciting, that's extraordinary, isn't it?

-Harley.

-What's your superhuman skill?

-Eating.

-Harley's going to eat all the homework today.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Timmy Mallet.

How did you know Timmy Mallet?!

Because he's got such an awesome surname.

-I have no idea who he is.

-He looks like Alan Carr.

I suppose he is, really. Next.

-Clare Balding.

-Yes.

-Knows a lot about horses.

-Yes.

-OK.

-Louie Spence.

-Yes.

-The way he does that.

I don't need to see that.

-OK.

-Pudsey.

-Pudsey, yes.

You're not wrong, Ashleigh.

Take a look at that.

Pudsey the dog, everybody.

APPLAUSE

We're moving on.

Home economics.

-Tomatoes.

-Yoghurt.

-OK.

-Nuts.

-Yes.

Raisins.

Casserole.

It happens.

Don't laugh, I'm a victim.

Milk and cats.

-They go together.

-Great minds think alike.

-OK.

-Horse.

-Allergic to horse?

Just the one.

-I'm allergic to boybands.

-# Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy. #

I'm coming out in a rash.

-OK.

-Brussels sprouts. I'm allergic to Brussels sprouts.

-Me too.

-Yeah. Ha!

-Washing powder.

-True.

I get a right rash on my bum some days

when mum uses the wrong washing powder on me pants.

-Belgium.

-Belgium's a country.

Yes, and I can't go there.

Let's move on. It's school stuff.

-Kiss Tag.

-Kiss Tag!

-That thing where you jump on the numbers.

-Hopscotch.

-Amazing.

-Skipping.

-Yes.

-Swapsies.

-Got, got, need, need.

-Dan was in a band called Swapsies.

Do the song.

# Got, got, need, need. #

-Kerby.

-Kerby, what a great game.

Detention. You might not get to go out at break

-because you're doing detention.

-Yes.

I used to pretend to be a turtle at school.

The thing is, that doesn't surprise me.

Ready?

-That's very good.

-Next.

-Horses.

-What, just doing that?

-No, I'd pretend I was a horse.

I was always a black one.

Imagine Ashleigh going into school like...

Anyone want to play with me? Where you going, I've got hooves?

-Can we play a game of horses, Ashleigh?

-No!

-How would you...

-It's like...

-I think I know what you mean, actually.

-It was like this.

What is this?

APPLAUSE

I like that game.

We used to play a game called

Run Away From The Weird Kid Playing Horses.

BELL RINGS

You've both done really well, but I think, because of the horse...

You can play horses with me!

SUSAN LAUGHS

That's not going to happen.

Callum, hand in your homework.

APPLAUSE

-Next up is the round where...

-KNOCK AT THE DOOR

-Hello, who is it?

-It's Eddie from Class 4B.

In you come, Eddie from Class 4B. Come on, mate. Oh!

-Eddie, is that paint?

-No.

-An accident in home ec?

-No.

-What happened then?

-I had a fight with the dinner lady.

-About what?

About how far she could throw a bowl of custard.

-Note for you, Ian.

-Thanks, mate. Give it up for Eddie, everybody!

Got a little school note here.

School announcement.

Year 7 trip to Madderton Maze was a great success.

Because they're all stuck there, which means less marking for me.

APPLAUSE

Everybody please contain themselves. It's time for Who Do You Think I Am?

Yes.

I will be doing my acting stuff

and you have to guess who I am personifying, right?

What does personifying mean?

-It means Iain doing really bad impressions.

-Shut up, mate.

We've got the prop box. Let's make all your dreams come true. Let's go.

-OK, Harley's team, you're up first.

-Have you started yet?

Not yet. Give me a second, mate.

Wow, gorgeous.

-This is going to be a long round.

-Here we go.

Are you a man or a woman? It's not quite clear yet.

Let me do the clue then.

HE SCREAMS

I'm a British warrior lady.

You look quite like Geri Halliwell. Are you Geri Halliwell?

# Look at me. #

You're Geri Halliwell.

-Can we have another clue?

-Yes, mate.

I'm often seen riding my chariot into battle. I've got a pet horse.

She often does this.

-Are you Clare Balding?

-No.

-Are you playing horsey?

Are you playing horsey?

-It's your friend from school.

-Are you Anne Robinson.

-No!

Are you Anne Robinson at a fancy-dress party?

Do you need help with that helmet?

Just take the helmet off.

It's part of the costume.

It wouldn't make sense otherwise.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Mr Smash, do you know who I am?

MR SMASH SCREAMS

Helen Mirren. Good guess.

I think Harley knows who you are.

I was in a play at school and we travelled back in time

and I was Boudicca.

Well, I'm going to give you the third clue.

And you can see if that's your answer.

There are also lots of different ways to spell my name.

Are you Rihanna?

No!

And legend has it that I am buried under Kings Cross station.

And about three years ago I met a little ginger girl

who was doing a play and she went, "Hello, I'm Harley."

Get away! Get away from the helmet.

This is how you wear a helmet.

-Who am I?

-Boudicca.

-Is the correct answer.

Yes, Boudicca, queen of the Iceni

and defeater of the Roman 9th Legion. OK.

Callum's team, it's your turn now. You'll be glad to know.

-Chris Tarrant.

-Chris Tarrant has never had a beard.

-He might do, one day.

-Great guess -

what Chris Tarrant might look like in the future.

-Tommy Cooper.

-Tommy Cooper?

-Harry Potter.

-Harry Potter?

Harry Potter after he graduated during the recession

and it all went terribly wrong.

-Have you started yet?

-Of course not, mate!

You're incredibly aggressive at the moment.

Here we go. I'm going to get into character.

HE HUMS SOFTLY

I am taller than the average American man.

I'm taller than them.

You do realise, when you do American,

you don't have to talk out of the side of your mouth.

You look like a really bad ventriloquist.

What are you talking about?

-You're a tall American.

-I'm a tall American guy.

-Walking about the street.

-That knocks out Michelle Obama.

I'm not Michelle Obama, very perceptive.

Clue number dos.

That means two in the old US of A.

-The accent's going.

-No, it's not.

If you went to Mount Rushmore,

you would see I have chiselled features.

So you live at Mount Rushmore?

-I'm on Mount Rushmore, man. I be on that bad boy.

-Batman?

Batman when his costume's in the dry-cleaner's?

-He's just gone out for the day with what he could find.

-Last clue.

-Is it actual...

-It is, actually. Do you want some?

-Can I have some?

-It's sweet.

Sweet, like my acting.

It's overdone like your acting.

I just realised I've given Harley lots of sugar.

Last clue, Callum. Here we go.

My last night in the theatre didn't go down well with the crowd

cos I got myself shot!

Daniel Day-Lewis got an Oscar for being me.

He's a talented guy, old Daniel.

-Probably an actor, due to the popcorn.

-Yeah.

You've got the fez, the beard, the weird cloak.

Do you know the answer?

You can say the answer if you know the answer.

I would like it if you said the answer.

-I feel so much pressure right now.

-Say the answer, Ashleigh!

-Abraham Lincoln.

-Is the correct answer.

I was the bearded-faced 16th President of the United States of A.

Well, that's the end of the round.

Both teams, due to my phenomenal acting,

got the right answer, so follow me up here

and hand in your homework.

OK, we have reached he midway in the show,

so let's go over to Smash for the scores.

You all right, Smashy?

Ah, look at him go. He's training for the Commonwealth Games.

Maybe some water would help, Smashy!

That's a shame. He could have been a contender! OK.

Let's have the scores. What have Callum's team got?

OK, and what about Harley's team?

Right, well, Callum's team, you're ahead at the moment.

So, Harley's team need jump to it, or it'll be detention with Mr Smash.

MR SMASH SCREAMS

What are those two like! Anyway, time for the next round.

So, now it is time for our science round

and, as our science round is pretty weird,

we've called it Weird Science.

-Wow.

-I so did not see that coming!

I will show you some scientific facts with words blanked out

and all you have to do is fill in the blanks.

I'm looking for funny suggestions,

or anything close enough to the real answer.

And whoever I think does the best can hand in their homework.

Callum, can I hear your buzzer.

Lovely. Harley, can I hear your buzzer.

I didn't expect it to be that loud.

OK, here is your first science fact.

-Callum.

-A fact can travel out of your mouth at 100mph.

Yeah, and if you're a lie, you better duck.

A horn can travel out of your trumpet

at 100mph

when Harley is using it.

Yes.

-A telling-off can travel out of your mother at 100mph.

-That is true.

You're into science fiction, aren't you, Callum?

-Big Doctor Who fan, aren't you?

-I am.

I believe you can name all the Doctor Whos. Can you?

-Yeah.

-Go for it.

William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker

Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann,

Christopher Eccleston, David Tennant, Matt Smith, Peter Capaldi.

Harley's team.

A list of Doctor Whos can travel out of his mouth at 100mph.

It can.

Anyone else?

A spell can travel out of your wand at 100mph.

I've got a Harry Potter wand

and I do it in the house like that to see if the washing-up will happen.

-Has it ever happened?

-Not yet. But I'm going to keep trying.

I'll give you a clue. It involves your nose.

A snotty bogey can travel out of your nose at 100mph.

You made it more childish than it needed to be.

I'll give you the points.

Well done, Callum's team.

OK, next one...

Ian's feet are made of cheese.

You're actually wrong. They smell of cheese.

Sweet dreams are made of this.

-It's a song.

-Who am I to disagree?

-I was going to say that.

-This is the best TV show ever.

Callum, all your references are from the '80s.

Blame my parents.

-OK.

-Old people are made of biscuits.

-They do smell of biscuits.

-They do smell of biscuits.

Jedward are made of blancmange.

Jedward are actually made of hair gel.

I'll give you a clue. You are made of something. What are you made of?

Technically humans are made of carbon.

I don't know, but factually that is the correct answer.

I'm going to give you that. You are made of stardust.

I'm going to give you a point for that.

OK, our next science fact is...

-TANNOY: 'SCHOOL DISCO!'

-It's School Disco!

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# You like to move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it... #

-Yes, Harley.

-Crocodiles can't sneeze their nose out.

Brilliant. They can't do that. Ashleigh.

-Crocodiles can't dance their heart out.

-Oh. Yes.

Crocodiles can't ask their friends out.

ALL: Ah!

They're lonely creatures.

They can't whisper in their ears

because their mouths are too far away.

Crocodiles can't withdraw their cash out.

-Cos they've got tiny little hands.

-They also can't scratch their belly.

-Just pat it.

-Susan.

Crocodiles can't take their library books out

because they forgot their library card.

Stupid crocodiles. No pockets. OK. I'm going to give you a clue.

It is to do with their tongues.

-Susan.

-I don't think they can stick their tongues out.

Susan is on a roll. Correct.

It was a close-fought battle.

It was a close round, but I think, Harley's team, you get the points.

Harley, please hand in your homework.

APPLAUSE

I'm sorry to do this, but we're having a few issues today. Susan.

-Don't act surprised.

-What?

I don't think you've been giving this your all.

I've been trying my best.

-I'm going to have to give you some lines.

-Aw, come on, Iain.

It's not my fault, mate.

Give me a shout when you're done.

In the meantime, have I told you

I do a little bit of balloon modelling?

-No.

-Give me a shout when you're done, OK?

-Iain, that's impressive.

-I can't quite...

-That's incredible.

-Mr Smash, what am I doing wrong?

MR SMASH SCREAMS

Oh, balloons together.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Susan...

Iain, I'm done.

Wicked, so...

What did you write?

-You do smell of cheese.

-What type of cheese?

-A mature Red Leicester.

I am very mature.

Let's do the next round.

It's time for Sprint Finish.

This is the round where both teams have to mime different things

to do with sports.

So if football comes up, you can just roll around on the floor,

clutching your ankle like a big baby.

Every correct answer is a piece of homework in the bank.

And you can't use words, but you can make noises.

OK, Harley's Team, you're up first,

which means, Susan, please make your way to the Sports Spot.

Come on, everyone.

-Do us proud.

-OK, Susan. Your time starts in three, two, one - go.

-Swimming. Swimming goggles.

-Correct.

-Weight-lifting.

-Correct.

-Golf.

-Hockey.

-Ice hockey.

-An item.

-Hockey stick.

-Yes.

-Jumping.

-Gymnastics.

-Starfish.

-Trampolining.

-Yes.

-Meditating. Yoga.

-Yes. Here we go.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

-Imagine she's wearing a nappy.

-Sumo Wrestling.

-Yes.

-Ashleigh doing horse impressions.

-No!

Running. Cycling!

Where is she cycling?

-On the road... TV studio?

-Garlic, berets...

-In a car park.

-Where is a famous cycling competition?!

-Oh. France.

-I'll give you that. Tour de France.

-Skateboarding.

-Yes.

-Table tennis.

-Yes.

Are you OK?

Swimming.

-Netball.

-Tap-dancing.

BELL RINGS

Callum's team, you're up next.

Ashleigh, please make your way to the Sports Spot!

Your time starts in three, two, one, Go!

-Tug of war.

-Yes, how did you get that?

-What?

It's a Scottish thing. You do it like this.

-Log-chucking.

-It's called tossing the caber. I'll give you that.

-Ice skating.

-Yes. Next one.

-Tennis.

-Tennis in a room.

-Badminton.

-Squash racquet.

-Yes.

Carry on. This will be amazing.

Handball.

Dog dancing.

She's on a broomstick.

Witching.

She's playing a sport.

-Quidditch.

-Yes.

Are you hibernating?

-You're going crazy.

-What is her hair?

-Going everywhere.

-Belly dancer.

You do that. Pretend to slide it.

Curling!

-Tenpin bowling.

-Yes.

Get off my desk. Get off my desk!

Stop it.

What are you doing?

-Pooh sticks.

-Yes.

Well done.

-Swimming.

-Relay.

-Trio swimming.

-When you do it all together.

Synchronised swimming.

BELL RINGS

You know what? Next year's Britain's Got Talent.

-That is what I'm doing.

-Simon Cowell going, "I've got no idea."

That was amazing. Give it up for Ashleigh.

I have no idea what happened. Let's take a minute

and find out who's scored top marks!

So it's time to find out which team will be laughing at prize-giving

and which team will be crying in detention with Mr Smash.

MR SMASH SCREAMS

Look, he's just having a bit of an afternoon snack.

He's a growing boy. That is absolutely disgusting.

Anyway, here we go.

Let's see which team are swotty, and which team are...

ALL: Naughty!

The winners are...

Callum's team!

Well done, Callum's team. Harley's team, commiserations.

You're going to detention. So please take the walk of shame.

Today you'll be helping Mr Smash

clean those dirty plates.

Get your sleeves rolled up!

-Come on, Susan.

-Get right in. That's all we've got time for today.

Please give it up for Harley, Susan and Mawaan in detention.

APPLAUSE

Please give it up to today's winners,

Callum, Dan and Ashleigh, everyone.

Thank you all for watching.

And remember, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

ALL: The Dog Ate My Homework.

See ya!