Episode 4 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling and I'm here to give 10 out of 10 for effort,

and 12 out of 10 for bad maths.

But before we get started, here are the school announcements.

The school's new crackdown on chewing gum is being taken very seriously.

Thanks to Mrs Morgan,

whose talk about accountancy really livened up careers week.

Our new art teacher has raised eyebrows

after painting a fire hydrant and then cocking her leg against it.

Right, let's get things moving by taking the register

and find out who needs teaching a lesson today.

On my left we have Grant.

Here, miss. Oh, sorry, sir.

And on his team we have cheeky comedian Paul McCaffery.

Present, Mr Stirling.

And from MI High, it's Oyiza Momoh.

Here, sir.

Stick 'em together and what you get is Groyzi-Aul.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear!

Paul's eyes on Grant's face do not look right.

Wow! Sorry, Grant!

And on my right we have Holly.

Here, sir.

On her team we also have the very funny Katie Mulgrew.

-Hiya.

-That's Northern for "here".

And the equally funny but slightly less Northern,

it's Charlie Baker, everybody.

Yes, Dad. Sir!

Put them all together and what you get is ChOllyTie.

-Yeah! Pretty good-looking.

-Pretty handsome.

-That's quite scary!

-That's terrifying!

It's like a weird baby!

It looks like something out of Lord Of The Rings, doesn't it?

It really does.

Everyone, give it up for today's teams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right - here's how this works.

Each team has shelves full of homework by their desks.

The team that hands in the most by the end of the show

will be the winner, but the losing side will be put into detention

under the supervision of our PE teacher.

A man so dangerous, he sleeps in a cage.

Good news for us, bad news for the lions. It's Mr Smash!

Aaaargh!

How are you today, Mr Smash?

What's that you've got there?

-Num-yum-yum!

-Your breakfast? You're having a bit of breakfast, mate?

Bags can be a bit fiddly, can't they?

You've got big hands so be careful, mate...

Aaaaargh!

Well, I suppose that's one way of doing it.

So, that's what's in store for you if you lose.

And remember, as far as the points go, it's Iain's School,

so it's...

Right, enough chit-chat. Let's do this thing already.

OK, so this round is called Body Language.

I am going to ask you questions which all have three-letter answers.

You have to spell out those answers using your bodies -

one letter each.

The team that spells out the most correct answers

gets to hand in their homework.

Holly's Team, please make your way to the front.

Come on, Holly!

OK, your time starts in 3...2...1... Go!

If you're a swot, then you're a "teacher's..." what?

-Oh, uh, OK.

-Pet. Pet. Oh, yeah! Right.

It comes after April.

AUDIENCE: May!

-Mobot-ing it!

-There you go!

The uniform for your neck.

-A tie.

-Oh, come on! What...?!

-E. Do an E!

-What's that?!

It looks like a bad octopus!

This is a very accurate E, I think you'll find!

Criminals break the...?

Law.

Do an L, Charlie.

I'm doing a small "l"!

If it's not the truth, then it's a...?

AUDIENCE: Lie!

-Oh, come on!

-Capital, Charlie!

-Sit down!

-As quickly as possible, please!

There we go!

You cut wood with an...?

-Axe.

-Saw.

-What we going for?

-Axe or saw?

Either. I'll take either!

-Do an axe!

-They just want to see Katie do an "E" again!

BELL RINGS Woah, woah, woah!

Katie, how long do you reckon you could hold an E for?

Oh! Not that long!

I'm going to sing an E note, and let's see how long. Ready?

# Eeeeeeeeeee... #

Go on, Katie! Go on, Katie!

Well done, guys. Please take your seats! APPLAUSE

All right, Grant's team,

I want you guys to do... Well, I say the same,

what I actually mean is, much better!

Yep. Here we go. 3...2...1...

Pupils are young, teachers are...?

AUDIENCE: Old!

Is that a D?

Other way! Other way!

A hen might lay one of these.

-Egg!

-Oh, yes. My G!

-Faster, faster!

In school, you "what" a question?

-Ask! Erm... Is that OK?

-What is that, McCaffrey?!

Grant is doing a Z!

You're the wrong way round, Grant, but you can have that!

Peter Capaldi is Doctor...?

-Who!

-Eh...

-Do an "H", mate.

Do a small one. Arm straight up, like that.

Like that, yeah! Other way!

That's the crane! There you go, I'll give you that!

You visit animals at one of these.

Zoo!

This'll be good! Watch this!

-Ah, very good, Paul.

-Nicely done!

-That is good, Paul.

You do this on a chair.

-Sit!

-Faster, faster!

BELL RINGS

OK, guys, take your seats, please.

I can tell you that that round was actually a draw,

so both of your teams get to hand in your homework!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, our next round is called... KNOCKING

Hello, who is it?

It's Eve, from Class 4B.

Hello, Eve, from Class 4B. In you come.

Have you just come from netball practice?

-No!

-Hockey?

No, I've come from the Lady GaGa fan club meeting.

There is only two of us.

LAUGHTER

Fair enough. What have you got for me?

-I've got a note.

-Thank you very much, Eve.

See you later. Give it up for Eve, everyone.

APPLAUSE

A school announcement for everybody.

"Thanks to everyone who took part in the Bring Your Dad To School Day

"last week, it was a bit of a success.

"If you forgot to bring your dad home again,

"please collect him by the end of the day,

"or else he'll be put in recycling." So, on with the show.

Now, it is time for everyone's favourite round,

it's time for Who Do You Think I Am?

-ALL GROAN

-Oh, not this!

Before your very eyes, I will transform myself

into some of the greatest characters from history.

Prepare to ask yourselves the question, "Where's Iain gone?"

Not far enough away, far as I'm concerned!

Anyway, we've got my props.

We've got the talent. That's me.

-Let's blow some minds!

-Oh, no!

-CHEERING

All right, guys, are you ready for some pretty powerful acting?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

You've come to the wrong place, unfortunately!

I am just going to get in. OK.

That's it, go back to bed. Just go back to bed!

Here we go, my first character.

SHRILL VOICE: I am an English woman...

You sound like my gran trying to do a French impression!

All right, Grant, just calm down!

I am an English woman who wore black for much of her life.

I also wore massive bloomers.

-Is it Superman?

-Supergran!

-Hi, do you like my ladies' bloomers?

-No! You're scaring me!

I don't think anybody likes your ladies' bloomers! No!

Who am I?

I don't know. But I don't want to know you!

Time for clue number two.

I'm an English woman, remember.

But your accent now sounds less English than your actual voice!

Stop laughing!

You're making me look stupid! OK!

I'll just not do it, then!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: OK.

Don't say, "OK"!

OK, here we go.

My face is so famous

I've been on money and stuff.

Recognise me?

Who am I?

I really don't know! Grant, what do you think?

I don't know. It looks like Lady GaGa in a bad costume!

OK! Last clue.

I had a whole era named after me,

there's an animated film that I star in.

It's about pirates.

-Captain Jack Sparrow.

-No!

I've also got a sponge cake named after me.

We'll go for Victoria, then.

We're going to go for Queen Victoria.

I'm only Queen Victoria!

Yes! The UK's hanky-headed Queen from 1837 to 1901.

OK, Holly's team.

-Are you guys ready for this?

-We're ready.

-Interesting.

-Yeah, nice.

Prop on.

This is obviously a completely different character,

so I just have to adjust accordingly.

SCREECHY VOICE: I...

Oh, yeah. I see what you've done with the voice.

I am a British man...

You sound like a woman.

..who has been in loads of films. I've been in so many films.

Is this Sean Connery?

You are like Sean Connery. You do the same accent for everything.

SEAN CONNERY ACCENT: Don't know what you're talking about.

You can't even do a Scottish accent now, Ian.

Clue number two...

I was made a knight and have been given many... This is an award.

-He's been given dolls.

-An award! This is an award!

I was given awards because I was so funny when I kept my mouth shut.

In fact, I shouldn't be talking right now.

Are you Pudsey the Dog?

-Pudsey the Dog?!

-Well...he doesn't talk.

I'm a man with no hat on now!

OK. Last clue. I have a silly walk.

Is it Bradley Wiggins? He has a funny walk.

He's brilliant on a bike but he's terrible when he gets off.

I'm an actor!

My name is shared with a boy who owns a chocolate factory.

Oh!

Who am I?

Charlie Chaplin.

I am Charlie Chaplin!

Yes, the walking stick-wielding legend of the silent movie era.

Well, you both got your answers right,

so you can both hand in your homework!

OK, so the show is ticking along nicely.

Let's check in with Smash with the scores.

So, Smashy, what's Holly's team scored so far?

Grr!

OK, and what about Grant's team?

Grr!

Oh, interesting.

It's even-stevens at the minute,

but if you're wanting to dodge the tension,

you guys better get your act together,

cos I'm warning you now, he's feeling particularly friendly today.

Argh! Grr!

Such a people's person.

Let's get on with the next round.

Now it's time for Pop or Poetry - the round full of rhyme and reason.

I'll crank out a few lines from either a pop song or a poem,

and what I want you guys to do is tell me who you think done it.

Holly's team, you guys are up first. Here we go.

She would have her picture taken. She came dressed beyond description.

Is it half woman, half teapot Taylor Swift?

Half asleep and still smarter than you Lewis Carroll?

Or is it badly spelt rapper Labrinth?

I think that's a picture of Lewis Carroll just after

you told him your best story, and Lewis Carroll did this.

I feels like a poem.

-You think it's a poem?

-It's lyrical, innit?

-Charlie, you're into poetry, aren't you?

-Bit of a poet, mate, yeah.

-I've done a love poem.

-Have you actually?

-A little love poem.

-Who's it for?

-It's about me and Susan Boyle, my girlfriend.

It goes like this...

Susan Boyle, Susan Boyle, I think you are beaut-a-foyle.

Susan Boyle, Susan B, I hope that you will marry me.

I know it's crazy, I dreamed a dream, I'm silly, I'm a dreamer

We'll buy a house, a flashy car, and have Iain Stirling as our cleaner.

There we are. Was lovely, wasn't it?

Not bad!

Do you listen to Taylor Swift?

-Now and again.

-She's a bit moany.

I don't think it's Taylor Swift cos she would whinge

about her ex-boyfriends and that's not about an ex-boyfriend.

What would it sound like if Taylor Swift

was to do those lyrics in a song?

Do it in a moany...

# She would have her picture taken

# She came dressed beyond description. #

Yeah, Holly! That was great!

Not bad at all.

Right, we've sung it. We've got Labrinth.

He's one of them rappers you get nowadays.

I'm a big fan of the rap, as is Charlie Baker.

-Yeah, loving rapping.

-I guess you'd love to do a little rap version...

Yeah. I'd do a little a rap for you.

# Yeah! Yeah, boy!

# She would have her picture taken!

# She came dressed beyond description!

# Vum-vum-vum-vum! #

Right, come on, guys. What you going for. Pop or poetry? What we doing?

-Um...

-I think Labrinth, but that's just...me. What do you think, Holly?

-Holly, you have the casting vote.

-Uh...

-You're the captain of our ship.

We'll go with Katie's. Labrinth.

I feel pressure now.

Labrinth. OK. I can tell you that it is actually...

..Poetry!

-Uh!

-It comes from Hiawatha's Photographing

by Lewis Carroll. Hard luck.

Unfortunately, you didn't get that right, so we go over to Grant's team.

Grant, let's see if you can get this.

When you walk by, I try to say it, but then I freeze and never do it.

So whose is that?

Is it "she who smelt it, dealt it" Beyonce?

Is it prolific poet and snappy dresser Emily Dickinson?

Or is it pop piggy backers One Direction?

We got any One Directioners on the panel?

-I know you're a big fan, aren't you, Paul?

-Yeah, I auditioned.

It didn't go well, unfortunately.

What happened on your One Direction audition?

-Well, they made me sing, dance...

-And then leave.

-Yeah, exactly!

They made me dance out the back door.

Let's re-enact your audition, mate.

What would this sound like if One Direction were to sing it?

OK.

-You going to stand up for it?

-I think I'm going to have to.

Let's get a beat. Ready?

# When you walk by

# I try to say it

# Say it

# But then I freeze

# And I never do it

# Do it. #

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am not in One Direction.

Grant, are you a big Emily Dickinson fan?

Yeah, totally(!) All her work's just...

-That's my library... Just her.

-Yeah, thought so, mate.

What about Beyonce?

Well, I don't know if you knew this, Iain, but prior to coming here,

-us three were actually a sort of R'n'B/rap outfit.

-Oh, really?

Oyiza, do you want to give it a little go

in a Beyonce fashion?

-Yeah, of course. Right, can we all do it?

-I think so.

Yeah. Do you want a beat?

HE BEATBOXES

# When you walk by, I try to say it

# But then I freeze and never do it. #

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

I have to push you. Pop or poetry? What are you going for?

I'm going to go for

pop and One Direction.

I can tell you that the answer is... It's pop.

It's I Wish

by One Direction.

And it should have sounded a little something like this.

# When you walk by

# I try to say it

# But then I freeze

# And never do it. #

I think you done it better and you've got better hair than Harry Styles.

Thank you, Iain.

You're welcome. I'm lying.

OK, so, Holly's team,

hard luck, but, Grant's team, you can

hand in your homework.

CHEERING

Right, it's time for What Happened Was,

the round where we ask our teams

to drum up a whopper of an excuse

for not handing in their homework.

But what are they going to be about?

Let's find out by grabbing some words from you lot

out in the audience. Here we go.

CHEERING

Let's find out. I like your jumper, mate. What's on your jumper?

-An eagle.

-An eagle. Fair enough. What's your word?

-Warlock.

-Warlock?

Surprise mum attack!

-Volcano.

-Volcano! Hmm!

-Hello.

-We're like brothers, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-And what's your name?

-Arun.

-Arun? Like aroon the hoose?

-Arun.

-That's a great name.

-Thanks.

-And what's your word, Arun?

Escalator.

Escalator. Hmm. There we go.

-Look at you. What's your word?

-Haggis.

Haggis. There we go. The national dish. Well, yes.

OK, Grant's team, you've got to come up with an excuse using

the words volcano, escalator, haggis...

-What was the last one?

-Warlock.

-AUDIENCE:

-Warlock.

Warlock. Of course it is.

Let's get some more words.

Crawl over. Surprise mum attack!

-Dragon.

-Dragon? It's very Medieval-based today.

You can both do one at the same time. Three, two, one, word.

-BOTH:

-Fish fingers.

Fish fingers. Nice one.

And just going to go... Surprise dad attack!

-Timbuktu.

-Timbuktu? Weird.

OK.

-Crumbled.

-Crumbled.

So, Holly's team, your words are

Dragon, fish fingers,

crumbled and Timbuktu.

-Have you got them?

-Yeah.

All right, we've got our words so let's do some blagging. Come on.

APPLAUSE

All right, guys. So, Grant, give me the homework, mate.

-Hand me over the homework, buddy.

-I haven't got my homework, because...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean you've not got your homework?

I'm so sorry, sir, because, well, the other day,

I was eating haggis with my best friend.

Of course, you're Scottish, mate.

My best friend's a warlock.

Yeah, most people's best friends are warlocks, right.

So we ran out.

-You ran out of haggis.

-Yeah.

We had to go up to the shop.

We went up the wrong escalator,

which leads to a volcano,

as most escalators do.

-Your local shop's got a volcano in it?

-Yeah.

Then, so, when I was standing...

-I was standing looking over all the lava...

-That's what you do.

You see a dangerous volcano, you have a little peek in.

You don't walk the other way. You go...

I was looking over and I dropped my homework

-so that's why I couldn't bring it in.

-Entirely reasonable.

Thank you very much, mate. But don't worry about it. You're fine.

So you've not got homework but luckily Holly's here.

-Chuck me your homework.

-I haven't got my homework.

What do you mean you've not got your homework?

What happened was that I was doing the school play of Oliver

and I was singing one of the songs, you know, the one...

# Go to Timbuktu!

# And back again. #

Oh, I'd Do Anything?

But what happened, as we carried on with the play,

-the whole set crumbled down...

-It crumbled.

And it was really upsetting

because we'd been working on the set for six months.

You can tell how upset she is. Look.

And then I went home, having my favourite food, fish fingers

-and chips.

-Right.

-And then a dragon burst through the window.

-That is...

Again, fine.

And he ate my fish fingers and chips which was meant to make me

-feel better to do my homework.

-Oh, right.

But then what happened was I went up to do my homework

and then I fell down the stairs.

You went for an elaborate dragon thing and then at the end

you just fell down the stairs.

Well, that's some major fibbage all round but it's not up to me,

it's up to the studio audience.

If you preferred Grant's excuse, please give me a clap now.

APPLAUSE

And if you preferred Holly's excuse, give me a cheer now.

CHEERING

Yeah.

Well done, Holly. That's clearly a win for you.

You guys get to hand in your homework.

CHEERING

Right, here we go with our mad dash to the finish. It's Mental Maths.

In this round, it's maths questions for you, Oyiza and Charlie.

Each correct answer is one piece of homework in the bank

but the other team will be trying to put you off.

-So, Charlie.

-Yeah.

-Please take your place on the Sum Seat.

Come on, Charlie.

OK, Charlie, you've got until the bell rings to answer as many

-mathematical questions correct as possible.

-Good. Good.

-Grant's team, are you guys ready to distract him?

-We are.

You can use any means necessary.

By "any means" I mean the stuff that's on that.

Let's do this for real. Go!

THEY SHOUT

30! 30!

-120.

-Yes!

-Have a nice little bath. I've got you a hat.

-3.

-Yes.

-10.

-No, 20.

12 plus what?

He's drowning. Someone save him.

-5.

-Yes!

-40.

-No.

-5!

-Yes!

It's a dragon! It's a dragon!

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

BELL RINGS

Time's up.

CHEERING

Well, Charlie, that hat actually goes with your shirt.

-That's why I bought it.

-Thank you very much.

All right, mate, well, you can take a seat back with Holly.

And, Oyiza, let's get you in the Sum Seat.

-Oyiza, how's your maths?

-Pretty good, I think.

-Oyiza, ready?

-Yeah.

-Three, two, one, go.

THEY SHOUT

-12.

-Yeah.

-25.

-Yes.

What?

22 add 11...erm...

-55.

-Yes!

-11.

-Yes.

-25.

-Yes.

-Er...er...er...30.

-Yes.

-1,000.

-Yes.

Er...er...er...what?

BELL RINGS

CHEERING

Those points could have made all the difference but, ironically,

I've lost count.

So I'm going to go back to the desk and we can see who scored top marks.

So, it's time to reveal who's going home in glory

and who's heading into detention with Mr Smash.

HE GROWLS AND LAUGHS

That's not a javelin, that's one of his mum's toothpicks.

Anyway, here we go. Let's see which team are swotty and which team are...

-AUDIENCE:

-Naughty!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh.

I can reveal today's winner is Grant's team.

CHEERING

Yeah.

Nicely done.

And, Holly's team, the sad face is appropriate because Mr Smash

is ready and waiting so, please, guys, take your walk of shame.

APPLAUSE

Looks like you're settling in for the night.

He's got an air-bed for each to blow up so come on, put your back into it.

Well, there it is, Grant's team came out on top this time

but there's no losers on this show. Apart from the losers.

Anyway, please give it up

for Charlie, Holly and Katie in detention.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And give it up for class clowns Paul, Grant and Oyiza.

CHEERING

Thank you all for watching.

And, remember, we didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

See you!