Episode 5 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework -

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling and I'm here to make sure that fun

is top of the timetable.

So hang onto your blazers, here come the school announcements.

We've had some great results in numeracy,

where a pupil got a B and three As.

Sorry, I mean a Baaa!

Congratulations to the school's environmental project

and their prototype unleaded vehicle.

And a reminder that, before hanging up your school bag,

it is advisable to take it off first.

Right, let's see who's who and what's what,

as I call today's register.

-On my left, we have Sonia.

-Here!

-And on Sonia's team, it's Susan Calman.

-Here, Mr Stirling.

Also, from CBBC's Blue Peter, it's only bloomin' Radzi!

Mr S, in the house.

Squelch those into one name ball, and what you get is...

Sonsadzi!

-Disturbing.

-Scary.

-That's quite odd.

That's what Radzi looked like after he heard he got the Blue Peter job.

I had a perm like that in the '80s.

Radzi's got a perm like that now.

-So, on my right-hand side, we have Harley.

-Here, Mrs Stirling!

-Mister.

-Sorry.

And on Harley's team,

we have our very own daredevil. It's Dan Antopolski.

Present!

And also on her team, we have the very funny Chris Martin.

Oh, thanks, Mr Stirling.

You're welcome, mate.

Put them all together and what you get is...Hardacanchris.

Oh, wow.

Oh!

Look at that!

I paid money to see something like that an the circus the other day.

It looks like Wagbo!

It does look like Wagbo.

OK, well there's our teams, so everybody please make some noise!

CHEERING

Right, now, let's get it straight.

How do we do things round here?

Basically, every time you win a round,

you get to hand in some of this homework.

That means, if you want to be top of your form,

you have to hand in as much homework as you possibly can

by the end of the show.

But the l-l-losers that hand in the least

get detention with our very own PE teacher -

a man that can sneeze a gran clear off her feet.

It's Mr Smash!

Argh!

You all right, Mr Smash?

What are you trying to do? Oh, deflate a basketball?

Not going very well, is it?

You're not going to get any air out of that, I'm afraid.

No chance.

LOUD SQUEAKING NOISE

Oh, there it goes!

Mr Smash, the basketball hasn't gone down at all.

Ooh!

And remember, as far as the points go,

it's Iain's School, so it's...

AUDIENCE: Iain's Rules!

All right, let's crack open a window and get on with the show!

OK, now it's time for Shed Loads. It's a sort of verbal tennis round.

I fire questions at you guys

and you bat back "shed loads" of funny answers.

When I think we've squeezed the last laugh out of each question,

I'll throw another question into the mix.

Okey-dokey, let's crack on with the game.

Sonia's team, we'll start with you.

Your first subject is maths.

Name...

-Inches.

-Yep.

-Hands.

-Yes.

-Feet.

-Yes.

Round-the-worlds.

-Yes.

-A dash.

-Yes.

-A pinch...

-Yep.

-..of salt.

Football pitches.

What do you measure in football pitches?

When they go, "It's so big, it's like seven football pitches."

Blue Peter always do that!

They can never compare things the normal...

"This whale is the size of 19 cups of tea!"

-Next.

-Fish. This big.

-2 points for that.

A cup. American recipes often have a cup of flour.

-A teaspoon.

-A teaspoon.

-Any more?

-Tablespoon.

A spoon!

# A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!

# The medicine go down! #

Oh. Someone's been to acting school.

Let's move on. School stuff now.

Name a load of...

-Drama club.

-OK.

-Breakfast club.

-Yep.

-I was a member of the disco club.

-Yes.

-The chicken club.

-What?

You have chickens.

And you get their eggs and you get to take them home.

That's not a chicken club. You're thinking of a farm.

No!

-It's called the chicken club.

-OK...

-S.

-S?

-S Club.

-There ain't no party...

-S Club 7!

-..like an S Club party!

Yes...

The egg club. We were like a spin-off to the chicken club.

We were slightly less popular.

-What about you, Dan?

-I was in the fox club.

We were next door to both of them.

Final one, just for fun.

A shed load of...

-Harley's team.

-Gerty!

Brilliant.

-Hacker.

-Hacker, yes!

-Dodge.

-Yes, just name people more popular than me on the channel.

-Thank you very much.

-Wellard.

-Wellard, yes!

-Pudsey!

-Yes!

-Fluffy!

-Yep.

-Hot.

-Hot?

-Hot dog.

-That's amazing.

-Next.

-Ricksy-ticksy.

I like that one.

-Clive.

-Yes!

Human names for dogs is always good, isn't it?

-Yeah...

-You'd look really weird in a park just going, "Clive! Clive!"

And you think an old man's going to turn up

and a tiny little dog turns up.

Sometimes an old man will just go, "What?"

Yeah, you get a free old man with your dog.

-Chris.

-Yes!

-Oh!

-Charlie!

-Charlie?

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, time up!

Well done, everyone.

I think, because of chicken club, egg club and fox club,

I'm giving to have to give it to Harley's team.

Harley, please hand in your homework!

Next up is the round...

KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Who is it?

-It's Eddie from Class 4B.

In you come, Eddie from Class 4B.

-All right, Iain?

-All right, Eddie? That's a nice little get up, mate.

-Is this for a science project?

-No.

-Environmental studies?

-No.

-What is it, then?

-It's my rugby kit. I'm a fly-half.

-It's the back half, obviously.

-Obviously. What have you got for me?

I've got this for you, Iain.

Thanks, mate. Give it up for Eddie, everybody!

CHEERING

Oh...

it's lost property. Has someone lost a lunchbox?

-Iain, sorry, I think that's probably mine.

-Yes?

-What's in it and we'll see...?

-Um, is there any chocolate in it?

-Cos I had some chocolate in it.

-Chocolate?

I can't see any chocolate.

I can't see...any!

I had some cheesy crisps in there? Is there any cheesy crisps?

Um...there's no cheesy crisps...

No...crisps!

Oh, and I had a muffin as well. Is there a muffin in it?

There's no muffin, Susan!

Can't see a muffin!

Sorry, it looked like mine, but it can't be. Sorry about that.

Don't worry about it, Susan. Let's get on with the next round.

It is time for everyone's favourite part of the show,

it's Who Do You Think I Am?

-Oh, no, Iain!

-Iain!

This is the round in which I blow your minds

with my unbelievable portrayal of any character from history

that you could possibly imagine.

-Susan, name a character...

-Charlemagne.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Oh, I'm Charlemagne!

Queen Elizabeth I.

-SILLY VOICE:

-Oh, I'm royal!

It's just some the acting you're going to see today.

Here's my prop box. Now, watch in disbelief as I take on the mantle.

Here we go!

OK, Harley's team. You're up first.

Iain, are you just going to do the Italian accent

you always do again or...?

I have got a wide range of accents, and I've got these wonderful props.

Is your famous person a hair stylist?

No!

Are you Harry Many-Hair-Styles.

Oh, hello! I'm not anyone from One Direction. Here we go.

-Why are you skiing now?

-It's part of the costume, mate!

Maybe if you let me do some acting, it'd make some sense, yeah?!

-But there's no snow!

-I've got sticks!

Stop laughing!

Iain, have you started?

I've not started, cos no-one will shut up for five seconds!

Iain, are you an aggressive Nicki Minaj?

Nicki Minaj?! I'm skiing!

-You're Adele!

-No!

First clue.

-HEAVY GERMAN-STYLE ACCENT:

-I am an Austrian princess,

but you probably know me as a French queen!

I'm an Austrian lady.

What?! Why...?!

You're acting out skiing, but you sound like you're on the toilet.

What can I say, I've got a pretty messed up diet!

-Can you understand him?

-You're on your last warning.

Actually, so are you lot. This is my show!

I've said to you, it's serious!

-AUDIENCE: Aww!

-Don't patronise me!

-It's not pantomime.

-Oh, yes, it is!

-I'm better than pantomime.

Oh, no, you're not!

Oh, don't start on me, Dan.

Right, clue number two.

-LANCASHIRE ACCENT:

-Although I wasn't a baldy,

I loved to wear giant wigs. I am literally Northern now.

I'm well known for my extravagant style

-at me gaff in Versailles!

-What's a gaff?

With those wigs on the floor,

you look like you're trying to spear some rodents.

Oh, it's a mouse!

-Was it Versailles or Ver-SAY?

-It's Versailles.

Either way, not that voice.

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Versailles.

OK, final clue!

Some people think I advise my subjects to eat cake,

a bit like Mary Berry done,

and eventually the people became revolting on me

and chopped off my head with a guillotine.

Have some cake!

Who am I?

Is it Marie Antoinette?

Correct! I'm Marie Antoinette!

The extravagant fashion-lover

and queen consort of King Louis XVI of France.

-You guys are up next.

-Are you a ghost?

No, I'm not a ghost.

Are you a ghost hunter?

A ghost hunter? Oh, yes, they hide under a sheet and go,

"Oh, where are you?!"

"I'm one of you."

-Are you Simon Cowell?

-What are you talking about?!

I've got an ice cream!

Are you saying Simon Cowell doesn't enjoy an ice cream?

Yes, I am saying that. Here I go. Clue number one.

-HEAVY ITALIAN ACCENT:

-I...am an Italian man.

-Yay!

-Are you the guy who made Gelato?

-I don't even know what that is!

-I think it's this Italian ice cream thing.

-Ice cream.

-Clue number two.

-LANCASHIRE ACCENT:

-I was a general in the army.

-You're Northern again.

-Sorry!

-Russell Crowe.

If you're a general, why can you only afford a sheet as your outfit?

It's in the wash.

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-I was a general in the army

and I conquered a chunk of the Europa called Gaul.

-A place...

-Is that Gaul? I've conquered it.

-You've conquered it?

-Who am I?

-Are you Jason Derulo?

-SILLY VOICE:

-Jason Derulo.

# Jason De-loo-roll! #

Jason the loo roll?

I can't say it.

I can't say his last name,

so I always say Jason De-loo-roll because it's easier.

If you say that three times in the mirror, he appears behind you.

I was a dictator. I wore leaves on my head.

I've got a month named after me and I'm also a type of salad.

Not green leaf. He-he-he!

-Oh, I get it now.

-Who am I?

I've conquered Gaul, I've got my own salad and I like ice cream!

-I think we know who it is, Iain.

-Who am I?

It was because of your accent.

-Are you Torvill and Dean?

-Torvill and Dean? I'm one person!

Are you Torvill?

Sonia? Go for it.

Is it Julius Caesar?

I am Julius Caesar!

Yes, the very well travelled Roman dictator who met a very grizzly end.

I can reveal that, because of my phenomenal acting,

both of you got the correct answer, so, Harley and Sonia's team,

you can both hand in your homework!

OK, it's that point in the show where we check in with

Smash about the score.

So, Smashy, how many bits of homework

have Harley's team handed in?

Grr!

OK, and what about Sonia's team?

Grr!

Well, there it is, Sonia.

Time to get these two back on track, because otherwise,

it's detention with Mr Smash, and he looks like he's up for a fight.

Oh, I don't think the other guy is very impressed, though, Smashy.

Let's do this!

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run DMC

A gym teacher and a dancing dog are having a dance off!

Oh, running man.

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

Whoo!

Don't even know what that is.

Oh!

Aw, they're friendly, really.

They just both want their tummies tickled.

Anyway, let's get on with the next round.

The next round is called "Pop Or Poetry?",

where words have the power to move you.

I'm going to give you a few lines from either a pop song or a poem.

What I want you guys to do is tell me who is famous for those lines.

So, Sonia's team, here we go.

"You've got the words to change a nation,

"but you're biting your tongue.

"You spent a lifetime stuck in silence."

But who said that? Is it electric-shock-haired singer

Emeli Sande, mustachioed Jungle Book author Rudyard Kipling,

or was it cross-eyed crooner Jessie J?

-I recognise it.

-You're lucky, Iain.

-Really?

-Cos in my spare time, I'm a Jessie J lookalike.

-Are you?

I can rap like her, I can sing and rap like her.

Oh, OK, let's see it, then.

-Reckon you could do this like Jessie J?

-Yeah, I can do it like Jessie J.

All right, OK. Let's have a little listen.

-SHE RAPS:

-# You've got the words to change a nation

# But you're biting your tongue You spend a lifetime in silence

-HIGH-PITCHED AND OUT OF TUNE:

-# Oh-oh-oooooh

# Ooh. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-There's about 30 angry dogs outside, confused.

-I get a little work.

I think it might be one of the singers.

Why? Why not Rudyard? What have you got against Rudyard Kipling?

-It sounds more like a song.

-What have you got against Rudyard?!

Nothing. It just sounds more like a song.

I know someone that might convince you of Rudyard Kipling, Sonia.

We've got a little poet in the house.

Radzi, have you done a little poem?

I have. It's actually something I scribbled together...

There's one he made earlier.

There he goes, on brand.

First thing about this show

This you might not know

It's filmed up here in Scotland

The city of Glasgow

Specifically, Pacific Quay

To be precise

There's a huge crew behind the camera

And they're all real nice

Someone who isn't, by the way

And I'm a little wary

Is the geezer over there, Mr Smash

And I think he's a little scary...

MR SMASH GROWLS

This is my responsibility that I will not shirk

Greatest panel show on the Earth

Dog Ate My Homework.

CHEERING

If I'm being honest, a bit long.

LAUGHTER

That was wicked, man, well done.

So has that convinced you that it could be poetry

or do you still think it's going to be pop?

It could be, but I think it's more of a singer.

Who would you go for, Jessie J or Emeli Sande?

Emeli Sande. I'm sure it's her.

Well, I can tell you that it is in fact pop and it is by Emeli Sande.

Well done, Sonia.

It is from Read All About It Part Three.

It should sound a little something like this.

# You've got the words to change a nation

# But you're biting your tongue

# You've spent a lifetime stuck in silence

# Afraid you'll say something wrong... #

Next one is for Harley's team...

School disco!

School disco.

MUSIC: "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 Ft Christina Aguilera

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

So, you guys, if you could just get your Pop Or Poetry out,

I'm now going to read it out in my best voice. Here we go.

"When we two parted In silence and tears

"Half broken-hearted to sever for years."

But who said that?

Is it dad-dancing rapper Pitbull, fancy-pants poet Lord Byron,

or those little minxes Little Mix?

-Harley, you're a trendy young lady.

-Yeah.

So I'm guessing you're OK with Lord Byron.

Yeah.

What's your favourite thing that Lord Byron's done?

I used to live in the same house as he did and I found his diary.

He just had the most...loveliest song in.

Harley should be a politician.

She says things with such authority that you go, "Oh, right then.

"That sounds about right. That's great."

You know, I can make anything interesting.

Make this pen interesting now.

-This pen. DAN:

-Lord Byro.

LAUGHTER

Little Mix. Can you imagine Little Mix saying,

"In silence and tears,

"half broken-hearted to sever for years"?

-No.

-Why not?

Because the way that I think they would sing it is not

really for them.

SONIA: Can we hear you sing it?

I can't sing, but I can do a little bit of rapping.

Oh, mate. Can you do a rap?

Let's have a rap.

I wrote a little rap about you, Iain.

Oh, go on, then, mate. Yeah.

-HE RAPS:

-# My name's Iain

# My hair's long and it's not curly

# Cos it's so rubbish it scares all the girlies

# This morning at breakfast I put too many beans in my belly

# Which now means my pants are terrible and smelly. #

LAUGHTER

You can get a bonus point for factually correct.

OK, so I'm going to have to push you for an answer.

-Is it pop or is it poetry?

-I think it's going to be...

-Is it your pen pal?

-..Lord Byron my pen pal.

It is poetry. It is by Lord Byron. Congratulations.

It is from the poem When We Two Parted. So there you go, well done.

Both teams got that correct, which means Harley and Sonia,

you can both hand in your homework.

So, this is the round where everything goes a bit pear-shaped.

Yes, it's our intentionally difficult Art Round.

Stepping to the art board are Harley and Sonia, so come with me

and let's see what you're painting with today. Come on.

So, as you can see, Harley

and Sonia are both wearing a couple of very special painting jackets.

Stick your hands up. Go on.

SONIA: Can I take this home with me?

Yeah, look at that. It's good if you need to get something out the attic.

OK, guys, here's what you're painting for your teams.

Look at that.

OK, OK.

You guys have got to guess what Harley

and Sonia are painting with their big long arms.

The team that guesses the correct answer first gets to

hand in their homework.

Three, two, one, let's get painting!

Red, red, red.

Red Sea.

Curly hair.

Don't get distracted by the red.

Oh, that's good so far.

-A man in a tuxedo.

-It's not a man, it's not a man.

-Underwater archer firing arrows...

-What are you drawing?

Darts in the sea.

It's not the sea.

Is it a water raft?

Is it a bird?

It's a giant. Why is there a giant?

More paint, Sonia, more paint. Get some more paint on there.

Get some more paint on there.

It's a massive giant on a slide in the forest.

It's sort of like a forest, but it's more fun.

More fun than a forest.

Like a garden. A garden of dreams.

In a park.

In a park, in a park.

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-We have got a right answer.

Well done, Dan. Let's have a look at the pictures.

-I'm going to go to Sonia first.

-It's really bad.

-I want you to talk me through your park, Sonia.

-Right, OK.

-Who's this?

That's supposed to be a kid.

-Right.

-It's a stick kid.

-It didn't really turn out well.

-I thought it was a dog.

-I thought it was a dog.

-This is the sun?

-That's the sun.

Right, then I want to know...

-That's meant to be a seesaw, but it didn't really work.

-Ah!

It looks like a pitchfork.

Let's go over to Harley, the winning team.

Harley, talk us through your park.

What's this?

That is a stick man on a slide. They are two trees.

Why is the man double the size of the trees?

Because he's closer to us.

Oh.

Harley, that is an absolutely brilliant job. Well done.

-But your hands are a bit busy, aren't they?

-Yeah.

So, Chris, I'm going to give you the ultimate honour.

You can hand in your homework. Let's do it, come on.

OK, sadly, guys, we are nearing the end of the show.

ALL: Aww!

I know, which means it's time to play All Kinds Of Wrong.

We're going to fire out all sorts of questions.

When the spotlight stops on you,

I want you to answer my question with the wrong answer.

Every wrong answer is another piece of homework in the bank.

OK, Harley's team, your team is up first.

Please make your way to the Wrong Ray.

Your time starts in - three, two, one...go!

Complete the famous question - which came first, the chicken or the...?

Poo. DING!

What do you traditionally eat on Pancake Day?

Maggots.

DING!

If you want to cast a spell, you might say abra...

Cabluey.

-Correct.

-DING!

Say any word other than egg.

Egg.

-Correct.

-DING!

What building does a librarian work in?

Discotheque.

DING!

Fred Flintstone says yabadaba...

-Mouse.

-DING!

At a panto, you might shout, "He's..."

Really ugly.

DING!

JR Tolkien wrote Lord Of The...

Bring.

-Bring.

-Correct.

-DING!

In tennis, what does love mean?

It means everything.

DING!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Harley's team, go back to your places.

Sonia is 12 and is taller than me.

Susan, you're just further away from the camera.

OK, so your time starts now.

What noise does a pirate make?

Sodium bicarbonate.

-Correct.

-DING!

Name the actress who plays Tracy Beaker.

Potato Face.

DING!

The massive green statue in New York is called the Statue of...

Moo.

-Correct.

-DING!

What do you call an electronic device for doing sums?

Flamange.

-DING!

-Yes.

The CBBC show it's Wizards Vs...

Plungers.

-Correct.

-DING!

Little Miss Muffet sat on a...?

Iain Stirling.

-Correct.

-DING!

There's no need to cry over spilled...

Spiders.

-Correct.

-DING!

In olden days, knights wore suits of...

Eh, carrots.

-Correct.

-DING!

Who wrote the book How To Train Your Dragon?

Pear Man.

-Pear Man did write it, correct.

-DING!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Right, guys, we don't know where that leaves the scores,

so please go back to your desks and we'll find out who scored top marks.

So it's time to find out which team have come out on top

and which team will be scraping the bottom of the barrel of Mr Smash.

MR SMASH GROWLS

Mr Smash thinks he deserves a spa day,

so whoever gets detention is going to be giving him the works.

Just look at the state of those fingernails.

Gross.

So it's time to find out which team are swotty and which team are...

AUDIENCE: Naughty!

OK.

AUDIENCE OOHS

-The winners are...Harley's team!

-Yes!

CHEERING

Well done, Harley's team.

Sonia's team, hang your heads in shame and take the Walk Of Shame.

On you go. Go on.

# La, la, la, la, losers

# La, la, la, la, losers

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# Losers. #

Mr Smash has got hair in places I didn't even know existed.

It's disgusting. Well, there you go, guys. End of the show.

Please give it up for everyone in detention.

You saw Sonia, Susan and Radzi.

Give it up for our champs, Harley, Dan and Chris.

CHEERING

Thank you all for watching.

Remember, we didn't learn much, but hey, it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!