Episode 6 The Dog Ate My Homework

INDISTINCT CHATTER

CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show. I'm Iain Stirling

and I'm here to show you that boring lessons are totally old school.

But first up it's the school announcements.

The caretaker informs me

there's reason to believe that the school cow could be a fake.

LAUGHTER

Will all pupils please remember to remove uneaten food

from their lunch boxes, otherwise they may attract Borrowers.

LAUGHTER

And if anybody has any information about the giant bogey

I found under my desk, please could they make themselves known.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, let's see who's trying to get a big fat tick today.

It's time to take the register.

-On my left there's Neve.

-Here!

And on her team we've got rubber- faced comedian Paul McCaffrey.

Here, sir.

-As well as Wolfblood Shannon AKA Louisa Connolly-Burnham.

-Here.

Squeeze them all together and we get Loupenaul.

That's lovely, isn't it, mate?

There's my eye!

-To my right-hand side there is Gilbert.

-Hello.

And in Gilbert's team we have a very funny northern lady, Katie Mulgrew.

Here, sir.

And we've got Wolfblood's very own heart-throb

-Rhydian, AKA Bobby Lockwood.

-Here.

And together they make up Bobcatbert.

-What is that?

-For all the girls in the audience,

that's what Bobby looks like when he isn't wearing make-up.

It looks like whoever it is has been given a lift to the show

really quickly and had its head out the window all the way here.

Paul, I think you should wear lipstick more in day-to-day life.

-You look great. That is a really...

-Thank you very much, Katie.

If only we had some lipstick.

-Oh, come on!

-If we win, does he have to wear the lipstick?

What do you think, if they win should Paul wear lipstick?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-I object!

-Thank you very much!

-I might as well go home now.

-You're more than welcome, mate.

OK, please make some noise for today's teams!

CHEERING

This is how things work round here -

every time you win a round, you get to hand in some of this homework.

If you want your team to come out on top, you'll need to

hand in the most homework by the end of the show

because if you don't, your team will wind up in detention under

the supervision of a man who once beat the Welsh rugby team...

by himself.

Our PE teacher, Mr Smash. Hiya, Mr Smash. What you doing, mate?

HE LAUGHS CRAZILY

You're painting a lovely picture, what is it?

HE GRUMBLES

Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah - it's a potato.

HE GRUMBLES

Oh, sorry! Sorry, mate. It's a lovely egg.

HE GRUMBLES

What? I can't... What is it?

HE GRUMBLES AND YELLS

Oh! It's a self-portrait!

What are you going to do now there's a hole in it?

HE YELLS

I think he'd better start again.

Remember, as far as the points go, it's Iain's school so it's...

Let's get down to business.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, this round is seriously hip - as well as arms, legs and torso.

Yes, it's Body Language.

I'm going to ask you questions which all have three-letter answers

and, teams, you have to spell the answer using your bodies.

Gilbert's team, you're up first so please make your way down the front.

Your time starts in three, two, one!

Go! What does a janitor use to clean the floor?

-A mop.

-Mop, mop, mop, mop!

What are you doing, Gilbert?

-That's his ninja stance.

-He's become a wolf.

Right, when you burst a balloon it goes...?

Pop!

O again.

It comes out of your pen when you're writing.

Ink.

K. K? What? How do you do a K?

Arm and a leg!

Not like that!

I'll just give you the point.

This happens why you chop an onion.

-AUDIENCE:

-Cry!

Come on.

This way. No, this way.

That was a good R.

Next one. Like a mum only more hairy.

-AUDIENCE:

-Dad!

-Dad.

My mum is quite hairy.

How do you do D?

-Do a D!

-All right, all right.

Your D is back to front.

BELL RINGS

Lower case, lower case.

You guys go back to your desk. Neve's team, get out there.

OK, three, two, one.

The number of pupils needed to count to 20 on their fingers.

Two!

W.

Andy Murray loves to serve one of these.

-Ace.

-Yeah.

-It's...

OK. You sit on this in class.

-Seat!

-No. That's four letters.

-Chair! Oh!

Bum!

Ah!

It's blue, it's massive and it's over your head.

-AUDIENCE:

-Sky!

-Sky!

Estimated time of arrival.

-ETA.

-ETA.

You're T.

Yeah. I see with my...?

-Eye!

-Y!

BELL RINGS

Time up. Head back to your seat, please.

Well, there we have it. Neve's team, you were bending out answers out

like your lives depended on it.

You win, so you get to hand in your homework!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up is the round... KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello, who is it?

-It's Eve from Class 4B.

Come in, Eve from Class 4B.

-You all right, Eve? How you doing?

-Fine.

Have you been on a trip to the fire station?

-The fire station? I'm not five!

-Sorry.

No, I've been doing home economics.

I'm not that good a cook.

LAUGHTER

-I've got a note for you.

-Thanks, Eve.

-Bye!

Give it up for Eve, everybody.

CHEERING

We've got an announcement. This is for the Year 19s.

"Leave school. You are 24 years old."

LAUGHTER

Now it's time for everyone's favourite part of the show -

it's time for Who Do You Think I Am?

GROANING

-Why?

-As you can see, Paul is a big fan.

-Yes, teams, prepare yourselves for I am about to act out...

-You can't act!

I can act and I'm about to show you!

If you work out who I am portraying

then you guys get to hand in your homework.

OK, we've got the props box -

let's show these guys from Wolfblood how to act.

OK, going to get into my first character.

-I've got a costume.

-Are you a table in a restaurant?

-No!

LAUGHTER

I can't believe the silly shoes they've made him wear.

-Oh, no, they're your actual shoes, sorry.

-OK, now, seriously,

can we actually get some quiet cos this is actually quite serious.

Neve's team, you're up first. I'm going to do my first character.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "I...

"Oh, my dress fell off!"

THEY LAUGH

"Don't look at my legs, Paul!

"I'm an American movie star."

American?!

You do not sound American!

-"This is how they talk."

-Totally(!)

This is how American people speak

when they've been living in Scotland for 30 years.

"Shut up!"

"Time for clue number two.

"As you can see, I've got lovely blonde hair"

-Is that the style?

-"This was popular in the '50s.

"I get my blonde hair from a bottle because, as we all know,

"gentlemen prefer blondes."

Oh, totally.

"Oh, the wind is blowing my skirt up!"

Are you...?

"Oh, how embarrassing!

"Ooh!"

-Oh!

-"Whoopsie!"

-Make it stop.

-"Any guesses, anyone?"

You look like my gran!

"You look like your gran!"

Oh, thanks.

"Third clue. My bessie pal is a great big diamond."

Ooh!

"I've been in lots of movies and Elton John sung a song about me,

"which made everybody cry. Boo-hoo-hoo! Any guesses?"

Is it Marilyn Monroe?

"I am Marilyn Monroe!"

CHEERING

Yes, the factory worker who became the queen of the silver screen.

OK, Gilbert's team, you're up next. You need to tell me...

Who do you think I am? I'll just get into character.

Obviously my characters are all very diverse so I'll need to get my...

-What? What on Earth is that?!

-I'm getting my costume on.

-Are you like an all you can eat buffet?

-Not now.

Right.

You ready?

BAD POSH ACCENT: "I am a brainy English person."

You can't be that brainy if you're wearing fruit on your head.

"This is all the rage in my day.

"Your second clue - I love coming up with laws.

"I did laws for this and that. I had laws coming out of my eyes."

HE LAUGHS

Could we have a law against Iain ever acting ever again in anything?

"I am not Iain. I am a brainy English man."

You look like some kind of super-villain with... Is that a cat?

I think his acting's scaring that cat.

"What do you think of Iain's acting?"

'I think it's the best acting I've ever seen.'

Your cat sounded a lot like Marilyn Monroe.

LAUGHTER

"He's a big fan of her work.

"Time for your third clue.

"Lots of people think I invented the cat flap for little Timothy here

"but we just don't know.

"I did, however, come up with a law about gravity which explains

"why this might happen."

"So who am I?"

I think you're Isaac Newton.

Booyah!

The gravity guru and all round scientific smarty-pants.

I can tell you that you both got the right answer so,

Neve and Gilbert, follow me up here and hand in your homework!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so we've got a couple of rounds under our belt

so let's check with Mr Smash for the scores.

Smash, what have Gilbert's team got so far?

And what about Neve's team?

So, Gilbert's team, you're behind at the minute.

You'll need to pull yourself together to avoid detention with Mr Smash.

And believe me, he's not the sort of person you want to be

stuck in a lift with.

POP!

AUDIENCE: Ew!

Mm!

Told you. Let's get on with the next round.

CHEERING

Right, it's time for Weird Science, our missing words round.

I'll show you a scientific fact with some of the words blanked out.

I'm looking for funny suggestions

or anything close enough to the real answer.

The team that I think does the best can hand in their homework.

Here we go. Let's have a look at our first fact.

HOOTER

We spend around a third of our money on pants.

What pants are you wearing?

Big pants.

-How big are your pants, Paul?

-Big expensive pants.

Jewel-encrusted pants.

Paul, do your pants go up to there when you pull them up?

Yeah, they're big pants.

Big pants.

Spend around a third of our lives on the toilet.

I think you need to see a doctor, Gilbert.

LAUGHTER

Unless your living room is just several toilets...

-HOOTER

-Ooh.

-Neve.

I don't have an answer I just wanted you to stop talking.

I'm going to take this when I go out for dinner with Iain tonight.

-Any point he gets boring...

-HOOTER

LAUGHTER

Paul... HOOTER

Paul, when we go out tonight... HOOTER

LAUGHTER

-Brilliant.

-Anyone else?

HOOTER

-Yeah?

-This is quite serious. We spend around a third of our time sleeping.

It's very serious and it's also very correct.

APPLAUSE

Well done. Next one.

Butterflies can talk with their mouths.

-What have you chatted to a butterfly about?

-The other day I said to him,

I don't understand why a butterfly doesn't fly in a straight direction.

If he wants to go to the other side of the garden, just fly there.

Why do you have to go around the tree, over the fence,

come back round, get in my face...

-And what did the butterfly say back to you?

-He just ignored me.

HOOTER

Butterflies can do karate with their teeth.

Can they?

HE MAKES STRANGE NOISES

HOOTER

-Yes?

-Butterfries can play with their friends.

-Butter-fries can't.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to try some butter-fries.

Butterflies can eat with their feet.

That's close enough. I'm going to give you the point.

Butterflies can taste with their feet.

APPLAUSE

It's a nightmare when they walk into the toilet.

Let's have another fact.

SCHOOOOOOOL DISCO!

MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY

# Gangnam Style

# Gangnam Style

# Gangnam Style... # RECORD SCRATCHES

OK, our next fact is:

Hair grows faster on your giant hand.

HOOTER

-Louisa.

-Mushrooms grow faster on your left hand.

You need to shower, young lady.

Anyone else? It is something to do with...fingernails grow

faster on your what hand?

Fingernails grow faster on your tea-making hand.

-Not tea-making. Neve?

-On your writing hand.

-Correct.

CHEERING

Well, that's your lot and the way I see it,

I am going to give that round to Neve's team!

CHEERING

Neve, please hand in your homework.

It is time for What Happened Was, the round where both of our teams

have to rustle up a humdinger of an excuse

for not handing in their homework.

And to make sure our teams are thinking on their feet,

let's grab some words out there from you lot, the audience! Let's go!

CHEERING

OK, I need some words for these guys. What's your name, mate?

-Matthew.

-What's your word?

-Yolo.

-Yolo?

"My name's Matthew, I'm well street, you get me? Yeah!"

-What's your name?

-Nicole.

I like your glasses, Nicole.

Eh, hamster.

-LAUGHTER So your word's hamster?

-Yeah.

We've got hamster.

-What's your name, mate?

-Marnie.

-And what's your word, Marnie?

-Swag.

-Swag?!

Swag!

-Have you got swag?

-I do.

Where do you keep your swag?

-In my bedroom.

-Oh!

She's got a swaggy bedroom!

So, Gilbert's team, you're using the following words:

-You got that?

-Yeah.

-I'll get some words for Neve's team.

-What's your name, mate? SHOUTING:

-Kelsey!

Why are you shouting?

-WHISPERING:

-Cos I like shouting.

-Now why are you whispering now?

Can you control the volume of your voice?

-Yes.

-Good. What is your word?

-Mushrooms.

-That's a good word.

-What's your name?

-Laura.

-And what's your word?

-Turtles.

Turtles?! OK, I'll take that.

-What's your name, mate?

-Jamie.

What is your word, young gentleman?

-Pancakes.

-Pancakes?!

Pay close attention. Your words are...

-Got that?

-Green.

-Yeah.

Let's get ready to tell some porkies. Let's go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gilbert, how about the homework I set for you?

I guess you've got that to hand in now so...

I've not got it with me.

Where's the homework?

I'm in a forest, walking my pet hamster...

Walking your hamster?

-A bit of exercise.

-This is the 21st century.

-Clearly, I am an idiot.

-Carry on.

-..and I dropped one of my cookies.

Luckily, one of the cookies is radioactive

and the hamster eats the cookie

and he starts to grow into a giant rapper.

He starts singing.

All these elves fly out of trees saying, "Yolo, Yolo."

-Very street elves.

-They're flying around...

-Street elves?

-They're elves.

Get me, yeah? I've got bare gifts from Santa. You get me?

That's it, yeah.

Bobby's walking near us and he gets annoyed...

He's always in the forest.

Wolfbloods. What are they like?

He starts rapping. There's a big rap battle. It's epic.

Bobby, how did your rap go?

It was like...

Yeah, got your radioactive cookie

Don't look at me like that.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Yeah. See? Gilbert knows how to rap. He had my back.

What happened next?

This rap battle is epic.

-All the girls swagging up.

-Yo!

Then all the elves scream and fly into the trees.

Then I open my eyes and I'm in the forest.

I've got my hamster in my hand and Bobby walks off.

I love that story but at no point does homework get mentioned.

No. He was walking through the forest

to his house to DO homework...

-Oh, right.

-Obviously, the rap battles happened

and, you know...

It's fine because, luckily, Neve's also got homework to do.

Neve, you can just chuck me over your homework and that'll be...

-Well, I don't have my homework.

-You don't have your homework?

I was at home. I was making pancakes with mushrooms on them

to bring to you cos you're my favourite teacher, right?!

Yeah, but I hate mushrooms.

I was walking to school with the mushrooms, the pancake mushrooms...

-Of course. You wouldn't want to forget them.

-...and I tripped.

I don't have them with me today.

Then all these turtles turned up.

I get my camera. When I was getting the camera,

because I was amazed by these turtles,

-I'll show you the picture tomorrow.

-Show it to me now, if you want.

I don't have my phone. We're not allowed phones in school.

Oh...

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

So I'm here today and I don't have anything with me.

What happened to your homework?

-I left it at home but...

-That's amazing!

Pancakes, turtles... Left it at home.

Fair enough. It's up to the audience to see who wins.

Give me a cheer if you thought Gilbert's excuse was the best

with the rap and swagger...

CHEERING

Or if you thought the future is in pancake-eating turtles,

shout for Neve's team right now.

CHEERING

NEVE SHOUTS AND CHEERS

The public have spoken and I'm happy to say

that the most noise went to...

..Neve.

You get to hand in your homework.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Here we go with our quickfire sprint to the finish.

It's Mental Maths.

In this round, it's maths questions for Bobby and Louisa.

Each correct answer is one piece of homework in the bank.

The other team will be doing whatever they can

to distract you from answering the questions.

Bobby, please take your place on the Sum Seat.

Put your goggles on.

Bobby, how are your maths skills?

-Are you all right?

-OK.

They're all right.

They were better at school.

I haven't been to school in a while so...

I found out yesterday that he did his maths GCSE a year early

and got an A so don't fall for it, guys.

-Well...

-You don't sound like the sort of person that got A for maths.

Do you know what, you know... Ouch! I'm going to stay here.

LAUGHTER

AS BOBBY: I'm Bobby. I'm dead intelligent.

BOTH TALK AT ONCE

-Right. OK. Are you ready with your maths questions?

-I think so.

Bobby will answer as many maths questions as possible.

In the meantime, Neve's team will be trying to distract him

using any means necessary.

By any means, I mean that stuff that's on that.

-Bobby, are you ready?

-Yeah.

Audience, are you ready?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Three, two, one, here we go!

8

22.

Springy!

Something springy!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

66.

5.

2.

Whoo!

Er, 6.

-Through the gap!

-321.

-Hello, I'd like to speak to Bobby.

-14.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Er, 5.

One, two, three, four...

24.

BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE

Neve's team, please take a seat.

Bobby, how's the look suiting you?

I'm going to go home like this. I like it.

-Particularly the feather boa.

-Take a seat. Off you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Louisa, make your way to the Sum Seat.

# No pressure... #

-Louisa, how are you feeling?

-Not great about this. It's not my forte.

-What is your forte?

-Acting.

SHE LAUGHS

Gilbert's team, get ready to distract Louisa.

-Are you ready?

-Ready.

Your maths starts in, three, two, one, go!

30.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Pass!

4.

Erm, zero.

Er, 123.

Pass.

Pass.

Erm...

Er, 23. 23.

I don't know. 12?

BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time's up. How did you find that?

Pretty stressful but it was good fun.

-You've got your flower.

-I got a flower.

Well done and take your seat.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd love to be able to tell you who did the best

but I have no idea so I'm going to go back to the desk

and see who scored top marks.

It's time to find out which team are top of the class

and who's flunked their way into detention with Mr Smash.

HE SHOUTS

It looks like you'll be cleaning Mr Smash's football boots.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Bit of a mistake to play footy in a cow field.

Let's see which team are swotty and which team are...

-AUDIENCE:

-Naughty!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhh...

The winners are...Gilbert's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That means the losers are Neve's team.

-We all know whose fault that was, don't we, Paul?

-What?

On you go. Feel free.

HORN TOOTS

I think it's more of a humiliation for Neve to put it on.

-Your own team member!

-Let's get it on. Come on.

Here we go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mr Smash is waiting.

Neve's team, please take The Walk Of Shame.

Hurry up!

Please give it up for everyone you saw today.

Give it up for Paul, Neve and Louisa in detention.

Go for it, Neve! Come on!

Give it up for our super swots, Bobby, Gilbert and Katie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you all for watching.

Remember. We didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

Sees ya.