Episode 7 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling and I'm here to pick you first for PE,

make Fridays a half day and if you ask nicely,

I might just cancel your spelling test.

Before we get started, let's take a look at the school announcements.

Some of our Australian foreign exchange

students are struggling to get to grips with the local way of life.

We're still looking for the person who's been leaving dribble

and mashed banana on the library computers.

LAUGHTER

And one of our more gifted pupils has just sold his first

painting for £300,

which should just about cover his dry cleaning bill.

Before we kick things off,

let's check the register to see who's yearning for learning.

On my left, we have Jude.

-Present.

-And on his team, straight from the school of silence,

it's Susan Calman.

Here, sir.

And all-round Newsrounder, it's Ore Oduba.

Here!

-And if you mix them all together, you get Sujuore.

-Oh!

I think that look like an amazing Bond villain.

That's what that looks like - a super-villain.

I am Massive Eyes.

I've always wanted a child,

and if I ever get someone that looks like that, I'll be a very happy man.

On my right, we have Sonia.

Here.

She is joined by Scotland's second-finest, Des Clarke.

Here, sir.

And straight from the CBBC office, it's Dodge T Dog.

Yes, miss.

LAUGHTER

So, squish those together into a pupil soup and you get Desdodgenia.

I think that won Crufts this year.

Yeah.

Can we, please, have some applause for today's teams?

APPLAUSE

Right, here is how this thing works.

Each team has a load of homework they have to hand in.

The team that hands in the most by the end of the show will be

the winner.

But as ever, the losing side will be put into detention,

under the supervision of our PE teacher,

a man who doesn't know his own

strength and barely knows his own name.

It's Mr Smash.

HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

Looks like thirsty work, Mr Smash, I bet you could do with a drink.

HE GRUNTS

AUDIENCE GROANS

AUDIENCE GROANS

I'm all right for sweat, thanks very much, mate.

That's disgusting!

Even Dodge thinks that's disgusting.

He lives in a bin.

OK, so as far as the points go, it's Iain's school so it's...

Right, enough stalling, let's get cracking.

First up is Shedloads, the round with more responses than

the complaints department of a low-cost airline.

I'm going to ask you questions that have shedloads of correct answers.

I'll flip between the teams to get as many of them as possible.

When we've looted everything possible from your brain banks,

I'll move on to the next subject.

Is everyone with me on this one?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-Ore, you look confused.

I generally am confused.

And he in the news correspondent for the nation's children.

First question is biology, it's for Jude's team.

-Tigers.

-Correct.

-Kangaroos.

-Correct.

-Polar bears.

-Polar bears, yep.

-Crocodiles.

-Good point.

Cauliflowers.

-Terrible pets.

-Dead ones!

Dead cauliflowers?

Dead pets.

Dead pets make terrible pets.

-Sloth.

-Yeah.

-Tortoises.

-You mean tortoise.

That's the one - to-toi-toises.

Because they're hard to pronounce! Correct!

Bees, cos you can't get leads small enough to put on them.

-I'll give you that.

-Sharks!

-Correct.

-Dodge will agree with me on this one - cats.

-DODGE GROWLS

-No! I have three cats!

Evil!

Let's move on - school stuff.

-Do your homework.

-Correct.

Wash your hair.

-Yes.

-Not if you're Iain.

-Correct.

-Shave and eat your breakfast at the same time.

Des was a very hairy nine-year-old.

-I was!

-Jude's team.

I would wear a Strictly Come Dancing style ball gown so that

when I went into maths, I would make a bit of an impact.

Susan and I went to school together - I would meet her

dressed as Bruce Forsyth.

-MIMICS BRUCE FORSYTH:

-Nice to see you, to see you, nice.

And then we'd dance.

Your maths teacher would go, "Seven."

Jude's team.

Consider going back to bed, cos it's so much comfier.

It is indeed. OK.

You got to comb your face before you go to school!

How do you do that?

You just get a comb and go...

And then, sometimes, if you're in a rush, you can go...

-Then just leave.

-Let's move on.

And just for a laugh...

-Spiders.

-Spiders.

-Change the locks on the house.

-Yes!

Lightning bolt - chki-tah!

Oh!

# Dun-dun-dun. #

Sing badly?

That would scare someone.

I once hid in the bottom of a filing cabinet.

And then when someone came round and opened it, I went, "Ah-ha-ha!"

-Des.

-INDISTINCT

-Ore.

-HE MIMICS A SIREN

Dodge.

HE BREAKS WIND

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

It was a strong round, but I think for the trump,

I'm going to have to give it to Sonia's team.

Sonia, please, hand in your homework!

-Let's get on with our next round.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hello. Who is it?

-It's Eddie from class 4B.

In you come, Eddie from class 4B.

Come on. Oh, hello.

Eddie, are you doing a project about the Egyptian mummies?

-Nope.

-Is it a papier mache project?

No.

Then what's with the get up?

I got dressed in the bathroom. The bulb had gone.

-Here's a note for you, Iain.

-Thanks very much, Eddie, appreciated.

Give it up for Eddie, everybody.

APPLAUSE

We've got a school announcement here.

Could whoever stole the school's pet chicken please

return him to the chicken coop immediately?

Does anyone know what happened to the chicken?

No idea.

Who would do a thing like that?

Save the bones for me!

Don't encourage him, Dodge.

Time now for some magic,

it's everyone's favourite round, Who Do You Think I Am?

GROANING

I can feel the optimism in the room.

Well, it's your job to guess which historical figures

I'm improving upon today.

And if you get yours right, you can hand in your homework.

Right, we've got the props box and we've got my gift,

so let's step into the Stirling time machine!

Let's go!

Sonia's team, you're up first.

Here we go. First, got to get into character.

HE CLEARS THROAT

LAUGHTER

Why you laughing?!

This is the serious bit, it's the acting now.

Is this it? Are you doing...?

Stop it!

Iain, when you're ready, fella.

First clue.

I'm a lady from Manchester.

What?!

That woman from Corrie!

No!

I'm a historical figure.

That old woman from Corrie.

No!

He looks like the Mexican safety lady.

Oh, yeah, the famous Mexican safety lady.

Clue number two...

-MANCHESTER ACCENT:

-Thanks to my campaigning, people like you, Sonia,

and you, Susan Calman, were allowed to vote for political people.

-I know you!

-I want to campaign. I want to campaign.

You sound like Gary Barlow.

-MIMICS GARY BARLOW:

-Is it Gary Barlow?

No. You've got an idea?

Yes, I know who you are and I can't remember your name.

Ann Widdicombe off of Strictly.

No! Here's clue number three. Ready?

I were a key figure in the laundrettes.

-Dot Cotton!

-No!

I know who it is, can't remember the name.

Sorry, I meant suffragettes.

I defended women's rights, which I imagine went something like this.

Oh, is that a right? I'll defend it.

-Get away from the rights.

-That says, "For sale."

-Are you selling a house?

-No, this is me placard!

I'll buy that hat.

The only name that's coming to my head is...

It's not this, but in my head, Emily Pancake.

I'm a significant historical figure, I'm not a pancake!

-I think I know who it is.

-Who am I?

It's something like Emily Pancake.

Emily Pan... Emily Sandcake!

-Emily Sande.

-Is it Emily Sandcake?

I am not Emily Sandcake.

Susan Calman?

It's Emily Pankhurst.

Oh, close enough...

It was Emmeline Pankhurst.

The canny campaigner who helped British women get an equal

right to vote.

Unbelievable you got that one wrong.

I couldn't have acted it out any better.

-We were close.

-It was so accurate.

Jude's team, it's now time for you to watch me to transform.

Raincoat lady with the funky hat!

-Stop just saying stupid stuff, guys!

-That's what you do, though!

Right, here we go.

Clue number one. Now I get into character.

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-I am an Italian man.

Gino D'Acampo!

No!

I'm an Italian man, with a-many strings to my bow.

Definitely, with the hat, Frankie Dettori.

No!

I've not got a horse.

You're supposed to imagine, that's part of this game, right?

I'd be doing that, wouldn't I?

That's Frankie Dettori!

-No!

-Yeah!

Right, clue number two. Let's get back into character.

I painted some very famous paintings -

one of a lady with a funny smile.

You could even say her eyes follow you around the room.

OK. I just wanted to get the feeling for the character.

Italians are really good dancers and stuff, so can I just...

If we just did a wee dance.

-Do you...?

-I would love to do that.

LAUGHTER

-Bruno Tonioli!

-No!

OK, one last clue.

I came up with ideas for many different things-a!

Like the bicycle.

The tank.

I'm going to get ya!

And finally, the helicopter.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-No!

And I've got a Ninja Turtle named after me.

Who do you think I am?

I think Jude might know the answer.

-Jude, who am I?

-Leonardo da Vinci.

I am...Leonardo da Vinci!

Artist, inventor, architect, musician,

so in all, a bit of a show off!

OK, everyone.

I can tell you now, Sonia's team, you didn't get the correct answer.

Jude's team, you did get the correct answer,

so, Jude's team, you can hand in your homework.

OK, before we move on, let's check in with Smash for the scores.

How many bits of homework have Sonia's team handed in, Smashy?

What about Jude's team, Mr Smash?

HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

Well growled, Mr Smash.

Teams, there's nothing to separate you guys, at the moment.

So, Sonia, Jude, keep your teams under control or it'll be detention

with Mr Smash and, I tell you what, he is not a man to be trifled with.

HE GRUNTS

And for the record, he's not to be curried with either.

You'll never get those stains out.

Anyway, pull up your socks, guys, it's time for the next round.

OK, get ready to show your workings out cos it's time for Guesstimate.

And today's challenge requires strength, determination

and two of these.

Pow-pow!

So, let's see what you're up against.

As you can see, we have brought in a strongman machine,

but the question is, using this mallet, how many times can

one of your team's grown ups make that bell ring in 30 seconds?

Jude's team, you're looking at Ore.

You're looking at Susan.

I think Jude understands that when it comes to strength,

clearly, I am...

Actually, I've got a lower centre of gravity, so I could maybe swing...

Ore.

-I'm just going to say Ore.

-Just ignore all that explanation.

Just ignore all of that hard work.

Let's see your tickets, young man.

-Oh, big-uns!

-Look at them!

Now we're talking.

Sonia, you've got a choice between the human man Des Clarke or

the talking dog Dodge T Dog.

Look at his muscle! Look at that!

You've got incredible stomach muscles, don't you, Dodge?

Yeah, watch this...

-See, I'm brilliant, me.

-I'm really stuck now.

Hang on a minute - I'm an actual person.

OK, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, I will choose you.

-I'm going to have to go for Des.

-What about me?!

I'm sorry, Dodge, I'm going to have to go for Des.

Well, to help you guys with your guesstimates,

we've given you an inflatable hammer.

-Hammers out, please.

-Oh, Iain.

Who gives a dog with sharp teeth an inflatable toy?

You all have ten seconds on the clock to try

out your hammering technique.

Let's get everyone on their feet.

OK, let's practise your technique - go!

Good, Sonia. Look at the other people on your team.

Susan's smashing it.

Dodge has got it horribly wrong.

BELL RINGS

Take a seat. Take a seat.

That was a frightening ten seconds.

-Dodge, are you all right?

-No! Medic!

Do you want to talk us through your technique there?

Well, I tried to pick it up from the bottom, Iain,

but it started fighting back.

What about you, Jude,

did you get a better insight into Ore's hammering ability there?

It's best to hold it up at the top cos then you've got more...

-You don't get as much power, though.

-Yeah, but you got more agility.

Can I just say, you've been talking,

but the whole time I've just heard, "Squeak, squeak, squeak."

You've both got a better idea now.

So how many times can Ore and Des ring the bell in 30 seconds?

The team that guesstimates the highest will take on the challenge.

As always, if you hit your target, you can hand in your homework.

But if you miss the target, the other team wins.

On the count of three, I want you to turn over your answers.

One, two, three...

Oh, that is very close.

Jude's team went with 12, and Sonia's team have gone for 13,

which means, Des Clarke, you'll be taking on the challenge,

so get your mallet and make your way over to the strongman machine.

Des, you need to score 13 or above to win.

-I am ready. I'm like Thor.

-Well, it's hammer time.

# Hammer time... #

Three, two, one...go!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Keep going - seven!

Eight, nine, ten.

11...

-12, 13.

-He's done it!

This is just for fun now.

BELL RINGS

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Yay!

How did you find that, Des Clarke?

I might have broken it.

Des Clarke, you managed to score 16 rings of the bell...

Yeah! Go on!

Which means, Des, you can take a seat and, Sonia,

you can hand in your homework.

OK, it's time to play What Happened Was.

In this round, both teams have to come up with

a smasher of an excuse for not handing in their homework.

But what will their excuses be about today?

Let's find out by grabbing some words from our lovely audience.

Let's go.

I need some words for why they haven't handed in their homework.

-What's your name?

-Austin.

What's your word, Austin?

Jellyfish.

There you go.

I'm going to ask my own father!

What's your name?

-Dad.

-What's your word?

-Dad.

-Dad.

There you go - you can even use Iain's dad if you really want.

Let's put my dad into a wacky scenario.

Is this your dad? Can I sit on him?

-What's your name, mate?

-Calum.

And what's your word, mate?

Maelstrom.

Maelstrom?

What's maelstrom mean?

-Storm.

-Maelstrom.

Hiya! What's your name?

-Courtenay.

-What's your word, Courtenay?

Detention.

Good word - on topic.

OK, so for Jude's team, you have got...

So now we're going to get some words for Sonia's team.

Who's got some words?

What's your name, mate?

-Oran.

-Oran. And what's your word, Oran?

-Toilet.

-Woo-hoo-hoo!

Naughty Oran!

Surprise mum attack! Pow!

What's your word?

-Chocolate.

-Oh!

-What's your name, mate?

-Joey.

-And what's your word, Joey?

-King.

-King?

King Joey!

-What's your name, mate?

-Aidan.

-What's your word, Aidan?

-Eh, pandas.

Eh, pandas - good.

Sonia, your words are...

I don't think chocolate and toilet should go in the same sentence.

It's not going to end well, this.

Now we've got our words, let's pop out some porkies.

Let's go!

So let's do this.

Jude, if you'd just hand in your homework, that'd be lovely.

Well, you see, I actually don't have it.

You don't... What do you mean you don't have your homework?

I was in school yesterday,

and your dad gave me detention cos he was in school that day.

He is a teacher.

So he gave me detention and the punishment was eating jellyfish.

-Of course it was.

-It, like, caused a maelstrom in my stomach.

Oh, wow.

And I was just too ill to do my homework.

So that's why I don't have it in today.

That's all right, Jude, don't worry about it.

I'm going to speak to Sonia, I'll get her homework

and it'll be absolutely fine.

I don't really have my homework today.

-What do you mean...?

-ANNOUNCEMENT:

-School disco!

School disco!

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# It's always a good time

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh-oh

# We don't even have to try, it's always a good time

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh... #

What do you mean you don't have your homework, Sonia?

Yesterday, after school, I ran into this king.

They're kicking about these days.

And then he brought me to his castle and it was made of chocolate

so I had to stay.

You're not leaving a chocolate castle - you're not crazy!

And I ran into his pet panda...

He's got a pet panda?

He has a pet panda.

And the thing is, his panda really liked my homework,

so it decided to rip it to shreds, but there was a little bit left

so I had to put it in my pocket.

And I had to go to the bathroom, so the panda took me to the toilet.

They've got very good manners, don't they, pandas?

Was the panda inside the room or outside the room?

Outside the room.

And then I forgot that the homework was in my pocket

and when I stood up, it went into the toilet and I flushed it.

-We've all done it.

-We've all done it.

I'll buy that for a dollar!

It's not to me. Whose excuse did the audience prefer?

If you're a big fan of Jude's excuse that involves my own father,

please cheer now.

CHEERING

Or if you preferred Sonia's panda-toilet-chocolate story,

cheer now!

CHEERING

-Come on!

-Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

I'm a little bit biased,

because it involves Roger Stirling, I'm going to give it to Jude's team.

So, Jude, please hand in your homework.

Up you come!

OK, we have got just enough time for one more round.

It's Sprint Finish.

In this round, one member of each team

has to demonstrate all things sport,

using nothing but their nimble limbs and noises.

The rest of your team have to guess what you're on about.

Every correct answer is another piece of homework in the bank.

Is everyone up to speed?

-Yeah.

-Yes!

-OK.

Then Sonia's team, we'll have Des playing this one.

Make your way to the Sports Spot, please.

OK, your time starts when Sonia flips the first card.

Three, two, one...on you go!

-OK.

-Cycling.

Bike.

HE WHINNIES

-Horse riding.

-What type of horse riding?

-Long jump... Jumping!

Yes, show jumping, we'll give you that.

Next one.

-Motorcycling.

-Hoovering.

It's a small version of something that you play.

Mini golf.

Yeah! No, of course not!

-Mini football.

-Yes, but what is mini football?

-What is this called?

-Table!

-Table. Desk football.

-Desk football?

Table football.

Yes, next one.

OK. Um...

Golf.

Yeah!

Surfing. Hula hooping.

Yes, there you go.

Who surfs like that?

Des, let me help you out. This is tricky.

Here we go...

-Wrestling.

-No.

Wrestling.

HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER

-Taekwondo!

-Four letters.

-Judo!

-Yeah!

Rowing.

-Canoeing!

-Yeah, canoeing.

BELL RINGS

Give it up for Des Clarke, everyone.

OK, that means, Jude, your team is up next.

Ore, please make your way to the Sport Spot.

-I've got a lot to live up to here.

-OK. Ore, you feeling confident?

Mmm...no!

Good. Well, in that case, let's do it.

Three, two, one...flip over!

What's that?!

Badminton. Tennis.

Tap dancing.

-Skating.

-It's a team sport.

-Ice hockey!

-Yeah!

Next one. Oh, this'll be fun.

Eh, you are on a bike. You're on a BMX.

BMX biking - I'll give you that.

-On you go.

-Football.

-What are you wearing?

-Football boots.

-Yes, correct.

There we go. I want you to commit to this one.

-Diving.

-Yeah, diving.

-Surfing.

-What is he on?

-Surfboard.

-Yeah.

-Oh, here we go.

-Fencing.

-Yes!

-Ooh!

Skating again. Figure skating.

-Roller skating!

-Yeah!

OK...

-Dressage.

-Dressage!

BELL RINGS

Time is up.

OK, it could have made all the difference,

so please head back to your desk

till I work out who scored top marks.

Give it up for Ore Oduba, everybody!

APPLAUSE

It's nearly time to put our losing team into detention,

so let's just make sure Mr Smash is ready for them.

You all right, mate?

HE GRUNTS

Aw, bless him, he borrowed that cotton bud off his mum!

It's time to find out which team are swotty and which team are...

-AUDIENCE:

-Naughty!

OK.

DRUM ROLL

The winners are...

Jude's team!

CHEERING

Well done, Jude's team, which sadly means, Sonia's team,

you guys are going have to take the walk of shame.

Off you go!

# Nah, nah, nah-nah, losers

# Nah, nah, nah-nah, losers

# Nah, nah, nah-nah, losers

# Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah

# Losers. #

Oh, look!

Today, you're helping Mr Smash sort through his dirty gym

kit before he sticks it in the wash.

Aw, Dodge is loving it.

Before we go, please give it up for the losing team -

Sonia, Des and Dodge.

Give it up for our star pupils - Jude, Susan and Ore.

Thank you all for watching, and remember,

we didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

See-he ya!