Episode 7 The Dog Ate My Homework


Episode 7

Two teams fight it out. The team captains are joined by CBBC's own Dodge T Dog, Newsround's Ore Oduba, Susan Calman from School of Silence and Scottish comedian Des Clarke.


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Transcript


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Hello, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

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CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

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I'm Iain Stirling and I'm here to pick you first for PE,

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make Fridays a half day and if you ask nicely,

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I might just cancel your spelling test.

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Before we get started, let's take a look at the school announcements.

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Some of our Australian foreign exchange

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students are struggling to get to grips with the local way of life.

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We're still looking for the person who's been leaving dribble

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and mashed banana on the library computers.

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LAUGHTER

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And one of our more gifted pupils has just sold his first

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painting for £300,

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which should just about cover his dry cleaning bill.

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Before we kick things off,

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let's check the register to see who's yearning for learning.

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On my left, we have Jude.

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-Present.

-And on his team, straight from the school of silence,

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it's Susan Calman.

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Here, sir.

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And all-round Newsrounder, it's Ore Oduba.

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Here!

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-And if you mix them all together, you get Sujuore.

-Oh!

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I think that look like an amazing Bond villain.

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That's what that looks like - a super-villain.

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I am Massive Eyes.

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I've always wanted a child,

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and if I ever get someone that looks like that, I'll be a very happy man.

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On my right, we have Sonia.

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Here.

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She is joined by Scotland's second-finest, Des Clarke.

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Here, sir.

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And straight from the CBBC office, it's Dodge T Dog.

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Yes, miss.

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LAUGHTER

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So, squish those together into a pupil soup and you get Desdodgenia.

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I think that won Crufts this year.

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Yeah.

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Can we, please, have some applause for today's teams?

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APPLAUSE

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Right, here is how this thing works.

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Each team has a load of homework they have to hand in.

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The team that hands in the most by the end of the show will be

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the winner.

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But as ever, the losing side will be put into detention,

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under the supervision of our PE teacher,

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a man who doesn't know his own

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strength and barely knows his own name.

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It's Mr Smash.

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HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

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Looks like thirsty work, Mr Smash, I bet you could do with a drink.

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HE GRUNTS

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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I'm all right for sweat, thanks very much, mate.

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That's disgusting!

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Even Dodge thinks that's disgusting.

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He lives in a bin.

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OK, so as far as the points go, it's Iain's school so it's...

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Right, enough stalling, let's get cracking.

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First up is Shedloads, the round with more responses than

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the complaints department of a low-cost airline.

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I'm going to ask you questions that have shedloads of correct answers.

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I'll flip between the teams to get as many of them as possible.

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When we've looted everything possible from your brain banks,

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I'll move on to the next subject.

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Is everyone with me on this one?

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-ALL:

-Yes.

-Ore, you look confused.

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I generally am confused.

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And he in the news correspondent for the nation's children.

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First question is biology, it's for Jude's team.

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-Tigers.

-Correct.

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-Kangaroos.

-Correct.

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-Polar bears.

-Polar bears, yep.

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-Crocodiles.

-Good point.

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Cauliflowers.

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-Terrible pets.

-Dead ones!

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Dead cauliflowers?

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Dead pets.

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Dead pets make terrible pets.

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-Sloth.

-Yeah.

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-Tortoises.

-You mean tortoise.

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That's the one - to-toi-toises.

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Because they're hard to pronounce! Correct!

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Bees, cos you can't get leads small enough to put on them.

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-I'll give you that.

-Sharks!

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-Correct.

-Dodge will agree with me on this one - cats.

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-DODGE GROWLS

-No! I have three cats!

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Evil!

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Let's move on - school stuff.

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-Do your homework.

-Correct.

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Wash your hair.

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-Yes.

-Not if you're Iain.

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-Correct.

-Shave and eat your breakfast at the same time.

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Des was a very hairy nine-year-old.

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-I was!

-Jude's team.

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I would wear a Strictly Come Dancing style ball gown so that

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when I went into maths, I would make a bit of an impact.

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Susan and I went to school together - I would meet her

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dressed as Bruce Forsyth.

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-MIMICS BRUCE FORSYTH:

-Nice to see you, to see you, nice.

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And then we'd dance.

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Your maths teacher would go, "Seven."

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Jude's team.

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Consider going back to bed, cos it's so much comfier.

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It is indeed. OK.

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You got to comb your face before you go to school!

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How do you do that?

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You just get a comb and go...

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And then, sometimes, if you're in a rush, you can go...

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-Then just leave.

-Let's move on.

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And just for a laugh...

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-Spiders.

-Spiders.

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-Change the locks on the house.

-Yes!

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Lightning bolt - chki-tah!

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Oh!

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# Dun-dun-dun. #

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Sing badly?

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That would scare someone.

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I once hid in the bottom of a filing cabinet.

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And then when someone came round and opened it, I went, "Ah-ha-ha!"

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-Des.

-INDISTINCT

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-Ore.

-HE MIMICS A SIREN

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Dodge.

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HE BREAKS WIND

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LAUGHTER

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BELL RINGS

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It was a strong round, but I think for the trump,

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I'm going to have to give it to Sonia's team.

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Sonia, please, hand in your homework!

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-Let's get on with our next round.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

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-Hello. Who is it?

-It's Eddie from class 4B.

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In you come, Eddie from class 4B.

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Come on. Oh, hello.

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Eddie, are you doing a project about the Egyptian mummies?

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-Nope.

-Is it a papier mache project?

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No.

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Then what's with the get up?

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I got dressed in the bathroom. The bulb had gone.

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-Here's a note for you, Iain.

-Thanks very much, Eddie, appreciated.

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Give it up for Eddie, everybody.

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APPLAUSE

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We've got a school announcement here.

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Could whoever stole the school's pet chicken please

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return him to the chicken coop immediately?

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Does anyone know what happened to the chicken?

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No idea.

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Who would do a thing like that?

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Save the bones for me!

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Don't encourage him, Dodge.

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Time now for some magic,

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it's everyone's favourite round, Who Do You Think I Am?

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GROANING

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I can feel the optimism in the room.

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Well, it's your job to guess which historical figures

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I'm improving upon today.

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And if you get yours right, you can hand in your homework.

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Right, we've got the props box and we've got my gift,

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so let's step into the Stirling time machine!

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Let's go!

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Sonia's team, you're up first.

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Here we go. First, got to get into character.

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HE CLEARS THROAT

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LAUGHTER

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Why you laughing?!

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This is the serious bit, it's the acting now.

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Is this it? Are you doing...?

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Stop it!

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Iain, when you're ready, fella.

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First clue.

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I'm a lady from Manchester.

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What?!

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That woman from Corrie!

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No!

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I'm a historical figure.

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That old woman from Corrie.

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No!

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He looks like the Mexican safety lady.

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Oh, yeah, the famous Mexican safety lady.

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Clue number two...

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-MANCHESTER ACCENT:

-Thanks to my campaigning, people like you, Sonia,

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and you, Susan Calman, were allowed to vote for political people.

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-I know you!

-I want to campaign. I want to campaign.

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You sound like Gary Barlow.

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-MIMICS GARY BARLOW:

-Is it Gary Barlow?

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No. You've got an idea?

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Yes, I know who you are and I can't remember your name.

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Ann Widdicombe off of Strictly.

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No! Here's clue number three. Ready?

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I were a key figure in the laundrettes.

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-Dot Cotton!

-No!

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I know who it is, can't remember the name.

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Sorry, I meant suffragettes.

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I defended women's rights, which I imagine went something like this.

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Oh, is that a right? I'll defend it.

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-Get away from the rights.

-That says, "For sale."

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-Are you selling a house?

-No, this is me placard!

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I'll buy that hat.

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The only name that's coming to my head is...

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It's not this, but in my head, Emily Pancake.

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I'm a significant historical figure, I'm not a pancake!

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-I think I know who it is.

-Who am I?

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It's something like Emily Pancake.

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Emily Pan... Emily Sandcake!

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-Emily Sande.

-Is it Emily Sandcake?

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I am not Emily Sandcake.

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Susan Calman?

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It's Emily Pankhurst.

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Oh, close enough...

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It was Emmeline Pankhurst.

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The canny campaigner who helped British women get an equal

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right to vote.

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Unbelievable you got that one wrong.

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I couldn't have acted it out any better.

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-We were close.

-It was so accurate.

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Jude's team, it's now time for you to watch me to transform.

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Raincoat lady with the funky hat!

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-Stop just saying stupid stuff, guys!

-That's what you do, though!

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Right, here we go.

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Clue number one. Now I get into character.

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-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-I am an Italian man.

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Gino D'Acampo!

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No!

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I'm an Italian man, with a-many strings to my bow.

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Definitely, with the hat, Frankie Dettori.

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No!

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I've not got a horse.

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You're supposed to imagine, that's part of this game, right?

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I'd be doing that, wouldn't I?

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That's Frankie Dettori!

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-No!

-Yeah!

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Right, clue number two. Let's get back into character.

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I painted some very famous paintings -

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one of a lady with a funny smile.

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You could even say her eyes follow you around the room.

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OK. I just wanted to get the feeling for the character.

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Italians are really good dancers and stuff, so can I just...

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If we just did a wee dance.

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-Do you...?

-I would love to do that.

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LAUGHTER

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-Bruno Tonioli!

-No!

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OK, one last clue.

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I came up with ideas for many different things-a!

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Like the bicycle.

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The tank.

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I'm going to get ya!

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And finally, the helicopter.

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-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-No!

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And I've got a Ninja Turtle named after me.

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Who do you think I am?

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I think Jude might know the answer.

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-Jude, who am I?

-Leonardo da Vinci.

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I am...Leonardo da Vinci!

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Artist, inventor, architect, musician,

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so in all, a bit of a show off!

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OK, everyone.

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I can tell you now, Sonia's team, you didn't get the correct answer.

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Jude's team, you did get the correct answer,

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so, Jude's team, you can hand in your homework.

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OK, before we move on, let's check in with Smash for the scores.

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How many bits of homework have Sonia's team handed in, Smashy?

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What about Jude's team, Mr Smash?

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HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

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Well growled, Mr Smash.

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Teams, there's nothing to separate you guys, at the moment.

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So, Sonia, Jude, keep your teams under control or it'll be detention

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with Mr Smash and, I tell you what, he is not a man to be trifled with.

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HE GRUNTS

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And for the record, he's not to be curried with either.

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You'll never get those stains out.

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Anyway, pull up your socks, guys, it's time for the next round.

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OK, get ready to show your workings out cos it's time for Guesstimate.

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And today's challenge requires strength, determination

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and two of these.

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Pow-pow!

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So, let's see what you're up against.

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As you can see, we have brought in a strongman machine,

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but the question is, using this mallet, how many times can

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one of your team's grown ups make that bell ring in 30 seconds?

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Jude's team, you're looking at Ore.

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You're looking at Susan.

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I think Jude understands that when it comes to strength,

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clearly, I am...

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Actually, I've got a lower centre of gravity, so I could maybe swing...

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Ore.

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-I'm just going to say Ore.

-Just ignore all that explanation.

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Just ignore all of that hard work.

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Let's see your tickets, young man.

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-Oh, big-uns!

-Look at them!

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Now we're talking.

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Sonia, you've got a choice between the human man Des Clarke or

0:14:350:14:39

the talking dog Dodge T Dog.

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Look at his muscle! Look at that!

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You've got incredible stomach muscles, don't you, Dodge?

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Yeah, watch this...

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-See, I'm brilliant, me.

-I'm really stuck now.

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Hang on a minute - I'm an actual person.

0:14:540:14:57

OK, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, I will choose you.

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-I'm going to have to go for Des.

-What about me?!

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I'm sorry, Dodge, I'm going to have to go for Des.

0:15:030:15:05

Well, to help you guys with your guesstimates,

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we've given you an inflatable hammer.

0:15:070:15:10

-Hammers out, please.

-Oh, Iain.

0:15:100:15:13

Who gives a dog with sharp teeth an inflatable toy?

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You all have ten seconds on the clock to try

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out your hammering technique.

0:15:200:15:21

Let's get everyone on their feet.

0:15:210:15:24

OK, let's practise your technique - go!

0:15:240:15:28

Good, Sonia. Look at the other people on your team.

0:15:280:15:31

Susan's smashing it.

0:15:310:15:34

Dodge has got it horribly wrong.

0:15:340:15:37

BELL RINGS

0:15:370:15:39

Take a seat. Take a seat.

0:15:410:15:42

That was a frightening ten seconds.

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-Dodge, are you all right?

-No! Medic!

0:15:440:15:47

Do you want to talk us through your technique there?

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Well, I tried to pick it up from the bottom, Iain,

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but it started fighting back.

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What about you, Jude,

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did you get a better insight into Ore's hammering ability there?

0:15:560:15:59

It's best to hold it up at the top cos then you've got more...

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-You don't get as much power, though.

-Yeah, but you got more agility.

0:16:020:16:05

Can I just say, you've been talking,

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but the whole time I've just heard, "Squeak, squeak, squeak."

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You've both got a better idea now.

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So how many times can Ore and Des ring the bell in 30 seconds?

0:16:120:16:17

The team that guesstimates the highest will take on the challenge.

0:16:170:16:21

As always, if you hit your target, you can hand in your homework.

0:16:210:16:25

But if you miss the target, the other team wins.

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On the count of three, I want you to turn over your answers.

0:16:280:16:32

One, two, three...

0:16:320:16:33

Oh, that is very close.

0:16:340:16:36

Jude's team went with 12, and Sonia's team have gone for 13,

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which means, Des Clarke, you'll be taking on the challenge,

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so get your mallet and make your way over to the strongman machine.

0:16:440:16:47

Des, you need to score 13 or above to win.

0:16:550:16:58

-I am ready. I'm like Thor.

-Well, it's hammer time.

0:16:580:17:01

# Hammer time... #

0:17:010:17:04

Three, two, one...go!

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SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

0:17:070:17:10

Keep going - seven!

0:17:180:17:20

Eight, nine, ten.

0:17:200:17:24

11...

0:17:260:17:27

-12, 13.

-He's done it!

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This is just for fun now.

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BELL RINGS

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Stop it! Stop it!

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Stop it!

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Yay!

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How did you find that, Des Clarke?

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I might have broken it.

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Des Clarke, you managed to score 16 rings of the bell...

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Yeah! Go on!

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Which means, Des, you can take a seat and, Sonia,

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you can hand in your homework.

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OK, it's time to play What Happened Was.

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In this round, both teams have to come up with

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a smasher of an excuse for not handing in their homework.

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But what will their excuses be about today?

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Let's find out by grabbing some words from our lovely audience.

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Let's go.

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I need some words for why they haven't handed in their homework.

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-What's your name?

-Austin.

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What's your word, Austin?

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Jellyfish.

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There you go.

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I'm going to ask my own father!

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What's your name?

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-Dad.

-What's your word?

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-Dad.

-Dad.

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There you go - you can even use Iain's dad if you really want.

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Let's put my dad into a wacky scenario.

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Is this your dad? Can I sit on him?

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-What's your name, mate?

-Calum.

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And what's your word, mate?

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Maelstrom.

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Maelstrom?

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What's maelstrom mean?

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-Storm.

-Maelstrom.

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Hiya! What's your name?

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-Courtenay.

-What's your word, Courtenay?

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Detention.

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Good word - on topic.

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OK, so for Jude's team, you have got...

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So now we're going to get some words for Sonia's team.

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Who's got some words?

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What's your name, mate?

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-Oran.

-Oran. And what's your word, Oran?

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-Toilet.

-Woo-hoo-hoo!

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Naughty Oran!

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Surprise mum attack! Pow!

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What's your word?

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-Chocolate.

-Oh!

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-What's your name, mate?

-Joey.

-And what's your word, Joey?

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-King.

-King?

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King Joey!

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-What's your name, mate?

-Aidan.

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-What's your word, Aidan?

-Eh, pandas.

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Eh, pandas - good.

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Sonia, your words are...

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I don't think chocolate and toilet should go in the same sentence.

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It's not going to end well, this.

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Now we've got our words, let's pop out some porkies.

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Let's go!

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So let's do this.

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Jude, if you'd just hand in your homework, that'd be lovely.

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Well, you see, I actually don't have it.

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You don't... What do you mean you don't have your homework?

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I was in school yesterday,

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and your dad gave me detention cos he was in school that day.

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He is a teacher.

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So he gave me detention and the punishment was eating jellyfish.

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-Of course it was.

-It, like, caused a maelstrom in my stomach.

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Oh, wow.

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And I was just too ill to do my homework.

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So that's why I don't have it in today.

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That's all right, Jude, don't worry about it.

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I'm going to speak to Sonia, I'll get her homework

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and it'll be absolutely fine.

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I don't really have my homework today.

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-What do you mean...?

-ANNOUNCEMENT:

-School disco!

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School disco!

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# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

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# It's always a good time

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# Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh-oh

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# We don't even have to try, it's always a good time

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# Whoa-oh-oh-oh... #

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What do you mean you don't have your homework, Sonia?

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Yesterday, after school, I ran into this king.

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They're kicking about these days.

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And then he brought me to his castle and it was made of chocolate

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so I had to stay.

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You're not leaving a chocolate castle - you're not crazy!

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And I ran into his pet panda...

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He's got a pet panda?

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He has a pet panda.

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And the thing is, his panda really liked my homework,

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so it decided to rip it to shreds, but there was a little bit left

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so I had to put it in my pocket.

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And I had to go to the bathroom, so the panda took me to the toilet.

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They've got very good manners, don't they, pandas?

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Was the panda inside the room or outside the room?

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Outside the room.

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And then I forgot that the homework was in my pocket

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and when I stood up, it went into the toilet and I flushed it.

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-We've all done it.

-We've all done it.

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I'll buy that for a dollar!

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It's not to me. Whose excuse did the audience prefer?

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If you're a big fan of Jude's excuse that involves my own father,

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please cheer now.

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CHEERING

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Or if you preferred Sonia's panda-toilet-chocolate story,

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cheer now!

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CHEERING

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-Come on!

-Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

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I'm a little bit biased,

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because it involves Roger Stirling, I'm going to give it to Jude's team.

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So, Jude, please hand in your homework.

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Up you come!

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OK, we have got just enough time for one more round.

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It's Sprint Finish.

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In this round, one member of each team

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has to demonstrate all things sport,

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using nothing but their nimble limbs and noises.

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The rest of your team have to guess what you're on about.

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Every correct answer is another piece of homework in the bank.

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Is everyone up to speed?

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-Yeah.

-Yes!

-OK.

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Then Sonia's team, we'll have Des playing this one.

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Make your way to the Sports Spot, please.

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OK, your time starts when Sonia flips the first card.

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Three, two, one...on you go!

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-OK.

-Cycling.

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Bike.

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HE WHINNIES

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-Horse riding.

-What type of horse riding?

-Long jump... Jumping!

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Yes, show jumping, we'll give you that.

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Next one.

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-Motorcycling.

-Hoovering.

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It's a small version of something that you play.

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Mini golf.

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Yeah! No, of course not!

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-Mini football.

-Yes, but what is mini football?

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-What is this called?

-Table!

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-Table. Desk football.

-Desk football?

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Table football.

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Yes, next one.

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OK. Um...

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Golf.

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Yeah!

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Surfing. Hula hooping.

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Yes, there you go.

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Who surfs like that?

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Des, let me help you out. This is tricky.

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Here we go...

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-Wrestling.

-No.

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Wrestling.

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HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER

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-Taekwondo!

-Four letters.

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-Judo!

-Yeah!

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Rowing.

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-Canoeing!

-Yeah, canoeing.

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BELL RINGS

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Give it up for Des Clarke, everyone.

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OK, that means, Jude, your team is up next.

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Ore, please make your way to the Sport Spot.

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-I've got a lot to live up to here.

-OK. Ore, you feeling confident?

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Mmm...no!

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Good. Well, in that case, let's do it.

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Three, two, one...flip over!

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What's that?!

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Badminton. Tennis.

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Tap dancing.

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-Skating.

-It's a team sport.

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-Ice hockey!

-Yeah!

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Next one. Oh, this'll be fun.

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Eh, you are on a bike. You're on a BMX.

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BMX biking - I'll give you that.

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-On you go.

-Football.

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-What are you wearing?

-Football boots.

-Yes, correct.

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There we go. I want you to commit to this one.

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-Diving.

-Yeah, diving.

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-Surfing.

-What is he on?

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-Surfboard.

-Yeah.

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-Oh, here we go.

-Fencing.

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-Yes!

-Ooh!

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Skating again. Figure skating.

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-Roller skating!

-Yeah!

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OK...

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-Dressage.

-Dressage!

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BELL RINGS

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Time is up.

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OK, it could have made all the difference,

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so please head back to your desk

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till I work out who scored top marks.

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Give it up for Ore Oduba, everybody!

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APPLAUSE

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It's nearly time to put our losing team into detention,

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so let's just make sure Mr Smash is ready for them.

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You all right, mate?

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HE GRUNTS

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Aw, bless him, he borrowed that cotton bud off his mum!

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It's time to find out which team are swotty and which team are...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Naughty!

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OK.

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DRUM ROLL

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The winners are...

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Jude's team!

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CHEERING

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Well done, Jude's team, which sadly means, Sonia's team,

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you guys are going have to take the walk of shame.

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Off you go!

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# Nah, nah, nah-nah, losers

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# Nah, nah, nah-nah, losers

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# Nah, nah, nah-nah, losers

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# Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah

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# Losers. #

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Oh, look!

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Today, you're helping Mr Smash sort through his dirty gym

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kit before he sticks it in the wash.

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Aw, Dodge is loving it.

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Before we go, please give it up for the losing team -

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Sonia, Des and Dodge.

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Give it up for our star pupils - Jude, Susan and Ore.

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Thank you all for watching, and remember,

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we didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

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See you all next time on...

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-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

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See-he ya!

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Two teams fight it out to dodge detention and put the cool back into school, in a mischievous mix of tongue-in-cheek comedy, off-the-wall questions, nonsensical studio games and slapstick challenges.

The super-student team captains are joined by CBBC's own four-legged friend Dodge T Dog, Newsround's Ore Oduba, Susan Calman from School of Silence and Scottish comedian Des Clarke.


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