Episode 8 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling and I'm here to send school work

off on a geography trip without its sleeping bag.

But before we get to that,

let's take a look at the school announcements...

Year 7 have come up with a brand-new way

to get round the school's mobile phone ban.

LAUGHTER

Apologies to pupils for the late start to our London field trip.

We'll be leaving as soon as the bus has its nails done.

LAUGHTER

And Mr Jones will be holding a Maths workshop after school

to help pupils do really big sums.

LAUGHTER

Right, let's take the register and find out whose train

is pulling into the education station today.

-On my left, we have Gilbert...

-Here, sir!

..sitting beside him is full-time funny man Romesh Ranganathan.

Here, Iain.

...and from Waterloo Road, it's Kirstie Steele.

-Present!

-Oh, lovely!

So, in summary, what we have is Gil-Tie-Mesh...

LAUGHTER

And on my right we have Neve...

Hola!

...and on her team,

we have funny in mind,

and funnier in accent,

-it's Bec Hill...

-Hello.

It must be a day off for the show - because we also have,

from Waterloo Road,

-it's Shane O'Meara.

-Hello.

And put them all together and what you get is...

Bec-She-Neve.

LAUGHTER

It looks like Radio 1 DJ Greg James.

He looks actually better than any of them individually.

I think, actually, Shane, I think

you suit lipstick.

That's really freaking me out, really, that.

I like this one though.

It looks like something

you'd find in your wardrobe.

I am Gil-Tie-Mesh, eater of socks!

Oh, please, give it up for today's teams!

Right, here's how this works. Each team has a load of homework.

The team that hands in the most by the end of the show will be

the winner, but as ever, the losing side will be put into detention

under the supervision of our PE teacher.

The only thing less welcome in a China shop than the bull...

It's Mr Smash!

HE GRUNTS

What have you got there, Smashy?

Oh! You won the Bear Wrestling Championship?!

MR SMASH GRUNTS

Amazing, mate. Your mum must be very proud.

I just don't know how handy

-that's going to be in a television studio though.

-Uh?

-Yeah.

MR SMASH GRUNTS

Well, you live and learn...

So that's what you have to look

forward to if you don't pay attention.

And remember, as far as the points go,

it's Iain's School, so it's...

AUDIENCE: Iain's rules!

Let's make some telly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So first up, it's Shed Loads.

The round that has a lot to answer for.

I'll ask you a question that has shed loads of right answers,

team by team, you have to give me as many of those answers

as is humanly possible.

The team that I think does the best gets to hand in their homework.

Has everyone got that?

ALL: Yes!

Great, OK. The first subject is for Neve's team.

It is Science.

Go!

-Toilet.

-Yeah!

-Bum scratcher.

-Oh, it's a good one!

-Light bulb.

-Light bulb.

-TV.

-OK, next one.

Popcorn hat.

-Popcorn hat?

-Yeah, you press a button,

popcorn comes out of the hat.

-OK.

-Magic carpet.

-Is that an invention or made up?

-No, no, it's an invention.

They've got them in Manchester, apparently, OK.

-Cup-a-buscuit.

-What?!

-It's a cup and there's a pocket for a biscuit.

-You can have it.

-The zip.

-Next one.

-An aglet.

-What?!

It's the little plastic bit at the end of your shoelace

so that you can put it through the hole.

I'll give you that, next.

Sewage. Where would we be without sewage?

For saying sewage,

what you're saying is I really like the contents of a sewer.

Poopy.

OK, next...

-Chicken!

-Yeah!

-Omelettes.

-Yeah!

-Egg-fried rice.

-Ooh!

-My fridge.

-Yes.

A nest.

Ooh, very good, Bec.

Quiche!

Quiche! All right, next one.

-Pancakes.

-Yes.

-Eggy breads.

-Yes.

Egg-gg...

I'll give you that, let's move on.

And this one's just for me...

Pow!

Good.

Peeeeew... Pow.

That firework is called disappointment. Next one.

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Stink bomb. Kirstie!

Shh...

That's called the library firework.

LAUGHTER

A cartwheel. Whew, whew, whew...

Next!

Pta, pta, pta, pta!

Oh, that's a firework that's got asthma. Next.

Whooooo... Pow!

Nice. Romesh?

Yeehaa! Dakka-dakka, dakka-dakka, dakka-dakka!

Waaah! Waaah!

Waaah! Aaaaah!

I think he just did the haka.

BELL RINGS

Wow, time up!

I think... I've got to say this.

Purely for that, if you can do the firework sound one more time,

I'm going to give it to Gilbert's team for Romesh's firework.

So one last time, Romesh.

Yeehaa! Dakka-dakka, dakka-dakka, dakka-dakka!

Rat-at-at-at-at-at! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Dakka-dakka, dakka-dakka, dakka-dakka! Ping!

One that note, Gilbert, hand in your homework, mate, come on!

APPLAUSE

OK, in this round, we...

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Hello, who is it?

It's Eve, from class 4B.

In you come, Eve, from class 4B.

Oh, Eve, you're wearing a costume from Drama class.

-No!

-Oh, it's a History project, you must be studying something.

No!

-You're impersonating the French teacher?

-No.

I'm just trying to annoy the German teacher.

That's some lost property for you, Iain.

Thanks very much, Eve! Give it up for Evie, everybody!

Byeee!

I've got bit of lost property.

Romesh, you left your rucksack in Maths.

That's not my bag, man.

-It's definitely your bag.

-That definitely isn't my bag.

I mean, it is your bag.

Um, Iain, I'm telling you -

THAT is not my bag, trust me.

What do you mean?

I've got my bag right here.

-Can I keep this one?

-Of course!

Oh, good! Besties!

Yeah, my friends, OK!

Now, it's time for everybody's favourite part of the show,

it's time for Who Do You Think I Am?

ALL: Oh!

Romesh, you're pretty, pretty excited about this, I can see.

No, genuinely, can you not, please, just for the sake of the show...

You're such a kind man.

Anyway, it's your job to guess what famous figure from history

is piggy-backing onto my talent today,

and if you get it right, you can hand in your homework.

Well, I've got a box full of props, and a head full of dreams.

So let's do this already, OK!

OK, Gilbert's team, you guys are up first, you'll be glad to know.

-Bob the builder!

-No!

I've not started yet!

Bob the Builder with a horse!

Be quiet!

Wild West Bob the Builder!

-He will gnaw your face off!

-OK.

Raaaa!

You can't even do a horse noise properly.

This is not any horse, this is Clive. Clive, the horse!

Clive's a better actor than you, buddy.

Shut up!

And why do you have the horse...?

I am trying my best!

You're a very angry man.

-I am!

-Is that it? We've won!

-Yes!

-No!

-All right, OK.

-Oh!

OK, first clue...

Oh!

-IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-I'm a French lady.

Why do you sound like an English fairy?

I'm a French lady!

You don't sound like you've heard of France.

Smash, did you like my accent?

HE GRUNTS

He sounded more like a French lady than you did.

Shut up or I will get you!

A firework!

Second clue...

I was good at fighting...

-What?!

-Tchow...

-That's not farting.

-Fighting!

Oh, fighting. Say it properly.

I don't do any trumps, cos I'm a lady.

-Good.

-And after I died,

they made me a saint.

-They made you a what?

-A saint!

-I've got a halo on!

-OK, all right.

A kung fu French lady! Wheeeeh!

Are you Kung Fu Panda?

Kung Fu Panda?!

This is ridiculous, I don't know why I bother.

It is ridiculous, I don't know why you bother.

Ah!

Time for clue number three.

I once burned the steak!

Oh, OK.

I was once burned AT the stake.

You can't even get the clues correct!

You're a joke wrapped up in a problem

with a little joke ribbon on the top.

THEY LAUGH

HE HONKS THE HORN

Who am I?

You're Joan of Arc!

I am as well!

Yeah, she never reached 20, but she

did lead the French army to victory.

Right, so, Neve's team - this is for you, OK?

First clue - I...

CHUCKLING

Come on.

I am an American man...

You have double chin, OK.

So a double-chin, fake American person.

I don't, I wasn't... I don't actually have a double chin!

Did you say I have a double chin?!

Here comes the French lady again...

OK, I am an American man.

Nom, nom, nom...

Oh, nom, nom...

Oh, I like burgers, I'm American!

Why are you not eating the burger?

It's a dog chew toy!

-Commit to your character!

-Commit to your character! Bite it.

ALL: Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it!

I can't, it is plastic!

TOY SQUEAKS

OK, let's go on to our next clue, OK? Here we go.

Are you Hawaiian? Oh!

-I'll put my skirt on.

-Hello!

-Yeah, there you go.

-Aloha!

I'm one of the most famous singers of all time!

-Lady Gaga!

-No! A man!

She has hair like that, but on her head.

Yes, she does. I'm wearing Lady Gaga's hair.

I'm one of the most famous singers of all time

and boy, could I move!

I think you have to...

Oh, yeah! Boy, could I move.

A goldfish could do that!

No, cos it's not got legs!

In 500 years, it could grow legs.

Final clue, here we go.

-Oh!

-Oh, oh!

The Hawaiian bobsled team.

The entire team, all of them.

I'm all five of them! Last clue.

People from all round the world make a fortune pretending to be me.

I live in a place called Graceland.

And I sing lots of songs about things like teddy bears

and blue suede shoes.

-They were nice.

-Who am I?

Elvis Presley!

My name be Elvis Presley!

APPLAUSE

The soldier, movie star

and on top of that, the King of Rock'n'roll.

Well, you both got it right, so well done, Neve and Gilbert, you can

both hand in your homework!

OK, it's time to Say What? Audience, say what?!

-ALL:

-Say what?

Yes, very well done. It's an easy one, this,

words from around the world will pop up on the screen.

And all you guys must do is tell me what you think they mean.

Whichever team I think does the best can hand in their homework.

OK, here is your first word. What does it mean?

It's actually a chain of nightclubs for crabs.

I can't get in, I'm wearing eight pairs of trainers!

It's properly wicked down the Pinchadisco, mate.

-I'm loving it, know what I mean?

-Is it a Pokemon?

-No.

Pin-cha-disco!

I unleash the power of Pinchadisco!

Wait, Romesh, make your firework sounds.

Wa-pinchadisco!

APPLAUSE

Anybody else? Kirstie?

It sounds like something a chef would maybe say.

Like "I'll have a pinchadiscos, a this..."

That's not bad!

BELL

OK, it sounds like a street name for a DVD thief.

It's not. I'm going to give you the answer.

What the word actually means, it is the Spanish word for a DJ and

I know what you are all thinking - Iain, how would you pronounce that?

It's very simple. It sounds a little something like this.

-SPANISH VOICE:

-Pinchadiscos.

-I didn't understand.

-Oh, I can do it again. I'm very good at this.

Sounds a little something like this.

Pinchadiscos.

-Loving it, loving it, loving it.

-Next word is this.

And I want to know what it means in certain parts of Nigeria. Romesh?

There was an ancient warrior called Dundee.

And he battled a dragon many years ago.

And many people thought that he should have been made a knight

but he never was, and so constantly for the rest of his life

people go up to him and say, "Dundee, you knighted?"

APPLAUSE

Bec?

It's a teddy bear from Dundee that managed to get into university

and now he is Dundee's mascot.

Dundee Uni Ted.

Uni Ted! Neve?

Is Dundee something you would call a person if you didn't like them?

You're like, "Ugh, Dundee. Dundee. Dundee."

-I'm going to give you a point for that.

-Yes!

Genuinely, because, listen to this,

if you were called a Dundee United by somebody that speaks Yoruba,

-you should be offended because it actually means idiot.

-Yay!

Honestly true. Honestly true.

But don't worry, people of Dundee, I've got your back.

That word should actually be Tottenham Hotspur.

-How would you pronounce that, Iain?

-I'm glad you asked.

You pronounce the word thusly.

Dundee United.

OK, let's move on

-with the next word?

-School disco.

School disco!

MUSIC: "We Found Love" by Rihanna

Bonjour.

MUSIC STOPS

Your next word is this one here.

-What does this mean?

-Regenbogen!

-Yeah?

-It is the bogeyman's brother.

Regen again - oh!

Is it Swedish? Regenbogen!

-Boggin oggin. Moggen goggen.

-Snoggin'!

-Snoggin'!

Snoggin'!

-Phenomenoggin!

-Flap dudenoggin!

Anyone else? Bec?

It's a traditional German dance which Neve will now

demonstrate for us..

-Yeah, yeah.

-Go right down there, Neve.

Get your legs in.

-Regenbogen! Regenbogen!

-That's good. That's the one.

-OK.

-Let's do it.

-You put your hands like this.

-Regenbogen!

APPLAUSE

It actually refers to a special type of bogey that occupies both

nostrils simultaneously.

You can sort of clean your nose like a towel.

-Regenbogen!

-I'm going to tell you that answer.

It is the German word for rainbow.

It should be pronounced a little something like this.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Regenbogen!

Somewhere over the...

Regenbogen!

After that round, I think, for the dance,

-I'm going to give the points to Neve's team.

-Yes!

Hand in your homework!

OK, it's time to take a quick break

and check in with Mr Smash for the scores.

How many bits of homework have Neve's team handed in, Smashy?

HE GROWLS

All right, and what about Gilbert's team?

HE GROWLS

Oh, so at the minute you guys are neck and neck. But both teams

need to keep their eyes on the prize

or it's detention with Mr Smash. And believe you me, the man

has got a very short fuse.

ROCKY THEME

It's a rematch!

Anyway, let's get on to the next round!

APPLAUSE

OK, it's time for What Happened Was, the round where our teams have to

come up with a belter of an excuse for not handing in their homework.

But what will they be about?

Let's find out by getting some words from our studio audience. Let's go!

APPLAUSE

Whose words are we going to get?

Let's find out, surprise teacher attack!

Hello.

-The word is hello. No, it's not.

-Train tracks.

-Train track. OK.

-What about you, mate?

-Sick.

-Sick?

That word's sick, mate!

Excuse me, sorry. Excuse me. Sorry, I've just done a trump.

-Stinky! What is your word?

-Jelly beans.

Jelly beans! Get some more.

-Surprise teacher attack!

-Er, astronaut.

Er, that is, "Er, astronaut," that one. Cool.

OK, so, Neve, your words are train track,

sick - ugh - jelly beans

and astronaut.

Let's get some words for Gilbert's him. OK.

I'm going to go in the middle a bit more.

-What's your name?

-Amir.

-Amir. What is your word?

-Freeze.

-Freeze.

Freeze. Pure freezin', man!

Hiya! What's your name?

-Ellie.

-And what is your word, Ellie?

Semolina.

-Say that again.

-Semolina.

Semolina. OK. Come on!

-Diamantes!

-Diamantes!

-What's your word, man?

-Asteroid.

-Asteroid. Hmm!

OK. Gilbert's team.

Your words are freeze, diamante, asteroid and semolina.

OK. So, now we've got our words let's do some lying.

Come on, let's go!

APPLAUSE

So, hi, Neve. You know the rules.

At this point of the show, you hand in your homework.

So if you just hand that over, we can get on with it.

-I don't have my homework.

-You don't have your homework? Why?

-Why don't you have your homework?

-So, you know how we had to draw

-a picture of an astronaut for our homework?

-Yes. Well done.

-That was the homework.

-I was drawing this really sick astronaut,

so I was drawing this by the train track, eating some jelly beans.

Why were you by the train tracks?

-Because I was waiting for my train.

-Of course. Sorry. I'm an idiot.

And then when my train came I was late

because I had to finish off this homework.

It's so important because you're my favourite teacher.

-Thanks.

-I had to make it the best ever.

And then this train went asked, and I was like, "Hey, hey,"

and I drop my homework onto the train and I was just crying

because I had nothing else.

I had no jelly beans left, no homework, just crushed dreams.

Well, don't worry about it.

Because I will just go over to Gilbert,

he'll hand in his homework, then we can carry on.

Can't we, Gilbert? Just pass me your homework, mate. Hand it over.

-I don't really have it.

-Well, you don't really have it or you don't?

I don't have it.

Sorry. Walking to school with some semolina for you.

How would you pronounce that?

-I don't know really, because...

-I know how to pronounce it.

-How?

-Semolina! Because I actually listen in class.

-Oh, Neve, bonus points.

Still didn't have your homework, though!

-I was making semolina for my favourite teacher!

-Thanks, mate.

I hate semolina, though, so wrong.

Asteroids came from the sky and hit the ground and everything...

I was blown off my feet. Everything froze. It was all really cold.

I was the only thing that had not froze.

You don't remember this because you were all frozen in time.

Oh, right, the old frozen in time thing. Yes.

I hate when that happens.

I looked at my homework and it just shattered to pieces. Shattered.

It was like diamantes on the floor.

-Oh!

-That's why I don't have my homework in.

Romesh, is that what actually happened?

Doesn't matter.

Listen, it is not up to me whose excuse is the best, it is

up to you, the audience.

So give me a cheer

if you thought Neve's train story was the most plausible.

CHEERING

Louder! Woo!

OK. Or if you prefer Gilbert's semolina, cheer now.

CHEERING

Right, well,...

This is hard actually. Semolina!

-Semolina!

-Gilbert's team, hand in your homework.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's get ready to ascend to the end.

It is All Kinds Of Wrong.

I will be peppering each of the teams with a bunch of questions

and when you're bathed in the glow of the spotlight, I want you

to give me the first incorrect answer that springs to mind.

Every wrong answer means a piece of bonus homework in the bank.

OK, so Neve's team, you're up first

so please pop along to the Wrong Ray!

APPLAUSE

The Wrong Ray!

OK, here we go. Your time starts in three, two, one. Here we go.

Curiosity killed the...

Cocktail sausages!

Who is the President of the United States?

Auntie Gwenda.

Cock-a-doodle...

-Garden gnome.

-What are Daleks known for shouting?

-Bathroom!

-If you're sent off in football you get a red...

-Key.

-Name one of your five senses.

Myaaaa - pff!

Correct. If life gives you lemons, make...

A small hedge.

Charles Dickens wrote a Christmas...

Cheesecake.

New York is known as the big...

Baboon.

What did the Grinch steal?

BELL

Aw!

Please leave the stage.

And Gilbert's team, you are up next.

Your time starts in three, two, one. Two heads are better than...

-Two.

-Correct. The first man to walk on the moon was...

A large cauliflower.

Correct. Name the TV show Britain's Got...

A lot of problems.

Correct. Wayne Rooney plays...

Chicken.

Would I be lying if I said flamingos were pink?

No.

Incorrect. I would. Roses are red, violets are...

Monkeys.

Correct. Pinocchio's nose grew when he...

Shouted.

To infinity and...

-POSH VOICE:

-Let's have a party.

Like two peas in a...

BELL APPLAUSE

Time up. All right, guys. Head back to your seats.

We'll see who scored top marks.

Well, it's detention time so let's find out who makes the grade

and who makes me sick.

So, Mr Smash, are you ready over there, mate?

HE STRAINS

Look at that. He's found a stone in his shoe!

Always an inconvenience.

Right, let's find out which team are swotty and which team are...

-ALL:

-Naughty!

OK.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whooooaaa...

And the winners today are...

Neve's team!

Yay!

Loser! Woo!

It's great news for Neve's team, and, well, it's...news for Gilbert's

team, so sadly, guys, please take the walk of shame.

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Losers!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Losers!

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Losers!

Today in detention you'll be helping Mr Smash write his autobiography

with a little bit of dictation.

What is he telling you?

I can't understand what he's saying.

MR SMASH ROARS

I don't know what he's on about! How am I supposed to write that?!

Write it down! Neve's team are the winners.

Before you go, give it up for Gilbert's team.

Please give it up for Romesh, Gilbert and Kirstie!

Give it up for Neve's team, Bec, Neve and Shane.

APPLAUSE

Thanks you all for watching.

And remember, we didn't learn much - but it was fun trying.

-See you next time on...

-ALL:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!