Episode 9 The Dog Ate My Homework

THEY SPEAK NONSENSE

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling and I'm here to put the "K" into "bad spelling".

But before we get started, here are the school announcements.

The principal has just released this photo-fit of the person

suspected of stealing plates from the canteen.

As part of the school's new health drive,

all pupils are required to quite literally catch the bus.

And can we remind the javelin club that they are not allowed to

practise during lessons?

Now, it's time we get things going by taking the register

and find out who's screechin' for a teachin' today.

-On my left we have Lucy.

-Hello.

On her team we have CBBC's comedy queen, Susan Calman.

Here, Mr Stirling.

-And Friday Downloader Cel Spellman.

-Yes, sir.

Squish them together and what you get is Lucelan!

-Good cheek bones.

-Very good cheek bones.

-What do you think, Lucy?

-It's interesting.

-It is, isn't it?

-That's actually Susan's brother.

-And on my right we have Jude.

-Wazzup!

On his team is a comedian who's introduced as "not that one" -

-Chris Martin.

-Here, Dad, I mean, sir.

-And she's let the dogs out, it's Ashleigh Butler.

-Hee-ar!

Put them all together and what you get is...Crashude.

-It looks like a sloth.

-A sloth! Have you ever seen a sloth?

It looks like a really badly dressed rocker.

Yes.

If ours and yours teamed up together that's a couple of people

you wouldn't mess with.

Please give it up for today's teams.

Right, here's how this works.

Each team has homework to hand in.

The team that hands in the most by

the end of the show will be the winner,

but as ever, the losing side will be put into detention

under the supervision of our PE teacher.

He works hard, he plays hard, he is hard.

It's Mr Smash.

You all right over there, Mr Smash?

Oh, snacks. Can I have some, please, Smashie? Is that all right?

HE GRUNTS

Could you rustle me up a few more?

HE LAUGHS

Cheers, mate. I'm going to chat to Susan for a bit.

-How's it going?

-It's going all right. I'm having a nice time.

-Show going well so far, yeah?

-Iain, it's...

SMASH GROANS

Enjoy that there.

Oh, thanks, mate.

Oh, they're cheesy flavour.

Oh, extra mature.

-Want one?

-No, I'm all right.

Well, remember, as far as the points go it's Iain's school, so it's...

Let's start this thing already! Come on!

So first up, The round that jumps about more than

a kangaroo on a pogo stick, it's Shed Loads.

I'll ask you questions that have shed loads of right answers,

you have to give me as many correct as is humanly possible.

When I feel like a change, I'll move along to the next question.

The team I think does the best can hand in their homework.

OK, we'll start with your team, Lucy. The first topic is biology.

Cats.

-Yes.

-Bats.

-Yes.

-Bunny ears, like toy bunny ears.

Correct.

Fluffy pencil case.

Very feminine.

Bees.

You are so strange.

Chris.

Ah-ha! Any more?

-Monkeys.

-For an extra point, monkey impression.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah.

Furry friends.

-Any more?

-Fur coats.

Fur coats have fur, correct.

-Mouldy bread.

-Yes!

-Good one.

I can't top that, that is good.

Let's move on. We'll go to school stuff.

-Bananas.

-You do.

-Napkins.

-OK.

Bread and butter pudding.

Yes.

-Litter.

-Correct.

Cold soup.

-Trays.

-OK.

Dinner ladies' hair in your food.

I hate when you get a hair in your food

and it's longer than you were expecting.

You feel like you're doing a magic trick.

-Next.

-Dinner ladies shoving you to the back of the line.

What did you do?

My friend was saving me a space, you go to the front and they go,

"Back of the line."

-Next.

-Magicians.

Where did you go to school? Hogwarts?

Let's move on.

-Ssh.

-Good.

-Be quiet.

-You are too good at this.

-Zip.

-Very good.

-Shut up.

-We were getting on so well.

Hup, hup, hup.

Hup. Hup.

Hup.

-Yes?

-Talk to the hand.

Because the face ain't listening.

Yeah?

Down.

Magic if you were in a lift when you did that and you went, "Down."

Wow, she's moving us, she's a magician.

Any more?

My parents used my middle name.

Susan Grace Calman!

When you were at school and you were talking to your friend

and your friend goes really quiet

and you look around and the teacher is just staring.

-Yeah.

-"Would you like to share with

"the class what you were talking about?"

Oh.

BELL RINGS

It was a good round.

I think I'm going to have to give the points to Lucy's team.

Lucy, hand in your homework.

KNOCKING

Hello, who is it?

-It's Eddie, Class 4B.

-In you come, Eddie, from class 4B.

Hello, Eddie. That's a nice costume.

-Are you in a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream?

-Afraid not.

Oh, is it a biology lesson?

-No.

-What is it then?

-I'm having camouflage lessons.

-Oh, who's teaching you?

I've no idea.

I can't find them.

-Note for you, Iain.

-Give it up for Eddie, everybody.

Got a little school announcement for everybody.

We'd like you all to know that

all the rats and cockroaches in the school kitchen have now died.

We didn't need an exterminator. They ate some of the chef's lasagne.

What do you make of that, Pudsey?

WOOF

Oh, Susan, everyone's a critic.

The room is filled with excitement because it's time

for everybody's favourite part of the show,

who do you think I am?

-Oh, no. Come on, pal.

-Feel the excitement.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be astounded, astonished and then

astounded some more as I bring historical figures back to life.

If you correctly identify who I am, you can hand in your homework.

We've got some serious props and I've got some serious acting chops.

Let's do this already.

OK.

As well as my amazing acting abilities I've got some

top-notch props as well.

You need all the help you can get.

Is that the accent?

No, mate! It's my own voice!

I just didn't know if you'd started it.

Are you Gingerman about to get on an aeroplane?

No!

Are you little orphan Annie?

Orphan Annie!

On an aeroplane.

-Drop the aeroplane thing.

-You're wearing a neck pillow.

It's not... It's a costume!

OK, here we go.

I am a very famous...

Very famous English lady.

Why are you Bulgarian, then?

I'm not Bulgarian.

-What's the last one?

-We can't hear it.

Listen to it then!

-You're a very angry English lady.

-Of course I am.

We've got no idea what you're going on about.

INAUDIBLE

SQUEAKY VOICE: My teeth were black.

Don't know why, probably...

because I ate too much sweets.

Sweets.

-The sweet queen.

-Oh, yes.

I'll take out the gum shield because

no-one understands what I'm saying. And it's affecting the acting.

Yes, that's the problem with the acting.

-Let's go.

-People say...

-Put the mouthguard back in.

..I had black teeth.

-Buck teeth?

-Black teeth.

-Black teeth!

Are you one of the Weasleys?

And instead of going on a plane you're on a broomstick.

-Drop the plane thing!

-I just did.

Broomsticks are basically uncomfortable.

I'm giving you clue number three. I know what you're thinking, team.

I wonder if she's single? Well, I am.

But I wouldn't marry you, or you, or you.

Because there's not enough room on your broomstick.

I wouldn't marry anybody, actually.

It don't matter, I've got loads of posh houses.

Sharon Osbourne!

That's not a bad guess.

-It is a bad guess!

-Thank you.

I'm a significant historical figure.

Sharon Osbourne is important.

-And she's historical.

-She's an English lady.

Who am I?

-She sounds a bit chavvy.

-Queen Elizabeth.

I'm Queen Elizabeth.

Yes, daughter of King Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn

and Queen of England for 45 years.

Lucy's team, you guys are in for a treat

because I am known as the "human chameleon".

-Is that just in your house?

-By my mother.

That's a nose bandage. I had one once

when I had a nosebleed that wouldn't stop

and they tied a nose bandage around my face.

Did you go and see a doctor or a vet?

-Right, here we go.

-Oh!

This guy is from a few places

so the accent might be a bit all over the place.

It would have been all over the place.

OK, here we go.

I am a German,

Swiss, American man

depending on when you ask me.

-Why are you Italian?

-I'm not an Italian man.

Is that Italian?

No, I have this Swiss-German thing.

What's the band thing?

It's quite clearly a moustache.

ALL: Oh!

Let's do clue number two.

I'm a bit of a smarty-pants,

so some people use my name as a compliment

if you do a clever thing.

You done a clever thing? Here's my name.

Jedward, you're Jedward!

Well done, you've done a Jedward.

OK, now, it's time for the final "caul".

Final cloud?

Final "claul".

Cloak? "Clau".

Cloud?

Final "clau".

Final "clau".

Cloud?

-It's time for the final call.

-Cloud?

I was known for having crazy hair.

This is my crazy hair.

I came up with something called the theory of relativity.

I'm also dead famous and that for doing this.

Oh, it's Miley Cyrus!

I think Lucy knows who it is.

-Who am I?

-Is it Albert Einstein?

I'm only Albert Einstein!

The Nobel prize-winning scientist was clearly handy to

have around if you were licking stamps.

So, well done, both teams got the correct answer because

I am so very talented, so both teams can hand in their homework.

Come on!

Right, before we move on, it's time to ask Smash for the scores.

Smashie, how many bits of homework have Jude's team handed in?

SMASH GRUNTS

OK, and what about Lucy's team?

Grrrr! GRRRR!

So, Jude, Your team-mates are letting you down

at the moment, so you'd better give them a talking-to,

or it's detention with Mr Smash.

-Just look at him go.

-Grrrrr!

Star jumps - impressive.

And also what to do if the school's missing tarantula

gets in your tracksuit. Anyway, enough of that.

Let's get on with the next round!

APPLAUSE

OK, time for the round where logic meets lunacy -

it's Guesstimate. And this is a round

where you could totally clean up. Let's see what you're up against.

So we've got a container full of tennis balls, a collection box,

and a vacuum cleaner for your back.

AKA, a backuum cleaner.

-LAUGHTER

-Anyway, the question is:

using the backuum cleaner, how many tennis balls can

one of your team's grown-ups get

from that red container into the green container in 30 seconds?

-Ashleigh, are you a tidy person?

-No, I get Pudsey to do it.

LAUGHTER

Normally when someone said that you'd be like, "Funny joke,"

but I reckon Pudsey can operate machinery.

-Lots of cat hair in your house, Susan.

-Lots of cat hair.

I vacuum a lot.

-I imagine you do.

-Yes, I've got all the nozzles.

You wear them as a necklace. Do you get excited by vacuuming, Cel?

I wouldn't say I get excited, but I do it when I have to.

Right, Luce, one of them loves vacuuming,

she's got all the nozzles. The other one does it when he has to.

What are you thinking?

Yeah, lower centre of gravity as well, it's an invaluable tool

when it comes to something like this.

In fact, it's something, as they say on the X Factor,

I've been waiting for... all my life.

LAUGHTER

How worryingly true that is. Good.

Right, Jude, you're looking at Ashleigh, you're looking at Chris.

Who do you reckon is best with the backuum cleaner? Ash?

-What makes you say that?

-I think she's a bit taller than Chris.

-I think...

-LAUGHTER

I'm medium height and it's difficult for people like me.

OK, to give you guys a better idea of how many you reckon you can get,

everyone up on your feet.

You've got 10 seconds to transfer the ping-pong balls from one

bowl to another using your tongs.

Your time starts now.

Just give me a feel for what you're capable of.

So, this is three people. You've got 10 seconds.

-BELL

-Oh, time's up.

Take a sit down. Luce, how many ping-pong balls did you get in?

-11.

-11.

11 in 10 seconds, and there's three of you.

-Jude, how many did you guys get?

-13.

-13 in 10 seconds.

So, using all the information available to you, write down

in your answers book how many balls you reckon you could

get into the second container in 30 seconds.

The team that guesstimates the highest will take on the challenge.

And if you hit your target you can hand in your homework. All set?

We'll reveal your guesstimates now.

ALL EXCLAIM

Lucy's gone for 12!

Which means it is my absolute delight to say, Susan Calman,

please make your way to the backuum cleaner.

So, Susan Calman, you've got a shirt on and that.

You look like the Ghostbusters' accountant.

LAUGHTER

Just a reminder for the people at home,

please do not stick a vacuum cleaner on your back.

And why would you do that?

OK, Susan, you have to get 12 in 30 seconds. Your time starts now. Go!

ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

They are moving fast!

Use that law degree, Susan! Use that law degree!

Come on, Susan!

BELL

Time's up!

Time's up!

Turn off the backuum cleaner.

LAUGHTER

So, Susan, your target was 12. You scored 9.

Which means you failed to meet your target, so please go back

to your team, whilst, Jude, your team can hand in their homework.

Give it up!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, it's time for What Happened Was - the round

where we ask our teams to cobble together an incredible

excuse for not handing in their homework.

And to get things started,

let's grab some words from our wonderful studio audience.

CHEERING

# I'm getting some words from the studio audience! #

Surprise mum attack!

-Agh! Verruca.

-Verruca?

I'm not getting in a pool with you, young lady! What's your name?

-Sophie.

-And what's your word, Sophie?

-Jumper.

-Jumper. Oooh!

-What's your name, mate?

-Robert.

-And what's your word, Robert?

-Experiment.

-Oh, that's a good one! What's your name?

-Marcia.

-What's your word, Marcia?

-Doughnut.

You're a doughnut!

So, Lucy's team, your words are...

While you're digging up an excuse we'll get some more words for Jude.

-What's your name, mate?

-Keir.

-And what's your word?

-Smelly socks.

Smelly socks!

Let's get some more... Come on! Come on!

-There we go. What's your name?

-Olivia.

-What's your word, Olivia?

-Caterpillar.

-Caterpillar!

Well done, thank you very much. OK, get some quick ones now.

-What's your word, my man?

-Rrrrhinos!

-Rrrrhinos!

Controversial, but for the first time, I'm going

to put my own word in. Here I'm going to stick in Mr Smash.

Grrrrr!

OK, so, Jude, your words are...

So let's get fibbing. Let's go!

-So, Lucy.

-Iain, can I stop you? This is actually quite serious.

Lucy is in a fragile state because of something that happened to her.

Just give me the homework.

Well, I didn't do my homework because I read online that

if you put your foot in a jumper,

and rub your verruca with a doughnut, as an experiment,

it might go away.

And it completely did the opposite and spread all over my hands

and all down my arms and up my neck, everywhere.

And I was off school for several months because it's contagious.

-But you gave me that doughnut.

-LAUGHTER

That's disgusting, but entirely believable, Lucy.

But I'm going to go and speak to Jude.

So, Jude, homework, hand it in.

-Well, you see, I don't have mine either.

-You don't?

-I do have a good excuse.

-Good.

-I was in PE with Mr Smash, right?

But outside the window I saw a caterpillar with a

smelly sock on the end of its heel.

But then, when I looked a bit further into the distance,

I saw a rhino charging towards the caterpillar.

I would have noticed the rhino first!

LAUGHTER

But then because the caterpillar was so unique,

with its smelly sock on, I ran out...

-In imminent danger of the rhino.

-Yeah.

So I ran out to save the caterpillar,

and I did and I put it on the grass. But I forgot about the rhino.

Famously, rhinos are not allowed on grass.

-And the rhino charged into me.

-Good answer!

Well, they are both very believable, but which one is the best?

One way to find out is using our wonderful studio audience.

If you're a fan of Lucy's verrucas, cheer now.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Or if you thought Jude's rhino deserves a clap, cheer now.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It was close, but I think I'm going to have to give it,

marginally, to Jude's team. Well done, Jude! Hand in your homework!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Here we go, it's the sprint to the finish. Yes, it's Mental Maths.

Each correct answer is one piece of homework in the bank.

But the other team will be trying to distract you by any means necessary.

Cel, you're going first, so please make your way to the Sum Seat!

-Take a seat, young man. How are your numeracy skills?

-Average.

-Average?

-Yeah, not great, not bad.

Yeah, I know what average means, thank you. OK.

Jude's team, are you ready to distract?

You can use any means necessary,

and by "any means", the stuff that's on that trolley.

OK, your time starts in three, two, one, go!

HOOTER

40.

ALL YELL

12.

Bananas are so good for you!

One!

LOUD YELLING

36.

190.

Zero.

Come on, Cel!

74.

Put your wig back on!

BELL

108!

Thank you, thank you.

Guys, take a seat by your tables. Chris, you look lovely.

-Thanks, mate.

-On your way now, pal.

Five years in drama school!

-What's your character at the minute?

-This is a hoarder.

-LAUGHTER

-This is just some of his collection.

Cel, well done, mate. Please take a seat back by your team.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, Chris, it is time for you to make your way to the Sum Seat!

-Put on your safety goggles.

-OK.

Lovely.

Lucy's team, you can distract Chris by any means necessary.

All right, Chris, your time starts when I say so.

And your time stars in three, two, one, I say so!

HOOTER

LUCY'S TEAM YELLS

17!

Look at the horsey!

Aaagh! Next one.

YELLING AND WHOOPING

4?

24.

74.

Chris, will you marry me? Will you marry me?

BELL

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Time's up.

Chris, well done, mate. Go back to your seat. On you go!

Well, those points made all the difference,

but as far as the scores go, I'm at sixes and sevens,

so I'm going to go back to my desk and see who scored top marks.

APPLAUSE

OK!

So, who is walking out with their heads held high and who is

walking straight into detention for some quality time with Mr Smash?

GRRRR!

LAUGHTER

You should see how he flosses!

Anyway, here we go.

Let's find out which team are swotty and which team are...

ALL: Naughty!

AUDIENCE: Oooooooh...

The winners are...

Lucy's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done, Lucy's team.

Sadly, Jude's team, you have to make your way to detention.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

On you go.

Grrrr! Grrrrr!

And today, you guys will be scraping old chewing gum off the desks.

Remember, grey is chewing gum, red is bubble gum and green is...

Well, best not to think about it.

OK, please give it up for Jude, Chris and Ashleigh in detention!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And our winners this week, Lucy, Susan and Cel!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you all for watching and remember,

we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

-See you all next time on...

-ALL: The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya.