Episode 10 The Dog Ate My Homework

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

CBBC's best excuse for a panel show.

I'm Iain Stirling, and I'm here to raise smiles as well as standards.

So, warm up your chuckle muscles. Here's today's announcements.

The school library has been told it's trying to hard to save

money after it revealed its new set of bookends.

LAUGHTER

Dirty plates in the school canteen show that broccoli

is as popular as ever.

LAUGHTER

And in PSE, year six have been learning how to

ensure their deodorant dries properly.

LAUGHTER

Let's take the register

and find out who wants to be top of the class today.

-On my left, we have Jamie.

-Hello.

-Thanks for coming.

We are joined by grumpy-chopped comedian Romesh Ranganathan.

Here, sir.

-And the very funny Vic Cook.

-Here, Iain.

-Thank you.

Mash them together and you get Jamvicesh.

LAUGHTER

On my right, we have Roma, who is joined by funster Bec Hill,

-and TV joker Joel Dommett.

-Here.

-Squeeze them together and you get Rojobec.

-Wow.

That is an appalling face.

That looks like one of the boys from Westlife.

Joel, I think you suit a ribbon in your hair.

-Where did you get that?

-I made it myself, I knitted it.

-It's beautiful, right?

-It makes you look even more handsome,

if that's even possible, because you're amazing looking!

-Stop it, Iain.

-Who in the audience thinks Joel is a bit of a hottie?

Thanks, guys.

-Thanks. See you later. I'm off!

-Absolutely nobody.

You don't look as bad as this monstrosity.

Vic, do you have a beard normally?

Yeah, I had a shave for today.

She had to come in early this morning so that they could...

OK, so, please, everyone, give it up for today's teams!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, enough faffing, let's talk you guys through this thing.

Win a round and you get to hand in some of this homework.

Whoever hands in the most homework overall walks away with the show.

The team that hands in the least, however, will be

getting detention at the hands of our PE teacher,

a man whose identical twin brother is a monster truck.

It is Mr Smash.

Ra-a-a-a-ar!

-Mate, there's a little parcel for you under the desk.

-Huh?!

Yes, a little parcel for you. There you go.

Careful not to stretch it, Smashy.

There you go.

It's a bit long in the arms, but you could maybe put it in a hot wash,

couldn't you?

Ra-a-a-aar!

That's a bit uncalled for.

LAUGHTER

JAUNTY MUSIC

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's the best thing I've ever seen.

Remember, as far as points go, it's Iain's school, so it's...

ALL: Iain's rules!

Let's do it.

Body language is what this next round is all about.

I will ask you simple questions and all you have to do is spell

out the three letter answers with your bodies.

So, Roma's team, you guys are up first.

Please make your way to the front.

-Stretch it out, guys, stretch it out.

-Joel does a bit of yoga, don't you?

I've been known to do it.

Is there anything embarrassing about doing yoga?

Every now and then someone lets out a little parp. It's not nice.

-What's the worst move for the parpage?

-Isn't that that one?

-Oh, he's dropped one.

-Oh, I can smell it from here.

OK, guys, your time starts now.

-What animal says woof?

-AUDIENCE:

-Dog!

We need to address whether we're doing capitals or lower case.

-Just make a D!

-I'm making a D, I'm making a D.

-OK.

Instead of buttons, your school jacket might have this.

-AUDIENCE:

-Zip!

-No, the other way!

-There we go.

-Great. If you jump in the school pool, you might get...

-Wet!

Other way, the other way!

-What is that?!

-It's a W!

-OK.

-A wise bird that makes a hooting sound?

-Owl.

Did I get it the wrong way round?

That a renegade L, Bec.

-Something a builder drives.

-Van!

Wait, I'm going back.

-Another word for a toilet.

-Loo!

-Wait, no, it's this way.

-No, it isn't!

-BELL RINGS

There you go.

OK, Jamie's team, out you come.

-You guys ready?

-Sort of, yeah.

-OK, here you go. Your time starts now.

-You get these on your face when you are a teenager.

-Zit!

-How do you do...?

-Yes, you see! Not as easy as you thought, Romesh!

-Teachers drink out of this in the staff room.

-Mug!

-Romesh is one of these.

-Oi!

-That's a T! You're a tug.

-You can't drink from a tug.

-Hang on, I'll do that.

-Yes.

-A teacher might do this with their finger when you misbehave.

-Wag!

-See? My W was incredible.

-What is that, Vic?

-This is G.

-You look like you're trying to mime wagging.

-OK. Next one.

-You hit a golf ball off one of these.

-Tee!

Do Es immediately!

Romesh gets angrier as this goes on.

-Another word for taxi.

-Cab.

What are you doing?

You're making Joel look good right now!

-The opposite of bottom.

-Top.

-BELL RINGS

-Time is up.

Head back to your seats, please.

APPLAUSE

OK. Well, Jamie's team, you spelt the most words correctly,

so you, Jamie, can hand in your homework.

Come on.

APPLAUSE

-Next up is the round where we...

-KNOCKING

Hello, who is it?

-It's Eve from class 4B.

-In you come, Eve from class 4B.

-Eve, have you joined the school orchestra?

-Nope.

-You've taken up the cello.

-No. But I have taken up the triangle.

Then what's with the cello case?

With this, I get a double seat on the bus.

Note for you, Iain.

-Thanks very much, Eve. Give it up for Eve, everybody.

-Bye!

APPLAUSE

A school note here for everyone.

"A big congratulations to Ms Truman from English on gaining

"her black belt.

"Apparently, it goes really well with her shoes and bag."

LAUGHTER

Awesomeness alert! Yes, it's time for Who Do You Think I Am?

Oh, no, not this one.

Yes, this round brings our teams to their knees

in appreciation.

-I thought it was torture.

-It's not torture, mate. It's art.

Let's open the box and reveal the treasures inside. Come on!

APPLAUSE

It's time for the first character, and it's going to go to Roma's team.

-Rubbish presenter!

-We're not guessing yet, mate.

-Sorry.

Less of the attitude.

-Rubbish presenter with wings.

-Shut up!

We haven't started. You can be quiet!

LAUGHTER

Rubbish presenter with a weird golf hat that my grandad wears.

-All right, I'm Jamie's grandad.

-Why have you got so many things on?

-Are you a fly?

-Shut up!

-Are you McFly?

-No!

-Are you Marty McFly?

-Stop saying fly!

-ALL: Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly!

Stop saying fly all the time!

You're all making a fool of yourselves,

let me get into character. Here we go. First clue.

-HIGH PITCHED:

-I am an American lady.

You sound like Mrs Doubtfire. Mrs Doubtfly!

No! And you can stop laughing as well!

LAUGHTER

OK. Next clue.

-HIGH PITCHED:

-I'm famous for crossing the pond,

and my surname is kind of like two parts of the body. Who am I?

-Amy Facebottom.

-No!

I'm a famous person. Who's heard of Amy Facebottom?!

Debra Elbowbottom.

-Stop saying bottom!

-Does it have bottom in it?

-No!

Third clue, here we go.

-HIGH PITCHED:

-You can see me in Night At The Museum II.

I'm also known as the Queen of the Air. Who am I?

-Tinkerbell!

-No!

I can't remember her first name. Was it Amelia Earhart?

I am Amelia Earhart.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

The American aviator and first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.

Jamie's team, are you ready for character number two?

To be honest, we had a chat,

we're not that bothered about doing it.

-Like, do you want to just knock it on the head?

-OK, buddy.

-It's time for your character.

-So, we are actually doing it.

-We have no choice.

-Of course.

-Can I take a guess?

-I think you're a presenter out of ideas.

-OK.

I am an English man that writes a lot.

-Whats a lot?

-Writes a lot.

Who's your drama teacher, Super Mario?

-Are you a dog that's had an operation?

-What is that?

It's a ruff.

-It is so rough, mate, I can't tell you how rough it is.

-Next clue.

-Iain, I didn't know you were bringing your girlfriend!

-Ohh!

-Iain, can I have your head?

-Why?

-I just want to try something.

That's pretty creepy.

APPLAUSE

OK. Let's stop messing about.

I'll do a bit of acting.

"Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio.

"But not as well as my bottom.

"My bottom is super famous."

LAUGHTER

-Beyonce.

-No!

Clue number three. This is a globe.

Globe is a great name for a theatre.

Are you going on holiday to the beach?

A man in casualty who's got amnesia.

Can you tell me who I might be?

-I cannot remember.

-No!

-Lady Gaga!

-No, Lady Gaga?!

-I think I know.

-Who am I, Romesh?

-I'm thinking William Shakespeare.

You are correct!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I was William Shakespeare, the playwright,

poet and all-round wizard of words.

Well, both teams managed to get the correct answer, thanks

to my phenomenal acting, and you can both hand in your homework!

APPLAUSE

OK, I'm calling half-time. Let's go over to Smash for the scores.

You all right? I'm not quite sure how that happened.

Someone is not happy, but I'm nothing if not flexible.

How's Jamie's team doing, fella?

And what about Roma's team?

Right, well, Jamie's team, you're ahead at the moment.

So, Roma's team, jump to it, or it's detention with Mr Smash.

Ra-a-a-ar!

Slightly less scary in that environment.

Anyway, let's get on with the next round.

OK, it's time for Guesstimate, and today's game is going to be

poptastic, quite literally, because here is what you're up against.

As you can see, there are 100 balloons on our balloon board,

and here I've got a balloon-bursting helmet, complete with a jaggy bit.

Oh, it's sharp.

The question is, using this helmet, how many of those balloons do

you think one of your team's grown-ups can burst in 30 seconds?

Little Jamie, out of Vic and Rom,

who do you think is best at bursting balloons?

-Well, I can't take Romesh, because he's too scared.

-Thank you, Jamie.

So I'm going to put Vic up to the challenge.

Roma, who do you think's got the best head-butting ability?

Well, Joel has been training to burst balloons in the Olympics.

You were gutted last year

when you eventually found out that wasn't actually an Olympic sport.

My mum was like, "Ha! The joke's on you.

"It's not really an Olympic sport!"

Well, before you make a definite decision, either of you,

we're going to put ten seconds on the clock

so you can get a feel for your general head technique.

Your time will start now. Really work those necks, guys.

Jamie, that's a nice technique you've got there.

Don't mess up your hair though.

Roma is going more from the knees which is interesting. There you go.

BELL RINGS

Not easy, head-butting for ten seconds.

-Roma, did that help in any way whatsoever?

-No.

OK, so write the answers in your answer book and remember,

the team that guesstimates the highest

gets to take on the challenge.

OK. Smashy? How many do you reckon you could get?

Ra-a-a-a-ar!

He thinks that balloons are innocent creatures and shouldn't be harmed.

OK, one, two, three, reveal your answers.

Jamie's gone with 28.

That's a very reasonable number, an achievable number.

-Roma went with 67.

-Roma believes in me more than my mother ever could.

OK, well, Joel, get your helmet

and make your way to the balloon bursting area.

-Joel, you're looking SHARP.

-You NAILED it, mate.

-Oh, hello!

-There we go.

OK, 30 seconds on the clock, please. Your time starts now! Go!

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

Oh, he's smashing it!

Get them all, get them all!

Look at this.

Up high, up high!

BELL RINGS

Time's up, time's up, time is up.

-I found my talent, I'm so excited.

-If only it was an Olympic sport.

Congratulations, mate, you managed to score - we can't count the ones

you popped after the bell went - you got 94 balloons, mate.

Unbelievable.

Bask in your glory while Roma hands in the homework. All right!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Before we move on, I would just like to quickly congratulate

everyone on a brilliant performance so far. Except you, Romesh.

What are you talking about?

Letting your side down with your terrible attitude.

Mate, I'm making the show.

And because of the attitude, I'm going to give you some lines.

I can't believe this. You're out of order, mate. You're out of line.

Well, you're writing lines, so get over it.

And while you're doing that,

I'm just going to blow my trumpet. Here we go.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Oh, wrong end. Sorry, wrong end.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Oh, up-side down!

WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE FANFARE

I'm a fast learner. OK. What have you got for us?

Iain Stirling's acting is toe curling

and he smells like a badger.

Do they both smell the same?

-I think this one is badgery.

-Go on. Oh!

-Shut up!

-Deodorise both sides, buddy. Little tip for you.

-I always forget that.

Right, let's get on with the next round.

APPLAUSE

Right, it's time for Wot Happened Woz,

the round where both of our teams have to dream up a knockout excuse

for not handing in their homework.

And, to make sure our teams are thinking on their feet,

we're going to collect some words from the guys out there.

Let's do it!

Oh, sorry.

I took out a cameraman. We're excited to get some words.

There you go.

-What's your name?

-Hayley.

-And what's your word, Hayley?

-Cheesecake.

Cheesecake! Sorry, my bum's been in your face the whole time.

Sorry about that. OK. Surprise teacher attack. What's your name?

-Karen.

-Karen. What's your word, Karen?

-Microwave.

-OK.

-Who else have we got? Anyone got a word? What's your name?

-Calum.

-What's your name?

-Goldfish.

-What's your word?

-Goldfish.

Sorry, I've got a memory like a goldfish!

-One more. What have you got?

-Narwhals.

-That's great, narwhals.

OK, so, Roma's team, your words are cheesecake, microwave, goldfish,

and narwhals. Any more?

-What's your word, what's your word?

-Spaceship.

Spaceship, that's a good word. Let's get another. What's your word?

-Dinner.

-Dinner. OK. Let's move on. Surprise adult attack.

-Trampoline.

-What's your word?

-Potato.

-Potato. OK.

Jamie's team, your words are

trampoline, spaceship, dinner

and potato.

Now that you've all got your words, let's do this. Come on!

Roma, Roma, Roma. You know the rules. It's homework time.

Just hand in your homework and we can get on with our lives, can't we?

-I don't have it.

-What happened?

Well, I have a pet goldfish

-and he fell in love with this narwhal that he met.

-Lovely.

But then my goldfish, because narwhals are like unicorns,

-they have the same horn.

-Oh, that's what a narwhal is.

And my goldfish was killed by a narwhal

because the spear from the narwhal...

-They went in for the kiss and the goldfish was impaled.

-Awful.

Steve Backshall would get involved.

We were having the wake for my dead goldfish.

OK.

And some idiot who wanted to ruin my goldfish's wake

put cheesecake in the microwave and the microwave blew up.

You can't put food in a microwave, can you?

Not cheesecake, it's flammable.

And we had to buy a new microwave and I had a dead fish

and I just couldn't do my homework, and it's so hard.

That's absolutely fine. You don't have to worry, anyway,

because Jamie is going to hand in his homework, and all is well.

-MAN:

-School disco!

-School disco!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

So, Jamie, if you could just hand in your homework,

-that would be brilliant.

-I don't really have my homework.

What do you mean you don't have it?

What happened was, I opened my front door to go to school.

I mean, you've got to. You wouldn't get out of the house without that.

-And I saw a spaceship circling my house.

-Wow.

So I stepped out of my house

and I didn't realise there was a massive trampoline beneath my feet.

And I went...

Boing-shhh!

Right up and actually went inside the spaceship somehow.

What would that look like, Romesh?

"Oh, I'm in a spaceship, what has happened?

"This is a confusing turn of events."

And the aliens were having dinner.

They are always eating, aliens.

They were cooking jacket potatoes

and they said the only topping they like is school homework.

-So I had to give them my precious homework.

-So precious.

And they ate it.

So the aliens ate your homework.

Yes, they sound a bit like this when they're eating.

-Ah-gobbel-di-gook, ah-gobbel-di-gook.

-Weird.

Well, I like both of those excuses, they are both obviously real.

Let's see what our audience think.

If you are a fan of Roma's goldfish,

can I get a cheer now, please?

Or, if you prefer a good old "the alien ate it", cheer for Jamie.

That is very close, but I think I'm going to give it to Jamie's team.

Jamie, hand in your homework!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, the finish line's in sight,

so it's time to play All Kinds Of Wrong.

I'll be throwing all sorts of questions at you,

and when you get caught in the spotlight,

I want you to give me the first wrong answer that springs to mind.

Every wrong answer is another piece of homework in the bank.

Jamie's team, you're first up, so please make your way

to the Wrong Ray!

OK, let's get things wrong in three, two, one, here we go.

-You are the weakest link?

-I love you.

-You wear shoes on your...?

-Head.

If you are cross, you wake up on the wrong side of the...?

Crisps.

Jack and Jill went up the...?

Great, large, crater.

Correct. Scooby Dooby...

Wahey!

That is a Geordie Scooby-Doo.

The cat sat on the...?

Large pillow, and it was uncomfortable,

I tell you.

You put gloves on when...?

You want to dance.

Fred Flintstone said yabbadabba...?

Please think very carefully before you go any further.

In woodwork, you bash in nails using a...?

BELL RINGS

Oh, time up.

APPLAUSE

Well done, team. Please take a seat.

-Are you ready, Joel?

-No, I'm not ready.

Correct.

Your time starts now.

Famous TV presenters are called Ant and...?

# La-la-la-la... #

Correct. Indiana Jones and the Temple of...?

Bananas.

Correct. The ukelele looks like a tiny little...?

-Hammer.

-It does.

You shouldn't look a gift horse in the...?

Nose.

Hobbits feet are covered in...?

-Eyes.

-Correct. Why did the chicken cross the road?

To go to his job.

Pride And Prejudice is a book by...?

-Me.

-Correct.

The light bulb was invented by...?

A fly.

Mercury is the planet nearest to the...?

BELL RINGS

Time's up.

I have not got a clue where that leaves us, so you three

make your way back to the desks and let's find out who scored top marks.

So, it's time to find out which team has risen to the surface

and which team has sunk into detention with Mr Smash.

Ra-a-a-a-ar!

Mr Smash has made something lovely in woodwork. What a treat.

Anyway, here we go.

Let's see which team are swotty and which team are...

-ALL:

-Naughty!

The winners are Jamie's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jamie's team won.

Unfortunately, Roma's team,

that means you have to take the walk of shame.

Over you go. Walk of shame.

On you go. Get in the stocks.

He spent hours in woodwork making these.

Please give it up for our team in detention.

Give it up for Roma, Bec and Joel!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Give it up for our star pupils, Jamie, Romesh and Vic!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you all for watching, and remember,

we didn't learn much but it was fun.

See you next time on...

ALL: The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!