Episode 1 The Dog Ate My Homework

BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CONGA MUSIC

Oi! Oi! Get out!

Get out of it! Scarper!

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the show!

My name's Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a panel show all about school.

Now, it's school, everyone knows what they're there to do

and everyone knows what the rules are.

That's until you go to school out of school hours.

Parents evening, a charity function, or even a school disco.

We've all found ourself in school when we shouldn't be there.

Now, at parents evening for me,

you'd always find me hidden in the toilets, right,

cos my dad's just found out

why I didn't book an appointment with the English teacher.

If you thought school was scary, wait till you see your dad running

after you down a corridor, going,

"What's this, Iain, I've heard about you writing a poem about bums?"

But, weirdly, as well as the fear, when you're in school when you're

not meant to be, there's a weird, sort of naughty voice

in the back of your head. That little voice that thinks

you can get away with anything.

You find yourself running down the corridor,

pretending you're a Formula 1 car. Like that.

SPEEDING CARS

I mean, you wouldn't have your own sound effects,

but you get the idea, you know.

You find yourself sneaking into the English room,

finding a whiteboard and just writing a poem about bums.

Let's get this thing started. Can I have the school bell, please?

DING-DONG

School bell, not doorbell.

KLAXON

Yeah, I'm going to have to get that fixed. Let's meet the teams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On my left, we have a team that's full of it. Full of Grace, that is.

-It's Grace!

-Here, sir.

And on Grace's team, we have someone whose teacher told him

one day he'd be a TV star.

Mate, it could still happen. It's Joe Swash!

Yes, sir.

And taking the team up to three is an ex-Maths teacher.

He's one in a million, or 0.000001%. It's Romesh Ranganathan.

-Here, sir.

-Give it up for Grace's team, everybody!

And over here is the other team, led by a boy who's

so cool for school, his nickname's The Fridge.

-It's Callum.

-Here, sir.

And joining Callum's team

is one of the most famous double acts on Britain's Got Talent.

It's Ant and Dec! Only joking, it's Ashleigh and Pudsey.

And, completing Callum's team, you may have seen him on The One Show -

I just hope he doesn't think this is The Number Two Show.

-It's Alex Riley.

-Hello.

Let's please hear it for today's teams!

Now, if your team wins a game, then you get a nice, big gold star.

-AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-If you lose - nothing, nada, blank, zero.

But I do give you a bonus star if I like the cut of your jib.

-AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-And I can whisk them away again if you displease me.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

So, be nice and remember, it's Iain's school, so it's...?

-AUDIENCE: Iain's rules!

-Look at me, drooling with power.

At the end of the show, the team with the most gold stars get

to hand in their homework but the losers will meet a horrible fate.

Their homework will be gobbled up by the Dog Ate My Homework dog

and they'll also face detention with our ferocious PE teacher,

a man so massive you can see him from space - it's Mr Smash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE MOUTHS, SILENTLY

RARRR!

RARRR! RARRR! RARRR!

VOLUME DIPS

HE MOUTHS, SILENTLY

Ashleigh, could you get Pudsey to go and check if he's OK,

-if that's all right?

-Go on, Puds.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. We've met the crew, so let's get on with the show!

This is Stick To The Point.

ANNOUNCER: Stick To The Point.

Here goes. I'm going to ask you a number of questions.

If you are too slow or you repeat yourselves,

you go into the Shush Position. Our first question is sandwich fillings.

-Ashleigh!

-Lettuce!

-Yes. Romesh!

-P-pickle?

-A p-pickle?

It's actually a pickle remix that I've come up with myself, actually.

P-p-pickle!

-LAUGHTER

-Alex!

-Pilchards!

Ooh. Joe!

-A bit of mustard!

-Yeah. Ashleigh.

-Butter.

-A butter sandwich?!

Well, yeah, because some people just have butter

-and then they put crisps in it. I personally don't like it.

-Romesh!

-Piccalilli.

-LAUGHTER

-Callum!

-Bread!

-You need bread for sandwiches!

-A bread sandwich?!

-Grace.

-Tomato.

-Callum.

-Shush Position, young man! Ashleigh!

-Sugar.

-LAUGHTER

-Look! People have it.

You're thinking about cake, young lady. Get in the Shush Position.

-Get in the Shush Position.

-People have sugar...!

-Minus...

-You are on minus one gold star.

-So not fair.

-Alex!

-Potted meat!

What?!

-LAUGHTER

-Potted meat!

-Romesh!

-Tuna.

-Alex!

-Peanut butter.

-Joe!

Bit of lettuce.

-We've had lettuce, get in the Shush Position.

-Oh, what?

-Alex!

-Lemon curd.

-Grace!

-Cucumber.

-Alex!

-Honey.

-Grace!

-Sweetcorn.

-Alex.

-Jam.

-Romesh.

-Honey.

We've had a repetition of honey - Shush Position.

This game's a joke. I just want to say that.

You're not very good at the Shush Position, are you mate?

LAUGHTER

-Alex!

-Chicken.

-Grace!

-Nutella!

Alex!

-Shush Position!

-Oh!

-Grace's team win that round!

-APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER: School Disco!

School Disco!

MUSIC: Skip To The Good Bit by Rizzle Kicks

MUSIC STOPS

Right, let's go on to the next one. Fairytale characters.

-Callum.

-Cinderella.

-Romesh.

-Piccalilli?

LAUGHTER

It's, uh, Princess Piccalilli, it's an ancient...

-ASHLEIGH:

-He can't have that one.

..fairytale of this sort of lily-looking princess

and what happened was she went to this ball

and the prince didn't know which one to go for

and then somebody said, "I think,

"if you were going to choose one princess, you should pick a lily.

LAUGHTER

And that was Piccalilli. And that's how

the story of Piccalilli come about.

APPLAUSE

I'm not going to shush you this time,

but you're one piccalilli off of picking a shushing! Callum!

-Hansel and Gretel.

-Oh! And there they are there, apparently!

Joe!

The giant from Giant...Jack And The Beanstalk.

Oh, the giant from The Giant, Jack And The Beanstalk(?)

LAUGHTER

-Ashleigh!

-Rapunzel.

-Joe!

-Snow White!

-Joe!

-Cinderella! Oh, no!

Get in the Shush Position, young man.

You can't come back to me four times in a row!

-JOE!

-Awww.

-Callum!

-Iain, because he's so beautiful... Um...

LAUGHTER

Callum went for a compliment and then had nothing.

"Iain, because he's, um..."

The only people that are more beautiful than you are in fairytales.

-Oh, Callum, you can have a gold star for that.

-Are you serious?!

You're going to give a gold star for that bum-kissing?!

You've said nothing but "piccalilli" since you got here!

"Iain, because he's the most beautiful."

-MIMICS IAIN:

-"Oh, gold star for you." He hasn't answered the question!

-You're not a fairytale character!

-Romesh!

Er, Grumpy.

LAUGHTER

-And he's here tonight!

-That's true!

-Alex!

-The Pied Piper of Hamlyn.

-Ooh!

-Grace!

-Elsa.

-Frozen.

-Ashleigh!

-The rats from Pied Piper.

-Ooh!

-You can't pick rats!

They are a character in a fairytale.

They never talk, they just follow him!

-You can't do that and still speak!

-Sorry!

-Romesh.

-Dopey.

LAUGHTER

And he's here tonight. Callum.

Mr Smash's wife, because actually,

Mr Smash's wife is the alter ego for Cinderella's Fairy Godmother.

I'm going to have to put you in the Shush Position.

-That's not a fairytale character. Romesh.

-Oh, Bashful.

I can see a real theme.

-I think there's about four more left.

-Alex!

Christian, the bloke from Frozen.

Who?! That's not his name! His name's Kristoff!

-ALEX:

-It is, his name's Christian.

-His name's Kristoff! Get in the Shush Position!

-Hang on.

-Shush Position.

-That's what I meant.

-Shush Position!

-Grace!

-Sven.

-Ashleigh!

-Snow White.

-I said Snow White!

You did not say Snow White.

Guys, Snow White has been said. Ashleigh's out.

The points go to Grace's team.

That means, at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to... Grace's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Prepare to be astounded as you identify Who Do You Think I Am? OK.

Callum. You're up first, mate. Just going to get my prop on.

-Yep.

-This is the serious bit, so no laughter.

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-minny-hoo-la-la-la.

Aieeee.

-HIGH-PITCHED ENGLISH ACCENT:

-I'm an English lady.

Who wrote many books.

-Are you doing it now?

-Yes!

-Sorry, sorry.

The idea of my most successful book

came to me in a terrifying nightmare.

The story I wrote probably gave many people nightmares

but made me really famous, so I sleep well at night now. Who am I?

-Gangsta Granny!

-Gangsta Granny.

"Ya get me, bruv?"

It's time for clue number two. OK. Here we go.

Get it back together. Ha-minny-hooo.

In 1814, I fell in love with a man named Percy. He's not a pig.

We ran away together and travelled through Europe,

hashtag YOLO.

Saying that, my main creature

was most memorable from coming back from the dead,

so it's really hashtag YOLT - you only live twice.

Who am I?

WHO AM I?

Right, final clue. Clue number three. Here we go.

Even today, people still dress up as the figure I created,

especially at Halloween, as he is particularly spooky-looking.

-Who am I? Who am I?

-Well, Alex is the only person that has an idea.

-Alex, who am I?

-Mary Shelley.

I'm Mary Shelley!

APPLAUSE

Yes, creator of Frankenstein and his Monster.

OK, Grace's team.

It's time for clue number one. Here we go, OK.

Just get into character.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-I'm an English man.

LAUGHTER

I joined the navy when I was 13. Whilst all the other teenagers

were being stinky and gross, I was being all brave and that. Who am I?

-That's the worst London accent I've ever heard.

-I've heard worse, Joe.

-The point is...

-LAUGHTER

Just get my next prop on.

There we go. OK. Just...

I became an explorer. I loved exploring, me!

In 1910... Oh!

LAUGHTER

Don't laugh at me falling over!

In 1910, I set off to be the first person to reach the South...

the Saaarf Pole!

LAUGHTER

Can't tell whether my knees are knocking

from all the excitement of the exploring

or whether I'm just really cold!

-Who am I?

-Why'd you have to do that?

-Cos that's how they speak!

-That's not what London people do.

They don't walk around in London,

"All right, mate, oh, yeah, sorry I smacked you in the face

"cos I can't stop doing this all the time, do you know what I mean?"

-Who am I?

-Captain Scott of the Antarctic?

I'm only...

Captain Scott of the Antarctic!

APPLAUSE

Or to my friends,

Robert Falcon Scott,

for an adventurer of the 20th century. And, at the end of that,

because of my phenomenal acting, you both got the correct answer.

So, you both get a gold star. Well done, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, it is time for a round where you really do need to show

your workings out. Yep, it's time to take a dip in The Maths Bath.

The Maths Bath!

Every school has got a maths bath, guys.

I want you to solve the sum using the props in the tub.

Grace's team, you're up first.

-Please make your way to The Maths Bath!

-The Maths Bath!

Come on, guys.

Here we go.

Grace wants to be a footballer, so has a football.

Joe wants to be a juggler, so has three times as many footballs

as Grace.

Romesh wants to be centre of attention, at all times,

and has one more football than Joe and tries to juggle them.

As a result, Romesh loses two footballs.

Grace takes some bad career advice and becomes a duck farmer,

instead of a footballer, so buys six rubber ducks.

Joe takes some terrible career advice and decides to become

a duck juggler. Joe buys half as many rubber ducks as Grace.

-Romesh has the worst career advice of all...

-Slow down!

..and becomes a thief. He steals two ducks

from each of Grace and Joe. Feeling guilty,

he decides to give the ducks to the poor,

but Romesh considers himself to be poor,

-so keeps the ducks for himself.

-What?!

What are you talking about?!

Grace is a terrible duck farmer

and buys bananas to feed her ducks.

They get a banana each. One banana for each duck.

Joe is now toying with the idea

of opening a school to teach monkeys to juggle.

He has two monkeys,

but needs three bananas.

-Romesh now wants to be a chef.

-Can you slow down?

He steals one banana from Joe and one banana from Grace,

to make into a delicious banana soup.

All three of them dance for joy. They all love banana soup

and they keep dancing for the rest of the game.

-After all the theft...

-How is this maths?

-It's maths!

After all the theft, Grace wants to stand guard over her ducks.

She disguises herself as a chicken, by getting a massive foam hand

and putting it on the top of her head.

Joe thinks it will be easier for the monkeys to juggle if they have

massive foam hands.

He takes a pair and wears them, to demonstrate how it's done

to the monkeys.

Romesh wants to set the record for giving the world's

biggest high-five.

He puts on a massive foam hand and waits for something to celebrate.

Grace wonders what it would feel like to be a giant chicken.

She buys two gnomes and pretends that they are six-foot tall.

SMASH!

LAUGHTER

-Joe buys one more gnome than Grace.

-I can't pick up!

-Romesh finds

garden gnomes...

SMASH!

Pick up the gnomes!

Romesh gets a feather boa and wears it like a blindfold.

Get it on like a blindfold.

SMASH!

LAUGHTER

END-OF-ROUND BELL

All right, guys, it's time to check your maths.

I'm a vegan. These feathers are unacceptable, right?

I think I swallowed one.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, here we go.

Grace, you should have one football.

-SMASH!

-No, not another gnome!

-Grace, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-You dropped the other gnome!

-I'm sorry.

Romesh, you should have two footballs.

-What?!

-One.

-Joe, you should have three footballs.

-Yeah, I got three.

-Ooh!

-Joe, you should have one duck.

-You're going to drop the gnome.

-One duck? Here it is.

-Grace and Romesh, you should have

four ducks each.

-I have a gnome!

-Four ducks?

-Yeah!

-Is that four ducks? Well done!

Romesh should have two bananas.

Two bananas!

CHEERING

Grace, you should have three bananas.

-Oh.

-Joe you should have two yellow bananas.

-They are in me pocket!

-Yeah!

Grace and Romesh, you should have one foam hand each.

Find you foam hand. There you go.

Joe, you should have two foam hands.

Yeah!

And, finally, Grace, you should have two gnomes.

SMASH!

You've got one?

-Joe, you should have three gnomes.

-Yeah!

SMASH!

Romesh, you should have a single feather boa.

-Well done to Grace's team. Take a seat.

-Well done, Grace.

OK, Callum's team, please make your way to The Maths Bath.

The Maths Bath!

OK, here we go...

Let's go.

Callum has a dance class, so takes one feather boa.

Alex bought one more feather boa than Callum.

Ashleigh has double Geography, so needs double Alex's feather boas,

to make a rope to escape out the window.

Alex wants to look popular, so brings two garden gnomes

to have with lunch. Ashleigh bought two garden gnomes

more than Alex. Callum bought one more than Ashleigh.

However, two of his gnomes thought Alex was cooler,

so joined Alex.

Alex has a giant pencil, to use in his Science.

Callum has one giant pencil more than Alex. Ashleigh has two

giant pencils less than Callum, because in Science,

she was experimenting with black holes and her pencil's now

on the other side of the universe. Alex has one pair of deely boppers,

cos he is dressing like an ant for Biology. Callum has one more pair

of deely boppers than Alex. Ashleigh has two pairs of deely boppers

more than Callum, cos Ashleigh is determined to be

the most noticed person at the school disco.

To get into the disco mood, Ashleigh, Callum and Alex

all start dancing with their gnomes. Alex has PE, so needs one snorkel

and one rubber ring.

Callum misses PE, but needs one snorkel and one rubber ring

more than Alex. What are you doing?!

-I'm laughing at him!

-Don't drop a gnome!

Ashleigh needs one snorkel more than Callum, because her PE

and Music lessons clash. She is going to play drums underwater,

but Ashleigh also needs two rubber rings.

She uses these to swap with Callum for his giant pencils,

because Ashleigh's forgotten drumsticks.

What are you doing?!

END-OF-ROUND BELL

Time's up, time's up.

Come over here a little bit.

Get in the middle.

-Callum, you should have one feather boa.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Alex should have two feather boas.

-Yes.

-And Ashleigh, you should have

-four feather boas.

-I do, somewhere!

-They got it right!

Callum, you should have

three garden gnomes.

I think I have only got one.

Alex and Ashleigh, you should have four each.

-I've got four.

-I've got four?!

-Yes.

Yes!

Alex, you should have one giant pencil.

Ashleigh should have two giant pencils.

-Oh!

-And Callum should have none. I'm afraid I can't give you that one.

Alex should have one pair of deely boppers.

Callum should have two pairs of deely boppers.

-One round my neck, one on my head.

-All right. The old solid double

deely bopper round the neck technique.

And Ashleigh should be very noticeable

in four pairs of deely boppers.

-One, two...

-There's one on your bum!

Whoever wears deely boppers on their bum?!

-They are in there somewhere.

-I'll give you that one.

Alex, you should have one snorkel and two rubber rings.

One snorkel and two rubber... No, no, only one.

-Callum, you should have two snorkels.

-I think I only have one.

-And four rubber rings.

-What?!

-Oh, dear.

-Four?!

-His deely boppers fell off in disgust.

Ashleigh, you should have three snorkels, but no rubber rings.

LAUGHTER

Why did I have two? I didn't put them on me!

No gnomes were hurt during that stage. Well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The gold star in that round goes to Callum's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Verily, it is that time. We must return to golden age of heraldry

and chivalry, a time when people liked to dress up and run at stuff.

Yes, it's time for Popalot.

Grace, who do you think

will be the best at running their big old head

at a balloon?

Well, I think, Joe, because I don't think Romesh would...

What are you looking at me like that for?!

-So, you are going to go with Joe?

-Yes.

Wicked. And Callum, who do you think, out of Alex and Ashleigh,

-is the best at popping balloons?

-Erm...Ashleigh.

OK. Jousters, it is popping time. Please collect your helmets

and make your way to the jousting area.

TRUMPET FANFARE

CHANGES TO POP MUSIC

Ah, they look good.

Lovely outfits.

Knights, you know the rules. You must taketh your pointy head

and bursteth the mosteth amount of balloonseth.

Let the games begineth...

Goeth!!

Hands off your spike, Joe! Joe, hands off your spike! Joe!

Come on!

Come on, Joe, you were made for this!

Come on, guys!

Come on! Hurry up!

Come on!

Yes!

He's done it!

END-OF-ROUND BELL

Guys! Ashleigh, how do you feel?

Stupid! That's how I feel!

Joe Swash. You have found your calling in life!

I knew this day would happen!

And you popped all your balloons first, so the gold star goes to

Grace's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The time is nigh. It's time to find out who is heading for detention

with Mr Smash.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so let's see which team are swotty and which team are...

ALL: Naughty!

ALL: O-o-o-o-o-ooh...

And the winners are

Grace's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Grace's team. That means there is a loser.

Sadly, it's Callum's team. Callum, Alex and Ashleigh,

it's time to head to detention and take The Walk of Shame!

# La-la-la-la, losers! La-la-la-la, losers!

# La-la-la-la, losers! La-la-la-la, losers!

# La-la-la-la, losers!

# Losers! #

So, well done to the winners - Grace, Romesh and Joe!

Grace, get up here and hand in your homework! Come on!

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la You are the winners

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la You are the winners! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's have the losers back! Callum, Alex and Ashleigh,

back from detention with Mr Smash!

# La-la-la-la, losers! La-la-la-la, losers!

# La-la-la-la, losers! La-la-la-la, losers!

# La-la-la-la, losers! La-la-la-la, losers!

# Losers! #

I'm loving the tail!

There you go. It's time now for the dog

to come and collect the homework.

Well, we didn't learn much, but it sure was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

ALL: The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!

BURP!