Episode 1 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

BELL RINGS

CHATTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHIP CRACKS Down! Stay back! Stay back! Stay...

ROARING Stay back! Stay back!

No, Mr Smashy, you can't have any more chocolate.

Get... Get away!

Oh, h-hello!

Welcome to the show!

CHEERING

Thank you. Oh!

Oh! Oh, please, no.

Please, no. Please, no. Stop it. Hello.

I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework -

a show that's very popular with our four-legged friends.

Maybe they love seeing another dog on the television...

MWAH! MWAH!

A little treat for all the hounds out there!

OK, let's meet our teams!

On my right, a girl whose pencil case

is covered in pictures of oranges and Mr Smash.

It's a fruit and nut-case!

Say hello to Liberty, everyone!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, Sir!

And joining Liberty, he's 50% of a very witty duo,

making him a genuine half-wit.

From Johnny And Inel, it's Johnny Cochrane.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, Sir.

Also on Liberty's team,

a man who we're all used to seeing in our living rooms around tea-time.

Maybe he'll cook his own dinner one day.

It's CBBC's Chris "Yonko" Johnson!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, Sir.

On my left,

a boy who said he did last year's exams standing on his head.

Maybe next time, he'll use a chair. It's Lucas.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, Sir!

And on Lucas's team,

someone who told me she couldn't pay me back that tenner she lent me

because she's a little SHORT.

LAUGHTER It's comedian Susan Calman.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, Sir.

I'm sorry!

And also on their team, a man who's got a date with Destiny.

Luckily, Destiny cancelled, so he's here with us now.

It's Johnny's other half, Inel Tomlinson.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, Sir.

OK, here's how the game works.

The teams compete against each other

to get as many gold stars as is humanly possible.

Stars can only be called down using my unique vocal cry.

TARZAN-LIKE BELLOW

BURP!

LAUGHTER

I'll give bonus stars for cold, hard ca...

I mean, I'll give bonus stars for witty answers.

But be warned - any nonsense

and I'll release those stars back into the wild.

Be free, my pretties.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awwwwwwww.

Hey, there's no point grumbling cos, as you all know,

it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-..Iain's rules!

The team with the most stars at the end of the show

will be crowned Champions Of Awesome,

and the losers get to spend quality time with this guy.

HE STRAINS

Here, doggy, doggy, doggy. Here, doggy, doggy, doggy.

HE CONTINUES STRAINING

LAUGHTER

THUD!

LAUGHTER

OK, let's get on with the show!

This is Stick To The Point...

'Stick...To The Point!'

..where I ask quickfire questions

and the teams have to answer them as fast as they can.

If they're too slow, repeat an answer

or just start foaming at the mouth,

then I'll make them assume the "shush" position!

Of course, I alone can't make you do anything.

BUT THIS CAN!

DA-DA-DAAAAAAH!

Yes, it's my Stick Of Pointyness.

Cower in its pointy presence!

Shush position, right now!

Shush position.

Or I will whip you!

WHIP CRACKS TWICE

LAUGHTER

WHIP CRACKS

It's evil, Susan!

WHIP CRACKS Shush!

Be quiet, you demon!

SHE LAUGHS

OK, first topic - things that make you itch.

Johnny.

Ants.

W-Where in particular?

-In pants.

-Yes, please!

Inel.

Dogs.

SCATTERED LAUGHS

What are you doing with a dog that makes you itch?

Wearing it as a hat?

When they get a bit too close to you, you know,

and they start rubbing up against you.

Like, "Eh, stop that", and then you start itching afterwards.

Yes, please.

-Yonk.

-Tweed.

Tweed, please. Woolly trousers.

-Susan.

-Heat.

Yeah, it makes me itch. Johnny.

Salty water, seawater.

Yes. Lucas.

Oh, Shush Position.

Yonk.

Mosquito bites.

The kind that when you get that one little itch,

it weeps for a week and completely ruins your holiday in Cyprus.

-I paid so much money for that.

-Susan.

Something that makes me itch is talking about things

-that make you itch.

-That is true.

To be honest, I am feeling quite itchy just now.

I feel like I have got woolly trousers on.

Liberty.

You know that stuff that you do washing up with?

-Washing-up powder?

-That silver stuff.

Scouring pad thing.

You're not supposed to wash yourself with it.

"Are you ready for the disco, Liberty?"

SCREAMING: "I'm coming! Oh!"

Inel.

Sticky tree bark.

You know that stuff on the tree, the bark.

It's sticky. Sticky tree bark.

Sticky tree bark. It sounds like a song.

-RAPPING:

-# Sticky tree bark Yeah, yeah

# I said sticky tree bark Yeah, yeah

# It's sticky tree bark Yeah, yeah... #

-RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

-# It's sticky tree bark, yeah, yeah

# I say sticky you say bark

# I say sticky you say

# Bark

# I say sticky you say

# Bark

# I say sticky you say

# Bark. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for that, Inel, as well.

Well done, well done. Johnny.

Christmas trees are seriously, seriously itchy.

Yes, please. Inel.

Those flowers that have, like, the really tiny holes in them,

but there's so many tiny holes that when you look at it,

your skin just crawls.

-Does anyone have any idea what he's talking about?

-No.

-No.

They're out there somewhere.

When you see them, you start scratching.

Then you be like, "Yeah, Inel was right."

Yonk.

Boring conversation, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

"It's just I've got to... I've got a thing... I've got..."

I'm not quite sure how that gets you out of a boring conversation, but...

Yeah, great answer, Chris. Great answer.

Susan.

A dress made out of tinsel.

You know, you go to a formal occasion.

You haven't picked up anything new.

You think, "Well, I'll just make a dress out of tinsel."

-And you walk to the party...

-Well, get on the bus.

-Go to the party.

-"Just a single, please."

All the time, everyone is looking at you because you're itching.

Not because of the tinsel dress.

Christopher.

Starchy underpants.

Oh!

-Inel.

-Oh...

Shush Position.

Susan, it's three on one.

Let's see what you can do here. Liberty.

-Grass?

-Yes. Susan.

When somebody has a ponytail in front of me in the queue

and it gently wafts against my face.

You know, people with those ponytails and they're like,

"Oh, look at my ponytail, look at my ponytail."

It's all over my face.

I'm like, "GET OUT OF MY FACE WITH THE PONYTAIL!

Yes. Johnny.

Fabric conditioner.

No. Shush Position.

Shush Position.

-Susan.

-An infected cut.

-Yes. Chris.

-Pins and needles?

-No.

-No. Shush Position. It's Liberty versus Calman.

Who will be triumphant? Here we go. Susan.

The label on the back of a T-shirt you haven't managed to cut out yet.

Yes. Liberty.

Stubble.

I'm not sure... It looks itchy when you look at it.

You look at my face and it makes you itchy?

Yeah.

Susan.

Tight pants.

Liberty.

Oh!

Points for Lucas's team!

CHEERING

OK. Things you might find under your bed. Johnny.

Monsters.

You want to come round to my room. Honestly.

There is one under there, I don't even look any more.

-Lucas.

-My dirty socks.

Yes. Chris.

An unnecessarily large amount of Doctor Who action figures

for a 24-year-old man to own.

INEL LAUGHS

Susan.

Cat sick.

GROANING

-What?!

-She's got cats!

I've got cats, sometimes they're sick. I'm a busy modern lady.

I don't have time to clean that up.

You can scrape it into one of Chris's Tardises.

I mean, there's plenty of room.

Oh!

-Liberty.

-Rubbish.

Rubbish, yes. Lucas.

-My cat.

-Covered in sick or just...?

Johnny.

-Spiders.

-Yeah. Inel.

Mice droppings.

AUDIENCE: Ew!

Eh, eh, eh! It was a tough year last year.

-Liberty.

-Hair.

That's disgusting, Liberty!

How could you possibly have hair under your bed.

SUSAN LAUGHS

Lucas.

My socks.

We've had socks. Shush Position, Lucas, I'm afraid.

Chris.

Empty action figure boxes to keep in mint condition,

so I can stick them back in and flog them later for twice the price

-and make a mint.

-Yeah.

Susan.

My custom-made Batman outfit.

I would see you more as a Robin myself.

Why? Cos women can only be the sidekick, Iain,

is that what you're saying?

OOHING

Oh, dear!

I've fallen into one of those 2015 things.

I don't know what to say.

Chris.

The floor.

Oh!

Very good.

Susan.

-Winter jumpers.

-Lovely. Johnny.

-Socks.

-We've had socks. Get in the Shush Position.

Inel.

Eh, change. For when it falls out your pyjama pockets.

When you're...

When you're sleeping, and then it just falls out your pocket.

In the morning you look under your bed like, "Oh, there's money!"

You're walking about Tesco in your pyjamas going, "Oh, no!"

-Yonk.

-The legs of the bed.

Yes. Inel.

Dirt.

I'm going to Shush Position. You hesitated.

Ah...

Ah!

OK, Liberty.

-Bags.

-Bags. Susan.

A nice rug.

Ooh. Bit of a waste under the bed.

-No, but it's...

-But you're earning. You're earning, Susan.

"I'll buy this lovely rug and just chuck it under the beg,

"because I'm moneybags.

"Cats, throw up on that, I don't even need it.

"Don't even need it." Yonks.

-Toenails.

-Yes. It's true, I've got that. Susan.

Old plasters.

Ooh. Liberty.

-Pyjamas.

-Good. Susan.

Last time I went under there I found a verruca sock.

GROANING

I wear them for protection more than anything else.

Why is it under the bed, then?

So, I don't have a verruca,

but I like to wear them so I don't get a verruca.

-So, I wear two verruca socks...

-At all times?

No, when I go swimming. I'd just gone swimming.

Just a picture of you in a swimming costume and two verruca socks.

And I wear, like, a right proper Victorian swimming costume

that covers all of me.

With the red and white stripes?

Do you wear a moustache, as well?

Chris.

-Eh...

-Oh!

Shush Position.

Oh, it's Liberty-Susan again! Susan.

-Remote control.

-Will it ever end?!

Liberty.

Buttons from the remote.

-Buttons from the remote?

-No.

-Ah...

When you drop it, they fall out.

No, then... Shush Position.

Points go to Lucas's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

That bell means it's the end of the round.

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to Lucas's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, guys, it's now time for Pie The Supply.

-DEEP VOICE:

-'Pie The Supply.'

In a moment, I'll present the teams with four people

all claiming to be real teachers.

Our teams then have to try and pick who the real supply teacher is,

then give them a great big pie in their mush.

So, let's bring out the teachers.

JEERING

Evil teachers.

OK, teams. Today, we're trying to place the biology teacher.

Here's a bit of information about our teachers today.

Teacher number one, Mrs Keenan, has been a biology teacher for 15 years.

Before becoming a teacher, she worked as a sports physiotherapist

and had to massage Andy Murray's feet.

Teacher number two, Miss Livingstone,

has been a biology teacher for six years.

Her favourite fact about the subject is that fart breath is a real thing.

Teacher number three, Mr Burke, has been teaching for ten years.

As a student, he wanted to become a doctor,

but decided it would be easier to help children learn instead.

What a noble, handsome man.

Teacher number four, Mr McBain, has been a biology teacher for 12 years.

He met his wife while studying biology at university.

Apparently, she was attracted to his good "jeans".

Good GENES, there we go!

Good, he's got lovely genes.

OK. Lucas's team, who looks most teacher-y out of the four? Susan?

Number four looks like he should be in Mumford & Sons.

-He looks like he is Mumford.

-Yeah.

To be a teacher, you have to have, like,

-a really kind of determined voice to command the class.

-Yeah.

Can I hear, like, each of you in turn say, "Sit up straight"?

Number one, "Sit up straight", go.

Sit up straight.

Number three.

Sit up straight.

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Oh, hello. Number two.

Sit up straight.

Oh, yes.

And number four.

Sit up straight.

Hmm, no. Oh, no.

He's not commanding no respect like that.

I thought he was going to go...

MELODY: I Will Wait by Mumford & Sons

# Sit up straight Sit up straight... #

OK.

-Liberty's team. First impressions?

-I don't think it's four.

Not many teachers have tattoos, to be fair.

Also, with the beard, he looks a little bit like he could play

one of the dwarfs in Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.

Do you know what?

I'd love to see a mixture of number four's beard and Johnny's hair.

Go and pop your hair over his head.

-Shall we try?

-Yeah. You don't mind, do you, number four?

Of course not.

LAUGHTER

-I like it. SUSAN:

-Can I ask them a question?

Yeah, go on. We'll get some questions in.

I want you each to tell me

what part of the magical world of the biology makes you most excited.

-Number three?

-Every part.

LAUGHTER

That's a man that's not over-the-moon he got asked first.

Number one?

The worms.

LAUGHTER

-Number four?

-Cutting stuff up.

LAUGHTER

Cutting stuff up?

Number two?

The part during the summer holidays.

LAUGHTER

She's honest if nothing else.

Liberty's team. Questions for our suspected teachers.

So, number one worked on Andy Murray's bunion, is that right?

She was a physiotherapist and massaged Andy Murray's feet.

-Well, I'm just assuming he had a bunion, then.

-Let's find out.

Did Andy Murray have warts or bunions?

A small bunion.

Oh!

Andy Murray's got a small bunion!

You heard it here first.

-CHRIS:

-I've got a question for number two, actually.

-OK.

What is fart breath?

Oh, good question. Number two, what is fart breath?

If you hold it in, think about where it's got to go.

When you hold in farts for too long, they come out of your mouth.

Yep. Yep.

Right, OK, you've had your questions.

Let's make sure we pie the right one.

Audience, who do you think it is? Shout after three. One, two, three!

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT NUMBERS

OK.

It looks like our audiences are at twos and threes.

They think it's either two or three, but what do you guys think?

Lucas, it's time for you to...

-DEEP VOICE:

-'Pie the Supply.'

-Come on, mate.

Not too hard, not too hard.

Oh...

OOHING

Oh!

"Not too hard", that's what I said to you, Lucas.

Remember when I said that?

-OK. Liberty. SUSAN:

-Not too hard, Liberty.

Time for you to...

-DEEP VOICE:

-'Pie the Supply.'

OOHING

That was hard, as well!

Oh, my days!

OK, let's get this over with quickly.

Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

No! APPLAUSE

NO!

Unfortunately, none of you got it right,

but we've got one very smug teacher.

On to the next round!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Yes, time now for some drama studies in the game I like to call,

because that's its name, Mime Craft.

-DEEP VOICE:

-'Mime Craft.'

This is a round where our two teams of celebrities have to go

several minutes without talking.

All they have to do is act out some activities

and their teams have to guess what it is they are up to.

So, Liberty, who do you want, Chris or Johnny?

-Chris.

-Chris.

Yonko, please make your way to the mime spot.

OK, Liberty, your time starts when you flip over the first card.

Take it away.

-Juggling.

-Yes!

Wait, wait.

IAIN IMITATES ENGINE WHIRRING

Jet skiing.

No.

-Wa...

-Oh!

-Water skiing.

-Yes!

-Swimming.

-Swimming.

-Scuba diving?

-Synchronised swimming.

Yes.

-Dance.

-Tap dancing.

-Yes.

Zip lining.

No.

Back and forth.

BELL RINGS

Oh, it was a trapeze.

OK, Lucas, you're up next, mate.

Who do you want, Inel or Susan "The Mime" Calman?

-Susan.

-Yes!

-Oh!

OK, Susan Calman.

Make your way to the mime spot.

Lucas, your time starts when you flip over the first card.

-Susan, are you ready to mime?

-Yep.

-OK, three, two, one, go for it.

-Golf.

-Golf.

-Yes!

American football.

Get on my back.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Pass it, pass it.

I've torn my muscles.

-Hide and seek?

-Yes!

Bonus gold star.

Holding your breath.

Pass.

Ballet.

BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE

You're OK, you're OK, you're OK.

I thought you was on the toilet, Susan.

-It was squash. Susan was doing squash.

-That's how you play squash?

Susan is not very good at squash.

OK. At the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Liberty's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Geography now, guys. It's time for Globe Hoppers.

-DEEP VOICE:

-'Globe Hoppers.'

This is where I call out clues to different countries

dotted around the world.

A member of each team then has to grab the correct answer

by bouncing around the Earth on one of these space hoppers.

OOHING

Yes, please.

It's educational and it's stupid or, as we like to call it...

stupiducational.

It's a word what I made up with my mouth.

Rest assured, they will look stupid.

-Lucas, who's going to play for your team?

-Inel.

-Inel.

Liberty, who is going to play for your team?

-Johnny.

-Oh, it's a Johnny and Inel showdown!

Guys, guys, guys, Johnny, Inel,

once you were partners spreading mirth around the land.

Now, you are at loggerheads with one another. How does it feel?

It was always going to end up like this. Always.

-This is the logical way, yeah.

-OK.

Your time starts when I ask the first question.

If you're ready, three, two, one, let's go global!

In which country would I use a sombrero to escape the sun?

CROWD SHOUTS

Mexico!

-DEEP VOICE:

-'School disco.'

School disco!

MUSIC: I Really Like You by Carly Rae Jepsen

# And I want you Do you want me?

# Do you want me, too?

# I really, really, really, really, really, really like you

# And I want you Do you want me?

# Do you want me too? #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

LAUGHTER

Which country's capital city is New Delhi?

CROWD SHOUTS

India!

The River Nile runs through which country?

CROWD SHOUTS

Come on, Johnny. Hop! Hop! Hop!

Egypt!

In which country would you find the Grand Canyon?

CROWD SHOUTS

USA! USA!

USA!

BELL RINGS

Now...

We have damaged the set. How do you guys feel?

-Yeah...

-Do you feel good, Inel?

Johnny, do you feel great?

It's pretty intense out there.

I can tell you that Johnny and Inel, they went to battle,

and the winner was...

Liberty's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gold star, Johnny!

Guys, guys.

Guys, I don't know how to tell you this,

that's us just about done for today.

THEY GROAN

All I've to do is add up the scores, so let's bring down the stars.

So, the winners are...

Lucas's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Lucas's team. You can bask in glory.

As for Liberty's team, the dog is going to eat your homework

and you've got yourself detention with Mr Smash.

Time to take the walk of shame.

# La-la-la, la-la... #

-ALL:

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la... #

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la... #

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la... #

-Losers!

-# La-la-la, la-la... #

-Losers!

-# Losers. #

-Losers!

OK, so that's your lot. Hopefully catch you again soon.

As ever, you know what? We didn't learn much. But it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE