Episode 2 The Dog Ate My Homework

THEY TALK GIBBERISH

Hello, hello!

Eh!

Hello!

I am Iain Stirling. This is The Dog Ate My Homework,

and I'm glad that happened.

Today I am joined by some wonderful people.

Yes, it's the studio audience!

I guess we should also meet the teams, they are quite good as well.

On my right is a girl who claims she's always getting punished

for something she hasn't done. It's called homework.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Orla!

-Here, sir.

And on Orla's team,

a man that's got such a buzz he might as well travel with bees.

It's the comedian, Romesh Ranganathan.

Here, sir.

And joining them, two people who are so alike they share everything.

Like lipstick, eyeliner and even DNA. It's vloggers, Lucy and Lydia.

-BOTH:

-Here, sir!

And to my left, a boy who's like a brother to Orla.

That's because he's a BROTHER to Orla. It's Niall, everyone.

Here.

And on Niall's team, a woman fresh from exploring a wild,

uninhabitable place full of the scariest bugs and beasties.

Or as she likes to call it, her dressing room.

It's CBBC's Naomi Wilkinson.

Here, sir!

And joining them, someone who's well known for playing a nutty PE teacher

in the Four O'clock Club.

Who'd want one of them on their TV show?

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

-It's Dan Wright.

-Here, sir. Yes!

There are the teams. Let's get on with the show!

OK, so how do we do this thing? It's very simple.

Each round our teams will go

head-to-head for one of my magical golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Stars are awarded, not just for being clever but also for making me laugh.

But be warned, if I catch any of you being cheeky, nosy, mouthy

or any other bits of your face-y, then boom!

I'll take those stars away.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-Eh!

Don't question me cos it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

-Yes.

At the end of the show, the team with the most stars are the winners

while the losers will face a man so scary he makes old grannies'

false teeth fall out in horror.

So if you're an old granny, face away now.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mr Smash.

HE GROWLS GRUFFLY

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

HE GROWLS

HE GROWLS SQUEAKILY

It is time now for Round 1.

Yes, it's time for Stick To The Point...

-VOICEOVER:

-Stick to the point.

..with my faithful stick of pointiness. Who's a good boy then?

You're a good boy, yeah. Oh, yeah.

ROMESH SNIGGERS

That didn't necessarily work in rehearsal either but...

Romesh said to me, "I wouldn't do that, mate.

"They'll think it's weird."

I went, "No, I believe in this audience."

Anyway, here's what happens.

I ask the teams a question, they give me an answer nice and quick.

If they're not fast enough, repeat an answer or just talk rubbish,

then I'll put them in the shh position.

Can I see your shh positions, please?

Lovely stuff. Shh, lovely. Double shh from twins there. Lovely.

-VOICEOVER:

-School Disco!

-School Disco!

# Take a sip of my secret potion

# I'll make you fall in love

# For a spell that can't be broken

# One drop should be enough

# Boy, you belong to me

# I got the recipe

# And it's called black magic

# And it's called black magic, yeah

# Take a sip of my secret potion

# One taste and you'll be mine

# It's a spell that can't be broken

# It'll keep you up all night

# Boy, you belong to me

# I got the recipe

# And it's called black magic... #

RECORD SCRATCHES

OK. The last team standing get a shiny gold star.

Right, our first topic is...

things you'd find in the woods.

-Dan?

-Wolves.

-Wolves. Lucy and Lydia?

-Owls.

-Owls. Naomi.

-Trees.

-Yes, please. Orla.

-I don't know.

-Shh position. Niall?

-Water.

-Yes. Romesh.

-Small badger.

I'll tell you why. I was once on a cross-country trip and...

there was a badger, it just got too big for the woods.

He ended up moving to the city

because he just didn't have enough room.

He had a family, he had to move a bit further out.

He ended up going to a semi-detached.

-Dan.

-My very lost granny.

With the wolves. HE HOWLS

"Oh, Gran's a it again." Naomi.

A little tiny goblin going, "Ooh-hoo, I live in the woods."

No, that was Dan's gran.

-Dan.

-Hansel and Gretel's house.

-No, it's not their house.

Well, it is once the papers come through. And legally it is theirs.

A little bit of mortgage banter for the children there.

-Lucy and Lydia.

-Fairies.

-OK then.

-Naomi.

-Probably some dog poo.

-Oh!

Am I in or out?

-Did you keep me in?

-I'll leave you in. Dan...now you're out.

-Shh position. Lucy and Lydia.

-Little Red Riding Hood.

-Sometimes.

Naomi.

-I had one and I've forgotten it.

-Shh position.

-Oh.

-Lucy and Lydia.

-Um...

-I don't know. Hurry up, think of one.

-Hold on.

Don't know. No, shh position.

It's Romesh against Niall. It's the matchup we've all been waiting for.

Here we go. Romesh.

Like, a monkey that's so lost it's unbelievable.

-Romesh.

-One of that monkey's friends just going,

"I heard he went to the woods, man. I do know what's going on."

-Niall.

-A witch.

-Romesh.

That monkey's mum who's also joined the search party.

I'm drawing a line on the monkey side, all right?

-Listen, it's a massive family.

-I'm giving you that one. Niall.

-A charity for elves.

-Shh position.

Points go to Orla's team there.

OK, here we go. Things you do every morning.

-Orla.

-Used to feed the fish.

-OK. Naomi.

-Brush your teeth.

-Yes, please. Lucy and Lydia.

-Wake up.

I mean, that's a very good one.

If that doesn't happen, you're in for a long day. Romesh.

You ask the monkey what he's doing in your living room.

-"This isn't your home, mate."

-Niall.

-Eat.

-Yes, please. Orla.

-Get dressed.

-Mm-hm. Niall.

-Make tea.

-Make tea not war. Orla.

Do the homework that you've forgotten to do last night.

That is a very good one. Romesh.

I like to cuddle my family and tell them I love them.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Pretty nice.

Well, except for the second kid.

LAUGHTER

That shouldn't be funny, but it is.

-Naomi.

-Remake the bed.

-Yes, please. Lucy and Lydia.

Fill in my eyebrows.

-I couldn't think of...

-Fill in your eyebrows?!

-Do you take your eyebrows off?

-No.

I just fill them in more so they look better.

What, so people can know if you're surprised if they're further away?

-What do you fill them in?

-Fill them in with, like, a product.

-What paint them on?

-Not paint them.

-Sort of.

May... OK, paint them on, yeah.

-Paint them on?!

-Yeah, with a brush.

So if you were angry, do you have to wipe them off and then...

paint on those ones?

If somebody says something horrible to you,

"Wait a minute, mate, I tell you what, I'm going to give you

"a reaction in a second.

"Just let me clean these happy ones off and I'll tell you."

-Orla.

-I put on my badges for school.

-Yes, please. Niall.

-Put clothes on.

-Oh, wait, we've had put clothes on. Get dressed.

Niall, shh position.

Orla. BUZZ

"I'm actually quite bored of this now."

-Dan.

-Moisturise.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Dan's actually 67.

-I am.

-Romesh.

-Shave my ears. I get like...

I get these sort of hairy bits like here, so I just shave it off

and then send it to Lucy and Lydia for their eyebrows.

That's disgusting. Naomi.

-I don't know.

-Shh position. Dan.

-Put my glasses on.

-Romesh.

-Take my glasses off.

-Dan.

-Put them back on again cos I can't see.

-Romesh.

Take my pants out of the fridge. I like...

I like to keep them there overnight,

-just, like, a cool little surprise first thing in the morning.

-Dan.

Put the milk in the fridge that you actually put in...the

under-stairs compartment.

Shh position. Points go to Orla's team there.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Well, that is the end of the round.

And at the end, I can tell you the gold star goes to...

Orla's team!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hello. It's now time for a bit of

drama in a round we like to call Mime Craft.

-VOICEOVER:

-Mime Craft.

One member of each team will take it in turns to act out a series

of activities that their captain will reveal on the flippy thing.

Behold, the flippy thing!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I mean, decades of research and all I can come up is "the flippy thing".

Anyway, the team who gets the most mimes correctly before the bell rings

will win a gold star.

So, Orla, who are you picking? Lucy, Lydia, Romesh.

You've got two young, go-getting athletic girls...and Romesh.

Who are you going for?

-I'll go for Romesh.

-Of course you are.

Romesh, how are you feeling about this?

-I feel great, I'm really excited about it.

-I thought as much.

Romesh, please make your way to the mime spot.

OK, Romesh, your time starts when Orla flips over the first card.

Three, two, one, go, Orla!

HORN BLARES

-Cycling.

-Yeah, well done.

-No, it's wrong.

-Frisbee.

-Frisbee.

-Tennis.

-Yes.

-Disk throwing.

I'll give you it.

-Oh, what?

-Golf.

-Golf.

-Putting.

-Crazy golf.

-Oh!

-Gold star.

-Egg on the spoon.

-You're so good!

-You two haven't said anything yet. There's two of you!

-Badminton.

-Rock-climbing.

-No.

-Colder than rock-climbing.

-Ooh, mountain climbing.

-Pass, pass.

-You can't laugh!

-Can you come here? Can you come here?

-Lie down on the floor.

-What do you mean?

LAUGHTER

Argh! Ugh! Argh!

-Sledging.

-Yes! Yes.

Sumo wrestling. Is that right?

-Sumo wrestling.

-This is payback!

-Argh!

-Is it sumo...?

BELL RINGS

You're so good!

You are as heavy as you look.

Next up, Niall. Do you want Dan the actor or Naomi the presenter?

I'll go with Dan the actor.

-Dan the actor, please make your way to the mime spot.

-Wise choice.

-Come on, Dan.

-OK, guys, your time

starts when Niall flips over his board.

Niall, take it away, please.

-HORN BLARES

-Archery.

-Yes.

-Very good.

-Diving.

-High diving.

-Yes.

-Skiing.

-Ice skating. Dancing, gymnastics.

-Come here, come here.

-Ice dancing. Figure dancing.

-Dancing.

-Figure...

-Figure skating.

-Yes.

-Bouncing.

-I mean, what is that?!

-Pogo stick.

-Pogo sticking.

-No, no.

-Pogo sticking.

-Pogo...

-Jumping.

-Oh, wait, wait, wait!

-Hopscotch.

-Yes.

What were you doing earlier on?!

-Finishing.

-Ahhh!

-Ice fishing.

-Yes!

I'll give you a gold star for that.

Bungee jumping.

-Bungee diving.

-Underwater.

-Diving... Underwater diving.

-He's falling from an awful long way.

-Sky...

-Skydiving.

-Yes.

-Oh.

Skateboarding.

-Surfing.

-Yes.

What?

THEY SNORE

-Sleeping.

-Sleep.

-Hitting.

-Sleep.

-Fighting.

-What am I holding?

-Swords.

-Pillow fighting.

-Yes.

Thank you.

-What?

-Running. Sprinting.

Running. Running round the studio.

-I don't think he knows what it is.

-Running round the studio.

Um, looking like an idiot.

-BELL RINGS

-Oh! Oh.

Yes.

-I'll give you a star if you get it now.

-Quick, what's that?

-What did he do?

-It was free running.

-Oh!

-Give it up for Dan, everyone. Have a sit down.

-Sorry, Dan.

I love how Dan thinks free running

is running but just with your arms weirdly...

-I did feel free, though.

-You did feel free.

OK, so, at the end of that round, I could tell you the gold star

goes to...Niall's team!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Now it's time for Pie The Supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie The Supply.

In a moment each team will meet four people all claiming to be teachers

but only one of them is telling the truth,

the others are just making it up to get on telly.

And of course, to meet little old me.

However, all of this comes at a price.

Namely, being questioned by this lot who have to identify and then pie

who they think is the real supply teacher.

Today, we have a space in the physics department

so let's bring out the teachers!

Boo!

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Boo!

Boo! The teachers that are just

trying to improve their pupils' lives.

Boo! OK, before you guys ask your questions, here are our teachers CVs.

Here we go.

Teacher number one is Mr McElvy.

He's been teaching physics for 22 years.

He particularly enjoys teaching about electricity,

and in his spare time he's a DJ.

Teacher number two. Mr Byers has been a physics teacher for six years.

He once came to school wearing his pyjamas and is

a professional wrestler in his free time.

Teacher number three is Mrs Low. She's been a teacher for ten years.

She once broke a very expensive bit of equipment

and blamed it on a student.

When she can, she likes to go to comic book conventions.

Teacher number four is Mr Mackay.

He's been a physics teacher for ten years.

He likes to think of himself as a bit of a joker.

His favourite frequency is 50,000 Hz,

although you've probably never heard it before.

Cos it's high...

It's high-pitched.

OK, let's do some questions. Niall's team. Naomi, Dan, Niall,

have you got any questions for these physics teachers?

Number two, what's your wrestling nickname?

I wrestle under the name Mr Byers.

I'm a teacher in and out of the ring.

I like the name Mr Byers.

Like, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage...Mr Byers."

He walks out just marking jars.

Number four, act how you would if you were in school. Dring!

Right, class, sit down. We are going to get on with some physics now.

For every action, there's an equal opposite reaction, so please

remember that as we go through our working day.

-DAN:

-And you do that every time the bell goes?

I'm a disciplinarian.

-NAOMI:

-Who said that quote?

-It's Sir Isaac Newton.

-Ooh!

OK, Number four, number four...

The thing is, I could've asked that question

and he could have said anything, and I wouldn't have known.

That's Daffy Duck, isn't it? I would've, "Yep."

"That's Tinchy Stryder." All right, good.

Orla's team, have you got any questions for your teachers?

Teacher one hasn't had any questions.

These questions have nothing to do with teaching, word of warning now.

-That's a maverick approach from Orla.

-Yes.

-What do you prefer, jam or butter?

-Jam.

-What's your favourite number?

-Eight.

-What do you prefer, water or juice?

-Ooh, it's a tough one.

-Juice.

-Are you a teacher?

-Yes.

-Oh, clever.

He's too cunning for you.

For every action, there's an equal opposite reaction, I'm afraid, Orla.

-Dan.

-From my experience, science teachers have coffee breath.

How would you describe your breath each and every one of you?

-ROMESH:

-If you're committed to it, go and smell their breath.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Come on then. Walked into that one, didn't I?

"How would you describe your breath?"

Come on, mate. Get in and sniff it.

-Get your nose in there!

-It's kind of like a gravy.

-Kind of a gravyesque kind of breath.

-Number two, here we go.

Um, it's kind of minty. Kind of like that.

-Are you breathing?

-Yes!

Absolutely nothing. She's not alive.

-Coffee. Coffee.

-LAUGHTER

OK, OK. Guys, you've got a flavour of who you think might be the teacher.

Let's ask the audience.

On the count of three, audience,

shout out who you think is the teacher.

One, two, three, go!

-AUDIENCE:

-Four!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OPINIONS

Right, OK. Shh! Shh!

It looks like the audience think it's number four. So it's decision time.

Who totally lied and who's about to get pied?

All right, Orla, you're up first.

So it's time for you to...

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply.

-Thanks.

-Here we go. Who's she going to pick?

Ooh!

Ooh!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Niall. It's your turn, mate. Please go and...

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply.

-Here we go.

-Thanks.

Ooh!

Who's it going to be?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Well, let's see if you pied the supply teacher

or an innocent bystander.

Would the real supply teacher please step forwards?

APPLAUSE

No!

Um, number four, what do you do for a living?

I'm a TV extra and I do a bit of painting.

They missed the teacher!

-How do you feel?

-Fantastic.

Oh!

At the end of that round then, sadly, neither team gets a gold star.

AUDIENCE AWS

Right then, despite repeated warnings,

the lost property department

is overflowing again.

I mean, look at this junk. Who needs this?

WHO needs this?

Who's using that?

IMITATES ROMESH: 'Ooh, I'm Romesh.

'Oh, hello, I'm Romesh.

'I used to be a teacher and I'm miserable all the time.

'Romesh!

'Anything you'd like to say...

'..for yourself?

'That's who I am. I'm Romesh!

'I'm going to do it until you say something, mate.

'Don't think I'm not brave enough to carry on.

'I absolutely will.

'La, la, la!

LAUGHTER

'I love myself so very much.

'La, la, la!'

So just like that. You get the idea.

Right...

Right, um...

We need this stuff cleared up.

So, teams, you both need to rummage around in lost property

looking for the items I call out.

Once you have them, you need to dress your mannequins,

who will be played by your other team-members,

doing their lovely little poses there.

Ooh, indeed. Yes.

The dummy... No offence, girls. ..with the most items wins.

If you're ready, OK? it's time to reclaim the lost property.

We have got until the bell rings. Let's get lost!

First of all, you're looking for a brown wig. A brown wig.

A brown wig! A brown wig!

You need a brown wig. One brown wig.

OK, a pink sun visor. A pink sun visor.

A pink sun visor, we're looking for. A pair of granny pants.

If you can find a pair of granny pants.

That's a shirt. OK, a chicken's beak. A chicken's beak.

A chicken's beak.

There is one there. That's a chicken's beak, I think.

There's one there as well. Chicken's beak.

A hobbyhorse. There's only one hobbyhorse, you need it.

Dan's got it. Let go and release.

A pink football. A pink football.

Pink football. A white shirt. A white shirt.

OK, a vase. Get your vases. Get your vases.

Be careful with them. Oh!

Oh! Ooh!

OK, that's not great. A black cowboy hat.

Rom, are you all right, mate?

A school notebook, a school notebook. Oh!

What is it now?

'I'm a naughty cheeks! I'm a naughty cheeks.'

A Romesh... A Romesh beard. We want a Romesh beard.

OK, clothes hanger. Do we have clothes hangers?

-Clothes hanger.

-Clothes hanger.

A small backpack. A small backpack.

-AUDIENCE:

-Romesh! Romesh!

It's all kicking off.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS Time's up. Stop! Stop.

Let's count the items. Naomi Wilkinson.

-You're like a sort of crazy person.

-What do you mean?

OK. Let's see how any items you got.

You've got one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten items.

And I do have a Romesh beard.

Oh, yeah, got a bit. 10.5. 10.5 for Naomi.

Girls, you're like crazy scientists.

How's the Romesh? Can you do a Romesh impression? 'Ooh, I'm Romesh.'

-'Ooh, I'm Romesh.'

-It's just like you, mate.

Let's count your items. OK, one...

'Mme-me-me-mme!'

-Two.

-..two Three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten.

-Oh, no!

-No way! Niall's team have taken it by half a point...

..with the beard. Which means the gold star goes to Niall's team!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Stop! Stop.

Guys, that's all we've got time for.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-I know.

All that's left to do is to work out who's the winner.

So we need to count up the scores and bring down the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Today's winners are...

..Niall's team!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Niall's team. I am sick and tired of smarty-pants always winning.

So I've decided to send you lot to detention and the dog is

going to eat your homework.

Orla's team...

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Eh! Orla's team, you're off the hook.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

So what we need now is for Niall's team, it's time for you guys

to take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

# Losers. #

And that's all we've got time for. As ever, I know we didn't learn much,

but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

See you!