Episode 3 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHILDREN CHEER

BABBLING

Ah!

Oh!

LAUGHTER

We need to get that lift fixed.

Oh!

Hello, how's everyone doing?

AUDIENCE CHEER

About four people went, "Aaaargh!"

Everybody meet Malcolm, my twin. Say hello to Malcolm.

-AUDIENCE:

-Yay!

OK. I'm Iain Stirling. This is A Dog Ate My Homework, and after

a hard day at school, what could be better than a quick show about...

school?

We haven't really... We've not thought this through.

Anyway, let's meet our teams.

OK, on my right, a girl who is just like her seasonal namesake -

short. It's Summer, everyone.

-Here, sir.

-AUDIENCE CHEER

And on Summer's team, a man who insists on travelling first class.

It's great - we can stick a stamp on his head and pop him in the post.

It's all over the place, it's Ed Petrie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here, sir.

Also on their team, a man whose IQ score is totally off the scale -

unfortunately, in the wrong direction!

It's TV presenter Alex Riley.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, sir.

OK, and on my left, a boy who's left a real mark on his school,

cos he writes on class walls in permanent marker -

it's Finley, everybody.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, sir.

And on Finley's team, an actress from Horrible Histories who is

so lovely I once asked her on a date.

She said 3rd March, 1862. It's Dominique Moore.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, sir.

And finally, a great friend of mine that I nicknamed Yonko,

but every day he has said to me, "Iain, please call me Chris."

So, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you all to Yonko, everybody.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Here, sir.

Yonko, AKA Chris Johnson. Guys, give it up for today's teams.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's get on with the show.

OK, here's how the show works.

I set our teams questions, they give me answers.

If I like what I hear, then I give them a shiny golden star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

But if they get them wrong, or accidentally set

the studio on fire, then I'll take them back from them.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

Eh, don't question me, because it's Iain's school, so it's...

-ALL:

-Iain's rules!

At the end of the show, we'll see who's bagged the most gold stars.

Winners get to jump up and down with glee,

while the losers have to do detention with a man

so unpleasant, he is the only thing that flies won't land on -

it's Mr Smash.

HE BABBLES

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Puh!

HE STRAINS

HE LAUGHS

BANG

CUCKOO

APPLAUSE

That made absolutely no sense. Let's get on with the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Stick To The Point.

'Stick To The Point.'

This round involves me asking the teams a question.

All they have to do is give me the answer

without repeating themselves, hesitating or talking gobbledygook.

Any errors, and I will put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Lovely shushes there.

But for this, we need my stick of pointiness. Now where did I...

LAUGHTER

Hold on. The dog's got it.

Oi! You! Come over here. Give it here!

Give that... Naughty dog! Get over there.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Don't pity him!

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

OK, here is your first topic.

Your first topic is things you can put in a sandwich.

-Chris.

-Ham.

-Alex?

-Lettuce.

-Yes, please. Dominique?

-Skit... Not skittles!

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

Get in the shush position.

-Alex?

-Peanut butter.

-Yes, please.

-Ed?

-Sandwich spread.

-Ooooh! Fin?

-Cheese.

-Cheese, yep. Alex?

-Banana.

-Yes, Chris?

-Margarine?

-Oh, OK.

-You know Chris' famous margarine sandwiches(!)

Yum, Yum! Oh, Mum, do I hate flavour!

LAUGHTER

-Ed?

-Fish paste.

Oh, and you made fun of margarine?

-Fin?

-Tuna.

-Tuna, yeah, that's proper fish paste. Alex?

-Coronation chicken.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

All, only in Glasgow. "Oooh, Coronation chicken!"

I bet his telly's mounted on the wall.

LAUGHTER

Fancy pants, with his coronation chicken,

it's been around since the '70s.

What's he like?

Can I come back in?

No, shush!

-Chris?

-Cress.

-Cress(!)

With me margarine...

LAUGHTER

I like them bland.

Oh, it's awful plain, this margarine sandwich.

I'll put in this sort of grass.

LAUGHTER

-Ed?

-Er, seeds?

LAUGHTER

-Get in the shush position.

-You caught me off guard!

-Fin?

-Crisps?

-Yes, please. Classic.

-Summer?

-Potatoes.

LAUGHTER

-I put mashed potatoes in my sandwiches.

-What? Why?

Because my grandma makes us mashed potato and sausage and she

gives me a slice of bread and I make it into mashed-potato sandwich.

Someone loves carbs!

Yonko's outside going, "I've got some cress..."

LAUGHTER "..do you need any?"

-Yonk?

-Peanut butter.

-Have we had that?

-We've had that.

BUZZER Shush position!

-Oh, Fin, here we go. Summer?

-Sausages.

-Fin?

-I don't know.

-BUZZER

Oh, no!

I've got bored of this bit now, mate.

LAUGHTER

All right, shush position. Points go to Summer's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Mashed potatoes.

-Mashed potato sandwiches all around?

Next one, things you find at an airport. Summer?

-Er, a trolley.

-It wouldn't have been my first choice...

LAUGHTER

-But well done. Dominique?

-People!

-Alex?

-Conveyor belt.

-Yes. Fin?

-Planes.

Well done. I'm going to give you a bonus star

for saying the obvious answer, about five answers in.

-Yeah.

-Summer?

-Bacteria.

LAUGHTER

Don't touch your hands, it's covered in bacteria. Chris?

Sick bags.

Respect that.

Technically, you find them on an aeroplane.

Ah, but where'd you get them to put them on the plane?

-Sick-bag shop.

-Good point.

Yes. Alex?

A man with two table tennis bats,

who stands in front of a plane going...

-Like that, like that.

-That is true.

-Dominique?

-What's it called? They're not trams and they're not buses.

Are you going to let her get away with this?

-LAUGHTER DOMINIQUE:

-No, but you know...

-Hesitation!

-You know, you have to get on them

to get to the next bit of the airport. What are they?

They're not trams...

-They're buses.

-Shuttle. Shuttle bus.

-Shuttles. Shuttles! Shuttles!

Monorails!

-My answer is a shuttle.

-LAUGHTER

Shush position.

You were hesitating. It's Iain's school, so it's...

-ALL:

-Iain's rules.

-OK, Summer?

-Phones.

-Fin?

Pilots.

Ah, I've got to put you in the shush position, Fin,

only because you hesitated a little bit and this game is taking ages.

-OK, Yonk?

-A tray for your electronics.

-Ed?

-Those little car things that go beep, beep

-with a granny on the back!

-LAUGHTER

Little fact about them - it's the granny that makes those noises!

-Chris?

-A tray for your belt.

-LAUGHTER

-It's a different tray.

-I can see where this is going. Chris.

A tray for your coat?

-Chris.

-They're different trays!

-Chris!

Shush position!

BUZZER Points go to Summer's team.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

BELL RINGS

High-five. Don't leave me hanging there.

That is the end of that round and the gold stars go to...

Summer's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Time now for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

This is where we give our teachers a much-needed makeover -

or should I say cake-over?

Can we play the pun bell, please?

DING! Thank you.

Now, the point is, our teams will meet four people all claiming to be

real supply teachers, but only one of them is telling the truth.

Our teams must sniff out who they think that is

and then let the pie fly.

So let's meet our teachers.

AUDIENCE BOOS Boo, teachers.

Nasty, nasty teachers.

Right, today, all these people are claiming to be English teachers.

Only one of them is telling the truth.

And for a little heads-up, let's hear their CVs.

Teacher number 1 is Mrs Wood.

She's been an English teacher for four years.

In her free time, she likes taking part in battle re-enactments

in the countryside.

LAUGHTER

Teacher number 2 is Mrs North. She's been a teacher for three years.

Her favourite Shakespeare play is A Midsummer Night's Dream.

In her class, she always plays the part of Titania,

the beautiful queen of the fairies.

Teacher number 3 is Mrs Gillen.

She's been teaching English for the past 15 years.

Her favourite English fact is there are no words that rhyme with

month, orange, silver or purple.

She's never heard of the word "burple".

Teacher number 4 is Mr Thompson.

He's been teaching English for 12 years.

He thinks English is the most important subject someone can

study - the other subjects are just filling up the day.

So who do you think it is, Fin's team?

Have you got some questions? Let's narrow down the field.

-Yeah. Off the bat...

-Yeah, we've got questions.

..put your hand up if you like chewing gum.

-Oh!

-Very clever.

They're all the teacher.

-I've got a good one.

-All right.

Right...where do you teach?

Where do you teach? Number 1?

I teach in Rosyth.

-Number 2?

-Glasgow.

-Number 3?

-Rutherglen.

-Number 4?

-Falkirk.

They've just said where they're from.

LAUGHTER

-I've got a good one.

-Right, OK, Fin.

Which one do you prefer - tea or coffee?

-Oh, great question!

-Yes.

-Ah.

I want you all to answer at the same time, on the count of three.

One, two, three...

-1, 2, 4:

-Coffee.

-3:

-Tea.

-Ah!

-Who said coffee, who said coffee?

You three are lying.

-Teachers are not allowed to drink coffee in my school.

-Really?

-Why?

They're not allowed to drink coffee.

Why? Cos if you walked in class... "ALL RIGHT, CLASS!

"WELCOME!

"I'VE READ TEN BOOKS, I'VE NOT SLEPT IN A WEEK!"

Summer's team?

-I've got one, I've got one.

-Right.

I want you to tell me off for running in the corridor.

Right, so Ed is going to run in the corridor

and I'm going to pick one of you and you'll tell him off for running.

OK? Here we go.

Number 3.

Stop that, right now! No running in the corridor.

ED BLOWS RASPBERRY Don't put up with it.

-FIN:

-She's not it.

-Number 1, number 1.

Right, Ed...

a punishment exercise, and punishment...

Excuse me.

-Number 2.

-Ed, back to your seat NOW!

No, he's not having any of it.

And number 4?

Once I catch you, you're going to be a very sorry boy, Ed.

-ALL:

-Oh-h-h...

Catch me! Catch me!

Woo-oo-ee!

APPLAUSE

There you go. Number 4 said, if he catches you, you'll be sorry.

Maybe not a teacher, definitely from Glasgow.

Number 3 - you've been a teacher for 15 years.

What would you say was the major difference in teaching now

to 15 years ago?

Great question, Alex. And do you know what?

I'll dedicate a little bit of extra time just

so you can really give us the answer.

I think the main difference between my teaching now and my teaching

when I first started,

is now I know what I'm doing.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to give number 3 a bonus gold star.

TINKLING

Let's see what the audience think.

Audience, who do you think is the real teacher?

On the count of three, shout it out, loud and proud.

One, two, three...

THEY SHOUT

OK, OK. It looks like... It's tight, I think.

A lot of the audience think it's number 2.

Finley, it's time for you to...

'Pie the supply.'

Go on, Finley.

APPLAUSE

-ALL:

-Oh-h-h-h-h...

AUDIENCE CHEERS, LAUGHS

I am SO sorry.

I said, "pie the supply," not "drown the supply!"

OK...

Summer. Summer, Summer, Summer. Time for you to...

'Pie the supply.'

I hope it's not number 2.

-ALL:

-Oh-h-h-h...

LOUD CHEERS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Summer.

Summer!

Come over here.

Right, let's quickly get this over and done with.

Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

AUDIENCE JEERS, APPLAUDS

Oh... Well, look... Oh, my days.

Look, none of the you get the points, none of you get the gold stars,

but we've got one very smug supply teacher.

Give it up for the teacher.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, guys,

a bit of science now. This is Lost Words.

'Lost Words.'

This is the part of the show where I give the teams a fact with

some missing words. All they have to do is fill in the blanks.

For example, "blank" is the emptiest place on planet Earth.

The answer, of course, being,

Mr Smash's head...

HAMMERING ECHOES

..is the emptiest place on planet Earth.

OK, so... This is a buzzer round.

Fin, can I hear your buzzer, please?

HORN HONKS

Oh, bless you, Fin.

And, Summer, can I hear yours?

Bit quiet.

That's much better. OK, fingers on the buzzers.

Here is your facts. First fact...

'School disco.'

School disco!

MUSIC: "Easy Love" by Sigala

RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES

OK, back to the science round.

Under extreme high pressure, "blank" can be made from "blank"?

Dominique-ique-ique?

Under extreme high pressure, stress can be made from calm people.

Thank you.

Do you know what, Dominique? It's very true

cos, until I met you, I was a very calm person.

Any more for any more? Alex Riley from The Vun Show?

Erm, hello der.

Under extreme high pressure,

extra mature stilton can be made from Iain's socks.

AUDIENCE GROANS Yes.

Under extreme high pressure,

Chris Johnson can be made from yoghurt.

What, are you 90%?

95%, actually.

-OK.

-Yeah, fromage.

Chris Fromage Johnson... Yes, Chris?

Under extreme high pressure, farts can be made from pure fear.

Summer?

Under extreme high pressure, electricity can be made from ants.

-I've got a feeling you may have just made that up in your mind.

-Yeah.

Yes, Chris?

Under extreme high pressure, diamonds can be made from coal.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

-Do you know what, it is diamonds...

-Oh?

-..but it's not coal.

-Oh.

-But it's near enough.

It is, under extreme high pressure,

diamonds can be made from peanut butter.

-ALL:

-What?!

-No.

-The other non-renewable resource.

Look at the shock in the room.

One day in December 1955,

Robert Wentorf went out of his local food store, bought a jar of

crunchy peanut butter, spread some in the centre of a huge machine...

After leaving it for a while,

he opened it up to reveal a tiny green-tinged diamond.

I'm going to try that when I get home.

What was this machine he put it in?

-A high-pressure machine.

-Oh.

This is going to change the world. "Oh! He's proposed to me.

"He got down on one knee and put the peanut butter on my finger."

Right, here we go. Scientists...

They're clever, aren't they?

HORN HONKS Yes, Dominique-ique-ique?

Scientists have developed a way of charging your toothbrush using...

-FIN:

-Batteries.

-..batteries? No, that's not it...

He stitched you right up!

What, they've invented an electric toothbrush?

-That is the future.

-That's not what I was going to say.

Diamonds from peanut butter, now electric toothbrushes...

What next? A radio?

BELL DINGS

Is it scientists have developed a way of

charging your phone using peanut butter?

Ooh... "Mobile" is correct.

-Dominique-ique-ique?

-Charging your mobile using food?

No, no... Think more bodily function. We're thinking...

BELL DINGS Ed?

Wee?

HORN HONKS Wait. Ed, that is disgusting.

-Wow.

-No, it's disgusting.

-Absolutely vile.

-It's correct, though.

This is the BBC...

and you're right - it's correct.

Who put that up?

BELL RINGS Oh, that is all we've got time for.

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

Summer's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE IMPERSONATES A SEAL

Yes, OK. Time now for Body Language...

'Body Language.'

..where the answer to every question will be tiny three-letter words,

mostly so Yonko can understand them.

However, our teams have to spell out those words using nothing more

than their limbs and other body bits.

So let's bring down the Body Language frame thingy.

OK.

Finley's team, you're up first. How do you feel?

Dominique, do you feel nice? Do you feel good?

-Well, I've been stretching, so...

-Are you limbered up?

-Yeah.

-Nice and limber.

-Yeah, I'd say that.

-Fin, how are you feeling?

-Good.

-Good?

-Yeah.

-Yonk?

-Yeah.

-It's not my name, though, is it?

-No, it's not, Yonk, it isn't.

OK... LAUGHTER

You have until the bell to say as many words as you possibly can spell.

OK, you ready? Your time stars when I ask the first question. Here we go...

This tree grows from acorns...

-Oak?

-Yes.

Which way are we going? Are you doing the "O" or am I doing the "O"?

-You're "O". "O-A..."

-I'm "O"?

You're the first letter, that's how it works.

I didn't know if it was that direction or...

No, cos it's not Arabic - it's the normal way that a word goes.

-Are you doing a letter or a rugby scrum, Fin? I can't tell.

-I'm "A".

-Are you "A"?

-Yeah.

You look like you're in pain, mate.

What are YOU doing?!

I'm "O".

You look like you're having a baby.

Well...

I'll give you that, OK. The opposite of "lose"?

-ALL:

-Win.

-Am I "W"?

Yes!

-It's not going to change.

-I'm allowed to talk to my team.

Stop talking to me! Look! What are YOU doing?

LAUGHTER

-What are you doing?

-I'm "W".

-"W" doesn't walk like that.

-Yeah, but I can't keep them in the air.

What... You look like you're going to fart on Fin.

You'll get the point if Chris can hold it for three seconds.

-One, two...

-Go on, Chris.

-One, two, three... Got a point.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sushi is made from what fish?

-Fish.

-Raw.

Yeah. Not what sushi is - sushi's a rice roll, but let's...

I still don't understand how that's an "A".

How is that an "A"?

-It's an 'A'.

-How's that...? You can't just say, "It's an 'A'."

Cos of the circle here, and then it's...

Oh, you're the tick? All right, I'll give you that.

You might get one of these on your back for doing a good job.

-I'm the "P"?

-YES!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Why do you keep giving him "A"?

Do that!

IAIN GROANS

# The holly and the... # ?

Ivy.

-You're "I".

-Am I "I"?

-You're "I".

What are you...? "I".

-I'm a dancing "I".

-But why have you got your arms out like a "T"?

I'm a capital "I" - it's the beginning of the word.

Where's the bottom bit?

-Look.

-Turn your feet outward.

You need these to row a boat.

-BELL RINGS FIN AND CHRIS:

-Oar.

Aw, time's up.

OK, Fin's team, well done.

Summer's team, please make your way to whatever we're calling this today.

Ed, do you understand how words work?

Better than Dominique, I hope.

Good. Summer, how would you do an "A"?

Oh, my days. OK...

I wish I hadn't asked.

-Alex?

-Hiya.

-Are you all right, mate?

I feel like I'm coming into your house, but you're very showbiz.

Ta-da!

OK, your time starts when I ask the first question. Here we go...

Big part of an elephant's face, small part of a mouse's face.

-Ear?

-Yes.

An "A"! AUDIENCE CHEERS

Bonus gold star to Summer.

OK, one of these stopped me getting food down me onesie.

-Bib.

-Yes.

-I'm an "I".

Let's see who does the best "B"...

LAUGHTER

Correct, correct, correct.

# ..a deer, a female deer. # ?

-Doe.

-Doe. Yes.

-Doe, a deer.

-What am I?

-An "O"... I mean, come on. "O".

Looks like you're meditating and pooing at the same time.

The part of your jacket that has tiny little teeth.

-Zip!

-Zip!

Oh, I see a peach of a "Z".

Do a "Z", Ed.

ED GRUNTS, AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Keep your arm a bit lower.

Well done.

You might put an egg in this.

-Bap?

-Bap?!

Cup, cup.

No, the "C" is not curvy enough, Ed.

-Nope, still not curvy enough.

-Get down!

That's better. There we go, I'll give you that.

Opposite of her.

-Him!

-Him!

LAUGHTER

Put your arms like this.

Alex, I'll give you the point if you do it facing the other way round.

Just do it, just do it.

There we go.

HE GROANS

Oh, no-one's got to see that.

-Not he, but...

-Him?

-No, not he. "Oh, it's not 'he', that's embarrassing."

-She!

What...?

-What was the?

-She!

-She!

Oh, Alex missed it! Alex missed it.

THEY BICKER

All right, guys, give them a round of applause. Job well done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, at the end of that round,

I can tell you that the gold star goes to...

Summer's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's just about that.

All that remains is for me to add up the scores,

so let's bring down the stars.

STARS TINKLE, AUDIENCE GASPS So the winners today are...

Summer's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, my God.

-Yes!

-Yes!

Congratulations, you have a lifetime supply of feeling excellent.

Unfortunately for Fin's team, you have a fate worse than

gym in your pants - it's detention with Mr Smash.

Time for you to take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Loser!

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Loser!

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Loser!

# Losers. #

So, guys, that's your lot. Hopefully, catch you again soon.

As ever, we didn't learn much, but I tell you what -

it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-ALL:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

HIGH-PITCHED: See ya!

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE