Episode 4 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

BELL RINGS

THEY SPEAK COMIC JIBBERISH

ROARING

ROBOT WHIRRS

OCTOPUS GROWLS

DOG BARKS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ye-e-e-e-e-e-eah!!!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What...? What's happened? What's this? What's happened here?

LAUGHTER

You've... LAUGHTER

Just embarrassment in front of... Let's get on with the show.

Hello, everyone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling and this is The Dog Ate My Homework,

a game show you can all play along with at home.

Although, if you shout your answers at the TV,

I can't actually hear you. LAUGHTER

So let's meet our te-e-e-eams! APPLAUSE

On my right, a boy who failed his woodwork exam

by making a chair out of bits of wood and sticky tape.

The judges said he didn't quite nail it.

-It's Isaac, everyone.

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

And on Isaac's team, someone who played a news reporter on DNN.

What an easy job, just sitting behind a desk,

talking to the camera...

Oh, yeah. It's Dominique Moore, everyone.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And on Isaac's team, a man obsessed with time travel.

In fact, he was voted the man most likely to invent time machines

back in his class...

of 2057. LAUGHTER

It's Stuart Goldsmith, everyone.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And on my left, a girl that in cookery class

was so good at making margarine,

her school report said, "Could do butter", it's Kiera.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And on Kiera's team, someone whose teacher said

he was destined for great things and he certainly "grates" on me.

It's CBBC's Chris "Yonko" Johnson.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

The Yonko-meister himself.

And finally, a lady who at school was in a class of her own.

Or as normal people call it, detention.

-It's comedian Susan Calman.

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

So, that is today's panel. It's all about school, guys.

Is this a good time to let you know about our team name?

-Now you've brought it up.

-It's a made-up word, isn't it?

-Oh, what's your team name?

-Is it a made-up word?

-Sort of.

We've made it up but other people have used it.

-You've made it up now...

-But other people have used it.

LAUGHTER

-I totally get what you mean.

-CHRIS:

-I have no idea what's going on.

So you heard a word and then you thought,

"That's a good word. I'll make that up."

-No, it was.. We made it up as a team.

-Even though it's already...

-Cos Isaac's from Bristol.

-Right.

-And I was born in Bristol,

so we wanted to call our team name the Beanheads.

And I wrote "Bean" and I was hoping someone down that end

would have written "Heads", then we could have gone...

But now we've got quite a lonely team name. We're just called Bean.

LAUGHTER

What do you guys think?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yay! They like it, so...

-They eventually like it. Good.

-Yeah.

It's a very good team name. Well done.

We've got team Bean. Have you guys got a team name?

We didn't think we needed a name, to be honest.

I didn't think you did either,

but Dominique's come in with the rules that she's learnt.

-What would you like to call it?

-The Toilet Plungers.

-The Toilet...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, we've got team Bean and team Toilet Plungers.

Let's get on with the sh-o-o-o-o-ow.

APPLAUSE

This is how the show works.

Each team will compete in a series of rounds.

Win the round and you'll win yourself a shiny golden star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

But be warned! If I hear any nonsense,

any tomfoolery or any higgery-jiggery-pokery -

whatever that is - I can take those stars away,

wafting them with my massive man-hand.

Woo, woo!

Get out of my studio, you naughty golden star!

LAUGHTER

Oi! Oi!

Don't give me that cos you know fine well it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

Yes, the team with the most points at the end will be crowned...

# Champione, champione. #

Yes, they'll be crowned champions, while the losers will face detention

with a man less charming than a teacher's handkerchief.

It's Mr Smash.

AUDIENCE BOOS

MR SMASH GRUNTS AND SHOUTS

LAUGHTER

MR SMASH GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS EXCITEDLY

GLASS SMASHES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's get on with the sh-o-o-o-o-ow.

-This is Stick To The Point. VOICEOVER:

-Stick To The Point.

This is a game that can be played by all the family.

All you need is a family and a big stick like this one.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-Oh, yes, you like that!

This is available from all good stick shops. Here are the rules.

I give the teams a topic and then point this stick at one of them.

They then give me an example of that topic.

If they fail to answer, repeat an answer or just talk gibberish,

then I put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Lovely work. The winner is the last team talking.

OK, guys, if you're ready,

your first topic is Green Things You Eat. Dominique.

Bogey.

LAUGHTER

-No, I don't eat it, but some people do.

-Susan.

-Brussels sprouts.

-Isaac.

-Cauliflower.

-Chris.

-Broccoli.

-Stuart.

Cauliflower isn't... I know I'm arguing against our team here

-but cauliflower...

-So, don't do it!

-They're green, they're green!

Wait a second, Stuart, you're right. Cauliflowers are white.

-Isaac... Isaac, get...

-He said lettuce.

Get in the shush position

and look over to Stuart and give him a big thanking smile.

LAUGHTER

Isaac, neither of your teammates understand what is going on here.

-Kiera.

-Peas.

-Stu.

-More peas.

-LAUGHTER

-They are!

-Sabotage!

-Shush position.

You've now got Dominique on her own. Here we go.

Three on one. OK, Kiera.

-Cucumber.

-Dominique.

-Mint.

-Chris.

-Kale.

-Dominique.

-Ha...

-LAUGHTER

Wait, is this the game where you're allowed to hesitate or not?

Cos if it's not, then I won't hesitate.

But if I can, then I'm going to say green peppers.

LAUGHTER

-That was good!

-Shush position.

-Oh!

What are you talking about? You can't hesitate!

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Boo!

-Don't you dare boo me!

-Yes!

AUDIENCE BOOS

I've lost them, I've lost them. Not shifting it, Dominique.

The points go to Kiera's team in that round.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, next, Words Associated With Winter.

-Yonko.

-Snow.

-Stu.

-Flakes.

-Kiera.

-Trees that are white.

LAUGHTER

-Trees that are white.

-You don't get white trees.

You get white Christmas trees.

You're not meant to be biased to a team.

You're not meant to be talking!

LAUGHTER

-You can't help other teams.

-I'm not helping anyone!

You are, because you suggested Christmas trees,

-white Christmas trees.

-I said trees are white.

-They're not though.

-You can get white trees.

-You're thinking of cauliflowers.

Will everyone stop discussing white trees?! Stu.

-Tinsel.

-Chris.

-Icicles.

-Dominique.

Christmas songs. # We... #

Come on, team!

LAUGHTER

-Great teamwork.

-# We...

# We... #

# Will, we will rock you

ALL: # We will, we will rock you. #

-That's where we were going with that.

-Kiera.

Cold...water.

LAUGHTER

I would have accepted ice.

Unfortunately, I cannot accept cold water.

Shush position, please, young lady. Thank you.

-Isaac.

-Snowball fight.

-Susan.

-Lovely warm lentil soup. Lovely pot of soup on the stove.

Oh, lovely. Errrr... LAUGHTER

-Isaac.

-Snowboard... Snowman building.

It was a hesitation, I'm afraid, mate. Shush position. Susan.

-Dressing as an elf for fun.

-LAUGHTER

Sometimes it's nice to dress as an elf,

then when the postman comes, he gets a nice surprise.

LAUGHTER

You get a bonus gold star for that mental image.

-A package for me, sir?

-Whoa, Santa will be so glad it's arrived!

-Clever. Dominique.

-Rudolf.

-Chris.

-Extra thick socks.

-Dominique.

-Mince pies.

-Dominique.

-Mince pies. I already said it.

-Dominique.

-You can go to someone else now.

-I know I can,

but I'm not, but I'm not, but I'm not. Dominique.

-Notebooks.

-LAUGHTER

-You know, for making all your Christmas notes.

-Yeah.

-Shush position.

-Oh!

-Yonk.

-Snowboarding.

-Stu.

-Donner.

-Susan.

-Selection boxes.

-Stu.

-Blitzen.

-I can see where this is going. Stu.

-Prancer.

-Stu.

-Dancer.

-Stu.

-Dasher.

-Stu.

-Nudolph?

-LAUGHTER

-What?!

-Shush position, I'm afraid. Points go to Kiera's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

END-OF-ROUND BELL

Oh, that bell says it's the end of that round.

And at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Kiera's te-e-e-e-eam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it is now time for Lost Words.

-VOICEOVER:

-Lost Words.

This is where I give the teams a fact with some missing words.

All they have to do is fill in the blanks.

So, finger on your buzzer. Is your buzzer there?

Kiera, let's have a little listen.

BELL RINGS Lovely. And Isaac.

-HORN HONKS

-Ooh!

OK, here is your first fact. Here we go.

Students who BLANK BLANK do better in maths.

HORN HONKS

Student who have 15 fingers do better in maths.

-That's good!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If Isaac's got one shoe off, counting toes,

you know he's struggling. BELL RINGS

-Susan Calman.

-Students who have a degree in maths do better in maths.

LAUGHTER It's factually correct.

It's not what I've got written on the card here.

-HORN HONKS Stu Goldsmith.

-Cheat.

-Students who cheat do better in maths.

-Never cheat! Never cheat!

Bad cheat! I will hit you with the man-hand.

Ba-doosh! HORN HONKS

Dominique. This will be interesting.

-No, it's just what I think the fact is.

-OK, here we go then.

Students who are related to the maths teacher do better in maths.

LAUGHTER

It's good. It's very good but it's not what we've got.

BELL RINGS Chris Yonko Johnson.

Students who actually attend maths lessons do better in maths.

You must go to the maths lessons, everyone. You must go. Anyone else?

This is all important information. I'm going to give...

HORN HONKS Isaac?

Students who actually do maths do better in maths.

These are good. I'm going to give you the answer. It's...

BELL RINGS Kiera.

-Students who know what...

-Maths is.

-..E equals, they'll do better in maths.

-It's good, it's good.

I'm going to give you the answer now. It's...

-HORN HONKS Oh!

-I just wanted to do it!

-Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

-You've got to give an answer now.

Er... Students who... Help me!

BELL RINGS

I'm going to give you the answer. Students...

Stop ringing the bell! I've gone insane!

Students who chew gum do better in maths.

-No way!

-You're not allowed to chew gum in school.

-You're not allowed.

-You're not allowed!

-And that's why you're all rubbish at maths!

Right, next one. Archaeologists have shown

that people have been doing BLANK for 35,000 years.

What is it, guys? HORN HONKS

-Stu.

-I think the word is "fine".

Archaeologists have shown that people have been doing fine

-for 35,000 years.

-That's what you say, isn't it? "How you doing?"

"I'm fine, how are you?"

HORN HONKS Dominique.

Archaeologists have shown

that people have been doing dancing for 35,000 years.

What was the dancing like back 35,000 years ago, Dominique?

LAUGHTER

Famously, people 35,000 years ago couldn't move their feet!

BELL RINGS Chris.

Archaeologists have shown that people have been burying things

in their garden for 35,000 years.

Not what I've got on the card. It's a school subject.

BELL RINGS Susan Calman.

-Maths.

-Is corre-e-e-e-ect!

That's what I was going to say!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There you go! 35,000 years of maths.

END-OF-ROUND BELL

That is the end of that round and at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Kiera's te-e-e-e-eam!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, guys, think what fun is. Times it by a million, add more fun.

It's time, now, for Pie The Supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie The Supply.

In this round, we interview four possible supply teachers.

However, only one of them has genuine qualifications.

The other three all need a proper hobby.

All our teams have to do is work out who's telling the truth,

which is when they get to slam a flan in a teacher's pan.

So, let's bring out the teachers.

AUDIENCE BOOS

Boo! Booooooo!

Boo!

Boo!

Boo, boo, boo! Guys, exciting news.

Today's Pie The Supply is a deputy head teacher special.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Before you ask your questions,

let's have a little listen to our deputy head teachers' CVs.

Teacher number one is Mrs Burns. She's been teaching for 20 years.

Her greatest achievement in teaching

was being nominated for Deputy Head Teacher of the Year Award.

Open brackets, didn't win, closed brackets.

LAUGHTER

Teacher number two, Mr Henderson, has been teaching for 12 years.

While he was a student teacher,

Mr Henderson accidentally locked himself

in his own stationery cupboard.

What's he like?! Teacher number three is Mrs Smith.

She's been teaching for 15 years.

Embarrassingly, Mrs Smith once burped by accident

into the microphone while delivering a morning assembly.

Naughty, naughty teacher. Teacher number four is Miss Crockett.

She's been a teacher for ten years.

In her spare time, she likes to go for walks in the park with Elvis -

her pet pug, not the singer from the past!

LAUGHTER

OK, that is our deputy head teachers.

But only one of them is a stinking teacher.

OK, questions. Kiera's team, have you got any questions?

If your whole school's eating dinner in the hall

and they took forever eating, would you just let it off?

Tell you what I'm going to do.

-Susan, could you pick numbers at random, please?

-Yeah.

I'm eating and just chatting and I'm eating,

-but you need me to stop talking.

-OK.

-Here we go.

-Yum-yum...

-Three.

-You have to listen right now!

-Whoa.

-Yum-yum-yum...

-Two.

Behave. Have respect for others.

You're the nicest man I've ever met. LAUGHTER

"Just chill out, man, just have some fun.

"Here, give me the fork. I'll help you eat."

LAUGHTER

-Yum-yum, yum-yum...

-Four.

-Lunchtime's over. Back to class.

-ALL:

-Ooh.

Susan, I don't want to do this. LAUGHTER

If she's not a deputy head, she's in charge of a prison!

LAUGHTER

-Keep going. Number one.

-Yum-yum...

I'd like you to hurry up. We're almost ready for class.

-OK, a little insight.

-Good question, Kiera.

So, Isaac's team. Stu Goldsmith.

Number two, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A - a man.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's so sweet, I thought he'd be, like, "A unicorn".

LAUGHTER

Number four, what did you want to be when you grew up?

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Either a policewoman or a fairy.

LAUGHTER

A policewoman on the weekdays and a fairy at the weekends.

I didn't get the accent.

I thought she meant a ferry, like you put cars on.

-I can't see that happening.

-Wah-wah!

OK, one more question. Dominique, did you have a question?

-Yeah, I did.

-OK.

-I'd like each of you to show me your face

as if the photocopier's just broken

and it's really early in the morning

and you've got to teach the class, so number one, you go first.

-SHE GASPS

-Grr.

-That's good.

-OK, number two.

It doesn't really matter what...

Of course it doesn't!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Number two's like,

"Hey, guys, the photocopier's broken but we're all here.

"Think of the odds of us all being on this planet together.

"Come on, let's skip."

LAUGHTER

-OK, number three.

-Not again, I'm going to miss my meeting.

-Ooh!

-Meetings, meetings.

-She's created meetings.

-Real teachers have meetings, so...

-They do. And?

-Number four.

-LAUGHTER

-Ooh...

I thought number four was going to go...

Dff, dff, dff, dff, dff.

That'll teach you, you wee photocopier!

LAUGHTER

Mess with me!

OK, so it's time to do some pie-ing.

First of all, audience, it's a deputy head special,

this is important. Who do you think is the real teacher?

Shout now - one, two, three.

AUDIENCE SHOUT

OK, it's a mixed bag. I think most of the audience think three.

Not all, but most think three.

But now, Kiera, you have got a chance to possibly pie

a deputy head teacher in the face. Kiera, please go and...

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply.

-Off you go, Kiera. Here we go!

It's the deputy head special.

Whoa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a, look at them there!

-AUDIENCE:

-Who-o-o-o-o-o-o-oa...

SHOUTING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I tell you what, Kiera, you're a braver girl than me!

I would not have done that!

OK, Isaac, it's time for you to go and...

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply.

-Here you go. Off you go.

APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE:

-Who-o-o-o-o-oa...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, would the real deputy head teacher please step forward?

Oh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to Kiera's te-e-e-e-eam.

APPLAUSE

OK, some career's advice now in a round

we like to call Who Do You Think You Are?

For this round, I ask our celebrities to put their face

-in the Hole of Fame. VOICEOVER:

-The Hole of Fame.

We'll then give them the body of a much more famous celeb.

All they have to do is guess who they think they are

by asking only "yes" or "no" questions.

-OK, so... VOICEOVER:

-The School Disco.

-School Disco!

MUSIC: Blame by Calvin Harris ft John Newman

# Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo

# Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo

# Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. # RECORD SCRATCHES

OK, Susan, time for you to stick your head in the Hole of Fame!

-VOICEOVER:

-The Hole of Fame.

You can leave your worries at one side

cos I'm about to make you incredibly famous.

Brr-ba-ba-ba-ba!

Lovely! LAUGHTER

Susan, you're looking absolutely fan...

OK, "yes"/ "no" questions, Susan. Work out who you are.

-Am I human?

-ALL:

-No.

-Am I a superhero?

-ALL:

-No.

-Am I a lizard?

-ALL:

-No.

-LAUGHTER

-Am I an animal?

-ALL:

-No.

-I'm not a human, animal, lizard or superhero?

-No.

-Am I a robot?

-ALL:

-No.

-What else is there?

-STUART:

-That's all the things.

-Am I...?

-You are a male thing.

-I'm a male thing. But not an animal?

-No.

-Am I a cartoon?

-Yes.

-Oh...

-OK, so I'm a cartoon character.

-Am I from a film or a TV series?

-A film.

-A film?

-Yes.

-A modern film?

-Yes. Film, yes.

-Can I give her a clue?

-Yeah, give me a clue.

-No, you can't give her a clue.

-In which case, I shan't.

-It's "despicable" that you wanted to give her a clue.

-Despicable...

It's... I know! I know! I'm a Minion!

-ALL:

-Yes!

I only know that because my niece likes it when I go...

-AS MINION:

-"Urgh, bottom."

-LAUGHTER

If you name what Minion you are, we'll give you a bonus gold star.

-Am I Bob?

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

Stu, time for you to stick your head in the Hole of Fame.

-VOICEOVER:

-The Hole of Fame.

OK, Stu, it's time to make you much more famous.

Streee...

LAUGHTER Lovely! Lovely!

Yeah!

Check it... LAUGHTER

Look to your right. And up a bit.

LAUGHTER

Blow a kiss.

Ah...

OK, so, Stu.

-Am I a human?

-No.

-Ah-ha!

-I'm a famous... Am I an animal?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-Am I a singer?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-You say... You're known for singing.

-I'm know for singing.

-Am I a dog?

-No.

-No.

Am I a land animal?

No.

-You're an amphibian.

-Yes.

-Am I an amphibian?

-Yes.

-Pretty sweet guess, guys. Um...

-An amphibian that sometimes sings.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Come on, you can do it.

-Er, am I...?

-I'm not Kermit, am I?

-ALL:

-Yes!

Kermit! That is the best!

Stu Goldsmith, bonus gold star for your Kermit the Frog impression.

-AS KERMIT:

-Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Muppet Show.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Stu.

At the end of that round, a gold star goes to Isaac's te-e-e-e-e-eam.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

With much sadness, we get to the end of all the shenanigans.

But who are today's number ones and who are today's...

number twos?

LAUGHTER

Let's find out. Bring down the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo-oo-oo-oo...

The winners are...

Kiera's te-e-e-e-e-e-eam!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Kiera's team. You rule the universe.

Unfortunately, Isaac's team,

it's time for you to have the dog eat your homework

and you've got detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

# Losers! #

OK, guys, that's your lot.

As always, we didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

-See you next time on... AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

Sees ya-a-a-a-a.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE