Episode 5 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

Hello, everyone. I'm Iain Stirling and this is The Dog Ate My Homework.

I'm your host, you are the audience and those guys...

HE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Those guys are here.

All we need now are some guests,

so let's meet the teams!

On my right is a girl who passed all of her exams.

Literally, she drove right past the exam hall.

It's Sarah, everyone.

Present!

And on Sarah's team, someone who was really onboard as a kid,

that's because she went to surf school.

It's comedian Bec Hill.

Present.

Joining them is someone who loves guessing games at school,

or, as they're more commonly known, multiple choice.

It's stand-up superstar, Chris Martin.

Big up for Sarah's team, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on my left, a boy who never lied about his exam results,

so, with his Master's degree in advanced astrophysics, it's Cory.

On Cory's team, someone whose career is just like butter -

it's on a roll.

From DNN, it's Victoria Cook.

Here, sir!

And finally, someone who was once asked to sing

in front of their entire school.

It was the only way they could get them to escape during a fire.

It's funny man, Charlie Baker.

Here, sir!

Cory's team!

It's time now to get on with the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is how the show works -

both teams go head to head in a battle to the death.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

No, wait, no. Sorry, sorry. It's a battle for gold stars.

Sorry, I read that wrong. Sorry.

There's only two ways you can bag yourself a gold star -

firstly, you can be dead.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

No, again. No, sorry. Dead clever. Sorry. Dead clever.

Or you can just be a bit of a loon and make me laugh,

but any monkey business and I will simply take those gold stars away.

Iain, what if I gave you £5 million?!

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

I will give you a gold star.

CHEERING

-Thank you very much.

-That's cheating.

Stop messing about, guys, cos as you know, it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

-Yes.

At the end of the show, the team with the most gold stars wins,

whilst the loser faces detention with a man so scary

he comes with an 18 certificate,

which means legally, most of you guys can't look at him.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

RRROOOAAAAARRRR! RRROOOAAAAARRRR!

RRROOOAAAAARRRR! RRROOOAAAAARRRR!

BOOING

RRROOOAAAAARRRR!

RRROOOAAAAARRRR! RRROOOAAAAARRRR! RRROOOAAAAARRRR!

AAAAARRRGGGH!

HE WHIMPERS

APPLAUSE

I love a mirror.

Anyway, it's time now for the first round!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is Stick To The Point.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Stick To The Point.

A game which requires skill, speed of thought and a big stick -

my stick of pointlessness.

Yes, which I'm going to model for you right now.

Iain is modelling the Pro-Turbo Stick 3000.

It comes with handy appendage, safety grip,

and is available in Mr-Smash Red or Dog-Poo Brown.

With all the features of a stick,

this is one stick you won't want to be stuck without.

It's the Dog Ate My Homework pointing stick!

LOUD FART

I don't regret doing that. OK. We'll ask quickfire questions.

If you hesitate, repeat or just talk gibberish,

I will put you in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Lovely stuff. The winner is the last team talking. OK, we'll start now.

The first topic is things you find on the beach.

Victoria!

Water.

-That would make it the sea.

-Oh, no!

-BUZZER

Shush position, please.

-Chris.

-I thought you were going to call me Crisp. Sand.

You hesitated. BUZZER

-Shush position.

-You said my name weird.

I didn't say your name weird! My school, my rules. Charlie Baker.

-Shells.

-OK. Sarah.

-Rock pools.

-Yes, please. Cory.

-Sand.

-Yes, please.

See that, mate, that's how you do it. He's a child. OK. Charlie.

Sleeping grandads.

Yes. They love a sleep on the beach, a grandad.

"Let's go somewhere fun so I can sleep." Sarah.

Ditches, cos, like, kids dig the really big holes.

Yeah. I fell in one, one time.

Cory.

-Umbrellas.

-Yes, please. Sarah.

BUZZER

-I was going to say umbrellas, though.

-Yes, but you didn't.

Shush position, please.

For the chatterbox. Charlie.

-Pedalo.

-Yes, please. Bec.

Towels.

Yes, please. Cory.

-Blankets.

-Bec.

Theme parks.

-Yeah, you can.

-You're in the shush position!

-Sorry.

-Get in it! Charlie.

-Dropped ice creams.

-Yes, please. Bec.

-Non-dropped ice creams.

-Oh! Cory.

-Rocks.

-Bec.

-Molluscs.

-Yes!

Get in the shush position! SARAH GIGGLES

Shut up!

Stop it!

Charlie.

-Dried-out seaweed.

-Yes, please. Bec.

-Tourists!

-BUZZER

Shush position!

Star goes to Cory!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The next one is things that wake you up. Things that wake you up. Sarah.

-Sisters.

-Yes, please. Cory.

-Monsters.

-Yes, please. Bec.

Needing to pee.

It gets worse as you get older, children.

-Victoria.

-When you do a big snore.

SHE SNORTS

You've snored yourself awake?

Not me, like... Just, you know, like my friend.

What's your friend's name?

Mictoria?

-Yeah, Mictoria.

-Chris.

-Nightmares.

-Oh, yes. Charlie.

-My mum.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Wait, wait, wait, don't "Aw". Now?

-Yeah, she stays over sometimes.

-She gets you up in the morning?

-Yeah, cup of tea. Or my dad.

That was my next answer.

-You've ruined it.

-I've gone two for one.

I've ruined it for anyone now.

-Bec.

-Alarm clocks.

-Yes, please. Chris.

Cat running across your belly.

Yeah.

-It can happen.

-That would wake you up.

-It would wake you up.

It would wake you up -

let's just mention really weird stuff. Victoria.

When your hamster snores.

I can see where this is going. Bec.

Breaking wind.

I did. I once farted really loudly in my sleep and it woke me up.

My dad once farted in his sleep and thought we were being robbed.

Honestly, true. That is honestly true.

Where did he think he was robbing?

I don't know. He just went... "Oh, there's someone in the house!"

Bec.

-Sunshine.

-Yeah. Cory.

-Alarm clocks.

-BUZZER

We've had that. All right. Shush position, please. Sarah.

-BUZZER

-Doorbell!

-The doorbell.

-Shush position. Victoria.

Your dressing gown.

No, no, no.

You know when you're asleep and then you wake up

and you see your dressing gown hanging on the door and you go...

-Aaaagh!

-Charlie.

If you're camping, the sun.

BUZZER We've had the sun.

-It was called sunshine by its full name.

-Shush position.

That's Australian sunshine. It's different.

No, get in the shush position. Vic.

Your nose whistling.

You sound like the loudest sleeper of all.

SNORING/BURBLING/FARTING

"Oh, me dressing gown!" Chris.

-The sound of Victoria. I can hear her.

-Victoria.

When your dog wees on you.

Bec.

When your poster falls down halfway through the night

and there's that sound.

It's true! It's true!

Above your head, it falls on you.

"Ah! Get off me!"

Chris.

The thought of seeing you for an afternoon. That wakes me up.

I had a terrible sleep last night.

Shush position. BUZZER

Bec.

-The tooth fairy.

-Vic.

Christmas trees!

In the shush position. I'm giving the points to Sarah's team there.

BELL

It's time up. The gold star goes to...

both of you. It's a draw.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Pie The Supply.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Pie The Supply!

Yes. Here at Iain's School of Being Fantastic,

we're looking for a new PE Teacher for the day.

All teams have to do is guess which is a real teacher

and which is less qualified than Mr Smash.

So let's bring out our teachers.

BOOING

Terrible teachers trying to improve children's futures. Boo indeed!

One is a PE teacher. The other three are big fat phoneys.

Which are which?

Cory, first impressions - which looks like a PE teacher,

which ones don't? What are you thinking?

Number 2 looks a bit like a PE teacher.

Number 2 has got the gear.

Yeah, she looks a bit strong as well. Strong woman.

Yeah, but number 4 looks like he's been outside.

Yeah.

I think number 4 looks like, you know...

I mean, number 4, just for the record,

is doing that thing blokes do when they get their photo taken

when you go, "Take my photo.

"This is how I look all the time, mate.

"I'm not even doing anything, eh?"

I don't think PE teachers wear glasses. I don't know why.

Number 3, you look too clever to be a PE teacher.

-SARAH:

-He looks like a maths teacher.

No offence to the actual PE teacher.

Everyone is going past number 1,

that's why I think, secretly, maybe she is.

Number 1 looks like she forgot to dress like a PE teacher

and the BBC have gone, "Quick, stick on this hoodie."

I'll tell you what - help you out,

I'm going to read out our teachers' CVs.

A little fact about all of them. Here we go.

Teacher number 1 is Miss Hart. She's been a PE teacher for nine years.

She fell in a swimming pool during a lesson

and plays competitive Scrabble in her spare time.

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

Teacher number 2 is Miss Manley.

She's been a PE teacher for three years.

Whilst showing her class how to throw a javelin,

she accidentally farted.

Teacher number 3 is Mr Mgomi.

He's been a teacher for 16 years.

He once lost a 100m sprint to a 12-year-old pupil during sports day.

Mr Gillespie has been a PE teacher for a year.

During a gymnastics demonstration,

he ripped his trousers right up his bottom in front of a whole class.

So who do you think it is?

Cory's team, you can ask some questions now.

They can speak,

so have you got any questions for our budding PE teachers?

Could number 4 show us how to do a shot put?

He looks like he could do a good shot put.

Sure.

-Whoa!

-He looked like he could do it.

Oh. Number 1, could you show us the hammer throw, please?

LAUGHTER

-I don't think it's number 1.

-No, wait.

Let number 1 do her hammer throw.

Don't look at the PE teacher and ask!

Cory, can you do the hammer?

You spin round... That's it, that's it.

Yes, Cory!

So, there you go, Cory. You're the PE teacher and you're getting pied.

All right, Cory, have you got another question?

What are your favourite sports to teach?

All right, number 3, favourite sport?

-Rugby.

-OK, number 2?

-I like doing dancing.

Oh. Curveball. Number 4.

Ultimate Frisbee.

I mean, no-one saw that coming.

Is number 4 a Frisbee salesman?

"Ultimate Frisbee."

Number 1, what's your favourite sport?

-Netball.

-There you go.

-Classic.

Anyone got any more questions?

-SARAH:

-What is the point of the rope that you have to climb up in school?

OK, we'll start with 2.

If you're cheeky, you get to climb that rope.

Oh! As a punishment. Number 1?

-To strengthen your muscles.

-IAIN LAUGHS

-Very vague.

-I want it to be number 1 so much!

-Number

-4? So you can reach heights others fail to.

Oh!

I want you to hug me right now.

I think number 4 has too much hope to be a PE teacher.

He's a motivational speaker.

"Guys, one day you can live in a paradise

"where we can all play Ultimate Frisbee."

Finally, number 3?

-Upper-body strength.

-Upper-body strength.

Is the correct answer.

All right, OK, audience, who do you think it is? Shout out on three.

One, two, three. Who do you think is the teacher?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

OK, guys, either a lot of people think it's number 2

or a lot of people are doing Winston Churchill impressions

for no reason. We don't know.

Cory, it's time for you to come over and...

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Pie the supply!

One of them is a teacher. Let's hope he gets the teacher. Here we go.

ALL: Ooooooh!

APPLAUSE

OK, Sarah, time for you to...

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Pie the supply!

OK, here we go.

AUDIENCE: Ooooooh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I didn't mean to do it that hard.

It was a good throwing technique.

-That was the most brutal thing I've ever seen.

-I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to do it that hard.

-CHRIS:

-She got so excited.

-CHARLIE:

-I liked number 4's old nose.

He looked like a PE teacher, now he looks like a former rugby player.

Right, if it's not number 4 now, Sarah, you're in a lot of trouble.

OK, would the real supply teacher please step forward.

Oh!

Whoo!

Oh, he's a good sport. Right, quickly, quickly,

while they're drying off, Cory's team, why number 2?

She was wearing the proper trainers and everything!

If you hadn't worn those shoes, you'd be pie-free!

Sarah's team, why did you assault number 4?

He just looked really, you know, muscly

and he looked like a PE teacher that you would see at my school.

I do not want to be a PE teacher at your school.

OK, at the end of that round, the gold star goes to Sarah's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, now time for drama in the show everyone is calling Mime Craft.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Mime Craft!

This is where I ask one member of each team to take to the stage

and act their socks off.

They'll have to act out musical activities

as displayed on the flippy thing.

The rest of their teams have to guess what they're doing.

First to go is Sarah's team.

Sarah, who do you think should mime their own business?

Um...

I think Bec.

All right, Bec, you'll please make your way to the mime area.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Watch the door, watch the door, watch the door!

Oh, lovely.

Oh, flyscreen.

-Oh.

-Very Australian.

Yeah, very Australian.

Bec, your time starts when Sarah flips over the flippy thing.

Sarah, take it away.

-Drums.

-Yes.

Oh.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Bagpipes.

Yes. Gold star for the accent.

-Singing. Vocals.

-Opera.

-Choir.

-Choirs!

Yes.

-Triangle.

-Yes.

Keep going.

-Oh, if you get this, I'll be very impressed.

-Trombone.

-No.

Rubbish bagpiper.

-It looks like you're playing a hippo.

-Oh, come on, it's massive.

Brass section.

-Oh, tuba.

-Yes!

Flute!

-I know what it is!

-Harmonica.

-Harmonica.

Drums. Oh, no.

Drum kit.

-Pass.

-BUZZER

Xylophone.

Maracas!

-Football!

-BELL

-What was it?

-Vuvuzela.

-What was it?

-Vuvuzela.

Cory, who do you want miming for your team?

-Look at that.

-Vic.

-Yeah!

All right, on you go, Vic. VIC GIGGLES

Vic, if you just want to take the elevator down to the miming area.

OK.

Lovely. Lovely. OK, Vic. Oh, lovely, up and down.

Vic, your time starts when Cory flips over the first board.

Here we go.

Piano.

Yes, please.

-Violin.

-Violin.

Yes, a very small one, apparently.

-Guitar. Bass guitar.

-A type of guitar.

-Electric guitar.

Lead guitar, electric guitar.

-She's moving like a type of person from a country.

-Flamenco.

Spanish guitar.

Yes!

No, that's not how you play that.

Pass.

-Harp.

-Harp.

Yes.

-Trombone.

-Trombone.

Guitar. Ukulele.

Ukulele, guitar.

-Electric guitar.

-Stop cleaning windows.

Show guitar.

-No.

-Pass.

Banjo. You were looking for.

-Bass guitar.

-Yes.

I mean, they're all very similar instruments this side.

-Another guitar.

-Yep, another guitar. Smaller than a banjo.

Ukulele.

Ha! It's all the same.

The Proclaimers!

Cello!

Spanish castanets.

What?! Amazing!

So good at this game.

-Frying pan. Bacon and eggs.

-Pan, it's a pan.

Timpani, timpani drums.

BELL

-Steel pans!

-Time is up.

I can reveal that the winner of that round

and getting themselves a gold star is...

Cory's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. English now in a round we call Body Language.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-Body Language!

Ooh, hello.

This relies on our teams' spelling not being sketchy

and their bodies being a little bit stretchy.

Both teams take it in turns to spell out a series of three-letter words

using nothing but their legs and arms.

Cory's team, you're up first.

Right, now, we need to call down the Body Language Frame!

Guys, you're looking great. Charlie, how do you feel?

Frame-ous.

AUDIENCE GROANS

How do you feel, Vicky?

I feel great!

Cory, how do you feel?

Special!

That's all you needed, a bit of pizzazz, mate.

Yeah. Sorry, mate.

Guys, you've got until the school bell rings

to get as many correct answers as possible.

Your time starts when I ask you the first question.

I'm about to ask you the first question. Good luck. Here we go.

Ghosts might say this to you.

-Say the answer and then spell the answer.

-Boo!

-Boo.

-Boo!

-Oh.

-Where's your B?

-That's the B!

What are you doing?! What's this part doing?!

There you go. What noise would a human cow make?

What noise would a human cow make?!

What are you doing?!

Moo! Muh!

You're doing the letter, not the animal!

That's a "muh", that's a "muh".

-How is that a "muh"?

-OK.

Are you a little teapot? What are you doing?

Look, watch the child show you how to do it.

There you go, there you go.

Use this to cool down on a hot day. Iain's got loads of them.

-Fan.

-Fan!

-Another A.

-What is that?!

Why are you using your tongue?!

Do that. Do that.

Look at Cory. Watch Cory!

-Do your A. Charlie.

-Yeah.

-Don't trump.

OK. Short for tuxedo.

Tux.

T. I mean, it's the easiest one. It's the easiest one.

-You're a U.

-That's it. Good U, Cory.

Oh, look at that!

CHEERING

Bonus star for Cory.

You can have this boiled, scrambled, fried or poached.

-Egg!

-Chocolate.

Chocolate?!

Stop sticking your tongue out all the time!

Do that, do that.

Do a G, are you doing a G?

-Put your hands together.

-This is a G, I think. No, that's a G.

-You've got a G, Cory.

-I know, I'm trying.

-Put your hands together, Cory.

-Put your hands together, Cory.

Then get your leg out.

Finally, short for laughing out loud.

LOL.

She got one right! She got one right!

There you go. Bonus point for Victoria.

BELL Oh!

OK, well done, Cory's team. Please take a seat.

Sarah, get your team over to the whatever this is called!

CHEERING

-BOOMING VOICE:

-School disco!

School disco!

MUSIC: All Night by Icona Pop

# We can do this all night

# Yeah, everything is all right

# We got the keys to open paradise, yeah, paradise

# It feels like... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Guys, are you all ready?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

OK, your time starts when I ask the first question.

You've got until you hear the school bell. Your first question is...

It's right under your nose.

Moustache. No.

Lip.

What are you doing, Chris?

That's better.

If a huge monster was chasing you, you would?

Run!

I was going to say poo.

LAUGHTER

It looks like that's what you're about to do.

My name spelled wrong!

It's got two I's in it!

Why are you doing yoga?

I'm doing my downward dog.

I think this kind of looks like the evolution of man.

Yeah, a little bit.

Something you shouldn't do in the swimming pool. Not poo.

Scottish term for small.

Oh, wee.

It's "wee", you Australian and English dafties.

I don't know whether to do a capital or...

Just do what you... Vibe it, vibe it.

Who ate the homework?

-Dog.

-Correct. Get it spelt.

G is tricky, G is tricky.

Is that a G?

No, that looks like you're doing the crane kick from Karate Kid.

-Anyone got a G?

-Is that it?

-Are we giving them that?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, go on, then. Animal's coat.

Fur.

Fur.

I feel like I need to...

Your time is going to run out!

I'll give you that, I'll give you that.

-You get this on if you play football.

-A dressing gown.

-No.

-Kit. Kit!

BELL Oh, time's up. Mud.

I'm not going to lie to you, we ran out of questions

and I made that last one up.

Animal's coat - fur. Nothing. Nothing.

I went on the fly, it wasn't great.

All right, Sarah, well done. Please take a seat.

So, at the end of that round,

I can tell you the gold star goes to Cory's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's the end of the show.

All that's left for me to do is run a hot bubble bath,

lie back and listen to some jazz.

Sorry, that's tonight. Right now, I've got to do the scores.

Please, bring down the stars!

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

I can tell you that the winner is...

Cory's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means, Sarah's team, it's detention with Mr Smash

and time for the dog to eat your homework.

So please take the walk of shame.

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

# Losers! #

That's all we've got time for.

As always, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE