Episode 6 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

THEY SPEAK GIBBERISH

APPLAUSE

Yeah, whoa!

HE IMITATES A MOTORBIKE: Ning-ning-ning.

Hello, welcome to the show.

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone.

My name's Iain Stirling, this is The Dog Ate My Homework.

A cracker of a show that manages to teach you absolutely nothing.

So let's meet the teams.

On my right, a boy who recently lost his favourite dictionary.

When I asked him how he felt, he said, "I can't find the words."

It's Alfie, everyone.

Here, sir.

And on Alfie's team, a man who didn't like school, there was

too much sitting down.

It's stand-UP comedian James Acaster.

Here, sir.

James Acaster.

James Acaster.

Also on Alfie's team, someone who is known for fronting

the CBBC channel and I'm backing her for big success.

It's CBBC's Lauren Layfield.

APPLAUSE

What a lovely lady. On my left, a girl who's got a fear of boats.

I tried to reassure her, saying they don't sink often.

Usually, just the once. It's Sofina, everyone.

Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

And on Sofina's team

is someone who starred in a toilet paper advert.

Since then, his career's gone down the pan.

It's TV star Joe Swash.

Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

And joining them, a man who has a finger on the pulse,

an ear on the ground and a nose to the grindstone.

He's also brilliant at Twister.

-It's actor and comedian Dan Wright.

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's get on with the show.

Right. Here's how it works.

I set the team a bunch of challenges in which they compete for gold

-stars. In case you've never heard of a gold star before, Joe...

-Yeah.

..they're gold and they're shaped like stars. A bit like this one.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

But, beware, mess me about, any of that nonsense,

and I'll bat...them away.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww...

Hey, I know I'm a bit harsh, but fair. My parents call it mousey.

-Anyway, remember, it's Iain's school, so it's...

-Iain's rules.

At the end of the show, the winner will face global stardom,

while the loser will face detention with a man who's stronger

than a bionic elephant. It's Mr Smash.

Boo!

Oh, look, Mr Smash is polishing his trophies. Lovely, mate.

What's that one for?

Oh, the hairiest chest competition. Very nice.

HE GRUNTS

LAUGHTER

Oh!

HE GIGGLES HYSTERICALLY

CHEERING

Let's get on with the show.

-This is Stick To The Point...

-Stick To The Point.

..a game which requires skill, speed of thought and a big stick.

So let's bring down my stick of pointiness.

Right. It seems to be stuck.

Er, could everyone whistle it down, please? Whistle it down.

Let's see if that works. Come on. WHISTLING

Yeah.

No, no, that's not working. Let's try blowing.

Everyone try and blow it down. Blow it down.

BLOWING

No. All right. Stamp your feet. Let's all stamp your feet.

Stamp your feet.

STOMPING

Come on.

Oh, it's working. Come on, it's coming. It's working.

Hey!

APPLAUSE

Good work, team.

What's going to happen is I will give the teams a topic.

When I point this stick at them, they have to give me an example.

If they fail to answer or repeat an answer,

I put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Very nice. OK, let's start.

Today's first topic is things that can fly.

-Things that can fly. Dan.

-Bats.

Yes, please. Alfie.

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Birds.

-Say birds in your accent again.

Bih-rds.

"Bih-rds." I like it. Sofina.

-Peter Pan.

-Peter Pan, he can fly. James.

-Helicopters.

-Nice one. Dan.

My dinner when I don't want it.

Don't want it, you deal with it.

-Lauren.

-Er...tornadoes.

Do they...? JOE MUTTERS

I'm just going to go over to the scientist Joe Swash.

-Joe.

-Yeah, come on, Joe.

-Tornadoes don't fly.

-Of course they do.

-No, they suck. And they twist.

-Yeah, by flying.

-No. They're attached to the ground.

They're not attached to the ground.

Yeah. Comes from the ground.

Look, there's a child telling you you're wrong, Joe.

-Sofina, do tornadoes fly?

-It's debatable. Debatable.

You're still in. Dan.

Bogeys.

Yeah.

Very good move. James.

-UFOs.

-Yes, please, James. Joe.

-A glider.

-Yup. Lauren?

-Seagulls.

Horrible things. Sofina.

-Ducks.

-Yeah. Ducks fly? Yeah.

Hold on a minute.

You have a go at me about whether tornadoes fly

and you don't know whether a duck flies?

There's a type of bird that doesn't fly.

-Penguins.

-Penguins.

-That's not a duck, is it?

-They look the same. Alfie.

-Couches when they get sucked up into tornadoes.

-Yeah.

Oh, very Mary... Not Mary Poppins.

What's the one with the yellow brick road?

-Wizard Of Oz?

-Wizard Of Oz. Mary Poppins, Wizard Of Oz.

Ducks, penguins.

I'm always getting that mixed up. Dan?

-Hawks.

-Hawks, I like it.

-Lauren?

-Wrens.

-Yup.

-Joe?

-I reckon a dart.

-Alfie?

-Erm...

you know umbrellas when, like, it's really windy

and you're just like holding it and it just goes "whoosh"?

Magical umbrellas. I'll give you that.

-Sofina.

-Broomsticks in Harry Potter.

-Very good.

-That's a good one.

I'm going to give you a bonus gold star, I like that.

-Well done. James.

-Hurricanes.

-Yes.

I mean, I've been proved wrong before,

I'm not going to question it this time. Dan.

When you jump off a pogo stick, off of a mountain, into the sea,

you are flying through the air.

That's called falling. I'm going to have to

-put you in the shush position.

-Ha!

-OK, Lauren.

-The moon.

-It don't fly either!

-Of course it does.

-It's just stuck there by gravity.

-Er, it's in the air?

It's not flying.

To use the scientific term, it is stuck there by gravity.

That's what all the scientists say.

-I'm going to have to put you in the shush position.

-Yes!

-Joe.

-Quidditch.

-Quidditch?

Quidditch, what they used to play in Harry Potter.

-Yeah, but that's the broomsticks.

-They're flying, ain't they?

-No, they're not, it's a game.

-A game where they fly.

-Shush position!

They fly in the game.

-She had tornado!

-Shh!

-Why are you sucking your finger like that?

-Sorry.

-Just do that.

-All right.

-James.

-A bathtub when it gets sucked up into a hurricane.

-Yeah!

It does. Sofina.

Jumping.

No, that's jumping. Shush position.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

And that sound marks the end of the round

and I can tell you the gold star goes to...

Alfie's team.

CHEERING

-Now it's time for Pie The Supply.

-Pie The Supply.

Everyone's favourite round, unless, of course,

you're a supply teacher.

We have a vacancy in religious studies and, in a moment,

our teams will meet four people all claiming to be teachers,

but only one of them is telling the truth.

The question is, will our teams

spy and pie the supply, or pie the guy who's telling a lie?

Let's find out and let's bring on the teachers.

Boo!

Boo.

Boo.

-Yeah, boo!

-Sssss!

Boo! OK, so, guys.

-School disco.

-School disco!

# If you like it then you should have put a ring on it

# Uh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh oh-oh oh

# Uh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh oh-oh oh

# If you like it then you should have put a ring on it

# If you like it then you should have put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# If you like it then you should have put a ring on it

# Uh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh oh-oh oh

# Uh-oh-oh oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh oh-oh oh. #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

So, guys, before you make a decision

and start to question our suspected teachers, let's read out their CVs.

Here we go. Teacher number one is Miss McAvoy.

She recently retired having taught for 33 years.

Her lessons were so good that one pupil once stuck his glue stick

-on the roof.

-Oooh!

Teacher number two is Mr Warner, he's been a teacher for 15 years.

He prides himself on being strict

and once made the entire class stand for a whole lesson.

-Boo!

-Boo.

Teacher number three is Mrs MacArthur.

She's been a teacher for the past ten years.

In her spare time,

she takes part in a heavy-metal band called School's Out.

Ooh!

She's a rocker. Teacher number four is Mr Floronso.

He's taught for the past five years.

Every year, he hosts Hogwarts Day where all his pupils come

dressed as witches and wizards.

-Ooh!

-Oh, there you go, guys. One, two, three and four. Sofina's team.

Yeah.

First impressions. Looking at them.

Who looks like they could be a teacher?

Who looks like they might be an impostor? What are we thinking?

Number two definitely has a boring jumper on

that a teacher would wear.

Number two, can you smile for us?

-See, teachers can't smile.

-He can't bring himself to do it.

Right, OK, Alfie's team, first impressions.

You're looking at them, who looks like a teacher?

Who doesn't look like a teacher? What are we thinking?

-I'm terrified of number two.

-Why?

-Look at that stare.

He looks a friendly farmer.

But he's too much like a teacher.

-Yeah.

-Yes, you've found him and he looks exactly like a teacher,

looks like a strict man.

I think that's to try and lead us up the garden path,

don't believe it at all.

So who are you thinking, then, James?

-I think either number four or number one.

-Oh.

-I'm thinking.

The bookends.

Can I ask, sorry, out of all of yous lot,

who owns a lot of corduroy trousers?

-Any corduroy trouser owners?

-Anyone a fan of corduroy?

Put your hand up if you own it.

-JAMES:

-That'd be me, Joe.

-JOE:

-You're the teacher.

-JAMES:

-It was me all along. Ha-ha!

-JOE:

-It's like an episode of Scooby-Doo.

-I look like Shaggy.

-Yeah, he does.

-Green shirt.

LAUGHTER

"Zoinks, Scoob!"

I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for looking like Shaggy.

There you go.

Right, Sofina's team.

Number one and three, tell Joe off for talking way too loud,

like extremely way too loud.

Like, you've told him off a couple of times, but this is it,

like, you're fed up with him now.

Right, number one, Joe's talking too loud, on you go.

I'm sorry, Joe, but I've asked you a few times now.

Now you're disrupting the rest of the class, I'm going

to have to ask you to take some time out.

Miss, I'll definitely do detention with you.

-That was very professional.

-Professional.

OK, number three, Joe's talking.

Really get him told this time.

Joe, I want you to get out that door this minute.

I've had enough with you. Into the back...bookcase.

"Into the back bookcase"?

LAUGHTER

Do you know, I think number four looks too friendly.

Number four, tell Joe off for talking too loud.

There you go, number four, tell Joe off for talking.

Joe, can you do a bit of talking now? Just a little bit.

-Yeah, I was just going to say that I think...

-Keep quiet.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Right, we've asked a lot of questions.

Audience, what do you think?

On the count of three, shout out who you think it is -

one, two, three or four.

-MAJORITY SHOUT:

-Two!

OK, shh-shh-shh.

OK, it looks like the audience think it's number two.

-JOE:

-I've just clocked his elbows. I didn't see the elbow pads.

-He's got elbow pads!

-Let me see your elbow pads.

-Let's see them!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

OK, it's decision time.

Sofina and Alfie, who do you think is our real teacher? Sofina?

-It's time for you to...

-Pie the supply.

Off you go, Sofina. Here we go. Who is it?

You're allowed to pie whoever you want.

Oooh!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

-Iain said I can finish off the pie.

-No, you asked.

I don't want to be mean.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

I mean, that's what you get for telling Joe to go in the bookcase.

-OK, Alfie, Alfie. It's time for you to go over and...

-Pie the supply.

Here we go, Alfie.

Ohhh!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

-JOE:

-Teacher number one, you've got a bit on your shoulder.

Wait, wait, wait, please, please, please be two or three.

OK, would the real teacher please step forward?

SHOUTING

APPLAUSE

-Sofina, Sofina.

-I feel bad.

-Why did you pick number three?

Erm, I thought because...

I don't know now.

She said she'd put Joe in the cupboard.

Because she was quite strict

when she told you off and you have to be very firm.

Alfie, why number two?

-Because of the elbow patches.

-The elbow patches.

They were, like, really convincing.

-Did you wear them on purpose, number two?

-Yes.

-What do you actually do?

-Chef.

-A chef!

Make something out of that pie, mate.

OK, at the end of that round, none of you got that right,

so none of you get a gold star, but well done to our teachers.

APPLAUSE

-This is The Last Word.

-The Last Word.

Where being wrong is always right in this round.

I ask both teams a series of questions.

Rather than giving me the answer to the question they're hearing,

I want them to give me the answer to the previous question.

The team that messes up the least will get a big shiny gold star.

-Does everyone understand that?

-Yes.

-Yes, Iain.

-I don't.

So let's get on with it.

And remember, you don't answer the first question.

-What don't you do, Joe?

-Answer the first question.

You shouldn't have answered that. See what I'm doing, here?

OK, here we go. James, a princess normally marries a...?

Oh, he's good. Oh, he's good.

Dan, what does a tadpole become?

-A prince.

-Correct.

Joe, David Beckham is married to...

-A frog.

-He is.

Lauren, what do beavers build?

Erm, Victoria.

Posh Spice. Beckham.

Yes, beavers build Victoria Beckham, correct.

Sofina, name the show, Match Of The...

-Erm...

-(Dam, dam.)

-Joe's whispering loudly.

-And she can't hear it.

No, can't get it, can't get it.

Generally nightmares occur during the what, James?

-Day.

-Correct.

Lauren, when you wake up, you normally say good...

Day? Day? G'day?

Good NIGHT.

Joe, the paperboy delivers...

The morning.

Correct. Dan, you see using your...

-Papers.

-Correct.

-Alfie, windows are usually made from...

-Eyes.

Windows are made from eyes.

The eyes of the building.

Laura, finish the song.

# Diamonds are...

# Glass. #

-Correct. Dan, the Eiffel Tower is in what city?

-Forever.

Correct. Joe, Humpty Dumpty sat on the...

-Paris.

-Correct.

Alfie, the highest mountain in the world is Mount...

-Wall.

-Correct.

-Sofina, Humpty Dumpty had a great...

-Everest.

Correct.

Sorry, what was that? "Humpty Dumpty had a good..."? Yup, all right.

Are you writing these down?

-LAUREN:

-You swat, you nerd!

I'm doodling.

-That couldn't be more subtle.

-You are! Cheater.

You didn't say we couldn't do that.

James, Scousers come from...

-Fall.

-Correct.

-Dan, the film Free Willy is about...

-Liverpool.

Correct.

-Lauren, poodles, Dalmatians and spaniels are all types of...

-Whales.

Correct. Joe, rock, paper...

Dog.

-Give me that. Give me that. Give me that.

-That's not fair.

That was not called for, Iain.

-Hey, it's Iain's school, so it's my rules.

-Hey!

-Joe?

-Yes.

-The sport curling takes place on...

-The dog.

-No!

-You just pulled stuff out my book.

-I know. Use your brain.

Joe, generally in a race, medals are awarded bronze, silver or...

I've forgotten the first one.

-Joe?

-Yeah.

-Lewis Hamilton is known for...

-Gold.

-Yes!

-James, Rio De Janeiro is in what country?

-Motorcar racing.

Correct. Lauren, Madrid is the capital of...

Er...

Do you want me to tell you?

-Joe, let's see.

-Brazil.

Don't tell her the answer!

-What are you doing, Joe?

-LAUREN:

-Brazil.

-She's not on your team. She's going to get the point now.

-Thanks, Joe.

Sorry.

-She sells sea...

-Spain.

Yes.

-Joe, there are 100 what in a pound?

-On the seashore.

-On the seashore.

-No, she sells sea...

Shells?

That's... I can't give you it, though, I can't give you it.

James, the tooth fairy takes what from under your pillow?

I wasn't listening.

I wasn't listening, I was laughing because I was getting ready for Joe

to say a tongue twister and I didn't listen to what the question was.

Guess.

-Trombone.

-No.

It would have been so good if that was right.

Sofina, you eat food using a knife and...

Oh, I forgot.

-Oh, no, it's gone off the rails!

-Erm, homework.

No. Lauren, apples, oranges and plums are types of...

-Eggs?

-No!

Listen to what I'm saying!

You don't eat with knife and eggs!

Dan, Paddington Bear loves to eat what?

-Fence?

-What?

I forgot, I didn't... I forgot we were playing a game.

James, what is the first meal of the day called?

-Marmalade sandwiches.

-Finally!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Bonus gold star for James for finally getting it right.

OK, that is time up.

At the end of that round, I can tell you the gold star goes to...

Alfie's team. CHEERING

Now, you may have noticed that we do things a little bit

differently on this show.

At school, you're expected to do maths in a maths class.

Here, however, you're expected to do maths in your underscads.

-Yes, it's time for Smarty-pants...

-Smarty-pants.

..where our teams have to answer a series of basic maths questions.

Once they've got their answer,

they fill up an old pair of underscads...

..like these, with a number of foamy coloured things,

to give them their technical name.

The team with the right number at the end of the game are the winners.

So, captains,

who would you like to fill their pants? With the numerical answers,

obviously. Alfie, who are you thinking?

Lauren or James? Who would looks the best in the big pants?

-I'm going to go for Lauren.

-Lauren.

There you go, Lauren. Come and get your pants on.

APPLAUSE

-OK, and Sofina. Joe and Dan.

-Er...

-It's got to be Joe, hasn't it?

-It's got to be Dan.

-Joe or Dan?

-Joe.

-Joe.

-Come on, Joe.

Come and get your great big pants, mate.

APPLAUSE

OK, you get those on and let's play Smarty-pants.

APPLAUSE

-Guys, you look great. Lauren, how do you feel?

-Really like a big baby.

-Lovely. Joe, how do you feel?

-I feel quite comfortable, actually.

They suit you. They'll be filled up with smarty-pants in a minute.

Your time starts when I ask you the first question.

Guys, here we go. How many wonders of the ancient world are there?

Go, guys, go.

Ten!

Tell them how many. Go, go, go, go.

Hurry up, Lauren, you're behind.

-AUDIENCE CHANTS:

-Lauren, Lauren, Lauren!

Go, Lauren.

Hit the buzzer, the buzzer.

The word "duo" refers to how many people?

Two, get two!

Quick, quick, quick.

Two!

Go, go, go.

Lauren, get up there.

It's pandemonium.

Two!

Buzzer, buzzer, buzzer.

How many in a baker's dozen? A baker's dozen.

-Quick!

-Is that six?

You're miles behind! Get them in your pants.

You've not got enough, Lauren.

Lauren, you've not got enough.

Lauren! BUZZER

How many Harry Potter films have there been?

Seven, seven! No, eight!

There's part one and two.

Eight!

Lauren, get the discs.

You'll need loads more, you're about ten behind.

Get them in your pants.

Carry more.

Oh!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS Time up, time up.

CHEERING

-Joe Swash.

-Yeah.

How do you feel?

I feel like I might have too many in me bucket.

-Do you think so?

-Yeah.

-Well, let's find out.

How many wonders of the ancient world are there?

See, I know there's seven wonders of the world, but it's not ancient,

-is it?

-It is seven. It's seven.

-Yes!

-How many in a duo? Two.

-Two.

A baker's dozen is 13.

And Harry Potter films, there's eight. So that's 30.

You need 30.

Let me get these other two in that I dropped out.

-No, you can't have that.

-Should I let him put them in?

Yeah!

No!

Wait, wait. I'm going to give you them. Here we go, one, two,

three, four, five...

-..19, 20, 21.

-That's close, isn't it?

-Just as well I gave you those extra two.

-Cheers, mate.

-Right, 21.

-OK, Lauren.

-Oh!

Lauren, if you're closer to 30, you steal the gold star.

-Come on 22.

-Are you feeling confident?

-No!

OK, one, two, three...

..18, 19.

CHEERING

Which means the gold star goes to Sofina's team.

And that's your lot this week.

It's time to reveal the winners and losers.

So let's bring down the stars.

Ooh!

The winners are...

..Alfie's team.

CHEERING

Alfie's team, you have won. Sofina's team, you kind of haven't.

So, Sofina's team, you get to make the walk of shame. Off you go.

-# Na-na-na na-na-na

-Losers

-# Na-na-na na-na-na

-Losers

-# Na-na-na na-na-na

-Losers

-# Na-na-na na-na-na

-Losers

-# Na-na-na na-na-na

-Losers

# Losers. #

Yes. Those guys have got detention with Mr Smash

and the dog will be eating their homework.

As ever, guys, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

The Dog Ate My Homework.

See ya!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS TO CLOSING MUSIC

CHEERING