Episode 7 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHILDREN CHEER

DOG PANTS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

BABBLING

HE STRAINS Yeah. Yeah.

Argh! Ah! Oh!

Eeeh! I'm so bendy!

Ah!

Ooh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You've ruined that!

Let's get on with the show!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Hello. I'm Iain Stirling and this is The Dog Ate My Homework -

a show that's a bit like a cake.

The guests are the raw ingredients and I'm the delicious icing on top.

But be warned, it may contain nuts.

CUCKOO CLOCK HOOTS

So, let's meet the teams.

On my right, a boy who's one seriously cool dude,

mainly cos he sleeps in a fridge.

-It's William.

-Here, sir!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

And on William's team,

a man who made a whole programme about horrible food.

His mother was furious. It's The One Show's Alex Riley!

-Here, sir!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

And finally, someone who's got terrible table manners

and awful personal hygiene.

He's basically a complete animal.

It's CBBC's very own Dodge T Dog.

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

-Oh!

Hi!

Disgusting. Disgusting.

And on my left, a girl who does an amazing impression of a teacher.

In fact, she's got to leave in a few minutes to do some marking.

-It's Caitlin!

-Here, sir.

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

And on Caitlin's team,

someone who had a very poor attendance record

at St Mary's School in Ipswich.

That's because she went to school in Birmingham.

It's stand-up comedian Shazia Mirza!

-Whoo!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

And finally on Caitlin's team,

a man who does so much travelling

he lives out of a suitcase.

I know cos I went round his house for some tea

and it got really awkward when he put the lid back on.

It's All Over the Place's Ed Petrie!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

-Yo, sir!

So, what's the show all about?

Mainly involves me sitting here being awesome,

but occasionally we might play a game,

and if our teams are any good,

they'll win themselves a shiny gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I know. They're very cute.

Anyway, teams get gold stars for being hilarious and clever,

and sometimes they get them if they just have interesting haircuts.

-Dodge.

-Hello.

-What an interesting haircut. Have a gold star.

-Thank you!

You're welcome.

But I can also take them away. Dodge.

-Hello.

-You smell like 2,000 boys in a sports hall.

-You what?!

-You're losing that gold star, mate!

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Hey, don't question me cos it's Iain's school so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

Yes, I've got a catchphrase.

At the end of the show, the team with the most gold stars wins

and are crowned the winners,

while the others get shouted at by a man angrier than a wasp

that's just stubbed its toe.

It's Mr Smash.

MACHINE WHIRS Oh, Smash has tidied up.

Your office looks great!

-Hey-hey! Yeah!

-What have you got there?

HE GRUNTS AND SHOUTS What is it?

-No, no, no. That's not a vacuum, mate.

-Huh?!

-That's a leaf blower.

-Hey!

-No, no, no.

Mate, don't. No, no, no. HE GRUNTS AND SHOUTS

Argh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

OK, guys. Let's get on with the show!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

This next round is called Stick To The Point.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'Stick To The Point'.

For this game, I need a hi-tech piece of equipment

that's been developed by a crack team of top scientists

working round-the-clock in high-security laboratories

at the centre of the earth.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

a stick.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yes. Here's how it works.

I set the teams a series of questions.

I point this stick randomly at a member of both teams.

If they fail to answer, repeat an answer or simply look like this...

Eh? AUDIENCE LAUGHS

..then I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff. OK. Let's do this.

Our first topic is things you can find in the sea.

-Dodge.

-Walrus.

-Walrus.

-Walruses. Walruses.

-Shazia.

-Jellyfish.

Yes, please.

-William.

-Whales.

Whales. What, the country or the...?

The big fish things.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

They're actually mammals.

Smug sip.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Ed.

-Plastic bags.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Not with the new improved five pence charge, they're not.

Political sip.

-Dodge.

-Dog eggs.

Oh, what?!

-True, true. You can find dog eggs.

-In the sea?

Yeah. Accidents happen, Ed.

That is the last time I'm taking you to the beach.

-Caitlin.

-Dinner.

-Dinner?!

Yeah. Like cod and salmon and stuff like that.

HE LAUGHS

AUDIENCES CLAPS AND CHEERS

-I'm going to give you a bonus gold star.

-Yeah!

-Alex.

-Waves.

Yes. IN the sea.

Are you trying to tell me there are no waves in the sea? Come on.

Come on. Have a sip of water and think about it.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

-Shush position.

-Hey!

-Oh!

-Caitlin.

-Sand.

Yes, please. Dodge.

I was going to say sand.

Mm?

Can you retract that, please, so I can say it?

Guess what - shush position, please. HE WHIMPERS

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Don't you dare fall for that!

Stop it! HE BARKS LIKE A SEAL

-HE GRUNTS LIKE A SEAL

-Seal! A seal!

Get in the shush position.

And you just made the next answer very easy for the next people.

-Ed.

-Seal.

-Yeah. Correct.

William.

-Um...

-Shush position!

-Points go to Caitlin's team!

-Yay!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Next topic is things that make you feel sick.

-Dodge.

-Toe cheese.

Eugh.

I thought he said t'ai chi at the beginning.

"Oh, welcome to toe cheese."

-HE WHIMPERS Ed.

-Ferries.

-Ferries? Oh, yeah. Seasick.

-Mm.

-Yeah.

Fairies?

-Not fairies.

-Oh.

-I like fairies.

-I like fairies.

-William.

-Marzipan.

-Marzipan?

-Yeah.

-I don't like the consistency.

-It's disgusting.

-Caitlin.

-School dinners.

-School dinner. Eugh!

Eugh! Yuck! I had my own packed lunch.

-Alex.

-Sour milk.

-Yes, please. Shazia.

-Brussels sprouts.

-Oh, disgusting.

-Disgusting.

-Eugh! Dodge.

-Octopuses.

-Why do they make you feel sick?

-They're just weird.

They've got all them legs and eyes up here.

They don't. They've got two legs and six arms.

-Ew!

-Fact.

-It's weird, Iain.

-Fact. That's a fact.

-Eugh!

-Alex.

-Too much chocolate.

Yes, please. Caitlin.

-Feet.

-Feet.

One person just went, "Eugh! I've got feet!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS Alex.

-Somebody vomiting right next to you.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ew!

Maybe a bit goes in your eye.

And that is why Alex wears glasses.

-Caitlin.

-Uh...

Shush position.

-Dodge.

-Your attitude.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Bonus point. Go on.

-Um, you know...

-Bonus point.

-Go on, then. Bonus gold star.

-Yay!

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

Bonus gold star. I'm not happy about it.

-Shazia.

-Socks.

-Ed.

-Uh, your face...

-Ah!

-Shush position!

-Aw!

-Shush position!

-William.

-Meat when it's not cooked properly.

Yes, please. Shazia.

Driving along the motorway and you smell dung.

You shouldn't keep it in your boot. That's what I think.

-Alex.

-Uh...

Shush position.

-Shazia.

-Horses.

-HE LAUGHS

-Horses. They stink. They smell.

-All of them?

They make me feel sick.

All the little girls in the room, "But I love my pony!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-William.

-Oh...

-Shush position!

It's Dodge versus Shazia. Here we go.

-Shazia.

-The dentist.

-Dodge.

-The doctor.

-Shazia.

-The chiropodist.

-Dodge.

-The other one that does the other thing...

Shush position!

-Points go to Caitlin's team!

-We won!

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

That noise signifies the end of the round,

which means a gold star goes to...

Caitlin's team!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

Now, guys, often people stop me on the street and say,

"Iain, I wish I had a body like yours."

Thank you, general public. You're too kind.

But if you really want a showbiz bod,

then you should try entering our Hole Of Fame.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'The Hole Of Fame.'

Yes. It's time for careers advice and Who do You Think You Are?

where our celebrities stick their face through a hole

and guess whose celebrity body we've given them,

but they can only do so by asking their team-mates

a series of yes and no questions.

Fewest questions wins the gold star. OK.

Dodge, it's time for you to stick your head in The Hole Of Fame.

-Oh, yeah.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'The Hole of Fame.'

-Hi!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Oh, this is lovely.

It's like, you know the start of a film when the lion comes in?

-Roaaaaar!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Time to make you more famous.

Wiggly-diggly dog!

Yeah! AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And off you go.

Hey, am I male?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Yeah... Yes.

-Yeah.

Am I female?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-I'm good at this game.

-ALEX LAUGHS

Am I an actor?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-No.

Am I a postman?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-Am I in the movies?

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Very good.

-Thank you.

-AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

-Am I an alien?

-Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, it's not helped me at all.

How did that not help?!

How many aliens do you know from films?

-ET?

-No!

-Oh!

-Am I... Am I...

Oh, OK. All right. Do I live on another planet?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-You're an alien!

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

That's the definition of being an alien!

Hang on. Am I green?

-Yes!

-Yeah.

-Am I Yoda?

Yes!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

-Dodge, Dodge...

-What?

Put your head back in and I'll give you a bonus point

for your best Yoda impression.

-IMPERSONATES YODA:

-Ooh, little dog I am.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

Bonus gold star to Dodge T Dog!

OK.

Shazia, you're up first for Caitlin's team,

so please make your way to The Hole Of Fame.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'The Hole Of Fame.'

OK, Shazia.

It is time to make you more famous.

Shoo-da-poo-pa!

Shazia, yes-no questions.

Try and work out who it is you are. Off you go.

Am I a man or a woman?

That's not a yes and no question.

-Am I a woman?

-No.

-No.

So I'm a man?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

Am I American?

America but we like them more.

Oh, I'm Canadian.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-I'm Canadian. Am I a pop star?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

A Canadian pop star. I mean, there ain't many kind of...

Michael Buble.

-Come on. Canadian pop star.

-Ricky Martin.

-No. No.

-Who?

Ricky Martin?

HE CHATTERS What are you doing?!

-Why are you doing that?

-He had a pet monkey.

-Monkey. Michael Jackson?

-No!

-He had a pet monkey!

-He did, but he's not Canadian.

I know, but I thought I'd give it a go.

It was worth it.

I think the pet monkey is a red herring.

He did not have a red herring. He had a monkey!

Has he got any animals?

# Oh, baby, baby, baby

# Oh, come on, baby. #

# Baby, baby... #

That's every song!

-Is he old?

-No. Very young.

Oh!

Justin Bieber!

Yeah! AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Oh! Well done, Shazia.

At the end of that round, though,

the winner and getting themselves a gold star is...

William's team!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

It's time for the greatest thing on television.

I'm not talking about my face. It's Pie The Supply.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'Pie The Supply.'

In a moment, we'll present the teams

with four possible substitute teachers.

All they have to do is work out

which one has got a proper qualification

and which one has got a proper cheek being here.

Once the teams have identified who they think is the real teacher,

they will then shake their hand and say, "Jolly well done."

Just kidding. They'll pie them in the face.

So, let's bring out the teachers.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Boo to you.

OK, so, today's teachers are business study teachers,

and for our team captains, here are their CVs.

Teacher number one is Mr Manclarke.

He's been a business education teacher for 17 years.

He recently dressed up as Elsa from Frozen

and sang Let It Go at his school end-of-term concert.

Teacher number two, Mrs Palmeri,

has recently retired having taught business for 15 years.

Embarrassingly, she slept in for her last day of school.

Teacher number three is Ms Pollock. She's been teaching for three years.

Her greatest achievement in teaching so far came

when pupils voted her best dressed business teacher two years running.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Teacher number four, Mr Geng,

has been teaching business for 18 years.

In his spare time, Mr Geng is a bit of an adrenaline junkie

and has completed over 100 solo skydives.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

OK, so, Caitlin's team, first impressions.

Caitlin, you're at school.

-Who do you think looks like a teacher, who doesn't?

-Number one.

-Why number one?

-Really?

-Yeah.

Yeah, because he's got, like,

his shirt tucked in his trousers and everything.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-But so is number four.

When number four came out, I thought, "Teacher," straightaway.

-I think a real teacher tucks right into the pants.

-Mm.

Full pants tuckage.

Number four is looking at me like, "Don't you dare ask me."

What do you think, William?

You're at school. Which one looks like it could be a teacher?

-I think it's number four.

-You think number four?

-Yeah.

-Why?

I don't know. He just reminds me of a teacher.

He's just a bit nonchalant.

-Do you know what nonchalant means?

-No.

It's written on this desk.

Right, OK. So, questions. Let's narrow it down a bit.

Caitlin's team, you got any questions?

You can ask them all together, you can ask them individually.

What do you want to do?

I was just going to get him to sing that song from Frozen now.

-Just the chorus.

-Just the chorus?

-Yeah.

# Let it go

# Let it go, let it go. #

-That's all I know.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-What?!

-I would love the film if it was...

# Let it go, let it go

# That is all I know. #

It would be a very short movie.

I'm very suspicious about number one now.

-You're not happy with one at all. Caitlin?

-Yeah. Like, number four...

-Number four.

-..when did you get your glasses?

Good question.

About 2007.

You're definitely a teacher then.

-Yeah.

-Why?

Cos all the teachers get their glasses in 2007.

Number three, how many mugs have you got?

Mugs? Uh, I'd say about five.

Teachers always have a lot of mugs.

-They always steal each other's mugs.

-Is that what they do?

-Yeah, that's what I used to do.

-Were you a teacher?

-Yeah.

-Boo! Boo! AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Alex, number four looks like your evil twin.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Right, this is for one, two, three and four.

-Dodge...

-Yeah?

..I want you to pretend you've got an itchy bottom.

-Ooh!

-What do dogs do when they've got an itchy bottom?

They drag it across the carpet.

Now, one, two, three, four.

I want you to tell this pupil to stop

dragging his bottom across the carpet.

OK. Number three, you go first.

Stop dragging yourself across the floor

or it'll be the head teacher's office.

-Oh!

-Oh!

Number two.

Stop dragging yourself across the floor!

I didn't see that coming.

Number one.

Right, enough of that now.

There you are.

Sir, sir, sir!

I got a splinter when I was dragging myself across the floor.

And number four.

I warned you not to do it. You're expelled.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

That was a bit extreme!

"Are you running in the corridor? Expelled!"

OK, first of all, before our teams decide who they're going to pie,

audience, I'm going to ask you.

Who do you think is the real teacher?

On the count of three - one, two, three.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS NUMBERS

So, it's decision time.

Who do you think is telling the truth and who is telling lies?

Caitlin, it's time to...

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'Pie The Supply.'

-Off you go, Caitlin.

Come on. Off you go. Come on.

-ALL:

-Ohh!

Who's she going to pie?

Come on!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

You're meant to pie her in the face.

-I tried.

-You've given her a quiff.

Put it down.

She's not the best dressed teacher now.

William, you're up next. It's time for you to...

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'Pie The Supply.'

-OK, here we go.

-ALL:

-Oh!

AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

Number two! Number two!

Put down the pie. Put down the pie.

Sit down.

Look at William.

William's stood like that going,

"Oh, I've got a bit of pie on my fingers."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

It's got to be two or three. This is a disaster.

Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Caitlin! Caitlin!

Why did you pick number three?

Cos Shazia told me to.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS Who did you think it was?

-Number one!

-HE LAUGHS

Oh. William.

-Apologise to number two.

-I'm sorry.

Well, guys, neither of you got it right.

I guess no gold stars, but look at that.

We've got one smug supply teacher!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

OK, this next round is drama in the form of Mime Craft.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'Mime Craft.'

And in a TV studio, the crews use mime all the time.

They've written down some of their favourite phrases.

For example, the shh gesture.

That means, "Shh, everyone's filming."

And this, that means we're going live in five seconds.

And this... MOUTHS SILENTLY

..means, "Quick, everyone. Iain's coming. Hide.

"We don't like him very much." AUDIENCE LAUGHS

What have I done?!

Right, well, I'm glad I've learnt something there.

In this round, one member of each team

will have to mime whatever activity comes up,

and their teams have to guess what on earth they're playing at,

so, Caitlin, who do you want to do the miming -

Shazia or Ed Petrie?

Who looks the mimiest?

-Ed.

-Ed.

Ed, then please mime your way to the mime spot.

Whoo!

Watch out for that door. There we go. Lovely stuff.

Close it behind...

He's a very tidy mimer.

OK, Ed...

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'School Disco!'

School disco!

MUSIC: Best Song Ever By One Direction

# And we danced all night to the best song ever

# We knew every line Now I can't remember

# How it goes but I know that I won't forget her

# Cos we danced all night to the best song ever. #

RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES

AUDIENCE LAUGHS OK, so, Ed...

-Iain...

-What?

-Uh...

-Did you burst it?

-Mm-hm.

Put that down. Put it down.

Pwah!

OK. Ed, your time starts when Caitlin turns over the first card.

Caitlin, over to you. Here we go.

-Penguin.

-No.

-A bird.

-A bird. A bird.

-Ostrich! Ostrich!

-Do the full cycle! Do the full cycle!

-Hedgehog!

-No!

-Pass it! Pass it!

-Pass!

-Pass.

-Pass.

Ostrich. Emu.

Emu!

Talking.

-Pass.

-He's walking sideways!

-Old... Old man. You're lost. You're lost.

-He's lost.

-What's he using?

-You're lost.

-A compass!

-Yes!

-Picking apples.

-Right.

-Picking apples.

-More general.

-Pears. Bananas.

-More general.

-Oranges.

-More general.

-All of those things.

-Picking conkers.

Oh! Picking fruit. I'll give you that one. I'll give you that one.

-Yeah.

-Oh, there we go.

Warming your hands by the fire.

Oh, it's was more... What's he doing? He's construct...

-Building a fire.

-Yeah!

-Just look at Ed's face. Look at Ed's face.

-Horse riding.

Look at Ed's face. What is he? SCHOOL BELL RINGS

A camel. A horse.

Time up!

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

All right, William, you've not got much to beat,

I'm going to be honest with you.

Who do you want to go with -

the human being Alex or the talking dog Dodge.

-Who are you going to pick?

-Not me.

I think I'm going to have to go the human being Alex.

-Yes, Alex.

-Oh, me? You sure?

-Well done.

You're the correct species. Please make your way to the mime area.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

All right, William. Over to you. Off you go.

-A starfish.

-Yeah!

-Yes!

Good one. Nice one.

Monkey.

Um...

Oh... A monkey.

-What's going on?

-Monkey!

He's climbing.

Climbing what? What am I?

You're...

a human climbing up a tree.

Yes!

Do it. Commit. Commit.

-You're a snail.

-Worse than a snail.

-Snake.

-No.

Smaller than a snake.

Small snake.

-No.

-A smaller snake.

In the earth.

-Oh, a worm.

-Yes!

You're...

-Looking for a job.

-Map.

-Yep.

Map. You have it in map. It's close enough.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Uh, you need a poo.

Me too!

Oh...

What? You're disgusting!

-You're...

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Monkeys eating bananas.

-No, laying an egg. Laying an egg.

-It's an egg.

-Oh!

-Iain, that was really bad.

-I was breaking an egg.

-Very good. Very good.

-Thank you.

OK. That is time up. You both done equally...

I mean, you were both terrible, let's be honest,

but the winner was, and therefore getting a gold star,

William's team!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS

Guys, guys, sadly that's all we've got time for this week.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

All that remains for me is to announce the winners.

Oh, and to read you some lovely poetry.

CLEARS THROAT

"I wander lonely as a dog to fetch a stick, a mini log

"Soon I panic what to do

"It wasn't a log but a massive poo."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I'm very proud.

Everyone's going to be studying that very, very shortly.

That's my life story.

-It was, actually.

-That's my book.

It was Ode To Dodge.

Right, let's have a look at the scores.

It's time to bring down the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Oh, I say.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

The winners are...

William's team!

AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER

William's team, give yourself a pat on the back.

Caitlin's team, I'm afraid it's time for the dog to eat your homework.

You have got detention with Mr Smash.

Please take the walk of shame.

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-Losers

# Losers! #

So, as my dear old grandmother used to tell me,

"We didn't learn much but it was fun trying."

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!