Episode 8 The Dog Ate My Homework

THEY BLABBER

CHEERING

THEY GRUNT REPETITIVELY

-BOTH:

-Argh!

Hello!

Welcome to the show.

Hello, I am Iain Stirling and this is The Dog Ate My Homework -

everything you wanted to know about school but were afraid to ask.

Like, what do teachers get up to in the staffroom?

And being asked those questions, a panel so intelligent

we've had to apply special make-up to make them look more stupid.

I think we've overdone it a little bit.

OK, let's take the register.

On my right, a boy who says he absolutely loves mathematics

and loves lying about how much he loves mathematics.

It's Ki'Juan, everybody!

Here, sir. Whoo!

And joining Ki'Juan is someone who got lots of Cs in class.

He got, "See me after school," and, "See you in detention,"

and, "See you, you wee dafty, get back here!"

It's stand-up comedian Phil Wang.

Hello, Mr Stirling.

And someone who just loves baking, has a tendency to go on

about her lemon drivel cake.

-It's DNN star, Victoria Cook.

-Here, sir!

Give it up for Ki'Juan's team, everybody.

And on my left is a master of long division.

It's actually normal division, it just takes her ages. It's Grace.

Here, sir.

And on Grace's team is someone who's

funnier than a geography teacher's dress sense.

From the CBBC office, it's Lauren Layfield.

Yes, sir.

And joining Grace is someone whose brain is so full

that sometimes it dribbles out of his nose with little green

nuggets of information.

And if you think I'm lying, that's snot true.

-Give it up for Mawaan Rizwan, everybody.

-Here, sir!

-Whoo!

-Give it up for our teams.

OK, let's get on with the show, everybody.

The teams are going to battle it out in pursuit of these gold stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

But being clever and stuff isn't the only way to bag a star.

I also like funny jokes, witty asides and peanut butter sandwiches.

Provide me with any of those and you could earn a bonus star.

But beware, I don't like bad bads, backchat or ballyhoo.

And if you have any of that, I will make those stars disappear.

Oh!

Eh! I can do what I want because it's Iain's school so it's...

Iain's rules!

Who's got bellows and a catchphrase?

This guy!

At the end of the day, the team with the most stars wins

and the losers suffer a fate worse than double physics.

Yep, it's detention with Mr Smash.

And is it me or has someone got a hot date this evening?

Ha-ha-ha!

COLOGNE FIZZES

Eugh! Eugh!

Pleugh!

Argh! Eugh!

Argh! Argh!

-HE SNIFFS

-Mmm!

LAUGHTER

He gets weirder every time. Guys, let's get on with the first round.

Let's start with history. This is Lost Words.

-'Lost Words.'

-Thank you.

Our teams have to decipher which words were removed

from a collection of fascinating facts.

Like, did you know some butterflies have ears on their wings,

slugs have four noses

and it's up bad idea to eat broccoli soup

before filming a TV show?

HE FARTS

HE FARTS AGAIN Oh!

I wasn't expecting that last one. Disgusting, disgusting.

So, both teams, it's fingers on buzzers.

Grace, can I hear your buzzer? HORN TOOTS

Ki'Juan, can I hear yours? BELL DINGS

OK, our first fact is...

Mr Chicken was the last known private resident of BLANK.

-Grace.

-Old McDonald's farm.

What happened to Mr Chicken?

-Well...

-He tastes delicious.

Anyone else?

Cluckingham Palace.

Oh!

-Cluckingham Palace.

-Oh, I've got one, I've got one.

I'm going to give you a bonus gold star, Phil, for that.

-Thank you, sir.

-You're welcome.

-HORN TOOTS Yes, Mawaan.

-It's not working.

-If you like that, you'll love this. Cluxembourg.

-Ooh!

-Oh, come on!

-That wasn't as good.

Come on, it took me, like, a whole 30 seconds to think of that.

-Oh, oh!

-Victoria.

The last known resident of Eggland.

-Hey?

-I mean, right, can we please stop butchering chickens

and the English language now.

Both of those. Any more? Any more?

HORN TOOTS Yes?

Birmingham.

-Just Birmingham.

-It could be.

-Just Birmingham.

-Could be.

I'll give you the answer?

Mr Chicken was the last known private resident of

Number 10 Downing Street.

I was actually... My first guess was going to be the White House

and then it was going to be 10 Downing Street.

But you didn't say it.

This isn't how the game works. You can't think of a thing.

You see, I was going to say that so I think we should get the points.

Well, you didn't so you're not.

-OK, next one.

-It was worth a try.

In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with BLANK to attract

BLANK away from the Pharaoh.

Grace.

In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with gravy to attract

dogs away from the Pharaoh.

You're not miles away, you know?

I do like the idea of a dog chasing a man covered in gravy.

Victoria.

In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with hair care products

to keep Harry Styles away from the Pharaoh.

Harry Styles is always after that Pharaoh.

HORN TOOTS Yes, Grace.

In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with honey to attract

bees away from the Pharaoh.

Ooh! You're right with honey.

-Oh!

-People are covered in honey.

I know! Phil.

-HORN TOOTS

-That was us!

Stop it!

In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with honey to attract

Winnie the Pooh away from the Pharaoh.

Thank you for the gold stars, sir.

HORN TOOTS Grace.

She was doing it for me and I've forgotten my answer...

but I'm going to say bears.

Oh! Smaller. They're insects.

-PHIL AND MAWAAN:

-Small bears.

Small bears!

-Same wavelength.

-Small bears, AKA Winnie the Pooh.

-Right, come on. Insects.

-Ooh, flies.

Correct, well done!

THEY CHEER

In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with honey to attract

flies away from the Pharaoh.

Next one. Some Victorians used BLANK to clean their chimney.

-Lauren.

-Mawaan's hair.

Especially now that he's got a little mohawk on the go.

-Shove it up there.

-What do you mean?

-What do you mean?

-Bang Mawaan on a little stick.

Chuck him up there.

-It's actually really well conditioned...

-Can I feel it?

Yeah, go on. But don't mess it up, please, it took ages.

That would definitely get soot out of a chimney.

-Definitely.

-So it's not Mawaan. It's not Mawaan.

BELL DINGS Ki'Juan.

Pigeon...feathers.

-Specifically.

-"Pigeon...feathers."

-What, like on the brush?

-Yes.

It's not what I've got. I like it, though. In the ballpark. Phil.

Some Victorians used Santa Claus covered in soap

and so when he gives the presents he'd give the chimney a good clean

on the way down.

The chimney is only ever cleaned once a year.

And actually, Santa Claus has got a mohawk as well. A little fact.

-Mawaan.

-Yeah, I think this is a trick question.

I think there's not a word there, you're just trying to tell us

that some Victorians used to clean their chimneys.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Not bad that.

-Dick Van Dyck.

LAUGHTER

Tiny mice wearing tutus.

-I'm going to give you a gold star if you say tutus again.

-Tutus.

-Gold star to Ki'Juan's team.

-No way!

-What?!

-It's a bird. It's a type of bird.

-Can I have a good star if I say to tutus?

-No.

No, dodos were extinct, wait.

That's why they're gone. Victorians kept chucking them up the chimney.

"Where are all the dodos?" "They're in my fireplace."

Santa Claus has got three in his sack. It's a nightmare.

-Type of animal.

-Was it Mr Chicken?

Yes! Mr Chicken's up there.

-Right, I'm going to give you the answer. No-one got it.

-No.

Some Victorians used geese to clean their chimneys.

-What?

-Why geese?

And it says here in my notes, children at home,

that is something that you shouldn't do now.

So if you own a geese and a chimney...

-A geese?

-If you own a geese...

-Geese!

-A goose.

-A goose.

-That's actually my accent, guys.

I find that quite offensive.

There's a 'meese' 'leese' about this 'heese!'

That's how I talk! I find that really offensive.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Right, that is the end of the round.

And the winners - they are getting themselves a gold star -

are Ki'Juan's team!

Time now for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

And today one of our maths teachers has taken ill.

They haven't really, this whole thing's made up.

We've not even got any teachers.

I just want to pie a teacher in the face.

In a second, we will meet four teachers all up

from the non-existent job.

Our teams then have to try and pick who the real supply teacher is.

So let's meet the teachers.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Boo!

Today it's maths teachers. They all look like evil maths teachers!

Let's have a little listen for the team captains to our teachers' CVs.

Teacher number one is Mr Drummond.

He's been teaching maths for four years.

He once walked by a pupil and farted.

Everyone heard but he blamed it on the child.

You disgusting man.

Teacher number two is Miss Morris who has been teaching for two years.

As a hobby, she collects American baseball cards.

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

Teacher number three is Mr Douglas. He has been teaching for 18 years.

He's in a punk band called Square Roots.

Teacher number four is Miss Graham. She's been teaching for ten years.

In her spare time, she likes to complete difficult sudokus.

There's the teachers, everybody.

-Boo!

-Boo, the teachers. Boo!

Grace's team. First impressions.

Who looks like a teacher?

Who's got that glint in their eye that says,

"I hate children so much"?

We were just saying, number two, we really don't want to pie her

because she looks nice and she's got hair like a pony.

-Oh, thank you.

-No, I didn't say that.

-I did.

If you meet Lauren more, you'll know that is actually a really kind

and normal thing.

In her head, that's a really nice thing to say.

Like a pony going through the wind next to the beach.

-You like number two.

-Yeah.

I feel like number four looks like a teacher

but I don't want to pie her in the face.

Because she's got hair like an antelope!

I feel like if she is a teacher, I'd probably get into quite a lot

of trouble for pie-ing her in the face

and you look really nice as well.

-You're thinking about this too practically.

-I know!

-You've got to be mean.

-Mawaan, watch.

He'll show you. Mawaan, what do you think?

Number one, I'm not having it.

Clearly you're the teacher. And also, who clips their tie?

-That is so 2001, mate.

-I know. What is it with the tie clip?

Also, your tie looks like

my grandmother's wallpaper a little bit.

It's very glittery, number one. He's got a glittery tie.

And he did a bottom whoopsie and blamed it on a kid!

You have no shame.

What about Ki'Juan's team? First impressions.

Who looks like teachers, who looks like they're not teachers?

What are we thinking here?

Well, I think number three looks like he might have

crumbs down his top.

And all teachers have biscuits down their tops, don't they,

so that could be a sign.

All right, OK. Have you got any questions for them?

Maths-based I would go with but...

Who knows the answer to 6 squared?

-36.

-Ooh!

I mean, you're going to regret that answer so quick

once you've got pie in your face.

Number one, I've got a question.

Can I go to the toilet, sir?

Yes.

-Oh, he's messed up!

-He's not the teacher.

-No way!

I feel like you're an office worker.

Yeah.

Right, Ki'Juan's team. Any questions for our budding teachers?

All right, all right.

If you saw us in the corridor, right, and I was going like this...

Eerr! Eerr!

-..what would you say?

-Number two.

No running in the corridors, you might slip.

Number four.

Victoria, do you need the bathroom?

LAUGHTER

That's just how I run.

-Number three.

-Are you all right? Can I help you?

You're the kindest man I've ever met. And number one?

Victoria, don't fall again.

You might rip another hole in those jeans.

LAUGHTER

A gold star to number one!

This is fashion, number one. This is fashion!

Schoolteachers don't do fashion.

Victoria, don't worry, revenge will be sweet.

Right, audience, this is up to you now.

Who do you think the supply teacher is?

Please make your voices loud and proud on the count of three.

One, two, three, who's the teacher?

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

OK, OK, calm down, everyone.

Guys, be quiet, please. It's your own time you're wasting.

Hey!

Grace, please come over here now. It is time to...

'Pie The Supply.'

-Up you come. Up you come, Grace.

-Do whoever you think.

-Go, Grace.

-Do whoever you think?!

-Yeah.

-That looks awesome.

-There you go.

-Don't get it wrong, Grace.

-On you go, Gracey.

-Don't doubt yourself now.

-I just want to apologise in advance.

-Don't apologise, pie.

I'm scared...for you guys. I don't want to!

Who's it going to be?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo!

You will never answer the question

six cubed ever again in your entire life.

Ki'Juan, please make your way over here. It is time to...

'Pie The Supply.'

-OK, there you go, mate.

-OK.

OK. Who's it going to be?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

It's an absolute handful.

Now we are about to find out whether we have pied a supply teacher

or Grace and Ki'Juan have just attacked an innocent civilian.

Will the real supply teacher... Please be one or four.

Will the real supply teacher please step forward?

Yes!

Well done. In that case, the gold star goes to Grace's team.

Time now for a bit of career advice. It's Who Do You Think You Are?

Now, our celebrities are certainly famous

but they're not exactly A-list.

They're more on the, "Who's that again?" list.

But we're going to change all that.

We'll ask one member of each team to stick their mush

in The Hole Of Fame!

'The Hole Of Fame.'

We then project a body of a slightly more famous celebrity

onto our own celebrity and they have to guess who they are

by asking yes-no questions.

Victoria, it's now time for you to put your head in The Hole Of Fame.

'The Hole Of Fame.'

There you go. How do you feel?

I quite like it actually, Iain, aye. It's good. It's good.

OK, Victoria, it's time to make you famous. Slam!

Oh, Victoria, you're going to have

to look a little bit more fierce than that.

HE LAUGHS

You look great. You look great. You can ask some questions.

You're a famous person.

Right, am I a lion?

No. No.

I mean, you are fierce like a lion.

-Fierce, yes. OK. Am I a woman?

-Yes.

I'm a woman. A fierce woman. Have I got long hair?

-How does that help you?

-I don't know!

-Yes.

-Think about the profession.

-OK. Am I a singer?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-OK.

Oh, right, if I wiggled me hand around and went...

SHE HUMS CRAZY IN LOVE

-That would be appropriate, yes.

-Right, OK.

-Do I need to put a ring on it?

-Yes, you do, very much.

Am I Beyonce?

Yay!

You got it very, very quickly. Right, well done, Victoria.

It's now over to Grace's team.

Mawaan, it's time for you to assume the position in The Hole Of Fame!

'The Hole Of Fame.'

Get your head in the hole, Mawaan.

It's time to make you famous.

LAUGHTER Good luck!

Oh, yes.

Yes.

-That's really unnerving.

-I don't like it.

That's like many dreams I've had.

Stop it, Iain, you're making me blush.

No, you're making ME blush.

He's such a flirt.

Oh, Mawaan. OK, yes-no questions.

I mean, you're a pretty big celebrity, mate,

I don't mind telling you.

-Am I a woman?

-No.

-Am I a man?

-Yes.

-100%, yes.

-Great.

Am I a singer?

-You could be.

-Could be?!

-If you put your mind to it you could be, yes.

-What?!

-Guys, I'm not talking, like, side jobs here. Like, my main job.

-No.

-Not your main job. You're better than it.

-Yeah, too good for it.

-Am I on TV are a lot?

-Oh, every...

You say a lot but occasionally getting less and less

as the years go by.

OK, so I'm not a singer...

Am I an actor?

-Yes.

-No.

-No.

-No, he's not.

-Am I a presenter?

-Yes.

Am I a reality TV star?

-No.

-No.

-What do I do?

LAUGHTER

What do you do? That is the question.

-Maybe concentrate on the awards you've won for presenting.

-Oh.

Yeah like, BAFTAs. Ask if you've been nominated for any BAFTAs.

-Have I been nominated for any BAFTAs?

-Two. Two.

You've been nominated for two BAFTAs.

-Do I love myself more than people love me?

-Yes.

Do I bring guests on my show

and then take the mick out of their hair?

-Yeah, constantly.

-Constantly.

-Am I Iain Sterling?

-Yes!

OK, then.

The winners are Ki'Juan's team!

Yay!

Now for the geography lesson. This is Globe Hoppers.

'Globe Hoppers.'

We ask questions about this planet that we all live on.

So, teams, I'll call out clues to different countries

dotted around the world.

All you have to do is grab the right country name from the globe

and bring it back to me.

The one that answers the most right answers at the end wins.

Oh, and you'll be on space hoppers.

Why? Because it's Iain's school so it's...

-ALL:

-Iain's rules!

OK, Grace, who are you picking for you on your team?

-Lauren.

-Lauren. Nice one.

-And, Ki'Juan, who's going for you?

-Phil.

-Nice one.

Well, guys, let's go global.

Guys, you're looking pretty good. Are you feeling ready to go, Phil?

Yep. I am, like this, pumped.

OK, your time starts when I ask the first question.

We are looking for a small flightless bird called a kiwi,

is native to which country?

Three, two, one, hop it!

Get up.

SHE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY

It's wrong. BUZZER

Go again.

Come on, come on.

New Zealand!

This country is famous for around 400 different types of cheese,

including Camembert and Brie.

Go! Hop it!

-Yes!

-No.

-Argh!

Give it here.

France! Got it.

Yeah!

Are you going to buy a space hopper when you get home?

No, I'm going to die of exhaustion.

OK, this country uses 45 billion sets of chopsticks every year.

It's here, it's here! It's here.

-Quick.

-Get it.

He's chasing me.

China. Yes!

-And finally, home of...

-Whoa, whoa! Get back to the starting line.

All right, guys.

Finally, home of haggis and the greatest country in the world.

Scotland. AUDIENCE CHEERS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

That is time up.

-Lauren, how are you feeling?

-Exhausted.

-Phil, how are you feeling?

-Top of the world.

Well, I can tell you at the end of that round the winners

and there by getting their team a gold star is...

-Lauren for Grace's team.

-Yes!

And that is the end of the show.

All we have to do now is tot up the scores.

So please bring down the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And the winners are...

Ki'Juan's team!

High fives all round, guys.

Unlucky, Grace's team.

That means you've got detention with Mr Smash

and it's time for the dog to eat your homework.

So, guys, please take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

# La-la-la-la-la

Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

# La-la-la-la-la

Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la. #

-Losers!

Losers!

That's all we've got time for.

Do you know what, we didn't learn much but it was sure was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-ALL:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

See you!