Episode 8 The Dog Ate My Homework


Episode 8

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Transcript


LineFromTo

THEY BLABBER

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CHEERING

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THEY GRUNT REPETITIVELY

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-BOTH:

-Argh!

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Hello!

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Welcome to the show.

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Hello, I am Iain Stirling and this is The Dog Ate My Homework -

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everything you wanted to know about school but were afraid to ask.

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Like, what do teachers get up to in the staffroom?

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And being asked those questions, a panel so intelligent

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we've had to apply special make-up to make them look more stupid.

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I think we've overdone it a little bit.

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OK, let's take the register.

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On my right, a boy who says he absolutely loves mathematics

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and loves lying about how much he loves mathematics.

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It's Ki'Juan, everybody!

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Here, sir. Whoo!

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And joining Ki'Juan is someone who got lots of Cs in class.

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He got, "See me after school," and, "See you in detention,"

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and, "See you, you wee dafty, get back here!"

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It's stand-up comedian Phil Wang.

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Hello, Mr Stirling.

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And someone who just loves baking, has a tendency to go on

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about her lemon drivel cake.

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-It's DNN star, Victoria Cook.

-Here, sir!

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Give it up for Ki'Juan's team, everybody.

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And on my left is a master of long division.

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It's actually normal division, it just takes her ages. It's Grace.

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Here, sir.

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And on Grace's team is someone who's

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funnier than a geography teacher's dress sense.

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From the CBBC office, it's Lauren Layfield.

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Yes, sir.

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And joining Grace is someone whose brain is so full

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that sometimes it dribbles out of his nose with little green

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nuggets of information.

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And if you think I'm lying, that's snot true.

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-Give it up for Mawaan Rizwan, everybody.

-Here, sir!

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-Whoo!

-Give it up for our teams.

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OK, let's get on with the show, everybody.

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The teams are going to battle it out in pursuit of these gold stars.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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But being clever and stuff isn't the only way to bag a star.

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I also like funny jokes, witty asides and peanut butter sandwiches.

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Provide me with any of those and you could earn a bonus star.

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But beware, I don't like bad bads, backchat or ballyhoo.

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And if you have any of that, I will make those stars disappear.

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Oh!

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Eh! I can do what I want because it's Iain's school so it's...

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Iain's rules!

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Who's got bellows and a catchphrase?

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This guy!

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At the end of the day, the team with the most stars wins

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and the losers suffer a fate worse than double physics.

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Yep, it's detention with Mr Smash.

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And is it me or has someone got a hot date this evening?

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Ha-ha-ha!

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COLOGNE FIZZES

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Eugh! Eugh!

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Pleugh!

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Argh! Eugh!

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Argh! Argh!

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-HE SNIFFS

-Mmm!

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LAUGHTER

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He gets weirder every time. Guys, let's get on with the first round.

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Let's start with history. This is Lost Words.

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-'Lost Words.'

-Thank you.

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Our teams have to decipher which words were removed

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from a collection of fascinating facts.

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Like, did you know some butterflies have ears on their wings,

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slugs have four noses

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and it's up bad idea to eat broccoli soup

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before filming a TV show?

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HE FARTS

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HE FARTS AGAIN Oh!

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I wasn't expecting that last one. Disgusting, disgusting.

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So, both teams, it's fingers on buzzers.

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Grace, can I hear your buzzer? HORN TOOTS

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Ki'Juan, can I hear yours? BELL DINGS

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OK, our first fact is...

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Mr Chicken was the last known private resident of BLANK.

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-Grace.

-Old McDonald's farm.

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What happened to Mr Chicken?

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-Well...

-He tastes delicious.

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Anyone else?

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Cluckingham Palace.

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Oh!

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-Cluckingham Palace.

-Oh, I've got one, I've got one.

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I'm going to give you a bonus gold star, Phil, for that.

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-Thank you, sir.

-You're welcome.

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-HORN TOOTS Yes, Mawaan.

-It's not working.

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-If you like that, you'll love this. Cluxembourg.

-Ooh!

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-Oh, come on!

-That wasn't as good.

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Come on, it took me, like, a whole 30 seconds to think of that.

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-Oh, oh!

-Victoria.

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The last known resident of Eggland.

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-Hey?

-I mean, right, can we please stop butchering chickens

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and the English language now.

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Both of those. Any more? Any more?

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HORN TOOTS Yes?

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Birmingham.

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-Just Birmingham.

-It could be.

-Just Birmingham.

-Could be.

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I'll give you the answer?

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Mr Chicken was the last known private resident of

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Number 10 Downing Street.

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I was actually... My first guess was going to be the White House

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and then it was going to be 10 Downing Street.

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But you didn't say it.

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This isn't how the game works. You can't think of a thing.

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You see, I was going to say that so I think we should get the points.

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Well, you didn't so you're not.

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-OK, next one.

-It was worth a try.

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In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with BLANK to attract

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BLANK away from the Pharaoh.

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Grace.

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In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with gravy to attract

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dogs away from the Pharaoh.

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You're not miles away, you know?

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I do like the idea of a dog chasing a man covered in gravy.

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Victoria.

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In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with hair care products

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to keep Harry Styles away from the Pharaoh.

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Harry Styles is always after that Pharaoh.

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HORN TOOTS Yes, Grace.

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In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with honey to attract

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bees away from the Pharaoh.

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Ooh! You're right with honey.

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-Oh!

-People are covered in honey.

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I know! Phil.

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-HORN TOOTS

-That was us!

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Stop it!

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In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with honey to attract

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Winnie the Pooh away from the Pharaoh.

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Thank you for the gold stars, sir.

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HORN TOOTS Grace.

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She was doing it for me and I've forgotten my answer...

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but I'm going to say bears.

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Oh! Smaller. They're insects.

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-PHIL AND MAWAAN:

-Small bears.

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Small bears!

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-Same wavelength.

-Small bears, AKA Winnie the Pooh.

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-Right, come on. Insects.

-Ooh, flies.

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Correct, well done!

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THEY CHEER

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In ancient Egypt, servants were smeared with honey to attract

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flies away from the Pharaoh.

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Next one. Some Victorians used BLANK to clean their chimney.

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-Lauren.

-Mawaan's hair.

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Especially now that he's got a little mohawk on the go.

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-Shove it up there.

-What do you mean?

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-What do you mean?

-Bang Mawaan on a little stick.

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Chuck him up there.

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-It's actually really well conditioned...

-Can I feel it?

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Yeah, go on. But don't mess it up, please, it took ages.

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That would definitely get soot out of a chimney.

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-Definitely.

-So it's not Mawaan. It's not Mawaan.

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BELL DINGS Ki'Juan.

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Pigeon...feathers.

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-Specifically.

-"Pigeon...feathers."

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-What, like on the brush?

-Yes.

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It's not what I've got. I like it, though. In the ballpark. Phil.

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Some Victorians used Santa Claus covered in soap

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and so when he gives the presents he'd give the chimney a good clean

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on the way down.

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The chimney is only ever cleaned once a year.

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And actually, Santa Claus has got a mohawk as well. A little fact.

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-Mawaan.

-Yeah, I think this is a trick question.

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I think there's not a word there, you're just trying to tell us

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that some Victorians used to clean their chimneys.

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-Oh!

-Oh!

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-Not bad that.

-Dick Van Dyck.

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LAUGHTER

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Tiny mice wearing tutus.

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-I'm going to give you a gold star if you say tutus again.

-Tutus.

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-Gold star to Ki'Juan's team.

-No way!

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-What?!

-It's a bird. It's a type of bird.

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-Can I have a good star if I say to tutus?

-No.

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No, dodos were extinct, wait.

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That's why they're gone. Victorians kept chucking them up the chimney.

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"Where are all the dodos?" "They're in my fireplace."

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Santa Claus has got three in his sack. It's a nightmare.

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-Type of animal.

-Was it Mr Chicken?

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Yes! Mr Chicken's up there.

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-Right, I'm going to give you the answer. No-one got it.

-No.

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Some Victorians used geese to clean their chimneys.

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-What?

-Why geese?

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And it says here in my notes, children at home,

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that is something that you shouldn't do now.

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So if you own a geese and a chimney...

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-A geese?

-If you own a geese...

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-Geese!

-A goose.

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-A goose.

-That's actually my accent, guys.

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I find that quite offensive.

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There's a 'meese' 'leese' about this 'heese!'

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That's how I talk! I find that really offensive.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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Right, that is the end of the round.

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And the winners - they are getting themselves a gold star -

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are Ki'Juan's team!

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Time now for Pie The Supply.

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'Pie The Supply.'

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And today one of our maths teachers has taken ill.

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They haven't really, this whole thing's made up.

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We've not even got any teachers.

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I just want to pie a teacher in the face.

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In a second, we will meet four teachers all up

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from the non-existent job.

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Our teams then have to try and pick who the real supply teacher is.

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So let's meet the teachers.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

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Boo!

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Today it's maths teachers. They all look like evil maths teachers!

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Let's have a little listen for the team captains to our teachers' CVs.

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Teacher number one is Mr Drummond.

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He's been teaching maths for four years.

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He once walked by a pupil and farted.

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Everyone heard but he blamed it on the child.

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You disgusting man.

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Teacher number two is Miss Morris who has been teaching for two years.

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As a hobby, she collects American baseball cards.

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-Ooh!

-Ooh!

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Teacher number three is Mr Douglas. He has been teaching for 18 years.

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He's in a punk band called Square Roots.

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Teacher number four is Miss Graham. She's been teaching for ten years.

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In her spare time, she likes to complete difficult sudokus.

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There's the teachers, everybody.

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-Boo!

-Boo, the teachers. Boo!

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Grace's team. First impressions.

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Who looks like a teacher?

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Who's got that glint in their eye that says,

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"I hate children so much"?

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We were just saying, number two, we really don't want to pie her

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because she looks nice and she's got hair like a pony.

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-Oh, thank you.

-No, I didn't say that.

-I did.

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If you meet Lauren more, you'll know that is actually a really kind

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and normal thing.

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In her head, that's a really nice thing to say.

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Like a pony going through the wind next to the beach.

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-You like number two.

-Yeah.

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I feel like number four looks like a teacher

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but I don't want to pie her in the face.

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Because she's got hair like an antelope!

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I feel like if she is a teacher, I'd probably get into quite a lot

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of trouble for pie-ing her in the face

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and you look really nice as well.

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-You're thinking about this too practically.

-I know!

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-You've got to be mean.

-Mawaan, watch.

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He'll show you. Mawaan, what do you think?

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Number one, I'm not having it.

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Clearly you're the teacher. And also, who clips their tie?

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-That is so 2001, mate.

-I know. What is it with the tie clip?

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Also, your tie looks like

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my grandmother's wallpaper a little bit.

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It's very glittery, number one. He's got a glittery tie.

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And he did a bottom whoopsie and blamed it on a kid!

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You have no shame.

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What about Ki'Juan's team? First impressions.

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Who looks like teachers, who looks like they're not teachers?

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What are we thinking here?

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Well, I think number three looks like he might have

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crumbs down his top.

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And all teachers have biscuits down their tops, don't they,

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so that could be a sign.

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All right, OK. Have you got any questions for them?

0:14:080:14:11

Maths-based I would go with but...

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Who knows the answer to 6 squared?

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-36.

-Ooh!

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I mean, you're going to regret that answer so quick

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once you've got pie in your face.

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Number one, I've got a question.

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Can I go to the toilet, sir?

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Yes.

0:14:290:14:31

-Oh, he's messed up!

-He's not the teacher.

-No way!

0:14:310:14:33

I feel like you're an office worker.

0:14:330:14:35

Yeah.

0:14:370:14:38

Right, Ki'Juan's team. Any questions for our budding teachers?

0:14:380:14:43

All right, all right.

0:14:430:14:45

If you saw us in the corridor, right, and I was going like this...

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Eerr! Eerr!

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-..what would you say?

-Number two.

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No running in the corridors, you might slip.

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Number four.

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Victoria, do you need the bathroom?

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LAUGHTER

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That's just how I run.

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-Number three.

-Are you all right? Can I help you?

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You're the kindest man I've ever met. And number one?

0:15:080:15:13

Victoria, don't fall again.

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You might rip another hole in those jeans.

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LAUGHTER

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A gold star to number one!

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This is fashion, number one. This is fashion!

0:15:250:15:30

Schoolteachers don't do fashion.

0:15:300:15:31

Victoria, don't worry, revenge will be sweet.

0:15:310:15:35

Right, audience, this is up to you now.

0:15:370:15:41

Who do you think the supply teacher is?

0:15:410:15:43

Please make your voices loud and proud on the count of three.

0:15:430:15:46

One, two, three, who's the teacher?

0:15:460:15:48

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

0:15:480:15:52

OK, OK, calm down, everyone.

0:15:540:15:57

Guys, be quiet, please. It's your own time you're wasting.

0:15:570:16:00

Hey!

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Grace, please come over here now. It is time to...

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'Pie The Supply.'

0:16:060:16:08

-Up you come. Up you come, Grace.

-Do whoever you think.

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-Go, Grace.

-Do whoever you think?!

-Yeah.

-That looks awesome.

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-There you go.

-Don't get it wrong, Grace.

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-On you go, Gracey.

-Don't doubt yourself now.

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-I just want to apologise in advance.

-Don't apologise, pie.

0:16:200:16:24

I'm scared...for you guys. I don't want to!

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Who's it going to be?

0:16:310:16:32

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:16:340:16:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Whoo!

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You will never answer the question

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six cubed ever again in your entire life.

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Ki'Juan, please make your way over here. It is time to...

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'Pie The Supply.'

0:16:540:16:56

-OK, there you go, mate.

-OK.

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OK. Who's it going to be?

0:16:580:17:02

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:17:020:17:05

It's an absolute handful.

0:17:170:17:19

Now we are about to find out whether we have pied a supply teacher

0:17:210:17:26

or Grace and Ki'Juan have just attacked an innocent civilian.

0:17:260:17:30

Will the real supply teacher... Please be one or four.

0:17:310:17:34

Will the real supply teacher please step forward?

0:17:340:17:38

Yes!

0:17:380:17:40

Well done. In that case, the gold star goes to Grace's team.

0:17:430:17:47

Time now for a bit of career advice. It's Who Do You Think You Are?

0:17:540:17:58

Now, our celebrities are certainly famous

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but they're not exactly A-list.

0:18:010:18:03

They're more on the, "Who's that again?" list.

0:18:030:18:06

But we're going to change all that.

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We'll ask one member of each team to stick their mush

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in The Hole Of Fame!

0:18:100:18:12

'The Hole Of Fame.'

0:18:120:18:14

We then project a body of a slightly more famous celebrity

0:18:140:18:17

onto our own celebrity and they have to guess who they are

0:18:170:18:20

by asking yes-no questions.

0:18:200:18:23

Victoria, it's now time for you to put your head in The Hole Of Fame.

0:18:230:18:28

'The Hole Of Fame.'

0:18:280:18:30

There you go. How do you feel?

0:18:310:18:33

I quite like it actually, Iain, aye. It's good. It's good.

0:18:330:18:37

OK, Victoria, it's time to make you famous. Slam!

0:18:370:18:42

Oh, Victoria, you're going to have

0:18:440:18:46

to look a little bit more fierce than that.

0:18:460:18:48

HE LAUGHS

0:18:510:18:54

You look great. You look great. You can ask some questions.

0:18:570:19:00

You're a famous person.

0:19:000:19:01

Right, am I a lion?

0:19:010:19:04

No. No.

0:19:050:19:06

I mean, you are fierce like a lion.

0:19:060:19:08

-Fierce, yes. OK. Am I a woman?

-Yes.

0:19:080:19:12

I'm a woman. A fierce woman. Have I got long hair?

0:19:120:19:18

-How does that help you?

-I don't know!

-Yes.

0:19:180:19:22

-Think about the profession.

-OK. Am I a singer?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-OK.

0:19:220:19:28

Oh, right, if I wiggled me hand around and went...

0:19:280:19:31

SHE HUMS CRAZY IN LOVE

0:19:310:19:36

-That would be appropriate, yes.

-Right, OK.

0:19:380:19:41

-Do I need to put a ring on it?

-Yes, you do, very much.

0:19:410:19:43

Am I Beyonce?

0:19:430:19:45

Yay!

0:19:450:19:46

You got it very, very quickly. Right, well done, Victoria.

0:19:490:19:53

It's now over to Grace's team.

0:19:530:19:55

Mawaan, it's time for you to assume the position in The Hole Of Fame!

0:19:550:20:00

'The Hole Of Fame.'

0:20:000:20:02

Get your head in the hole, Mawaan.

0:20:020:20:04

It's time to make you famous.

0:20:040:20:06

LAUGHTER Good luck!

0:20:070:20:10

Oh, yes.

0:20:130:20:15

Yes.

0:20:150:20:17

-That's really unnerving.

-I don't like it.

0:20:190:20:21

That's like many dreams I've had.

0:20:210:20:24

Stop it, Iain, you're making me blush.

0:20:260:20:27

No, you're making ME blush.

0:20:270:20:30

He's such a flirt.

0:20:320:20:33

Oh, Mawaan. OK, yes-no questions.

0:20:330:20:37

I mean, you're a pretty big celebrity, mate,

0:20:370:20:40

I don't mind telling you.

0:20:400:20:42

-Am I a woman?

-No.

-Am I a man?

-Yes.

-100%, yes.

-Great.

0:20:420:20:48

Am I a singer?

0:20:490:20:52

-You could be.

-Could be?!

0:20:520:20:54

-If you put your mind to it you could be, yes.

-What?!

0:20:540:20:57

-Guys, I'm not talking, like, side jobs here. Like, my main job.

-No.

0:20:570:21:01

-Not your main job. You're better than it.

-Yeah, too good for it.

0:21:010:21:06

-Am I on TV are a lot?

-Oh, every...

0:21:060:21:08

You say a lot but occasionally getting less and less

0:21:080:21:13

as the years go by.

0:21:130:21:15

OK, so I'm not a singer...

0:21:150:21:18

Am I an actor?

0:21:180:21:20

-Yes.

-No.

-No.

-No, he's not.

0:21:200:21:23

-Am I a presenter?

-Yes.

0:21:230:21:25

Am I a reality TV star?

0:21:250:21:28

-No.

-No.

-What do I do?

0:21:280:21:31

LAUGHTER

0:21:310:21:33

What do you do? That is the question.

0:21:330:21:36

-Maybe concentrate on the awards you've won for presenting.

-Oh.

0:21:360:21:39

Yeah like, BAFTAs. Ask if you've been nominated for any BAFTAs.

0:21:390:21:43

-Have I been nominated for any BAFTAs?

-Two. Two.

0:21:430:21:47

You've been nominated for two BAFTAs.

0:21:470:21:49

-Do I love myself more than people love me?

-Yes.

0:21:490:21:52

Do I bring guests on my show

0:22:010:22:02

and then take the mick out of their hair?

0:22:020:22:05

-Yeah, constantly.

-Constantly.

0:22:050:22:07

-Am I Iain Sterling?

-Yes!

0:22:070:22:09

OK, then.

0:22:120:22:14

The winners are Ki'Juan's team!

0:22:140:22:17

Yay!

0:22:170:22:19

Now for the geography lesson. This is Globe Hoppers.

0:22:250:22:30

'Globe Hoppers.'

0:22:300:22:31

We ask questions about this planet that we all live on.

0:22:310:22:35

So, teams, I'll call out clues to different countries

0:22:350:22:38

dotted around the world.

0:22:380:22:39

All you have to do is grab the right country name from the globe

0:22:390:22:42

and bring it back to me.

0:22:420:22:44

The one that answers the most right answers at the end wins.

0:22:440:22:47

Oh, and you'll be on space hoppers.

0:22:470:22:49

Why? Because it's Iain's school so it's...

0:22:490:22:52

-ALL:

-Iain's rules!

0:22:520:22:54

OK, Grace, who are you picking for you on your team?

0:22:540:22:58

-Lauren.

-Lauren. Nice one.

0:22:580:23:00

-And, Ki'Juan, who's going for you?

-Phil.

-Nice one.

0:23:000:23:04

Well, guys, let's go global.

0:23:040:23:06

Guys, you're looking pretty good. Are you feeling ready to go, Phil?

0:23:100:23:15

Yep. I am, like this, pumped.

0:23:150:23:18

OK, your time starts when I ask the first question.

0:23:190:23:22

We are looking for a small flightless bird called a kiwi,

0:23:220:23:26

is native to which country?

0:23:260:23:28

Three, two, one, hop it!

0:23:280:23:29

Get up.

0:23:350:23:36

SHE SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY

0:23:380:23:40

It's wrong. BUZZER

0:23:410:23:43

Go again.

0:23:430:23:44

Come on, come on.

0:23:560:23:58

New Zealand!

0:24:010:24:02

This country is famous for around 400 different types of cheese,

0:24:040:24:08

including Camembert and Brie.

0:24:080:24:11

Go! Hop it!

0:24:110:24:12

-Yes!

-No.

-Argh!

0:24:280:24:30

Give it here.

0:24:320:24:33

France! Got it.

0:24:360:24:37

Yeah!

0:24:370:24:39

Are you going to buy a space hopper when you get home?

0:24:390:24:41

No, I'm going to die of exhaustion.

0:24:410:24:43

OK, this country uses 45 billion sets of chopsticks every year.

0:24:430:24:49

It's here, it's here! It's here.

0:24:490:24:52

-Quick.

-Get it.

0:24:540:24:55

He's chasing me.

0:25:040:25:05

China. Yes!

0:25:050:25:07

-And finally, home of...

-Whoa, whoa! Get back to the starting line.

0:25:080:25:12

All right, guys.

0:25:120:25:14

Finally, home of haggis and the greatest country in the world.

0:25:140:25:18

Scotland. AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:25:300:25:32

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:25:320:25:34

That is time up.

0:25:350:25:37

-Lauren, how are you feeling?

-Exhausted.

0:25:370:25:39

-Phil, how are you feeling?

-Top of the world.

0:25:390:25:41

Well, I can tell you at the end of that round the winners

0:25:440:25:47

and there by getting their team a gold star is...

0:25:470:25:50

-Lauren for Grace's team.

-Yes!

0:25:500:25:53

And that is the end of the show.

0:26:010:26:02

All we have to do now is tot up the scores.

0:26:020:26:05

So please bring down the stars.

0:26:050:26:08

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:26:090:26:11

And the winners are...

0:26:150:26:17

Ki'Juan's team!

0:26:170:26:19

High fives all round, guys.

0:26:230:26:26

Unlucky, Grace's team.

0:26:260:26:29

That means you've got detention with Mr Smash

0:26:290:26:31

and it's time for the dog to eat your homework.

0:26:310:26:33

So, guys, please take the walk of shame.

0:26:330:26:36

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

0:26:360:26:38

# La-la-la-la-la

0:26:380:26:40

Losers!

0:26:400:26:41

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

0:26:410:26:42

# La-la-la-la-la

0:26:420:26:43

Losers!

0:26:430:26:44

-# La-la-la-la-la. #

-Losers!

0:26:440:26:46

Losers!

0:26:460:26:48

That's all we've got time for.

0:26:480:26:50

Do you know what, we didn't learn much but it was sure was fun trying.

0:26:500:26:53

See you all next time on...

0:26:530:26:55

-ALL:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

0:26:550:26:59

See you!

0:26:590:27:01

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