Episode 9 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

CHEERING

Yes, hello!

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

the show that is all about... I don't know,

I just sit here and talk nonsense and hope that nobody notices.

Oh, you have. OK, let's get on with the show and take the register.

On my right, a boy who misread the sports day rules and, at last

year's egg-and-spoon race, ended up running with a chicken on a fork.

It's Eddie, everyone! APPLAUSE

Here!

And also on Eddie's team, a man who says

he gets recognised at least once a day.

Although if his mum's not wearing her glasses that number

goes down to around about zero.

-From Blue Peter, it's Radzi!

-Here, Sir!

APPLAUSE

And also on Eddie's team, a woman who walked five miles to school

every morning. It was only round the corner but she's got

a terrible sense of direction. It's comedian Suzi Ruffell.

-APPLAUSE

-Here, Sir!

Please give it up for Eddie's team, everybody!

And to my left, a girl that thanks her lucky stars

she wasn't born in France, because she can't speak French.

-It's Angel, everyone!

-Here, Sir!

APPLAUSE

And in Angel's team, a comedian who makes

jokes on Twitter, around about 140 characters.

The gags aren't great but the costume changes take for ever!

-It's Ellie Taylor.

-Here, Miss!

"Here, Miss" indeed!

And joining them, someone whose career advisor suggested

they become a binman, because they always talk rubbish.

-It's Art Ninja, Ricky Martin.

-Present, Mr Stirling!

APPLAUSE

So, this is a panel show all about school.

A big part of school is the uniform, I am wearing a blazer today.

-Do I look pretty good?

-Classy.

-Oh, yeah!

About three people sarcastically going, "Yeah."

-Have you got uniform in your school, Eddie?

-Yeah.

You're a cool dude, man, I bet you make it look dead trendy.

Yeah, I make it look like dope, right. So, what I do...

Make it look dope, man!

When I can, in summer usually, I take off my blazer,

wrap it around my torso area, roll up my sleeves,

loosen up my tie to try make it work. If I walk, I'm making it work.

-Yes.

-Oh, yes!

WOLF WHISTLES

All right! Thanks, Mum.

-This is it, this is cool, is it?

-Yeah.

-What else do you do?

-How can I make it more cool?

-Well, I just walk like I own it.

Didn't you say you sometimes unbutton the shirt, as well?

Yeah, I unbutton the shirt.

-Does he need to mess his hair up a little bit?

-Yeah.

And put your glasses on your head.

-There we go.

-Have you got roll-ups?

Whoo!

APPLAUSE

Not bad, I feel good.

I now look like a teacher that's just been sacked.

-Angel, Angel, Angel...

-Yes?

-How do make your uniform look cool?

I don't.

She's like, "I can't bear the thought of you in a skirt, Stirling,

"so I'm not saying anything."

Can you not customise your uniform?

No, I think I look pretty fabulous in my uniform

-without having to do anything to it.

-Ohh!

-That's told you, Iain!

-Yeah, I mean, I look pretty fabulous now, I think.

Let's just say women are better than men, we are flawless,

perfectly, instantly.

Not as humble, apparently(!)

LAUGHTER

Let's get on with the game.

APPLAUSE

OK, now, for those of you from Planet Zog

here's how the game show works.

We set the teams various challenges to see whose

brains are in zinging, and whose brains are minging.

And remember,

what they're playing for - they're playing for these

attractive gold stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Whoo, indeed! But if you rub me the wrong way, those stars are going

back in the incredibly affordable special effects bin.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Yes, that's how I roll. And why? I'll tell you why.

Cos it's Iain's school so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

You've got it!

At the end of the show, one team will be flying high as winners,

the others will be grounded by our resident gym bunny - a man so dense

he thinks the days of the week that begin with T are today and tomorrow.

It's our PE teacher, Mr Smash.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

So, Smashy, what are you up to today?

I heard you've been balloon modelling, is that right?

Ha-ha, yes.

Mate, I thought you said you were balloon modelling?

HE GROANS AND MUMBLES

-BALLOON POPS

-Argh!

That gets weirder every time we do it.

OK, let's get on with the show!

Now, it's time for a bit of science, it's Lost Words.

-DEEP VOICE:

-'Lost Words.'

Oh, hello.

Where I give the teams a fact with words missing.

For example, Iain Stirling is the most BLANK man on the planet.

-So you could have had beautiful...

-Blank?

..intelligent. Yes, or blank.

Thank you, Ricky Martin, you have just lost yourself a gold star.

-Oh!

-OK. So, teams, get your fingers on the buzzers.

This week's topic is Biology.

Let's go! BELL RINGS

A BLANK can BLANK for up to 18 hours a day.

HORN HONKS Angel?

A child can burp for up to 18 hours a day.

I will need to see an example.

-Oh, really?

-You said it, mate, not me.

Go on, make your mother proud, go on. Right now, Angel.

I'll harmonise.

-Count to three, ready?

-One, two, three.

SHE BURPS

Oh!

BELL RINGS Radzi from Blue Peter.

A massive tin of baked beans can make you fart for up

to 18 hours a day.

I am going to have to see some working for that.

Shall I go for it? Yeah.

It's a silent but deadly.

Any more that maybe doesn't include bodily functions?

HORN HONKS

-Ellie Taylor?

-Is it a Blue Peter presenter can break-dance?

-Oh!

Oh!

-No!

-Well, let's see if he can.

-Radzi?

-OK.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

I thought it was going to be... Oh, look, he's got it.

Radzi! Radzi!

-ALL:

-Radzi!

Oh, that's good.

CHEERING

Yes! Radzi!

Very good!

I've got another one. BELL RINGS

A Blue Peter presenter can...

Yes, Eddie?

An Art Ninja can sing for up to 18 hours a day.

Oh!

-Ricky Martin, can you sing?

-What do you want me to sing?

I think we all know what song that is going to be.

-Livin' La Vida Loca!

-Yeah!

# Upside inside out She's livin' la vida loca

# She'll push and pull you down She's livin' la vida loca! #

I can see the way this is going,

so I'm going to give you the first word.

It is a koala can what for up to 18 hours a day?

-BELL RINGS

-Sleep!

A koala can sleep for 18 hours a day!

The next one is, you are BLANK in the morning than you are at BLANK.

BELL RINGS Yes, Suzi Ruffell?

You are grumpier in the morning then you are at night.

My dad in the morning, man. I think a dad in the morning is maybe

the angriest thing in the world.

Your dad trying to get you to school on a Monday morning.

My dad used to drag me by my feet out of the bed.

"Get in the... Get in the car!

"Get in the car!"

"Dad, we're going to school, not the war!"

BELL RINGS Radzi?

You are younger in the morning then you are at night.

Oh, that's great! APPLAUSE

-A bonus star, Radzi. Bonus star.

-Thank you.

Right, the final BLANK is night.

Come on, guys. BELL RINGS

-Yes, Suzi?

-Taller?

Correct, you are taller in the morning then you are at night!

Apparently, a Texas University study in 2008 also

revealed morning people who wake up earlier also achieve

higher grades.

Oh!

All the kids are like, "Urgh", and parents are going,

"I'm using that later on."

We'll do one more, here we go. Just like humans, BLANKS have BLANK.

BELL RINGS

-Suzi Ruffell.

-Cats have enemies.

-My cat has an enemy.

-Who is it?

My cat doesn't like the cat that lives in the flat upstairs

and they just stare at each other and occasionally hiss.

-Enemies.

-Do you know who I think who would do a good

impression of that? Angel.

Really?

Look down camera one and do an angry cat hissing.

SHE HISSES

-Perfect.

-Was that OK?

-Perfect.

I think she's my enemy.

Just like humans, BLANKS have BLANK. Anyone?

BELL RINGS

-Eddie.

-Just like humans, plants have mouths.

Have you seen it in cartoons where a plant gets really happy

and it will start to sing?

Do you know that cartoons aren't real?

HORN HONKS

Yes, Angel?

Just like humans, plants have roots.

-Oh, that's deep.

-That IS deep.

-I'm going to give you a gold star for that.

-Oh, good work.

-Thank you very much.

-I've got roots.

That's all I've got on that.

I'm going to give you the first word.

Just like humans, cows have what?

BELL RINGS Yes, Ellie?

Birthdays?

# Happy birthday to moo... #

BELL RINGS Radzi?

Cows have calves.

They do!

Yeah, like that?

I'm giving you a gold star for that.

-Yes!

-That's a great pun.

I'm going to give you the answer. Just like humans, cows have accents.

Ohhhh!

Och, aye, the moo! Scottish cow.

Get out of it!

Och, aye, the moo! Och, aye, the moo!

That's the best joke you're going to 'ear.

None of you got that, unfortunately.

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to Eddie's team.

-Yep, it's time for Pie The Supply.

-'Pie The Supply.'

Here at Iain's School of Extreme Handsomeness,

we're a teacher down, so our teams must pick a replacement.

However, out of the four candidates, only one of them is a real teacher.

They must identify them and then...

-AUDIENCE:

-Pie The Supply!

It's how you choose teachers in the real world, honestly.

So, let's send in the supply teachers!

BOOING

So, today, we need to plug a gap in our PE Department.

So, I need to identify the correct PE teacher.

You then get a pie like this, make your way over to the PE

teachers like this. Hi guys, you all right?

You look lovely. All you have to do is get the pie and...

..right in the face.

That's what we are going for. So, let's meet our PE teachers.

Teacher number one is Mrs Webster.

She's been a teacher for eight years

and in her spare time, she does weightlifting.

Teacher number two is Mr Cassie, he's been a teacher for five years.

In the school fashion show,

he had to wear ladies knee-length pop socks.

LAUGHTER

Yes, please. Teacher number three is Mr Gray.

He's been a PE teacher for 12 years.

In his spare time he does yoga. SILENCE

They didn't like that as much.

Teacher number four, Mr Begley, he's been a teacher for two years

and in his spare time he runs ultra marathons.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

OK, we'll go over to Angel's team first.

Who looks like a PE teacher, who disnae?

What are we thinking?

I cannot remember names. I am awful at this.

-Number one and number two...

-They don't deserve names, Angel,

they're teachers. Give them their numbers.

One and two, you do look like PE teachers.

-OK.

-But I'm not too sure about the shoes on number one.

-That's what I was thinking.

-Ohhhh!

-Because they are lovely shoes, but they are fashion-y.

-Exactly.

But they would rub if you went for a run.

You would get blisters on the back of your shoes

-like no-one's business.

-Yes.

Eddie, first impressions, what do you think, mate? Have a look.

Stare them down, apart from number two who's massive.

I would avoid eye contact with him.

We've got number one, she looks a bit like a school nurse

because school nurses wear flats, you see.

Number two, PE teachers, most PE teachers,

you get them really tall, hench PE teachers,

but you don't get a lot of them.

-He just looks too sporty.

-You're too hench, mate!

You're too hench, big man!

You want a bit of this. Yeah? Yeah?

That's PE teacher, right there. Hmmmm.

I regret that.

Number three, although he's wearing the right

uniform, he looks like he could tell students what to do,

but they will probably listen to you because he has a beard.

-Everybody knows to listen to the guy with the beard.

-Everyone knows that.

Always listen to the man with the beard.

Number four, he's wearing a polo T-shirt with a collar on it.

Most teachers don't wear polo T-shirt with collars

because they're restrictive.

Yes, silly head.

Angel's team, have you got any questions?

We would like you to tell us off one at a time.

We are going to mix up the order.

-We've been talking in class, number three.

-Stop that now. Stop.

LAUGHING

-OK, oh, that finger.

-That was very good.

-Two.

I've told you before, outside!

-Oh, my goodness.

-Terrifying.

-You! Outside!

-One.

-Quiet!

Oh, no. Definitely not. Four.

Get out of my class now.

-That's very good.

-Go over to Eddie's team, let them ask questions.

What questions have you got for our PE supply teachers?

You might need to spread out a bit,

can each one of you do a tuck jump with your legs up into the air.

-Everyone else close their eyes.

-OK.

Good.

-Mm-hm.

-Good.

-Great form.

-Very good.

OK, let's see what the audience thinks.

Audience, don't forget, one of these is a supply teacher

and they might get pied so give us

a number from one to four who you think the supply teacher is.

Ready, one, two, three,

shout out who you think the supply teacher is...

SHOUTING

OK, calm down. This is a big moment in our lives.

OK, guys it is time for Eddie to...

Pie The Supply!

Here we go. It's happening, guys.

Oooooh!

LAUGHTER

Number three's beard is even more impressive now. Look at that.

Looks like Santa Claus.

Angel, please come over here. It's time for you to...

Pie The Supply!

OK, Angel, there you go. Who do you think is the real supply teacher?

Ooooooh!

-Menacing.

-Probably all a bit too tall for me. Erm...

LAUGHTER

Double whammy!

It's still on his face.

Are you all right?

If it's not number three now, I am so sorry, mate.

OK, time to find out who the supply teacher is.

Will the real supply teacher please step forward.

GASPS AND CHEERS

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our supply teacher.

Tell you what, no-one gets a gold star.

-What do you actually do, number three?

-I'm a retired police officer.

SHRIEKS

I'm really sorry!

CHEERING

-It's time for Mime Craft.

-'Mime Craft!'

And it is a craft.

I can prove it by showing you my certificate of professional mime.

I'll just fold it up now.

RUSTLING NOISES

I'm just such a purist.

OK, so each team chooses one person to act out as many sporting

activities as they can in 60 seconds.

Their team-mates have to guess what sport it is they are doing.

-Eddie, who do you want to be miming for your team?

-Radzi.

Yeah? OK. So, Radzi, please make your way to the mime area.

60 seconds to get as many as possible, your time starts

when Eddie turns over the first card.

Eddie, take it away. KLAXON

-Yoga.

-Yes!

Tennis.

-Baseball.

-Yes!

-Hurdles.

-Yes.

-Ice skating.

-No.

-Erm...

-Roller skating.

-Yes.

-Dancing.

-Hula hoop.

-Erm...

Oh, erm...

What are you doing?!

Get your hand off your bottom!

Horse riding.

-Unicycle riding.

-Ohhhh! Unicycle... Unicycle...

Unicycle tennis.

Unicycle Polo. Move on.

-Bobsleighing.

-Yes.

-Badminton.

-Yay!

BELL RINGS

OK, Angel, who are you getting to mime for your team?

I think I'm going to go for Ricky.

Ricky, please make your way to the miming area.

-OK, Ricky, 60 seconds starts...

-'School disco!'

School disco!

# I got bills I gotta pay

# So I can work, work, work every day

# I got mouths I gotta feed

# So I'm gonna make sure everybody eats

# I got... #

SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY

So, Ricky, you've got 60 seconds.

Your time starts as soon as Angel puts up the first card.

Angel, take it away. KLAXON

-Tennis.

-Badminton. Shot put.

-No.

-Javelin.

Yes.

-Yoga. Ballerina.

-Karate. Dancing.

-Karate?!

-Dancing ballet.

-Yes!

-Wrestling!

-Yes.

-Eating. Swimming.

-Scuba diving.

You can pass. BUZZER

-Swimming.

-Underwater... Tennis.

-No.

-Hockey.

-Yes!

-Skipping.

-Yes!

-Skateboarding.

-Yes.

-Backswimming.

-Backswimming?! Backstroke.

-Bowls.

-Bowling.

-What type?

Lawn bowls.

Ten bowls.

-Ten-bowl pinning.

-Tenpin bowling.

-Yes!

-Come on!

-BELL RINGS

What was that? What type of bowling did you go for, Ellie?

I think I said ten-bowl pinning.

After this we'll go ten-bowl pinning.

OK, guys, I can reveal that, at the end of that round,

the team with the most correct answers was...

Angel's team!

-English now, it's time for body language.

-'Body Language.'

-Yes!

The game you can play at home.

I'll be asking questions that all have three-letter answers.

Each team has 60 seconds to spell out as many words as they can.

It's barmy, it's bendy, and in a small room, it gets very friendly.

So... I like that very much.

Angel's team, you're up first, so please get ready to spell the beans!

CHEERING

OK, guys, how are you feeling, Angel? Do you like to be in lights?

-Yes.

-Ellie, I can imagine this is what your house is like.

-Everywhere.

-Every door is this. Ricky?

-I feel like I have been put in the box.

-OK.

I'm going to ask you some questions, your time starts

when I asked the first one.

If you're sent to detention you've probably been pretty...

-Bad.

-Bad.

How do I do a D?

I'll give you that.

You might have this for dinner. Corn on the...

-Cob.

-Cob. Ohhhh.

Yes!

The pointy bit of a shark's back...

Fin!

Yes. Don't trump, Ricky, whatever you do.

Correct. This product gives you spiky hair...

-Gel.

-Yes.

-How do you do a G?

Watch Ellie do a G.

Come on, hurry up!

I don't know what a G looks like.

Looks like Angel is going to kick Ricky in the head. Do a G!

-I don't know how.

-You're wasting time.

-That's the kicky-up bit.

I'll give you that.

If I was a magician where would I pull a rabbit from?

Hat.

Correct.

Time is up.

Well done, guys.

Take a sit down.

Eddie's team, please make your way down the front, please.

CHEERING

-Eddie, you ready?

-Yes. Amazing rhyming by the way.

I didn't even mean it, Eddie, you ready?

If you ever go on one leg, make sure you keep steady.

At night, do you sleep with any cuddly toys or anything or...?

-A teddy!

-Ohhhh!

Bonus star to Eddie.

-Well done. Radzi, are you all right?

-I am very well.

-Ever done body shapes on Blue Peter?

-Never before, there is

-a first time for everything.

-Yeah. And, Suze?

-Yeah, good?

-Feeling great?

-I'm excited.

Your time starts when I ask the first question.

First question is Tyrannosaurus's second name?

-Rex.

-Yes.

-Do the shape!

-Oh, yeah!

Like a carpet but smaller.

-Rug.

-Rug.

That's the G.

The centre of this star can reach temperatures

of 15 million degrees Centigrade.

Sun.

Oh, yeah!

Radzi looks like a scared little boy.

If I had two dogs, three elephants and a giraffe

and 14 zebras, how many dogs would I have?

Two!

-How many?

-It's a zoo!

If I had two dogs, three elephants a giraffe and 14 zebras,

how many dogs would I have?

Zero.

-If I had two dogs, how many dogs would I have?

-Two!

Yes.

-What's that?

-It's W.

-This is the middle of a W.

All right. Made by bees and by ears.

Wax.

Hurry up. If you're... Oh! BELL RINGS

That last one was really cruel.

I know, if I had two dogs, how many dogs would I have? Two!

Right, apart from that, well done. Make your way back to the desks.

CHEERING

After that closely fought battle,

I can reveal you both scored the same so you both get a gold star.

And that's it for the show,

all that is left for me to do is tot up the scores.

PHONE RINGS Just a second. Hi, Mum? Yeah.

Have you been keeping the scores?

PHONE BURBLES Yeah, oh, good.

I've not been paying any attention. OK, thanks, Mum.

Yeah, mm-hm. Yeah, mm-hm. PHONE BURBLES

OK, you're boring me now.

OK, let's have a look and bring down the stars.

AUDIENCE: Oooooooh!

And the winners are...

Eddie's team!

CHEERING

Well done, Eddie's team!

As for Angel's team, you lot are in the doghouse and you're going

to have the dog eat your homework and it's detention with Mr Smash.

Off you go.

Time to take the walk of shame.

MUSIC PLAYS

Losers!

Losers!

Losers!

Losers!

That's all for now.

As always, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you next time on.... The Dog Ate My Homework!

# Sees ya! #

APPLAUSE