Episode 14 The Dog Ate My Homework

THEY CHEER

THEY BABBLE

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling,

and this is The Dog Ate My Homework,

28 minutes-ish of fun,

starting from... WATCH BEEPS

..now.

So, let's meet the teams.

On my right is a boy that never uses a doorbell,

probably because he comes from the school of hard knocks.

It's Baz, everyone.

-Here, sir!

-Yes. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And on Baz's team,

a woman who has always wanted to see her name in lights.

That'll never happen till she starts playing those electricity bills.

It's comedian Susan Calman.

-Here, sir.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And, on Baz's team, a man who aims to become a comedy giant

by performing on tiny little stages.

-It's Steve Bugeja.

-Here, sir.

Give it up for their team! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And on my left, a girl who's a big fan of higher education.

She always studies whilst on a plane.

-It's Bonnie, everyone.

-Here, sir!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And joining Bonnie, someone who admits that he's useless at games.

He once played chess and came third.

It's Officially Amazing's Ben Shire.

-Present!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Also on Bonnie's team, someone who says you've got to chase your dreams,

but he's too busy chasing his own tail.

It's Hacker T Dog, everyone!

-Yes, miss.

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

-So, that's the teams.

So, this is what happens. I look to the skies,

and using nothing more than the power of my mind,

summon up a gold, glittering star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Oi, oi, Simon in Graphics, I said...

There we...there we go. A gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Anyway, only the smartest, wittiest and wisest will get these.

But beware - any nonsense and I can take them away,

again, using the power of my mind.

HE GROANS

-You've got really low-rent sound effects...

-I know.

I also made the power of my mind

sound a bit like I was doing a poo as well, which wasn't ideal.

"But how can one man have so much power?" I hear you ask.

Well, it's Iain's school, so it's...?

-AUDIENCE:

-..Iain's rules!

# I've got a catchphrase. #

The team with the most stars at the end of the show

will be crowned champions of everything,

while the losers will have to endure detention

with a man so angry the fire alarm calms him down.

It's Mr Smash.

-HE GRUNTS AUDIENCE:

-Boo.

All right, Smash? Have you been redecorating the office?

Aye! Ha-ha-ha!

It's nice, man. There's something not quite right about it.

-Huh?

-Yeah. HE GRUNTS

No, no, it's not that. Not that. No, no. No.

No. No, it's not a photo of your girlfriend.

No, no. LAUGHTER

Er... Erm... Er...

-Oh!

-Ah, that's much better.

There we go. Lovely stuff.

-Argh!

-GLASS SMASHES

He fell down again.

Guys, let's start the show. Come on!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

This is Stick To The Point.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Stick To The Point.

I throw out some quick-fire questions,

and the teams have to answer as fast as they can.

But if they're too slow, repeat an answer or just start blabbering,

then you have to sit in the shush position.

Can I see everyone's shush positions, please?

Shush position. Double shush - very nice, Bonnie.

OK. There is a shiny gold star waiting for the last team speaking,

and of course, for this, I need my stick of pointiness,

which I will now usher down with the ancient pointy stick dance.

TRIBAL DRUM MUSIC PLAYS

THEY CLAP ALONG

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER Argh...argh.

-Are you OK?

-That was the...

that was the wrong dance. LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what - they're heavier than they look.

Phew!

Stick was here the whole time - that's the worst thing about it.

OK, your time starts when I ask the first question.

Remember, no hesitating, no repeating and no blabbering on.

Here we go. First topic is things you take on holiday.

-Baz.

-Teddy.

-Bonnie.

-Suitcase.

-Yes, please.

-Steve.

-Shoes.

-We all do.

-We do take them. LAUGHTER

-Ben.

-Victorian swimming costume.

-LAUGHTER

That answer's only correct for Ben Shires.

I can see you in one.

-Susan.

-Books.

-Books, yes.

-Hacker.

-Laminated picture of Sue Barker.

LAUGHTER

-Steve.

-Sandals.

-It's all footwear!

-He's obsessed with footwear.

I'm playing a tactical game. I wear a lot of shoes.

He's working from his feet up. Let's see if he can carry on.

-Ben Shires.

-A more relaxed attitude, Iain.

Yeah, that's good. I'll take that.

-Susan.

-An itinerary of everywhere we're going

and everything we're doing for the entire holiday,

so it's not relaxing.

I can imagine you're a joy to go on holiday with.

-Hacker.

-Insect repellent!

-Yes. Steve.

-Flip-flops.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, he feels confident.

-Hacker.

-The return ticket.

LAUGHTER Do you know what?

Do you know what, Hacker?

APPLAUSE

-I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for that.

-Hurrah!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Steve.

-Socks.

LAUGHTER

I've run out of shoes.

-Steve.

-So...!

-Oh, no!

-Shush position.

-I panicked. I panicked!

-Bonnie.

-Your family.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

I want to bring you on holiday.

-Baz.

-Trousers.

I mean, yes, trousers are a must.

-Ben.

-Electric and non-electric toothbrushes

when electric runs out.

So, electric and acoustic toothbrushes.

LAUGHTER

I'm happy with that. Susan.

A phrase book so one can blend in with the locals

-and make a bit more of an effort.

-Yes, please.

-Ben.

-Spacesuit.

-Get in the shush position.

-Oh, come on!

-I'm not having it. Shush position!

-Baz.

-Contact lenses.

-Yes.

-Bonnie.

-Goggles.

-Baz.

-C...goggles.

Oh, shush position. Susan's left standing.

-Hacker.

-I have ran out of answers!

-It's Bonnie versus Susan. Here we go.

-Come on, Susan.

-Susan.

-Sun hat.

Bonnie.

-Oh!

-Get in!

The points go to Baz's team!

APPLAUSE

Right, next one... Right, I'm looking forward to this -

disgusting things you can eat. LAUGHTER

-Hacker.

-Your own droppings!

AUDIENCE GROAN IN DISGUST

I just wanted to get it out of the way. There, it's done.

-Baz.

-Meat paste milkshake.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Bonnie.

Oh! Shush position.

She can't think of anything disgusting.

-Susan.

-Snot.

-AUDIENCE GROAN IN DISGUST

-Ben.

-Anything my mum makes. (Sorry, Mum.)

Oh, look at the mums in the audience.

"That naughty little one. He's got no respect."

It's not worth the point!

-Steve.

-Earwax.

-AUDIENCE GROANS IN DISGUST

-We've all done it.

We haven't.

-Hacker.

-Bogeys!

We've had snot. Shush position, please.

D'oh! I wasn't listening to her.

-Susan.

-Bellybutton cheese.

-AUDIENCE GROANS IN DISGUST

-We're very much going for body fluids.

-We are. We really are.

-Ben.

-Athlete's foot.

-AUDIENCE GROANS IN DISGUST

-You can't eat athlete's foot!

-Have you tried?

-No!

-Well, then, you don't know.

-Shush position.

-No!

-The points go to Baz's team.

-Get in!

APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS Oh, that is the end of the round.

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

-Baz's team!

-Yay!

APPLAUSE

It's time now for Pie The Supply...

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

..where we celebrate the hero of the school world, the teacher,

and by celebrate,

I mean fling a great big custard pie in their face.

In a moment, we'll present the teams

with four people all claiming to be teachers.

All they have to do is identify the three fakers,

and then pie the real one.

Today, we're looking to fill a gap in our history department,

so let's meet the teachers.

AUDIENCE BOO

Boo!

Boo!

Just to give you a little background,

I'm now going to read out our teachers' CVs.

Here we go.

Teacher number one is Mr Hamilton.

He's been a history teacher for six years.

He constantly forgets pupils' names

and likes to write history quizzes in his spare time.

-Sounds like a real joy to be around. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Number two is Mr Athwal.

He's been a teacher for 11 years.

He once got locked in a toilet

and missed two classes before being found.

Teacher number three is Mr Cruickshank.

He's been a history teacher for 16 years.

Last year, he won the school bake-off

with his school-themed croquembouche.

I definitely didn't say that properly.

Finally, teacher number four is Mrs Hoonjan.

She's been a teacher for five years.

She hasn't missed a day of teaching and performs as a Beyonce tribute.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Well, facts there.

So, Bonnie's team, first impressions?

You're looking at them.

Who's got a whiff of teacher about them?

Bonnie, you're still at school.

Which one could you see in the classroom teaching about history?

Erm...number three.

Why number three?

In my old school, history teachers were normally...

erm, they look like him, and that's why I thought that.

-Hacks, what do you think?

-I was thinking number three as well.

-Why?

-Because he's a vision in salmon.

LAUGHTER

I love a bit of salmon.

Ben?

Well, I also was thinking number three, Iain.

Oh, it's not as good day for number three.

No, he's furious.

I mean, he's the eldest, so he's witnessed the most history,

making him the most qualified.

He's a history teacher, but currently, he's dreading his future.

-No.

-Baz's team. Baz?

Erm, I think it's either number one or number three.

-Oh, what made you think that?

-Well, number one looks...

His CV was sensible.

Number one looks like sort of One Direction

once they've got a job in admin a few years down the line.

I was also thinking number three, because, no offence, but...

Well, this is obviously going to be horrific, then.

..because history teachers, they tend to be quite old,

-because they know...

-BAZ GIGGLES

-..they know, like...

-You can stop, Baz.

-Yeah.

So, looking at them, I'm drawn to three first of all.

It's the shoes which are quite important.

That's a good point. I like that observation.

Now, three is wearing the most comfortable men shoes.

-Yes.

-However, let's not ignore number four

with her sensible ballet pumps.

Well, I mean, there's a lot of Beyonce dancing to be done.

And I think what we're meant to think

is that it's number three, because we're all going,

-"That's what a history teacher looks like."

-Yes.

Therefore, I submit to you, Iain Stirling...

that that's what we're meant to think.

And I will not fall for that, Iain Stirling.

I, therefore, am looking at the one beside me

with equally sensible shoes,

cos one and two are clearly not...they're not in my radar.

-No.

-Look at the happiness - they're not teachers.

LAUGHTER

I think four looks dangerously like a sixth form pupil

in number three's class.

Like a really eager sixth form student

who hangs around with teachers.

Like me. She's the female version of me.

Right, Bonnie's team, have you got any questions?

This is for number three, this. This will catch him out.

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Number three.

-Yes.

-History.

-Yes.

-Is there any future in it?

-No, none whatsoever.

-LAUGHTER

-Baz?

-How many friends do you each have?

-LAUGHTER BONNIE:

-What did he say?

-How many friends.

-How many friends do they have.

Number one.

-Exact number.

-Just the people here with me, really.

-I'm hoping possibly three.

-Aw.

That's a very teacher answer. Number two.

Facebook friends, I've got 250 Facebook friends.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

-Number three.

-I live a very sheltered life.

LAUGHTER

-ALL:

-Aw!

APPLAUSE

Number four.

I don't need any friends.

OK... LAUGHTER

Right, let's find out who the audience think.

Guys, is it one, two, three or four? Please vote now using your mouths.

Guys, one, two, three, here we go.

THEY SHOUT MULTIPLE ANSWERS

OK. Calm down.

Bonnie, before you step up, could we actually get everyone

to...could we get all the teachers to kneel down,

cos, genuinely, Bonnie won't be able to reach you.

On your knees, teachers.

OK, Bonnie, they are primed and ready.

It is time for Bonnie to get over here and...

-ANNOUCER:

-Pie The Supply.

OK, there you go, Bonnie. Off we go.

-Go on, Bonnie!

-Go on, Bonnie! Go on, Bonnie!

-Go on, Bonnie!

-ALL:

-Oh....!

-ALL:

-Oh...!

THEY CHEER

Pop it down there, Bonnie. Pop it down there.

Now, that was flan-tastic.

I mean, most people wipe it off their face.

You look like Iron Man.

Right, you can stand back up again.

OK. Baz, you're up next, mate.

-Time for you to... ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

OK, Baz, on you go, mate.

Here we go. Baz is going, everyone.

-ALL:

-Oh...!

-ALL:

-Oh...!

One! He got one! THEY CHEER

No-one saw it coming!

I hope you didn't buy that shirt special.

Well, one and three,

which means one of you has pied the supply teacher

and one of you has made a horrible error.

Bonnie, why did you pick number three?

Well, everything that we've been saying about number three,

it made me think that he's going to be the history teacher.

And when I got up there, I looked in their eyes

and his...like, yeah.

She saw into his soul, Iain.

"I looked into their eyes, and his soul screamed the past."

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

Baz, why number one?

Because he sounded like a teacher,

and we thought, like,

he's the sort of, like, young history teacher

-that has been teaching for a couple of years.

-OK.

Let's find out who the real teacher is.

Will the real history teacher please step forwards?

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Yes!

Amazing.

In that case, the points, and then the gold star,

-goes to Baz's team!

-Yay!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Time now for career advice.

This is Who Do You Think You Are? -

the point in the show where two of our celebrities

have to stick their mush in the Hole of Fame.

-ANNOUCER:

-The Hole of Fame.

What we do is project the body of a much more famous person

onto our own celebrity,

and they have to guess who they are

by asking a series of yes-and-no questions.

-Susan, you're up first for Baz's team...

-OK.

..so please make your way to the Hole of Fame!

-OK. All right.

-ANNOUNCER:

-The Hole of Fame.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Susan.

-Yes.

-It's time to make you more famous.

Gora, gora, smitha tat! AUDIENCE GIGGLE

Right, Susie, you had to work out who you are

-asking a series of yes-and-no questions.

-OK.

-Got it.

-Here we go.

-OK. Am I a man?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Am I a pop star?

-No.

-No. Oh, you were.

-Oh, yeah, you were.

-Yes.

-I was?

-Am I my dancer?

-No.

-No.

From that photo, it might suggest you are, but you're not.

-Am I...a politician?

-No.

-Am I a model?

-No.

-Am I...am I still in show business?

-Yes.

-Very much so.

-OK, I'm not an actor, I'm not a dancer...

-No.

Am I a director?

I mean, the job you do is probably one of the hardest jobs,

and if anyone's capable of doing it, it's a real skill.

-Am I a host of a television panel show?

-Yeah!

-No.

-You are...

-I'm a host of a show?

-Yes.

OK. I'm a host of a show on British television?

-Yes.

-OK.

So, I used to be a pop star, now I host a show TV.

Is it on ITV?

-Yes.

-Quite a lot of them.

-Oh, come on, Susan. You've got time. You can do it.

-Am I Ant or Dec?

-Yes! What one? Which one?

-Am I Ant?

-I don't know!

-You are! Yes!

-I'm Ant! Yes?

-No, you're not! I don't know who they are!

-The other one!

Am I Declan Donnelly?

-Yes!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ben, it's now time for you to assume the position in the Hole of Fame.

-ANNOUNCER:

-The Hole of Fame.

In you come, Ben. Here we go.

Lovely...lovely stuff. LAUGHTER

OK, Ben,

time to make you more famous.

Kah-blamo!

-LAUGHTER

-I did not see that coming.

-No, no-one did.

-You look...

-I did not see that coming.

-..you look incredible, Ben.

Ben, how do you feel?

Finally, the reaction I've been waiting for all day.

Hello, adoring fans!

LAUGHTER

Wherever I am, I think I'd do that. That's my thing.

You know what? You look so good

-I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for that.

-Yay!

-That's how good you look.

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Right, you have got yes-or-no questions to

work out who you are.

You look fantastic, but who are you?

OK. Am I a man?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Am I a...a pop star?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-Ooh...

Am I...an actor?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Am I American?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Yes.

OK, American male movie star.

-He was in...

-I must admit, this one is rock hard, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's a difficult one.

-It's really difficult, this one.

Difficult... It's rock...rock...

Ooh, was I in a film called The Rock?

-No.

-No.

-Well, why did you say rock hard, then?

-It was a clue.

No. You were really close when you said The Rock.

I was really close...

-Oh, am I The Rock?

-Yeah.

-Yes, you are.

-Oh! Am I Dwayne Johnson?

-Hurrah!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Well done, both teams.

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

Bonnie's team!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Time now for some maths, but don't worry, it's not pants.

It's time for Smarty Pants...

-ANNOUNCER:

-Smarty Pants.

..the game that finally unites the two worlds of maths and underwear.

Lovely.

One member of each team puts on a pair of Mr Smash's Y-fronts.

Here they are here.

Rather fetching, I think you'll agree.

Then all you have to do is work out a series of tricky maths questions

and fill up the underscants

with the relevant number of coloured foamy things,

to give them their technical term.

They then run over to their tube and drop them off.

The team with the correct number at the end wins the round.

So, captains, who is going to shift these units for you?

-Baz, who are you thinking?

-Steve.

-Steve?

-Yeah.

Do you like wearing massive pants and running around?

It has always been my dream.

As Steve likes to call it, Sunday afternoons.

Bonnie, Hacker or Ben?

Who is going to carry out this physical activity?

I can't imagine.

I did volunteer, but Ben said he would do it.

-I was insistent.

-Ben.

-Oh, thanks, Bonnie.

-Cheers, Ben.

OK, Ben, don't worry -

I've got a massive pair of pants for you too.

Guys, come over and get your underscants.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And let's play Smarty Pants.

Guys, your time starts when I ask the first question,

and you first question is...

How many zeros are there in a billion?

Oh, erm...

How many zeros in a billion?

Shout out the answers.

-What is it? What is it?

-Nine.

-How many is it?

-Nine.

-Five.

-There's more than five!

-It's more than five.

-Nine.

-Nine. Come on, Steve.

-Utilise your bottom.

-Utilise...

-Go!

-Go... Go, Steve, go.

-Oh!

-No!

-You've dropped one! You've dropped one, Steve.

Get those pants cleared out. Clear out those pants.

BUZZER RINGS All right. Next question.

In rugby union, a try is worth how many points?

-Go!

-Five! Five! Five!

-Five, Steve!

-Five!

-Five!

-Come on. Use the bottom. You can use your bottom area.

-Go!

-Feel free to help out.

-Five!

-Come on. Come on.

Get up, Ben Shires. BUZZER RINGS

In the USA, what is the maximum number of the years

a president can stay in office?

Eight. Eight. Eight!

-There's a...blockage!

-Go on, Ben!

-CHANTING:

-Ben! Ben! Ben!

Eight! Eight!

-Say, "Eight."

-Eight!

Oh, there's a fight! Get him up!

Go on, Ben!

It's a health and safety nightmare.

Get 'em in. Get 'em in. Get 'em in.

-ANNOUNCER:

-School disco!

School disco!

# There's no denying

# I'm ready for this

# You stop me falling

# I'm ready for this

# I need you all in

# I'm ready for this

# So, darling, hold my hand

-# Soul is like a melting pot... #

-RECORD SKIPS

A football team has how many players on the pitch? Keep going!

Come on!

This is a high number. Will the pants sustain the pressure?

11!

Come on, guys. That is a lot.

-CHANTING:

-Steve! Steve! Steve!

You've dropped one. You've dropped one.

First one back to the buzzer, first one back to the buzzer.

Who's back first?! BUZZER RINGS

Final question. How many bones in a giraffe's neck?

It's the final question!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-Come on. Final question.

-Seven!

Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Drop them in!

-BELL RINGS Time's up.

-Is it done?

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Woo!

-Ben, come and stand with me.

-Ergh...

Come and stand with me.

OK, here we go. All the answers.

How many zeros are there in a billion? Answer was nine.

In rugby union, a try is worth how many points? Five.

In the USA, what's the maximum number of years

a president can stay in office? Eight.

A football team has how many players on the pitch? 11.

How many bones in a giraffe's neck? Seven.

Comes to 40.

So, we're looking for the closest to 40.

If you're bang on, you get the gold star.

Let's have a look. Here we go. One, two, three, four, five...

..38, 39, 40, 41.

-He's just missed it!

-Argh!

APPLAUSE

Steve Bugeja, how are you feeling?

I am so unfit.

-If you've got 40, you get the gold star. Let's have a look.

-OK.

One, two, three, four...

..35, 36, 37.

-Oh!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Which means the gold star goes to Bonnie's team!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And, sadly, that is just about that.

All that remains is for me to call down the stars

and add up the scores.

So, please, send down the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And today's winners are...

Bonnie's team!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Bonnie's team. You get to bask in your own glory.

As for Baz's team, the dog gets your homework,

and you get a fate worse than double maths -

it's detention with Mr Smash.

So, guys, it's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la, la-la-la

-Losers

# Losers. #

So, admittedly, we didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you guys next time on...

The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CHEER