Episode 10 The Dog Ate My Homework

Hello. I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a show that critics have been complaining isn't tropical enough.

Well, how's this for tropical?

Wait...wait. Wait, so...

Wait, what?

Oh...

Isn't TOPICAL enough?

Sorry. Topical.

Sorry, can we cancel the orangutans, please?

Thank you, cheers.

Right, let's take the register.

On my right, a girl that was going to read the dictionary

cover to cover but then she thought,

"Nah, I'll wait till the film comes out."

It's Asante, everybody!

Here, sir!

And on Asante's team,

other comedians say he lights up the stage,

and as soon as he stops bringing a torch to gigs, the better.

It's the comedian Tom Allen.

Oh, here, sir.

And finally on Asante's team,

a presenter who wanted to be a ventriloquist until he realised that

he was meant to keep his mouth shut for up to three seconds.

It's Chris Yonko Yentl Johnson...

It's Chris Johnson!

Here, sir.

And on my left,

the boy who, in cookery class, was the only one to get his

upside down cake inside out and back to front.

It's George!

Here, sir.

And on George's team, an actress who was always late for ballet class.

She avoided getting into trouble by creeping in on her tiptoes.

It's Dominique Moore.

Here, miss... sir!

And finally on George's team,

an impressionist who can hopefully do me.

Therefore it will sound like there's two Iains in the studio.

Go on, do your... do your Iain Stirling.

Here, sir!

I do not sound like that.

I do not sound like that.

It's Luke Kempner, everybody!

Let's have a big round of applause for both teams!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Let's play some games, why don't we?

Yes, Iain, that's a brilliant idea.

You have so many great ideas.

Thank you, my other personality.

We'll be playing for these gold stars!

-AUDIENCE:

-Wooo!

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, let's see how thick today's guests are.

But of course, they won't be, they're all dead clever,

they're going to win loads of stars - unless they misbehave.

In which case, I'm taking those stars away.

You'd love it really, cos it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules.

I've got a catchphrase!

Don't know why I've done that, it's weird.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man who eats angry for breakfast.

It's Mr Smash.

ANGRY GROWLING

And today, everyone, Mr Smash is going to judge which of our panel

can do the best Mr Smash impression.

So, Mr Smash, give them a little example.

OK. For a bonus star, best Mr Smash impression - go!

Do you know what, Tom? Bonus star for you, my friend.

Thank you, I shall put it with my other stars.

In Hollywood.

Guys, give it up for our teams again!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Go on, then, Smashy, what's it's time for?

HE GROWLS NONSENSE

-ANNOUNCER:

-Watch your mouth.

Yes, it's time for Watch Your Mouth.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Watch Your Mouth.

This is where we get the panel to talk properly

whilst wearing a constant growl like Mr Smash, using one of these.

It is the Mr Smash growl-maker.

Teams, please put your growl-makers in, put them in.

Get them in your gobs.

Get them right in.

Oh, you're looking good.

You all can get your tongue out?

OK, it's a buzzer round, so we'll get some questions.

Here we go.

It's general knowledge...

-ANNOUNCER:

-School disco!

School disco!

MUSIC: I Will Never Let You Down by Rita Ora

OK. First one to buzz in gets to answer the question.

Here is your first question.

Perrie, Jesy, Leigh-Anne and Jade...

-ANNOUNCER:

-George.

Dominique.

I can't stop dribbling.

-What?

-I can't stop dribbling.

What's the answer to the question?

Little Mix.

Little Mix is correct!

OK.

OK, and for a bonus point,

can anyone in your team name me three things you'd find

in a pick and mix?

Gummy bears.

Fudge!

Fudge?

And strawberry lace!

Strawberry lace? That's correct. Three more points!

OK, next question. First one to buzz in.

Air Force One is an aircraft traditionally used by...

-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

The President of the United States.

Yes, Tom!

Tom can speak better with it in.

Bonus gold star for Asante's team, that was incredible.

And, for a bonus point, name three of the 50 states in North America.

Texas.

New York.

Florida.

Yes, it is. More points!

-ASANTE:

-Well done, well done.

OK, in sports such as rugby and football,

a referee would blow into what to signal the end of the game?

-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

A whistle.

A whistle?

Yes, Tom, correct.

And Tom, for a bonus point, it's very simple.

We can share this.

All you have to do is blow into this whistle.

Blow the whistle.

Give it a blow.

No noise, no points, I'm afraid.

OK, next question.

Here we go. Alexander Graham Bell is most famous for his pioneering work

in the development of...

-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

Chris Johnson Yonko Yenkay?

The telephone.

One more time?

The telephone.

OK.

It was going to be, for a bonus point, three things that ring,

but Chris, for you, bonus point if you eat this cracker.

For a bonus gold star, will you try eat this cracker?

Yeah, go on.

He's going to do it!

-Just take one, they're nice and clean.

-Thanks very much.

You've got to eat the cracker.

Like a mouse, like a mouse.

You're doing great.

Keep going!

Do that! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, see? It helps!

Keep... No!

That's disgusting.

All gone!

Chris, I'm going to give you a bonus gold star as well, mate.

You might want to wash that down with a glass of water, Chris.

Yeah.

No...

Go on! Go on!

I have the best job in the world.

What is the name of the muscular organ inside your mouth

that we use to taste food?

-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

Yes?

Tongue.

Is correct.

Tom is perfect for this.

For a bonus point,

I want you to repeat the tongue twister,

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."

Tom.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Is correct!

Bonus gold star.

BELL RINGS

Oh! At the end of that round, I can tell you that the gold star

goes to our winning side, which was...

Asante's team!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes, people, it's time for Body Language.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Body Language.

I'll ask questions which all have three-letter answers.

Our teams have until the bell rings to spell as many answers as they can

using nothing bar their body.

Asante's team, you are up first,

so please take your place at the Body Language Frame.

OK, your time starts when I ask your first question,

and your first question is...

You need one of these to play either snooker or pool.

-Cue!

-Yes, correct.

-Right, erm...

Spell it out.

What are you doing?

U, Asante. What are you going?

I'll give you that.

Finish the name of this animated film series.

Ice what?

-Ice Age. Yes!

-Oh!

Oh, Asante's got the G now.

Let's see what she can do.

I feel like you should try and do more lower case E.

Yeah, go for a lower case E.

Maybe like...

Hang on.

Take your time.

What are you doing? A G?!

What are you doing, both of you?

What are you doing, Tom?

Do an E!

Finish the sequence.

Jack, Queen, King...

-Ace, ace.

-Yes!

Another E, again!

I just showed you how to do it!

Now Tom looks like he's going for a wee.

I can't do it now. Hang on. I can do it like that.

You're the wrong way round, Asante.

There it is.

I'll give you that, correct!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

If I was one of Santa's little helpers, I would be a Christmas...

-Elf.

-Elf.

-Elf, elf, elf, er...

It's the easiest one for Tom, he's absolutely smashed that.

I'm absolutely smashing this.

Asante, what way... Is your L in a mirror? What's happening here?

Asante, what are you doing?!

Yeah, I'll give you that - correct!

Yes!

A slow paced run is also known as a...

It's another G for Tom!

A jog.

-What?

-Jog.

-Oh.

Jog. I think...

You're not going for a jog, Tom, you're doing the...

I think... Mmm, that's not really a G, is it?

Are you just flexing now, Tom?

Like that, maybe?

Yeah, I'll give you that. That's fine, that's good.

One of Superman's best known abilities.

-Fly.

-Yes!

-Oh, easy.

-Oh, wrong way.

I know this one from the song.

If it isn't the beginning, it is the...

-End.

-Is it?

BELL RINGS Oh, time's up.

You're just out of time. You didn't get that last one, unfortunately.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Asante's team.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Dominique, you're in the much-coveted Tom position.

Do you think you can beat Tom?

Do I!

No, yeah, no - do you think you can beat Tom?

-I mean, probably not.

-OK, cool.

Your time starts when I read out the first clue.

And the first clue is to be a great actor, you have to be able to...

-Oh...bow.

-Bow.

-Bow?

-Act!

Act.

He's an actor, he's an actual actor.

I always bow at the end!

So wait, I'm T. I'm T.

You're T.

Shall I be a capital T or...?

-Just do a T!

-Dominique!

OK, I'll give you that one, I'll give you that one.

A three-letter word for an area of marsh-like wetland.

-Bog.

-Yeah, bog.

-Bog.

-So now I'm G?

-Dominique's got the G. Here we go.

I don't know what Luke's doing.

B, mate.

I'll give you that, I'll give you that. That's correct.

What an American might call a taxi.

-A cab.

-Cab.

-Cab.

-Cab.

A.

I want you all to do this one sitting down.

YMC...

Sitting down.

OK, I give you that, I'll give you that.

A sweet, sugary fruit spread on toast.

-Jam.

-Jam.

A.

You're the wrong way, ain't you, for a J?

No?

The target score on each hole of a golf course.

The target score.

-Par.

-Hole.

-Par.

-Par.

I'll give you that one, OK.

The pointed bit on the shark's back, known as its dorsal...

-Fin!

-Fin, Fin.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a quick one, I'll give you that one, carry on.

Which three letter abbreviation is the short name given to

the cold-like influenza virus?

-Flu, flu!

-Yes. Hurry, let's do it quick!

Am I... I'm...I'm U.

Dominique, it's three-letter words.

Bonus gold star to Dominique for that one.

The joint at your waist that allows us to walk and run and jump?

-Hip.

-Hip.

-Yes, hip.

BELL RINGS

Time's up, time's up!

I can tell you that at the end of that round, the winning team,

and receiving a gold star, is...

..George's team!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Time now for the greatest round of a panel show of all time

in the last few years.

It's time for Pie The Supply.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

Yes, we will certainly try.

In a moment, we'll meet four people all claiming to be modern language

supply teachers, but only one is telling the truth,

and here they are - our four teachers.

Number one, Mrs Brewer.

Number two, Mr Lang.

Number three, Miss O'Grady.

Number four, Mr Egglestone.

Asante, you're more school age than Chris and Tom.

Who's got a whiff of teacher about them?

-Number one.

-Number one, any reason?

Just, you've got the vibes?

Just, I've got that...

Chris and Tom, you willing to go with that?

Yeah. I think number one would be good at telling people

to shut up in French.

OK, George's team.

One, two, three or four?

Just first impressions, that's all I'm after.

-What do you reckon? You reckon number two?

-Yeah, number two.

He...he's looking at me.

I think number two looks trustworthy.

I think if I was in a class with number two, I'd...

I'd believe what he'd said.

Asante's team, exciting time.

-You get to ask them some questions, now.

-Ooh!

-What their key subject? Modern language?

-Modern language.

We've not specified which yet.

I mean, I did notice one of them...

You were looking the other way,

but I'm not going to say whether it was one, two, three or four,

but one of them, when I said "modern languages", literally went...

Number three, I think, as a test,

I would like you to sing a French chanson

that you would use with your class.

I couldn't even sing an English chanson with a class.

-Could you not?

-No, I really couldn't.

OK, so that's...cos I think all French teachers,

and probably German teachers as well,

can whip out a guitar at the drop of a hat and start doing...

"Quelle est la date de ton anniversaire?"

All the time. Or, in German, we had "Hallo, wie heisst du?

"Ich heisse Stefan.

"Guten tag, Stefan.

"Ich heisse Stefan."

Bonus gold star for Tom's wonderful singing.

Do you want me to do it with the mouthguard in?

Oh, Tom!

-Asante, yes?

-I have one more question.

Oh, ask as many as you want!

If a school inspector came in, what surprise would you give them?

Oh, brilliant question!

Number two?

I would be on a day off.

Very good.

A bonus gold star for teacher number two!

Wait, whose team is he on?

He's on his own team, and he's smashing it.

Right, George's team, do you want to ask some questions?

How do you prepare to be a modern language teacher?

Because does that mean you have to, like, study street slang?

Are you going to ask them all their favourite slang term?

Well, I guess if they've studied it, then, yeah.

I love this.

OK, teachers, your favourite street, like, you get me, bruv, yeah?

Yeah, one woman started clapping and everyone else went,

"Nah, we're not going to clap that guy.

"We never can clap that Iain Stirling, like.

"He's not got the slang down, he can't do a dab."

Yo, I can, man. Dab!

Did you get that, eh?

You get me?

I'll be walking into my modern language class, like, dab!

Sorry, what is dab?

Oh, my goodness.

Can we please... Asante, can we please explain dabbing to Tom?

And then Tom will do a dab and it will be one of the most

glorious things that ever happened.

Right.

You put one hand there,

and one hand there.

-And you just go like that?

-Yeah.

-What, and that's a thing now?

-Yeah.

Everybody does it.

So it's like a dance?

Cos Iain was doing it like you walk into a room and go, "Hi!"

Is that what happens?

I mean, I think I have misunderstood what it actually was.

OK, we're slightly off topic.

Teachers, your favourite slang, modern slang phrase.

Teacher number four?

I don't do street slang.

Oh, stern. Stern, very stern.

Number one?

A bit before my time.

OK, one more question, then we're going to answer the audience

who they think the supply teacher is.

OK, so, as it's modern language,

you're a modern language teacher,

can you say "I would not like a pie in my face" in your chosen language,

but not English?

Je ne voudrais pas une pie en ma visage.

Oh!

Yes!

Number three.

Ich wollte nicht ein pie

nicht...haben.

Ja, ja.

Ja. Das ist gut.

-CHRIS:

-Das ist vastly gut!

-TOM:

-Das ist super!

Number four?

I don't want no pie in my face, innit!

Yes! Yes!

Mate, if number four had dabbed at the end,

that would have been game over.

Is number... is number four's modern language absolute legend?

OK, audience, who do you think is a modern language teacher?

One, two, three, or four?

Please vote using your vocal cords in a language of your choice.

Make it English. Now!

OK, OK, OK, OK, calm down.

OK.

There's a lot of ones, there's a lot of fours, but that doesn't matter.

Asante, you're about to pie a supply - off you go!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

Go on, Asante.

Gentle, gentle, remember, Asante.

There's plenty of custard on there to go round.

George, you're up next.

It's time for you to Pie The Supply.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

Off you go, Georgie.

Nice and gently, remember. There's plenty of pie on there.

-This is the best time of my life.

-Here he comes.

-Thanks.

Georgie boy.

There, there.

You were meant to do it gently, remember?

I'm sorry.

He's really sorry.

Yeah, sorry, from our team!

OK, I really, really hope it's number four.

If it's not number four, I apologise.

Would the real modern language teacher please step forward?

Oh, no!

No!

Oh...so, you both got it wrong, so neither of you get a gold star.

George, I'm taking a gold star off, because that was brutal.

At the end of that round, no-one gets a gold star,

but we did pie two people in the face!

Time for The School Run.

-ANNOUNCER:

-The School Run.

Getting to school on time's always a nightmare,

and that goes double for my little friends here.

Bye, guys.

CRASH, GLASS BREAKING

It's a tag-team relay where the team that drops everyone off at school

and makes it home first being the winners.

So, teams, let's go home, and by home, I mean the starting line.

Right, we're all in our pyjamas, we've all got our children,

ready to take them to school.

Guys? It's time to take your kids to school in three, two, one...

Go!

Go!

-DOMINIQUE:

-Who's going to go slowly, do you reckon?

Just checking for traffic. You didn't check for traffic!

You've got to drop the kids off at school!

Mummy loves you. Have a lovely day at school.

Changeover, quick changeover.

Go, go, go! Stop, stop, stop. Stop!

Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Look how quick hers is!

Where's Dominique?

Get off, get off, get off!

Get off!

Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, it's not in, it's not in!

There you go.

Oh, he's caught right up.

Oh, it's neck and neck!

It's neck and neck!

I want a good, clean fight, gentlemen.

Go, go, go, go, go!

-TOM:

-Oh, wow!

Whoa!

So fast! It's too fast.

No, no!

So close!

It's so close!

Yeah!

HORN

And at the end of that round...

Well done!

..George's team, they get themselves a gold star!

And that's just about it, so let's add up the stars.

And the winners are...

Asante's team!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, you each win a Dog Ate My Homework paperclip,

which... They're around somewhere,

I must have knocked them over during all the excitement.

As for George's team, not only is a dog going to eat your homework,

but you have to do detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

Losers!

Losers!

Losers!

Losers!

Losers!

So that's your lot. As ever, we probably didn't learn much.

But, do you know what? It was fun trying.

See you next time, on...

The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!