Episode 10 The Dog Ate My Homework


Episode 10

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Transcript


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Hello. I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

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a show that critics have been complaining isn't tropical enough.

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Well, how's this for tropical?

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Wait...wait. Wait, so...

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Wait, what?

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Oh...

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Isn't TOPICAL enough?

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Sorry. Topical.

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Sorry, can we cancel the orangutans, please?

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Thank you, cheers.

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Right, let's take the register.

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On my right, a girl that was going to read the dictionary

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cover to cover but then she thought,

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"Nah, I'll wait till the film comes out."

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It's Asante, everybody!

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Here, sir!

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And on Asante's team,

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other comedians say he lights up the stage,

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and as soon as he stops bringing a torch to gigs, the better.

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It's the comedian Tom Allen.

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Oh, here, sir.

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And finally on Asante's team,

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a presenter who wanted to be a ventriloquist until he realised that

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he was meant to keep his mouth shut for up to three seconds.

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It's Chris Yonko Yentl Johnson...

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It's Chris Johnson!

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Here, sir.

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And on my left,

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the boy who, in cookery class, was the only one to get his

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upside down cake inside out and back to front.

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It's George!

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Here, sir.

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And on George's team, an actress who was always late for ballet class.

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She avoided getting into trouble by creeping in on her tiptoes.

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It's Dominique Moore.

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Here, miss... sir!

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And finally on George's team,

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an impressionist who can hopefully do me.

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Therefore it will sound like there's two Iains in the studio.

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Go on, do your... do your Iain Stirling.

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Here, sir!

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I do not sound like that.

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I do not sound like that.

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It's Luke Kempner, everybody!

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Let's have a big round of applause for both teams!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Let's play some games, why don't we?

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Yes, Iain, that's a brilliant idea.

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You have so many great ideas.

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Thank you, my other personality.

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We'll be playing for these gold stars!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Wooo!

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Twinkle, twinkle, little star, let's see how thick today's guests are.

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But of course, they won't be, they're all dead clever,

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they're going to win loads of stars - unless they misbehave.

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In which case, I'm taking those stars away.

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You'd love it really, cos it's Iain's school, so it's...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules.

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I've got a catchphrase!

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Don't know why I've done that, it's weird.

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The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

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while the losers face detention with a man who eats angry for breakfast.

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It's Mr Smash.

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ANGRY GROWLING

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And today, everyone, Mr Smash is going to judge which of our panel

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can do the best Mr Smash impression.

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So, Mr Smash, give them a little example.

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OK. For a bonus star, best Mr Smash impression - go!

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Do you know what, Tom? Bonus star for you, my friend.

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Thank you, I shall put it with my other stars.

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In Hollywood.

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Guys, give it up for our teams again!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Go on, then, Smashy, what's it's time for?

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HE GROWLS NONSENSE

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Watch your mouth.

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Yes, it's time for Watch Your Mouth.

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Watch Your Mouth.

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This is where we get the panel to talk properly

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whilst wearing a constant growl like Mr Smash, using one of these.

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It is the Mr Smash growl-maker.

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Teams, please put your growl-makers in, put them in.

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Get them in your gobs.

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Get them right in.

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Oh, you're looking good.

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You all can get your tongue out?

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OK, it's a buzzer round, so we'll get some questions.

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Here we go.

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It's general knowledge...

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-ANNOUNCER:

-School disco!

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School disco!

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MUSIC: I Will Never Let You Down by Rita Ora

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OK. First one to buzz in gets to answer the question.

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Here is your first question.

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Perrie, Jesy, Leigh-Anne and Jade...

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-ANNOUNCER:

-George.

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Dominique.

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I can't stop dribbling.

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-What?

-I can't stop dribbling.

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What's the answer to the question?

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Little Mix.

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Little Mix is correct!

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OK.

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OK, and for a bonus point,

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can anyone in your team name me three things you'd find

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in a pick and mix?

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Gummy bears.

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Fudge!

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Fudge?

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And strawberry lace!

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Strawberry lace? That's correct. Three more points!

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OK, next question. First one to buzz in.

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Air Force One is an aircraft traditionally used by...

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

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The President of the United States.

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Yes, Tom!

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Tom can speak better with it in.

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Bonus gold star for Asante's team, that was incredible.

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And, for a bonus point, name three of the 50 states in North America.

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Texas.

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New York.

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Florida.

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Yes, it is. More points!

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-ASANTE:

-Well done, well done.

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OK, in sports such as rugby and football,

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a referee would blow into what to signal the end of the game?

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

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A whistle.

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A whistle?

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Yes, Tom, correct.

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And Tom, for a bonus point, it's very simple.

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We can share this.

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All you have to do is blow into this whistle.

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Blow the whistle.

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Give it a blow.

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No noise, no points, I'm afraid.

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OK, next question.

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Here we go. Alexander Graham Bell is most famous for his pioneering work

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in the development of...

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

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Chris Johnson Yonko Yenkay?

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The telephone.

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One more time?

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The telephone.

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OK.

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It was going to be, for a bonus point, three things that ring,

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but Chris, for you, bonus point if you eat this cracker.

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For a bonus gold star, will you try eat this cracker?

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Yeah, go on.

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He's going to do it!

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-Just take one, they're nice and clean.

-Thanks very much.

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You've got to eat the cracker.

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Like a mouse, like a mouse.

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You're doing great.

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Keep going!

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Do that! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Yeah, see? It helps!

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Keep... No!

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That's disgusting.

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All gone!

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Chris, I'm going to give you a bonus gold star as well, mate.

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You might want to wash that down with a glass of water, Chris.

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Yeah.

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No...

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Go on! Go on!

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I have the best job in the world.

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What is the name of the muscular organ inside your mouth

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that we use to taste food?

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Asante.

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Yes?

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Tongue.

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Is correct.

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Tom is perfect for this.

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For a bonus point,

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I want you to repeat the tongue twister,

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"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."

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Tom.

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Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

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Is correct!

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Bonus gold star.

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BELL RINGS

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Oh! At the end of that round, I can tell you that the gold star

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goes to our winning side, which was...

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Asante's team!

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, yes, people, it's time for Body Language.

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Body Language.

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I'll ask questions which all have three-letter answers.

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Our teams have until the bell rings to spell as many answers as they can

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using nothing bar their body.

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Asante's team, you are up first,

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so please take your place at the Body Language Frame.

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OK, your time starts when I ask your first question,

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and your first question is...

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You need one of these to play either snooker or pool.

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-Cue!

-Yes, correct.

-Right, erm...

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Spell it out.

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What are you doing?

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U, Asante. What are you going?

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I'll give you that.

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Finish the name of this animated film series.

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Ice what?

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-Ice Age. Yes!

-Oh!

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Oh, Asante's got the G now.

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Let's see what she can do.

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I feel like you should try and do more lower case E.

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Yeah, go for a lower case E.

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Maybe like...

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Hang on.

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Take your time.

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What are you doing? A G?!

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What are you doing, both of you?

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What are you doing, Tom?

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Do an E!

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Finish the sequence.

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Jack, Queen, King...

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-Ace, ace.

-Yes!

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Another E, again!

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I just showed you how to do it!

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Now Tom looks like he's going for a wee.

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I can't do it now. Hang on. I can do it like that.

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You're the wrong way round, Asante.

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There it is.

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I'll give you that, correct!

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-Yeah!

-Yeah!

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If I was one of Santa's little helpers, I would be a Christmas...

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-Elf.

-Elf.

-Elf, elf, elf, er...

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It's the easiest one for Tom, he's absolutely smashed that.

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I'm absolutely smashing this.

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Asante, what way... Is your L in a mirror? What's happening here?

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Asante, what are you doing?!

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Yeah, I'll give you that - correct!

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Yes!

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A slow paced run is also known as a...

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It's another G for Tom!

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A jog.

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-What?

-Jog.

-Oh.

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Jog. I think...

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You're not going for a jog, Tom, you're doing the...

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I think... Mmm, that's not really a G, is it?

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Are you just flexing now, Tom?

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Like that, maybe?

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Yeah, I'll give you that. That's fine, that's good.

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One of Superman's best known abilities.

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-Fly.

-Yes!

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-Oh, easy.

-Oh, wrong way.

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I know this one from the song.

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If it isn't the beginning, it is the...

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-End.

-Is it?

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BELL RINGS Oh, time's up.

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You're just out of time. You didn't get that last one, unfortunately.

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Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Asante's team.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Dominique, you're in the much-coveted Tom position.

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Do you think you can beat Tom?

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Do I!

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No, yeah, no - do you think you can beat Tom?

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-I mean, probably not.

-OK, cool.

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Your time starts when I read out the first clue.

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And the first clue is to be a great actor, you have to be able to...

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-Oh...bow.

-Bow.

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-Bow?

-Act!

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Act.

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He's an actor, he's an actual actor.

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I always bow at the end!

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So wait, I'm T. I'm T.

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You're T.

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Shall I be a capital T or...?

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-Just do a T!

-Dominique!

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OK, I'll give you that one, I'll give you that one.

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A three-letter word for an area of marsh-like wetland.

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-Bog.

-Yeah, bog.

-Bog.

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-So now I'm G?

-Dominique's got the G. Here we go.

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I don't know what Luke's doing.

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B, mate.

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I'll give you that, I'll give you that. That's correct.

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What an American might call a taxi.

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-A cab.

-Cab.

-Cab.

-Cab.

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A.

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I want you all to do this one sitting down.

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YMC...

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Sitting down.

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OK, I give you that, I'll give you that.

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A sweet, sugary fruit spread on toast.

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-Jam.

-Jam.

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A.

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You're the wrong way, ain't you, for a J?

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No?

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The target score on each hole of a golf course.

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The target score.

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-Par.

-Hole.

-Par.

-Par.

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I'll give you that one, OK.

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The pointed bit on the shark's back, known as its dorsal...

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-Fin!

-Fin, Fin.

-Oh, yeah.

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Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a quick one, I'll give you that one, carry on.

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Which three letter abbreviation is the short name given to

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the cold-like influenza virus?

0:14:360:14:38

-Flu, flu!

-Yes. Hurry, let's do it quick!

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Am I... I'm...I'm U.

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Dominique, it's three-letter words.

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Bonus gold star to Dominique for that one.

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The joint at your waist that allows us to walk and run and jump?

0:14:520:14:56

-Hip.

-Hip.

-Yes, hip.

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BELL RINGS

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Time's up, time's up!

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I can tell you that at the end of that round, the winning team,

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and receiving a gold star, is...

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..George's team!

0:15:120:15:13

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Time now for the greatest round of a panel show of all time

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in the last few years.

0:15:230:15:25

It's time for Pie The Supply.

0:15:250:15:28

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

0:15:280:15:31

Yes, we will certainly try.

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In a moment, we'll meet four people all claiming to be modern language

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supply teachers, but only one is telling the truth,

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and here they are - our four teachers.

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Number one, Mrs Brewer.

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Number two, Mr Lang.

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Number three, Miss O'Grady.

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Number four, Mr Egglestone.

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Asante, you're more school age than Chris and Tom.

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Who's got a whiff of teacher about them?

0:15:590:16:02

-Number one.

-Number one, any reason?

0:16:020:16:05

Just, you've got the vibes?

0:16:050:16:06

Just, I've got that...

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Chris and Tom, you willing to go with that?

0:16:070:16:08

Yeah. I think number one would be good at telling people

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to shut up in French.

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OK, George's team.

0:16:130:16:15

One, two, three or four?

0:16:150:16:16

Just first impressions, that's all I'm after.

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-What do you reckon? You reckon number two?

-Yeah, number two.

0:16:190:16:21

He...he's looking at me.

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I think number two looks trustworthy.

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I think if I was in a class with number two, I'd...

0:16:240:16:27

I'd believe what he'd said.

0:16:270:16:29

Asante's team, exciting time.

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-You get to ask them some questions, now.

-Ooh!

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-What their key subject? Modern language?

-Modern language.

0:16:330:16:35

We've not specified which yet.

0:16:350:16:37

I mean, I did notice one of them...

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You were looking the other way,

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but I'm not going to say whether it was one, two, three or four,

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but one of them, when I said "modern languages", literally went...

0:16:420:16:45

Number three, I think, as a test,

0:16:500:16:52

I would like you to sing a French chanson

0:16:520:16:57

that you would use with your class.

0:16:570:17:00

I couldn't even sing an English chanson with a class.

0:17:000:17:03

-Could you not?

-No, I really couldn't.

0:17:030:17:04

OK, so that's...cos I think all French teachers,

0:17:040:17:07

and probably German teachers as well,

0:17:070:17:09

can whip out a guitar at the drop of a hat and start doing...

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"Quelle est la date de ton anniversaire?"

0:17:120:17:14

All the time. Or, in German, we had "Hallo, wie heisst du?

0:17:160:17:19

"Ich heisse Stefan.

0:17:190:17:21

"Guten tag, Stefan.

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"Ich heisse Stefan."

0:17:230:17:25

Bonus gold star for Tom's wonderful singing.

0:17:290:17:32

Do you want me to do it with the mouthguard in?

0:17:320:17:34

Oh, Tom!

0:17:360:17:38

-Asante, yes?

-I have one more question.

0:17:390:17:40

Oh, ask as many as you want!

0:17:400:17:42

If a school inspector came in, what surprise would you give them?

0:17:420:17:46

Oh, brilliant question!

0:17:460:17:49

Number two?

0:17:490:17:50

I would be on a day off.

0:17:500:17:51

Very good.

0:17:540:17:56

A bonus gold star for teacher number two!

0:17:560:17:58

Wait, whose team is he on?

0:18:000:18:02

He's on his own team, and he's smashing it.

0:18:020:18:04

Right, George's team, do you want to ask some questions?

0:18:060:18:09

How do you prepare to be a modern language teacher?

0:18:090:18:12

Because does that mean you have to, like, study street slang?

0:18:120:18:16

Are you going to ask them all their favourite slang term?

0:18:160:18:19

Well, I guess if they've studied it, then, yeah.

0:18:190:18:21

I love this.

0:18:210:18:22

OK, teachers, your favourite street, like, you get me, bruv, yeah?

0:18:220:18:27

Yeah, one woman started clapping and everyone else went,

0:18:280:18:31

"Nah, we're not going to clap that guy.

0:18:310:18:34

"We never can clap that Iain Stirling, like.

0:18:340:18:36

"He's not got the slang down, he can't do a dab."

0:18:360:18:39

Yo, I can, man. Dab!

0:18:390:18:41

Did you get that, eh?

0:18:410:18:42

You get me?

0:18:420:18:43

I'll be walking into my modern language class, like, dab!

0:18:450:18:48

Sorry, what is dab?

0:18:490:18:51

Oh, my goodness.

0:18:510:18:54

Can we please... Asante, can we please explain dabbing to Tom?

0:18:540:18:57

And then Tom will do a dab and it will be one of the most

0:18:570:18:59

glorious things that ever happened.

0:18:590:19:01

Right.

0:19:010:19:02

You put one hand there,

0:19:020:19:03

and one hand there.

0:19:030:19:05

-And you just go like that?

-Yeah.

0:19:070:19:08

-What, and that's a thing now?

-Yeah.

0:19:080:19:10

Everybody does it.

0:19:100:19:12

So it's like a dance?

0:19:120:19:13

Cos Iain was doing it like you walk into a room and go, "Hi!"

0:19:130:19:16

Is that what happens?

0:19:180:19:19

I mean, I think I have misunderstood what it actually was.

0:19:190:19:22

OK, we're slightly off topic.

0:19:220:19:24

Teachers, your favourite slang, modern slang phrase.

0:19:240:19:27

Teacher number four?

0:19:270:19:29

I don't do street slang.

0:19:290:19:31

Oh, stern. Stern, very stern.

0:19:310:19:33

Number one?

0:19:330:19:34

A bit before my time.

0:19:340:19:35

OK, one more question, then we're going to answer the audience

0:19:360:19:39

who they think the supply teacher is.

0:19:390:19:41

OK, so, as it's modern language,

0:19:410:19:43

you're a modern language teacher,

0:19:430:19:45

can you say "I would not like a pie in my face" in your chosen language,

0:19:450:19:48

but not English?

0:19:480:19:50

Je ne voudrais pas une pie en ma visage.

0:19:500:19:54

Oh!

0:19:540:19:55

Yes!

0:19:550:19:57

Number three.

0:19:590:20:01

Ich wollte nicht ein pie

0:20:010:20:04

nicht...haben.

0:20:040:20:06

Ja, ja.

0:20:060:20:08

Ja. Das ist gut.

0:20:080:20:09

-CHRIS:

-Das ist vastly gut!

0:20:090:20:10

-TOM:

-Das ist super!

0:20:100:20:12

Number four?

0:20:120:20:13

I don't want no pie in my face, innit!

0:20:130:20:15

Yes! Yes!

0:20:170:20:18

Mate, if number four had dabbed at the end,

0:20:240:20:27

that would have been game over.

0:20:270:20:28

Is number... is number four's modern language absolute legend?

0:20:280:20:31

OK, audience, who do you think is a modern language teacher?

0:20:350:20:37

One, two, three, or four?

0:20:370:20:39

Please vote using your vocal cords in a language of your choice.

0:20:390:20:42

Make it English. Now!

0:20:420:20:43

OK, OK, OK, OK, calm down.

0:20:540:20:55

OK.

0:20:560:20:58

There's a lot of ones, there's a lot of fours, but that doesn't matter.

0:20:580:21:01

Asante, you're about to pie a supply - off you go!

0:21:010:21:06

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

0:21:060:21:08

Go on, Asante.

0:21:080:21:09

Gentle, gentle, remember, Asante.

0:21:110:21:14

There's plenty of custard on there to go round.

0:21:150:21:17

George, you're up next.

0:21:320:21:34

It's time for you to Pie The Supply.

0:21:340:21:36

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply.

0:21:360:21:37

Off you go, Georgie.

0:21:370:21:39

Nice and gently, remember. There's plenty of pie on there.

0:21:390:21:41

-This is the best time of my life.

-Here he comes.

-Thanks.

0:21:410:21:44

Georgie boy.

0:21:440:21:45

There, there.

0:21:550:21:56

You were meant to do it gently, remember?

0:22:020:22:04

I'm sorry.

0:22:080:22:10

He's really sorry.

0:22:100:22:11

Yeah, sorry, from our team!

0:22:110:22:12

OK, I really, really hope it's number four.

0:22:140:22:17

If it's not number four, I apologise.

0:22:170:22:19

Would the real modern language teacher please step forward?

0:22:200:22:24

Oh, no!

0:22:300:22:31

No!

0:22:340:22:35

Oh...so, you both got it wrong, so neither of you get a gold star.

0:22:370:22:41

George, I'm taking a gold star off, because that was brutal.

0:22:410:22:45

At the end of that round, no-one gets a gold star,

0:22:450:22:48

but we did pie two people in the face!

0:22:480:22:50

Time for The School Run.

0:22:550:22:57

-ANNOUNCER:

-The School Run.

0:22:570:23:00

Getting to school on time's always a nightmare,

0:23:000:23:02

and that goes double for my little friends here.

0:23:020:23:05

Bye, guys.

0:23:050:23:07

CRASH, GLASS BREAKING

0:23:070:23:08

It's a tag-team relay where the team that drops everyone off at school

0:23:090:23:12

and makes it home first being the winners.

0:23:120:23:15

So, teams, let's go home, and by home, I mean the starting line.

0:23:150:23:19

Right, we're all in our pyjamas, we've all got our children,

0:23:230:23:26

ready to take them to school.

0:23:260:23:27

Guys? It's time to take your kids to school in three, two, one...

0:23:270:23:33

Go!

0:23:330:23:34

Go!

0:23:390:23:40

-DOMINIQUE:

-Who's going to go slowly, do you reckon?

0:23:420:23:44

Just checking for traffic. You didn't check for traffic!

0:23:440:23:48

You've got to drop the kids off at school!

0:23:530:23:56

Mummy loves you. Have a lovely day at school.

0:23:590:24:02

Changeover, quick changeover.

0:24:020:24:04

Go, go, go! Stop, stop, stop. Stop!

0:24:110:24:13

Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

0:24:130:24:16

Look how quick hers is!

0:24:200:24:22

Where's Dominique?

0:24:230:24:26

Get off, get off, get off!

0:24:280:24:31

Get off!

0:24:310:24:32

Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go!

0:24:320:24:34

Oh, it's not in, it's not in!

0:24:420:24:43

There you go.

0:24:440:24:46

Oh, he's caught right up.

0:24:480:24:50

Oh, it's neck and neck!

0:24:550:24:57

It's neck and neck!

0:24:590:25:01

I want a good, clean fight, gentlemen.

0:25:020:25:03

Go, go, go, go, go!

0:25:120:25:14

-TOM:

-Oh, wow!

0:25:180:25:20

Whoa!

0:25:210:25:22

So fast! It's too fast.

0:25:250:25:27

No, no!

0:25:350:25:36

So close!

0:25:410:25:42

It's so close!

0:25:430:25:45

Yeah!

0:25:530:25:55

HORN

0:25:590:26:00

And at the end of that round...

0:26:000:26:02

Well done!

0:26:020:26:03

..George's team, they get themselves a gold star!

0:26:030:26:07

And that's just about it, so let's add up the stars.

0:26:130:26:18

And the winners are...

0:26:300:26:32

Asante's team!

0:26:320:26:34

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:26:340:26:35

Congratulations, you each win a Dog Ate My Homework paperclip,

0:26:390:26:44

which... They're around somewhere,

0:26:440:26:45

I must have knocked them over during all the excitement.

0:26:450:26:47

As for George's team, not only is a dog going to eat your homework,

0:26:470:26:51

but you have to do detention with Mr Smash.

0:26:510:26:54

It's time to take the walk of shame.

0:26:540:26:56

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

0:26:580:27:00

Losers!

0:27:000:27:02

Losers!

0:27:020:27:04

Losers!

0:27:040:27:06

Losers!

0:27:060:27:08

Losers!

0:27:080:27:09

So that's your lot. As ever, we probably didn't learn much.

0:27:090:27:12

But, do you know what? It was fun trying.

0:27:120:27:14

See you next time, on...

0:27:140:27:16

The Dog Ate My Homework!

0:27:160:27:18

See ya!

0:27:190:27:21

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