Episode 9 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DOG PANTS

BELL RINGS

GARBLED SPEECH

PTERODACTYL SCREECHES

SHARK CRUNCHES

WHISTLING

DRAGON ROARS

BEEPING

ROARING

DOG MUNCHES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling,

and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework -

the show that treats your brain like a sponge.

We either soak it full of fun facts or wring it out and leave it to dry.

It's really up to you.

So, let's take the register.

On my right, a girl who once sat in the sun all day

with a pile of books.

By the end, she was well-READ.

It's Lian, everyone.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And on Lian's team,

normally it takes years to make a good Blue Peter presenter,

but, luckily, here's one I made earlier.

-It's Radzi.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And also on Lian's team, a dog who reckons the secret to success

is a good handshake and the secret to a good lav-lav

is a good legshake.

It's Hacker T Dog.

-Yes, Miss.

-Do the... Do the leg. APPLAUSE

Do the leg.

HACKER STRAINS

-Oh, Iain!

-LAUGHTER

Lian's team, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on my left, a boy who's doing a science project on black holes.

A bit dull at first, but you soon get sucked into it.

-It's Cody.

-Here, sir!

-APPLAUSE

And on Cody's team, a woman who says she can't put a price on comedy,

which is weird cos tickets to her show cost exactly £12.

-It's Ellie Taylor.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And finally on Cody's team,

an artist who when he left school didn't go into higher education,

he went to hi-ya...education.

It's the Art Ninja, Ricky Martin.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

Give it up for Cody's team, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, here's how the game works.

Questions are going to go flying out of this beautiful face

at quite an alarming rate.

All the teams have to do is answer. Answer like the wind.

FARTING, BURPING

And, as ever, they'll be competing for these beautiful gold stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I'll award bonus stars for extra wittiness but be warned -

if I catch you secretly texting...

PHONE VIBRATES Sorry.

"Yeah, you're right, Gran. My hair does look beautiful today."

..I can take those gold stars straight away.

-Get away. AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Hey, deal with it, cos you know what? It's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

I've got a catchphrase.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show

are the winners while the losers face detention

with a man so scary rumour has it he smiled at Zayn Malik once

and that's the reason he left One Direction.

It's Mr Smash!

-HE SHOUTS ANGRILY AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

Big news, folks. Look at this.

Today, Mr Smash released his autobiography.

-HE CHUCKLES AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Yeah.

Look, it says, "Mr Smash - I Love PE."

HE CHUCKLES Oh, no. Hang on, mate.

There's been a spelling mistake here.

-MR SMASH:

-Huh?

-It doesn't say PE.

It says, "Mr Smash - I Love Pee." LAUGHTER

-You love urine, mate.

-What?!

HE SHOUTS ANGRILY

LAUGHTER

I don't think he likes pee that much, actually.

Let's get on with the show!

APPLAUSE

This round is Stick To The Point.

'Stick To The Point.'

I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow,

repeat an answer or just sit there looking stupid,

then I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Shh!

OK, but first I need my magic stick of pointiness.

-Wah-ya!

-Oh, it's there.

-It's so pointy.

It's so sticky and so pointy.

The last team speaking wins

and our first topic is items you would take

to the North Pole.

-Radzi.

-A compass.

-Yes. Cody.

-Coat.

-Yes.

-Hacker.

-My legs.

LAUGHTER

-How many?

-Four.

-Four, good.

-Ellie.

-A present for Santa.

-Ooh, lovely.

-Lian.

-Some carrots for his reindeer.

-Oh, it's a...

-Yes.

-..theme.

-Ricky.

-A sleigh.

-A sleigh?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Radzi.

-Bear Grylls.

-Bear Grylls.

What, and just get him to do it all for you?

Yep. I'm going to have a good time there.

He would eat the reindeer.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Bit dark, you're right.

-OK, Ellie.

-Thermal underpants.

-Lian.

-Snow boots.

S'no boots? You'd need some boots.

Come on!

Oh, up your game.

No boots.

Oh, if he'd said it, you'd have laughed.

Watch, I'll show you. You need to take some boots.

LAUGHTER No. No.

No! No! No! LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I'm not having it. I'm not having it.

I am not having it.

-OK. Hacker.

-What?

-BUZZER

Shush position. Don't mess with me.

-I'm sorry for messing.

-LAUGHTER

-Ellie.

-Gloves.

-Radzi.

-A...

-BUZZER

Shush position. Ricky.

-Husky.

-Yes. Lian.

-Some cookies.

-For what?

-For Santa.

-You're obsessed with him.

-Ellie.

-Scarf.

-Yes. Lian.

-Milk.

-Oh! Cody.

-Warm milk.

LAUGHTER

How are you warming that milk?

A hot water bottle.

That's two in one he just gave you.

How are you warming the hot water bottle?

-With a microwave.

-LAUGHTER

-Three things!

-Lian.

-A snow pole.

-BUZZER

I'm putting you in the shush position.

I'm giving the point to Cody's team there.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next it's things that come with warning labels.

Things that come with warning labels.

-Radzi.

-Apple pies.

-Yes, they get very hot.

-Cody.

-Bleach.

-Bleach, yes.

-Hacker.

-Sue Barker.

-LAUGHTER

What does the warning label say?

"Don't lick my leg."

Hacker learned that the hard way.

-Ellie.

-Big machinery.

-Yes, please. Lian.

-Fire extinguisher.

-Oh, yes.

-Ricky.

-Hacker.

-Yeah.

-"Don't leave near Sue Barker." Hacker.

-What?

-BUZZER

-No!

Oh, mate!

-Ellie.

-Iain's haircut.

-OTHERS:

-Ooh!

I think it's fabulous.

-Bonus gold star for Lian. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And shush position for Ellie. BUZZER

-Radzi.

-Electronic power tools.

Yes, please. Ricky.

Volcanoes.

Radzi.

BUZZER Shush position!

Lian is carrying your team.

-Ricky.

-The ocean.

What? The ocean has loads of warning signs.

Elaborate or get in the shush position.

There's loads of warning signs on the beach -

where to swim, not to swim, don't swim.

There's loads of warning signs for the ocean.

I'll give you that. Lian.

That sign, you know, outside the teacher's office.

-What?

-You know, "Do this so you don't get detention.

"If you do, you'll be in detention."

-It's a big sign, isn't it?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Ricky's hat should come with a warning.

-Oi, shush position, Hacker.

-I know.

-BUZZER

I'm putting Lian in the shush position.

Points go again to Cody's team there.

OK, one more. Here we go.

Things that are usually wet.

-Cody.

-Ice cubes.

Yes. Hacker.

-What?

-BUZZER

No. Oh, stupid animal!

-What?

-Nothing.

-I'll give you another go.

-Will you?

-Hacker.

-What?

-BUZZER

Shush position.

-Cody.

-Frogs.

-Yes. Lian.

-A fishbowl.

-Yes.

-Ellie.

-Lemonade.

Yes. Radzi.

-A wet suit.

-Oh, very nice. Ricky.

-Ducks.

-Radzi. BUZZER

Shush position.

Lian again. Get them told.

-Ellie.

-Tom Daley.

Yes!

He's dry for about a second and then, oh, he's wet.

-Lian.

-Swimming trunks.

-Yes. Cody.

-Towels.

-Yes. Lian.

BUZZER Oh! points go to Cody's team again.

BELL RINGS Oh, that is the bell,

which means the end of that round.

The gold star goes to...Cody's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Flans at the ready, it's time for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

In a jiffy, we'll meet four people

all claiming to be real-life modern language teachers,

but only one is telling the truth.

All our teams have to do is decide which one

and then flan them right in the face.

So, here are our teachers.

Number one, Mr Brooks.

Number two, Mr Wilkie.

Number three, Mrs McLaren.

And number four, Ms Watson.

One of these is a teacher, but which one?

Lian's team, first impressions. Have a look at them.

One of them is a teacher, but which one?

What do you think? Hacker, what are you thinking?

I think number one's got a teacher's jumper on.

He's got a teacher's jumper on.

It's the jumper of a teacher, that.

Let's see. Can I see the elbows? Can I see the elbows of your jumper?

-There is no patch.

-Oh, I was wrong.

-There's no patch.

-I was wrong.

It's the jumper of just a gardener.

First impressions, you're thinking, number one?

-I think number one.

-I think number three, by the way.

I think three or two.

-Number three's got that vibe of authority.

-So, at the minute,

your first impression is it could be any of them.

-Yeah.

-Any of them, yeah.

I'm glad I got involved in that bit of banter.

Cody's team, what do you think?

I think number two looks very legit.

Legit! LAUGHTER

I don't think it is number one

cos I think number one looks like he's kind of a cool dude, like,

"Hey, kids, sit down when I tell you about how I used to surf."

-"Don't use a seat, man, just sit on the floor."

-Yeah.

And I don't think it's number two, cos...

-I think it is number two.

-I don't.

I think number two has come... He's dressed like a teacher.

It's like, fancy dress, "I'm dressing like a teacher."

I would hate it if number two's just come from a night out.

LAUGHTER

-I think I'm going for number four.

-I think four, too.

Right, OK. So, you're thinking four.

You lot haven't got a clue.

We think it's definitely one of them!

-It's one of those people.

-It could be...

'School disco!'

School disco!

# Everything is changing and I've been here for too long

# Going through the same things I've been hurting so long

# Got to move on

# Say I-I-I-I

# I can't do this any more... #

RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

Ellie. Questions.

You can ask them all questions, you can ask an individual question,

you can do what you want.

OK. Can they each tell us what language they teach,

-starting with...?

-Wait, in the language.

Oh, my days.

Oui, oui, ja, ja, si.

Ellie, I'll let you pick the numbers.

OK, two.

Deutsch.

LAUGHTER

-He's so cool he could pull that back.

-Can I just say one thing?

Any modern language in a Glaswegian accent is the best thing.

GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: "Je voudrais une baguette."

"Just take the money!"

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

-Right.

-Number one.

-Dansk.

-Dansk.

-Dansk. What's that?

-What's that?

-No-one knows.

-That's Danish.

No-one teaches Danish!

-Yes, yes.

-What?!

Right. Carry on, Ellie. OK, number three.

-Italiano.

-Oh!

-Very enthusiastic.

-Is that Spanish?

-No, Italian.

Number four.

-Espana.

-Espana.

-Have you got any questions?

-I've got a question, yeah.

-This is to number one.

-OK.

Are you the supply teacher?

Maybe.

-Oh, he's good.

-Useless. Useless.

-What a waste of a question.

This is for three and four.

Imagine a ten-year-old Radzi is talking too much

at the back of the class.

What do you do?

-Radzi, stand at the front so they can aim it at you.

-OK.

-Radzi's chatting away.

-Radzi, get on your knees!

Sit down like you're a naughty school kid.

Oh, I don't care about this lesson, this lesson's rubbish.

Number three.

SHE TUTS

Did it...? What? You just did a dance move!

LAUGHTER

Hey. Hey, Radzi. Hey, Radzi, don't be naughty.

Let's just all boogie! Come on.

LAUGHTER

Number four, you can either tell him off or breakdown,

it's your choice.

OK, any more of that, Radzi,

-you'll be staying back on your break.

-Ooh.

-Oh!

-We've found our winner.

-Do you want to do one and two while you're here?

-Number two.

-Radzi, come on. Sit in your seat.

Oh, he's very reasonable.

Number one.

-Cool it or you'll get detention.

-Oh.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-I've...

-HE LAUGHS

-I'm going to do what you say, number one.

-So you should.

OK. Cody's team, any quick last questions?

Cody, you've got a question.

-Yeah.

-Well, yeah, I'd like a sentence...

Can you say "hello" to me in what language you speak?

-"Hello", and "How are you?"

-"How are you?" in your language of choice.

OK, here we go.

Number two.

-Wie gehts?

-Oh, yeah.

-Number one?

-I'm retired.

LAUGHTER

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

-Number four?

-Hola.

-LAUGHTER

They're very brief in Spain.

They just say hi and you know what it means.

Number four, could you say

"What time it is?" in the language of your choice?

-Hola?

-I'm going to say no, you can't.

And number three, "How are you?" in the language of your choice.

-Come va?

-Come va.

Right, OK. We need to find out what our audience think.

Audience, one, two, three or four?

Who do you think is a real teacher? Tell us now!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS DIFFERENT NUMBERS

OK. OK. OK.

OK, it looks like our audience think it might be number three,

but what do our panel think?

Lian, it is time for you now to pie the supply!

'Pie the supply!'

OK, Lian. Gentle, gentle.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Oh, my days.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Cody, very quickly, time for you to pie the supply!

'Pie the supply!'

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Go on, Cody. Let it drip, let it drip!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, could the real supply teacher please step forward now?

Yes! APPLAUSE

In that case, at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Cody's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, make some noise.

Actually don't, stop.

Don't make any noise, because it's time for Mime Craft.

'Mime Craft.'

And today's subject is PE.

One member of each team

has to act out an activity for the others to guess -

activities which will appear on the flippy things.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yes, no expense spent.

OK, today all the activities are sport-related, so, Lian...

who out of your team do you want to step forward and do some miming?

-I want to do it.

-You want to do it?

-I don't want to tire you out.

-Oh, thanks, Lian.

-So, Radzi.

-I'm up for it!

OK, Radzi, please make your way into the Mime Spot.

'The Mime Spot.'

OK, Radzi. Your sporting subjects start when Lian flips over

her first flippy thing flipper.

Lian, off you go.

-Football.

-Yes. Correct! Quick, quick, quick!

-Basketball.

-Yes!

-Yeah!

Oh, no. Um...

Volleyball?

-Oh, handball?

-Oh, um...

-Pass.

-Hacker?

-What?

-Any thoughts?

-Do you have any idea?

-Netball.

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Oh!

-Oh. Wait, wait, wait!

-Is this like...? Is this like...?

-Riverdance! Riverdance! Riverdance!

-Is this like...?

-Yoga? Is that Zumba.

-No!

-Athletic...

-What have we got? What have we got? What have we got?

-Pilates.

-No!

-Pilates.

-Ah, la-la!

-Cheerleading.

-Yes!

-Yay!

-Bowling.

-Oh, um...

-Golfing.

-Golfing?

-Rah!

-Are you, like, boxing?

-Rah!

-Rugby.

-Are you, like, diving?

-Rugby.

-Rugby, yes! Rugby.

-Yeah.

-Hah!

-Golf.

-Wah! Wah!

-What the heck? Are you swimming?

-Lunging!

-Rah!

-Lunging.

-Oh, is it that...

-Yeah.

-..thing on the horse?

-No!

-No!

-LAUGHTER

-Polo. Polo. Polo.

-I've no clue what you're doing.

-Pass, pass, pass!

-Oh, no!

-Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait!

-Wait, wait, wait!

-Swimming.

-Wait, wait.

Swimming. It's that swimming thing where you do...

Yes! Yeah, at the same time.

-Synchronised swimming.

-Yes!

-Next one!

-Speed driving.

-Driving at speed...

-Speed driving?

-BELL RINGS

-Speed driving.

-Radzi, everyone.

APPLAUSE

Lian's invented a new term for Formula 1.

It's called "speed driving."

That was speed driving. I saw it, speed driving.

It's Formula 1. OK. I am very unfit.

-I am tired. Cody!

-Yes?

Who from your team would you like to take a little bit of a mime?

-Ellie.

-Ellie?

-Ellie, please make your way to the Mime Spot.

-Yes!

'The Mime Spot.'

Ellie, I believe in you.

-I believe in you guys.

-OK, guys.

-That's why we're a team.

This is so romantic.

Your time starts when Cody flips over his first flip.

-I can't get hold of it.

-Cody, take it away.

-OK, wait.

-Go.

-Er...

-Volleyball.

-Yes!

-Er...

-Hurry up! Hurry up!

-Get ready.

Go, go!

-Gymnastics.

-Yes!

-Horse riding.

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Horse racing.

-Yes!

Oh, racing.

-Swimming.

-Swimming.

-Yes!

-Good mum swimming there, as well, Ellie.

-Thank you.

Didn't get my hair wet.

-Tennis.

-Yes!

-Oh.

-Give me the flip.

Huh! Huh!

-Triple jump.

-Yes!

Triple jump, yes.

-Rock climbing.

-Yes!

-Oh, blimey!

-Psshhh!

-Diving.

Oh, it's a big jump on a ski jump, isn't it?

No!

Skydiving.

-Yes!

-Is that a sport?

-Yeah.

-It is now!

-Jumping out of a plane!

Rowing. Not rowing. Erm...

-Skiing.

-Canoeing?

-Mountain skiing.

-Turny, turny.

-Yes.

Oh, wait. Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.

-Bobsleigh.

-Bobsleigh.

-Oh, it's rowing.

-Yes!

Good.

What?!

-It's...frisbee!

-Ah!

-Oh, boomerang.

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Boomerang!

-Golf.

-Hockey.

-Yes! Hockey!

BELL RINGS Oh, time's up.

APPLAUSE Ellie smashed it!

Woo!

Well, Ellie, you have got a real natural talent.

-We only had three left.

-Thank you so much.

My favourite was the skydiving.

-It was so nice.

-Ellie, you really...

-..that.

-Knocked it out of the park?

-Yeah!

You guys are so cute.

OK, I can tell you at the end of that round,

the team with the most right answers that get themselves

a gold star is...

..Cody's team.

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Geography now, with Globe Hoppers.

-'Globe Hoppers!'

-Yes.

It's space hopper time. Welcome to the '70s.

When I say "space hopper,"

if you're trying to travel to actual space on this thing,

you might want to, like, paint it silver first, or something.

CLATTERING Sorry, Jupiter.

I'll call out clues to different countries

around the world.

All the teams have to do is grab the name

of the right country and bring it back to moi,

which is Spanish for Iain.

OK, Lian, who is playing for you?

Is Hacker going to take on the challenge?

I'll do it, I'll do it. I can do it, I'll...

Radzi can do it.

OK, Radzi, and for Cody's team, who's playing -

the ninja or the comedian?

We'll have...a ninja.

I've never heard someone say "ninja" like...

"We'll have ninja."

I need a wee as well, so...

OK, well, this is going to be interesting.

In that case, Radzi and Ricky, let's go global!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Radzi, are you ready?

-Absolutely ready.

-Let's check your helmet for safety.

Ricky. There we go, that's fine.

OK, if you're both ready, then your time will start

-when I ask you the first question.

-Yes.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah!

Justin Bieber, Drake and Michael Buble

were all born in which country? Go!

-THEY SHOUT SUGGESTIONS

-Canada!

-Canada!

-Canada, Radzi!

-Stop! You can use your hands! Stop.

Yes, got one.

I'm coming to you, baby.

It's Canada. Correct! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In which country would you find the Uluru, Ayers Rock?

-THEY SHOUT SUGGESTIONS

-Australia!

-Australia!

-Go, go, go!

-Australia.

-Pick it up. Pick it...

-Go on. What are you doing?

-Come on, Radz!

Radzi! Useless.

Australia, correct! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Where is the most populated country on earth?

-China! China! China!

-Wigan!

-China!

-Wigan!

-It is China, believe me!

What do you mean by popular?

-Wigan!

-Populated!

-Populated.

-It's Wigan.

Get back! Get back! Come back. Go back there.

-Stop there!

-Oh, he's down.

-Go, go!

-China, correct! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How is that popular?!

In Europe, where would you find Minnie Mouse,

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy?

Wigan! It's Wigan!

Like, America! I don't know!

Wigan! It's Wigan!

-What is he asking...?

-LAUGHTER

-Stop!

-Radzi, quick!

-LAUGHTER

That's mean!

-Come on!

-Come on! Come on!

Grab it. Grab it, Radzi.

Come on, come on, come on.

It's France! Correct! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-This is so difficult!

-Come on!

If I were a samurai warrior, which country would I be from?

Japan, Japan, Japan, Japan!

-THEY SHOUT SUGGESTIONS

-Wigan!

Got it!

Flipping heck!

Japan is correct! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Coliseum, from which country?

-Wigan!

-Greece!

-Stop saying "Wigan."

-Wigan!

Is that Greece or Rome? I'm not sure!

-Just grab anything.

-The Coliseum... Stop!

Get...!

-I can see it!

-Stop knocking it around!

-Oh!

No! LAUGHTER

-LAUGHTER

-No! Why?

-Come on, come on.

-Oh, I give up.

Stay down, Radzi!

Italy is correct! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In which country might you traditionally be served

guacamole, salsa and tortillas?

-Wigan!

-Mexico, Mexico!

I got one!

Radzi got Mexico! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-BELL RINGS

-Yay! We won.

Gather round.

OK, at the end of that,

the team that got the most correct answers was...Ricky,

so you get a gold star for Cody's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's just about it.

All I need to do now is reveal who smashed their exams

and who's heading for Smash.

Let's bring down the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

And the winners are...Cody's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, you lot.

You get a one-way ticket to Smugsville.

As for Lian's team,

not only does the dog eat your homework,

but you get detention with Mr Smash.

Time to do the walk of shame.

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers!

# Losers. #

Oh, can't believe we lost!

So, that's your lot. We didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE