Leon v Eve The Dog Ate My Homework

# Oh, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da... #

HE SCREAMS

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

the show that's a breath of fresh air,

although it was cabbage and sprout

soup for lunch, so that may change.

Let's take the register.

On my right, a boy who recently did a biology project on hedgehogs.

I'd tell you what grade he got, but it's a prickly subject.

It's Leon!

Here, sir.

Here, sir!

On Leon's team, a comedian who says the first rule of comedy is to throw

away the rule book. He doesn't know the second rule because it was in

-the book he threw away. It's Tom Craine.

-Here, sir.

Also on Leon's team,

a fashion vlogger who's going to teach us all how to dress.

Yeah, right. Like we need teaching how to dress!

It's Saima Choudhury, everybody.

Here, sir.

And on my left, the captain of the school chess club

known for her killer moves.

And if she can stop dancing, she might even play some chess.

It's Eve.

-Here, sir!

-APPLAUSE

On Eve's team, a presenter

of the drone-based game show Airmageddon,

who's said that since meeting me, she's been all starry-eyed.

Although a drone did hit her on the head, so that might explain it.

It's Rachel Stringer.

Here, sir.

Lastly but not leastly,

on Eve's team is a comedian who says his comedy is

aimed at lazy people.

I'd love to go to one of his concerts, but I can't be bothered.

-It's Ray Bradshaw.

-Here, sir.

Please applaud both teams.

APPLAUSE

So, what's the show all about?

Anybody? No.

I've never worked it out either.

But I do know the teams will be battling it out

to win my amazing golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I know. I know.

Along the way, I'll award bonus stars for pretty much anything.

For instance, the first person to balance four marker pens

on top of each other gets himself a bonus gold star.

Go. Quicker, quicker.

Quicker. Quicker.

-Yes.

-Quicker. No, no, no.

-No.

-No. There we are!

There you go, Leon, you've got yourself a bonus gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

But be warned! Give me any cheek

and those stars are going to say bye-bye.

-STARS:

-Bye-bye. Bye!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Hey, don't you dare because it's Iain's School, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules.

My impressive catchphrase.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are our winners,

while the losers face detention with a man as horrific as a lift full of

windy zombies.

Best avoided. It's Mr Smash.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

-Grr!

You've heard of Brand Beckham,

well, today is the launch of brand Smash.

-Isn't that right, Smashy?

-Ha-ha-ah!

And the first product he's bringing to the market are one of these.

It's a Mr Smash stress ball.

-What do you guys think of that? Good, isn't it?

-Lovely.

-Yes.

Smash, have you tried one of these yet? They're great.

HE GRUNTS, AUDIENCE LAUGHS

HE FUMES

I just feel the stress drifting away.

He needs to chill out.

And let's get on with the show!

Time to salute general knowledge

with the game we like to call Watch Your Mouth.

Watch Your Mouth.

This is where our teams have to try and talk properly with one of these

in their chops.

It is a Mr Smash Growl Maker.

Mr Smash, have you got your growl maker in?

You've eaten your Growl Maker?

HE BURPS

Unbelievable. So, teams, if you can please insert your Growl Makers now,

get them in your mush.

You've put it on upside down!

This is an absolute disaster.

I'm so sorry.

Whenever I look at Tom Craine with that in, I just think,

"More cheese, Gromit."

Fingers on buzzers.

First question is -

what name is given to the piece of gymnastics equipment that consists

of strong torte fabric, stretched

over a steel frame using coil springs?

-Eve.

-Yes, Eve's team.

-Trampoline!

-Trampoline!

-What?

-A trampoline!

No, no, no, just Rachel on her own.

I think a trampoline!

"A trampoline, Gromit."

And for bonus points,

can you name three moves you could do on a trampoline?

-Backflip.

-Backflip.

-Front flip.

-A Trump flip?

A front flip!

-A front flip, yep.

-And a...a somersault.

Say that right down camera one.

A somersault. Thank you.

You're like Wallace in Wallace and Gromit, he was like Lord Voldemort.

OK. Next one, fingers on buzzers.

Harry Potter, Merlin, Gandolph, are all types of...

Yes, Leon's team?

I think they are types of wizards.

Do it right down that camera.

Wizards!

-That's the international sign.

-Wizards.

Fingers on buzzers.

What is the name of a cosmetic product

that comes in various shades and

colours and is commonly worn on the lip?

-Eve?

-Yes, Eve's team?

-Lipstick.

Is correct. Very good.

For a bonus point, can you apply some lipstick?

Who on the team is going to take it on?

You don't have to do it, but it is for a point.

-I'll do it if you want.

-Do Ray.

Paint Ray's lips.

-Here we go.

-Ow!

-And the top one.

-What colour is it?

Right, I don't know.

Now, with the lipstick on, look down camera one and just go Harry Potter.

Harry Potter.

OK, fingers on buzzers.

A breed of small rodent that is covered in fur with rounded ears,

short legs, no tail, and often kept as a pet by children...

-Leon.

-Yes, Leon's team?

-Hamster.

-No!

-Eve.

-No, over to Eve's team.

Is it a guinea pig?

A guinea pig is correct!

BUZZER

That is the end of that round, and the gold star goes to...

Eve's team!

Now it's what your telly was made for, it's time for Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply.

We're about to meet four humans, or are they?

All claiming to be art teachers, or are they?

Yes, well, one is telling the truth,

and actually they are all human, probably.

All teams have to do is identify, then pie the real teacher,

and if both teams fail, then there will be consequences!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Let's meet our teachers.

OK. We have got Ms Lyon.

Mr Gallagher.

Mr Callan. And Ms Benzie.

Leon's team, looking at them, who looks arty, which one?

-What are you thinking?

-Number one.

-Yeah.

She's got some nice earrings,

she's wearing a little lilac...

Pastel sort of colours, which is...

Yeah, she looks friendly, art teachers are usually friendly.

-Yeah.

-So...

-Who do you think, Leon?

I think number one.

You think number one as well? OK, we'll go over to Eve's team.

That's all I want.

-Go on, Eve, what do you think?

-I think two or maybe four.

I could kind of, like, see him, with like a palette, like.

Who, number two? What kind of paintings?

Like landscapes.

-Landscapes.

-Yeah!

-"I look at number two and I think landscapes."

-Yeah.

Right. Well, let's find out. We can ask them all questions.

We'll go back over to Leon's team.

Have you got any questions you'd like to ask?

School disco!

MUSIC: LOVE ME AGAIN by John Newman

Art teachers. Any questions you want to ask them?

OK, number two. I don't believe you're an art teacher,

I'm going to put it out there. I'll ask you a question.

Who's your favourite artist and why?

Um...

Definitely not an art teacher!

"What's an artist again?"

Number three, your favourite artist, and why.

Um, I would say Vincent van Gogh.

Just because I admire his work, and...

What's your favourite Vincent van Gogh painting?

That's great, you admire his work.

-That's a tough one. What's your favourite?

-My one is probably

-the sunflowers, I think, but what's...

-Oh, same.

-Shake his hand.

-Very good.

-Shake his hand.

-Wonderful!

Leon's team, any more questions?

Saima, Leon, have you got any questions you want to ask them?

What's Impressionism?

Any particular order?

Um, let's start with number one.

It's when dabs of paint are used to create the impression of a picture

rather than very fine drawing.

-Very good.

-Right, and number three's going to go...

What one said.

LAUGHTER

Three's my favourite, whatever happens.

-I've one final question...

-Yeah, go on, Tom.

-Number one, um,

can you do an impression of how you would paint?

Let's see how natural it is.

-Air paint.

-There's a paint board in front of you. Er...

-That's good.

-Number two, do your impression of painting.

So you've licked the paint off the brush.

-Amazing.

-And number three?

-Oh!

-Look at that!

Number three's just got back into the race.

And number four, let's see your air painting.

Oh, she had a brush.

Right, Eve's team. Number two, if you were painting your landscapes,

which Eve thinks you'd be excellent at, um, what paints would you use?

Er, watercolours.

Oh!

I am in your classroom, I've spilt some paint,

I want you to shout at me and tell me off.

Can we start with number three, please? So he just doesn't go,

"Oh, the same." OK, number three.

Tell off Ray for being a naughty boy.

That is detention, enough of that.

Out of my classroom now.

-OK. Number four? How would you tell me off?

-Right, that is enough.

Get outside now!

Oh, she was loud, but sounded far away.

-That make sense?

-Yeah.

-Like down a well.

-Number one?

-Clean it up or everyone has a time out for five minutes.

-We get a biscuit?

-You've got ten seconds to decide.

Amazing. It's worth it.

And finally number two.

Look at the state of that!

Actually, that's better than your painting.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

I'll tell you what, this teacher's got bantz.

Audience, which do you think is the art teacher?

Please vote now.

AUDIENCE SHOUT

OK, there was quite a lot of one and twos,

and more threes than is absolutely necessary.

Leon. It's time for you to pie the supply.

Pie the supply!

Oh! Where's he going, where is he going?

I'm so sorry.

Eve, your turn next.

-Please go and pie the supply.

-Pie the supply.

OK, Eve, place the pie into the face of the person you think is the

teacher. Number one looks fearful.

Number two... Number three couldn't care less.

Yes, Eve.

Eve, do you think... Oh, you feel bad?

-Aw.

-It's part of the game, Eve, don't you worry.

OK. Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

-Oh.

-No!

I said, "Beware of a teacher with bantz."

He's now a teacher with pie.

This is the Teacher's Revenge.

Teacher's Revenge.

Who is going to get a pie to the face,

Leon or Eve?

It's Leon! It's Leon.

Number two, Mr Gallagher, please step forward.

I thought you'd enjoy this.

Gently place the pie into the child's face.

Here we go.

Here we go. Oh...

You can leave it down there.

That was the Teacher's Revenge!

-Time now to tune in.

-Tune in!

This is the musical round where two members of each team will be given a

song to perform using one of these bad boys.

All the remaining team members have to do is guess what song is being

performed. Up first, Leon's team.

So, Leon, who do you want?

-Saima.

-Saima?

-Sorry, Tom.

-Correct decision.

OK, Saima and Leon, please make your way to the floor.

Please welcome to the floor,

Leon and his kazoo partner, Saima Choudury.

OK, Tom, your time starts when you flip over your first board.

-Right.

-Guys, get ready with your kazoos. Let's play.

Go.

-Mary Had A Little Lamb?

-No.

I'm going to skip it, I'm going to skip it!

-Skip it.

-You'll get this one.

# On a one... Open sleigh That thing

# Something Christmassy Something Christmassy... #

What's it called?

-Lovely, lovely.

-What's it called?!

-# Father Christmas here.

-#

Name the song!

# Riding through the snow, on a one horse... #

-Name the song!

-What's the song?

-# Open sleigh. #

-No, name it!

-Jingle Bells!

Jingle Bells. I bet you get this one.

Oh, yeah.

HE HUMS

# I fell in love in a hopeless place... #

-No, no.

-Kind of.

# Jingle bells, jingle bells. # Keep going.

He'll get this one.

I know this one.

# I don't know the answer Don't know the answer

# But I'm singing along Having a lovely time

-# I don't know the... #

-Argh!

# I don't know the answer! #

Keep going! One more, go on.

Keep going. Twerk?

-Santa Baby?

-No!

No! Oh! BELL RINGS

Have a sit down. I don't think you'd have won that if we had just said to

Tom Craine, "Name all the songs you know."

Eve, you're up next.

Who do you want to bring with you, Ray or Rachelle, AKA Rachel?

I think I might go with Rachel.

OK, Eve and Rachel, please make your way to the floor.

Please welcome to the floor,

Eve and her kazoo partner, Rachel Stringer.

We're not ready, but...

-Strictly.

-No!

Ray, your time starts when you flip over your first flippy thing.

Go for it.

Oh, erm...

-Crazy?

-Yes!

-Gnarls Barkley, yes!

-Yes.

-Oh, this is a great one.

Oh, erm...

It's Adele.

Yeah, what song is it?

Erm, Jingle...

No, erm...

-Someone Like You?

-Yes!

That was great. Well done.

What a tune, come on.

I've never watched... I've never watched this in my life.

-What?!

-Yeah, I know.

You've learnt something about me.

Wait, ready?

-The Simpsons!

-Yes!

You've never watched The Simpsons?!

-My mum wouldn't let me.

-Go.

No, don't... Stop laughing into your kazoos.

Oh, it's good.

Right, sounds like...

HE HUMS

No, is it...?

-Lady Gaga?

-Yeah, what song?

-Bad Romance?

-Yes!

Next one. BELL RINGS

Oh, guys, have a sit down.

And I can reveal that at the end of that very close round...

..gold star goes to Eve's team!

I feel like some high school dropouts.

High school dropout!

We don't put guests on a pedestal, but we do put them on this -

The Dog Ate My Homework drop zone!

OMINOUS MUSIC

Whilst stood on their bins,

two quivering guests face a barrage of general knowledge questions.

The first to get three wrong is then dropped into a bin

full of Mr Smash's dirty laundry.

-FLIES BUZZ AUDIENCE:

-Ew!

There you go. Applauding a man sniffing his own pants.

OK. Leon, who do you want to see on top of a bin?

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

-I think you're going to get binned, mate.

And, Eve, who do you want to get binned?

-Ray.

-Oh!

OK, so Tom and Ray, time for you to take your positions

on top of the drop zone!

Remember, first to get three questions wrong is binned,

but you can confer, and the first question is for you, Tom.

-Right.

-35 or 32?

How old must you be?

Oh, erm, what do you think?

Does America even have rules when it comes to presidents?

-Oh! Slam!

-Very nice!

-I think 32 seems reasonable.

-32?

-I think, like...

-What do you think?

-Yeah, what do you think?

-What do you think, Leon?

-32.

-You happy with 32?

-Yeah.

-Erm, let's go for 32.

What about if I said 35's the correct answer?

I would stick with 32 and not believe you cos I know

you want the worst for me.

I can tell you that the answer is...

-..35.

-Oh, no!

You go to amber, Tom Craine.

Be afraid, I'll just get my...that out quickly,

-I'll get the buttons out.

-Yeah.

-OK, Ray!

-Yeah.

-Your first question is...

What are we thinking, Eve?

The word I can't say or the variable one, what do you think?

The other one you can't say.

Well, I think I may have heard of anemometer.

-Maybe not vari...

-Yeah, I'll go with the first one.

-An anemone... Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Anemometer?

What if I told you that the correct answer was variometer?

Erm, I'm going to go an...

And-a-monitor, purely because if that happens twice,

then I think Tom and I have learnt a valuable lesson.

You've got the correct answer. It's anemometer. Well done.

Ray stays on green.

Tom...

There was a... I think there was a song that was called

Let Me Take A Selfie, I think it came out in 2015.

I thought that was good. Seemed to be some kind of logic there.

-So you're going with...?

-I'm going to go with selfie.

That's what I'm going to go with.

What if I told you...?

-Not listening!

-What if I told you the correct answer is emoji?

I would still stick with selfie cos I believe in my team.

OK, I can tell you that the word of 2015, the word of the year

in the Oxford English Dictionary was...

-A - emoji.

-Oh! No!

-You're in the danger zone, Craine!

-No!

I've told you the correct answer both times.

Yeah.

OK, Ray, you're still on the green, let's see if you can stay that way.

Eve - what do you prefer, cats or dogs?

Well, I'm going to say that I think it would be cats.

But I do like dogs better.

This show's called The Dog Ate My Homework, erm,

so it wouldn't be about a fear of dogs.

I'm going to go... Fear of cats?

-Do you agree, Eve?

-Yeah.

Go. OK, let's go fear of cats.

-Going with fear of cats?

-Yeah.

OK, cynophobia is a fear of...

-..dogs.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-You go to amber, mate.

Get in the amber. It complements your lovely ginger hue.

-Thank you.

-OK, Tom, if you get this wrong,

you lose and you fail to get any questions right,

despite the fact I told you the correct answer every single time.

What's down here? What's in this?

Mr Smash's stinky pants.

Oh, yeah! Oh, no.

-Ew.

-OK.

Erm, what do you think?

-Eurovision...

-You were around then, weren't you?

Bonus point, bonus point.

Bonus gold star to Saima.

1956 feels too early.

I'll say it. It feels two years too early to me, I think,

if I was going to say.

-What do you think, Leon?

-I don't even know!

You don't even know, right!

Leon's just given up on you.

OK. So 1956, is there a song that might give us a clue?

# Isn't it great, it's 1958

# It's the Eurovision Song Contest? #

-Yeah, 1958, there we are.

-APPLAUSE

You're saying 1958?

-1958.

-What if I told you...

You've told me always...

..that the correct answer was 1956?

-What would you do then?

-I would drop into a pile of pants,

-that is what would happen.

-You going to stick with 1958?

Erm, do you have faith in me, guys?

Just tell me you believe in me.

OK, so...

That just happened!

So, 1958, my team don't believe in me, but I'm sticking with it.

-1958.

-OK.

The first Eurovision Song Contest was in...

1956!

-No! No!

-Yes.

-My hands are clammy!

-Tom, look at me.

-Mother!

-Tom, Tom?

-No!

-Eh!

-No.

-Eh.

-No!

-AUDIENCE CHANTS:

-Drop him, drop him, drop him!

-No!

That means Ray's the winner and the gold star goes to Eve's team!

Do I take it I will just get some ladders, yeah?

Yeah, we're going to get the ladder.

-AUDIENCE CHANTS:

-Drop him! Drop him! Drop him!

-RAY:

-No!

And that's just about it.

All I need to do now is add up the stars.

AUDIENCE: Oooh...

And the winners are...

Eve's team!

Congratulations, you lot. You are now officially the dog's new best

friend. Good luck with that.

As for Leon's team, I'm not going to say who's responsible.

It's you, Tom. It's you.

Erm, not only does the dog eat your homework,

but you've got detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

# Losers! #

So, guys, that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much, but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

-Sees ya!