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WILD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Hi, I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.
Yes, you have entered my magical funfair of comedy delights.
Basically, it's some folks sat behind a desk, talking rubbish,
but the production values are excellent.
So let's take the register.
On my right, a keen physics student who before the show asked
if I knew anything about magnetism.
Well, yes, I do know about magnetism.
And then charm and chiselled good looks.
Hello. That's not that type of magnetism.
I knew that, I knew that. It was just a little joke.
It's Abdul, everyone!
And on Abdul's team, a comedian whose show is intellectual,
philosophical and other long words I researched for this joke.
It's my good friend, Ivo Graham.
Also on Abdul's team, a presenter, an actual real-life doctor,
which is just as well because my hosting skills are sick!
They are so sick, man, you've got to give 'em like...
..medicine and that.
-It's Dr Ranj Singh!
Sick, sick, sick.
And on my left, a girl who can tell the time in 75 different languages.
Although by the time she's finished, it's three hours too late. Ha-ha!
And on Sophie's team, a CBBC star who says that the secret to
presenting is imagine that only one person is watching.
And in fairness, on most of her shows, there is
only one person watching.
If you are watching, Lauren's mum. Hi. It's Lauren Layfield.
And on Sophie's team, a comedian who only feels at home
in front of an audience, which is why his living room
is so full of people.
-It's Funmbi Omotayo!
So, please, can we have a round of applause for today's teams?
So, it is now time for two teams to answer questions.
Or as I like to call it, a comedy panel show,
a format, I really think is quick to catch on.
But what everyone is really after are my precious golden stars.
As usual, I will award bonus stars to anyone that makes me go...
"Hm, very good."
Or perhaps I go, "That's really interesting."
Or I might even go... LAUGHS: "..That's hilari..."
But be warned!
Give me any flack, not my good friend Caroline Flack,
but flack-flack and I will take those stars flack back.
Look, I don't want to have to... No, I do want to say this.
It's Iain's school, so it's...
Well done, everyone in this room tonight.
You are all special in your own individual ways. You too, Lauren.
The team with the most stars at the end of the show are our winners
while the losers face detention with the man scarier than finding a
piranha in your soup.
It's Mr Smash.
Arrgh, arrgh, arrgh.
MR SMASH LAUGHS
-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
MR SMASH LAUGHS
-CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
MR SMASH SHOUTS
MR SMASH SHOUTS
THE DOG PANTS
Do you know what happened, qualified doctor?
I don't think he will be taking over for David Attenborough
any time soon.
Anyway, on that note, let's get on with the show.
Time now for Stick To the Point.
-Stick to the Point.
I will ask questions and if our teams are too slow, repeat an answer
or make less sense than that Mr Smash sketch,
then I will put them in the shush position.
Can I see your shush positions?
Lovely. But first I need, I need my stick of pointy-ness.
LIVELY FLUTE TUNE PLAY
I'm not even going to use that because we've got a better one!
We've got a better stick! We've got the alphabet stick!
We are jazzing things up. The alphabet stick.
The last team to speak wins and don't forget,
all your answers have to begin with the same letter.
-OK. Alphabet game.
And we want things you can do on your holiday
beginning with the letter S.
-Say I'm having a great time on holiday.
-Oh, that's quite good.
-OK, I'll give you it. Abdul.
-Sing in the shower.
-Sing in the shower. Sophie.
-Yes, please. Ivo.
-Yeah. I mean...
Really building up Ivo's character.
Some solitary solitaire. Funmbi.
-Lovely stuff. Abdul.
-Swim with sharks.
-Oh, lovely stuff. Sophie.
-Yes. Dr Ranj.
BUZZER Shush position, please.
-Lauren, you are in shush position, aren't you?
-No, I'm not!
-Yes, that's right.
AS ROBOT: I am. I am sandcastle build.
My name is Lauren and I sandcastle build.
Yes, please. Science on holiday. The old classic.
Oh, yes, please. Abdul.
Yes! AS ROBOT: Seeing different international people.
Help me sandcastle build. Sophie.
-Yes, please. Ivo.
Yes, scuba, scuba.
-Lauren...is in the shush position.
-No, I'm not yet.
-Stop making me go in it!
Scrape the sand from beneath your feet when you've been on the beach.
Lovely stuff. Abdul.
-We've had it.
-He said scuba.
Abdul, get in the shush position and stay in it. Funmbi.
-We've had it. Shush position!
-Oh, sorry, that was me.
Skirt around the issue of going home.
-BUZZER Shush position.
Shush position! Ivo.
Come on, to go with the science.
Yes, please. Ivo.
BUZZER Shush position.
SCHOOL BELL DINGS
At the end of that round, I can tell you the gold star goes to...
-Time now for Pie the Supply. ANNOUNCER:
-Pie the Supply.
An incredible game.
We are about to meet four people, all claiming to be real teachers,
but only one is telling the truth.
The question is can our team see through
the lies before they grab the pies?
And if both teams fail to identify and pie the supply,
then there will be a penalty pieing.
So here are our four chemistry teachers.
Teacher one, Ms Morris.
Teacher two, Mr Singh.
Don't build up your part, Mr Singh.
Teacher three, Miss Kirk.
Or teacher four, Miss Greenhill.
OK, there's your four teachers.
Abdul's team, nothing more, nothing less, I just want first impressions.
Come on, guys. Anything.
What do you think, captain?
I want to go for number one, but she looks too smiley to be a teacher.
OK, Sophie's team. Just first impressions. That's all I want.
-I'm going to go with number three
cos she just looks like a chemistry teacher.
Now, Abdul's team. Chemistry teachers.
What question have you got for our teachers? It can be anything.
You can ask them individually, you can ask them as a group,
you can ask just one person, one question.
It is all up to you.
If I was misbehaving, what would you say to us?
OK, let's do your best stop talking voices.
We will start with number two.
You both are going out!
-OK, number three.
-Stop talking now.
I have the loudest voice in the class.
I don't know what that means. And finally, number four.
Ho! Ho! Sophie's team. Chemistry teachers.
OK, so my question is this -
it's chemistry, it's dangerous, there is a fire, there's a fire.
-There's a fire!
-There is a fire.
Can you please do an impression of your best putting out of a fire?
It makes no sense. Number four, put out that fire.
Oh, there's a fire. Oppan Gangnam style.
Number one, put out the fire.
SHE BLOWS VERY HARD
HE BLOWS It's a building,
not your birthday cake.
-I don't feel like they're passionate about this fire.
She's wafting it. Naughty fire.
-And we've saved the best for last.
-Come on, number two.
I raise the alarm, break the fire.
OK, audience, this is important.
Vote now on the count of three. One, two, three excellent
THEY SHOUT DIFFERENT ANSWERS
OK. OK. Sh, sh, sh. Sh, sh, sh.
Decision time. Who lied and who is about to get pied?
OK, Abdul, you are first. It is time pie the supply!
-Pie the supply!
Go on, Abdul, nice and gently, remember.
Gently, gently, catch your monkey.
Place it in the face of the person you think is the real
Look at number one, she's scowling.
He's launched it.
I love that number two ducked down like anyone was
going to pie him in the face.
OK, Sophie, it is your time to pie the supply!
Pie the supply!
Nice and gentle, place that pie in the person... Oh!
I'm so sorry.
Nice little apology there. You can wipe your face down, guys.
OK, let's put them out their misery.
Would the real supply teacher please step forward?
Please be right.
We pied the teacher.
And because you guys got it correct, at the end of that round,
the gold stars go to Abdul's team.
Time for A History of Stirling.
A History of Stirling!
HE INHALES DEEPLY
Stop it. Stop the mu... Stop the mu...
Hi, everyone. Sorry. I don't mean the Scottish town of Stirling.
I mean me! Iain Stirling.
Yes, much better. Two lucky players are about to get the honour of
answering questions all about me, Iain Stirling.
So, Abdul, who do you want to answer questions about me? Iain Stirling?
I'm going to go for...
-You're going to go with Ivo.
Sorry, but I've got to go with Lauren.
OK, we've got Lauren against Ivo in the History of Iain Stirling!
I will ask you questions in turn and whoever knows the most about me,
Iain Stirling, at the end, will be crowned the winner.
-Do you both understand? STAMMERS:
-Yes, sir, yes.
Yes, yes, yes! OK. Let's start. Question number one.
To Ivo Graham.
Ivo, what is my dad's name?
-A, Iain Senior. B, Angus. Or C, Roger.
I'm going to say Angus. Even though it sounds like a Scottish joke.
My dad's name...
..is Roger Stirling! BUZZER
What advise would I give my younger self?
SHE BLOWS RASPBERRIES Always eat your vegetables,
don't show up to school dressed in a Halloween costume
unless you're absolutely sure everyone else is doing it...
-We've all been there.
-..or C, stay weird.
I love the idea of you just going round, going like,
-"Stay weird, kids."
-It's my catchphrase.
"Hey, guys, stay weird. Boop!"
Vegetables, dress up, weird.
I'm going to say stay weird.
The answer is...
..stay weird, kids. Boop! Correct.
-I can't believe that's your advice.
-Who says that?
-You're not even weird!
-Stay weird, kids.
-Stay weird, kids.
-Hey, you ready for this one?
What has been my proudest moment?
Do you want to tell me now or should I give you the options?
I'd like to hear the options. But I've got a few ideas.
Running the London Marathon,
winning a BAFTA or winning a haggis eating competition at school.
Imagine if after Angus, I then went for the haggis.
No, I'm going to go for winning a BAFTA.
Because you didn't do the London marathon.
I watched it once.
The answer is winning a BAFTA.
-Lauren. Which of these instruments do I NOT play?
-Which ones do I NOT play.
-I didn't know you played any, but go on.
Well, I don't play one of these.
Violin, saxophone, guitar.
Which do I not play?
Not what do I do play. I don't want what I do do. What I don't do.
-I think you do do the guitar.
-I do do?
Because you like people busking and stuff.
-So I feel like he would play...
-So, the other ones were saxophone and...
Violin. He's not about playing the violin, Iain Stirling, is he?
Can you imagine that at home?
-He probably does. He's so weird.
Stay weird, kids.
I think it's... I think you don't play the violin.
I don't play...
I was in the Scottish Youth Orchestra.
And a few kids at school used to shout,
"Oh, you've got a tiny guitar."
"You are playing it with a bow, you are weird!"
As a child, what was my most embarrassing story?
Darren pulled my trousers down once at football.
I accidentally called my P7 teacher dad.
Not even mum, she had just had her hair cut.
I was walking home with a girl, I tried to impress her,
-and I farted very loudly.
It could be any of those three things.
"Well, tell you what, Susan, I actually play the vio..."
"..I meant saxophone."
Trousers down, calling teacher dad,
farting in front of the old lass.
They've all happened to me.
I'm going to say it was farting in front of the girl he fancied, Iain.
You've met him already, it was Darren
and the trousers incident.
You were so close. Lauren, what is my favourite film?
This is going to be good.
Aladdin, Frozen, the Lego Movie. Whoo!
I'm going to say Frozen. Who doesn't like Frozen?
Me! The answer is Aladdin.
BUZZER Tie-break. Tie-break.
It's a tie-break situation.
If I could sing a duet with anyone, who would it be?
Shout out the answer.
Matt from Busted, James from Busted or Charlie from Busted.
Charlie from Busted!
He's the best one!
-SCHOOL BELL RINGS
-He is the best one.
which means, at the end of that round, the person who got the most
right answers and gets himself a gold star is
Lauren for Sophie's team!
Time to play my favourite round ever in the history
of The Dog Ate My Homework.
-This is High School Dropout.
-High School Dropout.
In a moment, two of our guests will go head-to-head on this
the dastardly, the dreaded, The Dog Ate My Homework drop zone!
While stood on top of our giant bins, each of our guests
will face the dastardly general knowledge questions,
but get three wrong and they will get binned.
Abdul, which of the two do you think should be on top of the bin?
Sorry, but I'm going to go for the more educated person.
Soph, who of the two do want to see binned?
I think, Funmbi, you can take one for the team.
I'll do one for the team.
OK, so it is, a qualified medical professional against a clown.
Who will win?
Please take your positions on the drop zone!
OK, guys, remember, get three questions wrong
and you will be binned.
But I would encourage you to confer with your teams just to make
sure you are definitely getting the best answer possible.
So, guys, are you ready for your first questions? Yes?
MUSIC: Glitterball by Sigma
-# So in love with you-ooh-ooh-ooh
# Oh, I'm so in love with you... #
MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS
OK, so our first question is for Dr Ranj.
According to a study about lost remote controls....
I really need the toilet, so hurry up.
Ivo, how confident are you?
I don't know, Iain, it's a difficult question!
I've never lost a remote control.
I can't get inside the mind of these people.
Abdul, team leader, are we going fridge/freezer?
-We are going fridge/freezer.
OK, Abdul said fridge/freezer. HE SHRIEKS
I can tell you.
Please don't wet yourself until after the record.
I don't want to do this.
You are, Ranj, I'm so sorry,
you are not going to the toilet any time soon.
165 million or 205 million.
Well, I think the 200 is to throw me off.
-I think 165 is an adequate number of tea drinkers.
Yeah, but Great Britain love their tea.
-I have like about 100 cups a day myself.
-So what do you reckon?
-I'd go up.
-I'd go up. Yeah.
-You'd go up?
I'm going to go with my team cos, you know, it's a team effort.
-I'm going to say 200 and... What was that?
OK, so Funmbi thought it was 165 million,
he was pretty sure.
-Don't tell us.
Luckily, Lauren Layfield famously queen of all things
knowledge. She stepped up with 205 million.
That was based on absolutely nothing.
You went with 205 million.
The answer was...
Which means, Funmbi go to the amber zone. Dr Ranj.
Oh, this isn't fair.
Which fruit has the highest water count?
Over to Ivo for his quick answer again.
I think Ranj's water content is getting higher with every minute.
I think it is strawberry, but I'm not so sure.
-I'm going to go with strawberry.
Strawberry or watermelon?
-Strawberry. The answer is...
BUZZER They both have 92% water.
-ALL SPEAK AT SAME TIME
You've been stitched up, mate.
You can't do that.
No, you go to orange. You go to orange, mate. You go to orange.
Hang on a minute.
-Welcome to orange, Ranji!
OK, you are in amber zone, Funmbi.
I honestly think it is a tie, I do think it is a tie,
but I feel Germany has won just one more.
Well, Lauren is obviously smashing this round so far.
I've got a theory for you. Italy hasn't won that much.
-Yeah, when have Italy won anything?
-In recent years.
-In recent years.
And they won a few years... Going to say Germany.
OK, you said both, your team said...
-No, no, no! I said Germany.
-He said Germany.
-You went Germany.
-The answer is...
-This is an outrage.
-They both won five times. Four times, sorry.
Funmbi, you've been stitched up and you go to the red zone.
Red zone. OK, Dr Ranj.
-I was going to say Birmingham.
-Ivo, any thoughts on this?
-I think it's Birmingham.
-I'm going to say Birmingham.
IN MANCHESTER ACCENT: Not Manchester?
What about Birmingham?
IN BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: Birmingham.
OK, Ranj. Manchester or Birmingham?
Should we say Birmingham? Three for Birmingham.
-OK, the answer is Manchester.
You go to the red zone.
-OK, here we go. Funmbi.
-Oh, hang on, I was getting confused.
Novak Djokovic isn't that one.
That's Roger Federer. He's well old.
Lauren has managed to take Roger Federer out of the equation.
I'm just going to leave you to it because I can't be of any help.
-You just be down there.
Bye then. Give a round of applause for Lauren.
You've got no Lauren this round, which means you've got
a better chance of getting the correct answer.
I'll give you... They're both born in the same year.
-That's how close it is.
-I'm going to say...
-No, never mind.
She was thinking Roger Federer again. We've all done it.
-What are you going to go, Funmbi?
-I think Djokovic is older.
You think Djokovic is older? I can tell you...
..the answer is...
..by seven days...
You are getting...
Yeah, which means everyone, Ranj wins. And he doesn't get dropped!
MIX OF BOOING AND APPLAUSE
Do it anyway?
Ranj is the winner and Abdul's team gets a gold star.
Sadly, that is just about it.
All we need to do now is add up the golden stars.
And the winners are...
Congratulations, Abdul's team.
As for Sophie's team, not only does the dog eat your homework,
but you get to do detention with Mr Smash.
It is time to take The Walk Of Shame.
# Loser! #
So that's your lot. As ever, we probably didn't learn much,
but it was fun trying. See you next time on...
-The Dog Ate My Homework!