Avril v Polly The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

CHEERING

Argh!

BELL RINGS

I'm Iain Stirling, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

a show that promises to be an emotional journey

when the teams realise we've run out of biscuits.

It's a cookie catastrophe!

LAUGHTER

Enough about the biscuits shortage.

Let's take the register. On my right, a girl

whose great-great-great-great-great- great-grandad invented the ruler.

And five seconds later, she tested the flex,

and then invented the first broken ruler.

It's Avril.

Here, sir.

And on Avril's team, a comedian and presenter on All Over The Place,

who's been making people laugh all over the world.

But in her defence,

I think that her passport photo's not even that bad.

-It's Victoria Cook!

-Here, sir!

And also on Avril's team, a presenter on Down On The Farm.

Yes, he went from X Factor to a tractor.

And now I know who's dragged in all that mud.

HE GRUMBLES

It's JB.

Yes, sir.

And on my left,

a girl whose school recently voted for their top 100 TV presenters.

Let's see where I come on the list.

Here we go, look at this.

I'm not on the list!

No gold stars for you.

Only joking, it's Polly.

Here, sir.

And on Polly's team, JB's co-presenter on Down On The Farm.

And today,

the wellies are off in this battle of the barnyard.

It could be FARM-ageddon.

But, please, no mud fights.

-It's Storm Huntley.

-Here, sir.

Also on Polly's team,

an impressionist known as the man of a thousand voices.

I'd ask him to impersonate me,

but then he'd be the man of 1,001 voices.

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, it's Luke Kempner.

-Here, sir.

-Can we please applaud both teams.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, given that we're all here, let's play for my precious golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

I'll award bonus stars to anyone who's so clever

their brain explodes.

Not literally, that would be disgusting.

But be warned, push your luck too far,

and I'll take those golden stars away.

Get... AUDIENCE: Awww!

Hey! It's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules.

Yes, it is. The team with the most stars

at the end of the show are our winners,

while the losers face detention

with a man more unpleasant than the dog's poo bag.

FLY BUZZES

It's Mr Smash.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

PLATE CRASHES

MR SMASH GRUMBLES

You learning to spin plates, Smashie?

PLATE CRASHES

Oh! Da, da-da, da, da.

Ah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha!

RECORD SCRATCHES

MUSIC PLAYS

Ha-ha-ha, ha, ha!

MUSIC STOPS

I have no idea what just happened there.

No-one spins them quite like DJ Smash.

Let's get on with the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Stick To The Point.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Stick To The Point.

I'll ask questions. If our teams are too slow,

repeat an answer or just talk rubbish,

then I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please, everyone?

Fantastic. Strong work by you all.

But first, I need my stick of pointiness.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

A-ha!

LAUGHTER

That's a stick of celery, mate.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

This is what I'm after. My rhyme-time stick.

That's a stick of dynamite, big man.

Argh!

Yeah, just don't drop it.

Whatever you do, don't drop it.

EXPLOSION

He'll be fine.

LAUGHTER

He'll be fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is the rhyme-time stick.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Rhyme Time.

Right, the last one speaking wins, and all these words need to rhyme.

The first topic,

I'm looking for things that rhyme with the word stay.

-JB.

-Play.

Nice. Luke.

Iain, you are my bae.

Whoa!

A bit creepy.

-Victoria.

-Iain, you make us want to run away.

Evil. Polly.

-Day.

-Yes! JB.

-Ray....

-Yes!

-..of sunshine.

-Polly.

-My birthday is in May.

Yes, it is.

-Victoria.

-Howay!

Yes. She is from Newcastle

and will shamelessly reference it throughout the show.

Luke.

Santa rides on a sleigh.

On a Ferrari, because he's had a payday.

LAUGHTER

JB.

When's it time to go on vac-a-tion.

-Whit?!

-Vac-AY-tion.

-Vac-AT-...

-Yeah.

-..tion.

-Yeah.

That's not how rhyming works.

Shush position, please, JB.

-Storm.

-Down on the farm, there's lots of hay?

-There is. Victoria.

-Hey, do you like my tan?

I've been to St Tropez.

Lovely stuff.

-Polly.

-Slay.

-You've had it already.

-No, but another type of sleigh.

-What type?

-Slay.

-Oh!

Bonus gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

Victoria.

Oh, I'm going to buy some new earrings because it's payday.

-I'll give that. Polly!

-Today is a good day.

-Have we had "day"?

-Yeah, but "today".

Payday followed by today.

I'm going to throw it to the audience.

Shush position, yes or no?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

They all said yes to a child.

Harsh. Shush position, Polly.

Victoria!

Wahay!

That's too similar to the other one you said, shush position.

And don't speak Geordie - I don't speak it!

-Storm?

-Betray?

Betray, ooh! Someone went to school.

Avril? Shush position.

Points go to Polly's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next one, things that rhyme with pies, pies.

-Storm.

-Flies.

Lovely stuff. Victoria.

Why-ayes!

HE LAUGHS

-Luke!

-Bad guys.

Yes, please. JB.

Some would say you're rather wise.

No, they haven't.

LAUGHTER

-Polly.

-Lies.

Exactly. A bit harsh.

Avril.

I don't know.

I'm actually bored now so...

-Storm.

-When you go to school, sometimes you have to wear ties.

Yes, you do. Victoria.

My auntie is called Glad-eyes.

LAUGHTER

No!

Gladys... OK.

Oi!

It's Iain's school so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules.

-Luke.

-I apologise.

Nice one, so should this lot over there.

Question my authority... JB?

It's time for a surprise.

Nice. Luke.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-When I was in Australia, I got lost in a "meyes".

In a "meyes"!

Say pies.

-Pies!

-Say maze.

Meyes.

-Shush position. VOICE FROM AUDIENCE:

-No!

What? Whit?!

Who said that? Who said that?!

Shush position,

shush position, shush position.

Stop putting your hands up!

If anyone messes with me again, I'll slay.

LAUGHTER

-JB?

-I don't think I'm going to get too many more tries.

Storm!

We should win a prize.

This is taking ages.

-JB?

-I'm a musician, I'm ready for the reprise.

Don't know what that means.

Polly?

Shush position.

It is Farmageddon.

JB versus Storm, normally they're on CBeebies, today, CBBC,

and they're going to destroy one another!

JB?

Points go to Polly's team!

-ANNOUNCER:

-School disco!

School disco!

# You know you're only in it

# Cos it's hot right now Hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air

# If you want it right now

# Eh-oh, eh-oh, hot right now

# You know you're only in it

# Cos it's hot right now Hot right now

# Turn it up right now. #

MUSIC STOPS

BELL RINGS

At the end of that round I can tell you, the gold star goes to...

Polly's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, guys, time for my favourite thing in the whole wide world.

It's time for Pie The Supply!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply!

We're about to meet four people all claiming to be real teachers

but only one is telling the truth.

The other three, well, they need to take

a good, long, hard look at themselves.

Our teams have to pie who they think is the real teacher,

and if both teams fail to pie the teacher,

then there will be consequences!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

You'd better believe it.

And today, they are all English teachers.

We have Ms Ross, Mr Smith,

Mr Brennan, Miss Scougall.

Guys, Avril's team.

All I want from you at the minute, first impressions.

I think number one and number four

because they just kind of have that, "Oh, you look like a teacher."

That cardigan's got teacher written all over it, doesn't it?

-JB?

-I'm going to say two.

-Number two.

-Two?

-Mr Smith.

I don't think, Mr Smith doesn't look like an English teacher,

he looks like a James Bond film,

just like the scientist that's made to work against his will.

LAUGHTER

OK, Polly...

just first impressions, look at them. Who are you thinking?

One, two, three, or four?

Number two just screams teacher to me because...

Whispers it - he's a very good teacher.

He stands like this and this is how teachers stand in assembly.

Like this.

Three has the shiniest shoes, I think I have to go for three.

Oh, shiny shoes number three, someone's happening.

Right, let's delve deeper, Avril's team.

Do you want to ask the guys anything?

So The Canterbury Tales...

Oh!

-By which author? Can I ask them all?

-Yeah.

Do you know what, how about you can do it all at the same time,

but do it in, like, boyband fashion.

-Yeah.

-Right, teachers, just don't let me down,

this is going to be funny, this, I can feel it.

On the count of three. Step forward and tell us

who wrote The Canterbury Tales.

One, two, three!

-ALL:

-Chaucer!

That was good!

It was Chaucer.

Polly's team, have you got any questions for our teachers?

So I talked a lot in class, I got in trouble all the time for talking,

what would you do to stop me from talking in class?

That's amazing, like, you three,

what's it called at the end of the show when you pretend to talk?

-Oh, rhubarb.

-Rhubarb, start, you three start rhubarb-ing.

We'll start with number three, go!

Do you want to share it with all of us?

Come on now, tell us all what you're talking about.

No, too nice and weirdly inquisitive.

LAUGHTER

You sound like, "Can I be in your gang?"

It was weird.

Number one. Go.

Do you guys want a warning first

or do you want to find yourself outside the door?

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Oh! See? Number one just slayed.

LAUGHTER

OK, number four, in your own time.

Break it up now or you'll end up in the principal's office.

This is taking me back.

Final time. Number two.

You three! Quiet!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

OK, this is as much your show as everyone else's, guys,

so who do you think it is?

One, two, three, or four, help these guys out?!

-AUDIENCE:

-Two!

It's time to find out who's lying and who's about to get pied.

So, Avril, you're up first, it's time to pie the supply.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply!

Nice and gently, Avril, get that pie in their face.

Place it in their face, Avril, place it in their face.

CHEERING

No!

Oh!

It was brutal!

Number one suffered friendly fire!

LAUGHTER

Polly, you're up next, it's time to pie the supply!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Pie The Supply!

OK, Polly! Who do you think the teacher is?

Number two's still reeling.

Nice and gently, place the pie!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

I've been told to tell the audience, the bases are soft.

Really sorry, Number Three.

Right, let's find out,

would the real supply teacher please step forward?

CHEERING

The real teacher was correctly identified,

which means the gold star goes to...

Avril's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

General knowledge now, with Watch Your Mouth!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Watch Your Mouth!

It's Mr Smash's favourite round.

And he's so excited, it looks like he's got ants in his pants.

What's that? He actually HAS ants in his pants?

Argh! Argh! Ay!

He's got ants in his pants,

but this is where our teams have to try and talk properly

with one of these stuck right in their pie holes.

It is a Mr Smash Growl Maker.

So, teams, can you please introduce the Growl Maker to your face?

Pop them in your moosh. Finger on buzzers,

anyone from your team can buzz in,

and the first question is, "To infinity and beyond"

is the catchphrase of which fictional toy astronaut?

But anyone can buzz again.

-Polly.

-Buzz Lightyear.

-Buzz Lightyear. And for a bonus point,

can you do your best Buzz Lightyear impressions?

We'll start with you, Storm.

To infinity and yond!

A bit creepy! Polly?

Tny uh!

Ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah! In Morse code.

And finally a professional impressionist, Luke Kempner.

To inchinity and beyond!

Lovely stuff, correct.

Fingers on buzzers.

What is the name of a person whose job is to plan and design buildings?

-Avril!

-Yes, Avril's team?

An architect?

Is correct! For a bonus points, name three famous buildings.

-JB? One, please.

-Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Leaning Tower of Pisa is quite famous bad architecture, though.

Avril?

Big Ben?

Big Ben? Not the building, it's actually the name of the bell.

It's called Big Ben. I'm giving you it.

Victoria?

-MUMBLES:

-The Tyne Bridge.

Not a word of it, no points.

LAUGHTER

Next, finger on buzzers,

what natural material shorn from sheep can be used to make...

-Avril!

-Yes! Avril's team.

-MUMBLES:

-Uhl.

Not a word, we'll have to hand it over.

Polly's team.

Wool.

Wool is correct!

OK, fingers on buzzers.

If I was wearing an eye patch, had a wooden leg...

-Polly!

-Yes, Polly's Team.

Pirates.

Pirate! Correct.

For a bonus point, Polly, your best pirate impression.

Ar!

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers. What is Ireland's national flower?

-Polly!

-Polly's team.

Shamrock.

Is correct. And for a bonus point, your best Irish accent, Storm!

Dardy-dar-dar-dar.

LAUGHTER

Ho! Lardy-hirdy bardy bur.

-Polly?

-Leprechauns.

Leprechauns, saying things now.

And finally, professional impressionist, Luke!

-MUMBLES:

-That thing you're saying is outrageous, so it is.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

OK, in what season would you commonly expect snow,

ice and freezing temperatures?

-Avril!

-Yes?

-Winter.

Correct. For a bonus point, can one of you blow the snowflakes

off of my hands? JB?

CHEERING

BELL RINGS

Oh, that is the end of the round,

and at the end of that round, I can tell you

the gold star goes to...

Polly's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for High School Dropout.

-ANNOUNCER:

-High School Dropout!

In a moment, two intrepid guests

will scale to the dizzy heights of this,

The Dog Ate My Homework drop zone!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

Standing atop of our school bins,

the chosen guests have to answer

punishing general knowledge questions.

Get three wrong in a row And in the bin you will go

I will say it really slow It's a poem, don't you know?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Avril, who do you want to see from your team stood on top of a bin?

I'm going to send Victoria.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh.

You have picked the lady that hasn't got an answer yet today.

-Polly!

-Luke.

-Oh!

OK, it's Luke versus Victoria.

It's time for you both to take your positions on the drop zone!

OK, remember, guys,

the first person to get three questions wrong is binned.

What I'll do, Luke, is I'll get the button here and I'll just go...

I'm winding you up. OK, first question is for Avril's team.

So, Vic.

Yep.

Papua New Guinea is the most linguistically diverse place

on earth, but how many languages are estimated to be spoken there?

What do you think?

Personally, I'm thinking in the 700s because seven is my lucky number.

Mine too!

I think it may be eight

because people would think,

-"Oh, obviously it would be the shorter number."

-Yeah.

So are you going to go with the adults

or are you going to go with the team captain?

All right, I mean, to be fair, Avril, you are a canny, clever lass.

That means very clever girl, Avril.

But I'm going to go with JB.

Oh!

I can tell you the correct answer is...

820!

-No!

-Avril was right.

You go to amber, two questions away from the drop.

What type of animal, Luke, is a dugite?

-A dugite?

-A dog.

A dog?

-That's a dog-ite.

-A dog-ite?

What type of animal is a dugite?

A snake or a mole?

Moles dig holes.

Moles dig holes, that's a lovely rhyme.

Moles dig holes, what was it, a snake?

-Snake.

-They're not doing any dugging, are they?

-No.

-No.

-No.

So I reckon mole.

-Not snake?

-Not snake - mole!

The correct answer is snake!

You go to amber, Luke Kempner.

Vic.

Come on!

I feel like it was 20.

What do you think, Avril?

I think I'm going to go 20.

OK, they're both going to go with 20.

-What are you going to go with?

-I'm going to go with 20!

OK, so last time you shunned your team captain and got it wrong.

This time you've gone with your team captain...

It's 21p, you've got it wrong!

Luke Kempner.

Do you think it would be easier to knit a scarf while running

-than juggling?

-Yeah, definitely.

-I feel like it would be.

I think you could, I mean, like, my nan,

she can knit stuff while she's watching Countdown.

Well, that's a very valid point.

The next step up is a marathon.

-Yep. I would say so.

-I say go juggling, I recommended it.

-No...

-He's not on your team.

No, I think knitting a scarf only because he said that.

OK, I'm going to go with juggling.

What?!

I trust my friend, Iain.

The answer is...

..knitted a scarf.

You're an idiot.

-Yeah.

-You deserve it.

Luke, button out.

Next person to get one wrong is dropped,

and the other team gets themselves a gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

Vic.

Or if a coffee pot was full or empty?

I know those fish - they can be canny cheeky.

They can be very naughty.

-Guys.

-What do you have, JB?

-What do you think?

-How much damage can fish do in a tank?

It depends what kind of tank, like,

if it's one of them tanks, that's quite a lot of damage.

Exactly, they can do a lot of damage.

This was in Cambridge, wasn't it?

Well done, you've managed to remember the question.

Aye, Iain, based on the fact it's Cambridgeshire

and people in Cambridgeshire are clever.

Ah, clever people, you know what they're always doing,

watching fish.

I am going to go with coffee pot.

You are one question away from the drop.

The answer is...

..the coffee pot!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Luke Kempner,

this is to avoid the drop.

Polly, what would you, what's your favourite country?

Bolivia or Columbia?

Columbia's a nicer word to say.

-The girl's got a point.

-That is all I need.

Columbia!

-It is nice to say.

-Don't mess it up.

-Don't mess it up!

-I won't mess it up.

The country with the more airports is...

..written down...

Oh!

..on my card...

..Bolivia!

CHEERING

Which means, at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Avril's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE:

-Drop, drop, drop, drop!

And that's just about it,

all I need to do now is add up the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhhhhhh!

And the winners are...

..Polly's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, you lot,

you get all the flowers we could afford

out of Mr Smash's pocket money,

I just hope no-one's going to get hay fever.

As for Avril's team, not only does the dog get your homework,

but you have detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La, la, la, la-la, la... #

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la, la... #

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la, la... #

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la, la... #

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la, la... #

-Losers!

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

So, guys, that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much, but do you know what?

It was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE