Josh v Jenna The Dog Ate My Homework

HE SNORES LOUDLY

DOG PANTS, MAN GRUNTS

PANICKED SHOUTS AND SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hola, amigos!

LAUGHTER

I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.

You've turned on the TV,

you've turned up the volume and I've...

turned up the handsome.

Let's take today's register.

On my right, a boy who in science class claims

he can turn himself into the Incredible Hulk.

Always bigging himself up!

It's Josh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here, sir!

And on Josh's team, a comedian who has performed to thousands

on BBC One's mega hit Live At The Apollo,

or as we like to call it,

The Dog Ate My Homework warm-up show.

-It's Jack Carroll.

-Here, sir!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Finally, on Josh's team, a comedian obsessed with Twitter.

So I can only introduce her in 280 characters or less...

Sorry, I've ran out of characters, which is a shame because

-I had a very good joke lined up. It's Bec Hill!

-Here, sir!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

To my left, a girl who has the world's biggest collection

of paperclips, and if you lay them end to end, it still

doesn't make it any less weird.

It's Jenna!

-Here, sir!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On Jenna's team, a wildlife presenter who recently learned

that if you join all the dots on a leopard, you should run away.

It's Naomi Wilkinson. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here, sir!

Last but not least, on Jenna's team, a comedian whose new stand-up show

aims to make politics fun.

How'd you do that, by not talking about it?

Yawn!

Politics is actually very important, kids,

and you should learn about all the parties.

It's Tez Ilyas!

-Here, sir!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can we please applaud both teams?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Stare straight ahead, smile, don't burp,

and try not to pick your nose.

What? Oh, that was... that was just for me?

Sorry, sorry.

But what our teams have to do is battle it out for

my precious golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I'll award bonus stars to anyone who makes me

burst into spontaneous song, although please don't do that,

because it would be awful.

But be warned, give it all that and I'll take those stars back.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Hey! Don't grumble, because it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

I've got a catchphrase.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are our winners,

while the losers face detention with a man

scarier than the tissue your gran keeps up her sleeve. Eugh!

It's Mr Smash.

Argh!

BOOING

HE GRUNTS AND LAUGHS

Argh!

Argh!

Huh? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

I mean, that was ridiculous.

So stupid.

Trust me, you don't want to go shopping with Smashy,

it's a nightmare, so let's get on with the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Stick To The Point.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Stick To The Point!

I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow, repeat an answer

or just shout "I cannae take it!", which happens quite a lot,

we'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, everyone?

Lovely. Lovely.

But of course, to do this, I need my stick of pointiness!

UPBEAT ROCKY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

Thank you very much.

And go again.

UPBEAT ROCKY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

Smash and the dog, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So you know the rules, last team speaking wins,

we are going to start easy.

Things you would find in a science class.

-Josh?

-Thermometer.

-Lovely stuff. Jenna?

-Tripod.

Tripod, lovely stuff.

-Bec?

-Bunsen burner!

Why did you say it like that?

It's more fun that way.

-Naomi Wilkinson?

-Mrs White, she was my chemistry teacher.

-Jack!

-Explosions.

They're pretty easy to find.

-Jenna?

-Thermometer.

Thermometer, we've had it! BUZZER

-Unlucky, Jenna, shush position.

-Oh, no!

-Josh?

-Gas tap.

Gas tap, yes.

-Naomi?

-Very fetching science goggles.

Lovely fetching science goggles.

-Jack?

-Gravity.

You do find gravity, mate. Tez?

The skeleton hanging off a string.

-Lovely stuff. Bec?

-Gas?

Just gas. Not the tap.

Gas. Just farting all the time.

"I've done a trump." "Get away from the Bunsen burner!"

-Naomi?

-The periodic table.

Yes, please. Josh?

BUZZER Shush position. Mate, unlucky.

-Naomi?

-Erm...

Shush position! Jack.

Desks.

I can see where this is going then.

-Tez?

-Thermometers.

-BUZZER

-We've had it!

-I know!

-Oh, Tez!

Shush position.

Points go to Josh's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, next subject.

Apps you wish existed.

-Naomi?

-An app to explain your jokes.

APPLAUSE

Don't applaud that!

Why are you applauding that?

Right, you!

She walks about, you act like a CBeebies presenter.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Oh, I'm so sweet!"

I'm onto you, Wilkinson!

HE WHISPERS: I'm on to you.

And if you applaud one more thing she says...

APPLAUSE No, no.

Apps you wish existed, Josh?

An app that does your homework for free.

-Oh, does it for free.

-That's a good one, that's a good one.

-KID IN AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Look at one kid. "Yeah!"

-Tez?

-Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

And then it just says you.

Oh, thanks, mate.

-Jack?

-Angrier Birds.

Angrier Birds!

-Tez?

-Instagran, so when you're feeling lonely,

you just call up a gran and they come and make you feel better.

-Yours are nice.

-Do you know what, bonus gold star for cuteness, Tez.

-Thank you!

-You're welcome. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Let's see if we can get more cuteness.

-Josh!

-An app that tells you what to wear for the day.

Yes, please.

Or as it's also known as - Iain Stirling's Instagram.

-Naomi?

-An app that gives you superpowers.

Yes, please.

Josh!

-An app...

-Mm-hm?

-..that's...

-That, mm-hm?

BUZZER Shush position, mate.

You're not fooling me.

An app...

..that...

..completes my sentences?

-Naomi?

-Erm...

BUZZER

Shush position. Jack?

Candy Crush, where if you lose you get crushed by a load of candy.

-Dairy Milk.

-I like it.

-Tez?

-An app that lets you travel through so that you can

just get from one place to another in a split second.

-What would you call it?

-Erm...

Snap Go.

Snap Go.

HE IMITATES TEZ: I'd call it Snap Go.

Snap Go, bro.

Is that you looking around... I'd call it, um, Stick Mug.

Jack?

BUZZER Shush position.

-Jenna?

-An app that when like... if you want to play football,

it just makes a football pitch.

Wow.

An app that's like going outside.

-Bec?

-Snap Hat...

IAIN LAUGHS

..where you can turn into a hat.

-Jenna?

-An app that...

BUZZER Shush position, it's fine.

-Bec?

-Snap Cat.

What happens?

Turns you into a dog, it's quite surprising.

-Tez?

-Snap Hat.

-BUZZER We've had it!

-Oh!

That means points go to Josh's team!

BELL RINGS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, I can reveal that the gold star goes to...

..Josh's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Lunchbox Of Lies!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Lunchbox Of Lies!

In a moment, I'll ask each member of the team to describe

the wild and wacky contents of their lunchbox.

However, one lunchbox is empty, meaning that one of the teams

is telling a porky pie.

But all the other team has to do is guess who's fibbing about what's in

their lunchbox. We'll start with Josh's team,

so can you please stand up and tell the team what's in your lunchbox?

We'll start with you, Bec.

It's some coloured pencils and pencil case

with Jelly Babies and jelly beans.

There you go.

Josh, what's in your lunchbox, mate?

It is hot dogs on a bed of ping-pong balls.

"On a bed of," he said it like he was a Michelin chef.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: "On a bed of ping-pong balls."

Jack?

It's a rubber duck floating in a gravy boat.

There you go. You can ask these guys anything you want about what's

in their lunchbox and identify who's telling the porky pie.

What about Bec's pencil case filled with jelly beans?

Yeah, I think so!

What sort of pencil case is it?

-A clear one, clear plastic one.

-That's how she can see inside it.

All right, and what's in the pencil case?

The jelly beans and Jelly Babies.

They could be Gummi Bears.

You don't know the difference between a human being and a bear?

Josh, are they real hot dogs or toy ones?

-They are toys.

-How many?

There's about eight.

How many ping-pong balls?

-I can't count.

-You can't count?

-No.

-Jack, what was in the gravy boat again? Remind me, a rubber duck?

Rubber duck.

A little bit of detail for you - it's got a hat, like a...

a bowler hat and some sunglasses on.

Not being funny, Jack, but if I did see a duck and it had a hat and some

sunglasses on that would be one of the first things I'd mention.

Can you just move it around in the gravy and then show us the gravy on

your fingers?

I mean, I could do it...

-But you're not going to.

-No, I'm not going to.

Where Jack comes from, you don't waste good gravy!

I'm not putting me fingers int'gravy boat

and wasting all me gravy!

I'll drown the duck!

Where's Jack from?

He's from the north, but he spent quite a lot of time in Scotland!

What do you guys think?

-Bec.

-You think Bec?

-Yeah.

-OK, Bec, please reveal if you have the lunchbox of lies.

CHEERING

Yay!

Oh, instant!

And just for completion,

Jack and Josh, can you please show us your lunchbox of lies?

There you go, look.

-BEC:

-That is some old gravy.

-ANNOUNCER:

-School disco!

School disco!

MUSIC: Don't Be So Hard On Yourself by Jess Glynne

RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

It's now time for Jenna's team to have a look inside

their lunchbox, so can you all stand up, please?

We'll start with you, Naomi Wilkinson,

what's inside your lunchbox?

Pineapple with googly eyes and lots of space men flying around.

Flying around.

Jenna, what's in your lunchbox? Tell me, please, tell me.

A rubber glove with carrot fingers and...

..a human hummus.

A human hummus?

LAUGHTER

What are you made of, like, skin and bones?

No, chickpeas.

LAUGHTER

-Tez Ilyas!

-I've got a classic gift of a gift wrapped slice of pizza...

..on a nest of party blowers.

OK. Do you want to ask them any questions?

Yeah, who's lying?

Any questions, Bec? Go on, you can ask them anything.

You might want to ask what a human hummus is, for example.

What colour are the spaceships?

-It's spacemen.

-Oh, sorry, spacemen.

And they're all different colours.

There's two little tiny white ones with yellow pants on.

What, spacemen with just pants on?

Yeah. All different colours.

-Tez?

-Yes?

-What flavour pizza is it?

It's cheese and tomato with...

..pepperoni. And what else? Olives.

If it's giftwrapped, how did you know?

Because it's been opened.

Do you want to ask Jenna anything about her rubber glove carrots and

-human hummus?

-Is the hummus in a packaging?

-It's in a tub.

-It's in a tub!

Does the tub have a sell by date?

Does the tub have a sell by date, Jenna?

-Erm, no.

-Josh?

Who do you think has got the Lunchbox Of Lies?

I'm going to go for Tez.

Really? After he made such a convincing argument?

Tez, do you have the Lunchbox Of Lies?

No!

APPLAUSE

Look! It's giftwrapped in paper and it's giftwrapped, see!

I've explained it quite well.

No, you explained it terribly,

that's why they thought you were lying.

OK, Jenna's team, can you please reveal who has the Lunchbox Of Lies?

It's Naomi!

I really wanted to see the spacemen in their pants.

-Yeah.

-I mean, it's a bit worrying that that's what Naomi thought up.

OK, at the end of that round, the Gold star goes to...

Jenna's team! APPLAUSE

Oh, yes baby!

-It's time for Pie The Supply.

-Pie The Supply!

Once again four dodgy-looking dudes and dudettes

have waltzed into the studio -

we really do need better security -

all claiming to be real deputy head teachers,

but only one is telling the truth.

All our teams have to do is decide which one and if both teams fail to

pie the real teacher, then there will be a penalty.

EVIL LAUGH

SPECIAL EFFECT WEARS OFF

I'd make a rubbish super villain.

Talking of which, let's meet the teachers.

We have,

Mr Campbell, Mr McAlinden,

Mrs Smith, Mr Hou.

So there are your four teachers, OK.

Josh's team, all I want from you guys now, first impressions.

You're looking at them. Who screams headteacher, but not quite yet?

Headteacher, someone's in the way.

So what do you think Josh? You're at school.

Which one of those four looks teachery to you?

-I'm thinking number three.

-Oh, number three, OK.

We'll go over to Jenna's team.

Jenna, what do you think?

-Three.

-You think three as well?

Three is in the lead for the pie at the minute.

Right, now we can delve deeper now, we'll go to Josh's team.

You can ask questions.

What questions do you want to ask our deputy heads?

You can ask them individually, you can ask them as a group,

you can do what you like but ask away.

What does a deputy head actually do?

Good, very good question.

OK, number one, what does a deputy head actually do?

-Erm...

-LAUGHTER

Oh, come on mate, make an effort, you put a suit on special!

Well, I think, I think the main job is to kind of delegate well.

Number two, what does a deputy head do?

Just general duties at the school

and when the head's not there I'll...

When the head's not there that's when I shine!

The head's gone, kids! Let's wreck the place!

Number three, what does a deputy head actually do?

They look after their naughty children at lunchtime.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

And number four, what does a deputy head actually do?

-Admin.

-Admin.

That's all I do, admin.

OK, we'll go over to Jenna's team.

Any questions for our teachers?

Can I see your most serious stare, all of you?

Oh, yeah, let's do that. Let's go from four backwards, yeah?

When you're really cross with a student.

On the count of three, number four,

I want you to go from happy to your most sinister...

There, happy and you're sad!

-AUDIENCE: Oh!

-Oh!

Let's go to number three.

You're happy...

-And you're angry.

-Oh, she looks sad.

Number two, this is going to be good.

He's happy, he's angry.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

His beard got about a metre longer.

LAUGHTER

Finally number one, you're happy, you're angry.

LAUGHTER

Looks like he's wee'd himself.

-Get them to tell you off.

-I've got a question, Iain.

-Off you go.

-Given the constraints in educational budgets that teachers

have been facing over recent years...

What's that? No, it doesn't matter, we're out of time, Tez.

-Oh, thank you.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What if I got up on this chair?

-Jenna, have you got a question?

So, if I jumped on the chair, what would your reaction be?

There you go. I want you to imagine Jenna is jumping on the chair.

You're going to tell her off.

Here we go. Number four!

-I would pick her up.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-Pick her up.

-What?

-Whoa!

-SINGS THE LION KING THEME

Tell you what, you wouldn't jump on your chair again, Jenna.

Tell Jenna off for jumping on her chair, number one!

If you're defying me then you would soon know about it.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Defy me?

LOW VOICE: If you defy me you will know about it.

Hello, is that a little child?

You have defied me.

I am going to send number four to come and pick you up.

LAUGHTER

SINGS THE LION KING THEME

OK, Jenna's jumping on her chair, tell her off, number two!

Jenna, I would be very disappointed in you.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.

When your mum says that to you, you know you're in deep soupy trouble.

Number three, finally, Jenna's jumping on her chair, tell her off.

Jenna, you're making me really sad right now,

can you just get down off the chair?

That's the most monotone...

ROBOTIC VOICE: Jenna, you are making me feel incredibly sad right now.

You've had your questions, audience, they're going to need your help,

who do you think is the real teacher?

One, two, three, or four?

Vote now!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS SUGGESTIONS

OK, OK!

Come on, guys, better shush. It's your own time you're wasting.

OK, Josh, you're up first.

Who do you think's lied and who's about to get pied?

It's time for you to Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply!

On you go, Josh,

gently place the pie into the face of the person

you think is the deputy head teacher.

Nice and gently.

Into the face, gently, gently.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's stuck!

We've had the first pie stick of the series.

Right, go and sit down, Josh.

So, you're welcome, number two.

OK, Jenna?

Please go and Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply!

Go on Jenna, gently place that pie into the face

of the person you think is the deputy head teacher.

Go on, Jenna, nice and gently.

Place the pie into the face.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

GASPS AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's find out,

would the real deputy head teacher please step forward?

CHEERING Yay!

Oh! That means the gold star goes to Jenna's team!

APPLAUSE

OK guys, time now to play the... LAUGHTER

Time... Time now...

For, time now for spelling...

Spelling Bees.

Spelling Bees!

Go get changed, go get changed.

Team captains, you're the beekeepers so Josh,

who do you want to be your bee?

-I choose Bec.

-OK, lovely stuff.

-And Jenna.

-Naomi.

-Naomi!

OK, in that case it's Bec against Naomi - let's get ready to bumble!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, guys, I'll shout out words and all our two teams need to do

is grab the letters to spell out those words.

The team who spells the most correct words at the end are our winners.

-So, beekeepers, are you both ready?

-Yep.

-OK, bees, are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Your time starts on your first word and the first word you're

looking for is, Naomi!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

-Come on, Naomi! Come on!

-Get it in! Get it in! Get it in! Get it in.

Get it in. Naomi! Oh! Oh!

Get it in! Aargh! Oh!

Get it in. Come on, Naomi!

You're stronger.

-Ah! Naomi's down!

-Come on!

-Come on, Naomi!

This is a health and safety nightmare.

OK, Naomi, the next one is Loves.

Loves, next. Loves.

-What?

-Loves. SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

You've got it, you've got it, we've got one, we've got one!

Loves.

Start spelling, Jack.

Loves. We want Loves next, mate. Loves.

-Loves.

-Right.

Loves. Come on. Come on!

Get in that circle.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

-Yes! Yes! Come on!

-Aah!

Loves. We need Loves. We need Loves.

Nature. The final word is Nature.

You can do it, Naomi.

BELL RINGS

Times up, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop.

It's all over. Naomi, how do you feel?

How do you feel, Naomi? NAOMI PANTS

Pretty hard, this game. Pretty difficult.

Jack? I've been told you put the V in after time.

Get rid of that V.

Did I? Did I do it after...

Mate, put it down.

-I wonder where...

-So "Naomi loes".

-And you got "Naomi love".

-Ah.

It's supposed to be "loves", which means you both got Naomi.

So you both got one each which means both teams get a gold star!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's just about it, all we can do now is add up the stars.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

And the winners are...

..Jenna's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Jenna's team, you are the winners.

Unfortunately, Josh, not only does the dog eat your homework

but you have to spend detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

# Losers! #

So that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE