Josh v Jenna The Dog Ate My Homework


Josh v Jenna

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HE SNORES LOUDLY

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DOG PANTS, MAN GRUNTS

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PANICKED SHOUTS AND SCREAMS

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LAUGHTER

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BELL RINGS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hola, amigos!

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LAUGHTER

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I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.

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You've turned on the TV,

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you've turned up the volume and I've...

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turned up the handsome.

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Let's take today's register.

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On my right, a boy who in science class claims

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he can turn himself into the Incredible Hulk.

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Always bigging himself up!

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It's Josh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Here, sir!

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And on Josh's team, a comedian who has performed to thousands

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on BBC One's mega hit Live At The Apollo,

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or as we like to call it,

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The Dog Ate My Homework warm-up show.

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-It's Jack Carroll.

-Here, sir!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Finally, on Josh's team, a comedian obsessed with Twitter.

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So I can only introduce her in 280 characters or less...

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Sorry, I've ran out of characters, which is a shame because

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-I had a very good joke lined up. It's Bec Hill!

-Here, sir!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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To my left, a girl who has the world's biggest collection

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of paperclips, and if you lay them end to end, it still

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doesn't make it any less weird.

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It's Jenna!

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-Here, sir!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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On Jenna's team, a wildlife presenter who recently learned

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that if you join all the dots on a leopard, you should run away.

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It's Naomi Wilkinson. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Here, sir!

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Last but not least, on Jenna's team, a comedian whose new stand-up show

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aims to make politics fun.

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How'd you do that, by not talking about it?

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Yawn!

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Politics is actually very important, kids,

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and you should learn about all the parties.

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It's Tez Ilyas!

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-Here, sir!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Can we please applaud both teams?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Stare straight ahead, smile, don't burp,

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and try not to pick your nose.

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What? Oh, that was... that was just for me?

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Sorry, sorry.

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But what our teams have to do is battle it out for

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my precious golden stars.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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I'll award bonus stars to anyone who makes me

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burst into spontaneous song, although please don't do that,

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because it would be awful.

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But be warned, give it all that and I'll take those stars back.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

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Hey! Don't grumble, because it's Iain's school, so it's...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

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I've got a catchphrase.

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The team with the most stars at the end of the show are our winners,

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while the losers face detention with a man

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scarier than the tissue your gran keeps up her sleeve. Eugh!

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It's Mr Smash.

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Argh!

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BOOING

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HE GRUNTS AND LAUGHS

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Argh!

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Argh!

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Huh? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, that was ridiculous.

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So stupid.

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Trust me, you don't want to go shopping with Smashy,

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it's a nightmare, so let's get on with the show!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Time now for Stick To The Point.

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Stick To The Point!

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I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow, repeat an answer

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or just shout "I cannae take it!", which happens quite a lot,

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we'll put them in the shush position.

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Can I see your shush positions, everyone?

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Lovely. Lovely.

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But of course, to do this, I need my stick of pointiness!

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UPBEAT ROCKY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

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Thank you very much.

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And go again.

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UPBEAT ROCKY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

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Smash and the dog, everybody! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So you know the rules, last team speaking wins,

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we are going to start easy.

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Things you would find in a science class.

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-Josh?

-Thermometer.

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-Lovely stuff. Jenna?

-Tripod.

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Tripod, lovely stuff.

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-Bec?

-Bunsen burner!

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Why did you say it like that?

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It's more fun that way.

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-Naomi Wilkinson?

-Mrs White, she was my chemistry teacher.

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-Jack!

-Explosions.

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They're pretty easy to find.

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-Jenna?

-Thermometer.

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Thermometer, we've had it! BUZZER

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-Unlucky, Jenna, shush position.

-Oh, no!

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-Josh?

-Gas tap.

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Gas tap, yes.

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-Naomi?

-Very fetching science goggles.

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Lovely fetching science goggles.

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-Jack?

-Gravity.

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You do find gravity, mate. Tez?

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The skeleton hanging off a string.

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-Lovely stuff. Bec?

-Gas?

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Just gas. Not the tap.

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Gas. Just farting all the time.

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"I've done a trump." "Get away from the Bunsen burner!"

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-Naomi?

-The periodic table.

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Yes, please. Josh?

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BUZZER Shush position. Mate, unlucky.

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-Naomi?

-Erm...

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Shush position! Jack.

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Desks.

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I can see where this is going then.

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-Tez?

-Thermometers.

-BUZZER

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-We've had it!

-I know!

-Oh, Tez!

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Shush position.

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Points go to Josh's team!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, next subject.

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Apps you wish existed.

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-Naomi?

-An app to explain your jokes.

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APPLAUSE

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Don't applaud that!

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Why are you applauding that?

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Right, you!

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She walks about, you act like a CBeebies presenter.

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HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Oh, I'm so sweet!"

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I'm onto you, Wilkinson!

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HE WHISPERS: I'm on to you.

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And if you applaud one more thing she says...

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APPLAUSE No, no.

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Apps you wish existed, Josh?

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An app that does your homework for free.

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-Oh, does it for free.

-That's a good one, that's a good one.

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-KID IN AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Look at one kid. "Yeah!"

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-Tez?

-Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

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And then it just says you.

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Oh, thanks, mate.

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-Jack?

-Angrier Birds.

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Angrier Birds!

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-Tez?

-Instagran, so when you're feeling lonely,

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you just call up a gran and they come and make you feel better.

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-Yours are nice.

-Do you know what, bonus gold star for cuteness, Tez.

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-Thank you!

-You're welcome. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Let's see if we can get more cuteness.

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-Josh!

-An app that tells you what to wear for the day.

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Yes, please.

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Or as it's also known as - Iain Stirling's Instagram.

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-Naomi?

-An app that gives you superpowers.

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Yes, please.

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Josh!

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-An app...

-Mm-hm?

-..that's...

-That, mm-hm?

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BUZZER Shush position, mate.

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You're not fooling me.

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An app...

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..that...

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..completes my sentences?

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-Naomi?

-Erm...

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BUZZER

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Shush position. Jack?

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Candy Crush, where if you lose you get crushed by a load of candy.

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-Dairy Milk.

-I like it.

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-Tez?

-An app that lets you travel through so that you can

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just get from one place to another in a split second.

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-What would you call it?

-Erm...

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Snap Go.

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Snap Go.

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HE IMITATES TEZ: I'd call it Snap Go.

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Snap Go, bro.

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Is that you looking around... I'd call it, um, Stick Mug.

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Jack?

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BUZZER Shush position.

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-Jenna?

-An app that when like... if you want to play football,

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it just makes a football pitch.

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Wow.

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An app that's like going outside.

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-Bec?

-Snap Hat...

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IAIN LAUGHS

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..where you can turn into a hat.

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-Jenna?

-An app that...

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BUZZER Shush position, it's fine.

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-Bec?

-Snap Cat.

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What happens?

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Turns you into a dog, it's quite surprising.

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-Tez?

-Snap Hat.

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-BUZZER We've had it!

-Oh!

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That means points go to Josh's team!

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BELL RINGS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And at the end of that round, I can reveal that the gold star goes to...

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..Josh's team!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Time now for Lunchbox Of Lies!

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-ANNOUNCER:

-Lunchbox Of Lies!

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In a moment, I'll ask each member of the team to describe

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the wild and wacky contents of their lunchbox.

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However, one lunchbox is empty, meaning that one of the teams

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is telling a porky pie.

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But all the other team has to do is guess who's fibbing about what's in

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their lunchbox. We'll start with Josh's team,

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so can you please stand up and tell the team what's in your lunchbox?

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We'll start with you, Bec.

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It's some coloured pencils and pencil case

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with Jelly Babies and jelly beans.

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There you go.

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Josh, what's in your lunchbox, mate?

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It is hot dogs on a bed of ping-pong balls.

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"On a bed of," he said it like he was a Michelin chef.

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IN FRENCH ACCENT: "On a bed of ping-pong balls."

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Jack?

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It's a rubber duck floating in a gravy boat.

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There you go. You can ask these guys anything you want about what's

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in their lunchbox and identify who's telling the porky pie.

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What about Bec's pencil case filled with jelly beans?

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Yeah, I think so!

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What sort of pencil case is it?

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-A clear one, clear plastic one.

-That's how she can see inside it.

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All right, and what's in the pencil case?

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The jelly beans and Jelly Babies.

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They could be Gummi Bears.

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You don't know the difference between a human being and a bear?

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Josh, are they real hot dogs or toy ones?

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-They are toys.

-How many?

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There's about eight.

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How many ping-pong balls?

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-I can't count.

-You can't count?

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-No.

-Jack, what was in the gravy boat again? Remind me, a rubber duck?

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Rubber duck.

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A little bit of detail for you - it's got a hat, like a...

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a bowler hat and some sunglasses on.

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Not being funny, Jack, but if I did see a duck and it had a hat and some

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sunglasses on that would be one of the first things I'd mention.

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Can you just move it around in the gravy and then show us the gravy on

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your fingers?

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I mean, I could do it...

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-But you're not going to.

-No, I'm not going to.

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Where Jack comes from, you don't waste good gravy!

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I'm not putting me fingers int'gravy boat

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and wasting all me gravy!

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I'll drown the duck!

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Where's Jack from?

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He's from the north, but he spent quite a lot of time in Scotland!

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What do you guys think?

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-Bec.

-You think Bec?

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-Yeah.

-OK, Bec, please reveal if you have the lunchbox of lies.

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CHEERING

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Yay!

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Oh, instant!

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And just for completion,

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Jack and Josh, can you please show us your lunchbox of lies?

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There you go, look.

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-BEC:

-That is some old gravy.

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-ANNOUNCER:

-School disco!

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School disco!

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MUSIC: Don't Be So Hard On Yourself by Jess Glynne

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RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

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It's now time for Jenna's team to have a look inside

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their lunchbox, so can you all stand up, please?

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We'll start with you, Naomi Wilkinson,

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what's inside your lunchbox?

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Pineapple with googly eyes and lots of space men flying around.

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Flying around.

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Jenna, what's in your lunchbox? Tell me, please, tell me.

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A rubber glove with carrot fingers and...

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..a human hummus.

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A human hummus?

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LAUGHTER

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What are you made of, like, skin and bones?

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No, chickpeas.

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LAUGHTER

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-Tez Ilyas!

-I've got a classic gift of a gift wrapped slice of pizza...

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..on a nest of party blowers.

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OK. Do you want to ask them any questions?

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Yeah, who's lying?

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Any questions, Bec? Go on, you can ask them anything.

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You might want to ask what a human hummus is, for example.

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What colour are the spaceships?

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-It's spacemen.

-Oh, sorry, spacemen.

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And they're all different colours.

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There's two little tiny white ones with yellow pants on.

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What, spacemen with just pants on?

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Yeah. All different colours.

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-Tez?

-Yes?

-What flavour pizza is it?

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It's cheese and tomato with...

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..pepperoni. And what else? Olives.

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If it's giftwrapped, how did you know?

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Because it's been opened.

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Do you want to ask Jenna anything about her rubber glove carrots and

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-human hummus?

-Is the hummus in a packaging?

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-It's in a tub.

-It's in a tub!

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Does the tub have a sell by date?

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Does the tub have a sell by date, Jenna?

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-Erm, no.

-Josh?

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Who do you think has got the Lunchbox Of Lies?

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I'm going to go for Tez.

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Really? After he made such a convincing argument?

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Tez, do you have the Lunchbox Of Lies?

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No!

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APPLAUSE

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Look! It's giftwrapped in paper and it's giftwrapped, see!

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I've explained it quite well.

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No, you explained it terribly,

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that's why they thought you were lying.

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OK, Jenna's team, can you please reveal who has the Lunchbox Of Lies?

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It's Naomi!

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I really wanted to see the spacemen in their pants.

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-Yeah.

-I mean, it's a bit worrying that that's what Naomi thought up.

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OK, at the end of that round, the Gold star goes to...

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Jenna's team! APPLAUSE

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Oh, yes baby!

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-It's time for Pie The Supply.

-Pie The Supply!

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Once again four dodgy-looking dudes and dudettes

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have waltzed into the studio -

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we really do need better security -

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all claiming to be real deputy head teachers,

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but only one is telling the truth.

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All our teams have to do is decide which one and if both teams fail to

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pie the real teacher, then there will be a penalty.

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EVIL LAUGH

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SPECIAL EFFECT WEARS OFF

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I'd make a rubbish super villain.

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Talking of which, let's meet the teachers.

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We have,

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Mr Campbell, Mr McAlinden,

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Mrs Smith, Mr Hou.

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So there are your four teachers, OK.

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Josh's team, all I want from you guys now, first impressions.

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You're looking at them. Who screams headteacher, but not quite yet?

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Headteacher, someone's in the way.

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So what do you think Josh? You're at school.

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Which one of those four looks teachery to you?

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-I'm thinking number three.

-Oh, number three, OK.

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We'll go over to Jenna's team.

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Jenna, what do you think?

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-Three.

-You think three as well?

0:17:510:17:53

Three is in the lead for the pie at the minute.

0:17:530:17:56

Right, now we can delve deeper now, we'll go to Josh's team.

0:17:560:17:59

You can ask questions.

0:17:590:18:00

What questions do you want to ask our deputy heads?

0:18:000:18:02

You can ask them individually, you can ask them as a group,

0:18:020:18:05

you can do what you like but ask away.

0:18:050:18:07

What does a deputy head actually do?

0:18:070:18:09

Good, very good question.

0:18:090:18:12

OK, number one, what does a deputy head actually do?

0:18:120:18:15

-Erm...

-LAUGHTER

0:18:150:18:17

Oh, come on mate, make an effort, you put a suit on special!

0:18:170:18:21

Well, I think, I think the main job is to kind of delegate well.

0:18:230:18:27

Number two, what does a deputy head do?

0:18:280:18:30

Just general duties at the school

0:18:300:18:32

and when the head's not there I'll...

0:18:320:18:34

When the head's not there that's when I shine!

0:18:340:18:37

The head's gone, kids! Let's wreck the place!

0:18:380:18:42

Number three, what does a deputy head actually do?

0:18:420:18:45

They look after their naughty children at lunchtime.

0:18:450:18:48

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:18:480:18:50

And number four, what does a deputy head actually do?

0:18:500:18:52

-Admin.

-Admin.

0:18:520:18:54

That's all I do, admin.

0:18:540:18:56

OK, we'll go over to Jenna's team.

0:18:560:18:58

Any questions for our teachers?

0:18:580:19:00

Can I see your most serious stare, all of you?

0:19:000:19:02

Oh, yeah, let's do that. Let's go from four backwards, yeah?

0:19:020:19:05

When you're really cross with a student.

0:19:050:19:08

On the count of three, number four,

0:19:080:19:09

I want you to go from happy to your most sinister...

0:19:090:19:13

There, happy and you're sad!

0:19:130:19:16

-AUDIENCE: Oh!

-Oh!

0:19:160:19:18

Let's go to number three.

0:19:180:19:20

You're happy...

0:19:200:19:22

-And you're angry.

-Oh, she looks sad.

0:19:220:19:25

Number two, this is going to be good.

0:19:250:19:28

He's happy, he's angry.

0:19:280:19:30

AUDIENCE: Oh!

0:19:300:19:33

His beard got about a metre longer.

0:19:330:19:35

LAUGHTER

0:19:350:19:36

Finally number one, you're happy, you're angry.

0:19:370:19:41

LAUGHTER

0:19:430:19:46

Looks like he's wee'd himself.

0:19:460:19:48

-Get them to tell you off.

-I've got a question, Iain.

0:19:500:19:52

-Off you go.

-Given the constraints in educational budgets that teachers

0:19:520:19:57

have been facing over recent years...

0:19:570:19:59

What's that? No, it doesn't matter, we're out of time, Tez.

0:19:590:20:01

-Oh, thank you.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:010:20:04

-What if I got up on this chair?

-Jenna, have you got a question?

0:20:040:20:07

So, if I jumped on the chair, what would your reaction be?

0:20:070:20:12

There you go. I want you to imagine Jenna is jumping on the chair.

0:20:120:20:15

You're going to tell her off.

0:20:150:20:17

Here we go. Number four!

0:20:170:20:20

-I would pick her up.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

0:20:200:20:22

-Pick her up.

-What?

0:20:220:20:24

-Whoa!

-SINGS THE LION KING THEME

0:20:240:20:26

Tell you what, you wouldn't jump on your chair again, Jenna.

0:20:310:20:34

Tell Jenna off for jumping on her chair, number one!

0:20:350:20:38

If you're defying me then you would soon know about it.

0:20:380:20:41

AUDIENCE: Oh!

0:20:410:20:42

Defy me?

0:20:420:20:44

LOW VOICE: If you defy me you will know about it.

0:20:440:20:48

Hello, is that a little child?

0:20:490:20:52

You have defied me.

0:20:520:20:54

I am going to send number four to come and pick you up.

0:20:540:20:57

LAUGHTER

0:20:570:20:59

SINGS THE LION KING THEME

0:21:010:21:03

OK, Jenna's jumping on her chair, tell her off, number two!

0:21:030:21:07

Jenna, I would be very disappointed in you.

0:21:070:21:09

AUDIENCE: Oh!

0:21:090:21:12

I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.

0:21:120:21:14

When your mum says that to you, you know you're in deep soupy trouble.

0:21:140:21:19

Number three, finally, Jenna's jumping on her chair, tell her off.

0:21:190:21:22

Jenna, you're making me really sad right now,

0:21:220:21:24

can you just get down off the chair?

0:21:240:21:26

That's the most monotone...

0:21:260:21:28

ROBOTIC VOICE: Jenna, you are making me feel incredibly sad right now.

0:21:280:21:31

You've had your questions, audience, they're going to need your help,

0:21:330:21:37

who do you think is the real teacher?

0:21:370:21:40

One, two, three, or four?

0:21:400:21:42

Vote now!

0:21:420:21:44

AUDIENCE SHOUTS SUGGESTIONS

0:21:440:21:46

OK, OK!

0:21:490:21:51

Come on, guys, better shush. It's your own time you're wasting.

0:21:530:21:57

OK, Josh, you're up first.

0:21:580:22:01

Who do you think's lied and who's about to get pied?

0:22:010:22:04

It's time for you to Pie The Supply.

0:22:040:22:06

Pie The Supply!

0:22:060:22:08

On you go, Josh,

0:22:080:22:10

gently place the pie into the face of the person

0:22:100:22:14

you think is the deputy head teacher.

0:22:140:22:17

Nice and gently.

0:22:170:22:19

Into the face, gently, gently.

0:22:190:22:22

AUDIENCE: Oh!

0:22:220:22:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:260:22:28

It's stuck!

0:22:300:22:32

We've had the first pie stick of the series.

0:22:380:22:40

Right, go and sit down, Josh.

0:22:420:22:43

So, you're welcome, number two.

0:22:430:22:46

OK, Jenna?

0:22:460:22:47

Please go and Pie The Supply.

0:22:470:22:49

Pie The Supply!

0:22:490:22:51

Go on Jenna, gently place that pie into the face

0:22:520:22:56

of the person you think is the deputy head teacher.

0:22:560:23:00

Go on, Jenna, nice and gently.

0:23:000:23:02

Place the pie into the face.

0:23:020:23:04

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:23:040:23:06

GASPS AND APPLAUSE

0:23:060:23:08

OK, let's find out,

0:23:180:23:20

would the real deputy head teacher please step forward?

0:23:200:23:24

CHEERING Yay!

0:23:280:23:30

Oh! That means the gold star goes to Jenna's team!

0:23:360:23:41

APPLAUSE

0:23:410:23:43

OK guys, time now to play the... LAUGHTER

0:23:450:23:49

Time... Time now...

0:23:510:23:53

For, time now for spelling...

0:23:530:23:55

Spelling Bees.

0:23:550:23:57

Spelling Bees!

0:23:580:24:01

Go get changed, go get changed.

0:24:010:24:03

Team captains, you're the beekeepers so Josh,

0:24:050:24:09

who do you want to be your bee?

0:24:090:24:11

-I choose Bec.

-OK, lovely stuff.

0:24:110:24:14

-And Jenna.

-Naomi.

-Naomi!

0:24:140:24:16

OK, in that case it's Bec against Naomi - let's get ready to bumble!

0:24:160:24:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:220:24:24

OK, guys, I'll shout out words and all our two teams need to do

0:24:260:24:29

is grab the letters to spell out those words.

0:24:290:24:32

The team who spells the most correct words at the end are our winners.

0:24:320:24:36

-So, beekeepers, are you both ready?

-Yep.

-OK, bees, are you ready?

0:24:360:24:41

-Yeah.

-Your time starts on your first word and the first word you're

0:24:410:24:44

looking for is, Naomi!

0:24:440:24:47

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

0:24:470:24:49

-Come on, Naomi! Come on!

-Get it in! Get it in! Get it in! Get it in.

0:24:490:24:52

Get it in. Naomi! Oh! Oh!

0:24:520:24:55

Get it in! Aargh! Oh!

0:24:560:24:59

Get it in. Come on, Naomi!

0:24:590:25:00

You're stronger.

0:25:000:25:03

-Ah! Naomi's down!

-Come on!

-Come on, Naomi!

0:25:030:25:05

This is a health and safety nightmare.

0:25:070:25:09

OK, Naomi, the next one is Loves.

0:25:110:25:13

Loves, next. Loves.

0:25:130:25:15

-What?

-Loves. SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

0:25:150:25:17

You've got it, you've got it, we've got one, we've got one!

0:25:170:25:20

Loves.

0:25:200:25:21

Start spelling, Jack.

0:25:210:25:23

Loves. We want Loves next, mate. Loves.

0:25:240:25:26

-Loves.

-Right.

0:25:260:25:27

Loves. Come on. Come on!

0:25:270:25:31

Get in that circle.

0:25:310:25:33

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

0:25:330:25:35

-Yes! Yes! Come on!

-Aah!

0:25:370:25:38

Loves. We need Loves. We need Loves.

0:25:410:25:45

Nature. The final word is Nature.

0:25:450:25:47

You can do it, Naomi.

0:25:470:25:50

BELL RINGS

0:25:500:25:51

Times up, stop, stop, stop!

0:25:510:25:54

Stop, stop.

0:25:540:25:56

It's all over. Naomi, how do you feel?

0:25:560:25:58

How do you feel, Naomi? NAOMI PANTS

0:25:580:26:01

Pretty hard, this game. Pretty difficult.

0:26:020:26:06

Jack? I've been told you put the V in after time.

0:26:060:26:08

Get rid of that V.

0:26:080:26:10

Did I? Did I do it after...

0:26:100:26:12

Mate, put it down.

0:26:120:26:14

-I wonder where...

-So "Naomi loes".

0:26:140:26:17

-And you got "Naomi love".

-Ah.

0:26:180:26:20

It's supposed to be "loves", which means you both got Naomi.

0:26:220:26:25

So you both got one each which means both teams get a gold star!

0:26:250:26:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:290:26:32

And that's just about it, all we can do now is add up the stars.

0:26:350:26:40

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:26:400:26:42

And the winners are...

0:26:470:26:49

..Jenna's team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:500:26:53

Well done, Jenna's team, you are the winners.

0:26:550:26:57

Unfortunately, Josh, not only does the dog eat your homework

0:26:570:27:00

but you have to spend detention with Mr Smash.

0:27:000:27:02

It's time to take the walk of shame.

0:27:020:27:06

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

0:27:060:27:08

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

0:27:080:27:10

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

0:27:100:27:12

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

0:27:120:27:14

# La, la, la, la-la-la, la la Losers!

0:27:140:27:16

# Losers! #

0:27:160:27:18

So that's your lot.

0:27:180:27:20

As ever, we probably didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

0:27:200:27:23

See you next time on...

0:27:230:27:26

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

0:27:260:27:29

Sees ya!

0:27:290:27:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:310:27:32

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