Jenai v Cody 1 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHILDREN CHEER

SCREECH!

BANG!

HE MUTTERS AND GROWLS

Hello, everyone.

I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.

Yes, congratulations.

You just won a first-class ticket to Laughterville.

Destination - Funtown.

Which is great unless you just want to go to the shops,

in which case, sorry, you can just save some cash and laugh at Smash.

HE SOBS

Laughing at a man crying, that's what we do here.

But now you're all here, let's take the register.

On my right, a girl who says

the most interesting thing about her school is that it has a dragon.

Sorry, that it drags on.

-It's Jenai.

-Here, sir!

APPLAUSE

And on Jenai's team, a comedian and actor who just won't stop

-telling me about that time he appeared on Doctor Who.

-Yes.

And it's about time.

No, I mean, the show is literally about time travel.

He still brings it up all the time. It's Charlie Baker.

-Here, sir!

-APPLAUSE

Also on Jenai's team, one half of Johnny and Inel,

which he reckons he's about 45% of.

I said try higher and he said...

HIGH-PITCHED: 45% of!

It's Johnny Cochrane!

Here, sir!

APPLAUSE

And on my left, a boy who last term was glued to his woodwork project,

which is a long time to have a spice rack stuck on your head.

-It's Cody!

-Here, sir!

APPLAUSE

And on Cody's team, a comedian who even at school

had the teachers laughing, mostly when they were marking her homework.

-It's Suzi Ruffell.

-Here, sir!

APPLAUSE

And finally, on Cody's team,

a comedian whose smile lights up any stage,

which does save a lot of money on electricity bills.

-It's Inel Tomlinson.

-Here, sir!

APPLAUSE

Can we please have a round of applause for our teams?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As usual the teams are here for one thing and one thing only -

the free sandwiches.

Sardines, tripe and peanut butter. Delicious.

Hey, they're quite good, actually.

But they're also here for these - my famous golden stars!

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Along the way I'll also award bonus stars for whoever

tickles my fancy, like who can do the best animal impression.

ROAR!

Anyone else?

-I can do dog.

-OK?

Grrr-ruff! Ruff! Ruff!

Grrrrr-ruff!

Ruff! No?

HE WHISTLES

Is that dog whistling?

Grrr...

HE WHISTLES

-A dog pretending he's not getting a cat.

-I've got one, Iain.

I've got one.

Mmma-a-ah-ee!

What's that, a sheep being run over?

-It's actually a sheep eagle.

-Oh.

-In case you didn't realise.

-The old sheagle.

-Sheep and an eagle, exactly.

Do you know what, you can have a bonus gold star for your sheagle.

Thank you very much. Maa-ee!

Be warned, any wild behaviour and I'll take those stars away.

-ALL:

-Aww!

Hey! How many times - it's Iain's school, so it's...

Iain's rules!

The catchphrase is in effect.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners

while the loser face the attention of the man so scary,

even this pencil is nervous.

-Eek!

-PARP!

-Eek!

-PARP!

The pencil had a curry last night.

It's Mr Smash!

BOOING

HE PLAYS, HORRIBLY OUT OF TUNE

HE PLAYS SWEETLY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE MUTTERS

There is no beginning to that man's talent.

So let's get on with the show!

APPLAUSE

Time for Stick To The Point.

Stick To The Point!

I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow, repeat an answer

or just talk jibber jabber, I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Good shushing. Lovely stuff.

But first, I need my Stick of Pointiness.

Oh. I don't know where the Stick of Pointiness has got to.

I know, I know. Here, boy! Here, boy!

UPLIFTING MUSIC

NEEDLE SCRATCHES

Thanks very much. He's always playing up his part. Ridiculous.

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As you know, the last team speaking wins.

Our first topic is animals that would make terrible pets.

Terrible pets. Suzi!

-A bear!

-Yes!

-Johnny!

-A tiger.

-Mm-hmm.

-Inel!

-A cockroach.

-Jenai?

-A gorilla.

Yes. Cody?

-A lion.

-Good.

-Charlie?

-Tarantula.

Yes, please. Suzi?

A shark.

Oh, yeah, where would you keep it? In the sink?

Johnny?

A blue whale.

Where would you keep it? In the sink?

Suzi?

Nemo.

Where would you keep him?

-ALL:

-In the sink!

OK, we'll stop doing that now. Yeah, OK. Johnny?

Dolphin. Where would you keep it?

-ALL:

-In the sink!

-Yeah.

-The old ones are the best.

-Cody?

Uh... Lionfish.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-But for a bonus gold star, Cody, where would you keep it?

You would keep it in the sink!

I'm finding it fun and until you start enjoying it,

we're doing it for the next 20 minutes. Jenai?

A crocodile, but where would you keep it?

-ALL:

-In the sink!

Suzi?

Um...a...

BUZZER

Shush position. Johnny?

Dolphin.

BUZZER We've had it.

-You said it!

-You said it!

Your sink's full, mate.

I don't think you heard me the first time, so I had to say it again.

Shush position. Inel?

A parasite.

You know the ones that crawl under your skin

and then you're just like, what's that doing up my skin?

-And then you're like...

-OK. Jenai?

BUZZER

Shush position.

Shush position. Cody?

-A blue-ringed octopus.

-Nice.

Yes, please. Charlie?

Yes.

BUZZER

Points go to Cody's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, right, now we're going to play Stick To The Point

alphabetical-style.

Here we go, crank it up.

OK, and there's a new stick for it.

Here is my...alphabetical stick.

Alphabetical!

No expense...spent.

OK, and here we go.

So, things that smell bad beginning with the letter B.

Remember, it's a kids' show.

-Johnny.

-Burp.

Yes! Suzi.

-Bogs.

-Yes.

-Charlie?

-Builders' toilet.

-Ooh!

-Cody?

-Babies.

They can stink. Jenai?

Baked beans.

Baked beans, yes, particularly after consumption.

-Inel?

-Badgers.

Yes. Johnny?

Bums.

-Aww!

-It had to be done.

It's out there now.

There's some smelly bums out there

and I had to be clear about that, OK? Smelly bum.

-Eek!

-PARP!

-Suzi?

-Beetles.

Yeah, they stink. Charlie?

Bournemouth.

Ever been there? It stinks.

Full of old people.

-Inel?

-Brighton.

-Oh, that...

-No.

-It doesn't stink, Brighton doesn't stink.

Jenai's angry about this.

-No.

-Don't you have a go at Brighton!

Are you from Brighton, Jenai?

I'm not from Brighton but on the train, it went past it

and the doors opened and it smelled lovely.

-Bad news, Inel.

-Jenai, should I put him in the shush position?

-Yeah.

-I think you should.

-Shush position?

-You should.

Charlie?

Barry. My mate.

-Oh, my gosh!

-My mate Barry stinks.

-Smelly Barry.

-Smelly Barry.

If you're watching, Barry, hi.

-Cody?

-Bad breath.

Yes. Jenai?

Burgers that have fish in it that's stale.

Had to be precise.

-Suzi? Uh...

-Boxers' shorts.

Shorts belonging to boxers?

-A boxer...

-Yeah.

-..who's got all sweaty in the ring.

Oh. Charlie?

-Bag of manure.

-Yeah.

Cody?

A bag, like a smelly gym bag.

OK. Charlie?

Blue, the band blue.

-Stink.

-They do smell.

-All of them.

-Absolutely stink. Suzi?

-Uh...

-BUZZER

Shush position! Only Cody's left.

-Jenai?

-Blue cheese.

-Good one.

Blue cheese? I thought you said blue trees. Cody?

Brian, my papa, he stinks of old people.

-Outed on TV!

-Sorry, Papa!

There you go, Papa, if you're watching, sorry, Papa. Have a bath.

Johnny?

A bath that has been taken by a smelly person.

Cody?

A bird, like a stinky pigeon.

OK. Charlie?

-Body odour.

-Yes. Cody?

Burnt burgers.

BUZZER

-No, we've had that. Shush position. Points go to Jenai's team.

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

And at the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

Jenai's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

General knowledge now, and Watch Your Mouth.

Watch Your Mouth!

This is where teams have to do what, Mr Smash?

HE GROWLS

That's right. They have to growl,

or try to talk properly whilst they have one of these in their chops.

They are, of course, the Mr Smash growlmaker,

so teams, please insert your growlmakers into your mush.

Get them right in there.

Lovely stuff.

OK, this sounds good.

-It's good.

-It's good, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah.

I'm going to start drooling again.

One rule - don't drool. Use your tissues.

OK, here we go. Fingers on buzzers.

A spoonful of sugar is a song from which classic...

-BUZZER:

-Jenai!

Jenai?

Mary Poppins.

Yes. Name three foods which would be improved with a spoonful of sugar.

Uh...

-Hoons.

-Huh?

Hroon.

What are you saying, Charlie?

Hroons.

-Prunes?

-Yes.

-Prunes?

-Yes.

-Hrunes.

I need two more. Prunes?

-Hey-al.

-What?

-Cereal. He said cereal.

-Hey-al.

Cereal, and one more?

Oh, I've got one. Storories.

Sies. Yeah, pies.

-Strawberries.

-Strawberries! OK, that's fine. Next one.

Jet skiing, sailing and windsurfing are all types of...

-BUZZER:

-Cody!

Watersports.

Watersports is correct. Fingers on buzzers.

What is the second longest river in the United States?

-BUZZER:

-Jenai!

Jenai?

Ississihi.

-What?

-Mississippi, Mississippi.

For a bonus point, Charlie, spell Mississippi.

M-I-double-S I-double-S-I-double-P-I.

Mississippi.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hurrah!

OK, fingers on buzzers. What is the Scottish name for New Year's Eve?

-BUZZER:

-Cody!

-Cody.

-Hogmanay.

-Hogmanay, correct.

And for a bonus point,

all you guys have to do is celebrate Hogmanay by blowing these blowers.

Take one each, and wait...

Cody's doing it with his nose.

I'll give you the bonus point, I'll give you the bonus point. Well done.

Fingers on buzzers.

Final one - lions, polar bears, monkeys and whales

are all types of...

-BUZZER:

-Jenai!

Animals. Animals.

No, I need more specifics than that. Cody?

Arara.

-A mammoth?

-Arara.

Mamma.

-Mammals?

-Mammals! Correct!

And for a bonus point, do your best impression of a mammal.

We'll start with Suzi.

Ah-ah! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Monkey. Correct.

Cody?

Rrrrr!

-Oh, no.

-It's fine.

And finally, Inel?

Ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

Ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

What is it?

-Is a dahin.

-What?

-A dolphin.

-Daphin.

-A dolphin.

-A dolphin?

-Dolphin.

OK, I'll give you guys a little bonus point for that as well.

BELL RINGS

Oh. That's the end of the round, and at the end of the round,

I can tell you that the gold star goes to...

..Cody's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply.

We're about to meet four people all claiming to be real teachers

but only one is telling the truth.

Three of them are LYING!

And someone's in for a PIE-ING!

And if both teams fail to identify the correct teacher,

then there will be penalties...

-ALL:

-Oooh!

Here are today's teachers.

And they are all about business...

studies. They're business studies teachers. OK, we have got...

Mr Castledyne,

Mr Duncan,

Miss Kainth,

Miss Smith.

One of them is a business studies teacher, but who?

Jenai's team, just first impressions,

who do you think has got a bit of business time about them?

OK, I think number four, but I won't say number four because

it kind of looks a bit obvious that she would be a teacher, but

I'm going to go with number three because she looks pretty standard.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah?

-OK. Cody's team, first impressions. That's all I want!

-Well, number one's got a kind of teacher jumper on.

-Yeah.

And, like, number two's got teacher trousers.

So you combine one and two, you've got the perfect teacher.

What is the difference between number one

and number two's trousers?

Well... I mean...

I imagine they both showed up today and went, "You said you'd...

"I said I was wearing the beige cords!"

I think the difference is about ten minutes in an iron.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jenai's team.

I'll let you go first, Charlie, you seem to be chomping on the bit.

-What questions have you got?

-Number three.

What's the first rule of business?

-Oh, no...

-Oh, she's forgotten!

Profit and loss.

Profit and loss. Number one? The first rule of business?

First rule of business is seeing an opportunity and going for it.

-Oh.

-Scariest voice I've ever heard in my life.

Ruthless, yeah.

-Number four?

-There are no friends in business.

There are no friends in business - like me, I must be in business.

-It's OK, Charlie.

-Thank you, Jenai.

And number two...?

LAUGHTER And...

And number two?

ABC. Always be closing.

-Oh.

-So it's like Glengarry Glen Ross?

Excuse me, mate, can I buy a jumper? No, we're closed!

LAUGHTER

Cody's team.

Have you got any questions for the teacher?

-So, setting the scene, it's Friday...morning.

-Oh, morning.

What class are you teaching and what are you teaching them?

OK, you can go for numbers, Inel.

And that is for number four.

It's S3 and it's economics.

-Oh, quick!

-Quick flash.

Number three?

-Eh...

-LAUGHTER

S4 and business management.

Say that again?

S4, business management.

OK. Number one?

I work four days a week, I take Fridays off.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And finally, number two? Friday mornings, what you teaching?

It's non-class c...class contact.

Noncontact days, I used to love them. Yes, Cody?

Who are your favourite pupils, and why?

Oh, great question! Do you want to do numbers?

Yes. Number three.

I've got a wee girl in my class, year four, Jodie,

and she's very, very smart.

Smart, good. Number one.

-My favourite pupil is Mhairi.

-Yeah.

Number four?

It's a girl called Nicky, and she's very responsible,

and she basically runs the class for me.

Ooh!

And finally, number two?

I don't have any favourites.

-Oh, no favourites.

-He doesn't have any!

-They're all a pain.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

OK. This is much about the audience as it's about us, so, audience,

out of our teachers here, who do you think's the real deal?

Please vote now. Go!

AUDIENCE YELLS NUMBERS OUT

OK, OK, OK.

Lots of twos, lots of fours, one kid went one, bless you.

LAUGHTER

But it is decision time, so, Jenai, we're about to find out who's lying

and who is about to get pied, so, Jenai, it is time to pie the supply!

Pie the supply!

Up you get.

Nice and gently, Jenai.

Select your victim, pie them in the face.

-We all think it's different people, by the way.

-Oh, do you?

-Yeah.

-Nice and gentle.

-Gently, gently.

Ooh!

Place it in the face, who could it be?

O-o-oh!

Come on!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

You pied the woman that didn't know

the first rule of business management.

LAUGHTER

Don't forget, if you both get it wrong, there will be consequences!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

OK, Cody, it's time for you to pie the supply!

Pie the supply!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Come on, Cody, here we go.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Pass the towels, pass the towels.

We always go for the lady that's got the most fringe.

LAUGHTER

Sorry about that.

-I'm so sorry!

-I don't think you are.

Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

-No!

-No!

APPLAUSE

Oh, no, I'm going to get pied in the face. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable.

Again, again!

Because both teams failed to pie the supply,

it's time to face the penalty.

Our supply teacher now has the chance to pie a team captain.

It's time for the Teacher's Revenge!

Both captains' faces are on this amazing prop

that I like to call the Ring of Revenge.

Oh, my face is on there!

So let's spin and see who's getting a pie-ing.

Will it be Cody? Will it be Jenai?

Let's find out.

Please, please...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

It's Jenai!

APPLAUSE

Jenai, come down the front.

Oh, dear.

Gently, Mr Duncan.

There was... There was purpose in that walk.

Three, two, one, go!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Quite nice!

And that's the Teacher's Revenge!

APPLAUSE

Time now for the School Run.

The School Run!

In this relay race, our teams

will have to drop these little, cute buttons off at school.

Mr Smash, pass me the children.

LAUGHTER

Smash, give me the dolls.

Smash, give me the kids!

He's odd.

OK, the first team to drop everyone off at school

and make it home first are the winners.

-Are you both ready? ALL:

-Yes!

OK, your time starts in three, two, one, go!

HORN BLOWS

AUDIENCE YELLS ENCOURAGEMENT

-Oh, no.

-Woohoo!

Ah!

-CHANTING:

-Charlie, Charlie, Charlie!

Go and help Charlie!

Go and help Charlie, go and help Charlie.

Next up, next up, next up!

Go on, go on, go on!

CHEERING

Come on, come on, come on!

Go, go, go!

Watch your head, watch your head! Go on, go on, you ready?

Go, go, go, go, go.

Go!

Just run with it! Go!

Ah!

Ah!

Go on, go on...

Press the button now.

Keep pushing, keep pushing.

I can't go!

Push the button!

Get up, get up! Get up!

Get up!

CHEERING

Push, push!

Come on! Come on!

Go, go, go! Move! Go, quick, quick, quick!

YES!

Which means the gold star goes to Jenai's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, and that's us all comedied out.

All we need to do now is add up the stars.

-Ooooooh! AUDIENCE:

-Ooooooh!

And the winner is...

Jenai's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Jenai!

You are the winning team today. Congratulations, you lot.

Guys, as for Cody's team, not only does the dog eat your homework,

but you get detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La la la la la la

-Losers!

-# La la la la la la

-Losers!

-# La la la la la la

-Losers!

-# La la la la la la

-Losers!

-# La la la la la la

-Losers!

# Losers! #

So that's your lot.

As ever, we didn't learn much, but it was sure fun trying.

See you next time on...

-ALL:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

AUDIENCE CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE