Rohan v Cainwen The Dog Ate My Homework

MR SMASH GRUNTS AND GROANS

LAUGHTER

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Guten tag.

I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

the show where dreams come true.

Though, last night, I had a nightmare that I was in a spaceship

being chased by a giant gorilla popping balloons.

That probably might not happen. But I'm not even scared of gorillas.

I'm actually scared of balloons.

POPPING

LAUGHTER

Let's take the register.

On my right, a boy who, in maths class,

tried to work out how many loo rolls it would take to reach the moon.

I'd probably get through most of them during takeoff.

-PARP It's Rohan, everybody.

-Here, sir.

And on Rohan's team,

a performer who's been described as a comedy volcano -

hot, unpredictable and gives off a rather unpleasant gas.

-It's Matthew Crosby.

-Here, sir.

Also on Rohan's team, a comedian, actor, singer, impressionist.

She's probably a classically trained musician too. But can she do this?

LAUGHTER

-Didn't think so. It's Jess Robinson.

-Here, sir.

Oh, she can.

She can do it. She can do it.

On my left, a girl who persuaded her teacher

to keep a pet shark in the swimming pool.

The other pupils weren't happy about it

but they can all swim much faster now.

-It's Cainwen, everyone.

-Here, sir.

And on Cainwen's team, a fashion vlogger on a search for style,

class, elegance and grace.

Saima, look no further.

-LAUGHTER It's Saima Chowdhury.

-Here, sir.

Also on Cainwen's team, a presenter who has watched every CBBC show,

which means she watches me more times than anybody else.

No wonder she's always got a smile on that face.

-It's Lauren Layfield.

-Here, sir.

Can we please applaud both teams?

APPLAUSE

As usual, the teams are here to talk flimflam,

maybe get flan-faced and generally mess about,

but there's also the very serious business

of winning my lovely and jaggy golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Along the way, I'll be awarding bonus stars

to anyone who can make me go...

POP

# Don't you worry, don't you worry, child

# See heaven's got a plan for you

# Don't you worry, don't you worry now... #

Oh, my goodness.

Be warned, any party poopers,

and I'll shoo those stars straight back in their box.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh...

Don't "Oh", because it's in school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules.

Thank you. The team with the most stars

at the end of the show are our winners,

while the losers face detention with a man

tougher than a flip-flop sandwich.

It's Mr Smash.

MR SMASH ROARS

MR SMASH LAUGHS

MR SMASH LAUGHS

MR SMASH LAUGHS

A-ha-ha!

MR SMASH LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

MR SMASH YELLS

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the stupidest of them all?

That guy.

Let's get on with the show!

Time now for Judge A Book.

Judge A Book!

Look at you! Your writing's too small. There's no pictures.

You're a hardback. No-one likes hardbacks.

You should have been written by me.

Sorry, but I'm just judging this book.

Yeah!

-It's the worst thing I've ever read.

-Oi!

It just says over and over again, "Watch how Iain Stirling does it."

Oh!

Burn!

Anyway, our teams will see some real-life books

with parts of the title missing.

All you guys have to do is guess what the book is actually called.

So, stand by to buzz in. Your first book is this one.

-VOICEOVER:

-School disco!

-School disco!

# Live my day as if there was no past

# Doin' it all night, all summer

# Doin' it the way I want to

# Yeah, I'm-a dance my heart out till the dawn

# But I won't be done when morning comes

# Doin' it all night, all summer

# Gonna spend it like no other

# Now I've found another crush

# The lush life's given me a rush

# Had one chance to make me blush

# Second time is one too late

# Now I've... #

As I said, your first book is this one.

All My "Blank" Are "Blank.

-Rohan.

-Yes.

Is it All Of My Scarves Are Massive?

LAUGHTER

It's good. He'd have quite the turtleneck.

-He really would.

-Any more?

-Cainwen.

-Cainwen?

All My Friends Are Leaving?

Ooh! Is "Friends" correct?

-All My Friends Are what?

-Rohan.

-All My Friends Are Gone.

-Gone?

It's very close. It's a kids show. Let's get darker.

-Rohan.

-Jess.

-All My Friends Are Farting.

No! Cainwen.

All My Friends Are Dead, cos it's a dinosaur?

All My Friends Are Dead?

That's obviously the correct answer!

APPLAUSE

A lovely children's book there

called All My Friends Are Dead. Moving on.

Next book. Here it is.

It's a classic grandmother book.

You'd find that in your granny's loo.

Buzz in with some possible answers.

-Cainwen.

-Cainwen.

Flower Arranging With A Leprechaun?

Are they particularly good at flower arranging?

-I think so, cos they like rainbows and things.

-Good point.

You've absolutely smashed it.

You are the cutest person that's ever been on this show.

Leprechauns and rainbows. Rohan's team.

-I think she was on the right lines.

-You were on the right lines.

I think Flower Arranging With A Platypus instead.

Oh, yeah, leprechaun was stupid.

OK, this is hard, this is hard,

so I'm going to give you the first word.

-It is Flower Drying with a what?

-Cainwen.

What would people dry?

-Hairdryer.

-No. Think more outside the box,

or IN the box, if you know what I'm saying.

-Good one, good one.

-Cainwen.

-Yes?

-It was the one we discussed.

Flower Drying With A Microwave cos you can dry things in microwaves.

I think. I don't know.

-A microwave?

-Yeah!

Is correct!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good!

OK, next book. Here it is here.

-Rohan.

-Yes?

-We Found A Tiny Cowboy.

-No!

-No.

-Rohan.

-Yeah.

-Is it We Found...

# A love in a tortoise place

# We found a love in a tortoise place

# We found love in a tortoise place

# We found love in a tortoise place

# Da, da, da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da, da, da... #

-Rohan.

-Rohan's on a run.

-Rohan.

We Found A Hat.

Is correct!

-It was kind of obvious.

-BELL RINGS

That was a bell and, at the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

..Cainwen's team!

APPLAUSE

Never mind the invention of the wheel,

man's first flight or even walking on the moon -

if that even actually happened.

This is the crowning achievement of humankind.

It is Pie The Supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie The Supply.

We're about to meet four people

all claiming to be real English teachers.

But only one is telling the truth,

which isn't just scandalous,

it's flan-gelous.

WIND BLOWS

Anyone?

No, OK. All our teams have to do is pick and then pie the real teacher.

But if both teams fail, then there will be consequences.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yeah, we all love consequences. So, let's meet our teachers.

We have Mr Rowan...

..Miss Hardy,

Mr Morrison

and Mrs Miller.

OK, so, Rohan's team, first impressions?

Number one looks like my big brother.

LAUGHTER

Or the gamekeeper at Hogwarts.

-Hagrid?

-Yeah.

-He is a bit Hagridy, actually.

-Yeah, I love him.

That's what Hagrid looks like once he gets the headteacher position.

-He's not buying it.

-He doesn't move!

That's a hell of a poker face he's got.

Oh, don't! Argh!

-Oh, I'm scared!

-Go and stand next to him.

LAUGHTER

Bonus gold star for Matthew and number one. They both get one.

Cainwen's team. First impressions, that's all I want.

-Mr Morrison sounds like a shop.

-Yeah!

You're not a human being, mate, you're a shop.

Who's your wife? Mrs Sainsbury's?

Number two looks like the teacher that's just graduated,

the cool teacher.

Hey, kids, put the books down. Let's all go on Instagram.

LAUGHTER

Hey, guys, what even is class?

Let's, like, go outside and do a boomerang.

OK, now, let's delve deeper. Rohan's team.

I would like to ask what your favourite piece of stationery is.

-Great question.

-Let's start with number three.

Favourite piece of stationery?

-A punch.

-A punch. Number one?

-A ruler, for pointing and getting attention.

-Ooh!

-Number two?

-A folder, so you can keep everything neat and tidy.

-And number four?

-A pencil for colouring in.

-Colouring in? That's not English.

-She's an art teacher!

She's a primary school teacher!

We've cut her out.

-I think we can immediately disclude number four.

-OK.

We'll go over to this side of the room.

-Any questions for the teachers?

-OK.

Lauren, off you go, off you pop.

What would you do if I was in your class

and started ripping out a page of a book?

-Ooh, tell me off, why don't you?

-Lauren, go down the front.

-Yeah.

Act out ripping a book

and we'll go through everyone getting you to stop doing it.

-Oh, look at the swagger.

-She's doing acting.

-I know, I can act.

-OK, number four. Get her to stop.

Ooh, you're going to the headteacher.

Not massively convincing. Number two?

What you going to do, number two?

That's it, Lauren! Give me that book right now!

LAUGHTER

-You're getting detention.

-Number three?

Lauren, not only have you ripped your book,

but you appear to have ripped your trousers.

-Now, get to the headmaster!

-LAUGHTER

Boom!

Whoa!

Bonus gold star for number three.

They're the worst teachers that outbanter you.

And finally, keep ripping the book. Number one.

Lauren, you have no respect for yourself. Leave the class now!

Oh, no respect for yourself!

Lauren's gone, she's gone.

I will come back and play though.

OK, audience, you've heard the questions,

you've heard our first impressions,

but who do you think is the real teacher?

Please vote now. In one, two, three. Vote away.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

Decision time right now. Who's lied and is about to get pied?

OK, Rohan, it's time to pie the supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply!

-It's good.

-Place it.

-It's definitely good.

-OK, place it.

Oh, oh...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Pop it down, pop it down.

-Deliciously good.

Cainwen, it is now time for you to pie the supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply!

OK, Cainwen, nice and gently.

That cream has not been kept at room temperature.

It's on you, it's on you.

Number one, you might want to take your glasses off.

And you might need a step ladder.

Oh!

LAUGHTER Number two.

-Poor number two.

-I feel so bad.

-Sit down.

OK, would the real supply teacher please step forward.

CHEERING

Well done. Because you got the correct teacher,

the gold star goes to Rohan's team.

APPLAUSE

Time now for some High School Dropout.

-VOICEOVER:

-High School Dropout!

Two of our guests are about to quake

in their Z-list celebrity boots

on this, The Dog Ate My Homework drop zones.

Whilst atop their bins, the chosen victims - sorry guests -

have to answer some fiendish general knowledge questions.

The first to get three wrong will then be dropped into a bin

full of the old Dumping Ground cast.

So that's what happened to them.

Rohan, you're up first. Please pick your victim - I mean, nominee.

-Sorry, Jess.

-Oh!

-Jess. OK, it's Jess.

-Cainwen?

-Er, Lauren.

-Oh, I'm not good with heights!

So, it's Lauren against Jess.

It's time to take your positions on your drop zones.

APPLAUSE

OK, guys. Remember, the first person

to get three answers wrong is getting dumped.

Not by text, by button.

-No!

-JESS LAUGHS

Here we go. Rohan, your team can go first.

Anyone got any ideas?

-Feathers are kind of weird, aren't they? They're tickly.

-Yeah.

They come on chickens and chickens are scary.

So, I think... Mud - no-one's scared of mud.

-I love mud.

-Everyone loves mud.

My dog rolls about in mud and sometimes something worse.

-You're team captain.

-OK, feathers.

-Feathers.

-You went with feathers.

The answer is...

Feathers. Correct!

Well done, mate.

You stay at green, Jess. Over to Lauren Lay-in-a-field.

OK, Lauren, very easy, this question.

I mean, who's got time to be doing this?

No-one's got time.

That's why you've got to do it fast, if you know what I'm saying.

OK, I feel like 9 seconds. 7 is just, no.

No, look. One, two, three, four...

My own team is, like, in disagreement.

-This doesn't bode well, guys.

-I'm going to go to Lauren.

7.8, or 9.8, Lauren? I'm going to push you for an answer now.

I'm going to go for the 7.

-No!

-Saima said 9.8.

-She said 7 was ridiculous. What did you say?

-Nothing.

-She said nothing.

-Nothing - great, good.

-You went with 7.8.

-Oh, no.

You should have listened to Saima. It's 9.8.

-You go amber, Lauren.

-She's on orange.

-Oh, no!

It compliments your jumper

but it does mean you're closer to the dreaded drop. Over to you, Jess.

-I'm going to say Crystal Palace.

-You think Crystal Palace.

-I live in Crystal Palace.

-Crystal Palace?

-Let's go with Crystal Palace because that's my home team.

-OK, yeah.

-Crystal Palace.

-Let's do it.

The answer is B, Stoke city.

-Oh, no!

-No!

-You go to amber, Jess.

-I don't like this amber.

But it makes my stars look nice.

OK, next question is,

at the time of the original construction in 1889...

-I literally don't understand what you've just said.

-That's in France.

-Why didn't I think of counting them when I was there?

-Cheers, Saima!

-I'm sorry.

-That's no good now, is it, love?

-I was seven!

-OK.

What do we think? I'm going to have to push you for an answer.

-1,700. Yeah, 1,700.

-1,710?

I don't know why I'm playing with my jumper like I'm a five-year-old.

What's going on? This is protection

-from the fall, like a parachute.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah, 1,710.

I can tell you the answer is 1,710 steps.

-You're correct.

-Yes!

Here we go. CBBC favourites Sam and Mark started their showbiz career

on the hit talent show Pop Idol in 2003.

But who finished higher?

-Good question.

-The winner was Michelle McManus.

-Yes, I remember her.

-They finished second and third, respectively.

Did they finish in order? Cos they're always called Sam and Mark.

They're never Mark and Sam.

So, by rights, they should be second place Sam, third place Mark.

I think Mark, by guess.

I'm going to go for cutie Sam. What do you think?

-OK, Cutie Sam.

-We've done it with, we've done it.

We locked that in. You said cutie Sam.

The answer is Mark.

-No!

-AUDIENCE GROAN

-He's going to hate me!

-If you're watching Mark, hiya.

-Right, Jess, you're in the red zone.

-I can see that.

OK, Lauren...

OK, I'm trying to think. I'm 24. Could I be a Prime Minister?

-I don't think so.

-No.

Don't underdo yourself, Saima. Of course you could.

-Let's just go with 26.

-OK, you went with 26.

I can tell you the answer was...

-24. Incorrect. AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yes.

-Lauren goes to the red zone.

-Yes? Who said yes?

William Pitt the Younger was 24 when he became Prime Minister in 1783.

That's just too young, that.

OK, Jess, if you get this wrong, you are binned and Lauren is victorious.

-We think it's live maggots.

-Yeah.

-What makes you think that?

Because I've eaten it and my belly's been wriggling all day.

-It's still going right now.

-Yeah.

-So, you went live maggots?

-I think so. I think I've heard of it, yeah.

-OK, the answer is...

-live maggots.

-Ooh!

-Yes!

You stay at red.

I've never been so happy to hear that.

With the cheese, you have to check to make sure

the maggots are still alive, otherwise it's unsafe to eat.

Genuinely true, that. Lauren, which of these colours does not feature...

Romanian flag. It's a country.

I thought it had both those colours in it.

Lauren, any idea? You're in red right now.

I'm in the red right now.

If you get this wrong, you're going to get dumped.

-OK, shall we go for red cos you're on red?

-Someone say it for me.

-Just do it.

-You've got to say it, Lauren.

-Red.

-So, you said red. We'll lock that in.

No, don't lock it in. It makes it too nerve-racking.

Just do it!

Argh!

-LAUGHTER

-No! No!

-OK, Lauren, Lauren...

-Yes.

I asked which colour does NOT feature.

You said red.

Now, the answer that I have, written on the card here...

-Boy, are you dragging it!

-Lauren, what is it?

LAUREN SCREAMS Lauren, what is it?

LAUGHTER

-Lauren...

-Stop it!

-The answer is...

-No!

White. You're wrong! LAUGHTER

I can't look, I can't look, I can't look, I can't look. Just do it!

Bye, Lauren. Bye.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Jess is safe, everyone.

-Yay!

-Right, guys, you've got a choice.

-The ladder's going to take about ten minutes to source.

-Don't you do it!

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to Rohan's team.

Let's end with some fun at the School Run.

-VOICEOVER:

-The School Run!

Yes, it's a relay race around the studio,

the aim being to drop my two little friends here off at school.

But they're not my only friends. I have other friends.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

-I'm so lonely.

OK, the first team to drop everyone off at school

and make it home first are the winners.

-So, teams, let's get these kids to school. Guys, ready to go?

-Yes.

Time starts in three, two, one. Go!

-Come on, come on, come on!

-Go, go, go, go, go!

Let's go.

JESS SCREAMS

It's neck and neck. THEY BOTH SCREAM

Lauren's spun! Lauren's spun!

-Get ready, guys. Get ready.

-Get ready, I'm coming for you.

JESS SCREAMS

Go, go, go, go! Change, change, change, change!

Go, go, go, go!

Get in, get in, get in!

He's off. Go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, we've got a crash. ROHAN SHRIEKS

MR SMASH YELLS

It's rapid with a kid on it.

Here he comes, here he comes.

CHEERING

Go, go, go, go!

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! Hurry!

Hurry! Go, go, go, go!

-Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

-Argh!

MR SMASH YELLS

Lauren's off.

Lauren's off.

No!

It's a health and safety nightmare.

SHOUTING AND CHEERING DROWN OUT SPEECH

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Rohan's team!

APPLAUSE

And that's just about it. All we need to do now is add up the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

And today's winners are...

..Rohan's team!

APPLAUSE

As for Cainwen's team, not only did the dog eat your homework

but you have to face detention with Mr Smash.

It's time for you guys to do the walk of shame.

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

# Losers! #

So, that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much, but do you know what?

It was fun trying. See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

See ya.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH