Joseph v Aqos The Dog Ate My Homework

MR SMASH LAUGHS

MR SMASH GROANS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.

All aboard my comedy rocket and we'll blast off amongst the stars.

PARP Oh, they do hate it when I do that.

It absolutely stinks!

A little fart joke there, just to kick things off.

Let's take the register.

On my right, a boy whose biology class project is to make

a human arm from papier-mache.

He's almost there, but someone should give him a hand.

-It's Joseph.

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

And on Joseph's team, a presenter on Taking The Next Step

who's hoping his next step today won't be detention with Mr Smash.

-It's Sam Nixon!

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

Also on Joseph's team,

a comedian originally from Japan, the Land of the Rising Sun.

I'm from Scotland, the land of absolutely no sun.

-It's the wonderful Yuriko Kotani, everybody.

-Here, sir.

And to my left, is a girl who once started a Mexican wave in assembly.

The teachers were up in arms.

-It's Aqos, everybody.

-Yes, sir.

And on Aqos's team, a presenter who... Wait a second.

..a presenter who gets so much fan mail.

Look at that! Oh, no, wait.

That Sam's, it's for Sam.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah...

-Mark, yours is just here.

-What?!

LAUGHTER

I'll take that, I'll take that.

-From Sam & Mark, it's Mark Rhodes, everyone.

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

Last but not least, we have a comedian and a very talented singer

which means, along with Sam & Mark, on the show today,

we have a talented singer.

-It's Charlie Baker.

-Here, sir.

Please, round of applause for today's teams.

APPLAUSE

As usual, our teams are here and hungry -

hungry to win these, my delicious gold stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I say delicious - I've never actually tried one.

I wonder what they taste like. Let's have a...

Oh, lemony!

Whoa, pineappley!

Ooh, jaggy.

BURP

LAUGHTER

BURP

LAUGHTER

BURP

BURP

I'm never going to do that ever again.

I'll award bonus stars for anyone who's extra quippy

but, be warned - if you're extra lippy,

I can shoo those gold stars away.

Get away, get away. Shoo, shoo.

Get out my house, get out my house. You've not paid rent.

OK, you can moan, you can groan, but please do not phone,

because it's in school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man so scary

he's why the Loch Ness Monster stays hidden.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah...

It's Mr Smash.

MR SMASH LAUGHS

SNAKE CHARMER FLUTE PLAYS

MR SMASH GRUNTS AND LAUGHS

SNAKE CHARMER FLUTE PLAYS

HE SNEEZES

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mr Smash is a real charmer! So, guys, let's get on with the show!

APPLAUSE

General knowledge now and Watch Your Mouth.

-VOICEOVER:

-Watch Your Mouth!

Yes, our teams have to try and talk properly

whilst they have one of these in their pie holes.

It is a Mr Smash growl-maker.

So, teams, please insert your growl-makers.

There you go. Lovely stuff.

You got yours in, Charlie?

-CHARLIE MUMBLES:

-Not everyone can pull it off.

-Sorry, what?

-Not everyone...

LAUGHTER

I said not everyone can pull the look off but I think I've got it.

Let's have a look.

OK, there's only one rule - try not to drool. Fingers on buzzers.

Your first question is, complete the lyrics from this hit Adele song.

"Hello from the other side, I must have..."

-VOICEOVER:

-Joseph.

-Called 1,000 times.

You look like me but young.

LAUGHTER

Fingers on buzzers. Which type of cheese

traditionally made from buffalo milk is often used...?

-Aqos.

-Aqos?

Cheddar?

-Joseph.

-I'll hand it over.

-Mozzarella.

-LAUGHTER

-Mozzarella.

-There you go.

OK, and for a bonus, we want three other types of cheese. One each.

-'Rie.

-LAUGHTER

You don't do Bs.

-'Rie.

-LAUGHTER

For the point, you need the B.

Red Leicester.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, next one. Joseph?

-Stinky.

-Stinky, well done. Great. And Yuriko?

-'Lue cheese.

-One more time?

-'Lue...

-LAUGHTER

Cheddar.

Do you know what, I'll give it you, I'll give it you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fingers on your buzzers.

What name is given to the chewy gum-like substance

that you can blow into bubbles?

-Joseph.

-There you go, Joseph.

-Uggle gum.

-LAUGHTER

I need that B off you.

-Uggle gum.

-Uggle gum.

OK, I'll give you that. And for a bonus point...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, no! No!

-Can you blow me a bubble?

He's going to do it.

LAUGHTER

I've got a piece that's not been on the floor.

-I'll leave it with you.

-Come back to me.

-Yeah, OK.

OK, next question.

In which country would you find the bonny, bonny banks of Loch Lomond?

-Aqos.

-Aqos's team.

-Scotland.

-Scotland.

Scotland, yes.

For a bonus point, for all three of you, we'll start with Mark,

can I please hear your best Scottish accent?

-HE MUMBLES IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Hey, there, I'm from Scotland.

-LAUGHTER

-And I wear a kilt.

-Lovely stuff.

-Was that good?

-Yeah, that's good.

Aqos, Scottish accent.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Hey, there, I'm from Scotland.

Do you know what? That's exactly what we say!

And finally, Captain Offensive, Charlie Baker.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Ha! Hello there.

LAUGHTER

Have you had your tea? Have you had your tea?

Have you had your tea?

You can have that. Sam, how's the bubble going?

Come on, Sam!

CHEERING

That's a bonus gold star as well. Well done.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Fingers on buzzers.

-In computing, what does "WWW" stand for?

-Joseph.

-Joseph's team.

World...wide...web.

World...wide...web.

Final one, final one, final one.

What is the largest body of water on the planet?

-Joseph.

-Joseph's team.

-Pacific.

-Is correct.

BELL RINGS

OK, at the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

..Joseph's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Time now for Lunchbox Of Lies.

-VOICEOVER:

-Lunchbox Of Lies!

In a moment, I'll ask each member of a team to describe

the weird and wonderful contents of their lunchbox.

However, one lunchbox is completely empty,

meaning that one of the teams is telling a big juicy whopper.

Other forms of deception are available.

All the teams have to do is guess who's fibbing

about what's in their box. So, we'll start with Joseph's team.

Sam, you're up first.

Please open your box and tell us the contents that are there within.

In my lunchbox,

I have some popcorn,

which I like to enjoy whilst watching Iain Stirling's live DVD,

which is called U OK Hun?

Joseph, please tell us what's in your lunchbox.

Ooh, OK. So, believe it or not, there's a snake wearing red lips

and, ooh, false eyelashes.

And I think he's on a bed of jelly snakes.

-That's crazy!

-No way, no way.

And finally, Yuriko, what's in your lunchbox?

OK, I have an old gym shoe full of marshmallows

and Brussels sprouts.

OK, let's get more specific.

Mark, do you want to ask Sam about what's in his wonderful lunchbox?

-What kind of popcorn is it?

-Er...

-Sweet and salty.

-Sweet and salty?

-Yeah, I like the salty and sweet.

-Do you?

And what's the name of Iain's DVD again?

It is called U OK Hun?

-Without looking as well.

-U OK Hun?

OK, moving on to Joseph.

Have you got any questions for Joseph?

What flavour jelly snakes?

Um, there's strawberry and a little bit of lime and some orange.

-Could I have a lime one?

-And there's a new one which is lemon.

Oh, a new lemon one, is there? Is there one in there, is there?

-Um, lemon, yes.

-A lemon jelly snake.

Yuriko. Anyone got any questions for Yuriko?

-Yuriko...

-An old gym shoe, I believe.

An old gym shoe.

Yes.

Is it just one shoe?

Yes, just one.

And are the marshmallows within the shoe or in the surrounding area?

Within the shoe.

-I think...

-What are you thinking?

Aqos, who do you think is the least trustworthy?

-Joseph or Sam.

-Joseph or Sam. Who are you going to go with?

Team captain, you make the choice.

-Go Sam.

-Sam.

-Sam? OK, we've gone with Sam.

Show us what you have in your box.

Inside my box, I have...

..some popcorn and Iain Stirling's DVD, U OK Hun?

-No!

-OK, so let's find out who's lying.

OK, will you both turn your boxes around?

Let's see who's lying. On the count of three. One, two, three, spin.

It was Yuriko who was lying.

You thought it was me.

-She made it up.

-Good liar.

OK, well done, guys. Great lie. Let's go over to Aqos's team.

Guys, I want you to reveal what is inside your lunchbox.

Mark Rhodes, you're up first. Tell us what's inside your lunchbox.

Sam & Mark's debut single...

-LAUGHTER

-Don't laugh, it was great!

..inside a bowl of jelly.

Lovely stuff. Aqos, please tell us what's in your lunchbox.

In my lunchbox,

I have custard and ketchup

and I have a Barbie doll sitting in a hot dog.

There you go. And finally, Charlie Baker, what is in your lunchbox?

In my lunchbox is a Doctor Who mug

and it's filled with bangers and mash.

Ooh, sausages in a cup - my favourite!

OK, let's ask some questions. Let's go Mark first.

Sam, you know Mark well.

What was it encased in again, our debut single?

It was a bowl of jelly.

-What colour jelly is it?

-It's yellow.

What flavour then, would you say that is?

Yellow.

OK, Aqos.

Have you got any questions for Aqos about what's in her box?

-Where is the Barbie doll?

-Where is it?

It's in the side of the lunchbox.

I thought you said it was a hot dog earlier.

It's a Barbie doll in a hot dog.

Is the doll wearing a hot dog?

No, the doll is wearing a purple dress with gold shoes.

Finally, Charlie Baker. Look, he's a sneaky-looking man.

But is he being sneaky about his lunchbox?

One kid just went, "Yes." Ask away. You can ask him what's in it.

How many bangers are in there?

There's three bangers.

That is the minimum amount of bangers required for bangers...

People who give you two bangers in bangers and mash,

that is like a starter.

OK, guys, who do you think is telling the truth

and who do think's got a lunchbox full of lies?

I think it's Charlie, but you don't agree, do you?

-Who do you think, Joseph?

-I think it's Mark.

-And, Yuriko, who do you think?

-I think Mark as well.

-Do you want to go with the majority?

-I'm outnumbered.

-Do you think Mark?

-Yeah.

Please reveal what is in your lunchbox.

It's the brilliant Sam & Mark's debut single inside a bowl of jelly.

APPLAUSE

Let's see if you were right, Sam.

Will Aqos and Charlie please reveal

which one of you has a lunchbox of lies?

-The lunchbox of lies!

-Oh, it's Charlie Baker!

APPLAUSE

And, at the end of that round, nobody got a gold star.

Time now for Pie The Supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie The Supply!

We're about to meet four people, all claiming to be real teachers,

but only one is telling the truth.

Our teams have to decide who's not dreaming then give them a creaming.

And, if both teams fail to identify the real teacher,

then there will be consequences.

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

"Ooh" indeed.

And today's teachers are all deputy heads.

-Ooh!

-Let's meet them.

We have got Ms Tierney,

Mr Miller,

Mr Robert Roacher

and Miss Penfolds.

OK, guys, we'll start with Joseph, Yuriko, Sam.

Who looks headteachery, nearly?

Number three is a dreamboat. I mean, wow!

Look, look! It's the evolution of me.

Come here.

-AQOS:

-Oh, my gosh, yeah, it is!

YURIKO LAUGHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Very good.

-OK, so, first impressions.

-That's all I want, first impressions.

-First impressions...

-What are you thinking?

-Aqos, what do you think?

I'm thinking number four looks like a professional teacher.

-Four looks like she's had 14 weeks off a year.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Right, OK, let's go over to Joseph's team. You can now delve deeper.

Have you got any questions for our teachers? They're deputy heads.

We don't know anything else about them. Let's find out.

Can I ask, please, if we go down the line of everyone,

starting with number one,

if you're deputy head at your school, who is the headmaster?

-Who is the headmaster?

-Yeah, who is the headteacher at your school?

-You're wanting a name?

-Yes, please.

-Mr Flynn.

-Mr Flynn.

-She said that with the anger of a deputy head.

She wants that job. She took her time though.

-It was a little bit like, "What's the name of the headmaster?"

-What?

"Are you wanting the name?"

LAUGHTER

Number two?

-Mr Sheridan.

-Mr Sheridan. Three?

-Mr Johnson.

-Mr Johnson. Number four?

Mrs Montgomery.

Oh!

Yuriko, have you got any questions?

-Where do you see yourself in five years' time?

-Yes, here we go!

OK. We'll go random.

-Number three?

-A teacher, of course.

-OK, number two.

-Not teaching.

Yes! Number four?

On a beach in the Bahamas, retired.

Oh! Number one?

Number one, taking over Mr Flynn's job, for sure!

Oh! Here we go. Here we go, guys.

-Have you got any questions?

-Number two, what do you teach?

-I know you're deputy head but what do you teach?

-PE.

PE, of course. Look at those shoulders!

-SAM:

-Hang on, wait a minute. Dressed like that? No way!

Where's your tracksuit, man?

Sam, he's got a snooker table booked.

LAUGHTER

Bonus gold star, thank you.

-Very good. Number one, what do you teach?

-Geography.

-Geography.

-And what schools do you guys work at?

Great question, Aqos.

-St Mary's primary in Edinburgh.

-Oh, posh.

-Number two?

-Three is panicking. Number two.

It's a school in Edinburgh. I wouldn't like to say.

-Oh, right, yeah.

-You're not a teacher!

You're not a teacher!

Number three, what's the name of the school you teach at?

-It's quite close to here.

-Which is?

Which is?

-Oh, and finally, number one.

-Queen Margaret Academy.

OK, let's get to it.

Audience, this is as much your show as it is ours,

so please tell us, out of these teachers, who is the real deal?

On the count of three, vote for one, two, three or four.

One, two, three, vote away.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

OK, OK, OK, OK.

A lot of fours and a surprisingly high amount of twos.

In that one person thought it was two.

OK, Joseph, it's time to pie the supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply!

-Oh...

-Gently, gently, Joseph.

Come on, Joseph, make the right choice.

-Come on.

-Gently make the right choice.

Oh...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Put it down, put it down, Joseph.

You picked the one with the fringe.

Aqos, it's your turn to pie the supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply!

-Go on, Aqos!

Really go for it gently. Really go for it gently.

I think it might not...

-She went rogue!

-She went rogue!

-She went rogue!

-We thought it was four as well.

-Did you change your mind last minute?

-She changed her mind. We thought it was four.

-Was it the right decision?

Would the real teacher please step forward?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

IAIN AND TEAM MEMBERS SHOUT

I can't believe that! No!

OK, because both teams failed to pie the supply,

it's time to face the penalty.

Our teacher now has a chance to pie one of our team captains.

It's time for the teacher's revenge.

-VOICEOVER:

-Teacher's revenge!

Both captains' faces are on this amazing prop

I like to call the Ring of Revenge.

Aqos, Joseph, let's see which one of you is getting a pie-ing.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Please make your way to the front.

-Good luck, Aqos.

-Our teacher, please step forward.

-Don't take it, Aqos.

-I'm sorry.

-JOSEPH:

-Aqos, I'm really sorry now.

If it's a penalty and he's British, he'll probably miss.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come down here, Aqos.

Oh, my gosh!

Teacher got revenge and, sadly, no-one gets the gold star.

But we had a lovely time.

APPLAUSE

Time to play Spelling Bees.

-VOICEOVER:

-Spelling Bees-s-s-s-s-s!

This is a spelling game, obviously,

where two of our adult "guests" will be dressed as bees

and attached to bungee cords.

This is going to be excellent.

Team captains, you are our beekeepers

so, Joseph, who do you want flying the flag for your team?

-Sam.

-Sam. Lovely stuff.

And, Aqos, who do you want up against Sam?

I think it's going to be Mark.

-Oh!

-Yeah!

It's battle of the Sam and Marks.

It is Sam against Mark, Mark against San.

Let's get ready to rumble!

APPLAUSE

OK, guys, I will shout out words

and our two teams need to grab the letters in the correct order

to spell out those words. Simple.

The team who spell the most correct answers by the end is the winner.

Bees, beekeepers, are you ready for your first word?

-Woo!

-Let's do it.

OK, guys, your first word is "smash".

-CHARLIE:

-Go on, go on!

CHEERING

Where's the A?

-JOSEPH:

-Go, go, go! Come on! Get it in!

CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH

It needs to go in the net.

What's next? What do I need? What do I need?

That's it.

Stay on the yellow. You've got to stay on the yellow.

What's the order? What's the order?

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

-I haven't got an M.

-CHARLIE:

-You need that W, that W!

That W! W!

The W! Quick, quick!

-SAM:

-"Loves"?

-"Loves."

We've got it, we've got it! What's next?

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

BELL RINGS Stop, stop, stop.

APPLAUSE

They've both not done well.

LAUGHTER

-Sam...

-Yeah, go on.

-You got "smash"...

-Yeah.

..and we wanted "loves".

Sadly, you decided to do "gloves", Yuriko.

Charlie, what did you put up?

Put the E back, Charlie.

LAUGHTER

At the end of that round, it was very close.

Sam just nicked it in the end

which means the gold star goes to Joseph's team.

APPLAUSE

And that's just about it. All I need to do now is add up the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

And the winners are...

..Joseph's team!

CHEERING

Congratulations, you lot.

You get to wave goodbye in the most exciting way possible.

As for Aqos and the rest of your team,

not only does the dog get to eat your homework,

but you get detention with Mr Smash.

-It's time to do the walk of shame.

-Oh!

-# La, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la, la

-Losers!

# Losers! #

So, that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

See ya!

APPLAUSE