Tilly v Josh The Dog Ate My Homework

MR SMASH GROWLS

SILENCE

MR SMASH GROWLS

SILENCE

MR SMASH GROWLS

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hi, there. Thanks for joining us.

I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

where we hope to paint the whole world with laughter.

Maybe not the whole world.

We'll start with the dog's kennel and we'll take it from there.

Let's take the register.

On my right, a girl who, in science class,

is trying to build a robot TV presenter.

Thankfully, while you might be able to build artificial intelligence,

you can't build artificial handsomeness.

LAUGHTER

-It's Tilly!

-Here, sir.

And on Tilly's team,

a comedian who came into showbiz with a pocketful of dreams.

Well, I say dreams. It was a half-eaten choccy bar

and a dirty snot rag. It's George Lewis.

Here, sir.

Also on Tilly's team, an actress who took the path to glory,

the road to success,

and she ended up on a panel show with a six-foot dancing dog.

I think she might have taken a wrong turn. It's Dominique Moore.

Here, sir.

To my left, a boy who passed his dance exams

with what the teachers called a beguiling mix

of cha-cha-cha, paso doble and quickstep.

It turns out he just really needed a toilet.

-It's Josh.

-Here, sir.

Nice touch.

And on Josh's team, a comedian who, at her last gig,

had them rolling in the aisles. Actually, that was me.

I dropped a packet of gobstoppers.

-It's Lou Sanders.

-Here, sir.

Finally but not leastly, on Josh's team,

a comedian whose second name is Christmas. Yes, Christmas.

And if you think that's weird,

you should speak to my mate Derek Pancake Tuesday.

-It's Jarred Christmas.

-Good day, sir.

Can we please applaud both of the teams?

APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah, I've got my flask of warm milk

and my scarf and my gloves in case it gets cold, yeah.

No, I'll tell them if I need the toilet this time.

I'm not going to wet myself again, I promise.

OK, love you too, Mum. Bye-bye.

Oh, sorry about that.

Thankfully, our teams are in this cosy studio.

All they have to worry about is winning my precious golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

As usual, I'll award bonus stars

to anyone who knocks it out the comedy park.

But be warned, any cheek and I'll knock your stars into next week.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah...

-Aye, you can kick up a stink but you know what I think?

-It's Iain's school, so it's... AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

I'm so warm with this on.

The teams with the most stars at the end of the show are our winners,

while the losers face detention with a man so scary

even Lord Voldemort refuses to say his name.

Although, apparently, he's a big fan of Pie The Supply.

It's Mr Smash.

AUDIENCE BOOS

SHUTTER CLICKS

MR SMASH CHUCKLES

MR SMASH GROWLS

SHUTTER CLICKS

DRILLING

MR SMASH GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You fell over! You fell over!

Anyway, guys, let's get on with the show!

APPLAUSE

Time to go judgmental with Judge A Book.

-VOICEOVER:

-Judge A Book!

We'll show our teams a real-life book that was published

in the real-life actual world - whatever that means -

with some of the title missing.

All you guys and girls have got to do is guess

what the book is actually called.

So, this is the first book. Have a look at it.

Here it is. All you have to tell me is what is the title of that book?

Buzz in if you think you've got an idea.

-VOICEOVER:

-Josh.

-Josh's team.

50 Broken Couches.

It's a good call.

Oh, we're in the right ballpark, but it's not what I'm after.

-VOICEOVER:

-Tilly.

-Yes, Tilly's team.

50 Affordable Homes.

-VOICEOVER:

-Josh.

-Yes, Josh.

50 Ways To Ruin Your Parents' Chair.

Chair? Let's have a look.

"Chairs" is there.

-So, it's 50 something Chairs. VOICEOVER:

-Tilly.

-Tilly?

50 Rubbish Chairs.

-No, we're getting near. VOICEOVER:

-Josh.

Josh's team?

50 Sad Chairs.

50 Sad Chairs is correct!

APPLAUSE

Jarred, because you got that right, for a bonus gold star,

you have 40 seconds to find your twin in the audience.

One, two, three, go.

-At the front, at the front.

-He's there!

-There, there.

-Right next to the blonde lady.

-I can see him straight away.

Stand up. Bring him down the front.

APPLAUSE

Come back. You've got a bonus gold star, mate.

Next book, please!

Blank + Blank.

-VOICEOVER:

-Josh.

-Josh?

-Boy + Robot.

-Classic.

-Ooh!

This could be a quick round because "Boy" is right.

-VOICEOVER:

-Tilly.

-OK, George?

Ah, I was going to say Pride And Prejudice.

LAUGHTER

-VOICEOVER:

-Josh.

-Josh?

Boy + His Weird Fridge.

LAUGHTER

-I wish it was, but it ain't. VOICEOVER:

-Tilly.

-Tilly?

-Boy + Machine?

-Oh, we're very... Think similar.

-Mirror of the word "boy". VOICEOVER:

-Josh.

-Yes?

Boy + His Rubbish C-3PO.

-No. VOICEOVER:

-Tilly.

-Tilly's team?

-Boy + Invention?

-Sort of. Get it right down. B... VOICEOVER:

-Josh.

-Boy + Rob.

-No.

-VOICEOVER: Tilly. JOSH:

-Boy + Toy.

-Boy + Toy.

-Plus Bot.

Boy + Bot is correct!

APPLAUSE

-VOICEOVER:

-School Disco!

School Disco!

# Everything is changing

# And I've been here for too long

# Going through the same things

# I've been hurting too long Got to move on

# Say I, I can't do this any more

# If everything is changing

# And I know, yeah, you gotta let go

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... #

BELL RINGS

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

It's a draw. They both get gold stars!

APPLAUSE

Fear not, we hadn't forgotten about it.

It's now time for Pie The Supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie The Supply!

We're about to meet four cheeky monkeys,

all claiming to be real PE teachers.

All our teams have to do is spot the actual cheeky teacher

and if both teams fail to pie the real one,

-then there will be consequences. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

So, you have been warn-ed. So, let's meet our teachers.

We have Mr Milne,

Mr Cassy,

Ms McGee,

Mr Ray.

Tilly's team, first from you, all I need, first impressions.

-I think it's interesting if you think about their names.

-Yeah, OK.

Some of them are really short, like Mr Milne,

-Mr...

-Ray.

-Ray. Mr Gee.

Mr Ray sounds like he's a mystery.

LAUGHTER

Hi, class, I'm Mr Ray. Will I be teaching PE? Who knows?

Right, Josh's team.

Number three has gone for the superhero look,

as in underpants on the outside.

LAUGHTER

They are PE teachers.

You've got your first impressions, but we need some questions.

We think it might be number two. I reckon, if we ask him...

Do you know the capital of Iceland?

-Yeah, the capital of Iceland, please, number two.

-Reykjavik.

-A PE teacher wouldn't know that.

-Dominique, anything?

-I've got a question.

-Oh, good.

What's your favourite sport and can you show us?

I tell you what, don't tell us what it is.

Act it out and we'll see if we can guess.

Number three, favourite sport.

Hockey, field hockey.

-Sweeping.

-Oh, curling.

-Curling.

Curling? Welcome to Scotland!

Number four, favourite sport? Act it out.

-Oh!

-Dancing.

No, it's football, I think.

-Oh, right.

-Not dancing, but that was funny, Dominique.

Number one, favourite sport? Act it out.

-Boxing.

-Boxing, I think.

And finally, number two?

-Golf.

-Bowling?

-Cricket!

You were playing forward then, weren't you?

What he came in with was a bit of a slow ball,

wanting to get more of a googly on you,

bounce over your ball, take out the wicket.

So, as a batsman, you judge the angle coming in and think,

"I'm going to step forward and drive this straight to the bowler

"who won't be expecting that

"and, hopefully, I can get a four on the long run there."

-What HE said.

-LAUGHTER

That's a very teacher response.

Jarred, bonus gold star. Josh's team.

What does WA stand for in netball?

WA stand for in netball?

Women Allowed.

OK, four, go. WA in netball? PE teacher, you'll know this.

-Women Allowed?

-No!

-Number three?

-Wild Angles?

-Number two?

-Wing Attack.

OK! And number one?

Wing Attack.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Number one might as well have gone, "What the PE teacher just said."

-Any more questions? Josh.

-It's a statement.

-A statement, wow.

OK, I was always told that if you can't teach, you teach gym.

-Number two is looking daggers at you right now.

-I'm really confused.

Number two is going,

"I don't need to take this level of harassment on my day off."

That is one way to find out.

OK, let's ask the audience, who seem like intelligent people.

Who do you think is the teacher? One, two, three or four?

Please vote now.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

There was a real variety of choices there from the audience.

Tilly, it's time for you to pie the supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply!

-Up you go, Tilly.

Gently place the pie into the face

of the person you think is the teacher.

-Over we go, Tilly.

-Go, Tilly.

-Go, Tilly.

Gently, gently, catchy monkey.

-Well done!

-Good work, Tilly.

Well done, Tilly. You did it.

OK, Josh, it's time for you to pie the supply.

-VOICEOVER:

-Pie the supply!

-Nice and gently.

Remember, if you get the wrong person, you will face consequences.

OK, Josh, nice and gently.

Gently, gently, into the face. Gently!

-Oh!

-That is not what we talked about at all!

-No!

APPLAUSE

I mean, no-one was expecting that,

mainly number two, the PE teacher.

I think he's an actor. I dunno.

Never in my life has there been quite more obviously a teacher.

It's 100% number two!

-They were trying to confuse us.

-They were trying to confuse you?

What, by training for five years to be a PE teacher?

Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It is time for the Teacher's Revenge.

-VOICEOVER:

-Teacher's Revenge!

Both team captains now may get pied in the face by our PE teacher.

Josh, for your own sake, son, I hope it's not you.

LAUGHTER

Here we go.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

-Tilly! Up you come, Tilly.

-Oh, Tilly!

-I'm ready.

-Go on, Tilly, you can do it.

-I've lived a great life.

LAUGHTER

-Bonus gold star for Tilly.

-Yay!

-Come on, sir.

-Oh!

-TEACHER:

-This is so wrong.

Look at that! You're a cruel PE teacher. What are you doing?

-Can I get him up?

-Josh, you come up as well.

-Hmm?

You go up as well.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's the first ever double pie!

-DOMINIQUE:

-Double pie.

-Do one each.

-JARRED:

-I can see him picturing the worst students he's ever had.

-He's channelling.

-You go first.

-OK.

Oh, and a bit to Josh as well. Get Josh as well.

Ooh...

LAUGHTER

On you go.

APPLAUSE

That was the teacher's revenge!

APPLAUSE

Time to find another High School Dropout.

-VOICEOVER:

-High School Dropout!

In a moment, two of our brave guests will face this -

the dreaded Dog Ate My Homework drop zone!

The chosen guests will stand on their giant bins

to face fiendish general knowledge questions.

But beware, the first to get three wrong

meets a rather smelly end.

PARP

LAUGHTER

Not that smelly! I'm talking about getting binned. Honestly!

So, Tilly, who do you want to see stood on a bin?

George.

Oh.

OK. And Josh?

-Jarred.

-OK, so it's George against Jarred.

It's time to take your positions on the drop zone.

APPLAUSE

OK, guys, remember the first to get three questions wrong is binned,

but you can confer with your team.

So, George, you're up first. The first question is...

What do you think, Tilly?

What's your gut telling you? USA or Mexico?

-I think USA cos it's bigger.

-What do you think, George?

USA or Mexico? What's your gut telling you?

Well, I saw how Tilly did with the PE teachers.

-I'll go Mexico.

-I can tell you the answer is...

-Mexico.

-Yay!

-Well done!

-Jarred?

-Yes.

The stakes for me are very low

cos I quite want to see you fall in.

-I'm going to go Oliver Twist anyway.

-OK, you went Oliver Twist.

I can tell you the correct answer is...

Oliver Twist.

No!

-Any idea, George?

-Um... Tilly, what do you think?

I think lower cos I read a book and you have to make it hands,

-so I'm going to go lower.

-You said 84.

Are you going to go 84 or are you going to change it to 91?

-Sorry, Tilly, I'm going 91.

-91? Tilly told you 84 million.

You changed to 91 million. The answer is...

-84 million.

-Oh!

Always trust Tilly. You go to amber, George.

I think you're going to be using a few more of those toilet rolls

after you go in there, mate.

Actually, speaking of using toilet rolls, I need to get my...

I need to get my...

-This out. Ooh.

-What is it?

-The buttons.

-This is the buttons I'm going to press if you get dropped.

-Oh.

-Jarred?

-Yes.

-Here we go.

-Who would go to that?

-People with moustaches.

-Yeah.

I wasn't allowed to go. They said I was too hairy.

So I'm going to go a thousand something.

-1,000?

-No, 7,000.

-7,000.

-World record.

-Higher or lower?

-Higher.

-Higher, higher.

The team think it's 7,000, you said 1,000.

I'm going to go 7,000. I'm going with the team.

OK, I can tell you the answer is...

-1,131.

-Sorry!

You go to amber, mate. OK, George.

-Lizard or tarantula?

-Team, what do you reckon?

-Any ideas?

-We think lizard.

-You think lizard?

-Why do you think that, Tilly?

Just guessing.

-There you go.

-OK.

-She got the last one right.

Are you going to stick with lizard?

I'm going to trust you, Tilly, and if I hurt myself here,

it's your fault.

-OK.

-We'll go with lizard.

-OK, so, I can tell you the answer is...

B, tarantula.

No!

You're into the danger zone, George!

-No!

-Jarred?

-Yes.

Tunarama, an arts and culture festival,

and home of the world-famous tuna toss competition,

is celebrated in which country?

And before you answer this question, can you please tell me

where you come from?

I am from New Zealand

and I don't think we do that.

It seems a very Australian thing to do,

because they're very lonely people, Australians. They've got no friends.

Why else would they invent a stick that comes back to them?

LAUGHTER

There's less to do in New Zealand than Australia, right?

-But we've got mountains and bungee jumping and stuff.

-And orcs.

And orcs. True story. And what?

Sheep. More sheep than humans there.

-That's a true story, mate, that's a true story.

-That sounds baa-aad.

LAUGHTER

-So, we're going to go with Australia or New Zealand?

-Australia.

OK, I can tell you the answer is...

indeed Australia.

No!

APPLAUSE

So, George, I think that was a bit unfair.

That was a question involving his own country,

so I'll make it easier for you.

The National Diet is the name...

The... Er...I don't understand that at all.

If you get this wrong, you are getting dropped.

-I've got two blank faces looking right at me.

-Don't ask me!

-Any idea, Dominique?

-No.

-OK.

Thanks, guys!

-Japan or China, mate?

-I'm going China.

OK.

-Oh...

-If this is wrong, you're getting dropped.

If I press this button...

The National Diet is the name of parliament in which country?

You said China. The correct answer,

written here...

on this card...

is...

Japan! You're wrong!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Which means, at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Josh's team!

-AUDIENCE CHANT:

-Drop him! Drop him! Drop him!

Wait! What is happening here?

-Drop him! Drop him!

-Don't you dare!

-Shall I do it?

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Time to get buzzy with Spelling Bees.

-VOICEOVER:

-Spelling Beee-sss.

Prepare for the most fun you can have with two celebrities,

some bumblebee costumes and a bungee cord.

And there's a smidgen of spelling as well.

Team captains, you're the beekeepers.

So, Tilly, who's your bee going to be?

-Dominique.

-Yay!

-Dominique. Lovely stuff.

OK, and Josh, who do you want your bee to be?

-Who's got a sting in their tail?

-Me!

-No, Lou.

-Lou!

-Yay!

-There you go.

It's Lou against Dominique. Let's get ready to bumble!

APPLAUSE

OK, guys, I'll shout out words and our two teams need to grab

the letters to spell those words. So simple a bee could do it.

The team who spell the most correct answers at the end are the winners.

Are you guys ready?

You'd better bee-lieve it!

APPLAUSE

Bonus gold star to Lou for using a pun.

-Beekeepers, are we ready? BOTH:

-Yeah.

Your time starts when I say the first word,

and the first word is "smiley". Go!

KLAXON

One letter at a time, one letter at a time.

Come on, Dominique!

LAUGHTER

Dominique...

Get up, Dominique. Get up. I'll help.

-What letters do I need?

-What do you need? What do you need?

-M.

An M. Come on, Dom.

Go on, Dominique!

Lou, Lou!

Come on, come on, Dom! You can do this!

I've done it! I've done it!

-You need a Y.

-I've done it!

Y, Y.

Y, Y. Oh, you've done it!

"Face". "Face" is next.

Come on, Dominique.

Hold my hands.

Get letters! Get letters!

-Dominique, you can do this.

-Get it, quick!

-Get it! Lou!

-Dominique, you can do this.

Face, face, face.

Stay on your square!

Get some letters, Dominique! Dominique!

-Are you OK?

-I want to go home.

Time out. Let's ask for time out.

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE

Stop.

I really don't want to be a bee any more.

-Did I play too rough?

-No.

Right, well, let's very quickly... Let's, um...

Let's find out who won.

LAUGHTER

We'll go to George first. George, we were looking for "smiley face".

George, do you want to read out the word that you spelled?

Fs.

And what did you get, Jarred?

I got "smiley face", with a bonus "R".

CHEERING

Which means, at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Josh's team!

APPLAUSE

That's just about it. All we need to do now is add up the stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

And the winners are...

..Josh's team!

APPLAUSE

Congratulations, you lot.

I always knew you'd win, or at least come second.

As for Tilly's team, not only does the dog eat your homework

but you have detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers

# Losers. #

So, that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much but it was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

See ya!

APPLAUSE