Ellie v Ruby The Dog Ate My Homework
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
MR SMASH STRAINS | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-Huh?! -MR SMASH SCREAMS | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
No! No, no, no, no! | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
-No, no! Don't! -EXPLOSION | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
MR SMASH SCREAMS | 0:00:12 | 0:00:13 | |
DOG WHEEZES AND SCHOOL BELL | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
Hello, everybody watching. I'm Iain Stirling | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
- and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework, | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
the show that tests the old grey matter. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
I'm not talking about the old grey matter that we had | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
this afternoon in the canteen. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
FLIES BUZZING AND AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
-Audience: -Eurgh! | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
It's not bad, actually. LAUGHTER | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
It's quite nice. OK, let's take the register. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
On my right, a girl who says her school life | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
is a bit like a sitcom, which must be annoying | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
when you're halfway through lunch | 0:01:23 | 0:01:24 | |
and you have to stop for the adverts. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
IAIN LAUGHS WEAKLY It's Ellie. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
-Here, Sir! -CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
And on Ellie's team, | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
a presenter and keen basketball player, | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
a sport where one of the rules is the same thing | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
I tell Mr Smash, "No excessive dribbling". | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
From Newsround, it's Martin Dougan. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
-Here, Sir! -APPLAUSE | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
Also on Ellie's team, | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
a comedian who cleaned up at the Comedy Awards | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
with a pocketful of one-liners. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
Sorry, a pocketful of BIN liners. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
He literally cleaned up at the awards. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
He has a part time job to succeed. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
-It's Steve Bugeja! -Here, Sir! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
And on my left, | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
a girl whose school was voted the best in the country, | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
but then she started going there and it fell several places. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:11 | 0:02:12 | |
-It's Ruby, everyone! -Here, sir! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
CHEERING | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
On Ruby's team, a man known as the best dressed man in comedy, | 0:02:16 | 0:02:20 | |
but can he were a blouse? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
-It's Tom Allen! -Here, Sir. Here, Sir. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
And also on Ruby's team, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
a comedian whose last gig had people queueing around the corner. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
Next time she's going to give them the correct address. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
It's Athena Kugblenu! | 0:02:36 | 0:02:37 | |
-Here, Sir! -APPLAUSE | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
Can we please applaud both of our teams! | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
So, what are you going to do while the show is on? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Well, that's up to you. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
You might have a stretch, make a cup of tea, or you might even laugh. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:56 | |
GENTLE LAUGHTER You better! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
But what our teams have to do is play for these, | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
my lovely golden stars. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Ooh! | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Along the way, I'll award bonus stars for pretty much anything. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
For instance, first person to throw a ping-pong in the bin | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
gets a gold star. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
-CLANGING NOISES -Ah! -Ah! | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
-Yes! -Yeah! APPLAUSE | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
-A gold star for Tom Allen! -I've never done anything good at sport. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:24 | |
But be warned, any nonsense and I can take those stars right back. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Aw! | 0:03:28 | 0:03:29 | |
Eh! It's Iain's school, so it's...? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Iain's stars! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
The team with the most stars at the end of the show are our winners, | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
while the losers face detention with a man who once turned | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
the entire audience to jelly. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:40 | |
That's right, the place was dessert-ed. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
TOM ALLEN GROANS AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
Oh, go on... | 0:03:45 | 0:03:46 | |
APPLAUSE CONTINUES | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mr Smash. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
MR SMASH GROWLS AND BOOING | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
Hey, hey, hey! We've got big news today, | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
because this is the launch of Mr Smash's very own YouTube channel | 0:03:58 | 0:04:03 | |
- and apparently it's about to go live. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
-MUSIC STARTS -Ha, ha, ha! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Eh? Eh? Eh? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
MR SMASH MUMBLES | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
MR SMASH LAUGHS | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
-Mr Smash! -Huh? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
When they say YouTube, they don't mean the tubes that are U-shaped. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
MUSIC STOPS AND LAUGHTER | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
MR SMASH MUTTERS | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Bah! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
LAUGHTER Let's get on with the show! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Time now for Stick To The Point! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -Stick To The Point! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
This is a quickfire round. Steve, how quick is it? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Too slow. OK. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow, | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
repeat an answer, or just talk like your grandad | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
when his teeth have fallen out, bless him... | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
I'll put you in the shush position. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
Can I see your shush positions, everyone, please? | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
Not bad at all, but before we can do anything, | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
I need my all-powerful Stick of Omnipotence! | 0:05:04 | 0:05:09 | |
Oh! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Woo! -Look, it looks like clouds. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
IAIN SCREAMS | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Whoa! Whee! | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
There you go, Stick of Omnipotence. What do you make of this, Tom Allen? | 0:05:22 | 0:05:26 | |
I don't know, it looks like the sort of thing people light up, | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
erm, like wardrobes with when they open the door. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
-You know, guys... -Do people do that? -What? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
You've got a wardrobe, then you open the door | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
and then some lights come on to illuminate your clothes. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
That's not a wardrobe, you're thinking of a fridge. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
A wardrobe for food. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
-Oh, I like the cut of this handbag. Handbag. -Handbag. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:49 | |
Come on. APPLAUSE | 0:05:49 | 0:05:50 | |
Come on. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
Right, the first question is things you might hear at a farm. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:57 | |
I don't want you to tell me them. I want you to act them out. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
GENTLE LAUGHTER Steve Bugeja. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
Hello, I'm a farmer. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
-CHEERING -Yeah. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
-Boring school star. Well done. -Thank you. -Ruby. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
-FAINTLY -Moo... | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
A very quiet cow. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Martin? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
# Oh, I've got a brand-new combine harvester, | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
# Da, da, da, da, da... # | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
-APPLAUSE -Come on! | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
-Athena? -Woof, woof! | 0:06:29 | 0:06:30 | |
Yes, please. A cat. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
Ellie? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
ELLIE OINKS | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
There you go, a child with the cold. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
LAUGHTER Tom? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
-Neigh! -IAIN LAUGHS | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Steve? STEVE SQUAWKS | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Scarecrow. It was a scarecrow. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:47 | |
-That was not a scarecrow. -Scarecrows have got to make noises. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
-A scared crow. -Ah! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:55 | 0:06:56 | |
Come on! | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
Ruby. | 0:06:58 | 0:06:59 | |
Tractor noise. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
-That... -I loved it, Ruby, I did, but I'll have to put you | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
in the shush position, because it wasn't really a noise. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
OK, Martin. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
MARTIN OINKS AND SMACKS HIS LIPS | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
Tom? | 0:07:14 | 0:07:15 | |
Um, shall we get some jam? Oh, yes, we could do with some lovely jam. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
Yes, do I like strawberry or the raspberry? I like strawberry. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
Get raspberry if you want it, though. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
It's two posh people going to the farm shop. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
I like that. I like that. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
Ellie? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:31 | |
BUZZER | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
-Shush position, I'm afraid. Athena? -That'll do, pig. That'll do. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
There you go. A film from the '90s, children. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
-Steve? -Chop, chop, chop... | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
No. Lack of commitment. Shush position. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
Thank you. Tom? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
TOM MAKES CREAKING NOISE | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
-It's the gate being opened. -Lovely, I like it. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
-Martin? HIGH-PITCHED: -Pigs can fly. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
-Not here, mate. -Was that as creepy as I thought it was? | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
Athena? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
ATHENA MAKES CREAKING NOISE | 0:08:04 | 0:08:05 | |
-It's been closed. -Oh! | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:07 | 0:08:08 | |
Very good, very good. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
In accordance with the country code. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
Yeah. Martin? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
BUZZER | 0:08:15 | 0:08:16 | |
Shush position! Points go to Ruby's team! | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
OK, here we go. Things... that are fluffy. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:28 | |
Things that are fluffy. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
And you were saying it looked cheap. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
I see. "Made in England". Ah. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Screw that back on. Things that are fluffy. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
-Martin? -Cloud. -Yes. Tom? | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
-Sheep. -Yes. Steve? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
-The Stick of Omnipotence. -Yeah, kind of. Ruby? | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
My bed socks. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
-Ooh, nice one, Ellie. -Pyjamas? -Yes. Athena? -Candyfloss. -Lovely stuff. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
-Steve? -A jumper. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
-What type of jumper? -A fluffy one. -Lovely stuff. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
-Tom? -A very well made Victoria sponge cake. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
No soggy bottom. Just nice and fluffy. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
-Martin? -Dressing gowns? -Lovely stuff. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
-Athena? -Er, whipping cream. Whipped cream. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
-Yeah. Ellie? -Hair. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
Hair is nice and fluffy. Ruby? | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
-Scarf. -Nice. Steve? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
-Sheep's wool. -We've had sheep. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
Am I giving them sheep's wool? Audience? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
-You... -AUDIENCE SHOUTS | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
-BUZZER Shush position. -Aw... -Yes. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
It's Iain's school, so it's...? | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Iain's stars! | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
-Athena? -Poodles. -Lovely stuff. Ellie? -Beard. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
I use a nice oil. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
-Ruby? -Gloves. -Gloves. Yes, please. Ellie? | 0:09:55 | 0:09:59 | |
-BUZZER Shush, shush position. -Ah! -Tom? | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
Lovely egg whites before... Maybe you're making a meringue. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
-Martin? -Iain's personality when he's wearing that blouse? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:11 | |
Ah... | 0:10:11 | 0:10:12 | |
I'm a very fluffy man, actually. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
-Athena? -Pillows. -Nice one. Martin? -Er... | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
Shush position! | 0:10:19 | 0:10:20 | |
And the points go to Ruby's team! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
APPLAUSE AND SCHOOL BELL | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
And at the end of that round, I can reveal the gold star goes to... | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
Ruby's team! | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
Nice one. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:37 | |
Time to face the music with Tune In. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -Tune In! | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
This is where two members of each team will be given a song | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
to perform using this simple instrument, a kazoo. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
Or as I like to call it, an Ia-instrument. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
CLOCK CHIMES AND DOG BARKS | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
WIND WHISTLES | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
DOG HOWLS | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
OK! So, Ellie's team, you're up first. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
Ellie, who do you want to join you on the kazoo? | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
-Martin. -OK, in that case, Martin and Ellie, | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
please make your way to the floor. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
-OK... -CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -Please welcome to the floor, Ellie and her kazoo partner, | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
Martin Dougan. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:21 | |
STRICTLY THEME TUNE ON KAZOO | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
SLOW HANDCLAP | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
OK, Steve. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
Your time starts when you flip over your first flippy thing. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
Guys, you have to perform the song you see on your... | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -School disco! -School disco! | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
-MUSIC STARTS -# I feel alive! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
# All fired up, I feel alive! | 0:11:41 | 0:11:42 | |
# All fired up, I feel alive | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
# I feel alive, I feel alive | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
# All fired up, I feel alive | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
# All fired up, I feel alive, | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
# All fired up, I feel alive, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
# I feel alive, I feel alive... | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
# Radar... | 0:11:54 | 0:11:55 | |
# Keep me, keep me, keep me on your radar...# | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
-Steve? -Yes? | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
Time starts when you flip over the first thing on your flippy thing. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
Oh... | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
KAZOO MUSIC | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
HANDCLAP | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
Oh, yeah! | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Da, da, da, da! | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
Da, da, da, da! | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
Story Of My Life! One Direction! | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
Yes! | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Oh, that felt great. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
Go on, next one, here we go. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
Good luck with this. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
KAZOO MUSIC STARTS | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
HANDCLAP | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
Oh... | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
What? Oh, no! What is it? It's like work, work, work every day. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:54 | |
No! It's Bills by Lunch Money Lewis. You idiot. Next one. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:58 | 0:12:59 | |
-No! -Yes, he's got to get this one. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
KAZOO MUSIC STARTS | 0:13:02 | 0:13:03 | |
-Hum along! -It's, er, Star Wars. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
Star Wars! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
AUDIENCE HUMS STAR WARS | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
Let's get to the end! | 0:13:10 | 0:13:11 | |
HUMMING CONTINUES | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
That is, er, Star Wars. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
Next one. Hurry up! Hurry up! | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
KAZOO MUSIC AND HANDCLAP | 0:13:25 | 0:13:26 | |
More dancing would help. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Oh! It's, "One more chance..." No. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
-I... I don't know... -Right, we're skipping it! | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
BUZZER It was Jess Glynne! | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Ruby, I'm going to level with you, you're not up against much. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
Who do you want to help you out with your kazoo-ing today? | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
-Athena. -OK, Athena and Ruby, please make your way to the floor. | 0:13:56 | 0:14:00 | |
STRICTLY THEME TUNE ON KAZOO | 0:14:00 | 0:14:01 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -Please welcome to the floor Ruby | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
and her kazoo partner, Athena. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
STRICTLY THEME TUNE CONTINUES | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
KAZOO MUSIC | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
SLOW HANDCLAP | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
-# All about that bass, 'bout that bass... # -Yes! | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
APPLAUSE Next one! Next one! | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
KAZOO MUSIC | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
HANDCLAP | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
-Pass! -Pass, pass, pass! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
-OK. -KAZOO MUSIC | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
HANDCLAP | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
That you're beautiful! | 0:14:57 | 0:14:58 | |
-Yes! -You're beautiful by... | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
Um, er, that one they all like. Erm, er... | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
-It's... I want to say One Direction. -You're right! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
-APPLAUSE -Yeah! -I'll give you that. Next one. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Next one. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:11 | |
THEY PLAY KAZOO MUSIC | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
-James Bond. -Yes, please! | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
SCHOOL BELL | 0:15:17 | 0:15:18 | |
Give it up for Ruby's team, everyone. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
And at the end of that round, the gold star goes to... | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
Ruby's team! | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:15:28 | 0:15:29 | |
Right here, right now, this is happening, | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
it's Pie The Supply. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
-VOICE OVER: -Pie The Supply! | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
In a minute, we'll meet four real life, actual humans, | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
although looking at them, I'm not so sure that's correct. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
What I do know is that they all claim to be real head teachers. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Woo! | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
Only one's telling the truth. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
Our teams must decide which one and if both teams then fail | 0:15:56 | 0:16:00 | |
to pie the correct head teacher, they will face a penalty! | 0:16:00 | 0:16:04 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Woo! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
So, let's meet the teachers. We have Ms Beeton, | 0:16:07 | 0:16:12 | |
Ms Evanor, | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
Mr Campbell, | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
Mrs McKee. WHISTLE AND LAUGHTER | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
All up for you guys at the minute. First impressions? | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
I'm just going to say off the bat, this lady next to me, number four, | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
-that strikes me as a head teacher. -They all look pretty scary... | 0:16:27 | 0:16:31 | |
-Yeah. -They've all got this scary vibe about them. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
-What do you think, Ellie? -I think number three, definitely. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
-You think number three's...? -Number three or number four. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
-He's giving you a look now... -Oh, he's giving you a bit of... | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
-That could be a red herring. -Ruby's team? | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
Number two's expression has stayed the same the whole time. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
Literally, like, frozen. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
She's staring you down. Mm... | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
She's thinking about... | 0:16:52 | 0:16:53 | |
She's thinking about all the chores she's going to make | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
her deputy head do on Monday. LAUGHTER | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
Right, we've had first impressions. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
Let's go back to Ellie's team. We have a head teacher in our midst. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
You can ask them anything you want. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:04 | |
-We should probably ask three a question. -Yeah. Go on, then. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
Number three, as a head teacher, | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
if I was to call you a name, like, er, a silly sausage... | 0:17:09 | 0:17:15 | |
Oh, do another one. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
-That's so naughty... -Do another one, Steve. Do another one. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
Potty... boy. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
-I don't know what I'm saying. -OK... | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
The question is what would you do | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
if I called you a silly sausage? And a potty boy? | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
I would say to you, "My office now, boy". | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
ALL: Ooh! LAUGHTER | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
Let's go over to Ruby's team for a bit. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
You got any questions? Head teacher, we've got here. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
I was going to say, Mrs McGee, number four? | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
My only memory of school is how everyone responds. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:46 | |
Could you say "Good morning, everybody"? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
And then I want to see how you react when I respond. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
Good morning, everybody. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
-DEEP VOICE -Good morning, Mrs Magee! | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
-That was the correct response. -Do you want to do them all? | 0:17:59 | 0:18:02 | |
-Yeah, yeah. -So, Mr Campbell. Number three. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
I wouldn't say anything | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
until there was absolute silence in the assembly... | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
-Ooh! -He's good. -Good. -He is good. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
-He is good. -Yeah. -OK, number two is Ms Evanor. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
Well, I would wait till everyone gets quiet first | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
and then I would say, "Good morning, everybody". | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
-DEEP VOICE ALL: -Good morning, Ms Evanor! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
Look, she's cracking! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
They've cracked now! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:33 | |
We've cracked her! | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
And finally, Ms Beeton, everyone. Ms Beeton. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
Good morning, everybody. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
-UPBEAT -Good mornin', everybody! | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
That's a school in a musical! | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
One more time, Ms Beeton. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
-FAINT AMERICAN ACCENT -Good morning, everybody. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Gold star to Ms Beeton. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
Right, audience, who do you think is a real head teacher? | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
Please vote now. One, two, three or four? Please vote...now! | 0:19:07 | 0:19:11 | |
A lot of fours there. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
And more twos than anyone expected. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
Decision time now. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Ellie? Who's lied and who's about to get pied? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
It's time for you to pie the supply! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:30 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -Pie the supply! | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
Off you go, Ellie. Nice and gently. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
Place that pie gently into the face of the person you think is a head... | 0:19:34 | 0:19:40 | |
Oh! | 0:19:40 | 0:19:41 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
You can keep it down there, it's fine. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
OK, Ruby, you're next. It's time to pie the supply! | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -Pie the supply! | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
OK, Rubes. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
Nice and gently. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:57 | |
Chuck a pie into the face of the person you think | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
runs this school, runs the joint! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
Ooh... | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
Oh, Ruby! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
-Sorry! -It's fine. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
No-one thought Ruby had it in her. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
Let's find out if you're right. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Would the real head teacher please step forward? | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
Which means we've got the head teacher, | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
so the gold star goes to Ellie's team! | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
Drop everything! | 0:20:40 | 0:20:41 | |
It's High School Dropout. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:43 | |
-VOICE-OVER: -High School Dropout! | 0:20:43 | 0:20:47 | |
In a moment, two of our guests will quake in trouser-messing fear | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
on this, The Dog Ate My Homework Drop Zone! | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Standing on the drop zones, our chosen guests have to answer | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
some general knowledge questions from Hell! | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
THUNDERCLAP AND DRAMATIC MUSIC | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
GENTLE LAUGHTER | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
The first to get three wrong is then binned. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Ellie, please tell me who you'd like to see binned. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
-Steve. -OK, Steve Bugeja. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
And Ruby, who would you like to see | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
up against Steve on the bins? | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
-Tom. -Tom?! | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
-Yeah. -Thanks, Ruby. -You're welcome. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
So, please take your positions on your drop zone! | 0:21:32 | 0:21:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
OK. Remember, first to get three questions wrong is binned. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:44 | |
-And the first question is for Ellie's team. So, Steve... -Yeah? | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
Which of these are there more of in the world? | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
Ellie, do you know the answer to this question? | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
-Sheep. -Really? -She knows it! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
Have you got a smartphone, Ellie? | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
-Yeah. -Have you got a sheep? -Have you got a sheep? -No! | 0:22:01 | 0:22:05 | |
Already it's looking wrong. Um, I don't know. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
I guess I thought smartphones would be... | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
But there's a lot of sheep in there, actually, | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
when you think about it, when you go to Wales and stuff, um, I... | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
I think sheep... | 0:22:14 | 0:22:15 | |
Ellie thinks sheep, Martin thinks sheep. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
-Steve seems to think smartphone. -Erm... | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
-I'll go for sheep. -How confident are you? | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
-Pretty confident, actually. -Well, it's smartphones. -Is it?! | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
-Oh, man, no way. -What? -You go to amber stage, Bugeja! | 0:22:25 | 0:22:29 | |
Ruby, here is your question... | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
Which of the following is taller? | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
The Elizabeth Tower, | 0:22:35 | 0:22:36 | |
which is wrongly sometimes called Big Ben, or 56 Iain Stirlings? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:41 | |
-Which is taller? -How tall are you? -He's six-foot two. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
-I'm six-foot two. -Mm... | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
Erm, I think it's the Iains. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
I can tell you one is 100 metres tall, one is 96 metres tall. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:54 | |
The taller one is... | 0:22:54 | 0:22:55 | |
56 Iain Stirlings! | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Yeah! -Get in! | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
OK, Steve. You've really got to get this right, mate. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
Here you go... | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
If you spent... | 0:23:06 | 0:23:07 | |
21 years or 15 years? | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
What do you reckon? That's a lot of islands. That must be thousands. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
-15, I'd say... -Easy for you to say. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
Why on earth would you spend 21 years going around islands? | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
Just silly, isn't it? | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
Yes, stupid, that. 15's much better. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-15's great. That's just about right. -Yeah, brilliant. Love 15. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
-I will go 15, please. 15 years. -15. Cos 21's mad, innit? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
Yeah, that's mad. There's no way it's 21. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
For doing 21 years, you would need, I don't know, 7,641 islands... | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
I don't like your tone. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
The answer is... | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
21 years! | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
-What? -You go to red. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
Oh. This is going badly. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:53 | 0:23:54 | |
-Tom! -Yes? | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
A wobbegong? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
-Wobbegong. -Are you even speaking English? | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
Wobbegong. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
-Ruby, what do you think it is? -I think it's a carpet shark. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
She thinks it's a carpet shark. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
-Hope you're right. -Ha, ha! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:17 | |
What if I told you the right answer? Would that help? | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
-Yeah. -It's a flying fox bat. -No, it must be. -It's a flying fox bat. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
-Do you think? -Yeah. -OK, I think it's a flying fox bat. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
-OK, the answer is a carpet shark. -No! | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
Ruby, you're supposed to know! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
Steve, if you get this wrong, you're binned, mate! | 0:24:34 | 0:24:37 | |
And the gold star goes to Ruby's team | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
because Tom's only got the one wrong. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
A snail or a slug? | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
What do you think, Ellie? | 0:24:49 | 0:24:51 | |
-Snail. -Snail. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
You're just guessing, Ellie, I think. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
I think everyone is, mate. No-one knows the answer to this. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
-I'm on a bin! Why is no-one taking this seriously? -This could be it. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
You could be wobbegong. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
I'm going towards slug. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
Because it's rough on the outside | 0:25:07 | 0:25:08 | |
and that's maybe considered its teeth. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
-Ooh, Martin? -Yeah. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
I think because Ellie's team captain, I think | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
-you should, your executive decision. -Slug. -Slug. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:19 | |
Steve, before you answer the question... | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
Slug or snail? | 0:25:25 | 0:25:26 | |
Erm, the opposite from what they said. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
-Snail? -I just don't trust you guys. I've lost faith, OK? | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
OK! Ellie and Martin said slug. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
No, stop. Stop, actually. No, stop. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
No! LAUGHTER | 0:25:37 | 0:25:38 | |
No, it's locked in now. All locked in. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
-No! -Martin explained that slugs are covered in tiny little teeth. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
But you went with snail. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
ELLIE LAUGHS The answer is... | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
STEVE WINCES | 0:25:49 | 0:25:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
Right here. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:55 | |
Slug! | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
STEVE SCREAMS You're getting dropped! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
Steve... STEVE SCREAMS | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:04 | 0:26:05 | |
Oh... | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
Goodbye! | 0:26:12 | 0:26:13 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
At the end of that round, the gold star goes to... | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
Ruby's team! | 0:26:20 | 0:26:21 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
-Where's Steve? -We're going to... We'll get the ladder. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
-FROM AUDIENCE: -Drop him! -Drop him! | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
Drop him! Drop him! Drop him! | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
Drop him! Drop him! Drop him! | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
Drop him! Drop him! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
And that's just about it. All I need to do now is add up the stars. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:50 | |
Ooh... | 0:26:50 | 0:26:51 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Ooh... | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
And the winners are... | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
Ruby's team! | 0:27:01 | 0:27:02 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, Ruby's team. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
As for Ellie's team, not only does a dog eat your homework, | 0:27:07 | 0:27:11 | |
but you get detention. Mr Smash, it's time to take The Walk Of Shame. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:15 | |
-# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... -Losers! | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
-# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... -Losers! | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
-# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... -Losers! | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
-# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... -Losers! | 0:27:22 | 0:27:23 | |
-# La, la, la, la, la, la, la... # -Losers! | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
Losers. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
So, that's your lot. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
As ever, we probably didn't learn much, but do you know what? | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
It was fun trying. See you next time on... | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
-AUDIENCE: -The Dog Ate My Homework! | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
Sees ya! | 0:27:38 | 0:27:39 | |
CHEERING AND MUSIC | 0:27:39 | 0:27:43 |