Dylan v Farrah The Dog Ate My Homework

I'm Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.

Yes, you're watching ground-breaking television of tomorrow today.

Unless you're watching it on Catch Up, tomorrow, in which case,

you're watching yesterday's television today, or if it's...

A week... Today's...

Tomorrow's television yesterday...

Doesn't matter. Let's take the register.

OK, on my right, a boy whose art teacher asked him to paint

the school, so if you pass a big pink building with yellow

polka-dots, you know who to blame.

-It is Dylan.

-Here, Sir!

And on Dylan's team, the presenter of Officially Amazing,

who broke the world record yesterday for eating the most mushy peas.

Today, he's breaking something else.

..wind.

It's Ben Shires.

Here, Sir!

Also on Dylan's team,

a comedian who hopes she's still telling her favourite jokes

ten years from now.

Hopefully by then, she'll have maybe got to the punch line!

It's Victoria Cook.

Here, Sir!

And on my left, a girl whose school is so hi-tech,

even the PE teachers are developing artificial intelligence.

Never going to happen. It's Farrah!

Here, Sir!

On Farrah's team,

a lady who always wanted to be an actress, because it's a chance

to walk in somebody else's shoes.

That's where my trainers have got to!

-It's Dominique Moore.

-Here, Sir.

And finally on Farrah's team,

a comedian whose stage act involves singing in a one-man band.

I was in a one-man band once, but I had to leave due to musical

differences.

It's Gareth Richards!

Here, Sir!

Could you please applaud both teams with appropriate levels

of enthusiasm?

So, this is my panel show, but how does it work on my panel show,

the panel show that is mine, belongs to me?

Well, as usual, our teams are going to battle it out for these,

my golden stars.

AUDIENCE OOHS

So shiny!

Along the way, I'll award bonus stars to anyone who makes me clap

like an overexcited sea lion.

Gold star to anyone that can do an overexcited sea lion.

THEY BARK LIKE SEA LIONS

I'm slightly...

You... Yours sounds like a mouse.

What... Do yours again, Victoria?

Congratulations, gold star to Victoria Cook.

But be warned, if you do anything too weird,

I can just take those golden stars away.

AUDIENCE SIGHS

Hey, I'd be sea LYING to you if I didn't tell you it's Iain's school,

so it's...

ALL: Iain's rules!

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man so scary,

even his own hair is hiding from him.

It's Mr Smash.

HE GROWLS

BOOING

Actually, actually, today, Mr Smash is going to show us a magic trick.

I know. Take it away, the Great Smash-dini.

Ah-ha!

OK.

MR SMASH CHUCKLES

Oh!

APPLAUSE

I mean, that is amaze...

No-one has any idea how you done that,

but I don't think the dog's going to be very happy when he sees

you've shrunk his Best in Show at Crufts trophy.

In fact, mate, he's coming right now.

HE WHIMPERS

CHEERING

THUNDER CLAPS

HE GROWLS

I'm crying!

HE GROWLS

Brilliant. Well, wait, let's just get on with the show!

Time now for Stick To The Point.

Stick To The Point!

I'll ask questions, and if our teams are too slow repeating an answer,

or just fill me with sheer befuddlement,

which looks a little something like this...

Then I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

OK, but first, I need my stick of pointiness,

as delivered by Mr Smash.

Thank you, Mr Smash.

Mr Smash, everyone!

Oh, it's the best thing I've ever seen.

OK, this is the alphabet stick,

so I'll be looking for words that start with the same letter.

The last team speaking at the end wins.

-Do you understand this game, Dominique?

-Yes.

I'll take that as an absolute no.

OK, we're looking for things you might see in an airport.

The letter they have to begin with is letter S.

Things you might see in an airport beginning with the letter S.

-Ben Shires?

-Suitcases.

Lovely stuff. Gareth?

Sky plane.

-As opposed to those land planes?

-Yes, not a land plane.

-Or a car?

-A plane for the sky.

Sky plane. You can have it.

-Dylan?

-Shoes.

Shoes! There's loads of them.

Double the shoes to people.

Hey!

Double the shoes to people. You've got two shoes.

What is wrong with you?

-Dominique?

-It's sky.

-Erm...

-For the sky planes.

-Yes, when you...

-You know when you're waiting to get on the aeroplane?

-Yeah.

There's always those beautiful, like... No...

-Skies?

-Sky.

-The windows, they've got those huge windows.

-Oh, yeah, windows.

-I've heard of them.

-And you can see the sky.

That's a lovely story.

BUZZER Shush position, please.

-Victoria?

-Scanner.

Yeah, very good, actually. Farrah?

Socks?

Yeah, there's double the socks to people.

CHEERING

Thank you, thank you.

Erm, I'd like to thank my parents,

everyone here at BBC Scotland, erm...

The joke couldn't be done with just me. It's the team around me.

I'd like to congratulate all the other nominees,

Victoria's scanner comment,

not so much Dominique's mention about the sky, it was weird.

Thank you, erm, goodnight. Thank you.

-Dylan?

-Slippers.

-Lovely. There's double...

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

-Farrah?

-Sushi.

-Yes.

Dylan?

BUZZER Shush position, please.

-Gareth?

-Oh!

BUZZER No, shush position.

There's only Farrah left, holding out for her team. Victoria?

Sand.

Farrah?

Shush position. Points go to Dylan's team.

CHEERING

Next one.

OK, here we go.

Things that are really expensive, beginning with the letter D.

Dominique?

-Dominique's birthday presents?

-Oh, lovely stuff.

-Dylan?

-Diamonds.

Yes, please. Gareth?

Doors, expensive doors.

I'll give you that. I'll give you that. Victoria?

Darth Vader's spaceship.

-I mean, you could have said Death Star.

-Death Star!

Erm, Gareth?

Devonshire.

I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for that. Erm, Dylan?

-Drums.

-Drums are expensive.

Farrah?

BUZZER Shush position. Ben?

Double cream is twice the price of single cream.

I like that. I'm going to give you a bonus gold star.

Dominique?

Diamante...

..designer accessories.

-BUZZER No, shush position.

-Oh!

Gareth, it's you on your own.

Let's hope you can open some expensive doors for your team.

Victoria?

Darts made of solid gold.

Lovely stuff. Gareth?

Dough!

Dough, it's another word for money.

It's... Valuable.

You can have it. Dylan?

Designer clothes.

Gareth?

THEY CHUCKLE

-Dollars.

-Dollars.

No, shush position. Points go to Dylan's team!

BELL RINGS

And at the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

..Dylan's team!

Hi, time now for Tune In.

Tune In!

This is a musical round,

where two members of each team will be given songs to perform using only

this. All the remaining team members have to do is guess what song

is being performed on your kazoo.

So, Dylan, who would you like to kazoo with you?

-Victoria.

-OK, in that case, Dylan and Victoria,

please make your way to the floor.

Please welcome to the floor, Dylan and his kazoo partner,

Victoria Cook.

HE PLAYS A TUNE

Dylan, are you.... Are you actually a dancer?

-Yeah.

-Do you actually?

-Yeah.

Do, can you do a cool bit of dancing now?

Here we go.

No way!

CHEERING

What?!

Bonus gold star for that.

-Ben.

-Yes?

-You have to guess as many songs as you can. Your time starts

when you flip over your flipper thing, so flip it at will,

-my friend.

-OK, are we ready, guys?

-Yeah, go.

-Use those moves, Dylan. All right.

-Go.

HE PLAYS THE KAZOO

Oh.

Have you two been together as a band long?

Oh, erm... It's... Is it Black Eyed Peas?

-Yeah.

-Tonight's going to be a good night, that one?

-I've Gotta Feeling.

-Yeah, next one.

-Yeah!

THEY PLAY THE KAZOO

Is it... Is it the tune from the circus?

Can you sort of bring it to life with action as well?

HE PLAYS THE KAZOO

CLAPPING

HUMMING

What is it?

-I don't know.

-No!

All right, move on. Next one, next one.

A disconnect, what was it? Oh, "Galway Girl," yeah.

THEY PLAY THE KAZOO

Oh, I know it!

-Coronation Street.

-What?!

What?!

How dare you mention ITV filth on this television show?

-Erm, it's that London one, innit? EastEnders.

-Yeah.

HE PLAYS THE KAZOO

BELL RINGS Oh!

If I told you, Shawn Mendes, you would say to me...?

Did I go to school with him?

-Unlucky. Guys, sit back down, OK?

-Well done, guys.

OK, so Farrah, who from your team do you want to join you on the kazoo,

Gareth or Dominique?

-Dominique!

-Yes!

-Yeah, OK.

Please welcome to the floor, Farrah and her kazoo partner,

Dominique Moore.

HE PLAYS THE KAZOO

School disco!

School disco!

MUSIC: Coming Home by Sigma

OK, Gareth Richards, your time starts when you flip over

your first flipper thing, so please flip away at your own speed.

Oh, tune!

THEY PLAY THE KAZOO

# ..I'm crazy. You've got my number

# Call me maybe. #

-Call me...

-Call me.

-Yes, Gareth!

-Call me!

By my favourite artist, Carly Rae Jepsen!

Who's from Canada.

Hey, hey, it's not all funny. Sometimes, we're learning.

-Nice one.

-OK, I know this one.

-Oh.

THEY PLAY THE KAZOO

HE HUMS ALONG

Oh, I know that one.

-What is it?

-Erm...

-Ed Sheeran.

-Yes!

-Triangles.

-The Shape Of You!

-Yes!

Gareth Richards is a bright... Quickly, flip it round!

THEY PLAY THE KAZOO

# Young and green, only 17! # Dancing Queen!

-Yes!

-That was perfect!

THEY PLAY THE KAZOO

HE HUMS ALONG

-Harry Potter theme tune.

-Yes!

I mean, if you get this...

..you can have a gold star and my house.

Oh, my God, what is it?

SHE PLAYS THE KAZOO

Take that. Wait, please. Stop, Farrah. Stop, Farrah.

We're going to change a bit. You can have a gold star,

my house, my parents' house...

..you can have this entire building if you get this right.

Carry on.

SHE PLAYS THE KAZOO

HE HUMS ALONG

# ..don't let go # In the... Symphony! #

CHEERING

-Yes!

-No, no!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

How...?

How have you heard of that?

My finger, mate, is on the pulse.

-Right, carry on, we're losing time!

-Pop music.

BELL RINGS

CHEERING

And at the end of that round,

the gold star and my life savings goes to Farrah's team!

We did it!

Now time for the greatest thing to happen to television since me.

It's Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply!

We're about to meet four crafty characters, all claiming to be real

teachers, but only one actually lives the dream

and needs splatting with cream.

However, if both teams fail to identify the real teacher,

then there will be a penalty!

AUDIENCE OOHS

Going "Oooh!" people, I like it.

Let's meet our teachers.

We have Ms Miller...

..Ms Ali...

..Mr Wiley...

..Mrs Morrison.

So, Dylan's team, look at these guys.

One of them is a biology teacher.

They must know something about biology, or being a teacher,

or anything. Ask them questions. Victoria?

Well, what I've always wondered is have you ever seen the film

-Jurassic Park?

-Yeah.

They made a dinosaur out of a fly.

Can you explain the biology behind that?

That's to number one.

-Number one, please explain the documentary Jurassic Park.

-Yes.

Well, it's all about DNA, which is deoxyribonucleic acid.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Bonus gold star to number one.

I mean, you have just definitely got yourself pied in the face.

Any more questions, Dylan's team? Dylan, maybe...

You're at school, mate!

-I have a question for all of you.

-OK.

A child is being naughty.

What is your face to tell him off without saying anything?

-Oh, that's a great question, Dylan.

-Number four first.

We'll do number one first, number one. One, two, three, go.

That's just went...

"I'm happy...

..I'm angry."

OK, number two, do your angry face.

Number two just looks like she caught number three's smell.

OK, number three, do your angry face into camera three. One, two, three.

ALL: Oooh!

Not like this, I'm a regular teacher. Like this...

..catwalk model.

OK, and finally, number four, do your angry face, one, two, three.

Sadly, number four's got to leave the studio because she's just

wet herself. OK!

-I've got a question.

-Yes?

Can you just go through the basics of biology, one at a time?

We'll all name a core principle from biology.

We'll start with number two.

Looking at the function of the body and how...

Looking at the function of the body.

Yup, that's a fart. Next one.

See, it's fun! Biology's fun, Dominique.

You missed out at school. Number four?

Some animals have fur?

LAUGHTER

Some animals are covered in fur.

There you go. Number four, congratulations,

you are no longer getting pied in the face.

Number one, a core principle of biology?

Everything in the living world from the beginning to the end...

..or to where we are now.

You're living, all the way until your inevitable demise.

Some animals have fur, then they die.

I can't breathe!

And finally, number three, a core principle of biology is...?

As number one previously said, it's all about DNA.

-I have a question for three.

-OK, a question for three.

-What does DNA stand for?

-Oh!

Don't know answer?

LAUGHTER

Very good. Very good, actually.

Very good, actually, number three, very good, actually.

OK, I'm not going to lie to you, everyone,

but this is one of the easier ones we've had.

Audience, who do you think could be the teacher?

I, I can't for the life of me tell.

On the count of three, please vote. One, two, three, vote!

YELLING

I love the handful of people that voted for three.

You're all heroes to me.

Dylan, it is now time to find out who's lying.

It's time for you to Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply.

Just nice and gently place that pie into the face of the person

you think is the teacher.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Place that pie.

Sit back down, Dylan!

I mean, no-one saw that coming, least of all number two.

Farrah, you're up next. It's your turn to Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply.

OK, Farrah, like I said,

gently place the pie in the face of the person you think is the teacher.

I'm so sorry!

-I'm so sorry!

-Come back down. Come back down. Come down!

FARRAH LAUGHS

I felt awful!

Like a Beatrix Potter novel.

"Oh, Wendy, I must pie one in the face!"

Plop!

OK, let's find out if you've pied the right teacher.

Don't forget, if you're wrong,

one of you is getting a pie in the face yourself.

Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

No way!

What?

I'm so sorry.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, no!

Who's going to get pied in the face?

Farrah or Dylan?

Let's spin the wheel of revenge.

Here we go.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Right, Dylan, up you get.

It's time for the Teacher's Revenge!

Number four, up you come.

Remember, gently place the pie into the face of the child.

-Oh!

-Stay strong.

-Go get him.

-Go, Dylan!

Yay!

That was the Teacher's Revenge!

Tricycles at the ready. It's time for the School Run.

The School Run!

This is a very simple relay race around the studios,

the aim being to drop these little monkeys off at school.

"Wow, Iain, you're my hero!"

I know.

So, teams, if you can stop fooling, these kids need schooling.

OK, guys, the first team to make it round, drop everyone off at school,

and get back here first are the winners.

Your time starts in three, two, one, go!

BUZZER

THEY CHEER

Go over the hump.

Dump! Get in school!

There we go. The kid has been dropped off.

Where's Dominique?

What is Dominique doing?

Quick, get another one, get another one.

You might need to go get Dominique.

Go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go.

Where's Dominique?

-Hurry up!

-I don't like going fast!

THEY SHOUT

Hurry up!

I don't want to fly over.

No, not too fast!

Not too fast!

Get back! Get back!

Go, go, go, go!

Not too fast!

CHEERING

High-five, mate. Go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go.

YELLING

Get in, get in. Get in, get in, get in.

Get in, get in, get in.

Go, go, go, go, go.

IAIN SCREAMS

He's spun out!

Yeah!

BUZZER

At the end of the round, the winners is Dylan's team!

And that's just about it.

All I need to do now is add up the stars.

AUDIENCE OOHS

And the winners are...

..Dylan's team!

Congratulations, you lot.

You are officially the brainiest people behind the desk.

As for Farrah's team, not only does the dog eat your homework,

you get detention with Mr Smash today.

He's dressed in one of our spelling bees outfits.

Nice look, Smash.

HE GROWLS

Time to take The Walk Of Shame.

ALL: Losers!

ALL: Losers!

ALL: Losers!

ALL: Losers!

ALL: Losers!

ALL: Losers!

So, that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much, but you know what?

It was fun trying.

See you next time on...

ALL: The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!