Mike The Dumping Ground: I'm...

MIKE: Attention, the My Life In Care videos are about to receive their

world premiere in the TV room.

Don't miss these personal takes on what life is really like in

Ashdene Ridge.

And this time, it's me!

You have been warned.

Right, you guys, are you ready for this?

Any laughing and it'll be double chores.

I mean it.

'Hello. I'm Michael Milligan,

'lead care worker at Ashdene Ridge.

'But you kids know that already, so...

'Everyone else here seems to have had their say about our home.

'So I'm going to tell you how it really is,

'from the man who sees everything.'

So, girls, what do you think?

-Top quality, eh?

-You could be in Lord of the Rings.

As a hobbit.

'So what am I like?

'Depends on who you ask.

'Some might say I'm handsome, a work of art.'

Guess what this is?

-A hippo?

-BOTH:

-It's Mike.

'To others, I'm wily and clever.'

You've called your snake Mike?

Isn't that going to get a little bit confusing?

-Mike's just done a poo.

-THEY LAUGH

'A snake? Really, guys?

'I mean, would it be too much to be compared to animal that gets some

'respect, like a lion, or an eagle, or, uh...'

We thought long and hard about who we were going to name him after.

'I think you know what's coming by now.'

-We decided to call him...

-ALL:

-Mike!

LAUGHTER

'I would like to take this opportunity to announce a new rule

'in the house. As and from today,

'no naming of animals after anyone

'with a name beginning with M.'

How about May-Li?

Oh. There's an exception to every rule.

LAUGHTER

'In fact, no more animals, full stop.

'Got that? I've got my hands full keeping you lot fed and watered.'

All right, troops. Let's saddle up!

Let them eat cake, then. Goodnight.

And if you require any room service,

please feel free to call the desk.

But if you do get into trouble,

my door is always open,

even if some of yours aren't.

Mo?!

Lily, please come out.

'So what's my thing?

'What is it that makes me so much fun to live with?

'That keeps Ashdene Ridge running so smoothly?

'Well, I'm good with money.'

-SHE SCOFFS

-Yeah, tight more like.

Oi, shush.

'Especially when, by spending less, we can help save the planet.'

The council's giving an award for the greenest children's home.

So what does the greenest children's home have to do?

All the basic stuff.

You know, like reducing waste.

But I want us to take this to another level.

-Upcycling.

-See, told you - tight.

Fly swatter.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

A funky earring.

A chest wig. LAUGHTER

That is so embarrassing.

So the upcycling challenge is on.

Old junk, new function. Impress me.

'It's amazing how many of you cared about the planet...

'and the upcycling prize that was on offer.'

Yes! The Leaning Tower of Pizza.

GLASS SMASHES

Stop! What's going on?

-Where did you find this?

-The skip down the road.

'Never has the house rallied around a cause more than on that day.'

All of you are joint winners.

-THEY GROAN

-Mike, that's a cop out.

Yeah, I know, here you go.

What is it?

-A potato clock?

-Are we the greenest children's home?

As long as we're the happiest...

that suits me.

Oh, you cringe...

'A selfless display of concern for the planet we all call home.

'I was so proud of each and every one of you.

'Well, almost all of you.'

Oh, no, no, you've upcycled my best vintage shirt!

-LAUGHTER

-It looks way better on Finn.

I bought that in 1988 in a beach shack in Jamaica.

HE GROANS

-Oh, I thought it smelled a bit.

-Oi!

Right, that's it - no more upcycling. Right?

From now on, it's banned.

THEY CHEER

Give me back my shirt!

'OK, so there's more to being green than upcycling.

'It's all about making what we have

go a long way here at Ashdene Ridge,

'which is where my DIY skills come in handy.'

Which lucky lads are going to help me clear out the garage, eh?

No, no, no! HE GRUNTS

TAP SQUEAKS

LOUD RUMBLING

'And although I am a world expert on DIY,

'you will never catch me doing electrics on my own. No way.

'There's one thing I will never compromise on, and that's

'health and safety.'

Can anybody else smell smoke?

It must be the barbecue.

But I haven't lit it yet.

MIKE GROANS

I can't believe you did something so utterly idiotic and dangerous.

-Step off the trampoline now, please. Come on, off you come.

-What?

Look at the rust, it's lethal. Come on.

-MAY-LI:

-Sorry, kids. It might look safe to you,

but we just can't risk it.

'That's another one of my things -

'the effortless respect of all the young people in my care.'

JAUNTY MUSIC

'It's typical that it was at this moment the council decided to call

'a snap health and safety inspection.

'If only the inspectors had come on a normal day.

'Sadly, there are no normal days at Ashdene Ridge.'

Thank you so much for coming.

This is Billy.

Poor Billy - he's had a fatal accident,

unfortunately, so he can't do any bouncing.

He tripped over our massive, hairy dog and fell all the way

down the stairs.

Kids, let me introduce the health and safety inspector.

'Luckily, Finn's leg looked a lot worse than it was.'

It's not the first time you made a meal out of an injury, is it, Finn?

It really hurt.

'Something really serious happening to one of you lot is probably one of

'my worst fears. And, believe me,

'I know how fragile life can be.'

-HE GROANS

-Are you OK?

Yeah.

'Even though I put a brave face on it,

'some of you guessed something was up.'

Look...I'm fine. All right?

Whatever it is, you can tell us.

All right. I-I didn't want you guys to...

-HE YELPS

-Mike!

-Whoa!

'But you know me - I'm never one to make a fuss. It's not my thing.'

Um...

What did the doctor say?

Turns out...I've got a kidney stone.

A kidney stone? That's nothing.

THEY LAUGH Oi.

Stop sniggering at the front.

And at the back. May-Li?!

'You'll be pleased to hear I pulled through in the end.

I'm going to be just fine.

THEY CHEER

HE GROANS Oh, careful, it hurts!

'That was a bad day...for a bit.

'But it was nothing compared to the day when I thought I was going to

'have to leave Ashdene Ridge forever.'

What are you looking for?

Oh, Carmen's file. I could see how busy you are,

I thought I'd update it.

-Where is it?

-It's in my car.

-It's in your car?

-Yeah.

Mike, those files aren't allowed outside the house.

'I'd taken Carmen's personal file home to work on.

'Having it stolen was a massive professional breach of conduct.

'Worst of all, I'd let Carmen down.'

I want to report Mike.

It was my file that got stolen in the car,

and now it's gone!

You're going to need to speak to head office.

'What happened next was inevitable.

'I was suspended.'

So you're leaving?

For the time being, yes.

'Leaving Ashdene Ridge like that was the worst day of my life.

'But I'd lost the files and that was that.

'I would accept whatever the disciplinary board decided.

'Luckily for me,

'there were some of you who didn't give up so easily.'

Look at this. Carmen.

That's MY file. What's it doing over here?

Mike was sure it was in the car.

But if it was here all along, Mike's done nothing wrong.

Come on!

'If you do wrong in life,

'there are consequences, I know that.

'But I learned something else that day -

'I'm lucky enough to have people in my life who will look out for me.'

What on earth?

Guys! Guys, what are you doing?!

-You've got to see this.

-No.

-It's the file that Mike thought was stolen

from his car. It's been at the office back at the care home.

We've only just found it.

'It's amazing how Carmen's file turned up like that.'

Y-You mean I can keep my job?

THEY CHEER

'That day showed me what Ashdene Ridge is all about.

'It's more than a care home to me,

'it's family.

You are...

my family.

Got a minute, Mike?

Um, do you have a clean hanky?

Mike, stop footering.

So I said I'd talk to you cos I know you so much better than she does.

First date, eh? Don't worry, they're going to love you.

This is your allowance.

You're very good at explaining things.

Hey!

Johnny, no. Johnny, no.

Can't you see what he's doing?

-As per usual.

-'Oh, yeah, people shouting at each other.

'I'd only just got on to family.'

Tyler, stop!

Tyler!

With family, you can't have the ups without the downs.

And even I, a paragon of self-control,

sometimes, occasionally, get angry.

Mad, even.

You do not want me even angrier than I am now.

Some of us have to keep this place running!

I don't suppose you ever think about that, do you?

This house, i-it's built on trust.

You are so busted, young lady.

And whoever is responsible has precisely

five minutes to own up or you are all grounded.

-All of us?

-And chores are doubled.

-But that's not fair.

-Trebled.

-Mike.

-Quadrupled.

We're not done here.

Stop pretending to care.

It's embarrassing.

We do care.

You are paid to care.

Sasha!

Despite what some people think,

this is much more than just a job.

Some of the best days we have here

are when new residents come to stay.

Hello, girls.

Hey, Chloe.

I'm Mike. Mike Milligan.

This is going to be your very own room.

Meeting a young person for the first time,

finding out what makes them tick, I love it.

It's the goings I find harder.

Goodnight...for the last time, Michael Milligan.

Goodnight for the last time, Gus Carmichael.

'No matter how many times you say goodbye,

'it never gets any easier.

'But I've found ways of dealing with it over the years.'

It's Tracy.

Yeah. Lily, Luke,

Liam and Frank.

And all of the other kids who've been in my care down the years.

Some of whom have got kids of their own now.

For me, each goodbye is a new beginning.

Got you something. MIKE LAUGHS

There's an old Irish blessing -

"May the windows be at your back,

"and may the sun always shine warm upon your face...

"..and may you never lose your keys."

That's so you don't lose your very own house keys.

-And for good luck.

-Thank you.

Come on. Come here.

THEY SOB

I'm really going to miss you two.

I'm going to miss you, too.

Go on away, the pair of you, before I start blubbing like a baby.

So when you've all left Ashdene Ridge and moved on with your lives,

where does that leave me?

The real me?

Well, some of you have taken it upon yourselves to ensure

that old Mike Milligan doesn't pop his clogs alone and unloved.

-What's Sian doing here?

-She's having lunch with you.

-Hi.

-Hi.

If I'd known you were coming, I'd have got dressed up.

I'd just like to state now for the records that,

grateful as I am for your concern,

I don't need any help with my love life,

thank you very much. I'm as smooth as they come.

That was spectacular.

I may never eat again.

That's a shame, cos I was going to ask you out for dinner.

-I told you he liked you.

-THEY LAUGH

I mean, come on.

Who could resist me? I'm a catch, I tell you.

I can dance, for a start.

Watch and learn.

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

Say hello to the boogaloo.

I'm down with the kids.

Bit like being back at Glastonbury!

'Heck, I can even play an instrument.'

'Rock and roll, baby!

'If that doesn't turn a not-so-young lady's head, nothing will.

And that's me, Mike, signing off.

If you disagree with any of it, put a note in the suggestions box.

Hey! I think I did a pretty good job, don't you?

-Camera loves me.

-Uh, Mike?

Did you forget to switch the camera off?

MUSIC: Step Back In Time by Kylie Minogue

THEY GASP AND LAUGH

-MAY-LI:

-Michael Milligan! Oh, wow.