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-This is going to be the most fun!
-I've been thinking about it all week.
-Why, what's going on?
-What's going on?
It's the final of Find Me A Star tomorrow night.
-Oh, what do you know?
-Whatever. As long it's finished by 7.30.
Yes, football. It's England.
You know THE England against Portugal match.
-It's a friendly, not even a real match.
-And we've bagsied the TV.
You can't bagsy the TV when there's an England match on.
Well, we did.
You're going to have to work it out. What can I say?
Can't we get another telly?
With what, exactly?
I don't know. Emergency fund?
There is no emergency fund. We can't afford an emergency fund.
And even if there was an emergency fund...
All right, I get it.
-We bagsied it first. Tell them it's ours.
-True, we did bagsy it first...
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE MIKE WHISTLES FOR ATTENTION
Obviously we're going to have to settle it the old-fashioned way.
May I introduce the ancient arts of debate
and compromise, huh?
How about rock-paper-scissors?
I'm not giving up Find Me A Star on a coin toss.
Well, you're going to have to work this out amongst yourselves.
I might like to add that I was very much looking forward to watching
a nature documentary tomorrow night on the
Painted Dogs Of The Okavango.
But I am willing to go along with the majority decision.
-But they didn't bagsy the TV, we did.
-They're not getting it.
Such is a democracy.
Harry? Singers, dancers and a stand-up comedian
-that's probably better than me.
-Harry, you don't want to, Harry.
Come on, Harry. Come on!
THEY TALK AT ONCE
Floss. You cute little Flossy.
Floss, surely you want to watch the talent show. Right?
-Right, Floss, if you vote for the football now,
-we'll take you out for pizza.
Watch Find Me A Star and we'll take you for pizza and cake.
No, Floss, ice cream, ice cream.
-We'll buy you a tub of ice cream.
-That might not be such a good idea.
Not unless you like cleaning up sick.
Floss. Flossy - pizza, ice cream and my bracelet
any time you want to borrow it.
-No, Floss. No, Floss.
-Find Me A Star!
-6-5 to us.
Floss, we would've bought you one.
Right, come on, Mo.
There's singing, dancing.
I don't know anything about football.
That's perfect, just come to our team then.
But I've never watched a talent show before.
-So come over here, Mo.
We'll tell you everything you want to know.
Put Mo down as undecided, then.
That's not fair, because they're winning and he's got a vote left.
He doesn't have to be on either team.
What's the point of voting? It's well out of order.
-Well, don't I get a vote?
-You want to vote?
-Yeah, I want to watch the football.
That's six votes each, so great - nobody wins.
-Mike hasn't voted yet.
-Yeah, you weren't here, Tee.
-I voted for the Painted Dogs Of The Okavango.
All right, all right. We need a decider. A competition.
Team Talent versus Team Football. Winner watches their show.
Touch The Telly. You have to have one hand on the telly or you're out.
So write this down - one hand on TV...
at all times.
-Oi, hold on. What about loo breaks?
-No, five, I think five.
-Just don't drink as much.
-Three. If they still need the loo after that,
-they better go on the floor.
-Don't you dare.
OK, but we're going to time the loo breaks, right?
How long does it take to get to the loo from here?
-It takes ages.
The fastest time to the loo and back is 1 minute 38 seconds.
-How do you know that?
Rick and I did time trials a while back.
-Are you being serious?
We were bored!
-OK. So let's round it up to two minutes then, yeah?
-Give you time to wash your hands.
And all the other Ashdene rules apply.
Football! Football! Football!
Talent! Talent! Talent!
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
"FIND ME A STAR" PLAYS ON TV
FOOTBALL MATCH PLAYS
THEY KEEP CHANGING CHANNELS
-I've got some drinks.
-I've got my energy bars.
Are you sure we need this much?
So, we can read as long as we're near the telly?
No, Floss, your hand has to be on the TV at all times.
So is someone going to read to us?
-No, Floss. We're all going to be doing our own thing.
Give her ten minutes.
Floss. Floss, that's the whistle. Floss, come on,
there's only five minutes and I really need to go!
All right! Everybody ready?
Five, four, three, two, one...
Here we go.
Whose stupid idea was this?
This is a really stupid idea!
There you go.
Frank, don't join in, they're going to get hungry later on.
Yeah, they are.
Hey - what do you think of a stand-up comedy act where the guy does
a contortionist thing while his hand's still on the TV at all times?
-Does a what thing?
-You know, all that weird bendy stuff
-with his arms and legs.
-Sounds a bit mad, Tyler.
Even for you, mate.
-No, look, I can do it.
Oh. He's going to fall.
Yeah, I think it needs to be a bit more clever than that, really.
-And not totally naff.
-All right, then. Watch this.
Tyler, watch out!
-You're out, mate!
-What are you doing?
-You dufus, we've only been going two minutes.
You are disqualified!
One down! One down!
Can't believe it. I'm really sorry, guys.
OK. So, Team Talent have five people remaining.
But Team Football have six people remaining.
Football, football, football!
MUSIC: "Boom Blast" by Wiley
Right, you horrible lot. Food's up.
Mo - go and eat with Tyler.
I'll hold the fort and then I must be off.
spaghetti with...special sauce?
Mike, just please bring it in now - we're so hungry.
Sorry, but if you want to eat you'll have to do it at the table.
You know we can't do that!
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
I am not having 11 portions of spaghetti dribbled all over
the carpet. Not to mention down the back of the television.
Yeah, right, sorry about that. But them's the rules.
I can't believe it!
What are you doing?
You'd better get another plate ready.
Cos Frank's going to start chewing Rick's arm any minute.
Right, Frank, come on, mate. Focus, yeah.
What's more important - England or your stomach?
Oh, that is not fair!
Guys, I'm getting seriously worried about Frank.
Just think, Frank - live goals. Live England goals.
You got anything in that bag?
-I've got cake but I was saving it for later.
-Yeah, bring it out.
But I've not got much left.
Look, it's not a favour for me. Do it for the footie.
-We need anything we can get.
And then there's special sauce.
Ah, but now I can open up shop.
You're a bit young to run a shop Frank.
And besides, there isn't any room.
No, Mo, it just means selling stuff.
I can smell a scam!
Well, they are going to run out of sweets very quickly.
And then they're going to be hungry.
Nice. But where do we get the supplies?
Oh, I've got my ideas.
THEY START TO ARGUE
No fizzy drinks! That's guaranteed to make go to the toilet.
-It's the bubbles.
-I like the bubbles.
Well, you can't have the bubbles. Because it makes you pee.
Uh-uh. Get your own!
I don't want my own.
I just don't want you going to the toilet in 20 minutes.
Right, can we, er, stop talking about the toilet, please?
Can't you wait any longer?
Look, I can understand Floss not being able to handle it,
you know, cos she's six.
Did you drink a load of water before we started?
Er... Hydration's important.
-Mike's secret stash!
With this, I'm going to make a profit -
and then replace them before he even finds out.
< Mo, I need a loo break!
Wait! Don't move yet, I haven't started the timer.
Was that Johnny?
1 minute 37.
You're as mad as a box of frogs.
Er, guys, the stairs are booby-trapped.
-What have you been doing?
Anyway, guys, I've got some sweets finely priced for all of you.
-Can I have some?
THEY ALL BEG
All right, all right. I'll be back for your orders.
-Give the man a chance.
-I need a loo break.
What is up with you lot?
Watch the stairs!
SHE RATTLES DOOR HANDLE
Mike! Mike, let me out, help me!
< Mike, help!
SHE BANGS ON DOOR
Mike? Come and let me out!
Er, how did you manage that?
I didn't do it! It was Tyler. I totally know it was him.
Don't panic, we'll get you out.
-I'm going to run out of time!
I don't have 30 seconds, Mike. Mike, unfair!
Where have you been!?
The door handle came off.
Mo, was that more than two minutes?
Um. Four minutes and 14 seconds more than two minutes.
So, er, you're disqualified.
You set me up.
Don't have a go at me just cos you're clumsy.
The bathroom was falling apart anyway. I didn't touch it.
-He's a liar!
To be honest, there's quite a few things round here need fixing.
Mike! I'm not putting up with a dirty tricks campaign here.
Quite right. May-Li has spoken, there will be no dirty tricks.
Even though Tyler has assured us that this one wasn't.
It's all right.
But if you want to play dirty...
OK, well, I'm looking forward to watching whatever it is
with the winners tomorrow night. You're in charge?
I'm leading by example here.
If the phone goes you'll have to get one of the lads to answer it.
Yeah. No problem.
Well, good night to you all.
Well, well, well, look at that -
phone rings almost immediately after Mike mentions it.
Don't worry, I'll get it.
Hang on, you'll have to take it as a loo break.
It's OK, I've got it sorted.
Hello, Ashdene Ridge?
'Er, hello there?'
Hello. Can I help?
'I was just wondering if I could have the...
'deep pan lunch special with a bottle of cola...'
I can't believe you're still hungry, Tyler.
You've just had that massive plate of spaghetti.
Tyler, that is just pathetic.
I'm so sorry, did you think I'd have to answer it in the office?
'Sorry, er, can't hear you. Bye!'
He's such an idiot.
What about listening to some music?
Yeah, good luck getting everyone to agree on what.
I could do with some music. What have we got?
Anything's fine. Harry, put the radio on, will you?
Bring it up.
-Yeah, put on Vaz FM.
ARGUING OVER RADIO
I want something that's kind of like deep house.
You want something?
-We're not listening to the news, I'm sorry.
I'm bored. See you later.
Floss? What just happened?
Should I time her?
Has she just walked? Floss! Come back here!
SHOUTING AND LAUGHING
I thought you were selling those.
They're desperate in there.
I was waiting till they were desperate.
And then they won't worry
about the price.
Frank, that's just, like, evil.
Mike won't be happy when he knows your selling his sweets.
I'll buy him some more tomorrow.
Just keep the profit.
Oh, thank you.
Awesome! Special sauce.
Well, if you don't want any...
Here we go.
Where did you get the sweets from?
A...friend of a friend.
RUNNING WATER SOUND
What is that?
What are you doing?!
Oh, this? I thought it might be relaxing.
Mo, start the clock.
Get away from us with that thing!
Please turn it off.
RUNNING WATER CONTINUES
PHONE BEEPS, RUNNING WATER STOPS
That really didn't help me at all.
Right, that is it! No more cheating, OK?
Carmen's right. My team, my team - be strong.
No-one else needs to go, OK?
You big cheat!
You can talk! Fair's fair, Tyler.
It was an accident.
Mo's the adjudicator.
That is not fair!
It's the special sauce!
Right, everyone, out that front door.
Wait for me outside and don't come back in for anything.
OK, we should go.
-I think we should definitely go.
-Yeah. But then the game's over.
Um, well, I have a suggestion.
That was me - I forgot all about it.
You should never leave the pan on and walk away, Jody!
Well, you've learned something and so have I.
Guys, what are you all still doing here?
-I thought I told you to get out.
-No, no, we were leaving,
we just didn't want to give up on the competition.
Your safety's more important here.
I mean, that could have been really serious in there.
If this contest means I can't keep you guys safe
I'm just going to have to call it off.
It doesn't mean that! We were trying to be safe, honest.
May-Li, it's my fault. I'm the one that left the pan on.
Please don't stop the competition just because of me.
All right, fine.
The contest goes ahead, but I can't participate any more, OK?
You're disqualified anyway!
Look, no more pranks, yeah?
Tyler, clear the stuff up on the stairs.
Jody, the kitchen needs cleaning and airing out,
and, er, I think I'm just
going to keep an eye on the place from now on.
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
DOOR OUTSIDE CREAKS AND CLOSES
-What are you doing?
-What are YOU doing?
I'm going downstairs.
Then I'm going downstairs, too.
(Don't do it.)
(It's all right. Who'll know?)
Harry, mate, you're out.
Oh, he's not the only one.
You're out, sweetheart.
Isn't that a bit premature, Jody?
I don't think so.
Too tired to argue.
-Oh, morning, Mike.
Erm, what's that smell?
Oh, yeah, I burnt some toast.
Can you move around a bit?
Oh, stop banging on, will you?
Tee. Wake up.
Are those the sweets I bought for Halloween last year?
Oh, erm, Mike, I was just...
It wasn't last year - it was the year before.
Are they all right? I was going to throw them in the bin.
Two-year-old sweets and you were selling them to us for a quid.
How many more times, Johnny?
Can you stand over there and stop elbowing me?
I didn't elbow you, all right? Calm down.
This is your elbow, right? And this is what you're doing with it.
-What are you doing?
-I'm showing you how annoying it is.
-Guys, come on.
Here, how do you like it, eh?
We won! Yes! We won!
I did it! I won!
-Team Tyler! Team Tyler! Team Tyler!
-There you are.
Nice try, though.
-Happy now, are we?
Taking my pound!
Sorry, mate, but I did think it was genius for a while.
You promise we can flick over to the football during the adverts?
Yes! Calm down.
MUSIC STARTS ON TV
My team always wins.
-I'm not watching this, no way!
-Shut up, it's good.
TV ANNOUNCER: 'It's Doris and her amazing dancing dog!
'All the way from Stirling, the man with the magic lips,
'Pete and his pan pipes.'
'Brave contortionist, the man with the elastic arms...'
'..and a young man with a beautiful voice...'
-'The dogs have not fed today.
'Their favourite meal, the impala, are gathering at the water hole...'