How to Be Perfect The Dumping Ground

THUD!

DOG WHINES

Psst!

Did you hear it, too?

Joseph, don't do that.

-There's someone down there.

-Huh?

-Burglars.

-As if.

RATTLING DOWNSTAIRS

See? I'm going to make a citizen's arrest.

Are you crazy?

-HE SIGHS

-Come on.

Someone was here.

DOOR CLOSES UPSTAIRS

Upstairs.

Shh.

SNORING

We snuck downstairs into the office.

We saw a torch.

The computer was on. It was so freaky.

Right, this is Archibald Jeremiah Able,

or Archie to his mates.

He's going to be staying with us for a little while, and, er, Mo,

he's going to be bunking in with you.

Able by name, able by nature.

So, there were three of them, maybe more.

I think one of them had an axe.

I would have arrested them, but...I ran out of Sellotape.

What are you talking about?

Monster zombie burglars. They broke in here last night.

See ya!

No, no, no, no, there are no monsters, no zombies, no burglars,

no sign of forced entry.

This isn't about someone breaking in,

this is about someone stealing my office keys and sneaking downstairs.

-Is anything missing?

-Files from the office.

Not any about you, though.

Older ones, from before half of you came.

-But why would anyone want them?

-That's what I would like to know,

and whoever is responsible has precisely five minutes to own up

or you are all grounded.

-All of us?

-And chores are doubled.

-That's not fai...

-Trebled!

-Mike...

-Quadrupled!

-Nobody else say anything!

This is serious.

Five minutes.

I mean it.

What's in there?

What's it got to do with you?

I was up all night last night, but for some reason,

you're the one that's yawning. Why is that?

I just need my sleep. I think I'm in the middle of a growth spurt.

DEEPLY: Look how deep my voice is.

Hey! No! Get off!

Bailey!

Look, it's Tyler's. I caught him trying to hide the evidence.

No, wait!

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER

See? I wasn't anywhere near the office.

Look, I'm just a bit tired, because I wasn't in my room.

I was in the garage...

..trying to learn how to dance.

LAUGHTER

Why?

Well, there's this junior disco thing

at the community centre tonight and...

well...

There's this girl.

ALL: Oooh!

She has flashing heels in her shoes and everything.

Couldn't it wait till morning?

Well, I didn't want anyone else knowing!

You should have come to me.

I'd have helped you. You've helped me.

I don't need your help. This is all your fault.

Me? I think we're both in the wrong, here.

How do you make that out?

Well, it takes two to tango.

LAUGHTER

Ignore them, I'll teach you.

Look, do this.

-Wow!

-ALL: Whooo!

Hey, don't go waltzing off!

LAUGHTER

Right, your five minutes is almost up.

Say hello to quadruple chores and get used to these four walls.

You can't do that!

-THEY ALL SHOUT

-Five...four...three...two...

-Someone own up!

-It was me!

It was me.

I didn't mean to do any harm.

No-one was meant to find out.

I just wanted to read them, that's all.

But why?

I've worked out what I need to do to stay in this country.

I need to get myself adopted.

I spent every day waiting...

..for my father to walk through the door

or for my solicitor to call with the decision

on my application for asylum.

But my father never comes.

And the solicitor never calls.

We can't begin to imagine how hard that is.

But you have to be patient.

-You do.

-Why?

If I get adopted, my wait will be over

and I'll definitely be allowed to stay.

Finding adoptive parents is really hard.

I know. That is why I took the files of the chosen ones.

Everyone who's ever been here and been picked.

I wanted to know what they did, so I can do it, too.

They didn't do anything.

No, they must have.

Kazima, as you get older, adoption becomes less and less likely

and, even if it does happen,

it's normally with someone who you've known for a very long time.

I'm sorry, but this isn't something you should set your heart on.

Come on, Mischief. Time for a walk...

-Have you seen Mischief?

-No.

We're going to forget everything that's happened,

just this once, right?

But...

we expect better from you, Kaz.

I mean, we really do, right?

I thought, if I could be perfect...

..maybe someone might want me...

..but I don't suppose anyone can ever really be perfect, can they?

No.

But to get adopted,

you don't have to be perfect for everyone,

just one person in particular,

and there are loads of people out there.

I mean, just cos something's unlikely

doesn't mean it's impossible.

Everyone needs to keep believing.

I knew it! Why waste your time with a dance manual

when you live with a dancing queen?

SHE SINGS A TUNE

Do you really think you can help me?

Of course. For five shiny pounds.

-Get lost!

-I suppose I could add a complimentary hair band

and a certificate.

What have you done with him?

-With who?

-With Mischief.

He's not in my room, he's not down there and he's not in the garden.

This is you trying to get back at me, isn't it?

I haven't touched him!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! He's probably just got out again.

-You sure, yeah?

-Yeah.

Mischief!

Because it's you, I'll make it £4.50.

SHE SIGHS

HEROIC THEME

Hi-yah!

Yah!

Oh!

What are you doing?

Rollerblading.

It's one of my favourite things to do in the whole world.

Well, you've never seemed to mention that before.

What? I talk about it all the time.

I'm highly skilled at it.

Oh! It's just been a while, that's all,

but I remember seeing these in the attic and I couldn't keep away from

-them any longer.

-Hey, when I was your age,

I was Merseyside's under-15s rollerblading champion.

-Wow.

-Yeah, yeah, look it up on the internet.

There's a picture of me with the trophy and everything.

Did rollerblading even exist back then?

Yes, Sasha. Yes, it did.

Although, there were no roads back then, so, you know,

it was just hard to find somewhere to do it.

-Are you feeling OK after your talk with Mike?

-Of course.

It was a stupid idea and I'm going to go to the shops, if that's OK

with you, May-Li. There are a few things I'd like to get

to make up for what I did.

-You know you don't have to.

-I know, but I want to.

Argh!

CRASH!

I'm OK.

Hey!

I know that Floss can be a bit full-on,

but Jody really wants to teach you.

She was well up for it.

Are you kidding me? Jody's an amazing dancer.

I don't want her knowing I'm a terrible one.

Tyler, I think she already knows that!

Maybe I could teach you a few steps.

I want to get better, not worse!

How can YOU teach me?

MUSIC: Disco Inferno by The Trammps

Watch and learn!

Say hello...

to the Boogaloo!

The Funky Chicken!

The Mashed Potato!

MUSIC STOPS

Oh, teach me, Master, teach me!

GONG CHIMES

Dinner is served!

Hold on to that shimmy.

# Burn, baby, burn... #

That's it! Come on, shake it!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Come on!

MISCHIEF WHINES

I'm sorry, Mischief, I'm going to leave you now

and I need you to be really, really quiet.

No woofing, more chomping.

Bye, Mischief.

-Hey, where's Bailey?

-He's looking for Mischief.

-He got out again.

-Oh, he should have said.

I mean, we'd have gone with him, right?

-What's that?

-An old family favourite.

It's called Scouse.

What, you used to have that in Somalia?

Regularly.

-Isn't this a Liverpool thing?

-Is it?

Well, yeah, it's called Scouse. Did you used to have that, May-Li?

I did, actually, yeah. My Nana used to make it all the time.

Oh, so it's your favourite thing, too?

Oh, well... No, not really, Kaz.

Had it that much that, erm...I'm kind of put off it for life now.

Sorry.

SPLAT!

Oh, Mischief!

Finn's undercrackers!

Give them! MISCHIEF WHINES

HE SNIFFS

Mischief! Couldn't you hold it for a few more minutes?!

Do I look like someone who carries a pooper-scooper?

Ugh!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hey, let me in.

Access is for permit holders only.

I don't need a permit.

This is my room, too.

Look, I'm not feeling that great.

Terrible, in fact, and I don't want you to catch it.

Do you need to see a doctor?

No, I just think it's one of those 24-hour bugs.

What's that smell?

Oh, it'll be a while until I eat that Scouse again.

Mike!

OK... Lesson one.

MUSIC: Disco Inferno by The Trammps

Warming up.

-FINN:

-Mike!

I want a new room now!

MUSIC STOPS

One moment.

HE SIGHS

Have you had a nice walk?

Have you settled down a bit? Take a bit of time for yourself.

Have a read of those magazines.

-Have a seat, quickly.

-What are we doing?

-Movie afternoon.

-What's that?

-We're watching Dirty Dancing.

Oh, my favourite film ever!

Well, if no-one else is keen, I don't mind.

-We can still watch it together, can't we?

-Yeah!

-Er, I'm in.

Hey, throw in a trip to the garden centre, too,

and this would just about be my perfect afternoon.

-Ooh, I'll get the popcorn.

-OK.

Kaz, you don't like that film. You've never even seen it.

And you don't have Scouse in Somalia and,

to be honest, you're not a highly skilled rollerblader, are you?

-Why would she say she was if she wasn't?

-She wants something.

Something off May-Li.

Do you?

Kaz, she can't help you with your asylum application, no-one can.

There's nothing that she can do to help you stay in the country.

Yes, there is.

-What?

-May-Li could adopt her.

Archie, all right, you're new here,

but there's no way that Kaz would ever think that that could happen.

Hey!

Finn tells me you're in a bad way.

I'm fine now. I thought it was one of those 24-hour bugs,

but it turned out to be a 24-minute one.

Right.

There you go, sorted.

You all right?

That just doesn't happen.

Well, maybe it's time it did.

It was May-Li who gave me the idea.

I don't have to be perfect for everyone, just for her.

But she's already got a family.

Exactly, and now she knows how much we have in common,

she would have to worry about how I fit into it.

But you don't have anything in common, cos you just lying.

It's OK for you,

no-one's going to put you on a plane and send you anywhere.

If May-Li says yes, everything will be OK.

Yes to what?

Mike said that, if you get adopted at my age,

it's more likely to be someone you already know, remember?

-Yeah.

-Well, who better than you?

Oh, Kaz...

I'm not looking for a new parent.

I'm looking for someone who's willing to make an arrangement.

Many years ago, someone in your family was just like me.

They came here to start a new life.

Will you help me do the same?

Listen, lad.

-MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY

-May-Li's adopting Kazima!

-What?!

-Mike!

Today is no longer a day for dancing.

Oh!

Oh! Joseph, I'm not in the mood.

You will be. I've got Mischief.

-Huh?

-Bailey was mean to you, so I thought I'd get him back for you.

By kidnapping his dog?

-Are you out of your mind?

-I thought you'd be happy.

Well, I'm not.

You won't be happy about the ransom note, then, either.

I said I'd think about it, that's all.

Do you think it's never crossed my mind

to pick one of the kids and take them home?

I might be able to sort all their problems out,

not just one or two.

-What are they saying?

-Shh!

So why haven't you?

Because we have a responsibility to each and every one of them.

-Finn?

-I'm not sharing with Joseph any more.

-I'm moving.

-To where?

We can't just make a choice.

-We can't turn our backs on the rest.

-But I'm not.

-What are they saying?

-I don't know, cos you keep talking.

Mike said they can't choose between us.

-Well, he's right.

-But they don't have to.

This is about me and no-one else.

What is?

Do you have any idea what effect this could have on the others?

-They'll come round.

-You think so?

-They always do.

Look, I promised Kazima I would think about it...

-..and that's what I'm going to do.

-Yes!

I don't think it's fair.

If May-Li's in the market for more kids,

why doesn't she adopt us instead?

No, me.

Do you think she'd have room for me, too?

I'm only little. I can squeeze in almost anywhere.

I'm sorry, but I asked first.

-You're all too late.

-So? Maybe she's still open for offers.

Yeah. And if you can make it seem like you're perfect for her,

why can't we, too?

"Dear Bailey, I have Mischief,

"so you'd better start being nice to people or else the dog gets it.

"Regards, the Dognapper.

"PS, I'm really sorry to have done this to you,

"but don't worry about it. It'll be fine."

I spent three hours looking for him, up and down streets, even in parks.

Where is he? Hmm?

-Mischief!

-Are you lot trying to wind me up?

I swear he was here.

He must have gone through here now.

-He took my hat and glasses!

-Joseph!

If you lot don't find him, your lives won't be worth living, yeah?

You have to help me. They can't do this.

Why? They've all got as much reason to want May-Li as a mum as you have.

Guys, guys, Mischief's got out!

-We know.

-Yeah, for real this time.

Mike, please help me find Mischief.

Is she still missing? All right, come on, if we all go looking,

we stand a much better chance.

Don't look at me, I've still got a movie afternoon.

May-Li, can I speak to you, please?

Not now, Kaz.

It's £2.73, it's all I've got.

OK, then I still add in the certificate.

Whoa! Before you go to that disco, we need to boost your confidence.

Watch.

MUSIC: You'll Never Walk Alone by Gerry And The Pacemakers

Where did you get that?

It's Bailey's.

But why are you wearing it? You don't support them.

I do now.

No, you don't, you're just pretending to, because May-Li does.

So? You were pretending, too.

She can't adopt the both of us.

Then I hope she picks me.

Come on, boy!

Mischief, where are you? Come on!

Mischief!

Argh! I don't have the time!

Mischief!

Come on, boy, Mischief!

Mischief!

Come on, boy.

What are you doing?

-We're gardening. We love it.

-Since when?

Since we found out it was a great way to get a mum.

May-Li doesn't need to go to the garden centre.

We brought the garden centre to her.

Have you pulled them up from our garden?

No, not ours.

Next door's.

You have to put them back.

What? And let May-Li adopt you instead? Pfft!

LEAF BLOWER BUZZES LOUDLY

Mr! Mr!

Have you seen a dog?

-You what, mate?

-Have you seen a dog?

-No, sorry.

-How about a bike?

-No, sorry, mate, I've not seen it.

Give me them back!

Whoa!

I knew it was a long shot for May-Li to adopt me.

I've only been here 368 minutes.

Do you ever take that thing off?

Don't know how long I'll be staying.

It may not be worth it.

I tend to move around.

Do you have a mother or father?

A grandparent? A brother or sister?

I'm unique. Collectable.

Do you have a dad?

What's he like?

He's...the best dad anyone can ever hope for.

WHISTLING

No sign?

And my bike's gone, too!

What?

Have you made a decision yet?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I have.

Because you're wrong, Mike.

I mean, the others have been absolutely fine.

-May-Li!

-Oh! Oh?

Joseph?

"Dear Joseph, if you don't stop stealing people's pets,

"your bike's going to get it.

"Regards, the Bikenapper."

What have I done, Mike?

It doesn't matter.

The important thing now is what you're going to do.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Bailey!

-Yeah, I saw you going into the shed with him,

so I thought I'd let you spend this afternoon feeling how I was feeling.

-I, erm...probably deserved it.

-Yeah, there is no "probably", mate.

I'm sorry.

I felt bad for Tyler.

-Yeah? Why?

-Because you laughed at him.

Come on, Tyler's, like, the worst dancer in the world.

Tyler?

Are you kidding me?

There you go, Mischief.

Goodbye.

Kaz.

We really need to talk.

Yes, we do.

Because I don't want you to adopt any more.

-What?

-I should never have asked you.

I was forgetting what I already have

and, the truth is, we need you as much as each other.

She's right. Don't adopt us either.

-Yeah.

-Or me.

I'd like to withdraw my interest, too.

Prepare to be amazed.

What are you going to do?

Wait. Everyone needs to keep believing, don't they?

-Oh, Mischief's back!

-It's like he's never been away.

Kazima, your solicitor is on the phone.

That's embarrassing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dumping Dancing!

MUSIC: I've Had The Time Of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes

# Because I've had the time of my life... #

NEEDLE SCRATCH AND MUSIC STOPS

I want my money back!

I'm never going to impress the girl with the flashy heels now.

I want my certificate back and that's the last time I can do this!

Well, it started off well.

Are you OK?

They've made a decision.

And what did they say?

I'm staying.

I'm staying!

How do you feel?

Perfect.

CHEERING