The Wardrobe The Dumping Ground

MEXICAN STANDOFF-STYLE MUSIC

Right.

Kazima's out. Next one...

Tyler?

Do you want to swap cards with someone?

Bit of a no-brainer, if you ask me.

Ryan?

Yeah. I'll swap with...

Finn likes dinosaurs, don't you?

They...are...brilliant!

-Ryan.

-What?

That doesn't make sense. Mike, he's a cheat.

Sorry. Looks like you're staying here as well.

Two down.

-One to go.

-This is your fault. Thanks, mate(!)

The replacement wardrobe will be dropped off

in the next half an hour or so.

-Yeah?

-We'll sort it for you.

May-Li will be here to help. She's only popped out for a few minutes.

I need to try and beat the traffic.

But you can't leave us here without a carer.

I'm not. She's on her way.

She'll be a few seconds at the most.

Now...

This wardrobe, I need to warn you.

It may be old,

but it's cursed.

Yeah, and we're the three-year-olds that believe that(!)

I want to hear it, even if you don't.

Seriously,

whoever owns this wardrobe has to be kind to his fellow man,

otherwise...

I don't want to tell you what could happen.

And you picked us three to get it up these stairs?

No, Kaz, the cards picked you.

Anyway, you'll have help with the wardrobe.

My cousin's nephew's best friend's brother, Manny,

he'll be round later to pick up Kaz's old one, OK?

-Your who?

-It doesn't matter.

What's important is that he's a good guy.

He's dedicated, punctual.

HE SNORES He'll be here before you know it.

MUSIC BLARES

MUSIC STOPS

HE SNORES

Here.

This is the money for you to take the bus down to the dinosaur park.

We'll see you in an hour, tops.

And...

don't...ignore...the curse.

Ryan, Joseph, wardrobe's empty.

Come and help me move it.

Hello?

Ryan?

Joseph?

Come on. Help me.

What did you do that for?

Wardrobe. Remember?

Hang on.

-Where's Joseph?

-No idea.

Joseph?

-What are you doing?

-Ryan told me to do it.

And Ryan's your boss now?

-He said I owed him.

-Using you to get out of his chores.

He won't get away with this.

I wouldn't have to stay behind if it wasn't for him.

-I lost the next round.

-Who cares what you did?

Come on. I need my wardrobe downstairs.

What's in it for me?

You want money? Forget it.

Well, you do it, then. Who wants to go to a stupid dinosaur park anyway?

-I do.

-Yeah, you would.

May-Li's going to be back any second now

and she's going to hear all about this.

We shouldn't be in Ryan's room.

May-Li can sort him out.

I don't think he likes people touching that.

TEXT ALERT

-Give it back.

-After you've helped.

Joseph, where's she hid it?

-I didn't see.

-Look, me grandad won that.

I don't know where it is, I promise.

I'll remember this.

Me, too.

-Left.

-No, right.

I mean my left.

-Girls!

-Sexist!

Stupid.

-What was that?

-Nothing.

-No, I definitely heard something.

-No, you never.

THEY GRUNT

Lift. Ryan, wait.

Move! I'll shove it along the floor.

We're too near the stairs.

Ah! Slow down! It will break that way. It's going to...

Don't you care about anything?

WARDROBE BANGS

There isn't one single scratch on it.

Job's done. Give me the medal back.

No. Job's only half-done.

DOORBELL RINGS

HORN TOOTS

Who's Mike kidding?

Good luck moving that.

That's not a wardrobe, that's a house.

Bigger.

There's no getting that inside.

OK... I think we can.

Joseph, there's no way.

There always is a way. I just need to make a few calculations.

All you have to do is go and finish the ironing.

And where's May-Li anyway?

She's to blame for this, you know, if anyone asks.

You know, it's not Joseph's fault you got left behind.

-Maybe I just don't like him.

-What's he ever done to you?

Look, we all get thrown together, right?

-Yes.

-A lot of the time it works, but sometimes it doesn't.

He just happens to be a pain.

Trust me, you're a much bigger pain.

Good news. Physics says it's movable.

Physics tells ME you're an idiot.

Well, it can't go through the front,

so we'll have to take it round the back.

The back? That's got to be way smaller.

I measured it. It's all about the angles.

OK, good luck with that.

-I'll be in my room. Let me know when it's done.

-I still have your medal.

Remember? It could easily go missing.

You'd really do that?

Only, thinking about it...

I doubt you would.

I'm right, aren't I?

Could you and me do it without Ryan?

Yeah. All we'd need is a set of wheels.

-That's good.

-And, well, the other thing is...

Told you it'd work.

What do we do when we get it inside?

How are we going to get it up the stairs?

That's phase two. Still working on it.

My arms are hurting.

It's too ugly for my room anyway.

Don't say that! It'll hear you.

-The wardrobe?

-Mike said it was cursed, remember?

That's it, easy.

Nice and slow.

Kazima, help! Kazima!

Thank you.

You said it would fit. You said you knew the angles.

I was only out by a bit.

So we moved it round the back for nothing?

It's OK, Joseph. We can't get the wardrobe through either door,

the front or the back, but that's not our fault.

We'll just tell May-Li.

If she ever shows up.

I'll take another look at it, measure it again.

-I might have missed something.

-Look, forget it.

But we can't leave the wardrobe out there.

It's Mike's precious family heirloom.

He won't be happy with us.

Come on! The dinosaurs will be extinct all over again

if you don't hurry up.

-Hang on.

-Joseph!

I'm slightly out.

Oh, really? You don't have to be good at maths to know that.

The feet, they're sticking out too much.

-Keep it steady.

-Why? What are you doing?

The wardrobe's not going to be happy.

It's fine. We'll just glue them back on.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

-We did it!

-We did.

We half did it. We've still got to get it up the stairs.

OK. On three.

One, two...

-All for one and...

-What?

Three Musketeers?

Let's just wait for Manny.

MUSIC: Bad To The Bone by George Thorogood & The Destroyers

MUSIC PLAYS

ENGINE STARTS

We've earned this.

-MasterChef.

-Once Manny comes, we can go and join the others.

-Half the day's already gone.

-Which still leaves the other half.

Ah!

Splinters.

-Does it hurt?

-No.

This is nothing.

I remember one time, back in my country,

I'd gone barefoot on the beach.

Next thing I knew, I'd trodden on this piece of wood.

It was from an ancient boat washed up on the shore.

You mean it sank?

They said that the fishermen who owned the boat

had been hit by a big freak wave.

He was never to be seen again.

Some still say that if you go swimming there now, he'll appear.

And without warning, he'll drag you down to the depths with him.

Ahh!

Got to use that one on Floss.

But what if the wardrobe IS cursed?

-Of course it's not.

-Mike just said that so we could work together.

Maybe we should stick the feet back on.

-Chill with the whole cursed thing, all right?

-But what if it...?

Come on, I'll prove it. Anything to shut you up.

Wardrobe, are you cursed?

Say yes if you are, or remain silent if you're not.

There. See?

-It's stuck.

-Who cares?

It opened before, you both saw it.

I knew it! It's angry.

You took the feet off!

Wait, I've got an idea.

Open sesame.

Joseph...

Joseph...

Not funny, mate.

-What are you doing? Open the door.

-It wasn't us.

What?

-Give it a shove.

-I am.

-Come on.

-Give it a kick.

Open sesame.

Open sesame.

I can't believe you hid me grandad's medal in the wardrobe.

Remember, we can't damage any more of the wardrobe.

-It doesn't like it.

-Did you actually just say that?

Can you explain in any other way?

Hello? Kaz?

Ryan?

Hello?

TINNY MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead

Hello?

Mike?

Door was unlocked. Should know better than that.

Hello?

I'm trapped in the wardrobe.

Hello?

Mike!

I'm in the wardrobe!

MUSIC: Back In Black by AC/DC

Joseph, don't worry.

We'll soon have you out of there.

Ryan?

Yeah.

I see it.

Or rather...

You don't.

Maybe Manny turned up.

If he did, why didn't Joseph shout out to him?

I don't know. We'll have to ask him when we...

Oh! Oh, sorry. Traffic was a nightmare.

Anyway, shopping's in the boot.

-You guys all right?

-All right?

Yeah. You got the wardrobe down in one piece.

At least something's going right today.

-You say that, but...

-Uh! We'll go and get the shopping.

No worries.

OK.

-We're going to be grounded for a year.

-Don't panic, OK?

-PHONE RINGS

-Clear heads, both of us.

It's Joseph. Hello?

He took the wrong wardrobe.

Yes, we spotted that. Don't worry, OK?

-We're coming for you.

-Can you see anything?

Give us some clues.

Maybe high street, but...I can't see a thing.

Don't panic, OK? We'll be right there.

I'm all right. There's plenty of holes, plenty of air.

-And you thought Mike was joking about the curse.

-Come on.

-We should have got along together.

-Kaz, grab a bike.

-Kaz!

-I've never been on one.

-What?

-I don't know what to do.

It's simple. It's just...like...riding a bike.

We're so dead.

Come on.

MUTED MUSIC: Back In Black by AC/DC

Oh...

Come on! Build up the speed, it'll make you go straighter.

I promise.

Come on.

I'm sorry that I kicked you.

Not that it did any good.

I'm sorry about your feet, but they're good kids.

I know Ryan might not seem like he is.

But we're getting along now.

We are. I promise.

So if you could just... open the door.

No.

No!

PHONE RINGS

Kaz!

Joseph...

Wait. I don't know where I am.

I haven't got much battery and I think I can see tower blocks.

Whoa. What...?

They could be going to the Grosvenor estate.

Manny must be dropping off the wardrobe there.

We need more information, Joseph.

Hello, Del. It's Manny.

..Yeah!

Now, listen. I've got this old wardrobe.

It's supposed to be going to charity,

but I think it's worth a few quid.

..Yeah, to me, that is.

It's like that one we picked up in Limerick last year.

..That's the one.

I'll bring it in now.

MUSIC: The Rocker by Thin Lizzy

Wait.

I'm not heading to the Grosvenor estate.

What?

-He's not going to the estate.

-What?!

The docks. Come to the docks.

You seriously need to find me.

And I mean seriously.

HR GROANS WITH FRUSTRATION

He's heading for the docks?

Look, you need to start pedalling faster.

For Joseph.

Hey, wait.

MUTED MUSIC: 2 Minutes To Midnight by Iron Maiden

SHIP'S HORN BLARES

PHONE RINGS

OK, tell us everything you can see.

There's a big ship.

I think it has a Dutch flag.

PHONE BEEPS

No! No, no, no, no, no!

-Hello?

-Oh, come on!

So that's where you hid it!

-What did he say?

-A Dutch flag, that's all I heard.

-What's that look like?

-You're asking me?

HE GROANS WITH FRUSTRATION

Phone Mike.

-He won't get here in time.

-He might know what Manny's truck looks like.

-Do I tell him the truth?

-Well, if you do, we'll both be on a ship.

To Dutch land.

Oh, Mike...

No, everything's good.

We were just waiting for Manny

and we wanted to know what truck we should be looking out for.

SHIP'S HORN BLARES

Noise? Er...

That's just Ryan's video game.

His new shipping game.

HE MOUTHS

OK. Never mind.

That's it. Joseph's gone.

Wait.

He said Dutch flag. Look it up on your phone.

TINNY MUSIC

Ryan and I are best friends.

We are. There's really no need for this.

-Joseph!

-Joseph!

Joseph!

Joseph?

-Where are you, buddy?

-He's your buddy now?

Yeah. Maybe he is.

Just like a screwdriver.

What?

Joseph did shout, but maybe Manny couldn't hear him.

Because he was wearing headphones.

Hey!

Hey!

-Are you Manny? Please tell us you are.

-What?

-Come on!

-The one with the Dutch flag.

-We need help.

No, I said the Dutch flag.

You're too late. It's gone.

Joseph!

Mike is seriously, and I mean seriously, going to kill us.

That's all you can say? We've lost Joseph, you know?

Your new buddy.

We'll get him back once they've found the right container.

I don't know, Ryan. I do know one thing, though.

-What's that?

-That wardrobe was definitely cursed.

We didn't get along properly, and look what happened.

We got along eventually.

-Hey, that's...

-Don't get excited.

That must have fallen out.

-I got out the back. I used the medal as a screwdriver.

-Joseph!

The screws, they finally got easy.

Joseph, we thought we'd lost you.

Don't you ever, ever go near a wardrobe again.

You hear me?

Next time we're asked to do something, we all pitch in...

and all do it together.

What do we tell Mike?

Nothing. Agreed?

-Agreed.

-Agreed.

-Let's go home.

-Yes, please.

And just so you know, there's no such thing as a cursed wardrobe.