Episode 11 The Johnny & Inel Show

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# Splash water on my face To get the sleep out my eyes

# The sun's out shining I'd better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

# Now we've got a show on CBBC

# Sure all of my fans will be out to see me

# Get set, cos the time is here

# Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

# We're doing well as you can tell

-# So here comes the show with Johnny...

-And Inel. #

Oh, my gosh, Sir. You're being so unprofessional right now.

Now, pens and papers at the ready.

Today I will discuss...video games.

CHEERING

Ha ha ha! That's what I'm talking about.

EVIL LAUGHTER

All these colouring pens are mine. Mine, mine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey hey! Yeah! Yeah. Ha ha ha ha!

Hello and welcome to The Johnny And Inel Show, guys,

and we've got another fun-filled, packed episode.

-Isn't that right, Johnny?

-I'm not sure about that.

INEL LAUGHS

Anyway, so we're going to start off with Greet Of The Week.

-Oh, excellent. I thought of one myself this time.

-Oh, nice.

-Yeah, it simply goes like this. Hold out your hand, Inel.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Just goes like that, and there you go.

-That's a formal handshake.

It certainly is. Kids, can you get that?

Oh, they've got it. They look pleased, excellent.

A formal handshake, very useful when in a business situation.

INEL LAUGHS

So anyway, on today 's show, we've got those of sketches,

we've got special guests and...

I'm sorry, but we have none of that any more.

No, no, no. Not after last time.

What do you mean, "Not after last time"?

-Hold on, why are you wearing a suit?

-Did you not get the memo?

-What memo?

-Give this a read.

-What's this?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

"Dear Johnny and Inel, unless you start to get more professional,

"we might be forced to reconsider The Johnny And Inel Show

"on CBBC. Have a great day. Lots of love, the bosses." What's this?

-Yes, Inel, we need to be more serious now.

-Serious?! This is a comedy show.

-Inel, with a great TV show comes great responsibility.

-Huh?

-We need to talk about serious things in a serious way.

-OK.

And you guys better be paying attention

cos there's going to be an exam at the end.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Oh, come on. You can't be serious.

-Deadly serious.

Exams are the only way we know if the kids have been listening or not.

What we have to do is speak to them

and then get them to recite exactly what we've said.

OK, you know what? I'll try it out.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Repeat after me.

# Johnny is a silly billy

ALL: # Johnny is a silly billy. #

Oh, you got it, you got it. Again!

# Johnny is a silly billy

ALL: # Johnny is a silly billy. #

-Oh, yeah, it's working.

-Stop it! No!

-It works, you're right.

-What are you doing, Inel?

-Didn't you hear that?

You obviously weren't listening when I told you about responsibility.

You're using your powers for evil.

You should be acting more responsibly, Inel. Cut to a sketch.

MONSTROUS LAUGHTER

You now have 13 minutes left.

ECHOING VOICE: 'Oh, so hungry.

'I knew I should have had another slice of toast.

'Oh, no! Please, not now!

'I can't stop it. I can't... No, no!'

DEEP RUMBLING

'Oh, I think I got away with it.

"Oh, hang on. Oh, no! Please, not...'

FURTHER RUMBLING

CHILDREN LAUGH

Sir, you sound like you're dying.

LOUDER RUMBLING

CHILDREN LAUGH

Oh, my gosh.

Ha ha! Yes, all right.

Sir's a proper comedian.

-ANOTHER ECHOING VOICE:

-'Hello, I'm here.'

'I'm down here in the drawer. In the drawer!'

'Yes, here I am. Go on. Open me up.'

'I can't, I'm not allowed to eat in class. It's forbidden.'

'They'll never know, go on, just a little nibble. Oh, come on!

-'You're starving.'

-'Stop! Please, stop it! Must be strong.'

'I am so full of delicious, milky goodness

'and surprisingly low in calories.'

'No, you're not real. You're not real!

-'That is my own voice. So hungry.'

-'What are you waiting for, then?

-'Eat me, eat me!'

-No, please, stop it! Stop.

OK. Ha ha! Ha ha!

No, I didn't mean... No, no!

I didn't mean you, no! Please, come back. Come back. Stop.

HE SIGHS

Oh, my gosh, Sir. You're being so unprofessional right now.

I swear down.

Kids, fed up with playground bullies?

Sick of losing your ball to those pesky big boys?

-Well, we can help with GameGuard.

-Ace!

And for those hard-to-rid bullies, try our triple strength

wrestling personality, Steel Fist Steve.

BOTH SCREAM

Plus, call today and receive our once-in-a-lifetime bonus package,

world's strictest teacher.

Where's your tie? Pull your socks up. Where's your homework?

Order now!

Hello and welcome back to The Johnny Serious-Pants

And Inel Funny-Guy Show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Inel, I'll take it from here.

-What?

-Just go over there and occupy Camera Six.

-There is no Camera Six.

I know, exactly. Please leave, right now. Thank you, off you pop.

It's come to my attention that a number of you out there

don't actually know how to do up your own shoelaces

so I've devised a delightful little rhyme to make doing

up your own shoelaces that little bit easier. So, everybody watching.

Here we go.

Bunny ears, bunny ears Playing by a tree

Criss-cross the tree Trying to catch me

Bunny ears, bunny ears Jumping through the hole

Pops out the other side Beautiful and bold.

Beautiful.

VELCRO RIPS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

INEL CHUCKLES

What are you doing, Inel?

You're ruining it when I'm trying to teach the kids something.

I'm just playing with my Velcros.

INEL CHUCKLES

Oh, yeah, you think you could do better?

Fine, got a song of my own, you know. Watch me.

Hit the music.

MUSIC PLAYS

You know, I hear some of you are having a little trouble

with your shoelaces. Don't worry. Because I'm-a teach you. OK.

-IN TIME TO MUSIC:

-So you wanna know how to tie your shoelace?

ALL: We wanna know, we wanna know

I said, you wanna know how to tie your shoelace?

ALL: We wanna know, we wanna know

I said, you wanna know how to tie your shoelace?

ALL: We wanna know, we wanna know

OK, listen.

One lace, two lace Tie 'em in a knot

But that's not it We've only just begun

Pull it real tight and that's step number one

Cos you don't wanna be running When your shoes come undone

Cos tripping over your feet Just ain't no fun

Especially if you land Right down on your bum

Tie your laces properly I'll show you how it's done

You don't wanna go home Crying to your mum

Step two, get one of them And make a likkle bow

Tie it round like this And push it through like so

That's how you tie your laces Like a pro

So go out there Show everybody what you know

You just learned how to tie your shoelace

ALL: We now know, we now know

I said, you just learned to tie your shoelace

ALL: We now know, we now know

Yeaaaaaahhh, boom!

ALL: Inel, Inel, Inel, Inel, Inel!

Just cut to a sketch.

NEWS JINGLE PLAYS

Hi, I'm Boris Horace.

And I'm Norris Glorace.

And welcome to the J&I news network.

Our top story today,

The Johnny And Inel Show has now gotten serious - real serious.

So serious, that I don't even think the viewers are allowed to laugh.

-That's pretty serious, Norris.

-Deadly serious.

You couldn't get even more serious, even if you wanted

-to get more serious.

-Oh, you could, Boris.

-You could get seriousER.

-SeriousER, Norris?

SeriousER.

That's how you know you are more serious.

World.

SAD MUSIC

Welcome back to Issues, with Johnny and Inel -

the series show about serious things that you need to start taking

seriously.

You know you can take things too seriously, you know, Johnny?

I mean, have you looked in the mirror lately?

You look like an oversized cuddly toy!

Listen, I'm not dressed up like this for my own amusement.

I'm here to make a very serious point to all of the audience, yeah.

-I'm here to discuss the plight of the polar bear.

-Hello!

Now, pay attention you guys, and you guys at home,

because it will be in your exam at the end of the episode.

Hello.

LAUGHTER

Now, where was I? The polar bear. One of Earth's most majestic creatures.

But its very existence is being threatened,

not by other animals, no...

Rrrroaaarr!

..and not by the terrain in which it lives.

But instead, its existence is being threatened by...

INEL HUMS SCI-FI TUNE

-POLAR BEAR:

-Oh, no! Alien invasion!

LAUGHTER

Aaaagh! He's coming back.

LAUGHTER

Oh, thank goodness! He's gone!

SCI-FI TUNE RETURNS

Oh, no! You're not about to make me extinct!

Take this alien sky!

No, no, no, no!

Hooray! I've saved the day!

What are you doing, Inel?

Inel, the polar bear's plight is not being threatened by aliens!

What are you talking about?

Just making it a bit more fun, you know.

-Can I have a quick word, Inel?

-Yes, sure.

What are you doing, Inel?

What are you actually doing?

I'm trying to make serious points to the audience so they learn

something, particularly for the exam...

Yes, I'm just adding some visual aids to help people out.

The polar bear's plight is down to global warming, and the changing

-environment...

-Yes, I'm going to show the global warming bit...

It's not aliens!

The aliens were a fun bit to get them involved

This is a serious show, Inel.

-Yeah?

-Look, no, no...

-Yeah?

No!

Look who's protecting the polar bears now!

Cut to a sketch.

..a kid got dumped in the trash.

Powers of the waste!

Wasteman!

-Look at all these colouring things, Bearman!

-I know. There's loads.

He must be close.

-MENACING CACKLE:

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

All these colouring pens are mine. Mine! Mine!

I control the city's supply of colouring pens.

I'm going to open up a store called Omar Daze's Sick Colouring Pens.

It's going to be sick.

Put the colouring pens down, Omar, or I'm going to waste you!

Yeah, Omar, you made us bear angry!

Rrrr!

When are you guys going to learn?

Every time you try and stop me and every time I daze you up.

Well, this time is going to be different, Omar.

This time you are going to get what's BIN coming to you.

-BIN coming to you, it's like "waste-paper bin."

-Yes. I get it.

It just wasn't funny.

Anyway, this time we've got backup, Omar.

Come to me, Barry!

Rrrrrraaaa!

Oh! Ho-ho!

Barry said he's going to beat you up so bad, Omar,

he's going to mess up your colour coding,

and he's going to take off the felt-tip pen lids

and let them dry out!

Don't push me to far, Barry.

Are you going to take that, Barry?

I wouldn't have that off him.

Yes, Barry, get him, Barry!

Barry?

Barry?

Talk to me, Barry!

My name is Omar. Omar Daze. I'll put Bearman in a daze.

Wasteman in a daze. Kids, parents in a daze.

I'll even put a little teddy bear named Barry in a daze.

It don't matter to me.

All the colouring pens in the world will be mine. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Barry! I shouldn't have put you in harm's way!

Talk to me, Barry!

BARRY!!!!

Another one bites the dust.

Not so fast, Omar!

You still have me to contend with.

You cant daze me, Omar,

for I have made these special goggles made out of old plastic bottles.

This time you are going down.

Not so fast, Wasteman!

I know you don't like me,

but I know something you don't like even more.

This!

Oh! No!

Oh, no, please!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's time to clean this mess up.

Please, no. Please, have mercy.

-Have mercy!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-No!!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Help me!

CHEERING

Hello, and welcome back to the Johnny and Inel Show.

Now, we have got our special guests coming up on this show.

Not only do they have chart-topping album,

but they're wicked dancers, as well. Better than me.

I've got their song on repeat, I've been rewinding it constantly,

I can't wait to bring them on.

-Inel? Inel?

-Johnny and I...

I'm sorry, Inel, I can't let this go on.

Those guests won't be coming on the show, I cancelled them.

BOOING

-What?

-Oh yes, they're not suitable for the show.

-Why not?

-Because...I decided to book a different guest.

One that is both inspirational, educational and respectable.

Please help me in giving a warm welcome, all

the way from Humperdinck University in Germany, Professor von Greenback.

Professor von Greenback, guys!

Guten Tag, audience members of ze Johnny und AN-el show.

Actually, it's I-nel.

May I say what an honour it is.

Ja, naturlich! Thank you for accommodating me on your show!

Now, pens and papers at the ready. I shall begin.

Today I will be talking about video games.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about.

Yes, ze social und psychological impact of the video

games on the children.

BOOING

Yeah!

-Interesting.

-Yes, good. Right, where should ve begin?

It was in 1902, that Gunter von Hunter Stunter von Huntenberg

first thought of the video game.

Then, she did not think about it until 1903, what a shame.

"How to make a videogame?" she thought. "I need to invent a

"new language."

What language?

It was binary.

What does it go like? I'll tell you.

It goes like this.

Eins. Zero. Eins.

Zero. Zero. Eins. Eins. Eins.

Eins. Eins. Zero.

But vot about ze psychological

and social impact of the videogames on ze children?

Well, as you can see from all these children here,

they are all horrible and they all smell disgusting.

BOOING

It makes me think about videogames in a whole different way.

Johnny, you're going to have to snap out of this. Please!

The professor's going to do the exam.

-CLEARS THROAT:

-Take ze paper, und pass it round.

Take ze paper, und pass it round!

Johnny, could you get me the test questions, please?

Of course, Professor.

Johnny! Johnny! Wait up!

Johnny, you've got to stop this, man!

-We're losing fans over this.

-Losing fans?

-Yes.

Well, actually I've gained four fans - you've lost fans.

I'm not having this!

CHEERING

Welcome back to the Johnny Kyle show.

Today we have Cinderella.

She says she is too attractive to be

related to the ugly sisters, so she wants them to do a DNA test.

Whatever, whatever, she ain't my real mum.

I don't know what you're saying, girl, what are you saying?

Right, OK, OK. It's time for the DNA test.

OK.

Cinderella...

..you are not related to your ugly sisters, Anastasia and Gisella!

Yes! In your face, you ugly witches!

Ho-ho-ho! You don't earn your own money!

You don't earn your own money!

We're not related! We're not related!

Ohh, hoo!

And I got Charming, as well, that's a double blow, where's your man at?

I don't see no man, because you ain't got one! You ain't got one!

AUDIENCE: Cinders! Cinders!

You ain't got one!

You ain't got one! Ooh!

GASPS

Psyched! Like I'm going to lose him again! Oh, in your face!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh... So! So! So!

OK.

Now that that's sorted, who's next?

CHEERING

Here's the test papers.

Oh, thank you, Johnny.

Oh, Johnny, the professor's about to do the test.

This is going to be serious. Seriously funny.

Und now ze test will start.

Question One. Shhh!

Vot are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain? Huh?

Answer is...

..drizzly bears!

Drizzly bears!

This is not right, they must have been mixed up.

Ignore that question.

Question Two. Why do polar bears win so many races? Hmm?

Think about it.

Answer - because they are always in pole position.

LAUGHTER

Johnny, what happened to the questions?

It's really weird, it seems like somebody might have muddled them up!

It is all mixed up. Nein!

Question Three.

Why shouldn't you take the polar bears to the zoo?

Answer,

because they would rather go to the movies.

Stop laughing!

Zis is only mildly amusing!

-Silence.

-No, Professor, you be quiet, OK?

This is the Johnny and Inel Show,

and we want kids to have fun and enjoy themselves.

And if they learn something along the way, well, that's just a bonus.

Oh, Professor? Hop on here for us.

Yes? Just hop straight on.

Oh, this is a lovely model.

-Isn't it, Professor. On your bike, mate.

-Ooh!

Und... Oh!

Auf Wiedersehen, mein Liebling!

-ALL:

-Bye!

WILD CHEERING

INEL SIGHS

It's good to have you back, Johnny.

And you know what, it's good to be back.

And if there is anyone getting fans around here,

it's going to be me! And maybe you sometimes.

With everything that has happened on the show today,

-we're pretty much out of time.

-We'd better wrap up, then.

Guys, until next time, we're going to keep making it look good.

The only way Johnny and Inel could!

Hit the music.

ALARM RINGS

MUSIC: "Johnny and Inel theme"

CHILDREN CHANTING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd