Episode 1 The Johnny & Inel Show

Welcome to The Johnny And Inel Show!

ALARM SOUNDS

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# Splash water on my face To get the sleep out my eyes

# The sun's out shining I'd better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

# Now we've got a show on CBBC

# Sure all of my fans will be out to see me

# Get set, cos the time is here

# Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

BOTH: We're doing well as you can tell

# So here comes the show with Johnny...

# And Inel.

Coming up on the show...

Oh, my gosh! If you're going to do it, do it properly.

# L-L-L-Liberties! #

It's just jokes!

Chill out!

It's time for the studio.

Yay!

It's Dinah the producer. She runs the show.

It's Brennan the director.

Last year's runner, now he calls the shots.

It's Gayle the DJ. She spins the wheels on the J & I decks.

Mo the runner. He just wants to be famous. But not on my watch.

Off you go. Off you go.

-And action!

-Not now.

-Now. Now.

-Action.

Hello and welcome to The Johnny and Inel show.

CHEERING

AUDIENCE CHANTS: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

What's the problem, Inel?

It's your fans are the problem! They're loud.

Intense. Always chanting.

-MOCKINGLY:

-Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

AUDIENCE CHANTS: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

Just because your fans, Inel, like to sit at home, hibernating.

"Oh, I like Inel. Inel's the best.

"Like, come and share, re-post, text."

Ha! Yeah. True statement.

What can I say?

I mean, my fans are thoughtful, text-savvy

free thinkers.

They don't just follow the crowd like yours.

CROWD CHANTS: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

CHANTING CONTINUES

There's only one way to settle this.

We need to elect...a show leader.

AUDIENCE OOHS

-I smell trouble.

-What did

-I

-do?

OK! Elect a leader.

-The battle is on.

-Oh, it's on.

THEY CHANT OVER EACH OTHER

Get ready for WWJI,

crazy characters in the wrestling ring.

BELL RINGS

Tonight, it's the Incredible Rock

against the Human Paper.

I'm going to wrap you up

and there's nothing you can do about it because paper covers rock.

-Well, I'm going to hit you...with a rock.

-And I'm going to wrap it up.

I win.

-He's got a point.

-It's not even good paper!

It's toilet paper. I could scrunch you up...

..like that.

Bad planning that, Paper.

But it's still paper. And paper beats rock.

That's stupid.

That's like me saying that I'm going to win

because I have these teeny, tiny

little scissors.

OK, OK. Put them down. All right.

Have you got parental assistance for those?

So, join us for the clash of the titans, survival of the fittest.

Battle to the end.

Next up, a character you all know.

And now she's got her own bit of the show.

What's happening, peeps?

It's me, Blondie, as you probably already know. Ha-ha!

Since I was so popular on The Johnny And Inel Show last year,

the BBC have decided to give me my own show!

Standard!

Obviously being a well-known superstar that I am,

I want to surround myself with real people.

So, like, when I'm getting totes emosh,

I want to be around friends I can trust, not people that will take...

# Liberti-i-i-ies. #

Get me?

That's why I decided to audition to find my new BFF.

Welcome to The Only Way Is Blondie.

OK, OK, er...

obviously I'm Blondie.

I'm-I-I-I'm Chris.

OK, I'm-I'm-I'm Chris, in your own time.

I swear down I'd be the best friend you'd ever have.

Are you taking the mick?

Next!

-Oh, my golly, golly gosh, sir.

-Girl, you ain't even trying. Next!

-Liberties.

-Oh, my gosh. If you're going to do it, do it properly.

# Liberti-i-i-i-ies! #

Next!

-Lord, have mercy.

-Next!

Let me stop you there. Next!

-Woo!

-Next!

OK, OK, I... I like the enthusiasm, I like the effort, but...

Next!

Next!

It's not even real.

Next!

-There's no need to stress.

-No.

-Cos a man came here in a dress.

-OK.

-I think I'll put you through to the semis.

-Like your hair.

Thank you very much.

You're going to be late for my English class!

Next! I didn't do my homework either.

Is... Are you for real?

Oh, my days! What is the matter with these kids?!

I want a new BFF, not tribute acts! Gosh.

Next!

Now let's meet two new characters -

Rudi and Boya. Check out the catchphrase.

Baggit.

All right, madam bruv?

# Streaky bacon, baggit

# Box of raisins, baggit

# Pack of razors, baggit... #

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I can't let you have that last item unless I see some ID first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got to be 18 or over if you want to buy razor blades.

80 or over?

Well, I'm not 80 or over yet.

Yo, bruv.

Did she just say 18 or 80, bruv?

I can't take that risk, boy.

What are you going to use them for?

Well, I need to shave me legs!

RIPPING

Look, madam bruv, yeah?

You need ID to prove you're over age.

Do you get me, bruv?

Yo, she don't get you, Boya.

Let me, I've got this, I've got this. I know how to talk to people.

# Went to the club Waiting in the line

# Want to see Leticia Ain't seen her in time

# Man asked me if I had ID

# I didn't so I had to go home quickly. #

Show me some ID or you ain't having the blades.

Unbaggit.

# Purple toothbrush, baggit

# Hay fever tablet, baggit. #

Now, have you ever wondered what happens

when you're not looking at your phone?

Time to meet Chatty Mates.

Hiya, are you all right? Yeah, are you good? Good!

Oh.

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh! What's happened?!

I've been dropped.

Oh, no!

Yeah, I mean, I knew this day would come, but not like this.

I thought maybe a bump or something but...look at me.

I'm practically broken.

-Look at my beautiful screen.

-Oh, course not, course not.

You're still fully functioning, right?

You'll be round for a good time yet. You'll see.

-And you're only halfway through your contract.

-You don't get it, Shelly.

I've been dropped. She's been due an upgrade for, like, three months now.

Hold on, I thought you said you were only six months old.

I lied.

-15 months.

-Oh, no.

She's going to replace me, I know it.

Oh, you don't know that. You don't know that.

I do know it. Same thing happened with Maurice, Richard, and Kerry.

-Who are they?

-Exactly.

Replaced and forgotten.

I'm not just going to wait around and let it happen to me.

Oh, what are you doing, what are you doing?

I'm backing up all my settings

and I'm getting out of here first chance I get.

Oh, no, babe, don't do that. You've ruined her data allowance.

Shelly, forget about the stupid data allowance and stop being so naive.

I've been dropped.

I've already crashed out three times since the accident. Who knows?

If I crash out a fourth time, I might even lose your number.

That's crazy talk!

Is it?! Is it really, Shelly? Is it?!

I mean, my whole life has just flashed

before my front-facing camera.

All 18 months of it.

Hold on, I thought you said you were 15 months.

Oh, right. Look are you going to hang up or what? I'm busy here.

What are you like?

Next up, grumpy Beanie and cheeky Fro Fro.

Yo, Beanie.

Beanie!

Wake up.

Oh.

Oh, Lord. I just woke up from a beautiful dream.

And now I'm in a nightmare.

Oh, Beanie, that's harsh, that.

I just wanted to ask you something.

Yeah? What do you want to ask me?

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

Oh! Well, that's a good question, actually.

Yeah, I think it's because...

Because they don't have the guts! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ah.

I walked right into that one.

-Oh, stop being so uptight, Beanie.

-Mm.

They're just jokes!

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to Team Inel, the fastest growing online community.

Do you like music?

-ALL:

-We do!

-Do you like sweets?

-We do!

-Do you like ginger beer?

-We do too!

I know I do.

Hey, do you like having friends and family?

We do too.

Well, how about people liking your comments?

-We do.

-I like that.

Do you like animals?

Aw.

Yeah.

Do you like saving endangered species?

We do.

Well, a vote for Inel is a vote for world peace.

Then like Inel.

It's just a little something that Team Inel came up with

in the few little minutes that we had just there.

-Think I covered most bases.

-I think you covered every base, Inel!

Well... So how's your campaign going?

Just trying to elect a spokesperson at the moment.

ALL: Me! Me! Me!

Let's roll back, let's roll back.

He goes a-go-go that they'll never agree.

Maybe they'll decide later... Before the end of the show, eh?

Maybe you won't have any fans left

once they've seen my new campaign video. Boom!

Johnny.

Johnny.

Johnny.

Johnny. Johnny. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# J-J-J-J-J-J

# J-J-J-J-J-J

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# J-J-J-J-J-J

# J-J-J-J-J-J

# Johnny

# Johnny

# Johnny

# Johnny

# Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# Johnny, Johnny

# J-J-J-J-J-J

# J-J-J-J-J-J

# Johnny. #

-Pretty cool, eh?

-Eh, it was all right.

I think I've seen another version of that video online, actually.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Must be another Johnny fan paying their own personal tribute.

-Could be.

Let's take a look, shall we?

# I'm Johnny and I'm a Silly Billy

# I'm Johnny and I am silly

# Who's got a comb for me?

INEL LAUGHS

This is an outrage!

It's completely unacceptable, Inel!

Completely unacceptable.

Do you know how long it took me to make that campaign video?!

Took ages.

Right, that's it. Team Johnny, the gloves are off.

Do what you think is right.

Hold up, I'm confused. I don't know who to vote for!

It's time for a new sketch...

Meet flamboyant hairdresser Ernesto

with his devoted helper Julio.

Welcome to the great Ernesto salon.

And me, Julio.

As King Neptune once remarked to his wife...

Julio, some music.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Julio...I am ready.

-Kipper.

-Kipper.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

A whale song infused with a house beat.

HE WAILS

# Dum-de-de-dum-de-de-dum... #

It is complete. Voila!

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-No. I don't like it.

Julio, you know what to do.

-BELL RINGS

-'Attention.'

When you're my BFF, people will stop, point and say,

"Oh, my days! Is that Blondie's BFF?"

So get your acts together! Thank you, that is all.

Next!

Wagwan, Blondie?

A tricky one here. Wagwan.

Originating from Jamaica, wagwan is a greeting meaning,

"What's going on?"

As in, "Wagwan wit you, boy?"

-I'm Michelle.

-And I'm Ruby. You already know us.

-Do I?

We're in your history class.

-Are they?

-Yeah, I sit next to you.

Oh, my days, that is blatant disrespect right there.

Hmm. Liking the use of blatant and the variation on disrespect.

Good. OK. Starting with, er, you, Michelle.

What makes you think that you've got what it takes to be my BFF?

Well, I'm loyal and I'm street smart,

and I always speak my mind, like a true BFF.

-Meh.

-Plus I love Beyonce, innit?

-You love Beyonce?

-Yep.

You lie!

# Would I lie to you, baby?

# Would I lie to you?

# Oh, no! #

Oh, my golly, golly gosh!

I moulded my entire life around her, as you can probably tell.

But tell me this - what's your favourite Destiny's Child track?

# Bills, bills, bills

BOTH: # Can you pay my telephone bills?

# Can you pay my automo' bills?

# Then maybe we can chill

# I don't think you do

# So you and me are through

# Ba-da-dum-dum-dum-dum

# Pay my telephone bills

# Pay my automo' bills

# Pay my...

# Ba-da-dum-dum-dum-dum

# Ba-da-dum-dum-dum-dum

# Bills

# Da-dum-dum-dum-dum

# Bills, bills, bills

# Bills

# Bills... #

OK. Er...

Well, that was the easiest decision

I've ever had to make in my entire life.

Well, I've got a Black Card for the Riverway Shopping Centre,

by the way.

You've got a Black Card for the Riverway Shopping Centre?!

(Limited edition!)

I may need some more time to reconsider.

Attention, please, everybody. Thank you, thank you. Shh!

'The finalists have been chosen

'so the rest of you lot can just, er, skedaddle.'

Go on. Shut the door on your way out. Bless. Safe, safe. Nice one.

Soon come. Little more.

FEEDBACK

On the one hand, me and Michelle could, like, run the school

cos she's, like, bay sophisc.

Then on the other hand, me and Ruby could

cos she's bay rich and we could go shopping like celebs all day,

every day, in between school, obviously.

Such a tough decision for me to make.

Who shall I pick?

This decision is, like, so hard to make.

I wish I could be my own BFF so I could make it easier on myself.

But I have finally come to a decision.

My new onscreen BFF will be...

With all the feedback from the show,

it's Liam Piam with Wit Wall.

Hi There. I'm Liam Piam. Splish!

And this is Wit Wall.

I've got my favourite wits of the we-e-e-ek.

Splash!

HE LAUGHS

Sarah@TOWIB says,

"# I'll be your BFF, Blondie."

That's nice of you, Sarah.

That's nice of you.

Switch.

It's Bants In The Booth time. Who's going to be in the booth today?

Let's find out.

Who's that?

-Is that The Saturdays?

-Nah, that can't be The Saturdays.

-It is.

-Hi.

-Hello.

If I'd known The Saturdays were coming,

-I'd have sprayed some deodorant or something.

-No, no, no.

Here we are.

# Oh, is it love that's in the air?

# Baby, baby, baby... #

Just go ahead and spud me there. Yeah, respect.

-Respect.

-Respect.

-Yeah, all round, all round.

Me too, me too, me too.

-Oh, watch. Oh, couldn't pass the watch, could you?

-Lost a watch.

Nice.

So, what can we do for you, girls? Do you want to get some photos done?

We'd quite like, you know, flattering photos.

Maybe a bit of wind and a nice effect.

-Well, we don't do wind, I'm afraid.

-Oh.

We'll just pull some faces.

Now, you girls have been going for ages now, doing music for time.

So what's been the biggest highlight for you girls, though?

Right now.

-The booth.

-We love this booth with you guys.

-Exactly.

It all leads up to something, and I feel we've made it now.

We're here.

Oh, you're just saying that! You know.

You're probably right, but still.

You have travelled all around the world in your career.

What has been the best place that you've ever been to?

Um, we've been to loads of places.

I actually really like Kuala Lumpur,

cos I would never have gone there before. We've lived in LA as well.

Literally the coolest place we were, literally, was Iceland.

Iceland. Oh, right. Chilly. Yeah!

I wouldn't want to go there.

Out of you girls,

who's got the most embarrassing music in their collection?

-Well, I would personally say Molly.

-Probably me.

Although I don't think so, but the girls don't let me

really play the iPod in the car.

What's embarrassing is sometimes we're going along in the car

and she's full-blast listening to us.

-Oh, yeah.

-Embarrassing.

-Our music!

-It bleeds through. Yeah, she's listening to...

I'm a fan of the band.

Listen to your own stuff. Yeah, I'm the same.

I like the sound of my own voice as well.

Always listening to my own tracks.

Let's just get on with these photos, then, shall we?

Give me the silliest face you can do.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it.

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

-I'm having trouble taking it.

Hold it, I'm going to take it. I'm going to...

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.

SHE LAUGHS

Thanks for coming in and appearing on Bants In The Booth.

Just go ahead and wait outside.

-We'll get them photos ready for you.

-Couple of minutes.

What's happening back in the studio?

Is it still all chaos?

OK, everyone. Everyone, calm d... Calm down.

Brennan, do something, please. We've got ten minutes to go.

What's happening?! I thought I had ten minutes.

Do not adjust your television set.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as...

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Get me Johnny and Inel on the phone now. I don't really care.

I'm the head of CBBC. Now.

Uh-oh. Looks like we might be in trouble with the big boss.

Meanwhile, let's check out Schoolroom Solutions.

Kids, physical education is important, right?

Playing outside in the summer - it's fun, right?

Then the winter comes.

Then it's nothing but snow and rain and cross-country.

Nooooo!

Cross-country - the most evilest

and terriblest thing ever devised by a teacher. Ever.

CACKLING

If you hate cross-country just as much as we do, then you

should invest in our exclusive handy-dandy school shortcut app...

..identifies the quickest

and fastest possible route to your finishing line.

Features also include...

And the one of a kind...

PHONE BLEEPS

Order now...

What's been happening with The Johnny and Inel election?

Let's get back to the studio and find out.

OK.

-That was the big boss.

-Yeah.

-You need to get your act together right now or he'll replace you.

-Me?!

You're the one who set the rabble on me.

I-I'll do it. I-I-I'll do it.

Well, you know, maybe we can give you a shock move

-if these guys can't get it together. What do you think, Brennan?

-What?

Just talking about replacements.

-Look, I'm trying to do the best I can, OK?

-No. Oh.

Never mind.

Leave it out, mate. This show has standards to maintain.

Besides, it's The Johnny And Inel Show.

Watch and learn.

CHEERING

Hiya, guys!

So we're back together and we're going to keep making it look good.

-The only way Johnny and Inel could. A-ha!

-Hit the music.

BELL RINGS

MUSIC PLAYS