Episode 1 The Johnny & Inel Show


Episode 1

Comedy series. Johnny and Inel can't agree on who should be the show leader. This kick-starts an election campaign that lands them in trouble with the big boss of CBBC.


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Transcript


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Welcome to The Johnny And Inel Show!

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ALARM SOUNDS

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# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

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# Splash water on my face To get the sleep out my eyes

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# The sun's out shining I'd better stop rhyming

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# As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

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# Now we've got a show on CBBC

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# Sure all of my fans will be out to see me

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# Get set, cos the time is here

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# Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

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BOTH: We're doing well as you can tell

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# So here comes the show with Johnny...

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# And Inel.

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Coming up on the show...

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Oh, my gosh! If you're going to do it, do it properly.

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# L-L-L-Liberties! #

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It's just jokes!

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Chill out!

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It's time for the studio.

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Yay!

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It's Dinah the producer. She runs the show.

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It's Brennan the director.

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Last year's runner, now he calls the shots.

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It's Gayle the DJ. She spins the wheels on the J & I decks.

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Mo the runner. He just wants to be famous. But not on my watch.

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Off you go. Off you go.

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-And action!

-Not now.

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-Now. Now.

-Action.

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Hello and welcome to The Johnny and Inel show.

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CHEERING

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AUDIENCE CHANTS: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

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What's the problem, Inel?

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It's your fans are the problem! They're loud.

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Intense. Always chanting.

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-MOCKINGLY:

-Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

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AUDIENCE CHANTS: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

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Just because your fans, Inel, like to sit at home, hibernating.

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"Oh, I like Inel. Inel's the best.

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"Like, come and share, re-post, text."

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Ha! Yeah. True statement.

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What can I say?

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I mean, my fans are thoughtful, text-savvy

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free thinkers.

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They don't just follow the crowd like yours.

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CROWD CHANTS: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

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CHANTING CONTINUES

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There's only one way to settle this.

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We need to elect...a show leader.

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AUDIENCE OOHS

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-I smell trouble.

-What did

-I

-do?

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OK! Elect a leader.

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-The battle is on.

-Oh, it's on.

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THEY CHANT OVER EACH OTHER

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Get ready for WWJI,

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crazy characters in the wrestling ring.

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BELL RINGS

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Tonight, it's the Incredible Rock

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against the Human Paper.

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I'm going to wrap you up

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and there's nothing you can do about it because paper covers rock.

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-Well, I'm going to hit you...with a rock.

-And I'm going to wrap it up.

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I win.

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-He's got a point.

-It's not even good paper!

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It's toilet paper. I could scrunch you up...

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..like that.

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Bad planning that, Paper.

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But it's still paper. And paper beats rock.

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That's stupid.

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That's like me saying that I'm going to win

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because I have these teeny, tiny

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little scissors.

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OK, OK. Put them down. All right.

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Have you got parental assistance for those?

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So, join us for the clash of the titans, survival of the fittest.

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Battle to the end.

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Next up, a character you all know.

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And now she's got her own bit of the show.

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What's happening, peeps?

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It's me, Blondie, as you probably already know. Ha-ha!

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Since I was so popular on The Johnny And Inel Show last year,

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the BBC have decided to give me my own show!

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Standard!

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Obviously being a well-known superstar that I am,

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I want to surround myself with real people.

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So, like, when I'm getting totes emosh,

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I want to be around friends I can trust, not people that will take...

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# Liberti-i-i-ies. #

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Get me?

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That's why I decided to audition to find my new BFF.

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Welcome to The Only Way Is Blondie.

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OK, OK, er...

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obviously I'm Blondie.

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I'm-I-I-I'm Chris.

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OK, I'm-I'm-I'm Chris, in your own time.

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I swear down I'd be the best friend you'd ever have.

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Are you taking the mick?

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Next!

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-Oh, my golly, golly gosh, sir.

-Girl, you ain't even trying. Next!

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-Liberties.

-Oh, my gosh. If you're going to do it, do it properly.

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# Liberti-i-i-i-ies! #

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Next!

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-Lord, have mercy.

-Next!

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Let me stop you there. Next!

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-Woo!

-Next!

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OK, OK, I... I like the enthusiasm, I like the effort, but...

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Next!

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Next!

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It's not even real.

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Next!

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-There's no need to stress.

-No.

-Cos a man came here in a dress.

-OK.

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-I think I'll put you through to the semis.

-Like your hair.

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Thank you very much.

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You're going to be late for my English class!

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Next! I didn't do my homework either.

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Is... Are you for real?

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Oh, my days! What is the matter with these kids?!

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I want a new BFF, not tribute acts! Gosh.

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Next!

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Now let's meet two new characters -

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Rudi and Boya. Check out the catchphrase.

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Baggit.

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All right, madam bruv?

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# Streaky bacon, baggit

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# Box of raisins, baggit

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# Pack of razors, baggit... #

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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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I can't let you have that last item unless I see some ID first.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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You've got to be 18 or over if you want to buy razor blades.

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80 or over?

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Well, I'm not 80 or over yet.

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Yo, bruv.

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Did she just say 18 or 80, bruv?

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I can't take that risk, boy.

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What are you going to use them for?

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Well, I need to shave me legs!

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RIPPING

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Look, madam bruv, yeah?

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You need ID to prove you're over age.

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Do you get me, bruv?

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Yo, she don't get you, Boya.

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Let me, I've got this, I've got this. I know how to talk to people.

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# Went to the club Waiting in the line

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# Want to see Leticia Ain't seen her in time

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# Man asked me if I had ID

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# I didn't so I had to go home quickly. #

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Show me some ID or you ain't having the blades.

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Unbaggit.

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# Purple toothbrush, baggit

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# Hay fever tablet, baggit. #

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Now, have you ever wondered what happens

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when you're not looking at your phone?

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Time to meet Chatty Mates.

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Hiya, are you all right? Yeah, are you good? Good!

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Oh.

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Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh! What's happened?!

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I've been dropped.

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Oh, no!

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Yeah, I mean, I knew this day would come, but not like this.

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I thought maybe a bump or something but...look at me.

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I'm practically broken.

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-Look at my beautiful screen.

-Oh, course not, course not.

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You're still fully functioning, right?

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You'll be round for a good time yet. You'll see.

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-And you're only halfway through your contract.

-You don't get it, Shelly.

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I've been dropped. She's been due an upgrade for, like, three months now.

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Hold on, I thought you said you were only six months old.

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I lied.

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-15 months.

-Oh, no.

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She's going to replace me, I know it.

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Oh, you don't know that. You don't know that.

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I do know it. Same thing happened with Maurice, Richard, and Kerry.

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-Who are they?

-Exactly.

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Replaced and forgotten.

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I'm not just going to wait around and let it happen to me.

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Oh, what are you doing, what are you doing?

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I'm backing up all my settings

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and I'm getting out of here first chance I get.

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Oh, no, babe, don't do that. You've ruined her data allowance.

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Shelly, forget about the stupid data allowance and stop being so naive.

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I've been dropped.

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I've already crashed out three times since the accident. Who knows?

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If I crash out a fourth time, I might even lose your number.

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That's crazy talk!

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Is it?! Is it really, Shelly? Is it?!

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I mean, my whole life has just flashed

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before my front-facing camera.

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All 18 months of it.

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Hold on, I thought you said you were 15 months.

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Oh, right. Look are you going to hang up or what? I'm busy here.

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What are you like?

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Next up, grumpy Beanie and cheeky Fro Fro.

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Yo, Beanie.

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Beanie!

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Wake up.

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Oh.

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Oh, Lord. I just woke up from a beautiful dream.

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And now I'm in a nightmare.

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Oh, Beanie, that's harsh, that.

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I just wanted to ask you something.

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Yeah? What do you want to ask me?

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Why don't skeletons fight each other?

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Oh! Well, that's a good question, actually.

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Yeah, I think it's because...

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Because they don't have the guts! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Ah.

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I walked right into that one.

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-Oh, stop being so uptight, Beanie.

-Mm.

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They're just jokes!

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Hi, everyone.

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Welcome to Team Inel, the fastest growing online community.

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Do you like music?

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-ALL:

-We do!

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-Do you like sweets?

-We do!

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-Do you like ginger beer?

-We do too!

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I know I do.

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Hey, do you like having friends and family?

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We do too.

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Well, how about people liking your comments?

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-We do.

-I like that.

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Do you like animals?

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Aw.

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Yeah.

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Do you like saving endangered species?

0:10:340:10:36

We do.

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Well, a vote for Inel is a vote for world peace.

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Then like Inel.

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It's just a little something that Team Inel came up with

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in the few little minutes that we had just there.

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-Think I covered most bases.

-I think you covered every base, Inel!

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Well... So how's your campaign going?

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Just trying to elect a spokesperson at the moment.

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ALL: Me! Me! Me!

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Let's roll back, let's roll back.

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He goes a-go-go that they'll never agree.

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Maybe they'll decide later... Before the end of the show, eh?

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Maybe you won't have any fans left

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once they've seen my new campaign video. Boom!

0:11:240:11:27

Johnny.

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Johnny.

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Johnny.

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Johnny. Johnny. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

0:11:410:11:42

# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# J-J-J-J-J-J

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# J-J-J-J-J-J

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

0:11:550:11:57

# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# J-J-J-J-J-J

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# J-J-J-J-J-J

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# Johnny

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# Johnny

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# Johnny

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# Johnny

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# Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

0:12:150:12:16

# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# Johnny, Johnny

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# J-J-J-J-J-J

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# J-J-J-J-J-J

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# Johnny. #

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-Pretty cool, eh?

-Eh, it was all right.

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I think I've seen another version of that video online, actually.

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-Oh, really?

-Yeah, yeah.

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-Must be another Johnny fan paying their own personal tribute.

-Could be.

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Let's take a look, shall we?

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# I'm Johnny and I'm a Silly Billy

0:12:430:12:46

# I'm Johnny and I am silly

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# Who's got a comb for me?

0:12:490:12:52

INEL LAUGHS

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This is an outrage!

0:12:540:12:56

It's completely unacceptable, Inel!

0:12:560:12:58

Completely unacceptable.

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Do you know how long it took me to make that campaign video?!

0:13:010:13:04

Took ages.

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Right, that's it. Team Johnny, the gloves are off.

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Do what you think is right.

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Hold up, I'm confused. I don't know who to vote for!

0:13:130:13:17

It's time for a new sketch...

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Meet flamboyant hairdresser Ernesto

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with his devoted helper Julio.

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Welcome to the great Ernesto salon.

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And me, Julio.

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As King Neptune once remarked to his wife...

0:13:380:13:41

Julio, some music.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:13:480:13:52

Julio...I am ready.

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-Kipper.

-Kipper.

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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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A whale song infused with a house beat.

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HE WAILS

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# Dum-de-de-dum-de-de-dum... #

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It is complete. Voila!

0:14:140:14:17

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-No. I don't like it.

0:14:200:14:23

Julio, you know what to do.

0:14:230:14:24

-BELL RINGS

-'Attention.'

0:14:340:14:36

When you're my BFF, people will stop, point and say,

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"Oh, my days! Is that Blondie's BFF?"

0:14:400:14:43

So get your acts together! Thank you, that is all.

0:14:430:14:45

Next!

0:14:470:14:49

Wagwan, Blondie?

0:14:490:14:51

A tricky one here. Wagwan.

0:14:510:14:54

Originating from Jamaica, wagwan is a greeting meaning,

0:14:540:14:57

"What's going on?"

0:14:570:14:59

As in, "Wagwan wit you, boy?"

0:14:590:15:02

-I'm Michelle.

-And I'm Ruby. You already know us.

-Do I?

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We're in your history class.

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-Are they?

-Yeah, I sit next to you.

0:15:110:15:13

Oh, my days, that is blatant disrespect right there.

0:15:130:15:16

Hmm. Liking the use of blatant and the variation on disrespect.

0:15:160:15:20

Good. OK. Starting with, er, you, Michelle.

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What makes you think that you've got what it takes to be my BFF?

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Well, I'm loyal and I'm street smart,

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and I always speak my mind, like a true BFF.

0:15:300:15:34

-Meh.

-Plus I love Beyonce, innit?

0:15:340:15:37

-You love Beyonce?

-Yep.

0:15:380:15:40

You lie!

0:15:400:15:41

# Would I lie to you, baby?

0:15:410:15:43

# Would I lie to you?

0:15:430:15:45

# Oh, no! #

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Oh, my golly, golly gosh!

0:15:460:15:49

I moulded my entire life around her, as you can probably tell.

0:15:490:15:52

But tell me this - what's your favourite Destiny's Child track?

0:15:520:15:56

# Bills, bills, bills

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BOTH: # Can you pay my telephone bills?

0:15:580:16:00

# Can you pay my automo' bills?

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# Then maybe we can chill

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# I don't think you do

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# So you and me are through

0:16:060:16:09

# Ba-da-dum-dum-dum-dum

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# Pay my telephone bills

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# Pay my automo' bills

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# Pay my...

0:16:150:16:17

# Ba-da-dum-dum-dum-dum

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# Ba-da-dum-dum-dum-dum

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# Bills

0:16:200:16:21

# Da-dum-dum-dum-dum

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# Bills, bills, bills

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# Bills

0:16:240:16:26

# Bills... #

0:16:260:16:27

OK. Er...

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Well, that was the easiest decision

0:16:290:16:31

I've ever had to make in my entire life.

0:16:310:16:33

Well, I've got a Black Card for the Riverway Shopping Centre,

0:16:330:16:36

by the way.

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You've got a Black Card for the Riverway Shopping Centre?!

0:16:370:16:40

(Limited edition!)

0:16:400:16:41

I may need some more time to reconsider.

0:16:410:16:44

Attention, please, everybody. Thank you, thank you. Shh!

0:16:440:16:48

'The finalists have been chosen

0:16:480:16:50

'so the rest of you lot can just, er, skedaddle.'

0:16:500:16:53

Go on. Shut the door on your way out. Bless. Safe, safe. Nice one.

0:16:530:16:57

Soon come. Little more.

0:16:570:16:59

FEEDBACK

0:16:590:17:01

On the one hand, me and Michelle could, like, run the school

0:17:030:17:06

cos she's, like, bay sophisc.

0:17:060:17:07

Then on the other hand, me and Ruby could

0:17:070:17:09

cos she's bay rich and we could go shopping like celebs all day,

0:17:090:17:12

every day, in between school, obviously.

0:17:120:17:14

Such a tough decision for me to make.

0:17:140:17:16

Who shall I pick?

0:17:180:17:19

This decision is, like, so hard to make.

0:17:200:17:22

I wish I could be my own BFF so I could make it easier on myself.

0:17:220:17:26

But I have finally come to a decision.

0:17:260:17:29

My new onscreen BFF will be...

0:17:290:17:32

With all the feedback from the show,

0:17:370:17:40

it's Liam Piam with Wit Wall.

0:17:400:17:42

Hi There. I'm Liam Piam. Splish!

0:17:420:17:45

And this is Wit Wall.

0:17:450:17:47

I've got my favourite wits of the we-e-e-ek.

0:17:470:17:52

Splash!

0:17:520:17:53

HE LAUGHS

0:17:530:17:55

[email protected] says,

0:17:550:17:57

"# I'll be your BFF, Blondie."

0:17:570:18:02

That's nice of you, Sarah.

0:18:020:18:04

That's nice of you.

0:18:040:18:07

Switch.

0:18:070:18:09

It's Bants In The Booth time. Who's going to be in the booth today?

0:18:110:18:15

Let's find out.

0:18:150:18:16

Who's that?

0:18:250:18:27

-Is that The Saturdays?

-Nah, that can't be The Saturdays.

0:18:270:18:30

-It is.

-Hi.

-Hello.

0:18:300:18:32

If I'd known The Saturdays were coming,

0:18:320:18:34

-I'd have sprayed some deodorant or something.

-No, no, no.

0:18:340:18:36

Here we are.

0:18:360:18:38

# Oh, is it love that's in the air?

0:18:380:18:41

# Baby, baby, baby... #

0:18:430:18:45

Just go ahead and spud me there. Yeah, respect.

0:18:450:18:48

-Respect.

-Respect.

-Yeah, all round, all round.

0:18:480:18:52

Me too, me too, me too.

0:18:520:18:54

-Oh, watch. Oh, couldn't pass the watch, could you?

-Lost a watch.

0:18:550:18:59

Nice.

0:18:590:19:01

So, what can we do for you, girls? Do you want to get some photos done?

0:19:010:19:04

We'd quite like, you know, flattering photos.

0:19:040:19:06

Maybe a bit of wind and a nice effect.

0:19:060:19:09

-Well, we don't do wind, I'm afraid.

-Oh.

0:19:090:19:12

We'll just pull some faces.

0:19:120:19:15

Now, you girls have been going for ages now, doing music for time.

0:19:150:19:18

So what's been the biggest highlight for you girls, though?

0:19:180:19:22

Right now.

0:19:220:19:23

-The booth.

-We love this booth with you guys.

-Exactly.

0:19:230:19:26

It all leads up to something, and I feel we've made it now.

0:19:260:19:29

We're here.

0:19:290:19:30

Oh, you're just saying that! You know.

0:19:300:19:33

You're probably right, but still.

0:19:330:19:35

You have travelled all around the world in your career.

0:19:370:19:40

What has been the best place that you've ever been to?

0:19:400:19:43

Um, we've been to loads of places.

0:19:430:19:45

I actually really like Kuala Lumpur,

0:19:450:19:47

cos I would never have gone there before. We've lived in LA as well.

0:19:470:19:50

Literally the coolest place we were, literally, was Iceland.

0:19:500:19:54

Iceland. Oh, right. Chilly. Yeah!

0:19:540:19:57

I wouldn't want to go there.

0:19:570:19:59

Out of you girls,

0:19:590:20:00

who's got the most embarrassing music in their collection?

0:20:000:20:03

-Well, I would personally say Molly.

-Probably me.

0:20:030:20:06

Although I don't think so, but the girls don't let me

0:20:060:20:08

really play the iPod in the car.

0:20:080:20:10

What's embarrassing is sometimes we're going along in the car

0:20:100:20:12

and she's full-blast listening to us.

0:20:120:20:14

-Oh, yeah.

-Embarrassing.

0:20:140:20:16

-Our music!

-It bleeds through. Yeah, she's listening to...

0:20:160:20:19

I'm a fan of the band.

0:20:190:20:20

Listen to your own stuff. Yeah, I'm the same.

0:20:200:20:22

I like the sound of my own voice as well.

0:20:220:20:25

Always listening to my own tracks.

0:20:250:20:26

Let's just get on with these photos, then, shall we?

0:20:280:20:30

Give me the silliest face you can do.

0:20:300:20:32

Hold it.

0:20:330:20:34

Hold it.

0:20:340:20:36

Hold it.

0:20:360:20:37

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

-I'm having trouble taking it.

0:20:370:20:40

Hold it, I'm going to take it. I'm going to...

0:20:400:20:43

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

0:20:430:20:44

Hold it. Hold it.

0:20:440:20:46

SHE LAUGHS

0:20:460:20:49

Thanks for coming in and appearing on Bants In The Booth.

0:20:490:20:52

Just go ahead and wait outside.

0:20:520:20:54

-We'll get them photos ready for you.

-Couple of minutes.

0:20:540:20:56

What's happening back in the studio?

0:21:060:21:08

Is it still all chaos?

0:21:080:21:09

OK, everyone. Everyone, calm d... Calm down.

0:21:110:21:15

Brennan, do something, please. We've got ten minutes to go.

0:21:150:21:18

What's happening?! I thought I had ten minutes.

0:21:220:21:25

Do not adjust your television set.

0:21:250:21:27

Normal service will be resumed as soon as...

0:21:270:21:30

Oh, for goodness' sake.

0:21:330:21:35

Get me Johnny and Inel on the phone now. I don't really care.

0:21:350:21:38

I'm the head of CBBC. Now.

0:21:380:21:40

Uh-oh. Looks like we might be in trouble with the big boss.

0:21:420:21:46

Meanwhile, let's check out Schoolroom Solutions.

0:21:460:21:48

Kids, physical education is important, right?

0:21:530:21:56

Playing outside in the summer - it's fun, right?

0:21:560:22:00

Then the winter comes.

0:22:000:22:01

Then it's nothing but snow and rain and cross-country.

0:22:010:22:05

Nooooo!

0:22:050:22:07

Cross-country - the most evilest

0:22:070:22:09

and terriblest thing ever devised by a teacher. Ever.

0:22:090:22:11

CACKLING

0:22:110:22:12

If you hate cross-country just as much as we do, then you

0:22:120:22:15

should invest in our exclusive handy-dandy school shortcut app...

0:22:150:22:19

..identifies the quickest

0:22:200:22:21

and fastest possible route to your finishing line.

0:22:210:22:24

Features also include...

0:22:240:22:26

And the one of a kind...

0:22:300:22:32

PHONE BLEEPS

0:22:340:22:36

Order now...

0:22:380:22:39

What's been happening with The Johnny and Inel election?

0:22:480:22:51

Let's get back to the studio and find out.

0:22:510:22:54

OK.

0:22:550:22:57

-That was the big boss.

-Yeah.

0:22:590:23:01

-You need to get your act together right now or he'll replace you.

-Me?!

0:23:010:23:05

You're the one who set the rabble on me.

0:23:050:23:07

I-I'll do it. I-I-I'll do it.

0:23:070:23:09

Well, you know, maybe we can give you a shock move

0:23:090:23:11

-if these guys can't get it together. What do you think, Brennan?

-What?

0:23:110:23:15

Just talking about replacements.

0:23:150:23:17

-Look, I'm trying to do the best I can, OK?

-No. Oh.

0:23:170:23:21

Never mind.

0:23:220:23:24

Leave it out, mate. This show has standards to maintain.

0:23:240:23:28

Besides, it's The Johnny And Inel Show.

0:23:280:23:31

Watch and learn.

0:23:310:23:32

CHEERING

0:23:320:23:36

Hiya, guys!

0:23:360:23:38

So we're back together and we're going to keep making it look good.

0:23:380:23:42

-The only way Johnny and Inel could. A-ha!

-Hit the music.

0:23:420:23:46

BELL RINGS

0:23:460:23:48

MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:480:23:49

Johnny and Inel can't agree on who should be the show leader. This kick-starts an election campaign that lands them in trouble with the big boss of CBBC. The Saturdays pop in for some Bants in the Booth.


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