Episode 2 The Johnny & Inel Show

Hello and welcome to the Johnny And Inel Show, guys.

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out of my eyes

# The sun's out shining I better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

# Now we got a show on CBBC

# So all of my fans will be out to see me

# Get set cos the time is here

# Now sit back relax and get ready to cheer

# We're doing well as you can tell

-# So here comes the show with Johnny

-And Inel. #

Coming up on today's show, The Only Way is Blondie...

My new on-screen BFF will be...

Doc Brown!

HE PLAYS LONE RANGER THEME

Baggit...bread... baggit...milk...baggit...

Now it's time for the studio.

She runs the show.

Last year's runner and now he calls the shots.

She spins the wheels on the J and I decks.

He just wants to be famous but not on my watch.

Welcome to the Johnny And Inel Show, guys.

Oh, mate, you're going to have to remember my lines.

What did he say?

I don't know, I wasn't listening. I was...too busy watching.

What I'm saying is there must be a job that we can do as Johnny

and Inel that just doesn't demand so much of my precious gifts.

Hmm.

Down here in the south we've also got some more clouds

gathering around the London region. Some more chances of rain

and over here we've got some slight fog.

Back to you guys in the studio.

Weather forecasters. They've got it easy.

Yeah, you're right, Inel, and sports commentators.

It's been a wonderful day in the stadium.

We've seen some wonderful action. Jessica Ennis. Good night.

I know what you mean.

I tell you who's got it cushty, though...game show hosts.

Game show hosts, right?

I mean, all they do is ask a couple of questions,

hand out a prize, done! Easy.

You know what, you're right, Inel. I've got it.

I've just come up with my own original format for a game show.

Can't wait to hear about it, Johnny, but first it's time for WWJI.

Tonight, we finally get to see The Waiter...

..take on The Duck.

IN BAD ITALIAN ACCENT: Hi, I will be your waiter this evening.

I'm going to serve you up a delicious array of food.

To start, I will tip-a your soup all over your arm.

-Next, I will sprinkle my dandruff...

-Dandruff.

-..all over your beef Wellington.

-I can't eat this now.

And, to finish, I will serve your dinner

in an extremely hot plate which I will not have warned you about.

-Oh, yeah.

-Enjoy.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm going to waddle on over there and peck at your ankle.

That's right. And then I'm going to go up there in your face

and start quacking real loud. Quack quack, quack quack, quack quack!

Then I'm going to feed you some stale mouldy bread

-and see how you like it.

-That's fighting talk.

You aren't going to get out of here dry, sucker.

Do not miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime event.

Quack quack, quack quack!

Tickets go on sale midnight tonight. Be there or be square.

Now it's time for The Only Way is Blondie.

Since I was so popular on the Johnny and Inel Show last year

the BBC have decided to give me my own show, ha-ha-ha!

Standard! That's why I've decided to audition for my new BFF.

So get your acts together!

OK, I'm finally going to make a decision about who's going to

be my BFF...just as soon as I send this text.

OK. N-star. Selfie.

Oh, my gosh, I look so good there.

I wonder what Johnny's idea for a game show is.

-Hello and welcome to the show, Darcy.

-Thank you.

I wish you the best of luck in your chance to win the prestigious

Johnny and Inel mouse mat.

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

All you have to do, Darcy, is tell me whether you think the next card

is higher or lower than your starting card

which is a... It's a king!

Very good start!

So, what is it, higher or lower than a king?

Come on, guys, higher or lower?

-Lower.

-You going for lower?

-Lower.

It's a 10.

We're on a roll here. Higher or lower than a 10?

What's he going to do, guys? Higher or lower?

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

-Lower!

-He's going for lower.

It's a 2!

Lower than a 10. He went 2. Right, let's keep up the momentum.

-Higher or lower than a 2? Higher or lower?

-Higher than a 2?

What do you think it is?

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

-Higher.

-Are you sure?

It's a queen. It's a queen.

It looks like that queen has been hand drawn.

Right, OK, what should he do next, guys? Higher or lower than a queen?

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

-Lower, lower.

-You going for a lower? You going for lower?

It's an eagle.

Is an equal lower or higher than a queen?

How do I know, Darcy, it's an eagle. Honestly, this is a shambles.

I know but... Do you know what?

I reckon we should just go back to the original Johnny and Inel show.

We'll go and watch some game show professionals,

see how it's done and then we'll do our audition.

-Are you with me?

-Er...OK.

OK, there we go, let's just cut to a sketch.

Did I win the mouse mat or not?

No, you've got to earn it!

Oi! Voiced-over bruv, baggit!

-Here to help, bruv, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah.

Bread. Baggit. Milk. Baggit.

Eggs. Baggit. Squash. Baggit. Chocolate. Baggit. Nice.

-Is that everything you want from the store today, bruv?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure though, bruv?

-Yeah, course.

-I'm pretty sure we sell those items on aisle two, bruv.

-We do, bruv.

-Do a price check for me.

-No worries, man.

-It's coming up at £7.99.

A baby T-shirt for some reason

but you're still going to have to pay innit?

-Boya, baggit.

-Er, what are you doing?

-I'm bagging it.

Are you suggesting you didn't get that from aisle two, bruv?

No, of course not.

Aaaah!

You got it from another store, bruv. I get it, I get it.

See, see, see. You got a receipt, though?

With all the feedback from the show, it's Liam Piam.

Simon at hashtag says,

"Baggit, baggit,

baggit, baggit."

Sweet!

Look, we'll go and see Family Misfortunes, Inel.

Boris and Norris are great

but I hear the producers are looking for fresh talent.

-Hi, I'm Boris Horace.

-And I'm Norris Glorris.

And welcome to Family Misfortunes.

So, here we are once again meeting two families for a chance to

win big money and some magnificent prizes.

Why don't you tell them what they can win, Boris.

Well, the lucky family tonight can win an all expenses paid trip

to a luxurious resort in Mauritius.

APPLAUSE

Let's meet our contestants, shall we? Come on up.

OK, right, we asked 101 school kids,

what would you rather be doing than your homework?

Watch the Johnny And Inel Show.

Our screen says...

..it's the top answer!

JOHNNY: This show is wicked!

And you've won our mystery prize which is the family

selection of underpants.

And may I say, I've given those babies a test drive

and they are as snug as a bug.

But you'll have to get them off me first, ha-ha!

Oh, Norris, you tease, you.

These guys are machines.

Don't worry I've been making notes. Let's go and prepare.

It's a big audition, Inel,

we could be the new faces of Family Misfortunes.

The Only Way Is Blondie!

Firstly, I'd just like to say how lucky you girls are to get

this far in the competition as I could have made

anybody in the entire school my BFF but I just narrowed

it down to you two, so, obviously, show your appreciation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, my gosh.

This decision is, like, so hard to make.

I wish I could be my own BFF so I could make it easier on myself.

But I have finally come to a decision.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

My new on-screen BFF will be...

This decision is, like, too hard for me to make

so, therefore, I've decided that I'm going to make you both my BFFs

and you're going to share the responsibility.

SHE SCREAMS

For sure? Really? I haven't won anything in my entire life.

Oh, my gosh. This is like the best day of my life ever.

Better than when I was born, even.

I'm sure it was.

Right, now that I have my new BFFs behind me,

there's nothing to stop the new age Destiny's Child.

We're going to run this school.

Listen up, peeps.

Me and my girls are going to run the school.

So if you want to be down with us,

you need to be able to wear your hair like this.

You need to be able to talk like this.

Oh, my dizzy, dizzy days.

And you need to know this - we run this world.

MUSIC: "Run The World (Girls)" by Beyonce

LAUGHTER

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Hey, Blondie. ALL:

-Hey.

Whatever, Chanice. Wahoo.

See ya!

Blondie?

I trust you're behaving yourself.

Eh, of course I am, sir.

Next time on TOWIB...

And this is my mum Denise.

Did you take your shoes off at the door?

As you can see, my family's pretty crazy!

Next up...Rampz!

-It's morning at the ramps, and I'm joined by Chad.

-And cut.

-I told you not to call me that, man.

-61, take two.

Marker.

I'm here with the king of the skaters, Chad.

And king of the ramps.

And king of the ramps.

So tell me, King Chad,

what's an average day like for you down here at the skate ramps.

Good question. Jeez, let me think about it for a second.

Here's a word - epic. Mega. Crazy. Gnarly.

Gnarly - meaning to do something totally extreme,

totally radical, involving totally crazy skills.

I'm about to do some gnarly skills now.

Hope you're watching.

First up, I'm Chad, leader of Skate Till Late Crew.

Over here, shuffle round to my right.

This guy is renowned for the craziest grinds all the time.

Grind, grind, grind, grind. Give it up for my main man, Glen.

Shuffle round to my left.

I've got another crazy skater, renowned for his awesome kick flips.

Give it up for my main man.

I'm not going to lie, dude. I don't even know your name.

It's Giles.

HE SNORTS Giles.

Dude, you cannot be part of an epic skate team like mine

with a name like Giles. You need to be cooler than that.

I'm going to give you a cool name.

Ben.

OK.

OK, could you show us some of your rad skate moves now?

Oh, that's a shame because I haven't got my board with me at the moment.

Isn't that your board?

What, this?

Oh, this board? Oh, no, that's Ben's.

Can I see it?

Er. Yeah, yeah, sure.

There you go.

Yeah, it says, "Chad."

Yeah, that's his name, dude.

It's Ben Chad, and Ben Chad's not going to let me skate on his board,

cos my awesomeness might break it in half.

Isn't that right, Ben Chad?

Right. So do you want to give us a tour of the ramps?

Tour of the ramps. Let's go!

Right, over here we got a crazy ramp.

Man, once I did a grind on there for like two minutes straight

and people were like, "Hey, when are you going to stop grinding, Chad?"

I was like "Never." Ain't that right, Glen?

I don't know, I wasn't there.

OK, well, Glen wasn't there, but it, like, happened, dude.

Hey, yo! Hey, yo!

Oh, who's that?

Is this a friend of yours?

What are you all filming, though?

Well, Chad was telling us about the ramps

and how he's, like, king of the ramps.

Oh, is that right, chatty boy? King of the ramps, yeah?

Is that you?

Like, you know, it's getting late. I'm going to get out of here, man.

You know what?

Suddenly the ramps ain't as cool as they were five minutes ago.

See you later, guys.

Inel is at a big audition at Family Misfortunes, don't mess it up.

Hi, I'm Johnny and I'm Inel.

Whoa, whoa, whoa that's my line. I say the bit in yellow.

Calm down, Inel. These execs make me panic.

Uh?

Let's meet our guests, shall we?

AUDIENCE OOHS

Well, next up is the bonus round, Lorraine,

where all your points will be doubled.

Tripled. Tripled.

BELL DINGS I'm going to...

Ask me a question?

Inel, questions!?

I don't have any questions, just look at your notes or something.

You'll struggle to get me out of my pants, Lorraine.

You what?

You can't have my pants even if you want them.

I don't want them.

No, look! The executives are starting to leave.

Quick, Inel, do something.

Stop 'em.

Thou shall not pass!

Excuse me.

Well, I guess we blew it.

-Well, YOU did.

-Me?

Well, I guess game shows just ain't for me.

Couldn't agree more, mate.

Think I'm going to go back to Johnny and Inel.

I know how to do that one.

-AUDIENCE:

-Bye!

Let's cut to a sketch.

On today's Johnny Kyle. Aladdin tells Genie,

"You owe me a wish and I want it back."

So, Aladdin, you brought this guy Genie on the show

because apparently he's betrayed you

and not followed through on his promises to you.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

That is exactly right, he promised me three wishes, Johnny.

And while I've got the first two,

check the bling, check the creps,

I am still waiting on the last one.

And what exactly have you done for him?

Nuttin'.

It's one of those relationships, is it? Completely one way!

You're just a taker, are you?

Well, I'll tell you what,

I don't know why this Genie guy stands for it.

But let's get him out here on the Johnny Kyle Show

and see his side of the story.

Guys, give it up for Genie.

You all right, our Kyle?

-How are you?

-Yeah, dead good, dead good.

May I say what a wonderful lamp that is?

Yeah, cheers, our Kyle.

It's not much but, you know, it's home.

So, yeah, I'm not just gonna sit here while this guy Aladdin just

bad mouths me to the nation.

-I mean, I gave him his three wishes.

-Dude, you gave me two.

Oi! Button it!

You might be able to push this guy around,

getting him to do everything for you, but it won't work with me.

Not on my show.

Thanks, our Kyle, that's boss, that.

Yeah, as I said, I gave him his three wishes.

He used his last wish during an argument with his girlfriend Jasmine

and he said - and I quote - "I wish she'd leave me alone".

And she ain't spoken to him since.

That is not what I meant!

I meant because she was bothering me to go shopping with her.

-How am I supposed to know that?

-Oh, just stop it!

I am sick to the back teeth of listening to you whining on,

like the world owes you something.

Do you know what I wish? I wish you'd just get out of my sight.

-What happened there?

-Well, you asked for it, so I made it happen.

Look, I'm the only one who makes people disappear round here.

Get him out of here!

-Get out!

-Kyle, what you doin'? I like your show!

Oversized Smurf.

Eh, mate, give that back. Give it back.

Now that's done, who's next?

Just get out of it.

Who's in the booth today?

It's Doc Brown.

-# Bants in the booth

-Get up, get up

# Bants in the booth. #

Oh, look, it's Doc Brown!

-Oh, wicked, how you doin', Doc Brown?

-What's happening?

Give me some skin, bruv. Respect.

Me too. Me too, me too!

Safe, safe, safe.

You are the star of the CBBC show The Four O'Clock Club.

# So long as Josh doesn't embarrass me

# Too much as best man when he has a speech

# So long as there's a great crowd

# Then I know that my mum and my in-laws, I made proud... #

Now, Doc.

Now that we know you're a top actor, wicked rapper

and a funny guy comedian as well, are your parents proud?

I mean, what do they think of your success?

My mum, she loves it, man.

If I had any awards or anything like that, she's got them.

Not even on the mantle, like, in her handbag ready to pull out.

It's kind of a way of saying, "Yep, I made that."

Have you got any, like, hidden talents?

PLAYS THEME TO LONE RANGER

Who needs a drum kit?

I'll be real with you, I don't think I've ever shared that with anybody,

so that's, like, a world exclusive.

We're trying to get into a bit of music at the moment.

Have you heard about the very successful music group...

Jinel!

TUNELESS SINGING

I've heard a little about them.

Sometimes it comes on in the house every now and again,

but then someone shuts it off.

You can almost sense the desperation of the people running

to turn it off, it's weird.

-Fine.

-That's fine.

Right, we better get on with these photos.

And the final one. Three, two, one.

Hold it, hold it.

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

-Hold it.

-Sorting out the ISO.

-Got it. Got it.

-Just waiting for the flash, man.

-Just hold up.

-Hold it.

It's coming up.

-Hold it, hold it.

-Keep it.

Your lip's shaking, mate. Lip's shaking there, isn't it?

It's coming out, it's coming out.

Hold it.

Hold it.

DOC LAUGHS

-Oh, that one!

-That's it.

That's it.

Thank you very much, Doc Brown, for giving us

some serious Bants In The Booth.

-# Bants in the booth

-Get up, get up

-# Bants in the booth

-Get up, get up

-# Bants in the booth

-Get up, get up

# Bants in the booth. #

And, next, we go to the Salon, with Ernesto and Julio.

Welcome to the great Ernesto...salon.

And me, Julio.

Julio! Play me some music from Francais.

Sure thing, Ernesto.

MUSIC STARTS

I am ready. Julio!

MUSIC STOPS Onions.

Ony-ony-ony-onions.

MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN

MUSIC STOPS

It is so beautiful.

Julio! Ripe fromage!

MUSIC STARTS UP

MUSIC STOPS

Julio! Garlic.

Garlic.

MUSIC STARTS

It is complete. MUSIC STOPS

Voila!

LA MARSEILLAISE PLAYS

I don't like it.

The fromage, it must be stale.

Julio!

-SNIFFS

-Urgh.

And, now, back to the studio.

-Hi, guys! Hey!

-ALL CHEER

Hi! Don't know about you, Johnny,

but I love being on the Johnny And Inel Show.

I mean, I love the set, the audience, everything.

I love our show, the production team - everything about our show,

I just love!

Especially you and you and you!

High-five. High-five.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

And not forgetting you guys at home.

No. There's Faye, Jasmine, Taylor...

Marcus, Ciaran, Heidi...

We get it, we can't get through everybody.

-Can we finish up the show, please?

-Oh, right, OK.

We're gonna keep making it look good...

..the only way Johnny and Inel could.

-A-ha!

-Hit the music!

-Fraser.

-Emily.

-Kai.

-Yeah, Chloe.

-Bob.

-Gavin.

-Kai.

-Jason.

-Mason.

-Christopher.

-And...and...Kai.

Nathan, there's Nathan.

-Donna.

-And...

THEY CARRY ON READING NAMES