Episode 1 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Across the UK sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:06 | |
What does it want from us? | 0:00:06 | 0:00:07 | |
Thousands of children hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
..The Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Did someone say my name? | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
Joke machine, activate! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Oh! Joke machine, activate! | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
MACHINE RUMBLES | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers! | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Come on, come on, come on. I want some jokes! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
A guy goes into a restaurant and he says, | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
"Waitress, will my pizza be long?" | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
And the waitress says, | 0:01:00 | 0:01:01 | |
"No, sir, it will be round." | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
Ha-ha-ha! That's really good. Ah...have I got any pizza here? | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
Yay! | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
Send in the next one! | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
Why are bananas so good at gymnastics? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
Cos they're great at doing the splits. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
-BUZZER -Oh, that really hurt my funny bone. Get out. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
You creep, get a life! | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Look around, yeah? I've got like a spaceship, yeah? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
That's the best kind of life a man could have! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Ahh! | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
Have fun in the sun. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
Doctor, Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my nose. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:38 | |
Oh, yes, I can see. Do you want some cream with that? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
You put they OK in joke. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Oh, yeah! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
How do you stop from dying? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Stand in the living room. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:52 | |
-BUZZER -So awful! | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
You should not be the Joke Master! | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
What, who's going to be the Joke Master? | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Cos it sure as heck isn't going to be you. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
I think you've beaten me. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:04 | |
La-la-la! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
Ah! | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
-Start running, buddy. -It's getting close! | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
You can't run fast enough, can you? Ha-ha-ha! | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
So much backchat. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
What runs around a field but never moves? | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
Don't know. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
A fence. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
Ha-ha, yes! Funny and factual. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
Yes, mate! | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
Do the robot, do the robot. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Jeff though an onion was the only food that could make him cry, | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
so they hit him in the head with a coconut. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
-BUZZER -You've just reported a crime. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
Uf... | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
I'll get you. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:49 | |
Bring me the new class! | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
ALL: Oh, yeah! | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
One, two, three... Jokes! | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
I've got the brand-newest BMW... | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
The proper brand-newest... | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
My friend has the oldest one. We decided to... | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
BOOS | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
I put on... | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
Next! | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
What's Rihanna's favourite fruit? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Ba-na-na, what's my name? | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
Oh, cos it rhymes! It rhymes! | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Yes! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Cos I love a rhyme. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
What do bunnies like to play? | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
Don't know. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
Hopscotch. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:37 | |
Oh, my Lord, that is bad. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:41 | |
You are pathetic! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
I'm not pathetic! You know who's...pathetic? | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
I...it's not me! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Ahh! | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Ahh! Who's a good boy? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
What's the hardest key to turn? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
A donkey. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:58 | |
A donkey, yes! | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
Nice entrance. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
-Why is a horse like a wedding? -I don't know. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
They need a groom. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
-BUZZER -Well, I'm trying to see the funny, but I just can't see it. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
You wouldn't know funny if it hit your face. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
Grr! | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Next! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
Why is it not ideal to play cards in the jungle? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
Because there are too many "cheetahs." | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
-BUZZER -Yeah, the thing is cheetahs live on the grassland. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
There'd be no need for their speed in the jungle. Get out. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Hmm... Who is the victor? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
It was... | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
You! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
Hamstel Junior! | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
ALL: Boo! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:54 | |
Oh, thumbs down. Oh, I'm scared. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
Some good jokes there, team, but not enough! | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later! | 0:05:00 | 0:05:04 |