Tickle Tournament The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many years ago, a terrible plague consumed

the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard, sent out to scour

the Earth for precious ingredients.

After many years, he returned with an antidote.

The King's sons, Princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

-THEY GASP

-And the last to be cured.

They were banished from the kingdom,

along with their trusty mage, Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant Lutin.

All, never to return until they had collected the ingredients

to remake the antidote.

And so, The legend Of Dick And Dom had begun.

In Bottom World, the sun shone brightly,

the trees glowed like emeralds, and everything was beautiful.

BUZZING

Anyway, Princes Dick, Dom and their loyal companions continued on their

brave quest, sworn to fight danger and face fear.

Run!

I love dreams like this.

-You're not asleep. This is actually happening, you idiot!

-Yeah, right.

Like I'd steal a lot of fish and shove them down my pants.

Does that sound like something I would do?

HE SHOUTS MENACINGLY

SHE SQUEALS

"Come on a heroic quest," you said.

"Riches beyond your wildest dreams," you said.

Does this look like a dream?

-I think that looks more like a trout.

-Fear not, friends.

I will cast a magnificent spell to rid us of the angry fishmonger.

-No!

-No, don't!

No, 'tis nothing, 'tis nothing.

It's a spell to make us all invisible.

Panini, linguini, the Tweenies, Velcro!

Oh, great, now we look like a bunch of lanky emus,

and not even invisible lanky emus.

Argh!

Argh!

Wait!

The running stops here.

Why? Cos we're going to face the danger?

No, because of the lake.

-Oh, great(!) So now we've just gotta stand here?

-Mm.

HE SHOUTS MENACINGLY

Oh, great(!) So now I'm just going to get hit by that thing?

Oh, great(!) So now I'm going to fall over?

This is it, this is the end. You've been like a brother to me, Dom.

-I am your brother, you twonk!

-True.

HE SCREAMS

-HE SHOUTS MENACINGLY

-Argh!

-Oh.

-CRASHING

HE LAUGHS

Oh.

HE SHOUTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

-Must be some sort of animal trap.

-Should have an elf warning on it.

-Right, is everyone OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

SHE COUGHS

Eurgh, that is gross.

I have seen this conjury before.

Lutin has been hexed with the curse of ooh-has.

-Who has?

-She has.

SHE COUGHS

FROG RIBBETS

The curse can last a whole day, or I could conjure up an enchantment

-to instantly cure you.

-No, I'll wait the day, thanks.

Suit yourself.

SHE CONTINUES COUGHING

SHE RETCHES

CHICKEN CLUCKS

BOTH: Whoa!

So, what is it we're looking for anyway?

Let me remind you.

One magnofish.

Yes, the rarest fish in all of Bottom World, highly prized for

its powers of magnetism.

So magnetic is the magnofish, that during battle you can hold it

and control your opponent's sword or rip his shield from his body.

It's very useful for getting coins from behind cupboards.

So we've got to find a magnetic fish out of all of this lot.

-I'm afraid so.

-This could be the magnofish.

Try it, try it.

-Oh, no, no.

-No, I reckon it's this one.

-No, no.

-Is it...?

No.

I'd say they're not from round here.

Yeurgh!

Eurgh! No. Oh!

My new blue tunic's ruined.

Right, well, it's none of these fish.

Let's get out of here.

SHOUTING

Aw, it's the elf. We can't leave him there like that.

No, you're right, we should steal his valuables.

-No, we should go and help him.

-He's sounding pretty angry though.

In that case, we need to face our fears.

-Mannitol, you go.

-Oh!

HE SHOUTS

Hello, nice, friendly, evil... Argh!

SHOUTING

Mannitol, don't go anywhere.

We will get you out.

You be looking for a magnofish?

-How did you know that?

-Wizardry?

I overheard you say it two minutes ago.

Do you know what one looks like?

We cannot say.

Do you know where one is?

We cannot say.

There's a pike in it for you.

Now we can say. You be finding the magnofish...

..over there.

There it is. And it's the first prize in a tickling tournament.

-We could win that.

-Hey, how hard can it be? Anyone can tickle.

Well, we could just steal the fish.

No, no. Look, I'm good at tickling, right?

Actually, I'm more than good, I am brilliant.

And everyone else here is a right weedy loser.

Look at him over there, he's a loser. Them two, loser, loser.

-You two, loser, loser, lo...

-HE GASPS

Are you talking about us?

No. We were just admiring your...outfits.

We are the Two Shadows.

We are the champions.

-Champion what? Champion wallies?

-Shut up!

Think you're funny, do you? You two ain't from round here.

No, we're not. We're here to win the tickling tournament

and get the magnofish for...

We're just browsing, actually.

I've got an idea.

Two of you, two of us.

Hey, he can count.

Shut it! I think it's time for a little warm-up tickle. Ready?

Right, standard tickle rules apply.

No ear-pulling, no farting, no gurning.

First ones to laugh are the losers.

Let's tickle!

Go! Go! Dick and Dom! Yeah! Now who's going to look stupid?

THEY MAKE TICKLING NOISES

Oh, dear.

THEY TRY TO SUPPRESS LAUGHTER

Have some of that!

DICK AND DOM LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

You cheated! Impressive.

-That wasn't fair!

-That wasn't fair!

Win the tournament? You pair aren't going to get past the first round.

We've got two days till the tickling tournament.

I know, we're in deep trouble, Dom.

-DEEP VOICE:

-You must trust your fingers.

-What's wrong with your voice?

-I didn't say anything.

-DEEP VOICE:

-To walk the road to victory,

you must first remove the gravel from the shoe of despair.

Your voice is all weird, like a constipated troll.

-It wasn't me.

-It was me.

I am Moonfinger.

Some call me Tickle Guru.

Some call me Cheesy Ying.

But you can call me...

-..Mr Moonfinger.

-HE CLEARS THROAT

I have trained every champion tickler in Bottom World.

THEY START GIGGLING

With my help, you can climb the hill of hope

and swim in the pond of glory.

-What do you say?

-You're really tickling me.

Oh, sorry.

We must make haste, my young princes.

You only have two short days to learn the tickling skills

of a lifetime.

We could still just nick the fish.

No! We are brave princes.

We win things through hard work.

We will toil every single hour that we have to become tickling masters,

-however tough or painful it is.

-Lutin has got a point.

No, I'm the oldest and what I say goes.

I say we become tickling masters. Everyone agreed? Good.

LAUGHTER Get off!

Intel, Montel...Loreal, Pillow!

Tofu!

They said they'd be here soon. They promised.

My pupils, to become a champion tickler

demands focus, concentration...

..and total dedication.

Oi!

Before we can tickle, we must first learn to breathe.

I can breathe already.

But you must learn control, my young prince.

Stand with your eyes shut.

Do not move and just breathe for the count of ten.

HE GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY

-Him, it was him!

-You must remember control.

No tickling.

Now, just concentrate.

-Begin.

-GONG SOUNDS

Must concentrate! Must not get angry!

HE SHOUTS ANGRILY

No, no, no. No, you must remain calm.

THEY GIGGLE

-CRASHING

-Out!

Never in all my years of teaching have I seen

such disobedient madness.

Apart from that dwarf with three legs.

I should never have started this.

It was a mistake and I apologise.

Please, take your friends and leave this place.

-Disaster.

-I know, I left my toothpaste behind.

No, the quest, it's over.

Without Mr Moonfinger, we can't get the magnofish.

Without the magnofish, we can't complete the potion.

Without the potion, we can't go home.

And if we can't go home... we can't...

SHE COUGHS

-Aw, hello, you little pussy.

-HISSING

Will you concentrate?!

We can't go back to Mr Moonfinger's, we'd look stupid if we went back.

Wouldn't we?

-What do you want?

-We're back.

Truth is,

we really need you, Mr Moonfinger.

I know we've behaved stupidly, but without you, we'll never get home.

I know we've broken your feathers and laughed at your stupid outfit

and trashed your gong...

-Put jam in your bed.

-Stole your horse.

Squashed your pet monkey.

This time, we won't let you down.

We won't. We'll give it our best shot.

We won't falter!

We won't even laugh at your age, again, probably.

We won't give up

until we are the best ticklers in the whole of Bottom World!

-50 gold coins.

-30?

Done.

-The 32 of hearts?

-HE SHOUTS

Oh, er... Oh, come on, my princes! Come on, my princes.

My pupils...

the key to winning

is not here

or here.

But it is here.

What, we head-butt them?

Yee-ha!

Yeah!

Yeah! MOONFINGER GIGGLES

You have done well, my young sons.

-He's not our dad.

-Shut up, just go with that.

But there is still one thing that you must know.

In order to be truly worthy of the tickle title,

you must learn the secret

that has been passed down through generations.

The telepathic tickle.

Tickling without touching.

Stand like this.

And picture the tickle.

Focus on your opponent.

Oh, come on, guys.

And now, here is the secret of the telepathic tickle,

never to be repeated.

HE MOUTHS

-Can you repeat that?

-Oh.

Seriously, guys...

SHE GIGGLES

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Excellent. Finally, you're both ready.

Now you must go.

Leave this place

and give me that revenge which I seek on my old enemy.

But remember...with great tickling...

Comes great responsibility?

No, cheesy fingers.

THEY SNIFF Eurgh!

Thanks, Moonfinger, we won't let you down.

For an old man, you are pretty amazing.

And as for you, Lutin, I know you've been going

around taking my belongings.

And I have one thing to say to you. Thank you.

I've been meaning to clear that worthless old tut out for ages.

Now you've saved me the trouble.

And so, goodbye, Princes Dick and Dom.

You must go. The tournament is about to begin

and I am tired.

So very tired.

-HE CRIES

-Two years I've been with them

doing their spells and getting them out of trouble.

And this is the thanks I get.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the first round of the Bottom World tickling championship.

Please put your hands together,

welcome to the ring, newcomers Princes Dick and Dom of Fyredor.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And they'll be taking on, all the way from Lower Sprange,

Weeny Mo and Meany Mo.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Are they standing a long way away?

-No, you idiot, they're really tiny.

For experts like us, this is going to be a cinch.

Do not laugh or you will lose.

Let tickling commence.

Now, I'm going to attack first. I'm the eldest.

No, I want to try out my new special move, the Super Dick Tickle.

You must trust your fingers, Princes.

BOTH: Moonfinger?

Get up off your saddle cheeks and tickle.

-Thanks, Moonfinger.

-That's all right.

We all need a little encouragement now and...

Hang on a minute, why am I up here?

I am not dead!

-Get me down. Get me down!

-PFFT!

Who did that?

CHEERING

THEY LAUGH

CHEERING

Winners, Princes Dick and Dom.

Princes Dick and Dom versus the Green Haystack.

SHE LAUGHS

Easy, easy, easy, easy!

Princes Dick and Dom versus the Slimeball.

Winners, Dick and Dom.

Ladies and gentlemen, time now for our final round,

Princes Dick and Dom Versus reigning champions the Two Shadows.

But before we begin, an announcement.

The competition judges have decided that tickling is very silly.

So our final event is to be pillow fighting.

Goodbye.

Typical.

Good morning, lads. Today is your lucky day.

I am a travelling salesman.

-He must be.

-Looks just like one.

Got a moustache and everything.

How would you gents like to buy some rare and valuable artefacts?

I've got all sorts in here.

A trophy, a door knocker, a swingy bit from a clock.

It's just all the old tat from Moonfinger's house.

He's been meaning to get rid of that for ages.

SHE COUGHS

Oh, bum!

SHE COUGHS AND RETCHES

How about a nice piece of snake meat instead?

-Get it off me, get it off me! Vile!

-I don't want it, I don't like them!

THEY GROAN

-Did we win?

-Yep!

First prize!

Yeah! I told you I was brilliant.

-Yeah!

-Run!

Ah. Oh, we... came back as soon as we could.

I can't believe I doubted you, friends!

And I won the magnofish.

Splendid, splendid.

So, what's the escape plan?

Let's get the magnofish in the vial first, and then...

we'll talk about the escape plan in a minute.

And so the first vital ingredient was added to the potion.

So, the escape plan.

Um...well...

You don't know, do you? You weren't going to come back at all.

I have been entrapped in this dank hole for days,

whilst my three friends have just been living it up.

-HE MUTTERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

-Get them!

THEY LAUGH

And thus another quest ended for our fearless adventurers.

Their journey would continue,

looking for new lands, new ingredients and new pants.

But for now, they could savour another glorious victory.

Good old cheesy fingers.

-Help!

-Help!

-Help!

-Help us!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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