Milk The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many years ago, a terrible plague

consumed the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard, sent out to scour

the Earth for precious ingredients.

After many years, he returned with an antidote.

The king's sons, Princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

And the last to be cured. They were banished from the kingdom, along

with their trusty mage, Mannitol, and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

All never to return until they had collected the ingredients to

remake the antidote.

And so,

the Legend of Dick and Dom

had begun.

After many long days on the road, one day realising the

map was upside down, and even more days going back the way they came,

Princes Dick and Dom pitched camp with their valiant band.

They awoke, refreshed and ready to breakfast like kings.

Are you sure kings eat porridge?

-Oh, yeah. All the time.

-So where do you want this cauldron?

Good news, your princelinesses! The next item you seek on your quest.

Great(!) What have I got to trudge around looking for this time, then?

The pit of despair?

The end of the Earth?

The stench of a monkey's bum?

You've smelt Dom's sleeping bag, then.

Yes. Very funny.

You're a comedy genius, aren't you?

Yup. Watch this.

-(MUFFLED:)

-The porridge has gone up my nose!

Save some for us!

Hey! You're pulling my face. No! Not the face!

Look, it's fine. I'M fine. Just leave it alone, OK?

-Everything's fine.

-Right. So, what rare and mystical thing do we need?

Well, the new message on the scroll says

the next item you seek is...

..a pint of milk.

Finally, something simple!

Brilliant! There's a whole flask of it inside that tent.

Oh, no. Um, we haven't.

The milk elves must have pinched it.

Not the milk elves again!

That's the third time this week. Typical! ..Mannitol, got any milk?

No, but I could always magic this twig into a pint of milk.

-No!

-Who else round here would have any milk?

-What about cows!

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Cows don't drink milk.

-No, I mean we could milk a cow.

There must be a cow round here somewhere.

Mmm. Porridge?

Anyone?

'And so, our gallant princes set about their task in Earnest.

'But Earnest was deserted, so they tried the next town.'

You've all forgotten, then?

-Forgotten what?

-What day it is.

Of course! The sale starts at Dwarf World!

We-hey!

We-hey!

We-hey!

We-hey!

Yes, that's as may be.

But today's also my birthday.

I never ask for much, but all I hope is that my only friends in the whole

land maybe spare me a thought.

And buy me a massive present.

-I mean, you really think we'd forget something like that?

-Yes.

-Er...

-Oh, look, look, look, look what I got you.

See, Mannitol's got you a card.

-The ink's still wet.

-And I got you this present. Look, a belt.

Well, it's from us all, really.

Isn't that YOUR belt?

Not good enough. It's my birthday!

OK, look, we weren't going to tell you, but we've got you

a lovely surprise and we're going to give it to you...later.

Good! What?

Oh, look. The town gate!

Hello. I'm t' gatekeeper. How can I help you?

Can you open the gate?

Yes, I can. I'm very good at that. That's why I'm town gatekeeper.

No, no, no. We'd like to stay here.

-Stay there, then!

-No, what he means...

Hello. Can I help? I'm Tom, the innkeeper.

Yes, it's the gatekeeper. He's a bit, er...

-He's...

-What? Thick?

-Yes.

-No, not exactly thick...

-No, I AM thick!

Oh, yes. He IS...thick. And so am I!

We're all thick here! Welcome to Thick.

Everybody here is thick and proud of it. My father was thick.

HIS father was thick.

And HIS father was...was...

-Thick?

-Ginger. AND thick.

So what brings you here, then?

Well, we're after a pint of a milk.

GASPS AND SCREAMS

You ought not to be saying things like that round here.

What? Milk?!

GASPS AND SCREAMS

Let me tell you.

It's a tragic tale. Thick used to be such a prosperous town.

We were famous for two things - being thick and having great milk.

We had rolling hills, lush green p...

Oh... P-P-P...

-Parents?

-No. P...

-Porcupines?

-No. P...

Pastures! And cows - hundreds of beautiful cows.

About a year ago, all that changed.

Something started happening to the cows.

They started to go m...m...

Mental?

-No. M-M-M...

-Morris dancing?

No. Missing, missing! One by one, all of our cows disappeared.

Luckily the witch doctor who lives on the hill - thank heavens

for him - he'd only just moved here, but he spotted it.

Said we'd angered the milk gods. We were so thick we didn't even

know there WERE any milk gods! But it was too late. Thick had run dry.

-The schools have no milk, the babies have no b...b...b...

-Beards?

Bottles. And it was a lucky man who could lay his hands on a yoghurt.

It's a terrible thing. The whole town's suffering.

The only person who has any milk is the good witch doctor.

But he has to make that by magic.

Right, then. This is my inn. This is my wife and this is my son.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-You all right? I'm Prince Dick.

-I'm Prince Dom.

-Tom?

-Dom.

-Tom?

-What?

-Dom.

-What?

-Eh?

-And these are our trusty servants.

-ALL:

-All right.

-So what brings you to Thick?

-We're looking for some milk.

GASPS AND SCREAMS AND GLASS SMASHES

-Sorry.

-You won't find milk for a thousand miles in any direction.

Perhaps we'd better stay HERE tonight...?

Well, stay there, then.

In.

-Right, one milkshake?

-That's mine.

There's no milk. So, just the shake.

Ah! Yeah!

Ah!

Here's your cheese and biscuits. Obviously, no cheese.

Oh, and we've run out of biscuits. SNORING

What a great birthday I'M having(!)

At least I've got my surprise to look forward to. Can't wait!

We'll come back to that later.

Now, listen, we need to think of a plan.

If we're gonna continue this quest and get back home,

we need to think of a way to...

make milk.

-Why don't we milk a dog?

-Don't be so stupid!

We can do better than that!

Like mother always said, "You can milk anything with nipples."

-Are you sure it's even a girl dog?

-DOG WHINES

It'll be fine!

DOG YELPS

DICK SCREAMS

Stupid dog!

So that's one plan down - what else have we come up with?

This is the milk spell of King Semi of Skimmedon.

It is passed down from one wizard to the next.

-How did YOU get it, then?

-And is it going to work?

Shh! You must never question the ancient art of wizardry.

It's about 50-50, then.

What is that strange man doing, Mummy?

He's going to turn that bucket of manure into milk and save us

-with his heroic magic.

-Get in!

Honda...Masala...

Vectra...

Harpic!

FLY BUZZES

HE SNIFFS THEN RETCHES

Oh...!

So, basically, it's like a rain dance,

but instead of water, we get milk.

I feel like a proper idiot.

-Somebody call?

-Not you.

-Oh.

-Go on, then.

-Right, just follow me.

-Right.

DOM GRUNTS AND DICK REPEATS

THEY SCAT

Milky! Milky!

-So you think that'll work, then?

-THUNDER CRACKS

-Of course.

-HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

-Milk!

-Yeah!

Milk!

CROW CAWS

-Not milk!

-DOM RETCHES

Definitely not milk!

Not milk!

This better not be my birthday surprise.

This is beneath the dignity of a talented wizard.

Well, YOU shouldn't have any problems, should you?

We're running out of ideas.

We never had any ideas.

-Put it on. Put it on!

-Come on.

What's the one thing that'll attract cows back to a town? Bulls!

And this is one handsome bull!

Now, run around these fields and you'll have cows following you back

-before you can say...

-Moo?

-Moo.

-(MUFFLED:)

-I suppose it is rather an adventure.

Shut up.

See you later! It'll be fine!

And so Lutin and Mannitol set out to find and entice

back the missing cows of Thick...

..helped on by some of the local children.

CHILDREN SHOUT

-Milk-divining sticks?

-Yep.

Got them for thruppence on Ye-bay. They're the latest thing.

You've heard of water-divining sticks that find water?

These are milk-divining sticks to find milk.

And you didn't think to mention these before the others dressed up

and made idiots of themselves?!

No.

All right, let's give them a go.

WHOOSHING

Oh.

-WHOOSHING

-Ooh.

-WHOOSHING

-Ooh!

ZAPPING

Ah...!

Doesn't seem to be... Ah!

THEY SCREAM

We must be near a cow soon.

I wonder where we are.

TINKLING Wait.

I can hear running water!

Yes, my apologies. I was desperate.

Oh! They'd better get me TWO birthday presents for this.

And a huge cake...made of gold. RUSTLING

-Did you hear that?

-Eh? It's probably just your dodgy hip.

I told you, I know a doctor - he'll do you a great deal.

RUSTLING

There it is again. I think someone's coming.

Hello? Who's there? I know magic!

-Ooh!

-Oh!

I've got grazes all over my body!

Really? I haven't got a scratch on me!

Oh, hang on a minute - there's a speed control after all.

They don't work anyway! There's no milk anywhere!

-Don't get angry.

-Well, don't do that.

-What, this?

-Yes. Don't do that!

One more time, I'm telling you, one more time!

Right!

CRASH!

I'm better now.

Anyway, where in this evil milk-forgotten land are we?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

BOTH: Oh...!

DOOR CREAKS

Ah! You must be Dick and Dom.

How did you know that?

I am the witch doctor.

I know everything.

-Ooh...

-Pah! Right(!)

You are princes. You are on a quest. YOU don't like walnuts.

-YOU haven't changed your pants for six days.

-Now I believe you.

So, you must come in. To find the milk that you seek, follow me.

Yes, master, my milky, witchy man.

Yes, come, come, come.

EVIL LAUGH

DOOR CREAKS

Michael here was just leaving.

There you go, Michael - the milk for your poor, sick children.

Oh, thank you, kind witch doctor!

-Thank you.

-I ask for no thanks,

save a small donation to the milk gods, of course.

Yes, of course, good doctor.

That will make the milk gods very angry!

Arrivan...

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE Eduit...

Eboombah.

EVIL LAUGH

Ah!

EVIL LAUGH

I am so lucky I can help the people of this unfortunate barren kingdom.

Those poor cows.

Nobody knows what happened to them, OK?

MOOING

Hang on a minute! Was that a...?

Chicken, yes. With a sore throat.

Oh. So, oh, great witch doctor,

can we have a pint of milk?

Of course, my poor, tired travellers!

I shall go and cast the milk enchantment,

using dark, secret, terrible magic no man should ever set his eyes upon.

-Can we watch?

-No.

-Can I watch?

-No.

-I think we best just leave him to it.

-Yes, listen to your sister.

We-hey! Squirt it, baby! MOOING

Give it to me! Big sausages! Fill me up with milk! I love it!

BUCKET CRASHES Ooh, my foot! Ah, come on!

MOOING

BUCKET CRASHES

The dark art is complete.

-Here is your milk.

-Brilliant. Right, let's get out of here.

-Wait!

MOOING

I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but...

-haven't you just got a cow?

-There are no cows. It is made by magic.

Yeah, cow-shaped magic!

It comes from my special apparatus.

-Which is actually a cow!

-There are no cows here! Certain people

ought to be very careful.

Certain people are interfering in things they know nothing about.

-Certain people might get hurt.

-Sounds terrible.

-Who are these people? We should tell them.

-I think he means us.

We should take that milk and get out of here. We've completed our quest.

No! Your quest is finished!

-No!

-Don't!

-Whoopsie!

The only thing you'll get from me now

is the other stuff that comes out of a cow!

Whatever you think you've seen here today, forget it!

That's not what the people of Thick will say when they find out!

The people of Thick are thick! They think clouds are fat sheep

that can fly in the sky! Nobody will believe you.

You're dealing with something you don't understand.

Get out of Thick! Get out of this kingdom and never come back!

Argh!

Oh...

So, it's pretty obvious who's got all the cows, then?

Yeah! ..Oh, it's him, isn't it?

Yeah. That guy gives me the hoobies anyway.

-He's nothing more than a freaky...

-Freaky.

-..messed-up...

-Messed-up.

..cow-killing, utter, utter...

Still here? SCREAMING

Lutin, where are we?

It smells dank and musty.

That's me again.

I wish you'd stop doing that! Hello!

Is this my birthday surprise? Help!

Come, come, Lutin. What's the worst that could happen?

DOOR CREAKS SPOOKILY

FOOTSTEPS

So, what exactly happened a year ago?

-All the cows went missing.

-Aha!

And what else happened a year ago?

Eh...the witch doctor arrived.

Ah! So, what does this tell us?

I've got it! >

The witch doctor's actually a cow!

No, the witch doctor's a thief!

He's captured your cows and is selling you back your milk!

That's pretty clever! No, no - bad, bad. Evil, naughty witch doctor.

But how can he sell us our milk when we haven't got any?

Argh! You're all so thick!

Thank you! Thank you!

It's no good. They've all got brains the size of a peanut.

I find that comment deeply offensive!

Look, this is hopeless. Come on. Let's get out of here.

Thank you, kind thickos. We'll leave and carry on our quest.

Have you seen our companions, by the way, Mannitol, Lutin?

-Last seen dressed as a bull, should have been here hours ago.

-Oh, no.

But my boy here did find these

up on the moors.

Said there'd been a struggle. But no sign of your friends.

You know what this means!

They've been...kidnapped!

# DUM-DUM-DUM! #

-Hang on a minute.

-Hmm?

A kid's a goat, isn't it?

Oh, yeah! You know what this means!

They've been...bull-napped!

# DUM-DUM-DUM! #

It's got to be the witch doctor.

He's taken their cows and now our friends.

We must go back there and rescue them. But we need...

a disguise.

CREAKING

These are the worst disguises ever.

They're the best I could do. And they were cheap.

Yeah, but no-one's going to fall for this!

Evening, ladies.

Well, no-one that's not thick anyway.

Where would an evil witch doctor hide a load of cows?

How about the cow barn?

Nah.

How about...the cow barn?

Yeah.

-Is it safe?

-I can't tell.

-You CAN tell me, I'm your brother.

-No, I can't tell, it's a bit dark.

WHINNYING AND MOOING

WHINNYING AND MOOING

-Knew it!

-Impressive cows, aren't they?

-Yeah, they are. Why are you speaking like that, Dom?

-It wasn't me.

So, you couldn't resist it, huh? Needed your precious milk.

Well, now you've found it. Lots of it.

My little milk factory, OK?

There's only a dozen cows. What have you done with the rest?

-I'm feeding them.

-Oh, at least you're treating them nicely.

I'm feeding them...

to Daisy.

MOOING

LOUD MOOING

Oh!

LOUD MOOING

-BOTH:

-Blimey!

This is where the cows have been going,

my little princes - to feed Daisy,

my monster cow. LOUD MOOING

Soon there will be no other cows left,

and all the milk will be mine! EVIL LAUGH

Those thickos will pay for their stupidity.

And nobody's going to stop me,

especially not two snivelling little cowards like you!

Actually, we are witch inspectors.

Yes, throw down your weapons and remove your horny hat.

I think it's a bit late for that.

You know what, you're right.

No-one's going to stop you. Jolly good. Well done. Good plan.

So we'll just turn round and...

I think not. You know too much.

It's time for you and Daisy to get better acquainted, OK?

-I've a different meal planned for her today.

-Muesli?

No! You-sli.

Ha-ha! "You-sli"!

LOUD MOOING

LOUD MOOING

-<

-Hello?

-Mannitol!

-Thank heavens!

-Lutin!

-Worst birthday ever!

LOUD MOOING

Enjoy your final moments, OK?

You two will be next.

Farewell, valiant princes!

HE GIBBERS SPELL

EVIL LAUGH

Now you cannot escape! LOUD MOOING

Please do something.

Help! Help!

ALL: It's going to eat us!

SCREAMING

EVIL LAUGH

-MANNITOL:

-It's going to eat us!

Argh...!

-DICK:

-I know. Let's milk them!

What? Mannitol and Lutin?

No, the big udders.

Help! Help!

-All right, Daisy?

-LOUD MOOING

Ah...!

No, no good, nothing.

LOUD MOOING

Oh! Hang on a minute.

I think it's working.

LOUD MOOING

LOUD MOOING

Argh!

My milk! Argh!

-Tom?

-Huh?

-What's that?

Well, it can't be!

Milk?!

Oh!

My precious milk!

Argh!

And, Daisy, what have they done to you?

Why am standing here talking to myself?

I must flee!

Ah! I did it!

-WE did it!

-Whatever.

Our friends are safe, and Daisy is...

HIGH-PITCHED MOO

-..condensed milk.

-MOO THEN NEIGHING

-It's the witch doctor.

-Yes! Come on!

He's getting away!

-Oh, Tom, you big thick idiot!

-Now, now, come on, don't flatter me.

-So what happened?

-Well, after you'd gone, we saw all the milk running

down from here and we started to put two and...two together.

My cows! There are my cows!

We know our cows had been stolen, we knew about the barn.

We knew about the on and off switch for the force field.

We knew about you.

-And you stopped the witch doctor getting away!

-What?

The witch doctor. You did stop him?

-You stopped the witch doctor getting away?

-Why would I do that?

I've just helped him onto his horse.

He's a good bloke, that witch doctor. It's nothing to do with him.

So, how do you think the cows got into the barn?!

Well, just one of those things, I suppose.

Strange things happen in the country. You're not from round here.

Right, there you go. What you came for. One pint of fresh milk.

You know what? I never thought I'd be so pleased to see a pint of milk.

-Eh, Dick?

-What?

Oh, sorry.

There you go.

MOOING

CHEERING

A-hem! >

Oh! What a day it's been.

< Today.

This special day...

Oh, yes!

-It's time for your big surprise.

-With fresh cream.

Oh!

-Ooh! Very fresh.

-Happy birthday!

Actually, it's a bit weird.

It seems like only yesterday that you celebrated your last birthday.

Yeah.

Hang on a minute. It WAS yesterday. And the day before and the...

-She's done it again!

-That cost us a month's savings!

Fear not, princes. Lutin may think she's had the last laugh,

but I know something that'll wipe the smile off her face.

Look, someone's taken rather a fancy to her.

MOOING THEN LAUGHTER

And so, the town of Thick at last had tea with milk.

Lutin's birthday was a runaway success.

And Princes Dick and Dom were one step closer to home.

THUNDER OF HOOVES AND LOUD MOOING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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