Princess Gladys The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many years ago, a terrible

plague consumed the kingdom of Fyredor.

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard, sent out to scour

the Earth for precious ingredients.

After many years, he returned with an antidote.

The King's sons, Princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

And the last to be cured.

They were banished from the kingdom with

their trusty mage Mannitol

and light-fingered servant Lutin.

All never to return until they had collected the

ingredients to remake the antidote.

And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.

Why do you get to read off the scroll?

Because I'm the eldest.

Yeah, by, like, seven seconds!

Never lets anyone forget!

Ah, look, one-legged dwarf riding a burplegriff! Where? Gotcha!

Oi, that's not fair!

And the next item on the list is... dandruff?

Isn't that when you get that white stuff in your hair?

Yes, I have a minor dandruff problem myself!

But this is not any old dandruff. This is the dandruff from the

golden hair of Princess Gladys of Weefordshire.

Did you say Princess G...

Gladys of Wee...

Weefordshire? Yeah, but he said it quicker.

I've been in love with her for years.

Princess Gladys! You keep that picture of her

shoved up your jumper.

Go on then, give us a butcher's.

No, I'm too embarrassed.

Let's have a look at this hot babe of yours.

Oh, OK!

Woah!

Beautiful, isn't she? She's a looker.

If only I was 90 years younger!

Shame you're rubbish at talking to girls. I'm not!

Oh, yeah?

Well, hello, Dom!

Oh!

Ooh!

HE GIGGLES AND FLUSTERS

I'll win Princess Gladys's hand in marriage.

You get her hand, we get the dandruff.

These princesses are usually well rich. You can rescue her,

we can nick her jewels and treasure.

Where do we find this Princess Gladys? Oh, that's easy.

You know where she is?

Yeah, one tiny princess in the whole of Bottom World?

No, I'm about to get an e-mail telling me.

What is an e-mail?

E-mail for Prince Dom!

It stands for elf-mail.

Late as usual. Yeah, whatever.

I get this delivered weekly, for princes looking for love.

Gives the location of every princess in Bottom World.

It's all a bit too hi-tech

for an old wizard like me.

Let's have a look.

Princess Doris,

Princess Frank...

Ah, Princess Gladys.

Locked up in the evil

Two-Towered Castle of the Dancing Dolphins of Doom?!

The evil Two-Towered Castle of the Dancing Dolphins of Doom?!

I've heard of these Dancing Dolphins of Doom.

They are renowned for their vicious ferocity, devious cunning

and their love of a good barn dance. A barn dance?

What, "Take your partner by the hand"? Exactly.

I'm quite partial to one myself.

Many a lady has marvelled at my dosey doe.

The Dancing Dolphins of Doom sound scary.

Why don't we pass? Besides, Dolphins don't even have

any pockets - hard to nick their wallets.

We need Princess Gladys's dandruff for the potion!

We're princes, we rescue princesses from castles. It's the rules.

I suppose.

Onwards, friends, to the evil Dolphin Castle...Two-Towered...

Can we just call it the Evil Castle? I mean, life's too short.

And so Princes Dick,

Dom and the other two trekked for many days and nights in their quest

for the evil Two-Towered Castle of the Dancing Dolphins of Doom.

Just face it, you have no idea where we are, do you?

We are sooooo lost.

That is utter rubbish.

We are definitely somewhere, here...

..on this map.

This is the whole of Bottom World. Your point is?

Why don't we just ask someone for directions? No need.

Besides, who are we going to ask?

Let's ask that fellow down there.

He's nuts! Typical bloke,

never wants to ask anyone for directions!

Yeah, but he's barking.

HE BARKS You see?

There's no-one else around!

Oh, OK, OK. Leave it to me, leave it to me.

How many have you caught today?

You're the fifth!

Very good, very good!

I'm completely sane!

HE YELPS

I'm just playing with you.

So, why are you out here

in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but rags?

I like my own company.

Not surprised, smelling like that!

It's an expression of my individuality

and belief in personal freedom.

I don't get many visitors, so I figure, why not go au naturel?

HE SNIFFS AND YELPS

Listen, listen, we're a bit lost. Well, I wouldn't say lost exactly.

Yeah, we're lost.

We are after the evil

Two-Towered Castle of the Dancing Dolphins of Doom.

The evil Two-Towered Castle of the Dancing Dolphins of Doom?

You could go that way.

Carry on in that direction all the way down the valley, until you reach

the large oak tree. Large oak tree?

Turn right, left at the stream,

follow it all the way down to the Smelly Forest.

Don't go through the Smelly Forest, it stinks!

Go round the edge till you reach the bridge that crosses

the Ravine of Desolation, then up and down the hill, through the

next valley, then left, right,

then right, left, right, then left, right.

Then follow the track until you go

over the second bridge, then you get into a field, then you'll see

the evil Two-Towered Castle of Doom right in front of you.

Cheers, mate.

Yeah, thanks for your help. No problem.

So, our intrepid adventurers continued their long journey

to the evil Two-Towered Castle of the Dancing Dolphins of Doom.

HE BARKS AND YELPS

What the...?! All right? We're back to where we started!

Have you just sent us in a massive circle?

Thought you'd like the scenic route.

But we wanted to get to the castle!

I know. Why have you sent us in the wrong direction?

I didn't. You didn't?

No, it's there.

What a complete waste of time!

Not really - think of the exercise.

You...!

Look, up there in the window at a tower!

Yoo-hoo! Over here, boys!

Princess Gladys!

Blimey, she's tiny!

She's just really far away!

Oh, right!

Say hi to the Princess for me!

So, all we have to do is

get in the door, creep past the Dancing Dolphins

climb the tower, rescue the Princess, escape.

That way, we get her dandruff for

the potion and I marry her. Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.

Ugh, it's locked!

Lutin?

Nah, they've got one of those new-fangled

triple-ratchet combination multi-lever latches.

What does that mean?

It's locked.

I could perform my legendary "Open Sesame" spell!

Last time you did that, you turned us into parrots.

I found feathers in unusual places for months.

We could try...

..the doorbell!

Like that'll work!

DOORBELL CHIMES

Ah!

SQUAWKING

You must be one of the Dancing Dolphins of Doom.

Can we come to your evil castle, please?

DOLPHIN SQUAWKS

I think that was a no!

So how are we going to get in?

Look at these walls.

BUGLE BLARES

What was that?

Who are you, then?

I am Sir Macho of Sixpackshire.

BUGLE BLARES

Heroic knight, renowned adventurer

and possessor of the shiniest, bounciest mane of man hair

in all of Bottom World!

Hi, I'm Lutin.

Love the jewellery!

Hello, m'lady!

Methinks you've stolen me heart.

Yes!

And your ring!

Just a second, what are you doing here?

Well, according to this latest elf-mail,

a certain Princess Gladys is locked up in the tower of this evil castle,

so I intend to rescue the little lady and make her my blushing bride.

Hang on! I'm here to rescue her and make her

my blushing bride!

I don't think so. You see, rescuing princesses is a

man's job, and you look like a sissy weakling mummy's boy loser to me.

What did you just call me? A sissy weakling mummy's boy loser!

And your hair's awful.

Right, come on then! You want a piece of this little mummy's boy.

You and me, right now, Sir Nachos!

All right, I can see you're a man of conviction,

so I have a suggestion.

All right, let's hear it.

How about if we join forces to rescue the Princess,

and then we let her decide whether she wants to marry me...or you?

What do you think? I reckon go for it.

We need the potion, the dandruff. Exactly.

Princess Gladys, she's going to choose me over

Poncey Pants over there. What do you think?

What? Oh, yeah, absolutely. All right, then.

You and me as a team, and then we'll let the Princess

choose her husband. Deal?

Deal.

First things first.

How to get into the castle?

The front door's a no go, we've tried that one.

People, please.

You're in the presence of an expert at rescuing princesses.

Who? Me?

Me, you old coot! Sir Macho is the best

in the business. Already liberated 30 little ladies this year alone.

So, we can't get in through the front door.

So, my train of thought is,

we're going to have to go in over the battlements.

HE BLOWS THE BUGLE

Those dolphins look like trouble.

I've got a head for heights.

Is there any way we could tunnel under?

Oh, please! Dolphins don't scare me!

I am an accomplished climber.

Follow me if you dare, pant-wetters!

Is he always this annoying?

Oh, yeah.

Ah, yes. I should be up here in no time whatso...

..ever.

Anybody got a moist towelette?

DOLPHINS LAUGH

Can't get through the door, can't climb the walls. How are we

going to get in?

I could magic us a spell to transport us over the walls?

No, not a spell. Anything but.

Transportium levitatum...

Mannitol, nooooo!

Broccoli floaty monkey magicum!

Wooahh!

I never thought I'd say this, but your spell has worked!

I know, it's brilliant!

ALL: Woah!

I think I landed on my staff!

Well, we're in the castle, there's

the Princess in that tower, and there's the entrance right over...

Oh, dear.

What?

Those Dolphins of Doom look scary to me.

The little blighters are

between us and the Princess's tower.

We might have to take them on hand-to-fin.

Madness! They're renowned to be deadly

fighters, we would never win. We're outnumbered as well.

There's got to be another way. Wait a sec.

Aren't they the Dancing Dolphins of Doom, yeah?

And Mannitol, didn't you say they had

a love for a great barn dance?

So the legend goes, yes.

I think I've got a plan.

Five, six, seven, eight.

SHE STARTS PLAYING

Barn-dance music? Nice one!

Rubbish dancers!

I think it's working!

Right, now's our chance!

How are we doing?

I think...we're about...

..halfway.

This is it! Must be her room.

Right, let's get this baby open!

It's locked. There's no key.

Stand aside.

I'll have it down in no time whatsoever!

I'd be careful, that door looks...

CRUNCHING

..solid.

Are you all right?

I think I've just dislocated my...

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Where did our father always keep the spare key to the family castle?

Under the doormat!

Ding dong!

That is one good-looking filly!

Princess, I've waited my whole life for this moment.

You're more beautiful in real life...

ALL: Woah!

Well, about time!

I'd given up on you lot!

So, which one of you is my lucky future husband, then?

Come on, boys, don't be shy.

I've been locked in this tower for years.

I'm desperate to get hitched.

I'm not marrying her. She looks nothing like her portrait.

See, blatant false advertising!

I'm not marrying her. I fought an ape's mother

more attractive than that. Listen to you!

Looks aren't everything. Inner beauty counts.

It's keeping your breakfast down that counts.

Friends, remember what's important.

We need her dandruff for the potion.

No-one really needs to marry her.

Good point.

Princess, I'm sorry but there's

been a terrible mix-up and we can't marry you because, er...

Because we're...

..already married! Brilliant!

Exactly! You're already married?

But we could do with dandruff from your hair for our potion.

No.

For a start, I don't have dandruff.

Oh, but Princess Gladys, we...

What did you just call me?

Princess Gladys. I'm not her.

No? I'm Princess Gloria.

Gladys is my sister, beautiful face, nasty dandruff.

No wonder she looks nothing like her portrait!

I am still here, you know!

Where would we find Princess Gladys?

She's in the other tower.

Yoo-hoo!

Of course, it is the evil Two-Towered Castle!

Wrong tower! An easy mistake to make.

Gotta go, see ya!

Wait, what about my wedding?!

Come back here! Rrr!

Men!

They're all the bloomin' same...

no class whatsoever.

HE BURPS

Blimey, they're still going.

Good fun this, isn't it?

CRASH!

Here I am, Gladys.

Hi, there!

So, which of you is my future husband?

Princess Gladys, may I present to you Sir Macho and Prince Dom.

Which of these fellows will you marry? Take your time.

Hmm, tricky one.

Hello.

OK, I've made my decision.

Prince Dom,

you're a really good-looking guy...

He is?! You heard the lady. And you'd make a wonderful husband.

Hey, crunchy nachos, looks like she's picked a winner.

Why, you little...

Actually I have, and the winner is...

Sir Macho!

Get in!

What?! Sorry, I just couldn't resist his luxuriant mane

of gorgeous, shiny man-hair. So dandruff-free!

I'm a big man. No, you're not - you're only four foot two!

Princess Gladys, I can accept your...decision...

on one condition.

Can we have some of your dandruff?

Sure, I don't see why not.

Oh, I don't think so, old boy! Oh, go on, give us some of your dandruff!

Now look, I won this whole princess fair and square.

I'm not leaving any of her behind, including any pieces of dandruff.

Gladys, baby, we're out of here, let's go.

So long, losers! Quick, get after them!

We'll soon have you out of here.

Oh, that is just great. Ouch!

It's always the same, isn't it, Gladys?

Oh, here we go again! Yeah, you get rescued

by the handsome prince and never me. It's the story of my life.

Well, there may be a reason for that, potato-face!

Why, you spoilt little...!

Madam, madam, Gladys and I here are just about

to leave, so if you'll excuse us...

And we were just leaving too. No-one's "just leaving"

until I get what I want. What, a replacement head?!

No. A husband.

Alas, madam, I'm already spoken for, I fear.

But the little fella's available at the back there.

Oh!

Ah, no...

No. No, no, no, I don't want to marry him. Oh.

I want to marry...that one.

Choo-choo! No, no, no. I'm too young and innocent to get married.

I haven't even kissed a girl! Well, we'll soon do something about

that - come here, handsome! Help! I'm being Dick-napped!

Get off, he's my brother! Fellas, lend a fin!

Come here, you naughty little man.

Come on.

Look! Sir Macho and Gladys are getting away!

After them!

Derek! Music, please!

JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

They're getting away!

The dandruff, Princess Gladys's dandruff, it's in her hair!

Leave it to me!

Well, we made it out in one piece, Gladys, baby,

and now there's only one thing remains for me to do -

for me to take you back to my castle and marry you ASA to the P

and then tonight we're going to...

Woah!

Gladys, what happened?

When Sir Macho saw my jam- spattered head, he did a runner!

It's OK, here's your hair back.

Thank you.

Here, let me.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, before I forget,

Dom, hold out your hands.

COUGHING

For your potion, yeah? Thanks, I forgot about that.

Prince Dom...

if you'll still have me, and you don't mind me being a jam-head girl

with a serious dandruff problem, I'd love to marry you.

Oh, Gladys!

Hold it right there before I vom.

Hello, Dom, what about the quest?

I don't care about the quest, I'm in love. You lot carry on without me.

Me and Gladys are going to buy a little castle

and have lots of little Doms, so if you'll excuse me...

What happened to Gladys?!

Hello? What have we here?

Gladys, is that you?

Princess Gladys has had a frog transmogrification curse

placed on her.

Yes, as soon as she received a snog from a man that really

loved her, like you, Prince Dom, she's turned into a little frog.

Typical! You turn princesses into frogs.

Shut up! ..Mannitol, can you reverse it?

No, virtually impossible to reverse.

Oh, Gladys!

Oh, come back, Gladys! Come back!

With another ingredient successfully found and added to the potion,

the quest could continue for our plucky foursome.

Alas for Prince Dom, his dream of marrying a beautiful princess

was not to be.

Don't say that, Gladys.

Of course we can make it work.

Or was it?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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