Dr Cheese The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many years ago, a terrible plague consumed

the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard, sent out to scour

the earth for precious ingredients.

After many years, he returned with an antidote.

The king's sons, Princes Dick and Dom were the first to be cured.

And the last to be cured.

They were banished from the kingdom, with their trusty mage Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant Lutin.

All never to return until they had collected the ingredients

to re-make the antidote.

And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.

Well, there it is, the final ingredient... The griffin's snort.

-Shame it's so disgusting, really.

-No, it's not...

I know it's snot, Mannitol, that's why it's so disgusting!

I just didn't expect the griffin's snort to come from its botty bum,

did you, Dick?

Shall we?

Are you sure it has to be smeared from the hand of a maiden?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Yeah! Hooray!

Er, Princes, shouldn't we be heading back to Fyredor to cure the kingdom?

Oh, yeah, good idea, lead the way.

Oh, no, that's fine, don't worry about me,

I'll just, er...get these, yeah?

And so our intrepid adventurers headed back home.

As it was their last journey, they decided to take the scenic route,

which was pretty much like all the other routes, just longer.

Are we nearly there yet?

No.

Are we nearly there yet?

No.

Are we...?

No!

Stop moaning or I'll ram my sausage so far up your hooter, you'll...

Oi, stop fighting!

The quest is over and pretty soon we won't be spending

much time together any more. So really we should be making

the most of the time we've got left.

We have had some good times, eh?

Princes Dick and Dom versus the Slime Ball.

THEY CHEER

It has been an most trying day. Although I didn't lose my temper!

Not for 40 years!

-Boogies!

-Argh!

A most ingenious game, it appears to have quite taken off.

Yes, er, these qualities of patience that I have...

-Can I have another biscuit?

-Er, yes...

Qualities of patience that over the years...

-Can I have another?

-If you must.

-What does this do?

That's most precious, I must respectfully ask you leave it alone.

Does the head move?

No, no, it does not, please do not touch it.

Now, I have these qualities...

-Boogies!

-Please!

Can I have another biscuit?

I did ask! I did ask you leave that alone,

don't try and mend it now,

-I am concerned...

-Can I have another biscuit?

-No...

-Boogies!

Right! Enough! Cease this nonsense!

These childish, immature, petty displays!

Pull yourselves together! How old are you?

I've never seen such pathetic members of staff in all my life!

I'll just, er, flip this back a few years.

HE PLAYS "CHOPSTICKS"

-No! You don't do that!

-What?!

You do this.

DELICATE MUSIC PLAYS

-Finished?

-No!

Finished!

Begin the marriage ceremony. And make it funny.

HE SIGHS

Knock, knock! Guess who's gathered here today?

It's us!

HE LAUGHS

THEY GRUNT

Milky! Milky!

-So you think that'll work then?

-Of course.

THUNDER ROLLS

Milk! Milk!

BIRD CAWS OVERHEAD

Not milk! Definitely not milk!

HE CACKLES

This is never going to work.

Trust me. Vampire babies love a good Mummy.

You'll be able to slip in there past them all

and give Alan all your lovely milk.

Yes, and I shall be waiting nearby with the bucket.

As soon as he starts blowing chunks I'll catch some.

Still I don't understand why I have to be the Mummy.

Goo goo, ga ga, goo goo!

Yes, he says it's because you've always looked like a girl.

Shut up!

Now, remember, don't touch anything.

Can I touch the floor?!

I mean, I'm touching it now!

Oh, oh, oh!

Wargh!

CRASHING AND BANGING

MORE CRASHING

CAT MEOWS, GLASS TINKLES

Good times.

Not long till we're greeted like heroes and showered with riches.

Gold, silver...

Cheese! Mmmmm.

Are youse lot in or out?

In!

Yay!

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In, out,

in, out,

in, out,

in, out, in, out...

Right, get out of here you wee trouble maker!

And I know where you live!

You know, maybe we should test out the potion first.

What if it's wrong?

We could try it on the guy at the border.

No, no, no, he's busy.

Ah, here comes someone. Ask him.

Good-day plaguey citizen! We are Princes Dick and Dom,

back from our quest and we are here to save you.

Not today, thank you.

No, he said, "We are Princes Dick and Dom,

"we have the cure for the plague!"

Oh, right, yeah.

Hello, my name is Hermann.

Well, how would you like to be cured of the plague?

No, thank you, I'm just going for my swimming lesson.

But wouldn't you like to be rid of those spots and...

HE SNEEZES

..sneezing?

Well, since you mention it, I have had a bit of trouble,

last week I was sick.

All right.

Ah, actually it tastes quite nice, it tastes a little bit like...

Where did he go?

Argh!Argh!

- Eurgh! - What?

Aargh!

This doesn't look good.

Good?! It's vile! It's the nastiest thing I've ever seen!

-Really?

-What, nastier than the time we...?

BABY CRIES

-He doesn't look well.

-That means he's...

Gonna vom! Mannitol, get the bucket!

Urgh!

Argh!

SHE SNARLS

I haven't seen her that angry since I sat on her hamster.

Oh!

Moo!

Hang on a minute, I think it's working!

Mmmm!

Scones!

Chicken. Mmmmm!

Grapes!

Carrots! Mmm...

Urgh!

Eww, that is gross!

SHE COUGHS

RIBBIT!

MIAOW!

Ah, hello, you little pussy!

CAT HISSES

Call that nasty? How about the time we...?

-Well, we haven't got Dick.

-Where is he?

-Over there, behind that bush.

-And what's he doing?

OW! >

You know that week-old curried haddock?

The one that smelt 50 foot away?

Dick fancied a midnight snack and it was the only thing available.

Come on, baby! Come on!

FARTING

-Eurgh!

-That's definitely the haddock.

Mashed potato is good.

You can... You can...

You can throw it at Dom's face!

Hm, let me try this.

Can I have a go?

Yep, yep!

A bit more, I think... Yep, a bit more.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

I love a happy ending.

Happy ending?!

All right! All right!

What are we going to do about that?

I have got a name, you know!

We can't give the potion to everyone if it's got side-effects.

We'll be a laughing stock.

All right, even more of a laughing stock.

I could always use my magic.

ALL: No!

Look, there's a PROPER doctor down the road.

He's a professional, not like you unqualified nincompoops.

Fine, we'll go there.

-I'll have you know, I have got certificates!

-They're not yours.

So, our heroes along with the now even sicker Hermann

headed back across the border to search for a doctor,

one with GCSEs and stuff.

Go on! Get out and stay out!

I've waited here for ten years!

-Hello?

-Doctor Cheese?

I've got a bad feeling, let's just go.

Nonsense, it's going to be fine.

We just need to fix Hermann, sort out the potion

and we'll be out of here before you can say..."Quag".

Quag?

Come on, Lutin, when have I ever, ever let you down before?

RUN!!!

I love dreams like this!

You're not asleep, you idiot!

Like I'd steal a load of fish and shove them down my pants!

Does that sound like something I would do?

Ohhhh! "Come on an heroic quest", you said.

"Riches beyond your wildest dreams", you said.

-Does this look like a dream?

-That looks more like a trout.

Wait! The running stops here.

Why? Because we're gonna face the danger?

No. Because of the lake.

Oh, great. So now we're just going to stand here!?

Oh, great. So now I'm just going to get hit by that thing!?

Oh, great. So now I'm going to fall over!?

This is it, this is the end!

You've been like a brother to me, Dom!

-I AM your brother, you twonk!

-True.

This better not be my birthday surprise.

This is beneath the dignity of a talented wizard.

You shouldn't have any problems then!

-We're running out of ideas.

-We never had any ideas.

Put it on. Put it on.

What's the one thing that's going to attract cows back to a town?

-Bulls!

-And this is one handsome bull!

Now run around these fields and you'll have cows

following you back before you can say...

-Moo?

-Moo.

(MUFFLED) I suppose it is rather an adventure.

-Shut up.

-See you later!

It'll be fine!

It was just one little mistake.

Er, hello?

It was just two little mistakes.

Yes, you set us both on fire.

And then you turn the dragon and his flappy clack into a prune.

I got hurt too, you know. The spell rebounded and hit me on the head.

Yes, that is a rather strangely shaped scar.

-I mean it looks like a...

-A big bum?

-A big bum.

-Yeah all right, all right, so

I suppose there were a couple of minor issues with the spell.

Minor? Minor?

-Look at me?!

-You didn't get burned!

No, but my entire body's vanished!

-Big deal!

-I'm just a head!

How am I going to get home?

-Roll!

-HE GIGGLES

You've not turned Dick young.

-No, you've turned him into a pile of...

-Dung!

Oops.

Oops?

Is that all you can say?

-Oops.

-I think you just stood in Dick.

Hello, folks!

I'm Dr Cheese. Cheese to meet you.

Knock out that, knock out.

Don't worry, just a mild concussion, not a problem at all.

Way-hey. Now then, young sir...

..what can I do for you?

Ahem! It's our friend here. He's not very well.

I am not very well.

Mushrooms.

Ah yes, ah yes, he definitely looks a bit peaky.

No, not him, him!

Oh, I see,

Now then, young madam, I'm so sorry I did not see you there.

Stand up when I'm talking... Oh, you are, I beg your pardon. Excuse me.

Now then, sunshine, keep taking the tablets

and come back and see me in two weeks.

Now then, Miss, what seems to be the problem?

I told you this was a bad idea! Let's go.

Give him a chance.

We've met loads of weird people and they've always helped us out.

HE BARKS

I'm actually completely sane.

HE BARKS

I'm just playin' with you.

So why are you out here all alone, wearing nothing but them old rags?

What can I say? I like my own company.

I'm not surprised, smelling like that.

It's an expression of my belief in personal freedom.

I don't get many visitors, so I figure, why not go au naturel?

Don't...go to the dark castle,

it's dangerous!

What?

Don't go there, nobody ever comes back!

Must be great if no-one ever comes back.

Don't talk to the Baroness, she's cursed!

Is he talking to us? Cos he's all over the shop.

Don't stew your apples in March! They'll be tart!

Don't feed a white rabbit Brussels sprouts! It turns green!

And DON'T play the bassoon in the bath!

It's wrong.

Something terrible has driven him beyond mad.

I hope you've both washed yer hands. I can't stand grubbiness!

What have we got here then?

Smells like a potion!

Ding, dong! That is one good-looking filly!

Princess, I've waited my whole life for this moment,

you are more beautiful than I could have ever...

Whoa!

# A volcano erupted - KAPOW! And out came the beast

# Half lion - rrrr! - half-snake

# Oh, no! And 12 foot at least

# It was a fury! #

We need shelter. Shelter!

The sharks are coming?

BOTH: No, SHELTER!

You must be Dick and Dom.

How did you know that?

I am the witch doctor. I know everything.

-Ooh!

-Pah! Right.

You are princes. You are on a quest. You...don't like walnuts.

-You...haven't changed your pants for six days.

-Now I believe you.

I am Old Moss. Hello.

-That'll explain the beard, then.

-Because it's happy hour!

HE WHISTLES

MUSIC: "Rockit" by Herbie Hancock

HE BURPS

This yours, mate? Gonna have to give you a ticket.

Do you want me to cut your nipples off?! Eh? Oi, come ere!

I tell you what, young sir.

It's a good job you and your friends came to me when you did.

Because you are all extremely poorly!

The thing is, we've come to see you about our potion.

There's something's wrong with it.

Arsenal!

Gentlemen - lady - Doctor!

How long's this going to take? I've I've got my swimming lesson soon.

Patience, patients! BELL RINGS

Hey, it's medicine time!

GLUG-GLUG-GLUG!

Way-hey!

You know what, this is even worse than that time we...

THEY SCREAM

I was afraid this might happen.

It's going to go wrong, I'm too stressed, I can't deal with it!

HE CRIES

Pull yourself together, man!!

'The most beautiful girls'

in the village.

-Kylie...

-BURP!

..and Kate.

Blimey! Where did you find her?

That's my daughter. Kate Moss.

-Who's this?

-That's, er Kylie.

Well, hello!

BURP!

Eurgh! Blimey!

That's what I said.

Who are these two?

They're here for the dating competition.

Now there are a couple of things that don't seem right to me.

-Yep that's one of them.

-And that's the other one.

These people are supposed to be living in fear, right? Ow!

And that they do know that these creatures are furries,

not furies, right?

-Ah, yes.

-So why's no-one mentioned it? They don't seem bothered.

That's fascinating, Brainiac.

-But how are we going to get out of these?

-Magic?

Both: NO!

THEY SCREAM

Nantwich...shyamalan... melamine...spandex...

Wa-hey! I've got it!

I lost that two weeks ago! Wondered where it went.

THEY GROAN

And I've also found the answer to your potion problem.

Well, tell us.

Oh, right, sorry, yes.

Now then, where did you get this potion from?

Well, we have found all the ingredients on the magic scroll.

Yes, I see.

And has any of your magic ever gone wrong before?

-No.

-Yes.

I see.

And does this potion contain a dragon's clack?

-Well, yes, it does actually.

-I see.

And may I enquire, as to what else is in it?

A pint of milk, the fruit of the Neehi tribe,

a lock of hair from the golden wig of Barnet,

some dandruff from Princess Gladys, a magnofish,

the tears of fury,

hairy bat saliva,

Alan the vampire baby's sick,

the mists of time,

the king's conker, the song of the swamp monster,

and some griffin's snot.

Well, folks, think I can safely say what the problem with your potion is!

You've all been collecting the ingredients

for a particularly strong potion for the treatment of...

athlete's foot!

What?!

But, I don't understand...

Oh, no.

Mannitol, what have you done?!

I... I...

I forgot I had a prescription scroll!

It's for my fungal foot infection.

You idiot!

You mean this whole time we've been traipsing around,

putting ourselves in mortal danger,

just to cure your itchy feet?!

Oh, yes, you've given your friend here such a high dose

he's practically a fungus! What do you think of it so far?

Ruggish!

Knock out, that, knock out!

Come on, let's go.

Yes, we're leaving.

Not you, mushroom face.

Ah...

I can't believe that after everything we've been through...

the near misses, the mishaps...

-The monsters.

-The muck-muck.

..we have to start our quest all over again.

Well, it could be worse.

And how could it be worse?

I have my athlete's foot cure.

Now I can stop borrowing your socks whenever mine are flaky.

Oh, and er, I do still have the proper scroll.

Oh-h-h!

Get him!

Come 'ere, you slaphead!

And so, their kingdom still in the grip of plague,

our brave heroes prepare to begin their quest all over again,

more monsters, more madness, more...

HE BLITHERS

Wait!

Can I go now? I've been stuck in here for months

and there's not even decent biscuits.

I used to be in a hit TV comedy, you know?

No, no, you couldn't pay me in cash?

I was told it was twice that amount!

Oh, is this thing still on? Oh!