Dr Cheese The Legend of Dick and Dom


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Many years ago, a terrible plague consumed

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the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

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The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard, sent out to scour

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the earth for precious ingredients.

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After many years, he returned with an antidote.

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The king's sons, Princes Dick and Dom were the first to be cured.

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And the last to be cured.

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They were banished from the kingdom, with their trusty mage Mannitol,

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and light-fingered servant Lutin.

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All never to return until they had collected the ingredients

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to re-make the antidote.

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And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.

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Well, there it is, the final ingredient... The griffin's snort.

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-Shame it's so disgusting, really.

-No, it's not...

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I know it's snot, Mannitol, that's why it's so disgusting!

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I just didn't expect the griffin's snort to come from its botty bum,

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did you, Dick?

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Shall we?

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Are you sure it has to be smeared from the hand of a maiden?

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-Yes.

-Yes.

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Yeah! Hooray!

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Er, Princes, shouldn't we be heading back to Fyredor to cure the kingdom?

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Oh, yeah, good idea, lead the way.

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Oh, no, that's fine, don't worry about me,

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I'll just, er...get these, yeah?

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And so our intrepid adventurers headed back home.

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As it was their last journey, they decided to take the scenic route,

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which was pretty much like all the other routes, just longer.

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Are we nearly there yet?

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No.

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Are we nearly there yet?

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No.

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Are we...?

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No!

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Stop moaning or I'll ram my sausage so far up your hooter, you'll...

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Oi, stop fighting!

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The quest is over and pretty soon we won't be spending

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much time together any more. So really we should be making

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the most of the time we've got left.

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We have had some good times, eh?

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Princes Dick and Dom versus the Slime Ball.

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THEY CHEER

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It has been an most trying day. Although I didn't lose my temper!

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Not for 40 years!

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-Boogies!

-Argh!

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A most ingenious game, it appears to have quite taken off.

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Yes, er, these qualities of patience that I have...

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-Can I have another biscuit?

-Er, yes...

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Qualities of patience that over the years...

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-Can I have another?

-If you must.

-What does this do?

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That's most precious, I must respectfully ask you leave it alone.

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Does the head move?

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No, no, it does not, please do not touch it.

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Now, I have these qualities...

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-Boogies!

-Please!

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Can I have another biscuit?

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I did ask! I did ask you leave that alone,

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don't try and mend it now,

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-I am concerned...

-Can I have another biscuit?

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-No...

-Boogies!

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Right! Enough! Cease this nonsense!

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These childish, immature, petty displays!

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Pull yourselves together! How old are you?

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I've never seen such pathetic members of staff in all my life!

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I'll just, er, flip this back a few years.

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HE PLAYS "CHOPSTICKS"

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-No! You don't do that!

-What?!

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You do this.

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DELICATE MUSIC PLAYS

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-Finished?

-No!

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Finished!

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Begin the marriage ceremony. And make it funny.

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HE SIGHS

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Knock, knock! Guess who's gathered here today?

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It's us!

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HE LAUGHS

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THEY GRUNT

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Milky! Milky!

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-So you think that'll work then?

-Of course.

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THUNDER ROLLS

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Milk! Milk!

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BIRD CAWS OVERHEAD

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Not milk! Definitely not milk!

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HE CACKLES

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This is never going to work.

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Trust me. Vampire babies love a good Mummy.

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You'll be able to slip in there past them all

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and give Alan all your lovely milk.

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Yes, and I shall be waiting nearby with the bucket.

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As soon as he starts blowing chunks I'll catch some.

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Still I don't understand why I have to be the Mummy.

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Goo goo, ga ga, goo goo!

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Yes, he says it's because you've always looked like a girl.

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Shut up!

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Now, remember, don't touch anything.

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Can I touch the floor?!

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I mean, I'm touching it now!

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Oh, oh, oh!

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Wargh!

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CRASHING AND BANGING

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MORE CRASHING

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CAT MEOWS, GLASS TINKLES

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Good times.

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Not long till we're greeted like heroes and showered with riches.

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Gold, silver...

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Cheese! Mmmmm.

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Are youse lot in or out?

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In!

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Yay!

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Out.

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In.

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Out.

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In.

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Out.

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In, out,

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in, out,

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in, out,

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in, out, in, out...

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Right, get out of here you wee trouble maker!

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And I know where you live!

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You know, maybe we should test out the potion first.

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What if it's wrong?

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We could try it on the guy at the border.

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No, no, no, he's busy.

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Ah, here comes someone. Ask him.

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Good-day plaguey citizen! We are Princes Dick and Dom,

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back from our quest and we are here to save you.

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Not today, thank you.

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No, he said, "We are Princes Dick and Dom,

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"we have the cure for the plague!"

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Oh, right, yeah.

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Hello, my name is Hermann.

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Well, how would you like to be cured of the plague?

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No, thank you, I'm just going for my swimming lesson.

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But wouldn't you like to be rid of those spots and...

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HE SNEEZES

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..sneezing?

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Well, since you mention it, I have had a bit of trouble,

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last week I was sick.

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All right.

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Ah, actually it tastes quite nice, it tastes a little bit like...

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Where did he go?

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Argh!Argh!

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- Eurgh! - What?

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Aargh!

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This doesn't look good.

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Good?! It's vile! It's the nastiest thing I've ever seen!

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-Really?

-What, nastier than the time we...?

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BABY CRIES

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-He doesn't look well.

-That means he's...

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Gonna vom! Mannitol, get the bucket!

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Urgh!

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Argh!

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SHE SNARLS

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I haven't seen her that angry since I sat on her hamster.

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Oh!

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Moo!

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Hang on a minute, I think it's working!

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Mmmm!

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Scones!

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Chicken. Mmmmm!

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Grapes!

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Carrots! Mmm...

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Urgh!

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Eww, that is gross!

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SHE COUGHS

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RIBBIT!

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MIAOW!

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Ah, hello, you little pussy!

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CAT HISSES

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Call that nasty? How about the time we...?

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-Well, we haven't got Dick.

-Where is he?

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-Over there, behind that bush.

-And what's he doing?

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OW! >

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You know that week-old curried haddock?

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The one that smelt 50 foot away?

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Dick fancied a midnight snack and it was the only thing available.

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Come on, baby! Come on!

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FARTING

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-Eurgh!

-That's definitely the haddock.

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Mashed potato is good.

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You can... You can...

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You can throw it at Dom's face!

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Hm, let me try this.

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Can I have a go?

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Yep, yep!

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A bit more, I think... Yep, a bit more.

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ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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I love a happy ending.

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Happy ending?!

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All right! All right!

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What are we going to do about that?

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I have got a name, you know!

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We can't give the potion to everyone if it's got side-effects.

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We'll be a laughing stock.

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All right, even more of a laughing stock.

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I could always use my magic.

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ALL: No!

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Look, there's a PROPER doctor down the road.

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He's a professional, not like you unqualified nincompoops.

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Fine, we'll go there.

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-I'll have you know, I have got certificates!

-They're not yours.

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So, our heroes along with the now even sicker Hermann

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headed back across the border to search for a doctor,

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one with GCSEs and stuff.

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Go on! Get out and stay out!

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I've waited here for ten years!

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-Hello?

-Doctor Cheese?

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I've got a bad feeling, let's just go.

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Nonsense, it's going to be fine.

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We just need to fix Hermann, sort out the potion

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and we'll be out of here before you can say..."Quag".

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Quag?

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Come on, Lutin, when have I ever, ever let you down before?

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RUN!!!

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I love dreams like this!

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You're not asleep, you idiot!

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Like I'd steal a load of fish and shove them down my pants!

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Does that sound like something I would do?

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Ohhhh! "Come on an heroic quest", you said.

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"Riches beyond your wildest dreams", you said.

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-Does this look like a dream?

-That looks more like a trout.

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Wait! The running stops here.

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Why? Because we're gonna face the danger?

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No. Because of the lake.

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Oh, great. So now we're just going to stand here!?

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Oh, great. So now I'm just going to get hit by that thing!?

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Oh, great. So now I'm going to fall over!?

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This is it, this is the end!

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You've been like a brother to me, Dom!

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-I AM your brother, you twonk!

-True.

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This better not be my birthday surprise.

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This is beneath the dignity of a talented wizard.

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You shouldn't have any problems then!

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-We're running out of ideas.

-We never had any ideas.

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Put it on. Put it on.

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What's the one thing that's going to attract cows back to a town?

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-Bulls!

-And this is one handsome bull!

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Now run around these fields and you'll have cows

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following you back before you can say...

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-Moo?

-Moo.

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(MUFFLED) I suppose it is rather an adventure.

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-Shut up.

-See you later!

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It'll be fine!

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It was just one little mistake.

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Er, hello?

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It was just two little mistakes.

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Yes, you set us both on fire.

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And then you turn the dragon and his flappy clack into a prune.

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I got hurt too, you know. The spell rebounded and hit me on the head.

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Yes, that is a rather strangely shaped scar.

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-I mean it looks like a...

-A big bum?

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-A big bum.

-Yeah all right, all right, so

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I suppose there were a couple of minor issues with the spell.

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Minor? Minor?

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-Look at me?!

-You didn't get burned!

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No, but my entire body's vanished!

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-Big deal!

-I'm just a head!

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How am I going to get home?

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-Roll!

-HE GIGGLES

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You've not turned Dick young.

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-No, you've turned him into a pile of...

-Dung!

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Oops.

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Oops?

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Is that all you can say?

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-Oops.

-I think you just stood in Dick.

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Hello, folks!

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I'm Dr Cheese. Cheese to meet you.

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Knock out that, knock out.

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Don't worry, just a mild concussion, not a problem at all.

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Way-hey. Now then, young sir...

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..what can I do for you?

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Ahem! It's our friend here. He's not very well.

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I am not very well.

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Mushrooms.

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Ah yes, ah yes, he definitely looks a bit peaky.

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No, not him, him!

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Oh, I see,

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Now then, young madam, I'm so sorry I did not see you there.

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Stand up when I'm talking... Oh, you are, I beg your pardon. Excuse me.

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Now then, sunshine, keep taking the tablets

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and come back and see me in two weeks.

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Now then, Miss, what seems to be the problem?

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I told you this was a bad idea! Let's go.

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Give him a chance.

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We've met loads of weird people and they've always helped us out.

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HE BARKS

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I'm actually completely sane.

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HE BARKS

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I'm just playin' with you.

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So why are you out here all alone, wearing nothing but them old rags?

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What can I say? I like my own company.

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I'm not surprised, smelling like that.

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It's an expression of my belief in personal freedom.

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I don't get many visitors, so I figure, why not go au naturel?

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Don't...go to the dark castle,

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it's dangerous!

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What?

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Don't go there, nobody ever comes back!

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Must be great if no-one ever comes back.

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Don't talk to the Baroness, she's cursed!

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Is he talking to us? Cos he's all over the shop.

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Don't stew your apples in March! They'll be tart!

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Don't feed a white rabbit Brussels sprouts! It turns green!

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And DON'T play the bassoon in the bath!

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It's wrong.

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Something terrible has driven him beyond mad.

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I hope you've both washed yer hands. I can't stand grubbiness!

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What have we got here then?

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Smells like a potion!

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Ding, dong! That is one good-looking filly!

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Princess, I've waited my whole life for this moment,

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you are more beautiful than I could have ever...

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Whoa!

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# A volcano erupted - KAPOW! And out came the beast

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# Half lion - rrrr! - half-snake

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# Oh, no! And 12 foot at least

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# It was a fury! #

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We need shelter. Shelter!

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The sharks are coming?

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BOTH: No, SHELTER!

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You must be Dick and Dom.

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How did you know that?

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I am the witch doctor. I know everything.

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-Ooh!

-Pah! Right.

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You are princes. You are on a quest. You...don't like walnuts.

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-You...haven't changed your pants for six days.

-Now I believe you.

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I am Old Moss. Hello.

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-That'll explain the beard, then.

-Because it's happy hour!

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HE WHISTLES

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MUSIC: "Rockit" by Herbie Hancock

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HE BURPS

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This yours, mate? Gonna have to give you a ticket.

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Do you want me to cut your nipples off?! Eh? Oi, come ere!

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I tell you what, young sir.

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It's a good job you and your friends came to me when you did.

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Because you are all extremely poorly!

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The thing is, we've come to see you about our potion.

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There's something's wrong with it.

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Arsenal!

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Gentlemen - lady - Doctor!

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How long's this going to take? I've I've got my swimming lesson soon.

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Patience, patients! BELL RINGS

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Hey, it's medicine time!

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GLUG-GLUG-GLUG!

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Way-hey!

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You know what, this is even worse than that time we...

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THEY SCREAM

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I was afraid this might happen.

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It's going to go wrong, I'm too stressed, I can't deal with it!

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HE CRIES

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Pull yourself together, man!!

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'The most beautiful girls'

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in the village.

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-Kylie...

-BURP!

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..and Kate.

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Blimey! Where did you find her?

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That's my daughter. Kate Moss.

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-Who's this?

-That's, er Kylie.

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Well, hello!

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BURP!

0:23:430:23:44

Eurgh! Blimey!

0:23:440:23:46

That's what I said.

0:23:460:23:49

Who are these two?

0:23:470:23:49

They're here for the dating competition.

0:23:490:23:51

Now there are a couple of things that don't seem right to me.

0:23:510:23:56

-Yep that's one of them.

-And that's the other one.

0:23:560:23:59

These people are supposed to be living in fear, right? Ow!

0:23:590:24:03

And that they do know that these creatures are furries,

0:24:030:24:09

not furies, right?

0:24:090:24:10

-Ah, yes.

-So why's no-one mentioned it? They don't seem bothered.

0:24:100:24:14

That's fascinating, Brainiac.

0:24:140:24:16

-But how are we going to get out of these?

-Magic?

0:24:160:24:19

Both: NO!

0:24:190:24:22

THEY SCREAM

0:24:220:24:23

Nantwich...shyamalan... melamine...spandex...

0:24:230:24:27

Wa-hey! I've got it!

0:24:300:24:32

I lost that two weeks ago! Wondered where it went.

0:24:320:24:35

THEY GROAN

0:24:350:24:37

And I've also found the answer to your potion problem.

0:24:370:24:41

Well, tell us.

0:24:440:24:46

Oh, right, sorry, yes.

0:24:460:24:48

Now then, where did you get this potion from?

0:24:480:24:51

Well, we have found all the ingredients on the magic scroll.

0:24:510:24:55

Yes, I see.

0:24:550:24:57

And has any of your magic ever gone wrong before?

0:24:570:25:02

-No.

-Yes.

0:25:000:25:02

I see.

0:25:030:25:05

And does this potion contain a dragon's clack?

0:25:050:25:09

-Well, yes, it does actually.

-I see.

0:25:090:25:12

And may I enquire, as to what else is in it?

0:25:120:25:16

A pint of milk, the fruit of the Neehi tribe,

0:25:200:25:23

a lock of hair from the golden wig of Barnet,

0:25:230:25:26

some dandruff from Princess Gladys, a magnofish,

0:25:260:25:29

the tears of fury,

0:25:290:25:32

hairy bat saliva,

0:25:320:25:35

Alan the vampire baby's sick,

0:25:350:25:39

the mists of time,

0:25:390:25:41

the king's conker, the song of the swamp monster,

0:25:410:25:45

and some griffin's snot.

0:25:450:25:47

Well, folks, think I can safely say what the problem with your potion is!

0:25:480:25:54

You've all been collecting the ingredients

0:25:540:25:57

for a particularly strong potion for the treatment of...

0:25:570:26:00

athlete's foot!

0:26:000:26:01

What?!

0:26:010:26:03

But, I don't understand...

0:26:030:26:06

Oh, no.

0:26:090:26:10

Mannitol, what have you done?!

0:26:100:26:14

I... I...

0:26:140:26:16

I forgot I had a prescription scroll!

0:26:160:26:22

It's for my fungal foot infection.

0:26:220:26:24

You idiot!

0:26:240:26:27

You mean this whole time we've been traipsing around,

0:26:270:26:31

putting ourselves in mortal danger,

0:26:310:26:33

just to cure your itchy feet?!

0:26:330:26:35

Oh, yes, you've given your friend here such a high dose

0:26:350:26:39

he's practically a fungus! What do you think of it so far?

0:26:390:26:42

Ruggish!

0:26:420:26:43

Knock out, that, knock out!

0:26:430:26:46

Come on, let's go.

0:26:460:26:48

Yes, we're leaving.

0:26:480:26:51

Not you, mushroom face.

0:26:510:26:53

Ah...

0:26:530:26:55

I can't believe that after everything we've been through...

0:27:030:27:07

the near misses, the mishaps...

0:27:070:27:09

-The monsters.

-The muck-muck.

0:27:090:27:11

..we have to start our quest all over again.

0:27:110:27:15

Well, it could be worse.

0:27:150:27:18

And how could it be worse?

0:27:180:27:20

I have my athlete's foot cure.

0:27:200:27:23

Now I can stop borrowing your socks whenever mine are flaky.

0:27:230:27:28

Oh, and er, I do still have the proper scroll.

0:27:280:27:32

Oh-h-h!

0:27:320:27:34

Get him!

0:27:340:27:35

Come 'ere, you slaphead!

0:27:370:27:39

And so, their kingdom still in the grip of plague,

0:27:390:27:43

our brave heroes prepare to begin their quest all over again,

0:27:430:27:47

more monsters, more madness, more...

0:27:470:27:50

HE BLITHERS

0:27:500:27:52

Wait!

0:27:520:27:53

Can I go now? I've been stuck in here for months

0:27:560:28:00

and there's not even decent biscuits.

0:28:000:28:02

I used to be in a hit TV comedy, you know?

0:28:020:28:05

No, no, you couldn't pay me in cash?

0:28:050:28:07

I was told it was twice that amount!

0:28:070:28:10

Oh, is this thing still on? Oh!

0:28:100:28:12

After months of searching for ingredients, the potion is finally complete - but will it work? The heroes return to the kingdom of Fyredor to try it out, and remember the many adventures they had along the way.


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