Vampire Baby The Legend of Dick and Dom


Vampire Baby

Children's sitcom. The potion needs a little something from Alan the Vampire Baby. The heroes must journey to deepest, darkest Pramsylvania.


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Transcript


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'Many years ago, a terrible plague

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'consumed the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

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'The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,

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'sent out to scour the Earth for precious ingredients.

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'After many years, he returned with an antidote.'

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THEY SPLUTTER

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'The King's sons, Princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

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'And the last to be cured.

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'They were banished from the Kingdom, along with their trusty Mannitol

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'and light-fingered servant Lutin.

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'All never to return until they had collected the ingredients

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'to re-make the antidote.

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'And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.'

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Come on, everyone, It's always good to get an early start on a quest.

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-We can't go yet, can we?

-Why not?

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Well, we haven't got Dick.

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-Where is he?

-Behind that bush.

-And what's he doing behind a bush?

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HE GROANS

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You know that week-old curried haddock we had?

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-You could smell it 50ft away!

-Dick fancied a midnight snack

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-and the curried haddock was the only thing available.

-Come on, baby.

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PHHRRRT! ALL: Oh!

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-Oh! That's definitely the haddock.

-Dick, join us when you're ready.

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Yeah, yeah...

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PHHHRRRTTTTT!

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Where was I? Right, we are on the hunt for...

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Alan the vampire baby's baby sick?!

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-Baby sick?

-Hmm.

-Ewww!

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-This is not good.

-Why? Who's Alan the vampire baby?

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Alan the vampire baby is the last in a clan of vampire babies.

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They have resided for many centuries in a dark corner

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of Bottom World called...

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the Forest of Pram-sylvania.

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Alan the vampire baby has evil powers,

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terrible magic weapons and fangs...

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..which deliver a cursed bite.

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Beware the fangs of Alan the vampire baby!

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-Yeah, but he's still just a baby?

-Can he even walk yet?

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No, although I have heard he's good at crawling.

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THEY LAUGH

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How dangerous can a cute little vampire baby be?

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Yeah, and Alan's the least scariest name in history.

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-"Oh, no! I'm Alan the vampire baby! Watch out!"

-Look here!

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Don't say I didn't warn you.

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-Alan the vampire baby may be our toughest adversary yet.

-Whatever!

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OK, so we need to find Alan the vampire baby,

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and get him to be sick into a convenient bucket.

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-How about this one?

-That'll do nicely. Any questions?

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I've got a question.

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Can someone bring me some more dock leaves? I need to wipe...

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-OK, give me a minute.

-Ohh...

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'And so, after Dick had finished using the using the dock leaves,

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'our intrepid adventurers set off

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'towards the notorious Forest of Pram-sylvania,

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'lair of Alan the vampire baby.'

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Welcome to the Forest of Pram-sylvania.

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Oh, look, there's a sign.

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-What?

-Eh? I don't see a sign.

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No, down here.

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"Warning! Goo goo...

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-"Goo goo goo, gaa gaa gaa, go..."

-What language is that?

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Why is it only two feet off the ground? Did a dwarf put it there?

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Not a dwarf. But someone equally small.

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A badger? They've got terrible handwriting.

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Don't you see? Goo goo goo, gaa gaa, gaa...

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This is baby language.

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This is a warning for us not to enter the forest.

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It's a warning from Alan the vampire baby!

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It's all very well having a "warning" sign,

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but I don't speak baby, so I'm going to ignore it.

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-Yeah, me, too.

-Me three.

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-I mean, this place isn't scary.

-No, not scary at all.

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ROARING

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I've quacked.

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HE SNIFFS

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I'll open a window.

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'And so our heroes entered the Forest of Pram-sylvania.

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'But unbeknown to them, deep within it,

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'evil eyes watched their every move.'

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Goo, goo, goo!

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EVIL CHUCKLING

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Maybe one of us should stay awake,

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you know, keep watch?

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I'm sorry, I'm already asleep.

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Me, too.

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OWL HOOTING

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Aaahhhh!

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LAUGHING

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That is so not funny.

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We should try and get some sleep.

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GRUNTING

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Urgh!

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Urgh!

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Aaaahhh!

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It's a vampire baby!

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He's biting me, get 'im off!

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-That must have been him - that was Alan!

-Dick, are you OK?

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Of course I'm not, I've just been savaged by a vampire baby!

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How's your ankle?

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What happens when you get bitten by a vampire baby?

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I think we have our answer.

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GURGLING

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He's not acting that much differently from normal.

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Goo-goo ga-ga-ga!

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I think he's trying to tell us something.

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Dick, can you understand me?

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Gaa-gaa! Gaa-gaa-gaa!

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I think that he can understand us, but can only reply in baby gurgles.

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That must be what a vampire baby bite does -

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it's turned him into a giant baby. It's quite fascinating!

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Ha ha ha! Gurgle!

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Come on, we can't stand here all day looking at...that.

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We've got to find Alan the vampire baby. Come on, Dick.

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-Goo! Gaa gaa goo Alan gaa gaa!

-I don't think he wants to go.

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Maybe we can find something to carry him in?

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Oh, I have just the thing.

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Alaka zam,

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alaka pram!

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Ahhh, isn't he cute?

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GURGLING

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We should get going.

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So, not only do we have to find Alan the vampire baby,

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but we've also got to work out

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how to change Dick back to how he was before.

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It's certainly all go today.

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If we're going to get some of Alan's baby sick,

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we need to catch him first, right?

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Yeah, but how do you catch a vampire baby?

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We saw how fast he can run.

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Hang on a sec!

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See, it's a baby mobile, just like the one me and Dick used to have

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above our cot when we were babies.

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Oh, look, baby Dick loves it!

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I think Alan the vampire baby will be drawn towards it

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then we just hide and wait

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and when Alan arrives, we nab him.

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And just how exactly are we going to nab Alan?

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How about we us this?

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Perfect! Right, all we have to do now is wait.

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This is hopeless.

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We're not going to catch Alan like this, he's way too cunning.

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What was that?

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I think it's come from over there.

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-It's Alan!

-Go go go!

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-Gotcha!

-Hang on a sec, that's not Alan the vampire baby.

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-That's because I'm not actually a vampire baby.

-You're not?

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No. Morning!

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Raymond Vampire Hunter. Here - my card.

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"Raymond Vampire Hunter.

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"Speciality - vampire babies."

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Then why are you dressed as a vampire baby?

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It's a cunning disguise. One can't be too careful

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when hunting Alan the vampire baby.

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-Well, what a coincidence. We're hunting Alan, too!

-Oh, any luck?

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-None at all.

-Me, neither. Any chance of letting me go?

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Oh, yes, yes.

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You know, you look a bit like a farmer.

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Stop that right there. I'm not a farmer, I'm a vampire hunter,

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-OK? All right.

-All right, keep your hair on.

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What's left of it.

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Reports have been coming in of a strange baby mobile in the area

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so I thought I'd pop out and check it out.

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Yes, we set it up to try and lure

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Alan the vampire baby, you know, capture him.

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Oh, please. Capture Alan the vampire baby with this feeble device?

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-Oh, dear me, no.

-No?

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No. Alan the vampire baby is a formidable adversary.

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That's exactly what I said but no-one listened.

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I see one of your number has already been bitten. Take my advice -

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you must leave this place now before you all suffer

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the same terrible fate.

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I've got one thing to say about that.

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-Knickers!

-How dare you.

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We need Alan the vampire baby's baby sick for our potion.

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And we've got need to find a way to get Dick back to normal.

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Well, you're all quite clearly as mad

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as a flock of purple Burplewurples.

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But I've got to admire your courage.

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What say we all join forces?

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Track down Alan the vampire baby together?

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-Let's go catch us a vampire baby, baby!

-Yeah!

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Look out!

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Yes, that way indeed.

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'So, slightly dazed, Raymond the Vampire Baby Hunter

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'joined our heroes.

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'But still, deep within the forest, the evil eyes watched their journey.

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'They travelled day after day, deeper and deeper into the forest

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'in search of Alan the vampire baby's baby lair.

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'Eventually, they arrived at a small, deserted village.'

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Where is everybody?

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WAILING

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Goo-goo, ga-ga.

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GURGLING

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Everyone here's been turned into a vampire baby.

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Which can only mean one thing - Alan's already been here.

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By the smell of nappies in the air, I'd say pretty darn recently.

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Well, if this place is just full of babies, then I'm going to see

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if I can filch some supplies from the village shop.

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Good idea.

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Could do with a bit of grub.

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Goo-goo, gaa-gaa!

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All right? Just going to take a few bits and pieces, OK?

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Goo-goo, ga-ga! Goo ga-ga goo-goo!

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Look, baby, I'm going to nick your stuff

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and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm taking all ya stuff!

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It's just like taking candy from a baby. Ow!

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Get off me! Help!

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What are we going to do?

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Any bright ideas? You hunt vampire babies.

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Leave this to me.

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-Here we go.

-What are two carrots going to do?

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If there's one thing vampire babies really hate, it's carrots!

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Back, back, you evil fiend.

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Goo-goo, ga-ga!

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Are you OK, Lutin?

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Not sure. I think I'm just going to sit down there for a sec.

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Now we've captured Alan, all we have to do

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is get him to throw up and we'll be on our way.

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Alan? Goo-goo ga-ga Alan?

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He says his name's not Alan.

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-You speak baby language, do you?

-I've been hunting these babies

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for some years and I've picked up the lingo along the way.

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Goo-goo ga-ga goo-goo, Alan?

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GURGLING

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Says his name's Tarquin.

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Tarquin?

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So where's Alan?

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GURGLING

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What was that last bit again?

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I'm paraphrasing, but he's involved

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in with a group of vampire babies, of which Alan is the big boss.

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He's hatched a plan to turn everybody into vampire babies

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and then take over Bottom World.

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LAUGHING

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Ha-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee-hee.

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Laugh all you want, Tarquin.

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We've captured you. What are you going to do about it?

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FARTING

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He's unleashed the vampire baby noxious trump!

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He's getting away!

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We've lost him.

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LUTIN GURGLES

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Oh, great(!) And now Lutin's been turned into a vampire baby.

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And the other vampire babies will turn us

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into vampire babies and it will all go wrong.

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I'm too stressed, I can't deal with the whole thing.

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WAILING

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Pull yourself together, man.

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And you babies keep quiet as well.

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You can't let these vampire babies get to you.

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You have to take a deep breath, calm down.

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We'll track Alan and we will capture him.

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Then we're going to get the ankle biter

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to throw up in this bucket. Are you with me?

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Raymond the baby vampire hunter, I am with you!

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There is one tiny problem.

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We don't know where Alan the vampire baby's lair is.

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He's right.

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SNIFFING AND GURGLING

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What is baby Lutin saying?

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Goo-goo, ga-ga, Alan.

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Ah, apparently since she was bitten,

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she has a sense of where Alan's lair is.

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Great, so baby Lutin can take us to Alan's lair.

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Then go, baby Lutin, fly like the wind.

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Goo-goo, ga-ga, Alan.

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Ga-ga-ga.

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GURGLING

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CHANTING

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SNIFFING

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Dirty nappy.

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SNIFFING

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I'd say about half an hour old. Would you agree?

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Yes, whatever you say.

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We must be close to Alan the vampire baby's secret lair.

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I think so.

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-Ga-ga-ga, goo-goo Alan!

-Everyone stay down!

-What is it?

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According to baby Lutin here, the secret lair is over there.

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You stay here.

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I'll go and check it out.

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OK, slight local difficulty.

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-There's a bunch of butch-looking vampire babies guarding him.

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Oh, great(!) How are we going to get the baby sick?

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We have to think logically.

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Hmmmmmm.

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BURPING

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Wait a minute. Babies love milk, right?

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-Yeah, so?

-Well, what happens when you give a baby too much milk?

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-Oh, so we have to feed Alan loads of milk...

-He'll throw up...

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And we catch some in a bucket.

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How are we going to get to Alan to give him the milk?

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He's surrounded by vampire babies.

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I have a plan.

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Great, what is it?

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LAUGHING

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This is never going to work.

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If there's one thing I know about vampire babies,

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they love a good mummy.

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You can slip in there past them all and give Alan all your lovely milk.

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Yes, and I shall be waiting nearby with the bucket.

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I'll run out and as soon as he starts blowing chunks,

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I'll catch some.

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But I don't understand why I have to be the mummy.

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LAUGHING

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Yes, he says it's because you've always looked like a girl.

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Shut up!

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Come on, Dom, you have to do this.

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Remember the quest!

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FANFARE

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You're right.

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-Oh, one more thing.

-What?

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Give it more of a wiggle!

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Wiggle?

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LAUGHTER

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Alan want milk?

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It's working. Alan's taking the milk.

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Mama.

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Mama? Mama! Mama, Mama!

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Yes, Mama, mama, yes. Finish your milk like a good little baby.

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Ahh!

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No Mama! No Mama!

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Keep calm. Everybody back.

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Come on, we have to save Dom!

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GURGLING

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Oh, my leg!

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Stop, everyone, STOP!

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There's something wrong with Alan.

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WAILING

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He doesn't look well.

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That means he's...

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Gonna vom! Mannitol, get the bucket!

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I've got baby sick for the potion!

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Yeah, I think we all got some.

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Let's get out of here while they're all crying!

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'As the vomit-covered vampire babies

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'screamed their lungs out, our heroes escaped.

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'But alas, during the battle they had all been bitten.'

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Oh, great(!)

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You've all become vampire babies,

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and since I got bitten, I'll become one, too.

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The quest is over. We can't exactly continue on as babies, can we?

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GURGLING

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Mannitol, no! You don't eat the vampire baby sick. Naughty!

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Mannitol, you're cured!

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The vampire baby sick must be an antidote to the vampire baby bite.

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Quick, I'll give some to Lutin and Raymond.

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Quick, quick, quick.

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Oh, it feels good to be back to normal. That nappy was killing me.

0:25:290:25:33

Tell me about it. I've got a terrible rash.

0:25:330:25:36

Dom, you were bitten, too.

0:25:360:25:40

-And don't forget Dick.

-Oh, yeah. Here.

0:25:530:25:58

No, wait, I don't think it's a good idea if he...

0:26:020:26:05

..drinks too much.

0:26:090:26:11

'So once again, our intrepid adventurers

0:26:150:26:18

'had completed another disgusting quest.

0:26:180:26:21

'And as Mannitol added the puke into the vial,

0:26:210:26:26

'Raymond would bid his farewell.'

0:26:260:26:29

Well, it's time for me to say goodbye.

0:26:310:26:33

Here, take this - it's the last of the vampire baby sick.

0:26:330:26:37

One spoon a day and you'll be immune to vampire baby bites.

0:26:370:26:40

I do appreciate this. And you can rest assured

0:26:400:26:43

that I'll soon have Alan and his gang under lock and key.

0:26:430:26:47

-Well, morning!

-Morning.

0:26:470:26:51

But what are we going to do about Dick?

0:26:510:26:53

We can't take this old codger on the quest. I mean, he smells of wee.

0:26:530:26:57

You'll stink of wee when you get to my age too, orc-breath.

0:26:570:27:01

-Nice(!)

-I think I have a way of turning Dick back to how he was -

0:27:010:27:04

I know a spell to make him young!

0:27:040:27:07

Mannitol, I really don't think that's a good idea.

0:27:070:27:09

Mannitol, you idiot!

0:27:150:27:17

You've not turned Dick young.

0:27:170:27:19

No, you've turned him into a pile of dung!

0:27:190:27:23

Oops.

0:27:230:27:25

"Oops"? Is that all you can say?

0:27:250:27:29

-Oops.

-I think you just stood in Dick.

0:27:290:27:32

I know what I did.

0:27:320:27:35

No, no, no.

0:27:380:27:40

-Oh, that's gross.

-Put him in your pocket.

0:27:400:27:43

-No, you have it. You did it in the first place.

-No.

0:27:430:27:46

-Dick, go get 'em!

-Ahhhh!

0:27:460:27:49

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