Vampire Baby The Legend of Dick and Dom

'Many years ago, a terrible plague

'consumed the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

'The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,

'sent out to scour the Earth for precious ingredients.

'After many years, he returned with an antidote.'

THEY SPLUTTER

'The King's sons, Princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

'And the last to be cured.

'They were banished from the Kingdom, along with their trusty Mannitol

'and light-fingered servant Lutin.

'All never to return until they had collected the ingredients

'to re-make the antidote.

'And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.'

Come on, everyone, It's always good to get an early start on a quest.

-We can't go yet, can we?

-Why not?

Well, we haven't got Dick.

-Where is he?

-Behind that bush.

-And what's he doing behind a bush?

HE GROANS

You know that week-old curried haddock we had?

-You could smell it 50ft away!

-Dick fancied a midnight snack

-and the curried haddock was the only thing available.

-Come on, baby.

PHHRRRT! ALL: Oh!

-Oh! That's definitely the haddock.

-Dick, join us when you're ready.

Yeah, yeah...

PHHHRRRTTTTT!

Where was I? Right, we are on the hunt for...

Alan the vampire baby's baby sick?!

-Baby sick?

-Hmm.

-Ewww!

-This is not good.

-Why? Who's Alan the vampire baby?

Alan the vampire baby is the last in a clan of vampire babies.

They have resided for many centuries in a dark corner

of Bottom World called...

the Forest of Pram-sylvania.

Alan the vampire baby has evil powers,

terrible magic weapons and fangs...

..which deliver a cursed bite.

Beware the fangs of Alan the vampire baby!

-Yeah, but he's still just a baby?

-Can he even walk yet?

No, although I have heard he's good at crawling.

THEY LAUGH

How dangerous can a cute little vampire baby be?

Yeah, and Alan's the least scariest name in history.

-"Oh, no! I'm Alan the vampire baby! Watch out!"

-Look here!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

-Alan the vampire baby may be our toughest adversary yet.

-Whatever!

OK, so we need to find Alan the vampire baby,

and get him to be sick into a convenient bucket.

-How about this one?

-That'll do nicely. Any questions?

I've got a question.

Can someone bring me some more dock leaves? I need to wipe...

-OK, give me a minute.

-Ohh...

'And so, after Dick had finished using the using the dock leaves,

'our intrepid adventurers set off

'towards the notorious Forest of Pram-sylvania,

'lair of Alan the vampire baby.'

Welcome to the Forest of Pram-sylvania.

Oh, look, there's a sign.

-What?

-Eh? I don't see a sign.

No, down here.

"Warning! Goo goo...

-"Goo goo goo, gaa gaa gaa, go..."

-What language is that?

Why is it only two feet off the ground? Did a dwarf put it there?

Not a dwarf. But someone equally small.

A badger? They've got terrible handwriting.

Don't you see? Goo goo goo, gaa gaa, gaa...

This is baby language.

This is a warning for us not to enter the forest.

It's a warning from Alan the vampire baby!

It's all very well having a "warning" sign,

but I don't speak baby, so I'm going to ignore it.

-Yeah, me, too.

-Me three.

-I mean, this place isn't scary.

-No, not scary at all.

ROARING

I've quacked.

HE SNIFFS

I'll open a window.

'And so our heroes entered the Forest of Pram-sylvania.

'But unbeknown to them, deep within it,

'evil eyes watched their every move.'

Goo, goo, goo!

EVIL CHUCKLING

Maybe one of us should stay awake,

you know, keep watch?

I'm sorry, I'm already asleep.

Me, too.

OWL HOOTING

Aaahhhh!

LAUGHING

That is so not funny.

We should try and get some sleep.

GRUNTING

Urgh!

Urgh!

Aaaahhh!

It's a vampire baby!

He's biting me, get 'im off!

-That must have been him - that was Alan!

-Dick, are you OK?

Of course I'm not, I've just been savaged by a vampire baby!

How's your ankle?

What happens when you get bitten by a vampire baby?

I think we have our answer.

GURGLING

He's not acting that much differently from normal.

Goo-goo ga-ga-ga!

I think he's trying to tell us something.

Dick, can you understand me?

Gaa-gaa! Gaa-gaa-gaa!

I think that he can understand us, but can only reply in baby gurgles.

That must be what a vampire baby bite does -

it's turned him into a giant baby. It's quite fascinating!

Ha ha ha! Gurgle!

Come on, we can't stand here all day looking at...that.

We've got to find Alan the vampire baby. Come on, Dick.

-Goo! Gaa gaa goo Alan gaa gaa!

-I don't think he wants to go.

Maybe we can find something to carry him in?

Oh, I have just the thing.

Alaka zam,

alaka pram!

Ahhh, isn't he cute?

GURGLING

We should get going.

So, not only do we have to find Alan the vampire baby,

but we've also got to work out

how to change Dick back to how he was before.

It's certainly all go today.

If we're going to get some of Alan's baby sick,

we need to catch him first, right?

Yeah, but how do you catch a vampire baby?

We saw how fast he can run.

Hang on a sec!

See, it's a baby mobile, just like the one me and Dick used to have

above our cot when we were babies.

Oh, look, baby Dick loves it!

I think Alan the vampire baby will be drawn towards it

then we just hide and wait

and when Alan arrives, we nab him.

And just how exactly are we going to nab Alan?

How about we us this?

Perfect! Right, all we have to do now is wait.

This is hopeless.

We're not going to catch Alan like this, he's way too cunning.

What was that?

I think it's come from over there.

-It's Alan!

-Go go go!

-Gotcha!

-Hang on a sec, that's not Alan the vampire baby.

-That's because I'm not actually a vampire baby.

-You're not?

No. Morning!

Raymond Vampire Hunter. Here - my card.

"Raymond Vampire Hunter.

"Speciality - vampire babies."

Then why are you dressed as a vampire baby?

It's a cunning disguise. One can't be too careful

when hunting Alan the vampire baby.

-Well, what a coincidence. We're hunting Alan, too!

-Oh, any luck?

-None at all.

-Me, neither. Any chance of letting me go?

Oh, yes, yes.

You know, you look a bit like a farmer.

Stop that right there. I'm not a farmer, I'm a vampire hunter,

-OK? All right.

-All right, keep your hair on.

What's left of it.

Reports have been coming in of a strange baby mobile in the area

so I thought I'd pop out and check it out.

Yes, we set it up to try and lure

Alan the vampire baby, you know, capture him.

Oh, please. Capture Alan the vampire baby with this feeble device?

-Oh, dear me, no.

-No?

No. Alan the vampire baby is a formidable adversary.

That's exactly what I said but no-one listened.

I see one of your number has already been bitten. Take my advice -

you must leave this place now before you all suffer

the same terrible fate.

I've got one thing to say about that.

-Knickers!

-How dare you.

We need Alan the vampire baby's baby sick for our potion.

And we've got need to find a way to get Dick back to normal.

Well, you're all quite clearly as mad

as a flock of purple Burplewurples.

But I've got to admire your courage.

What say we all join forces?

Track down Alan the vampire baby together?

-Let's go catch us a vampire baby, baby!

-Yeah!

Look out!

Yes, that way indeed.

'So, slightly dazed, Raymond the Vampire Baby Hunter

'joined our heroes.

'But still, deep within the forest, the evil eyes watched their journey.

'They travelled day after day, deeper and deeper into the forest

'in search of Alan the vampire baby's baby lair.

'Eventually, they arrived at a small, deserted village.'

Where is everybody?

WAILING

Goo-goo, ga-ga.

GURGLING

Everyone here's been turned into a vampire baby.

Which can only mean one thing - Alan's already been here.

By the smell of nappies in the air, I'd say pretty darn recently.

Well, if this place is just full of babies, then I'm going to see

if I can filch some supplies from the village shop.

Good idea.

Could do with a bit of grub.

Goo-goo, gaa-gaa!

All right? Just going to take a few bits and pieces, OK?

Goo-goo, ga-ga! Goo ga-ga goo-goo!

Look, baby, I'm going to nick your stuff

and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm taking all ya stuff!

It's just like taking candy from a baby. Ow!

Get off me! Help!

What are we going to do?

Any bright ideas? You hunt vampire babies.

Leave this to me.

-Here we go.

-What are two carrots going to do?

If there's one thing vampire babies really hate, it's carrots!

Back, back, you evil fiend.

Goo-goo, ga-ga!

Are you OK, Lutin?

Not sure. I think I'm just going to sit down there for a sec.

Now we've captured Alan, all we have to do

is get him to throw up and we'll be on our way.

Alan? Goo-goo ga-ga Alan?

He says his name's not Alan.

-You speak baby language, do you?

-I've been hunting these babies

for some years and I've picked up the lingo along the way.

Goo-goo ga-ga goo-goo, Alan?

GURGLING

Says his name's Tarquin.

Tarquin?

So where's Alan?

GURGLING

What was that last bit again?

I'm paraphrasing, but he's involved

in with a group of vampire babies, of which Alan is the big boss.

He's hatched a plan to turn everybody into vampire babies

and then take over Bottom World.

LAUGHING

Ha-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee-hee.

Laugh all you want, Tarquin.

We've captured you. What are you going to do about it?

FARTING

He's unleashed the vampire baby noxious trump!

He's getting away!

We've lost him.

LUTIN GURGLES

Oh, great(!) And now Lutin's been turned into a vampire baby.

And the other vampire babies will turn us

into vampire babies and it will all go wrong.

I'm too stressed, I can't deal with the whole thing.

WAILING

Pull yourself together, man.

And you babies keep quiet as well.

You can't let these vampire babies get to you.

You have to take a deep breath, calm down.

We'll track Alan and we will capture him.

Then we're going to get the ankle biter

to throw up in this bucket. Are you with me?

Raymond the baby vampire hunter, I am with you!

There is one tiny problem.

We don't know where Alan the vampire baby's lair is.

He's right.

SNIFFING AND GURGLING

What is baby Lutin saying?

Goo-goo, ga-ga, Alan.

Ah, apparently since she was bitten,

she has a sense of where Alan's lair is.

Great, so baby Lutin can take us to Alan's lair.

Then go, baby Lutin, fly like the wind.

Goo-goo, ga-ga, Alan.

Ga-ga-ga.

GURGLING

CHANTING

SNIFFING

Dirty nappy.

SNIFFING

I'd say about half an hour old. Would you agree?

Yes, whatever you say.

We must be close to Alan the vampire baby's secret lair.

I think so.

-Ga-ga-ga, goo-goo Alan!

-Everyone stay down!

-What is it?

According to baby Lutin here, the secret lair is over there.

You stay here.

I'll go and check it out.

OK, slight local difficulty.

-There's a bunch of butch-looking vampire babies guarding him.

Oh, great(!) How are we going to get the baby sick?

We have to think logically.

Hmmmmmm.

BURPING

Wait a minute. Babies love milk, right?

-Yeah, so?

-Well, what happens when you give a baby too much milk?

-Oh, so we have to feed Alan loads of milk...

-He'll throw up...

And we catch some in a bucket.

How are we going to get to Alan to give him the milk?

He's surrounded by vampire babies.

I have a plan.

Great, what is it?

LAUGHING

This is never going to work.

If there's one thing I know about vampire babies,

they love a good mummy.

You can slip in there past them all and give Alan all your lovely milk.

Yes, and I shall be waiting nearby with the bucket.

I'll run out and as soon as he starts blowing chunks,

I'll catch some.

But I don't understand why I have to be the mummy.

LAUGHING

Yes, he says it's because you've always looked like a girl.

Shut up!

Come on, Dom, you have to do this.

Remember the quest!

FANFARE

You're right.

-Oh, one more thing.

-What?

Give it more of a wiggle!

Wiggle?

LAUGHTER

Alan want milk?

It's working. Alan's taking the milk.

Mama.

Mama? Mama! Mama, Mama!

Yes, Mama, mama, yes. Finish your milk like a good little baby.

Ahh!

No Mama! No Mama!

Keep calm. Everybody back.

Come on, we have to save Dom!

GURGLING

Oh, my leg!

Stop, everyone, STOP!

There's something wrong with Alan.

WAILING

He doesn't look well.

That means he's...

Gonna vom! Mannitol, get the bucket!

I've got baby sick for the potion!

Yeah, I think we all got some.

Let's get out of here while they're all crying!

'As the vomit-covered vampire babies

'screamed their lungs out, our heroes escaped.

'But alas, during the battle they had all been bitten.'

Oh, great(!)

You've all become vampire babies,

and since I got bitten, I'll become one, too.

The quest is over. We can't exactly continue on as babies, can we?

GURGLING

Mannitol, no! You don't eat the vampire baby sick. Naughty!

Mannitol, you're cured!

The vampire baby sick must be an antidote to the vampire baby bite.

Quick, I'll give some to Lutin and Raymond.

Quick, quick, quick.

Oh, it feels good to be back to normal. That nappy was killing me.

Tell me about it. I've got a terrible rash.

Dom, you were bitten, too.

-And don't forget Dick.

-Oh, yeah. Here.

No, wait, I don't think it's a good idea if he...

..drinks too much.

'So once again, our intrepid adventurers

'had completed another disgusting quest.

'And as Mannitol added the puke into the vial,

'Raymond would bid his farewell.'

Well, it's time for me to say goodbye.

Here, take this - it's the last of the vampire baby sick.

One spoon a day and you'll be immune to vampire baby bites.

I do appreciate this. And you can rest assured

that I'll soon have Alan and his gang under lock and key.

-Well, morning!

-Morning.

But what are we going to do about Dick?

We can't take this old codger on the quest. I mean, he smells of wee.

You'll stink of wee when you get to my age too, orc-breath.

-Nice(!)

-I think I have a way of turning Dick back to how he was -

I know a spell to make him young!

Mannitol, I really don't think that's a good idea.

Mannitol, you idiot!

You've not turned Dick young.

No, you've turned him into a pile of dung!

Oops.

"Oops"? Is that all you can say?

-Oops.

-I think you just stood in Dick.

I know what I did.

No, no, no.

-Oh, that's gross.

-Put him in your pocket.

-No, you have it. You did it in the first place.

-No.

-Dick, go get 'em!

-Ahhhh!

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