Rock Hard The Legend of Dick and Dom


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Many years ago, a terrible plague

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consumed the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

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The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,

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sent out to scour the Earth for precious ingredients.

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After many years, he returned with an antidote.

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THEY COUGH

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The king's sons, princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured...

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and the last to be cured.

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They were banished from the kingdom,

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along with their trusty mage Mannitol,

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and light-fingered servant Lutin.

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All never to return until they had collected the ingredients

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to re-make the antidote.

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And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.

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After many weeks on the road,

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and a few minutes off the road for a wee wee,

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our heroes arrived in the legendary Kingdom of Kong,

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There, they gazed upon the next ingredient

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that they needed to complete their quest.

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There it is. The King of Kong's conker.

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The King of Kong's conker tree.

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The tree produces only one conker every 50 years.

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It is a vital ingredient for our potion.

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Nobody's guarding it. let's grab it and get out of here!

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No! The King of Kong's conker is cursed.

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Only a member of the royal family can safely touch it.

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But fear not, I have produced a magnificent plan.

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Princes Dick and Dom, to get the conker...

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You shall marry the king's daughters!

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-Why didn't you tell us about this?

-Everything has been arranged.

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I've sent your details to the King, he was most impressed.

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-Did you send the right ones?

-You have an audience, in five minutes.

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-Stop!

-Just grab the conker.

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-Come on, it's only a tree.

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Stop!

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You don't know anything about magic!

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It's never stopped you! what's the worst that can happen?

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Arrrrghhhh!

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-What's happened to them?

-The worst. They've turned to stone.

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Oh, I tried to warn them.

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Oh, the fools. The stupid, stupid, fools. The stupid, stupid, stupid...

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-Er, we can still hear, you know!

-Oh, really? Sorry.

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-I suppose we probably shouldn't have done that?

-No, you shouldn't.

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Only a touch from the King himself can lift the curse.

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And if he sees you, he'll know you'd tried to steal from him.

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What are we going to do?! He's expecting them now!

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-We have to step into their shoes.

-How will that help?

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Pretend to be them!

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And what about us?

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You'd make a lovely paperweight.

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Shut up.

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FANFARE PLAYS

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Silence for the King!

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RUMBLING

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THUD, DICK AND DOM SCREAM

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I am the King of Kong. Conqueror of all,

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and ruler of this kingdom, and lover of a good joke.

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-Name yourselves.

-I am Prince Dick.

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And I'm Prince Dom.

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You don't sound anything like I'd imagined.

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They sound different to how I'd imagined! Oof!

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- What's in your bags? - Oh, nothing.

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- We like to travel light. - You're here to marry my daughters?

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Yes! To marry into the family of such a mighty ruler and conker...

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er, conqueror, would be a great honour, your majesty.

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(Next time I come up with a plan like this, hit me.)

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Let's have a closer look at you. Off with your hoods.

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Prince Dom, I can see that you're a fine young man.

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Just one look at that sporting moustache of yours.

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Prince Dick, it says here that you are 16?

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Yes, time has not been kind on me facially, your majesty.

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I have a gland problem,

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but I assure you that behind this beard...

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-Is some dried up egg.

-Behind this beard is a very fit young man.

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HACKING COUGH

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And you, Prince Dom.

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It says here that you are a warrior,

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and can render a man unconscious using only your teeth.

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- Yes, I can. - I like you, Prince Dom.

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You're weird, but then so am I.

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HE LAUGHS

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-Let us prepare for the wedding! Take their bags to their chambers!

-Ahem!

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Get the king to touch us so we turn back!

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Speaking of which, would you like to touch our bags, your majesty?

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- What? - They're made of the finest leather.

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Erm... Made from...

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-Giant weasels?

-Giant we...weasels.

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I have never seen a giant weasel!

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That's because they've all been used to make the bags.

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They really do feel quite something else.

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Well, then I should like to have a feel of 'em, of a giant, erm...

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The wedding chapel is nearly prepared, sir.

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Of course, I may feel your bags later.

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Go and prepare yourselves.

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I shall have these sent to your room.

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Yes, that was weasily done. "Weasily done"! Hahaha!

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Laugh! Or I'll chop off your ears! COURT LAUGHS

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Footman!

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Yes, sire?

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I should like to hang pictures

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of Princes Dick and Dom on my castle walls.

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Send to their unfortunate kingdom for their portraits,

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-have them disinfected and brought to me immediately.

-As you wish, sire.

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That's bad news! If he sees our real pictures we're in trouble!

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Not that we're in any trouble already.

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That went rather well.

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Were we in the same room?

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Considering we both nearly had our ears cut off...

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Well, I think we're on track for a rather splendid wedding.

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I've never been married before.

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Should I wear flowers? Or maybe a wedding hat?

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Or a wedding hat with flowers in it? Hm?

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This is all your fault! You arranged this whole wedding.

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Well, you told us to dress up like Dick and Dom!

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And what was your plan? Dress up like two fairies?

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No. Although, I did briefly consider that one, too.

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Look, this arguing is getting us nowhere.

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We must marry in to the family, or no conker.

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If we can't get it, we can't make the potion.

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And if we can't make it, the people of Fyredor

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will never be cured of their plague! What's worse? Hm?

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Going through with a tiny, tiny little marriage,

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or let an entire kingdom of people suffer an awful, awful illness?

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Right, right come back here.

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Come here. Come on!

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-Yes, you're going through with it.

-SHE SOBS

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Sit down. Right, now, which princess do you fancy?

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-Neither of them!

-No, look, look, Princess Minny or Princess Maxine.

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I can't marry Minny, can I? Not if she's going to take my surname.

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What's your surname?

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-Mumm.

-Minny...Mumm.

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-Mm.

-Oh, dear. Yes, right...

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Well, OK, I shall marry Princess Minny.

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What's your surname?

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-Churr-Railway.

-Oh...!

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Minny Churr-Railway.

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Ah-ha, a fine name.

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-And you shall marry Princess Maxine.

-BELL TOLLS

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Oh, there we go, there's our call.

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The happy occasion, come on.

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-How do I look?

-Old. How do I look?

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Er... Scared.

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Oh! Ah, bags...

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-Be very careful with these, they are fragile.

-Ow!

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-Ooof! Ow!

-SCREAMING

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-SHE SCREAMS

-Down here!

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Down here! Oi, down here!

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Yeah, you! Treat us with a bit more respect next time!

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Like that wizard told you, we're delicate!

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SHE SCREAMS

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Well, Princes Dick and Dom,

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are you ready to take my daughter's hands?

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Only if they've washed them first.

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That's brilliant! That's very funny, you shall make a worthy son-in-law.

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But if you mock my family again, I shall stir-fry your tongue!

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Prince Dom. My daughter, Maxine.

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HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

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And for you, Prince Dick, my daughter, Minny.

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CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING

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-Why do they call you that?

-SHE BURPS LOUDLY

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Now, priest, begin the marriage ceremony. And make it funny!

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Ah...erm...

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-HIS VOICE FALTERS:

-We are...

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-we are, gathered here today...

-That's not funny, I want jokes!

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This is a formal ceremony, your majesty.

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-I want jokes!

-Yes, your majesty.

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-THE PRIEST CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Er, knock knock,

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guess who's gathered here today?

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-It's us!

-HE LAUGHS

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-Hello? Hello? Anybody around?

-Hey, Dom, check this out.

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-HE IMPERSONATES THE KING:

-"Yes, it is I, the King. Enter."

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This is nice. Your majesty, your majesty, the castle's deserted,

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-I've been looking everywhere. Your majesty?

-I am under the bed!

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-Oh, why?

-I like it here. I like the smell of the floor.

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-Bow down to me!

-Oh, yes, sir, yes...

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Now, what do you want?

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I've brought the portraits of princes Dick and Dom.

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You wanted them taken to the chapel immediately.

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-HIGH VOICE:

-No, we didn't!

-Who's that?

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It's me. The Queen.

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Oh, your majesty. Well, where are you?

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I'm also under the bed. I like the smell of the King.

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Bow down to me, too.

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And curtsey.

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And touch your nose with your tongue.

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This is the right castle, yes? For the King of Kong?

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Oh, no, I'm not the King of Kong. I'm the King of PONG.

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That's why I love his smell.

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You want the other castle.

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Go out the door, turn right, then keep walking for 100 miles.

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No, 200. You'll know it when you get there.

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-Just before the roundabout.

-Oh, typical(!)

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All right then, thanks. Bye.

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No, no, no. Priest, cut to the funny bit.

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There really is no funny bit, your majesty.

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Or I will remove your legs!

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Except that funny bit.

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No, actually, skip to the end.

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I've grown impatient.

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Princes Dick and Dom shall be married into my family,

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so that they can share in our prosperity.

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(And his conker tree.)

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One more minute and it'll be done.

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"Any just cause," No, no, no.

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"Do you take this... Blah, blah, blah,"

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Yes, here we are.

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Now, I officially and formally declare you

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-man and...

-DOOR OPENS

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It is us!

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Bit early for the entertainment.

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We have returned!

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Can it be true?!

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Princes Dick and Dom, this here is Rick and Ron.

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-Dick.

-Rick.

-Dom.

-Ron.

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-Dick.

-Ron. Rick.

-Dom.

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Is that your dad?

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No, I just have a gland problem.

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So what brings you two to the kingdom?

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We're here to marry the King's daughters. You?

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Your majesty! You promised US your daughters hands in marriage!

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And we find them here with this... squeaky man and this old codger.

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I've just got an old face.

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And what have you two done that's so flippin' special, then?!

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We were captured by orks, we battled out through a hail

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- of poison-tipped arrows. - Ha! Is that it?

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No. Then we swam the oceans of the world, and fought off a hoard

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of ten thousand lions using only a spoon.

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- Yeah, fair enough. - Hold tight.

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It is true, I did promise Princes Rick and Ron my daughters' hands.

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And the rest of them. Laugh.

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THEY LAUGH INSINCERELY

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LAUGHING GROWS LOUDER

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Yes, but I feared that they were dead.

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Now this put's us in a difficult situation

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and there is only one solution.

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You shall all have to compete to see who are the most worthy men.

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The victors shall marry my daughters. DAUGHTERS GIGGLE

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Suitors, prepare yourselves for the three tests of men.

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Great(!)

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Test number one! The strength of man!

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Up in the frozen North, they toss cabers.

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Down 'ere,

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I toss jesters.

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It's about all they're good for.

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All that juggling and gurning, it just ain't funny.

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Youse two will each toss a jester.

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The man that tosses the jester furthest will be the winner

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-of the challenge.

-This isn't funny!

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What do you know about funny?

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A bell on a cap? That's funny?!

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First contender! Prince Rick!

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Commence!

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Brother Rick, focus! Do not be intimidated by your opponent!

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Yeah, I really wouldn't worry about that.

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HE SCREAMS

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-SMACK!

-Oof!

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-This wasn't in the job description.

-Distance - 3,000 palms.

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Excellent!

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Get in, bruv, nice one.

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-What a sight!

-Sorry, these shorts are rather skimpy.

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I meant his throw. It's was huge!

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I hope you've got something special planned!

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Yes. I am going to use one of my most powerful spells!

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-No!

-Cheetah... Pitta...

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-Sinitta... Audi!

-WHOOSH!

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I have enchanted my legs to move faster than a cheetah's.

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-Great!

-Oh, dear...

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I think I've got the spell mixed up, somewhat.

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Second contender! Prince Dick!

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Oh, they are going quickly!

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Only the wrong way!

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HE SCREAMS

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WHOOSH!

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THUD!

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FANFARE PLAYS

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The winners - Princes Rick and Ron!

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THEY LAUGH HEARTILY

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BOTH: Oof!

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Best of three?

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Test number two!

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The courage of man.

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Right, inside this dungeon is a 50 foot, man-eating Gruntlebeast

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from the fiery pit of Fargon...

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It reminds me of my old woman, the first queen.

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THEY LAUGH That ain't a joke!

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To succeed at the second challenge,

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you must bring me the jewel that hangs around the neck of the beast.

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If you fail, then we know that you have no guts.

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Literally!

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Laugh! Or I feed you to the hamsters! THEY LAUGH

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First contender, Prince Ron!

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Commence!

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You cannot compete with Prince Ron.

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He has beaten every horrid beast in Bottom World.

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Well, Prince Dom here is rather brilliant at, erm...

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skipping.

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CREATURE GROWLS, PRINCE RON ROARS

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PRINCE RON GRUNTS IN STRUGGLE, THEN FALLS SILENT

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CREATURE ROARS

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Just, before I, er, slay the man-eating beast...

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Maybe they should go first?

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Yeah, we went first last time, cowards!

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It does seem a fair point.

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New contender - Prince Dom!

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-Will you be all right?

-Yeah. Piece of cake.

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CREATURE GROWLS THEN ROARS

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WHISTLING, CREATURE GRUNTS INQUISITIVELY

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RATTLING, POPPING, SICKENING THUD

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CREATURE GARGLES

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MANNITOL APPLAUDS

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Mission complete.

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The winners are Princes Dick and Dom!

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THE KING: The score is one point each.

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THE KING: Prepare, now, for the final test of man.

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All right, stop it, stop it! Well done!

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How did you defeat the beast?

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Well, I was never in any danger. It's a man-eater, innit?

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THEY LAUGH

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Dick, Dom, it's us!

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We're down here! Under the bed!

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We've brought you some water. Here.

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Stop!

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-That's not my mouth!

-Sorry...

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That's meant to be very good for you, though!

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-You any closer to getting us out of here?

-It's a draw with Rick and Ron.

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-One round each, one to go.

-Yes! I knew you could do it!

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-No, you didn't.

-Shh!

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The final starts in five minutes.

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If we win, we get married this afternoon,

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-we can steal his conker tonight.

-I'm pleased about the conker,

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that is fantastic news, just astounding(!)

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WHAT ABOUT US?! When are you going to get the king

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-to turn us back to normal?

-I'm sick of being made of stone!

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-I miss all my soft bits!

-Come on, then.

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Ah! SHE SCREAMS

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We always talk to the bags.

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Makes them more relaxed.

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-What are you on about? I thought you were taking us to the King?

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Shh! Or I chuck you in the quarry! SHE SCREAMS

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FANFARE PLAYS

0:19:050:19:08

MUFFLED NOTE

0:19:110:19:13

-Your majesty, may we have a moment?

-Oof...!

0:19:130:19:17

We never got the chance to feel how soft and luxurious these bags are.

0:19:170:19:23

Oh, the bags, of course, the bags. Yes, let me have a feel.

0:19:230:19:26

-Come to daddy!

-Oh, yes, please, come on!

0:19:260:19:29

Did those bags just talk?

0:19:290:19:30

They're...very fresh...weasels.

0:19:300:19:34

Test number three is ready, your majesty.

0:19:340:19:37

Aha! Yes, yes. Show me after.

0:19:370:19:41

Test number three, to decide the winner! The mirth of man!

0:19:410:19:45

As you know, I am a man with a great sense of humour.

0:19:450:19:49

Your task today will be to make me laugh.

0:19:500:19:53

Entertain me. Those that succeed will be the victors.

0:19:530:19:58

My sweet king, I regret that we have an announcement to make.

0:19:580:20:02

You've left your sense of humour at home?

0:20:020:20:04

Unfortunately, Princes Dick and Dom have been cheating.

0:20:040:20:08

Our cousin's daughter here overheard the princes in their chambers

0:20:080:20:12

-discussing plans with strangers.

-Maybe even assassins.

0:20:120:20:17

What(?)

0:20:170:20:19

Is this true, Princes Dick and Dom? Have you been cheating?

0:20:190:20:23

Answer me, or I'll have you both turned into jam!

0:20:230:20:28

Well, we... We...

0:20:280:20:32

We were preparing for the third test, King!

0:20:330:20:36

We were preparing our...

0:20:360:20:40

- ..secret act. - And what is your secret act?

0:20:430:20:46

Erm...

0:20:460:20:48

We can...

0:20:480:20:50

We can...

0:20:510:20:54

-We can throw our voices!

-What?

0:20:540:20:56

It's us! Princes Dick and Dom!

0:20:560:20:59

We're in front of you, but see how our voices come from over here?

0:20:590:21:02

-See how we still move our mouths.

-THE KING LAUGHS

0:21:020:21:05

# La, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la! #

0:21:050:21:08

# Dum, de, dum De, dum, deeeee, dum! #

0:21:090:21:13

DICK AND DOM BOTH SING: # Boogie, woogie! Shalalala! #

0:21:130:21:16

# Heads, shoulders Knees and nipples

0:21:170:21:19

# Knees and nipples! #

0:21:190:21:21

# Heads, elbows, necks and bums

0:21:210:21:23

# necks and bums...! #

0:21:230:21:25

Ah, wonderful, that's wonderful, and it explains everything!

0:21:260:21:32

You have truly entertained me!

0:21:320:21:34

You have won the test and you shall be married into my family!

0:21:340:21:39

Princes Rick and Ron, shame on you for suspecting these noble princes!

0:21:390:21:46

As a punishment, you shall be married to two potted plants!

0:21:460:21:53

-What? Potted plants...?

-Oh, gutted!

0:21:530:21:56

To the chapel!

0:21:570:21:59

We are gathered here today...

0:22:050:22:07

because it would be silly to be gathered here last night...(!)

0:22:070:22:12

-HE LAUGHS

-I've had time to put in some jokes!

0:22:120:22:17

Marriage is not something to be taken lightly...

0:22:190:22:24

especially if your partner's eaten all the pies!

0:22:240:22:27

That's not funny. Cut to the end bit!

0:22:270:22:30

Or I shall behead you!

0:22:300:22:32

Do you...Prince Dominic Smith...

0:22:340:22:37

and you... Prince Richard Furlong Um-Bongo

0:22:370:22:42

Samsonite Pashmina Marigold Smith...?

0:22:420:22:47

..take these women, Minny and Maxie of Kong,

0:22:470:22:50

to be your lawful wedded wives?

0:22:500:22:52

With every ounce of my conk... I mean, heart.

0:22:520:22:56

Oh, yes, I do.

0:22:560:22:58

And do you, Minny and Max Kong, take these princes,

0:22:580:23:04

Dick and Dom or Dom and Dick, to be your lawfully wedded husbands?

0:23:040:23:07

No! We don't! We want to marry them!

0:23:070:23:10

Now come, come, Minny, these are honourable princes.

0:23:100:23:14

No, they're not!

0:23:140:23:16

That one's well shifty looking.

0:23:160:23:18

And that one's about 90.

0:23:180:23:20

Look I have a gland pr...! Oh, who am I kidding? She's right.

0:23:200:23:26

We want to marry them. They're well fit.

0:23:260:23:29

-And if you don't let us, we'll cry and kick up a fuss.

-Yes!

0:23:290:23:34

If you think I'll give in to that childish...

0:23:340:23:36

threatening... THE PRINCESSES SHOUT AND SOB

0:23:360:23:39

Look, I'm really sorry about this, but they won't change their minds,

0:23:390:23:44

they're the same with Christmas presents. If I can do anything...

0:23:440:23:47

Well, there is one thing...

0:23:490:23:52

Erm... That really big conker?

0:23:520:23:56

You want the conker?

0:23:560:23:58

The King's conker? You want the King of Kong's conker

0:23:580:24:01

- from the King's conker tree? - Hm...yep.

0:24:010:24:05

Well, this has been a massive inconvenience for you.

0:24:050:24:08

Oh, massive!

0:24:080:24:10

And you have had to come a long way to the kingdom.

0:24:100:24:12

Miles. And we have spent a fortune on food.

0:24:120:24:15

Don't push it. I concur.

0:24:150:24:18

You shall have the conker.

0:24:180:24:20

Thank you, your majesty!

0:24:200:24:23

What else?

0:24:240:24:27

Well, you never did have a feel of our...

0:24:270:24:32

bags!

0:24:320:24:34

They're gone!

0:24:400:24:42

Sorry about this. Those rubbish collectors are very diligent.

0:24:450:24:48

But don't worry, I'm the King!

0:24:480:24:51

If it's too late, I'll get a few weasels,

0:24:510:24:54

knock you up a couple of new bags. HE LAUGHS

0:24:540:24:57

Even softer this time.

0:24:570:24:59

-It's slightly more complicated than that!

-Mm!

0:24:590:25:03

Oh, look! Over there, in the distance!

0:25:030:25:06

I only hope we make it in time, Lutin!

0:25:060:25:09

I mean, Prince Dom.

0:25:090:25:11

What's that crackling noise? Oh no,

0:25:130:25:16

I think we're...

0:25:160:25:18

I think we're on fire! Heeeelp!

0:25:180:25:20

Park here.

0:25:240:25:26

Damn! Never a parking space when you want one!

0:25:290:25:32

You'll have to go round the block.

0:25:320:25:34

Get out of it! I may be King, but I shall do this myself.

0:25:380:25:42

-WHOOSH!

-Hee, hee!

0:25:440:25:48

-WHOOSH!

-Ow...!

0:25:480:25:51

There's your bags! I'm afraid the leather

0:25:510:25:53

-might not be so soft any more.

-Oh..!

-Did that bag just move?

0:25:530:25:57

I said those weasels were fresh!

0:25:570:25:59

We should let you get back to the wedding, your majesty.

0:25:590:26:02

-We should really go now.

-Yeah.

0:26:020:26:04

It has been an honour.

0:26:040:26:06

Here is your conker.

0:26:060:26:09

No, not really, that's a lump of donkey's poo!

0:26:090:26:12

-Eurgh!

-Laugh, laugh! THEY LAUGH

0:26:120:26:15

Here is the real conker.

0:26:220:26:26

Now, keep it well.

0:26:260:26:29

Goodbye, Princes Dick and Dom.

0:26:290:26:33

DICK AND DOM: Goodbye! >

0:26:330:26:34

Throwing your voices again!

0:26:340:26:36

It's very clever.

0:26:360:26:38

Here's to a happy ending!

0:26:380:26:41

This yours, mate? Gonna have to give you a ticket.

0:26:410:26:44

Do you want me to cut your nipples off?! Eh?! Oi! Come 'ere! Come 'ere!

0:26:440:26:49

'And so, our brave adventurers

0:26:490:26:52

'had the King's conker from the kingdom of Kong.

0:26:520:26:55

'And the real Princes Dick and Dom were turned back

0:26:550:26:58

'to flesh and bones again.

0:26:580:27:00

'And nails, and hair, and - eurgh! - squishy stuff.'

0:27:000:27:05

-Everything back to normal?

-I'm going to write a letter of complaint

0:27:050:27:09

-to that rubbish collector!

-Yep, sounds like normal to me.

0:27:090:27:12

My toes still feel like stone, I can't feel my foot!

0:27:120:27:15

-That's my foot, you twonk!

-Oh. Thank goodness for that.

0:27:150:27:18

A glorious day. A triumph...

0:27:180:27:21

in the championships, a miserable marriage averted.

0:27:210:27:25

And we're one step further

0:27:250:27:27

on our quest.

0:27:270:27:30

Come on, let's get out of here. I don't fancy our chances much

0:27:370:27:41

-when that King works out he's been diddled.

-Excuse me!

0:27:410:27:43

Look, I can't... I've had the worst day ever.

0:27:430:27:48

Will somebody please just tell me,

0:27:480:27:51

Where is the castle of Kong?

0:27:510:27:54

ALL: That way!

0:27:540:27:55

Right, that way... Right...!

0:27:550:27:59

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0:28:070:28:10

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