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Many years ago, a terrible plague
consumed the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.
The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,
sent out to scour the Earth for precious ingredients.
After many years, he returned with an antidote.
The king's sons, princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured...
and the last to be cured.
They were banished from the kingdom,
along with their trusty mage Mannitol,
and light-fingered servant Lutin.
All never to return until they had collected the ingredients
to re-make the antidote.
And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.
After many weeks on the road,
and a few minutes off the road for a wee wee,
our heroes arrived in the legendary Kingdom of Kong,
There, they gazed upon the next ingredient
that they needed to complete their quest.
There it is. The King of Kong's conker.
The King of Kong's conker tree.
The tree produces only one conker every 50 years.
It is a vital ingredient for our potion.
Nobody's guarding it. let's grab it and get out of here!
No! The King of Kong's conker is cursed.
Only a member of the royal family can safely touch it.
But fear not, I have produced a magnificent plan.
Princes Dick and Dom, to get the conker...
You shall marry the king's daughters!
-Why didn't you tell us about this?
-Everything has been arranged.
I've sent your details to the King, he was most impressed.
-Did you send the right ones?
-You have an audience, in five minutes.
-Just grab the conker.
-Come on, it's only a tree.
You don't know anything about magic!
It's never stopped you! what's the worst that can happen?
-What's happened to them?
-The worst. They've turned to stone.
Oh, I tried to warn them.
Oh, the fools. The stupid, stupid, fools. The stupid, stupid, stupid...
-Er, we can still hear, you know!
-Oh, really? Sorry.
-I suppose we probably shouldn't have done that?
-No, you shouldn't.
Only a touch from the King himself can lift the curse.
And if he sees you, he'll know you'd tried to steal from him.
What are we going to do?! He's expecting them now!
-We have to step into their shoes.
-How will that help?
Pretend to be them!
And what about us?
You'd make a lovely paperweight.
Silence for the King!
THUD, DICK AND DOM SCREAM
I am the King of Kong. Conqueror of all,
and ruler of this kingdom, and lover of a good joke.
-I am Prince Dick.
And I'm Prince Dom.
You don't sound anything like I'd imagined.
They sound different to how I'd imagined! Oof!
- What's in your bags? - Oh, nothing.
- We like to travel light. - You're here to marry my daughters?
Yes! To marry into the family of such a mighty ruler and conker...
er, conqueror, would be a great honour, your majesty.
(Next time I come up with a plan like this, hit me.)
Let's have a closer look at you. Off with your hoods.
Prince Dom, I can see that you're a fine young man.
Just one look at that sporting moustache of yours.
Prince Dick, it says here that you are 16?
Yes, time has not been kind on me facially, your majesty.
I have a gland problem,
but I assure you that behind this beard...
-Is some dried up egg.
-Behind this beard is a very fit young man.
And you, Prince Dom.
It says here that you are a warrior,
and can render a man unconscious using only your teeth.
- Yes, I can. - I like you, Prince Dom.
You're weird, but then so am I.
-Let us prepare for the wedding! Take their bags to their chambers!
Get the king to touch us so we turn back!
Speaking of which, would you like to touch our bags, your majesty?
- What? - They're made of the finest leather.
Erm... Made from...
I have never seen a giant weasel!
That's because they've all been used to make the bags.
They really do feel quite something else.
Well, then I should like to have a feel of 'em, of a giant, erm...
The wedding chapel is nearly prepared, sir.
Of course, I may feel your bags later.
Go and prepare yourselves.
I shall have these sent to your room.
Yes, that was weasily done. "Weasily done"! Hahaha!
Laugh! Or I'll chop off your ears! COURT LAUGHS
I should like to hang pictures
of Princes Dick and Dom on my castle walls.
Send to their unfortunate kingdom for their portraits,
-have them disinfected and brought to me immediately.
-As you wish, sire.
That's bad news! If he sees our real pictures we're in trouble!
Not that we're in any trouble already.
That went rather well.
Were we in the same room?
Considering we both nearly had our ears cut off...
Well, I think we're on track for a rather splendid wedding.
I've never been married before.
Should I wear flowers? Or maybe a wedding hat?
Or a wedding hat with flowers in it? Hm?
This is all your fault! You arranged this whole wedding.
Well, you told us to dress up like Dick and Dom!
And what was your plan? Dress up like two fairies?
No. Although, I did briefly consider that one, too.
Look, this arguing is getting us nowhere.
We must marry in to the family, or no conker.
If we can't get it, we can't make the potion.
And if we can't make it, the people of Fyredor
will never be cured of their plague! What's worse? Hm?
Going through with a tiny, tiny little marriage,
or let an entire kingdom of people suffer an awful, awful illness?
Right, right come back here.
Come here. Come on!
-Yes, you're going through with it.
Sit down. Right, now, which princess do you fancy?
-Neither of them!
-No, look, look, Princess Minny or Princess Maxine.
I can't marry Minny, can I? Not if she's going to take my surname.
What's your surname?
-Oh, dear. Yes, right...
Well, OK, I shall marry Princess Minny.
What's your surname?
Ah-ha, a fine name.
-And you shall marry Princess Maxine.
Oh, there we go, there's our call.
The happy occasion, come on.
-How do I look?
-Old. How do I look?
Oh! Ah, bags...
-Be very careful with these, they are fragile.
Down here! Oi, down here!
Yeah, you! Treat us with a bit more respect next time!
Like that wizard told you, we're delicate!
Well, Princes Dick and Dom,
are you ready to take my daughter's hands?
Only if they've washed them first.
That's brilliant! That's very funny, you shall make a worthy son-in-law.
But if you mock my family again, I shall stir-fry your tongue!
Prince Dom. My daughter, Maxine.
HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS
And for you, Prince Dick, my daughter, Minny.
CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING
-Why do they call you that?
-SHE BURPS LOUDLY
Now, priest, begin the marriage ceremony. And make it funny!
-HIS VOICE FALTERS:
-we are, gathered here today...
-That's not funny, I want jokes!
This is a formal ceremony, your majesty.
-I want jokes!
-Yes, your majesty.
-THE PRIEST CLEARS HIS THROAT
-Er, knock knock,
guess who's gathered here today?
-Hello? Hello? Anybody around?
-Hey, Dom, check this out.
-HE IMPERSONATES THE KING:
-"Yes, it is I, the King. Enter."
This is nice. Your majesty, your majesty, the castle's deserted,
-I've been looking everywhere. Your majesty?
-I am under the bed!
-I like it here. I like the smell of the floor.
-Bow down to me!
-Oh, yes, sir, yes...
Now, what do you want?
I've brought the portraits of princes Dick and Dom.
You wanted them taken to the chapel immediately.
-No, we didn't!
It's me. The Queen.
Oh, your majesty. Well, where are you?
I'm also under the bed. I like the smell of the King.
Bow down to me, too.
And touch your nose with your tongue.
This is the right castle, yes? For the King of Kong?
Oh, no, I'm not the King of Kong. I'm the King of PONG.
That's why I love his smell.
You want the other castle.
Go out the door, turn right, then keep walking for 100 miles.
No, 200. You'll know it when you get there.
-Just before the roundabout.
All right then, thanks. Bye.
No, no, no. Priest, cut to the funny bit.
There really is no funny bit, your majesty.
Or I will remove your legs!
Except that funny bit.
No, actually, skip to the end.
I've grown impatient.
Princes Dick and Dom shall be married into my family,
so that they can share in our prosperity.
(And his conker tree.)
One more minute and it'll be done.
"Any just cause," No, no, no.
"Do you take this... Blah, blah, blah,"
Yes, here we are.
Now, I officially and formally declare you
It is us!
Bit early for the entertainment.
We have returned!
Can it be true?!
Princes Dick and Dom, this here is Rick and Ron.
Is that your dad?
No, I just have a gland problem.
So what brings you two to the kingdom?
We're here to marry the King's daughters. You?
Your majesty! You promised US your daughters hands in marriage!
And we find them here with this... squeaky man and this old codger.
I've just got an old face.
And what have you two done that's so flippin' special, then?!
We were captured by orks, we battled out through a hail
- of poison-tipped arrows. - Ha! Is that it?
No. Then we swam the oceans of the world, and fought off a hoard
of ten thousand lions using only a spoon.
- Yeah, fair enough. - Hold tight.
It is true, I did promise Princes Rick and Ron my daughters' hands.
And the rest of them. Laugh.
THEY LAUGH INSINCERELY
LAUGHING GROWS LOUDER
Yes, but I feared that they were dead.
Now this put's us in a difficult situation
and there is only one solution.
You shall all have to compete to see who are the most worthy men.
The victors shall marry my daughters. DAUGHTERS GIGGLE
Suitors, prepare yourselves for the three tests of men.
Test number one! The strength of man!
Up in the frozen North, they toss cabers.
I toss jesters.
It's about all they're good for.
All that juggling and gurning, it just ain't funny.
Youse two will each toss a jester.
The man that tosses the jester furthest will be the winner
-of the challenge.
-This isn't funny!
What do you know about funny?
A bell on a cap? That's funny?!
First contender! Prince Rick!
Brother Rick, focus! Do not be intimidated by your opponent!
Yeah, I really wouldn't worry about that.
-This wasn't in the job description.
-Distance - 3,000 palms.
Get in, bruv, nice one.
-What a sight!
-Sorry, these shorts are rather skimpy.
I meant his throw. It's was huge!
I hope you've got something special planned!
Yes. I am going to use one of my most powerful spells!
I have enchanted my legs to move faster than a cheetah's.
I think I've got the spell mixed up, somewhat.
Second contender! Prince Dick!
Oh, they are going quickly!
Only the wrong way!
The winners - Princes Rick and Ron!
THEY LAUGH HEARTILY
Best of three?
Test number two!
The courage of man.
Right, inside this dungeon is a 50 foot, man-eating Gruntlebeast
from the fiery pit of Fargon...
It reminds me of my old woman, the first queen.
THEY LAUGH That ain't a joke!
To succeed at the second challenge,
you must bring me the jewel that hangs around the neck of the beast.
If you fail, then we know that you have no guts.
Laugh! Or I feed you to the hamsters! THEY LAUGH
First contender, Prince Ron!
You cannot compete with Prince Ron.
He has beaten every horrid beast in Bottom World.
Well, Prince Dom here is rather brilliant at, erm...
CREATURE GROWLS, PRINCE RON ROARS
PRINCE RON GRUNTS IN STRUGGLE, THEN FALLS SILENT
Just, before I, er, slay the man-eating beast...
Maybe they should go first?
Yeah, we went first last time, cowards!
It does seem a fair point.
New contender - Prince Dom!
-Will you be all right?
-Yeah. Piece of cake.
CREATURE GROWLS THEN ROARS
WHISTLING, CREATURE GRUNTS INQUISITIVELY
RATTLING, POPPING, SICKENING THUD
The winners are Princes Dick and Dom!
THE KING: The score is one point each.
THE KING: Prepare, now, for the final test of man.
All right, stop it, stop it! Well done!
How did you defeat the beast?
Well, I was never in any danger. It's a man-eater, innit?
Dick, Dom, it's us!
We're down here! Under the bed!
We've brought you some water. Here.
-That's not my mouth!
That's meant to be very good for you, though!
-You any closer to getting us out of here?
-It's a draw with Rick and Ron.
-One round each, one to go.
-Yes! I knew you could do it!
-No, you didn't.
The final starts in five minutes.
If we win, we get married this afternoon,
-we can steal his conker tonight.
-I'm pleased about the conker,
that is fantastic news, just astounding(!)
WHAT ABOUT US?! When are you going to get the king
-to turn us back to normal?
-I'm sick of being made of stone!
-I miss all my soft bits!
-Come on, then.
Ah! SHE SCREAMS
We always talk to the bags.
Makes them more relaxed.
-What are you on about? I thought you were taking us to the King?
Shh! Or I chuck you in the quarry! SHE SCREAMS
-Your majesty, may we have a moment?
We never got the chance to feel how soft and luxurious these bags are.
Oh, the bags, of course, the bags. Yes, let me have a feel.
-Come to daddy!
-Oh, yes, please, come on!
Did those bags just talk?
Test number three is ready, your majesty.
Aha! Yes, yes. Show me after.
Test number three, to decide the winner! The mirth of man!
As you know, I am a man with a great sense of humour.
Your task today will be to make me laugh.
Entertain me. Those that succeed will be the victors.
My sweet king, I regret that we have an announcement to make.
You've left your sense of humour at home?
Unfortunately, Princes Dick and Dom have been cheating.
Our cousin's daughter here overheard the princes in their chambers
-discussing plans with strangers.
-Maybe even assassins.
Is this true, Princes Dick and Dom? Have you been cheating?
Answer me, or I'll have you both turned into jam!
Well, we... We...
We were preparing for the third test, King!
We were preparing our...
- ..secret act. - And what is your secret act?
-We can throw our voices!
It's us! Princes Dick and Dom!
We're in front of you, but see how our voices come from over here?
-See how we still move our mouths.
-THE KING LAUGHS
# La, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la! #
# Dum, de, dum De, dum, deeeee, dum! #
DICK AND DOM BOTH SING: # Boogie, woogie! Shalalala! #
# Heads, shoulders Knees and nipples
# Knees and nipples! #
# Heads, elbows, necks and bums
# necks and bums...! #
Ah, wonderful, that's wonderful, and it explains everything!
You have truly entertained me!
You have won the test and you shall be married into my family!
Princes Rick and Ron, shame on you for suspecting these noble princes!
As a punishment, you shall be married to two potted plants!
-What? Potted plants...?
To the chapel!
We are gathered here today...
because it would be silly to be gathered here last night...(!)
-I've had time to put in some jokes!
Marriage is not something to be taken lightly...
especially if your partner's eaten all the pies!
That's not funny. Cut to the end bit!
Or I shall behead you!
Do you...Prince Dominic Smith...
and you... Prince Richard Furlong Um-Bongo
Samsonite Pashmina Marigold Smith...?
..take these women, Minny and Maxie of Kong,
to be your lawful wedded wives?
With every ounce of my conk... I mean, heart.
Oh, yes, I do.
And do you, Minny and Max Kong, take these princes,
Dick and Dom or Dom and Dick, to be your lawfully wedded husbands?
No! We don't! We want to marry them!
Now come, come, Minny, these are honourable princes.
No, they're not!
That one's well shifty looking.
And that one's about 90.
Look I have a gland pr...! Oh, who am I kidding? She's right.
We want to marry them. They're well fit.
-And if you don't let us, we'll cry and kick up a fuss.
If you think I'll give in to that childish...
threatening... THE PRINCESSES SHOUT AND SOB
Look, I'm really sorry about this, but they won't change their minds,
they're the same with Christmas presents. If I can do anything...
Well, there is one thing...
Erm... That really big conker?
You want the conker?
The King's conker? You want the King of Kong's conker
- from the King's conker tree? - Hm...yep.
Well, this has been a massive inconvenience for you.
And you have had to come a long way to the kingdom.
Miles. And we have spent a fortune on food.
Don't push it. I concur.
You shall have the conker.
Thank you, your majesty!
Well, you never did have a feel of our...
Sorry about this. Those rubbish collectors are very diligent.
But don't worry, I'm the King!
If it's too late, I'll get a few weasels,
knock you up a couple of new bags. HE LAUGHS
Even softer this time.
-It's slightly more complicated than that!
Oh, look! Over there, in the distance!
I only hope we make it in time, Lutin!
I mean, Prince Dom.
What's that crackling noise? Oh no,
I think we're...
I think we're on fire! Heeeelp!
Damn! Never a parking space when you want one!
You'll have to go round the block.
Get out of it! I may be King, but I shall do this myself.
There's your bags! I'm afraid the leather
-might not be so soft any more.
-Did that bag just move?
I said those weasels were fresh!
We should let you get back to the wedding, your majesty.
-We should really go now.
It has been an honour.
Here is your conker.
No, not really, that's a lump of donkey's poo!
-Laugh, laugh! THEY LAUGH
Here is the real conker.
Now, keep it well.
Goodbye, Princes Dick and Dom.
DICK AND DOM: Goodbye! >
Throwing your voices again!
It's very clever.
Here's to a happy ending!
This yours, mate? Gonna have to give you a ticket.
Do you want me to cut your nipples off?! Eh?! Oi! Come 'ere! Come 'ere!
'And so, our brave adventurers
'had the King's conker from the kingdom of Kong.
'And the real Princes Dick and Dom were turned back
'to flesh and bones again.
'And nails, and hair, and - eurgh! - squishy stuff.'
-Everything back to normal?
-I'm going to write a letter of complaint
-to that rubbish collector!
-Yep, sounds like normal to me.
My toes still feel like stone, I can't feel my foot!
-That's my foot, you twonk!
-Oh. Thank goodness for that.
A glorious day. A triumph...
in the championships, a miserable marriage averted.
And we're one step further
on our quest.
Come on, let's get out of here. I don't fancy our chances much
-when that King works out he's been diddled.
Look, I can't... I've had the worst day ever.
Will somebody please just tell me,
Where is the castle of Kong?
ALL: That way!
Right, that way... Right...!
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