Rock Hard The Legend of Dick and Dom
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Transcript
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|---|---|---|---|
Many years ago, a terrible plague | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
consumed the mighty kingdom of Fyredor. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:12 | |
The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard, | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
sent out to scour the Earth for precious ingredients. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:19 | |
After many years, he returned with an antidote. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
THEY COUGH | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
The king's sons, princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured... | 0:00:26 | 0:00:31 | |
and the last to be cured. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
They were banished from the kingdom, | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
along with their trusty mage Mannitol, | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
and light-fingered servant Lutin. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
All never to return until they had collected the ingredients | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
to re-make the antidote. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:54 | |
After many weeks on the road, | 0:00:56 | 0:00:57 | |
and a few minutes off the road for a wee wee, | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
our heroes arrived in the legendary Kingdom of Kong, | 0:00:59 | 0:01:04 | |
There, they gazed upon the next ingredient | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
that they needed to complete their quest. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
There it is. The King of Kong's conker. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
The King of Kong's conker tree. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
The tree produces only one conker every 50 years. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
It is a vital ingredient for our potion. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
Nobody's guarding it. let's grab it and get out of here! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
No! The King of Kong's conker is cursed. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
Only a member of the royal family can safely touch it. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
But fear not, I have produced a magnificent plan. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:37 | |
Princes Dick and Dom, to get the conker... | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
You shall marry the king's daughters! | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
-Why didn't you tell us about this? -Everything has been arranged. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
I've sent your details to the King, he was most impressed. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
-Did you send the right ones? -You have an audience, in five minutes. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:54 | |
-Stop! -Just grab the conker. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:55 | |
-Come on, it's only a tree. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Stop! | 0:02:03 | 0:02:04 | |
You don't know anything about magic! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
It's never stopped you! what's the worst that can happen? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
Arrrrghhhh! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
-What's happened to them? -The worst. They've turned to stone. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Oh, I tried to warn them. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Oh, the fools. The stupid, stupid, fools. The stupid, stupid, stupid... | 0:02:21 | 0:02:27 | |
-Er, we can still hear, you know! -Oh, really? Sorry. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
-I suppose we probably shouldn't have done that? -No, you shouldn't. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
Only a touch from the King himself can lift the curse. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:40 | |
And if he sees you, he'll know you'd tried to steal from him. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
What are we going to do?! He's expecting them now! | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
-We have to step into their shoes. -How will that help? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
Pretend to be them! | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
And what about us? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
You'd make a lovely paperweight. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Shut up. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
FANFARE PLAYS | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
Silence for the King! | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
RUMBLING | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
THUD, DICK AND DOM SCREAM | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
I am the King of Kong. Conqueror of all, | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
and ruler of this kingdom, and lover of a good joke. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:21 | |
-Name yourselves. -I am Prince Dick. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
And I'm Prince Dom. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
You don't sound anything like I'd imagined. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
They sound different to how I'd imagined! Oof! | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
- What's in your bags? - Oh, nothing. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
- We like to travel light. - You're here to marry my daughters? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
Yes! To marry into the family of such a mighty ruler and conker... | 0:03:38 | 0:03:43 | |
er, conqueror, would be a great honour, your majesty. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
(Next time I come up with a plan like this, hit me.) | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
Let's have a closer look at you. Off with your hoods. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
Prince Dom, I can see that you're a fine young man. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Just one look at that sporting moustache of yours. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
Prince Dick, it says here that you are 16? | 0:04:05 | 0:04:10 | |
Yes, time has not been kind on me facially, your majesty. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
I have a gland problem, | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
but I assure you that behind this beard... | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
-Is some dried up egg. -Behind this beard is a very fit young man. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:25 | |
HACKING COUGH | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
And you, Prince Dom. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
It says here that you are a warrior, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
and can render a man unconscious using only your teeth. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:38 | |
- Yes, I can. - I like you, Prince Dom. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:42 | |
You're weird, but then so am I. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
-Let us prepare for the wedding! Take their bags to their chambers! -Ahem! | 0:04:56 | 0:05:00 | |
Get the king to touch us so we turn back! | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
Speaking of which, would you like to touch our bags, your majesty? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:08 | |
- What? - They're made of the finest leather. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:12 | |
Erm... Made from... | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
-Giant weasels? -Giant we...weasels. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:18 | |
I have never seen a giant weasel! | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
That's because they've all been used to make the bags. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
They really do feel quite something else. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
Well, then I should like to have a feel of 'em, of a giant, erm... | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
The wedding chapel is nearly prepared, sir. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
Of course, I may feel your bags later. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Go and prepare yourselves. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
I shall have these sent to your room. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
Yes, that was weasily done. "Weasily done"! Hahaha! | 0:05:40 | 0:05:44 | |
Laugh! Or I'll chop off your ears! COURT LAUGHS | 0:05:44 | 0:05:48 | |
Footman! | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
Yes, sire? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:54 | |
I should like to hang pictures | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
of Princes Dick and Dom on my castle walls. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
Send to their unfortunate kingdom for their portraits, | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
-have them disinfected and brought to me immediately. -As you wish, sire. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:09 | |
That's bad news! If he sees our real pictures we're in trouble! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:13 | |
Not that we're in any trouble already. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:15 | |
That went rather well. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Were we in the same room? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
Considering we both nearly had our ears cut off... | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
Well, I think we're on track for a rather splendid wedding. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
I've never been married before. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
Should I wear flowers? Or maybe a wedding hat? | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
Or a wedding hat with flowers in it? Hm? | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
This is all your fault! You arranged this whole wedding. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
Well, you told us to dress up like Dick and Dom! | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
And what was your plan? Dress up like two fairies? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
No. Although, I did briefly consider that one, too. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
Look, this arguing is getting us nowhere. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
We must marry in to the family, or no conker. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
If we can't get it, we can't make the potion. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
And if we can't make it, the people of Fyredor | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
will never be cured of their plague! What's worse? Hm? | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
Going through with a tiny, tiny little marriage, | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
or let an entire kingdom of people suffer an awful, awful illness? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:10 | |
Right, right come back here. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:12 | |
Come here. Come on! | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
-Yes, you're going through with it. -SHE SOBS | 0:07:14 | 0:07:18 | |
Sit down. Right, now, which princess do you fancy? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:25 | |
-Neither of them! -No, look, look, Princess Minny or Princess Maxine. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:30 | |
I can't marry Minny, can I? Not if she's going to take my surname. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
What's your surname? | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
-Mumm. -Minny...Mumm. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
-Mm. -Oh, dear. Yes, right... | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Well, OK, I shall marry Princess Minny. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
What's your surname? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
-Churr-Railway. -Oh...! | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Minny Churr-Railway. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
Ah-ha, a fine name. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
-And you shall marry Princess Maxine. -BELL TOLLS | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
Oh, there we go, there's our call. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
The happy occasion, come on. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
-How do I look? -Old. How do I look? | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Er... Scared. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
Oh! Ah, bags... | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
-Be very careful with these, they are fragile. -Ow! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
-Ooof! Ow! -SCREAMING | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
-SHE SCREAMS -Down here! | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
Down here! Oi, down here! | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
Yeah, you! Treat us with a bit more respect next time! | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
Like that wizard told you, we're delicate! | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
Well, Princes Dick and Dom, | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
are you ready to take my daughter's hands? | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
Only if they've washed them first. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
That's brilliant! That's very funny, you shall make a worthy son-in-law. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
But if you mock my family again, I shall stir-fry your tongue! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:57 | |
Prince Dom. My daughter, Maxine. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
And for you, Prince Dick, my daughter, Minny. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
CHOIR CONTINUES SINGING | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
-Why do they call you that? -SHE BURPS LOUDLY | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Now, priest, begin the marriage ceremony. And make it funny! | 0:09:22 | 0:09:27 | |
Ah...erm... | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
-HIS VOICE FALTERS: -We are... | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
-we are, gathered here today... -That's not funny, I want jokes! | 0:09:31 | 0:09:35 | |
This is a formal ceremony, your majesty. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
-I want jokes! -Yes, your majesty. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
-THE PRIEST CLEARS HIS THROAT -Er, knock knock, | 0:09:40 | 0:09:44 | |
guess who's gathered here today? | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
-It's us! -HE LAUGHS | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
-Hello? Hello? Anybody around? -Hey, Dom, check this out. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:56 | |
-HE IMPERSONATES THE KING: -"Yes, it is I, the King. Enter." | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
This is nice. Your majesty, your majesty, the castle's deserted, | 0:10:00 | 0:10:04 | |
-I've been looking everywhere. Your majesty? -I am under the bed! | 0:10:04 | 0:10:10 | |
-Oh, why? -I like it here. I like the smell of the floor. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
-Bow down to me! -Oh, yes, sir, yes... | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Now, what do you want? | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
I've brought the portraits of princes Dick and Dom. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
You wanted them taken to the chapel immediately. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
-HIGH VOICE: -No, we didn't! -Who's that? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
It's me. The Queen. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
Oh, your majesty. Well, where are you? | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
I'm also under the bed. I like the smell of the King. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:38 | |
Bow down to me, too. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
And curtsey. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:41 | |
And touch your nose with your tongue. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
This is the right castle, yes? For the King of Kong? | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Oh, no, I'm not the King of Kong. I'm the King of PONG. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
That's why I love his smell. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
You want the other castle. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
Go out the door, turn right, then keep walking for 100 miles. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
No, 200. You'll know it when you get there. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
-Just before the roundabout. -Oh, typical(!) | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
All right then, thanks. Bye. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:03 | |
No, no, no. Priest, cut to the funny bit. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
There really is no funny bit, your majesty. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
Or I will remove your legs! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
Except that funny bit. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
No, actually, skip to the end. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
I've grown impatient. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
Princes Dick and Dom shall be married into my family, | 0:11:20 | 0:11:23 | |
so that they can share in our prosperity. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:27 | |
(And his conker tree.) | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
One more minute and it'll be done. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
"Any just cause," No, no, no. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
"Do you take this... Blah, blah, blah," | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
Yes, here we are. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
Now, I officially and formally declare you | 0:11:38 | 0:11:43 | |
-man and... -DOOR OPENS | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
It is us! | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
Bit early for the entertainment. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
We have returned! | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
Can it be true?! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Princes Dick and Dom, this here is Rick and Ron. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
-Dick. -Rick. -Dom. -Ron. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
-Dick. -Ron. Rick. -Dom. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
Is that your dad? | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
No, I just have a gland problem. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
So what brings you two to the kingdom? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
We're here to marry the King's daughters. You? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
Your majesty! You promised US your daughters hands in marriage! | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
And we find them here with this... squeaky man and this old codger. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:25 | |
I've just got an old face. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:28 | |
And what have you two done that's so flippin' special, then?! | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
We were captured by orks, we battled out through a hail | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
- of poison-tipped arrows. - Ha! Is that it? | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
No. Then we swam the oceans of the world, and fought off a hoard | 0:12:37 | 0:12:41 | |
of ten thousand lions using only a spoon. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
- Yeah, fair enough. - Hold tight. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
It is true, I did promise Princes Rick and Ron my daughters' hands. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:53 | |
And the rest of them. Laugh. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
THEY LAUGH INSINCERELY | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
LAUGHING GROWS LOUDER | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
Yes, but I feared that they were dead. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
Now this put's us in a difficult situation | 0:13:02 | 0:13:06 | |
and there is only one solution. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
You shall all have to compete to see who are the most worthy men. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:15 | |
The victors shall marry my daughters. DAUGHTERS GIGGLE | 0:13:15 | 0:13:21 | |
Suitors, prepare yourselves for the three tests of men. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:27 | |
Great(!) | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
Test number one! The strength of man! | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
Up in the frozen North, they toss cabers. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
Down 'ere, | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
I toss jesters. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
It's about all they're good for. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
All that juggling and gurning, it just ain't funny. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:50 | |
Youse two will each toss a jester. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:54 | |
The man that tosses the jester furthest will be the winner | 0:13:54 | 0:13:59 | |
-of the challenge. -This isn't funny! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:02 | |
What do you know about funny? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
A bell on a cap? That's funny?! | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
First contender! Prince Rick! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
Commence! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
Brother Rick, focus! Do not be intimidated by your opponent! | 0:14:12 | 0:14:15 | |
Yeah, I really wouldn't worry about that. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:14:17 | 0:14:21 | |
-SMACK! -Oof! | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
-This wasn't in the job description. -Distance - 3,000 palms. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
Excellent! | 0:14:32 | 0:14:33 | |
Get in, bruv, nice one. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:37 | |
-What a sight! -Sorry, these shorts are rather skimpy. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
I meant his throw. It's was huge! | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
I hope you've got something special planned! | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
Yes. I am going to use one of my most powerful spells! | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
-No! -Cheetah... Pitta... | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
-Sinitta... Audi! -WHOOSH! | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
I have enchanted my legs to move faster than a cheetah's. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
-Great! -Oh, dear... | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
I think I've got the spell mixed up, somewhat. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
Second contender! Prince Dick! | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
Oh, they are going quickly! | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
Only the wrong way! | 0:15:08 | 0:15:09 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
WHOOSH! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
THUD! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
FANFARE PLAYS | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
The winners - Princes Rick and Ron! | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
THEY LAUGH HEARTILY | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
BOTH: Oof! | 0:15:27 | 0:15:28 | |
Best of three? | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
Test number two! | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
The courage of man. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
Right, inside this dungeon is a 50 foot, man-eating Gruntlebeast | 0:15:36 | 0:15:42 | |
from the fiery pit of Fargon... | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
It reminds me of my old woman, the first queen. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
THEY LAUGH That ain't a joke! | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
To succeed at the second challenge, | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
you must bring me the jewel that hangs around the neck of the beast. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:56 | |
If you fail, then we know that you have no guts. | 0:15:56 | 0:16:00 | |
Literally! | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
Laugh! Or I feed you to the hamsters! THEY LAUGH | 0:16:02 | 0:16:07 | |
First contender, Prince Ron! | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
Commence! | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
You cannot compete with Prince Ron. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
He has beaten every horrid beast in Bottom World. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:19 | |
Well, Prince Dom here is rather brilliant at, erm... | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
skipping. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
CREATURE GROWLS, PRINCE RON ROARS | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
PRINCE RON GRUNTS IN STRUGGLE, THEN FALLS SILENT | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
CREATURE ROARS | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
Just, before I, er, slay the man-eating beast... | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
Maybe they should go first? | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
Yeah, we went first last time, cowards! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
It does seem a fair point. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
New contender - Prince Dom! | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
-Will you be all right? -Yeah. Piece of cake. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
CREATURE GROWLS THEN ROARS | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
WHISTLING, CREATURE GRUNTS INQUISITIVELY | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
RATTLING, POPPING, SICKENING THUD | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
CREATURE GARGLES | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
MANNITOL APPLAUDS | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Mission complete. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
The winners are Princes Dick and Dom! | 0:17:36 | 0:17:40 | |
THE KING: The score is one point each. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
THE KING: Prepare, now, for the final test of man. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
All right, stop it, stop it! Well done! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
How did you defeat the beast? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
Well, I was never in any danger. It's a man-eater, innit? | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
Dick, Dom, it's us! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
We're down here! Under the bed! | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
We've brought you some water. Here. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
Stop! | 0:18:11 | 0:18:12 | |
-That's not my mouth! -Sorry... | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
That's meant to be very good for you, though! | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
-You any closer to getting us out of here? -It's a draw with Rick and Ron. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:21 | |
-One round each, one to go. -Yes! I knew you could do it! | 0:18:21 | 0:18:25 | |
-No, you didn't. -Shh! | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
The final starts in five minutes. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
If we win, we get married this afternoon, | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
-we can steal his conker tonight. -I'm pleased about the conker, | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
that is fantastic news, just astounding(!) | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
WHAT ABOUT US?! When are you going to get the king | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
-to turn us back to normal? -I'm sick of being made of stone! | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
-I miss all my soft bits! -Come on, then. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Ah! SHE SCREAMS | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
We always talk to the bags. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Makes them more relaxed. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
-What are you on about? I thought you were taking us to the King? | 0:18:57 | 0:19:01 | |
Shh! Or I chuck you in the quarry! SHE SCREAMS | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
FANFARE PLAYS | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
MUFFLED NOTE | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
-Your majesty, may we have a moment? -Oof...! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:17 | |
We never got the chance to feel how soft and luxurious these bags are. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:23 | |
Oh, the bags, of course, the bags. Yes, let me have a feel. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
-Come to daddy! -Oh, yes, please, come on! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Did those bags just talk? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:30 | |
They're...very fresh...weasels. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
Test number three is ready, your majesty. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
Aha! Yes, yes. Show me after. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
Test number three, to decide the winner! The mirth of man! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:45 | |
As you know, I am a man with a great sense of humour. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
Your task today will be to make me laugh. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:53 | |
Entertain me. Those that succeed will be the victors. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:58 | |
My sweet king, I regret that we have an announcement to make. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
You've left your sense of humour at home? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
Unfortunately, Princes Dick and Dom have been cheating. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:08 | |
Our cousin's daughter here overheard the princes in their chambers | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
-discussing plans with strangers. -Maybe even assassins. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:17 | |
What(?) | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Is this true, Princes Dick and Dom? Have you been cheating? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
Answer me, or I'll have you both turned into jam! | 0:20:23 | 0:20:28 | |
Well, we... We... | 0:20:28 | 0:20:32 | |
We were preparing for the third test, King! | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
We were preparing our... | 0:20:36 | 0:20:40 | |
- ..secret act. - And what is your secret act? | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
Erm... | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
We can... | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
We can... | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
-We can throw our voices! -What? | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
It's us! Princes Dick and Dom! | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
We're in front of you, but see how our voices come from over here? | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
-See how we still move our mouths. -THE KING LAUGHS | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
# La, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la! # | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
# Dum, de, dum De, dum, deeeee, dum! # | 0:21:09 | 0:21:13 | |
DICK AND DOM BOTH SING: # Boogie, woogie! Shalalala! # | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
# Heads, shoulders Knees and nipples | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
# Knees and nipples! # | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
# Heads, elbows, necks and bums | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
# necks and bums...! # | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
Ah, wonderful, that's wonderful, and it explains everything! | 0:21:26 | 0:21:32 | |
You have truly entertained me! | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
You have won the test and you shall be married into my family! | 0:21:34 | 0:21:39 | |
Princes Rick and Ron, shame on you for suspecting these noble princes! | 0:21:39 | 0:21:46 | |
As a punishment, you shall be married to two potted plants! | 0:21:46 | 0:21:53 | |
-What? Potted plants...? -Oh, gutted! | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
To the chapel! | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
We are gathered here today... | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
because it would be silly to be gathered here last night...(!) | 0:22:07 | 0:22:12 | |
-HE LAUGHS -I've had time to put in some jokes! | 0:22:12 | 0:22:17 | |
Marriage is not something to be taken lightly... | 0:22:19 | 0:22:24 | |
especially if your partner's eaten all the pies! | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
That's not funny. Cut to the end bit! | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
Or I shall behead you! | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
Do you...Prince Dominic Smith... | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
and you... Prince Richard Furlong Um-Bongo | 0:22:37 | 0:22:42 | |
Samsonite Pashmina Marigold Smith...? | 0:22:42 | 0:22:47 | |
..take these women, Minny and Maxie of Kong, | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
to be your lawful wedded wives? | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
With every ounce of my conk... I mean, heart. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
Oh, yes, I do. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
And do you, Minny and Max Kong, take these princes, | 0:22:58 | 0:23:04 | |
Dick and Dom or Dom and Dick, to be your lawfully wedded husbands? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
No! We don't! We want to marry them! | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
Now come, come, Minny, these are honourable princes. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
No, they're not! | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
That one's well shifty looking. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
And that one's about 90. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
Look I have a gland pr...! Oh, who am I kidding? She's right. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:26 | |
We want to marry them. They're well fit. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
-And if you don't let us, we'll cry and kick up a fuss. -Yes! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:34 | |
If you think I'll give in to that childish... | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
threatening... THE PRINCESSES SHOUT AND SOB | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
Look, I'm really sorry about this, but they won't change their minds, | 0:23:39 | 0:23:44 | |
they're the same with Christmas presents. If I can do anything... | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
Well, there is one thing... | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
Erm... That really big conker? | 0:23:52 | 0:23:56 | |
You want the conker? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
The King's conker? You want the King of Kong's conker | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
- from the King's conker tree? - Hm...yep. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:05 | |
Well, this has been a massive inconvenience for you. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
Oh, massive! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
And you have had to come a long way to the kingdom. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Miles. And we have spent a fortune on food. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
Don't push it. I concur. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
You shall have the conker. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
Thank you, your majesty! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
What else? | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
Well, you never did have a feel of our... | 0:24:27 | 0:24:32 | |
bags! | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
They're gone! | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
Sorry about this. Those rubbish collectors are very diligent. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
But don't worry, I'm the King! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
If it's too late, I'll get a few weasels, | 0:24:51 | 0:24:54 | |
knock you up a couple of new bags. HE LAUGHS | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
Even softer this time. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
-It's slightly more complicated than that! -Mm! | 0:24:59 | 0:25:03 | |
Oh, look! Over there, in the distance! | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
I only hope we make it in time, Lutin! | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
I mean, Prince Dom. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
What's that crackling noise? Oh no, | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
I think we're... | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
I think we're on fire! Heeeelp! | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
Park here. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
Damn! Never a parking space when you want one! | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
You'll have to go round the block. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
Get out of it! I may be King, but I shall do this myself. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
-WHOOSH! -Hee, hee! | 0:25:44 | 0:25:48 | |
-WHOOSH! -Ow...! | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
There's your bags! I'm afraid the leather | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
-might not be so soft any more. -Oh..! -Did that bag just move? | 0:25:53 | 0:25:57 | |
I said those weasels were fresh! | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
We should let you get back to the wedding, your majesty. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
-We should really go now. -Yeah. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
It has been an honour. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
Here is your conker. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
No, not really, that's a lump of donkey's poo! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
-Eurgh! -Laugh, laugh! THEY LAUGH | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
Here is the real conker. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:26 | |
Now, keep it well. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
Goodbye, Princes Dick and Dom. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:33 | |
DICK AND DOM: Goodbye! > | 0:26:33 | 0:26:34 | |
Throwing your voices again! | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
It's very clever. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
Here's to a happy ending! | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
This yours, mate? Gonna have to give you a ticket. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
Do you want me to cut your nipples off?! Eh?! Oi! Come 'ere! Come 'ere! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:49 | |
'And so, our brave adventurers | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
'had the King's conker from the kingdom of Kong. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
'And the real Princes Dick and Dom were turned back | 0:26:55 | 0:26:58 | |
'to flesh and bones again. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
'And nails, and hair, and - eurgh! - squishy stuff.' | 0:27:00 | 0:27:05 | |
-Everything back to normal? -I'm going to write a letter of complaint | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
-to that rubbish collector! -Yep, sounds like normal to me. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
My toes still feel like stone, I can't feel my foot! | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
-That's my foot, you twonk! -Oh. Thank goodness for that. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
A glorious day. A triumph... | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
in the championships, a miserable marriage averted. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
And we're one step further | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
on our quest. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
Come on, let's get out of here. I don't fancy our chances much | 0:27:37 | 0:27:41 | |
-when that King works out he's been diddled. -Excuse me! | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
Look, I can't... I've had the worst day ever. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:48 | |
Will somebody please just tell me, | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
Where is the castle of Kong? | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
ALL: That way! | 0:27:54 | 0:27:55 | |
Right, that way... Right...! | 0:27:55 | 0:27:59 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
Email [email protected] | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 |