Beastly The Legend of Dick and Dom

In the kingdom of Fyredor, there was a terrible plague.

Princes Dick and Dom dropped the only cure.

GET OUT!

Banished along with their mage Mannitol and servant Lutin,

they set about collecting the ingredients to remake the potion -

milk from a giant cow,

sick from a vampire baby, dandruff from Princess Gladys

and nothing at all from this fat, purple man.

Eventually, they returned home with a new antidote.

Sadly, due to Mannitol's ineptitude,

they mucked the whole thing up and made the wrong potion.

..continues.

Can we please stop this childish nonsense?

Is nobody going to talk to me?

How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

-306.

-Oh. Right. And, er, how many times have I...

-217.

-Er, well, I'm sorry.

-18.

-I'm sorry.

-19.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-20, 21, 22.

-Sorry, sorry!

-Sorry!

-304.

-Sorry.

-305.

-Sorry!

-306.

-So, that's...

-..306.

I think we can consider the matter closed.

Good. Well, nice to be back on the team.

And I'm sure the people of Fyredor will be equally forgiving.

COUGHING

The stupid idiots!

Oh, dear.

Oh, 'ere they come.

You bungling nincompoop!

Oh, me arm, Dennis! It's come off.

What have you done to us?

Well, it seems the plague might have got a little bit worse.

COUGHING

Oh, Dennis, your head's come off.

OK, maybe a lot worse. Let's go.

Sorry.

LAUGHTER

COUGHING

Right, meet at the town gates at two.

Mannitol? Go and get changed.

You stink of goat.

-Hi, Dad.

-All right, Dad?

Don't call me Dad! I've told you before, it's "King".

-What about King Dad?

-Er, Big Daddy King?

-Daddy Cuddle King.

-Doo-Wah Daddy-Waddy.

-Call me King!

-Sorry, Dad.

-He means King!

-Yeah.

So, you've come back.

Shut up!

You took fifteen months,

you wasted all our gold,

and instead of bringing us a cure,

you brought us a balm for scabby feet. Now listen to me.

This plague has taken a terrible turn for the worst.

It's started turning us all into beasts. Yes, yes, yes.

I mean, look what it's done to your mother.

Mummy?

-Is that really you?

-Yeah, same floppy face.

Ah!

We don't know why, but this plague is turning us all into animals.

I mean, your Uncle Mick grew a tail and he's turning into a donkey!

And your Aunt Maureen's got hair all over her face!

What's she turning into?

Actually, our Maureen's always had hair all over her face.

It was a bad example. This is serious!

Nobody knows how long we've got left. So it's up to you.

You are our last, last, last, last, last, last, L-A-S-T,

last hope!

HE BARKS AND HOWLS

So get out there and make a proper antidote before it's too late.

Yes, Dad. King!

Princes? You've been away for months.

Are you not going to kiss your mother goodbye?

-Things have really taken a turn for the worse.

-You're telling me.

I can still taste the dog food.

No, I'm talking about the plague!

-Oh.

-If everyone's turning into beasts,

then we need to get the antidote made, and...

Don't move!

You've got something in your hair.

-Oh, right, yeah, that's me nits.

-What?

I got nits. Well, I've only got one, actually. Do you want to meet him?

Ahh!

Hang on.

-I'll try and get him for you.

-I wouldn't.

CRUNCH!

-You little...

-I told you.

I think he quite likes you. I've grown quite attached to Stanley.

-That's his name.

-Come on. We're running late.

So the two princes headed for the Fyredor town gates

to meet up with their companions and set off once again.

There you are! Right, we need to get going.

I know, because of the quest!

No, we need to get going cos I've nicked all this!

What? Oh, right.

Yes. Well, er, we've nearly finished packing. Haven't we, Dick?

Seconds away.

But we're still waiting for Mannitol.

-Really?

-Mm.

-It's not like Mannitol.

He's never late. Useless, but never late.

-Mm.

-Help! Help! I can't breathe!

I think I've got a peg up me nose!

Oh, for goodness sake.

Your brozzer seems in need of wescue.

-Rescue?

-Ja. As I say, wescue.

Vorsprung durch Technik.

Zere. Now you are all weady for your qvest.

Wow!

-Thanks! I've never seen a spell work properly.

-Hm!

Well, er, none of Mannitol's, anyway.

Ah, ja. Poor Mannitol.

I fear I have some sad news.

He told me to give you zis.

Oh!

MANNITOL'S VOICE: 'Dear Princes,

'I have failed you utterly and have decided to withdraw from the quest.

'The people of Fyredor are right.

-'I am a terrible wizard and you deserve better.'

-Erm,

-how are you doing that?

-'Don't know.

'So, to replace me, I'm sending you a new, powerful wizard named Hans.

'Please make him welcome.

'I shall be retiring to the sunny beaches of Throll.

'Do not try to find me. I'm sorry. Mannitol.'

Mm! Poor Mannitol.

But it doesn't make sense.

Mannitol wouldn't abandon the quest for anything.

Maybe he was worried about messing up again.

I know zis must be difficult for you, but ze kingdom is in such danger.

You need ze very best vizard you can get.

Und so, good princes, I am at your service.

It is an honour!

But I didn't even get to say goodbye to Mannitol.

I understand your weluctance, Fwaulein.

Maybe it is too early for a weplacement wizard.

Maybe I should leave.

No, no, no! Hans, you're on the team! Come on, Lutin.

The people of Fyredor are counting on us, with or without Mannitol.

Hm? Hm?

-All for one and one for all! Yes?

-Yes.

-Ja.

Fine.

-Ausgezeichnet!

-OW!

Right, let us go!

-Right, so, the...

-So zis is ze fabled scroll.

How amazing.

So, ze next ingwedient you need for your qvest

is a sigh from ze Pit of Despair.

Hm, I have heard of zis place...

Oh, Mannitol used to say that.

..a tewwible, dark chasm where men fear to twead...

He used to say that, too!

..a gaping hole where even waliant men may wanish.

Oh. He never said that.

Er, it does sound a little dangerous.

Ja. It is tewwibly dangerous.

But fear not, for I vill guide you zere und protect you.

Ho-wah!

Rah...

If we leave now, ve can camp halfway.

Let's go.

Ah, wait. This sounds an odd ingredient.

Are you sure you checked that properly? Can I just...

Now, now, Lutin, zis is important business, not for a servant.

-I'm no servant!

-Er, you are. You are.

Get the baggage.

Ja, it really works the muscles here, ja?

Yeah! Hans, you make this so easy.

-I don't know why moaned about walking so much.

-Hm.

Come on, Lutin!

Oh, ja, ja, ja.

Zere is one ozzer thing. In order to make ze antidote properly,

I require one further thing.

I need one hair from each of you.

-Oh, OK. Have one of Dom's.

-Oh, no!

No, I've got a very sensitive scalp!

Oh, no! Oh, let me know when you're going to pull it.

I know it's going to hurt!

I pulled it out ages ago.

Did you? Oh.

Danke schoen. And, Prince Dick, may I?

Oh, yeah, but watch out...

CRUNCH Ohh!

My hand! My poor hand!

I've got a nit. It's partial to a finger or two.

Here, have this hair. It's not from me head.

That's why it's got a bogey on it.

Ugh...oh!

Oh!

I think I've broken something!

-I hope it's not my antique soap dish.

-I meant a bone!

Oh. Right.

Why are you lazing awound down zere? Right! Let's roll!

Oh, wait!

I hope you're having a lovely time

on your bloomin' beach holiday, Mannitol...

Help! Help!

Oh, please help! I have been kidnapped by a man called Hans!

Fyredor is in terrible trouble!

These chains are chafing my delicate wrists!

Help! Help!

Chin up, mate, it might never 'appen.

You have to help me!

I'm trapped,

-and I can't cast an escape spell with my hands chained up.

-Escape?

-You must be joking. Practically impossible.

-Oh.

Well, there is one way.

-Really? What?

-First things first.

I'm Maurice. Hello. Do you fancy playing a game or something?

How about a game of hangman? Geddit?

Hangman?

-No, what you were saying before about escape.

-Eh?

-Please, this is urgent!

-Oh, OK, yeah.

You bang on the wall, the jailer comes downstairs.

When he gets here - and this is the good bit -

you persuade him that you're mad, they take you away.

-Easy way out.

-Really? Yeah.

And that's what you've been doing, pretending you are mad, yes?

Oh, no, I actually am mad.

To be honest, I'm not even sure if there is a jailer.

Do you like bacon?

-What?

-I once made a collage out of lettuce.

Didn't look much like my mum, though. Do you fancy a prawn ring?

HE BARKS LIKE A DOG

-Oh, heavens!

-Do you know another thing that passes the time nicely?

-What?

-The joy of song.

-Oh, no.

# If you're happy and you know it, shake your chains

# If you're happy and you know it, shake your chains... #

I think I might actually be in hell.

# ..and you really want to show it

# If you're happy and you know it, clink your chains! #

Help!

Well, I'm full.

-I'm full.

-Yeah. Couldn't eat another thing.

-Yeah.

-It was certainly an interesting dinner, Lutin.

Yeah, well, I've never actually cooked this recipe before.

Or any recipe, if you must know.

Vell, ve are halfway to ze Pit of Despair.

Tomorrow, it vill be an early start.

So I shall wetire to my tent for some light weading.

-Creep.

-Lutin! Don't be rude. Apologise.

It is all right. It takes some people time to...adjust.

Good night, Fraulein!

Ze fools! Ze stupid, foolish fools!

< Er, we can still hear you, y'know.

Er, just weading my book.

Ze stupid fools.

By giving me zeir hair, zey have allowed me to vork my evil woodoo.

Let us see how you liked your dinner now, Pwince Dom.

Oh, my stomach!

-I know the food wasn't that great, so there's no need to be smart.

-I'm not!

AHH! I'm in agony!

Come on, Dom, leave her alone.

You don't hear me complaining.

Ja, baby, ja!

Oh, hilarious(!)

Ja, lap it up, baby! Ja!

Help! I can't stop eating!

Have you two finished?

Help! I can't see!

-LUTIN:

-Hans?

What are you doing?

Just weading.

Weally(?)

Ja. Ooh!

I don't know why it happened.

Maybe it was a dream.

Oh. No.

It wasn't a dream. There's my sick.

Pssst!

I need to talk to you both.

-It's about Hans.

-Oh, come on, Lutin, give him a chance!

Let me finish!

I know you think I'm being daft, but I really think he might be dangerous.

And I can prove it!

Go on.

He's hiding something,

something really dark and freaky, and he keeps it in his cauldron.

I swear to you, it's evil.

I think it might be some sort of, some sort of...

HANS: Vat do I have to do to be fwiends wiz you, Lutin?

-I twy everything, und yet you still spwead these wumours.

-Eh?

Ze only thing I care about is getting ze pwinces to ze Pit of Despair.

Oh.

Er, so ve can cure ze plague, obviously.

-Er, Hans? We do believe you. But...

-SQUELCH

Oh.

..but I suppose we could just ask to have a little look in your cauldron.

-Sorry.

-All right. Zere is something zat I did not vant you to know about.

I knew it!

It was meant to be a surpwise to thank you

for being ze gweatest pwinces I have ever served!

No! But that isn't it!

-He had these freaky puppets, and they...

-Lutin?

-I think you owe Hans an apology.

-Ja.

-Yeah, come over here and shake Hans'...hands.

-No!

Never! There's something going on here, and if you two don't believe me

then, well, I'm going back to Fyredor to find somebody who will!

# Eyes and ears and mouth and nose, whoo!

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! #

Right, your turn.

HE SNIFFS

-Can you smell hummus?

-No. No, no! No, no, listen to me!

My friends are in danger.

I need to escape!

Well, why didn't you just say so?

-You need the key to unlock your shackles.

-There's a key? What key?

Oh, praise the heavens!

-Where?

-Up there in the corner.

Well, not always.

It comes and sits there. It goes...

"Oo, oo, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

You mean...

-a monkey?

-Yes! A monkey!

How about this one?

# One million green flagons hangin' on the green flagon hanger

# One million green flagons hangin' on the green flagon hanger

# And if one green flagon should accidentally fall... #

Oh, Mannitol! I'm never going to find him!

He's gone forever.

All I've got is this staff to remember him by.

Wait a minute.

It's Mannitol's staff!

Mannitol?

Mannitol! FAINT SINGING

Are you singing?

-# ..should accidentally fall... #

-Get me out of here!

Yeah, all right, keep your hair on!

# ..hangin' on the green flagon hanger

# Ba ba ba ba bom. Bah-deh! Brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, POW! #

-I...

-Sh!

Oh, thank goodness!

Encore? Encore?

No. No!

-# One million green flagons hangin' on the green flagon hanger... #

-NO!

Oh, Mannitol!

Oh, Lutin!

There is a spare sock in my belt.

-Oh, right. Is the key in there?

-No, no, no.

-I want you to stick it in his mouth.

-Oh, OK.

# ..hangin' on... #

That's better.

NOW GET ME DOWN!

All right...

Zis is ze Great Plain of Balacor.

Ze Pit of Despair is just over zere.

It is an enchanted pit, cursed to moan und sigh forever.

THE PIT MOANS

Sounds a bit like our dad.

Und now zat ve are finally here, zere is one last thing I have to tell you.

You are both complete idiots!

-Oh, thank you! What?!

-Total fools.

To think zat you believed I would help you in your qvest.

-Hang on a minute!

-Shut up. Shut up, shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

-'Ere, you can't tell him to shut up.

-I can do vatever I vant.

Ooh, ze things I've had to put up with zese past two days.

You und your stupid over-attention to detail,

insisting zat all ze tents have to face ze same vay.

Well, that does actually decrease wind resistance.

Und you!

viz your silly jokes about ze spoons

and thinking zat farting dwarves are funny.

I never intended to help you pwinces.

I...

I am svorn to destwoy you und your pathetic little kingdom.

Ze plague vill flourish und everyone vill be twansformed into beasts!

Why, I oughta... I oughta pull your hair!

No way.

Mm!

What are they?

I think perhaps it is your own hair you vant to be pulling, nein?

-Ow!

-'Ere, get off him!

Awww, what's ze matter, Pwince Dick?

I heard a wumour zat you vere ticklish.

Leave him alone! You stop this!

Look at you.

It is pathetic, so soon after your qvest has begun.

But for you gentlemen,

ze qvest is over!

Me legs! I can't feel me legs!

Now vitness ze full power of my woodoo.

-Voodoo?

-Woodoo.

-You do?

-Yes, I do.

-Dick, it's the Pit of Despair!

Soon you will know why it is called ze Pit of Despair.

HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

Eins, zwei,

-eins, zwei...

-As Dick and Dom marched to their doom,

Mannitol and Lutin were desperately racing to their rescue.

Oh, look! There they are!

I'm too young to die!

What about me? I'm seven seconds younger!

Today Fyredor, tomorrow Bottom World!

I fear we may be too late.

-Goodbye, Dick.

-Goodbye, Dom.

-Ah!

-Ah!

Stop, driver, stop!

Whoa!

-Lutin?

-Mannitol?

Get off me!

Give me those puppets!

-Ahh!

-Whoa!

You weally think a lazy, good-for-nothing servant

vill get ze better of Hans?

Ooh. O-o-o-ooh!

Ah-h-h!

Arr!

Ahh..

This is for locking up Mannitol.

And this is for your stupid accent.

ARGH!

Oh, vell, who needs ze puppets anyway?

I can simply throw zem into ze pit.

Oh, ja, Hans, feel ze burn.

Vork ze upper body!

Oh, this is a nice one, this. Ooh, yes.

Oh, yes!

..and then he came crashing down. You were both brilliant.

-You should have seen your right hook.

-I had a hook?

Not lit... Oh, don't worry.

We did all this whilst passed out?

Yeah. Well, with a little help from your friends.

I was something of a street fighter in my youth.

Always comes in handy for busting a few moves.

SQUELCH Ah!

It's good to have you back, Mannitol.

No-one will ever replace you.

Not even a half-decent wizard.

Well, looks like he won't be troubling anyone for a while.

SPEECH MUFFLED

Well, let's see what the first item on our list really is.

Ah!

A royal nit.

Perfect.

No. No, no, no. Not Stanley.

-Please, no. No.

-Come on!

It's not going to hurt one bit.

-No, don't. No...

-Lutin?

-No! No!

-Got him!

-Got him!

-Got him!

-OW!

You! Ow!

Ha-ha-ha!

United again, and with the first ingredient safely in the vial,

Prince Dick, Prince Dom and their faithful servants,

Lutin and Mannitol, set off to re-remake the antidote,

the cure so desperately needed by the people of Fyredor.

The legend of Dick and Dom continues!

No! Mercy, please!

ARGHHH!

EVIL LAUGH

Verflixt und zugenaeht!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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