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Beast Master The Legend of Dick and Dom

Beast Master

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Transcript

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Many, many years ago,

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a terrible plague was turning the people of Fyredor

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into horrible beasts, and a few nice cuddly ones.

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Their only hope of a cure rested with Princes Dick and Dom,

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their light-fingered servant Lutin, and their trusty mage Mannitol.

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Unfortunately, they were utterly useless.

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They dropped the first antidote,

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mucked up the replacement antidote...

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Get out!

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..and now must collect the ingredients

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to re-re make the antidote, before all of Fyredor is doomed forever.

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..continues.

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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Last time, we left our four adventurers

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in a nail-biting cliff-hanger.

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Well, not actually hanging off a cliff,

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although they were probably biting their nails.

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But moments after completing the antidote,

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they were kidnapped by a fearsome, beastly villain.

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Hey, hey, hey! Come back!

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-Don't you know who we are?

-Yeah!

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Yeah! Who are we?

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We're princes!

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Oh, yeah, of course, I knew that.

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We've been travelling for days. Where are we?

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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Oi, feather features, let us out!

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I've got friends who'll make you pay for this!

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Yes, what gives you the right to imprison us?

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Blinky, put them in the dungeon.

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No, no, no, shove them in the dungeon.

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No, no, no, throw them in the dungeon,

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so they fall flat on their pudgy little faces

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and cry for their mummies!

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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Why have we been brought here?

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Get in! Get in!

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Just moments after completing the antidote!

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I am going to conceal the vial, just in case.

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Unfortunately, this cell's not exactly awash with hiding places.

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I'll give you a hand.

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-Maybe this is just a dream.

-Yeah.

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Hang on, let me see if we're dreaming.

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Aaargh! Aah! Ahh!

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No! Let me see if you're dreaming!

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Aargh! Ah!

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All right, all right! Stop it, the both of you! Blimey.

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One night in a cell with you, and I'd admit to anything! Idiots.

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Yes, Princes, I fear perhaps some of your more energetic antics

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-might have caught up with us.

-What?

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So you're saying all this is our fault?

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Our behaviour is consummate!

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He's right, it's pretty bad.

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Yes, no, that means it's perfect! We are model princes.

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I mean, when have we ever made mistakes?

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Brother, nothing like the great outdoors, the sun is shining.

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The birds are singing.

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The tent's running away!

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The tent is running awa... What?!

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Oh, my gosh! What's going on? Help!

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-We're coming, Mannitol.

-Which of you hammered those tent pegs in?

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Pegs? Do tents have pegs?

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So, er where's the ghost?

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Ah, don't say I've missed it? Isn't that terrible luck?

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I could have got it if you'd given me the vial.

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No, I could have got it if YOU had given ME the vial.

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-You already had it!

-No, you already had it!

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-Stop repeating everything!

-Stop repeating everything!

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-You're so annoying.

-You're so annoying.

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-Right!

-Right! That's it!

-That's it!

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THEY YELL

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HE SNEEZES

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Oh! Oh!

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Oh! Oh!

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Eugh! Eugh!

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Raaah!

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HE SCREAMS

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Yeeeuugh!

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Eugh! Eugh!

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THEY YELL

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Oh! Oh! No!

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THEY SIGH Phew!

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You know, for a minute, I thought it was going to...

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Aaaagh! SMASHING

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Ooh! One little piece of advice.

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Oh, what now?

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When you're in Hag Wood,

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watch your step.

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-I think you should be watching your step!

-Yeah, you jobsworth...

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BOTH: Aaargh!

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-Aaah! Help!

-I'm drowning!

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-Wait a second!

-Don't just stand there, help me!

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Look, look, look!

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-Oh!

-Oh!

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THEY SPLUTTER

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I think I've swallowed half the muddy puddle.

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Yeah, me too.

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Oh, dear.

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-What is it?

-Oh!

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-I feel really weird!

-DOM BABBLES

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Yeah, m-m-me too!

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-What's happening to them?

-I don't know.

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It must be something to do with all that muddy water they've just drunk!

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THEY BABBLE

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BOTH: Aaaaahhhhhh!

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Oh, great!

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Ah! So, who got the job?

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Well, let's just recap, shall we?

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This morning, you stocked the cash machine full of toilet paper.

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So, instead of stocking the toilet with paper, we stocked it with...

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Cash, yes. Fortunately, the chief cashier noticed on the third wipe.

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We're having the rest steam-cleaned.

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Your work this afternoon wasn't much better.

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You introduced a "buy one, get one free" offer on money.

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Completely unauthorised, and costing the bank nearly 16,000 kankles.

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So, who got the job?

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Get out, get out, get out! And never come back!

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Yeah, well.

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So we made a few mistakes.

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-Fair enough.

-But that doesn't mean it's our fault we're in prison.

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No! You two are hardly perfect!

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Yeah! Think about some of the stuff you have made a pig's ear of, huh?

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Need my gingerbread!

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Must find my gingerbread!

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Oh!

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I want gingerbread!

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Ah there you are!

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Lutin, you must fight this, you have to!

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-SPEECH DISTORTS AND SLOWS

-Let's go back downstairs.

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Mmmm, gingerbread!

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Er... You know, there were some most interesting pictures

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along the staircase, some of them look vaguely familiar.

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Almost as... Lutin,

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what are you doing?

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Oh, heavens! Stage two -

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hallucinations! No, Lutin!

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No, no!

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Oh! Oh, crumbs!

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Mmmm, crumbs.

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Oh!

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Ahh, I can't wait to see these ghosts!

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-You're not scared are you, Dom?

-Aah! No, no...

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No. No, of course I'm not scared.

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I mean, "Scariest place Bottom World,"

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I mean, basically it's the most boring place in Bottom World.

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Look, it's an abandoned graveyard. HE YAWNS

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CRUNCHING

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THEY GASP

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-What was that?

-Probably nothing.

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CRUNCHING

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It's, er... It's behind us.

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CRUNCHING

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BOTH: Lutin!

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What? Just having my dinner.

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Mm, gingerbread.

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This yours?

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Yeah. So?

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I've got a Princess Gloria

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what can put you at the scene of her family jewels getting nicked.

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Oooh, and what have we got here then, eh?

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I nicked those jewels weeks ago.

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Oh, really?

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Let the record show the suspect has admitted to the theft

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of a bag of jewels.

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Ugh!

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Hello, good evening.

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I'm wondering if you can tell me the way to Smelly End?

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Oh, now, wait a minute. Let me think.

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Flapjack, laminate, wellington!

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Oh! Er... Choo-choo, overflow, waistline!

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-Are you trying to knock me out?

-No.

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You want to get in the bank, don't you?

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Probably steal everything from the vault?

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Well, it looks to me, sunshine, like your daring little plan is over.

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Oh, dear.

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We're all agreed, We're all as bad as each other.

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Any of us could be the reason why we're here.

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Well, let's just wait and see what our captors say.

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Speak of the devil.

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Yes, yes, now you! Guard! Guard!

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-I demand...

-Names?

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-Well, I'm Prince Dick.

-Prince Dick.

-This is Prince Dom, my brother.

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My brother.

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-This is our servant, Lutin.

-Servant Lutin.

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-And our mage, Mannitol.

-Maid Marion.

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Now, look, I demand that you...

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-Occupations?

-Erm, can we get back to you on that one?

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Look, I demand...

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Last fixed abode?

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The prison cart?

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Prison cart.

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Now, listen to me!

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I demand that you... continue to ignore me.

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Right, you take these, all right, and look at him.

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ACCORDION PLAYS

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Face ze front.

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Turn to ze right.

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C'est ca, c'est magnifique!

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Magnifique, magnifique!

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-All right, look, we've had just about enough of this!

-Fine.

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Still no explanation.

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This has got to be the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

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Oh, no, come on. Some pretty bad things have happened to us.

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Look at you. It is pathetic.

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And so soon after your quest has begun,

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but for you, gentleman...

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ze quest is over!

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Me legs, I can't stop my legs!

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Vitness the full power of my woodoo!

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-Who do?

-Woodoo!

-You do?

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-Yes, I do.

-Dick! The pit of despair!

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Soon you will know why it is called the pit of despair!

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HE LAUGHS EVILLY

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Eins, zwei, eins, zwei...

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# Eyes and ears and mouth and nose

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# Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes! #

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Right, your turn!

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Can you smell hummus?

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No, no, no, now, listen to me!

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My friends are in danger.

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I need to escape.

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Well, why didn't you just say so?

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You need the key to unlock your shackles.

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There's a key? What key!

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Oh, praise the heavens! Where?

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Up there, in the corner. Well, not always.

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It comes and sits there.

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It goes, "Ooo, ooo, oo, ahhh, ahhh, ahhh!

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You mean a monkey.

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Yes, a monkey.

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How about this one?

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# One million green flagons hanging on a green flagon hanger

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# One million green flagons hanging on a flagon hanger

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# And if one green flagon... #

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OK, sisters, I think the prisoners are fat enough now.

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Hmmm, smells nice. What's for din-dins?

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Oh, just a little something we like to call man surprise.

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Man surprise? What's that?

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Roast wizard, and prince pie!

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THEY ROAR

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Aaargh!

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Aaargh!

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-Sorry, we're closed.

-I...

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THWACK!

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-Ooh...

-Ooh.

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THWACK!

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Four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please.

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Sorry?

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Four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please.

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Who?

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The Hairy Fizzogs.

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How many?

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-Four!

-Four what?

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Four tickets!

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What for?

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-For - I'll give you what-for, in a minute!

-All right...

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-Could we have four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please?

-Mm.

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-Why didn't you just say so?

-Grrr...

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When for?

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Oh, I don't know, a week on Thursday?

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For today, you idiot!

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There's no need to be personal, I'm just doing my job.

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But I thought your job was to sell people tickets.

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-It is.

-Well, go on, then.

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-What?

-ALL: Four tickets to the Hairy Fizzogs, please!

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All right, all right, let's have a look, shall we?

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-Standing or squatting?

-ALL: Squatting!

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PRRRP

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DING!

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Argh!

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What do you lot want?

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-You!

-You!

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-You!

-Who? Oh, him.

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And you are?

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Some call me Lord Of Nature. Others call me Master Of Creation.

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Some call me Cuddly Pops.

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But I prefer to be known as the Beastmaster!

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You must have a real name. You must have been christened something.

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What is it, Keith?

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Sylvester?

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Ron? It's Ron, isn't it?

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Don? John? Johnny? Tommy?

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Bobby? Dobbie? Nobby?

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-Ah, Noddy.

-Silence!

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I have no other name, just the Beastmaster!

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I am Lord of all that is beastly,

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all that is furry, fetid, squelchy and horrid.

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Technically, then, he should be in charge of your sleeping bag.

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So, you can talk to animals, can you?

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I don't know about that, what do you think, Snakey?

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What's that? No, not right now, it isn't a good time.

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What? Well, you should have gone before we came out.

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Have a meaty treat to take your mind off it.

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Meaty treaty, meaty treaty, oh, forget it.

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If you continue to hold us against our will, there will be big trouble.

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I demand you release us immediately!

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Oh, ooh, aaah(!)

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THE BEASTMASTER LAUGHS

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Don't laugh! I'm very angry.

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If you think you're angry now,

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you'll be furious in a few minutes' time, won't they, Snakey?

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-What do you mean?

-You think this is an accident?

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You think you're here by mistake?

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No, for your entire quest,

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every awful thing that happened to you was down to me.

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Every misfortune, every horrible moment, every bad person.

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Remember all those villains you came up against?

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I am sworn to destroy you!

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You will suffer.

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You're toast.

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HE CHUCKLES

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HE COUGHS

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# Bad to the bone

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# B-b-b-bad

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# B-b-b-bad... #

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Destroy them.

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# Bad to the bone... #

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Don't they scare you?

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# On the day I was born

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# The nurses all gathered round

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# And they gazed in wide wonder

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# At the joy they had found

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# The head nurse spoke up

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# Said leave this one alone

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# She could tell right away

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# That I was bad to the bone

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# Bad to the bone

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# B-b-b-bad

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# Bad to the bone... #

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You know they're creepy, right?

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HE LAUGHS AND COUGHS

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Sorry.

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Get out of this office, get out of this town.

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Goodbye, princes.

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THEY BOTH LAUGH

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Evil plan working!

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THEY ALL LAUGH

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Ze plague will flourish,

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und everybody vill be twansformed into beasts!

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Lovely.

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You? All those nasty people were down to you?

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This runs so much deeper than you thought.

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But why have you done all this? Why us?

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-Let's have a little history lesson, shall we?

-Argh! No!

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Sorry, just a flashback to school.

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I've got to stop doing that!

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When I was a young man,

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I first realised I had a certain affinity with creatures.

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So, all those years ago, I trained to become a master alchemist.

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And now, with extracts of nature and essence of beast,

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I can make foul, unholy creations!

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I can make those using just a beef curry.

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HE BREAKS WIND AND THEY LAUGH

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How very amusing(!)

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But will your family find it all that funny back home in Fyredor?

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Fyredor? How do you know about our family?

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I know everything about Fyredor. Those poor people.

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That terrible, terrible plague, turning everyone into beasts.

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-Who do you think started it?

-You?!

0:19:210:19:24

Yes, I created the plague.

0:19:240:19:26

All of Fyredor shall be beasts!

0:19:260:19:29

And it was all going to plan,

0:19:290:19:31

until you began to make that antidote of yours. Where is it?

0:19:310:19:35

Never!

0:19:350:19:36

-You'll never find it!

-Aaargh!

0:19:360:19:40

Where? Where is it? That antidote! You!

0:19:400:19:46

You know where the antidote is. Where is it?

0:19:460:19:49

Oh, giving me the silent treatment, eh?

0:19:490:19:53

So you'd prefer to spend a month in a pit of bogies?

0:19:530:19:56

Or be hung upside down in a cess pool of camel wee-wee?

0:19:560:20:00

You can't scare us, we've had much worse.

0:20:000:20:03

She's right. We've been involved in some pretty yukky stuff.

0:20:030:20:08

BLEATING

0:20:110:20:12

It's no good, Kevin. I can't hit a top A above a middle C.

0:20:150:20:18

Curse this plague.

0:20:180:20:20

HE BLEATS

0:20:200:20:22

How am I supposed to perform tonight if I've got the voice of a goat?

0:20:220:20:26

I told you we should never have played Fyredor, but, "Oh, no!

0:20:260:20:30

"Plague victims need music too, you know," you said.

0:20:300:20:35

And that audience. Did you see them? What a sight!

0:20:350:20:38

Half covered in pustules and boils,

0:20:380:20:40

and the other half with snouts and trotters.

0:20:400:20:42

Oh, it was hideous.

0:20:420:20:46

Well, at least by the time the animal symptoms appear

0:20:480:20:51

you're no longer contagious.

0:20:510:20:53

So you boys should be all right.

0:20:530:20:55

But I mean, if I had to catch a plague that turns you into an animal,

0:20:550:20:59

why couldn't I turn into a songbird, or a pigeon?

0:20:590:21:02

HE COOS Something with a voice!

0:21:020:21:05

But, no. I'm turning into a goat.

0:21:050:21:07

And I'm hungry all the time.

0:21:070:21:09

And I've got a splinter, look at that!

0:21:090:21:11

Look! I tell you, I'm being punished!

0:21:110:21:15

Ja, baby, ja.

0:21:190:21:20

Oh, hilarious(!)

0:21:230:21:25

Ja, lap it up, baby.

0:21:390:21:41

Ja!

0:21:410:21:42

Help! I can't stop eating.

0:21:440:21:45

Urgh! Urgh! Aaargh!

0:21:450:21:48

Have you two finished?

0:21:520:21:54

Aaargh, help! I can't see!

0:22:000:22:03

HE LAUGHS

0:22:030:22:05

Hans!

0:22:080:22:10

-What are you doing?

-Just...weeding.

0:22:130:22:17

Weally?

0:22:170:22:19

Ja.

0:22:190:22:21

I can't pop it!

0:22:280:22:30

Put some muscle into it, you wimp!

0:22:300:22:32

-Did you get some?

-More than enough.

0:22:410:22:45

One, two, three, four!

0:22:450:22:47

# You got a gross moustache and your hair is weird

0:22:500:22:53

# Whiskers up your nose and a grizzly beard

0:22:530:22:56

# You haven't had a shave for 15 years

0:22:560:22:58

# You got bushy eyebrows and bristly ears

0:22:580:23:01

# You got a hairy face

0:23:010:23:04

# But I love you

0:23:040:23:07

# You give me an itchy rash

0:23:070:23:09

# When I hug you

0:23:090:23:12

# I get a mouthful of rotting food

0:23:120:23:15

# When I kiss you

0:23:150:23:18

# Yeah, you got a hairy face

0:23:180:23:20

# That I love

0:23:200:23:23

# You got a gross moustache and your hair is weird

0:23:230:23:27

# Whiskers up your nose and a grizzly beard

0:23:270:23:30

# You haven't had a shave for 15 years

0:23:300:23:33

# You got bushy eyebrows and bristly ears

0:23:330:23:35

# You got a hairy face

0:23:350:23:37

# But I love you

0:23:370:23:40

# You give me an itchy rash

0:23:400:23:43

# When I hug you

0:23:430:23:46

# I get a mouthful of rotting food

0:23:460:23:48

# When I kiss you

0:23:480:23:52

# Yeah, you got a hairy face

0:23:520:23:54

# That I love

0:23:540:23:58

# You got a hairy face

0:23:580:24:01

# But I love you. #

0:24:010:24:05

So, whatever horrible things you threaten us with,

0:24:100:24:13

we're already used to them!

0:24:130:24:14

Fine. Have it your way.

0:24:140:24:17

I shall try a different tack.

0:24:170:24:18

Meet Aubrey.

0:24:180:24:20

Aubrey is a sniffer ferret. Believe me, you can't beat a sniffer ferret.

0:24:200:24:24

If the antidote is in this room, which it is,

0:24:240:24:27

Aubrey will tell me, won't you, Aubrey?

0:24:270:24:30

What? No, it's Friday.

0:24:300:24:32

I don't care, you get double pay on a Sunday, and nothing more!

0:24:320:24:35

Now, get to work!

0:24:350:24:38

Aubrey! What are you d.. Wrong way! Come back.

0:24:380:24:41

Aubrey, come back. Why, you workshy little...

0:24:410:24:45

Stop right there.

0:24:450:24:46

What do you think you're doing, little wizard?

0:24:460:24:49

I am going to cast a spell to render him immobile.

0:24:490:24:52

-ALL:

-Oh, no!

0:24:520:24:53

Bin-boil, gin-coil, tin-foil, Kremlin!

0:24:530:24:58

THE BEASTMASTER LAUGHS

0:24:580:25:01

Im-mobile, not a mobile.

0:25:010:25:05

Forget that. Look, we'll fight you, Beastmaster!

0:25:050:25:08

We are amazing fighters!

0:25:080:25:10

Many a time have we battled ourselves out of trouble!

0:25:100:25:13

THEY SCREAM

0:25:150:25:17

# Run to the hills

0:25:170:25:21

# Run for your lives

0:25:210:25:26

# Run to the hills

0:25:260:25:32

# Run for your lives

0:25:320:25:36

# Run to the hills

0:25:480:25:53

# Run for your lives. #

0:25:530:25:59

Pathetic! You can't fight me!

0:26:040:26:06

And I don't need to listen to any more of your tales of derring-do,

0:26:060:26:10

because right now, you're in the derring doo-doo!

0:26:100:26:13

Ha-ha, eh, what's that, snake? Yes, Daddy should be on the stage!

0:26:130:26:17

Have a cheesy treat.

0:26:170:26:19

Go on, "Yummy, yummy, yummy! I love the cheese." Oh, forget it.

0:26:190:26:23

Beastmaster, this is your last chance.

0:26:230:26:25

Let us go, or we will escape, and we will destroy you.

0:26:250:26:30

Yes! Everything he said.

0:26:300:26:32

Oh, well. I guess we'll have to do this the hard way.

0:26:320:26:36

You WILL tell me where the antidote is!

0:26:380:26:41

Until then, you're stuck here.

0:26:410:26:43

All of Fyredor shall be beasts!

0:26:430:26:46

THE BEASTMASTER LAUGHS EVILLY

0:26:460:26:49

Ha! We showed him.

0:26:490:26:52

Thank goodness he didn't find the antidote.

0:26:520:26:54

You know, your idea of putting your moustache disguise on the vial

0:26:540:26:59

worked a treat.

0:26:590:27:01

Well, I guess we're stuck here, then.

0:27:080:27:10

-For the time being.

-No.

0:27:100:27:13

I meant what I said.

0:27:130:27:16

We WILL escape.

0:27:160:27:18

We will return to Fyredor,

0:27:180:27:20

we will take the antidote home!

0:27:200:27:23

Are you sure?

0:27:230:27:25

Erm, yes, how difficult can it be?

0:27:250:27:28

Could our valiant heroes escape from the Beastmaster's lair,

0:27:310:27:35

and deliver the antidote to the plague-ridden people of Fyredor?

0:27:350:27:39

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