Haunted The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many years ago, a terrible plague

was turning the people of Fyredor into horrible beasts,

and a few nice cuddly ones.

Their only hope of a cure rested with Princes Dick and Dom,

their light-fingered servant Lutin and their trusty mage, Mannitol.

Unfortunately, they were utterly useless.

They dropped the first antidote,

mucked up the replacement antidote...

COUGHING Get out!

..and must collect the ingredients to re-remake the antidote

before all of Fyredor is doomed forever.

The Legend Of Dick And Dom continues.

Our heroes had to find just one more ingredient

to complete the antidote -

a ghost.

Ah. So...here we are.

Hello?

Guys?

-Ah!

-Sorry, sorry. We got caught up.

What's the matter with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.

What? No, I do not!

-Ahh! Oh!

-Ghosts? Well, I certainly hope so.

This is the most haunted place in all of Bottom World.

Perhaps you should sit this bit of the quest out.

It's the last item. We can do it.

Best leave it to people that are not scared of ghosts, eh?

Why don't you tidy the camp or...ooh, make some lavender soap?

Lavender?

Tidy?

I mean, I've never... I mean...

-Of... Of all...

-HEARTBEAT THUMPS

Sit it out? Sit it out! I mean, you...!

HE RANTS

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

I'm not...

repeat NOT scared of ghosts.

OK?

Roll up, roll up.

Ghost tours, haunted houses, discount paperweights?

Good morning, gentlemen.

I assume you're here in Argh to see our famous spirits.

-No, just passing...

-Yes, we'd like to find a ghost.

-One of the biggest, most horrible ones you've got. Right?

-S'pose so.

In that case, you've found the right person. I am Winston Fiddle.

My card.

"Mr Wint's Value Dry-Cleaning"?

Yes, a little sideline of mine. Er, here we are.

"Fiddle's Novelty Parrots"?

Another, less successful venture. Ah, there we are.

I'll...

Oh! "Winston Fiddle, professional ghost-hunter".

Paranormal expert

and medium.

Hm! I'd say more like an extra-large.

"Ghost advisor to the rich and famous"!

Although I prefer to concentrate on the rich half!

ALL LAUGH

Only joking. My company holds the exclusive rights

for ghost tours to the legendary Argh Manor...

the most haunted house in all of Bottom World.

Now, there's our introductory Bronze Tour.

That's two kankels.

You get your basic shiver down the spine

and three spooky moments.

At least one member or your party will have to change their trousers.

Princes, I'm not convinced of the authenticity of this.

Princes! I do apologise, your majesticals.

I had no idea I was in the company of members of such a noble, regal

and...loaded family.

-Ha-ha!

-BOTH: What a nice man!

For your princely-nessy-nesses,

I suggest for you the Platinum Tour, fit for a king.

Sounds perfect.

-You don't have a Platinum Tour.

-Lutin!

Don't argue with the lovely man.

The Platinum Tour is our gold standard.

Isn't your Gold the gold standard?

I do promise on the Platinum Tour,

you get two real sightings of a genuine ghost.

Plus, if you book before 9am, a free novelty parrot.

SQUAWK!

All that for the mere price of five...two plus three...plus...

5,000 kankels.

When do we start?

Oh! Oh, I can't wait to see these ghosts!

You're not scared, are you, Dom?

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Huh? No...

-NORMAL VOICE:

-No, course I'm not scared.

"Scariest place in Bottom World"?

It's the most BORING place in Bottom World!

An abandoned graveyard.

SNAP!

THEY GASP

-What was that?

-Probably nothing.

SNAP!

DICK WHIMPERS

It's behind us.

-BOTH:

-Lutin!

What? I'm just having my dinner. Mm, gingerbread!

Gingerbread? Again?

What do you mean? I hardly ever have gingerbread.

Gingerbread sandwich?

Mm...

-Lutin...

-Mm?

-I think we need to have a chat.

You can't go five minutes without eating a gingerbread man.

Or poached gingerbread.

Or gingerbread-in-the-hole.

You are...addicted.

SHE SCOFFS Rubbish!

I don't NEED gingerbread. I can give it up any time I want.

-Ah...

-Oh, gingerbread-in-the-hole!

Well, then, prove it.

I want you to put all of your gingerbread into this sack.

And I bet you can't go one night without eating gingerbread.

Hm! In there.

-Bup-bup-bup!

-Fine!

Deal!

Hm? Huh? Yeah?

I had no idea the problem ran so deep.

-Yes, and the rest.

-GINGERBREAD CLATTERS

-And the rest!

-GINGERBREAD RUMBLES

Thank you!

I am going to help you through this, Lutin.

Gingerbread withdrawal symptoms can be very severe.

Whatever! Bring it on! I don't need gingerbread!

Stage one - denial.

Well, let's make sure she doesn't get her hands on any of these.

-SMASH!

-Eh?

Ah! Oops!

Ah, there you are. Everything all right?

-Yes, yes, fine.

-Cracking.

Let's get you started on your tour.

Come with me as we journey into the unknown realm of the spiritual world.

HE PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES

This is Argh Manor, home of the ultimate ghost tour experience,

and, er, subject to a one kankel baggage-handling fee.

But you're not handling our baggage.

Exactly. The fee's for me not to.

I think I've got deja vu.

What, again?

No, no, no. No, this...

It feels as though I've been to this house before.

I seem to remember all of this.

DICK CLEARS HIS THROAT

Do you remember me hitting you over the head with this novelty parrot?

No.

-THUNK! Ah!

-Well, you're fine.

Ghost-hunters, prepare yourselves for the ultimate spooky experience...

..by visiting our gift shop, on the right.

-Ooh!

-Oh!

DOOR CREAKS OMINOUSLY

CREAKING STOPS

DOOR CREAKS

CREAKING STOPS

DOOR CREAKS

CREAKING STOPS

DOOR CREAKS

CREAKING STOPS WINSTON: Gather round.

It is time to hear the forbidden legend of Argh Manor -

a story of treachery, a story of treason

and a story that...

costs an extra kankel.

LUTIN SIGHS Once upon a time,

there lived in this very manor a cleaning lady by the name of Beryl.

Beryl was the finest cleaner in all of Argh.

In fact, legend has it she used to buff up the king's crown jewels.

Then one night, a terrible storm struck

and a bolt of lightning hit the tower

and turned the lady into a...

Oh.

..a ghost.

Years later, she can still be seen...

..late at night...

..when the moon is...

bright...

and...

shi...ning.

Much obliged to your highnesses.

What a rip-off!

Wasn't even the slightest bit scary.

DOM WHIMPERS

Oh, good grief!

Shh! Listen.

RATTLING

WIND HOWLS

WINSTON: The spirits are here.

Look! There she is!

It's Beryl, doomed to dust for all eternity.

SPOOKILY: Whoo-oo-oo-oo!

This is it - the final ingredient!

Prince Dom, prepare the vial.

Please, if you could try and remain still.

Whoo-oo!

You ready, Dom? Dom?

-MUFFLED:

-I'm a bit busy with something.

We need the vial if we're to catch the ghost.

-I'll be out in a minute.

-I'll catch her in my net.

No! No touching the ghost.

-It makes the spirit very angry.

-She's right there!

Beryl doesn't like to be disturbed.

-Upsets her Yin and Yang.

-She's gone!

LUTIN: I'm going to pop upstairs and take a look for the ginger...

I mean loo! The loo.

Lutin, no.

I know what you're doing and I won't permit it.

Looking for gingerbread!

I'm not! I promise!

Don't do it!

I must ask you not to enter unauthorised rooms.

I must ask you to stay here.

Oh, dear. She's going to go mad.

Er, I must communicate with the spirits alone,

refocus their energies. HE PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES

You stay here.

Need my gingerbread.

Must...find...my gingerbread.

Oh!

-I want gingerbread!

-Ah, there you are.

-HE GASPS

-Lutin, you must fight this.

You must fight this.

-SPEECH SLOWS:

-Let's go back downstairs.

Mm! Gingerbread!

Er...

There were some most interesting pictures along the staircase.

Some of them look vaguely familiar,

almost as, er...

Lutin, what are you doing?

Oh, heavens!

Stage two - hallucinations. No, Lutin!

No! No!

Oh! Oh, crumbs.

Mmm! Crumbs!

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Ah, there you are, sweet sister.

Another fantastic performance in there.

Magnificent dusting!

And I must say, your new false teeth look exceedingly scary.

I'm not wearing any false teeth.

Oh, yes. Erm...

Well, I just popped in to say there's nothing to worry about.

The customers are happy, the coffers are bulging

and everything is under control.

Under control? Under control!

I saw - they were running amok.

-Running a-what?

-Shut up!

Is it not obvious to you they're not ghost-hunters at all?

-There's only one explanation.

-Surprise party?

-No!

-Ow!

They must be inspectors from the sheriff's office.

Oh, dear.

I've been worried for some time the law are onto our scam.

This could be the end of business.

I'll stop the tour immediately.

I shall offer them a full refund. SHE GASPS

THUD, GLASS SMASHES

Sis? Oh, sis.

Sorry. Yes, sorry.

Never, ever say the "R" word in my presence ever again.

-Yes?

-This is what we'll do.

-Right.

We'll give them the haunted cleaning cupboard story

and when I really appear, it's time for them to DROP OUT forever.

THEY LAUGH MENACINGLY

I'm sorry, you've lost me.

You pull the lever

for them to fall through the trap door into the dungeon.

Oh, very clever, sis! The le...! Oh, very good!

-Oh, sis.

-Yeah?

-Just one small thing.

Your false nose...

NOSE CRACKS It's on crooked.

I'm not wearing a false nose.

Oh, dear!

Dom! You can stop hiding now. The ghost's gone.

-DOM TAPS WOOD

-Yep, fine, fine, fine.

Absolutely no woodworm in here.

Oh, hello! Hiding? I wasn't hiding.

So, er, where's the ghost?

Oh, don't say I've missed it! What terrible luck!

I could have got it if you'd given me the vial.

No, I could have got it if YOU had given ME the vial.

-You already had the vial.

-YOU already had the vial.

-Stop repeating everything I say.

-Stop repeating everything

-I

-say.

-That's it!

-That's it!

-Yah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

-Yah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

DOM SNEEZES

Oh! Oh...

Rargh!

Aaaah!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

No!

Phew!

You know, for a minute I thought that it was going to...

-Aah!

-SMASH!

WINSTON: Hello?

Ah!

Quick! Don't let him see. Don't let him see!

Everything all right, inspectors?

I mean, inspecting the ghosts, are we?

Smashing.

Very well. In that case, gentlemen, follow me

for a truly terrifying spectacle.

HE PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES

The floating ironing board of Argh Manor.

-LUTIN SOBS

-It's OK.

It's OK.

Your life will continue without gingerbread.

Stage three - depression.

Oh, those little gingery men.

They're all I had in life.

That's just the gingerbread talking.

Get off me!

SHE SOBS

You know, it's odd.

This place still feels very familiar.

HE GASPS

My heavens. Is that...?

No, it can't be.

My family crest!

Oh!

And this old scrapbook... bears my family motto.

"Caesar Aldi Lemsip Dim Sum".

"If at first you don't succeed, don't bother trying again".

Sounds like YOUR family.

My family tree!

-Amazing!

-Has it got gingerbread on it?

Lutin, you have no idea how important this is.

Ever since I was a young boy

and I was sent off to join the flea circus,

I have never known any family.

This place must belong to my ancestors.

Ha!

Listen to this.

This is the knot from the ship of my ancestor Stannitol,

the worst sailor in Bottom World.

He caused the Great Flood of 720.

The GREAT Flood - not just any flood.

Ooh, this is a fish from my ancestor Crannitol.

Apparently the only other thing he caught was chickenpox.

Yes, he was the worst fisherman in Bottom World.

MANNITOL CHUCKLES Spotting a theme here.

You know, I feel a real connection with these people

and I think they all lived here in this place.

Ha! These ghosts of the past.

..And so poor Beryl drowned in that tub of polish.

Mind you, she had a lovely finish!

But her spirit remained here, in the haunted cleaning cupboard...

and it is said on a dark night, if you listen very carefully,

you can still hear her ghost.

No, can't hear anything.

No, what a shame(!) Let's go.

Er, you may care to stand here, a little closer to the trap...

er, cupboard.

Yes, ha-ha-ha!

"GHOST": Oooh!

I give you the spirits. Thank you and good night.

SPOOKILY: Whoo-oo-oo! Whoo-oo...

THEY SCREAM

Wicked! Are you the ghost of Beryl?

You-ou-ou must go now.

-What's it like being a ghost?

-We don't like humans, clear off!

We've got one! Hold up the vial.

-Dom? Dom?

-DOOR CLOSES

I'm just looking at something inside this clock.

Not again!

Leave now or face the deadly duster.

Uh. Oh.

Dana, my dear, are you there?

Dana? Dana?

Oh...

There you are. My dear, looking radiant as ever!

EERIE WHISPERING

I know you're angry but that really wasn't my fault.

You should have told me there were two trap doors.

All right, it WAS my fault.

Now, Dana, don't get into one of your huffs.

I can sort it all out.

Dana, love, please.

Dana! Talk to me!

Would you like a cup of tea?

D'you know, that disguise gets better and better.

You look just like a ghost.

Yeah.

You are a...

HE GASPS ..gh...g-g-g-ghost!

HE SCREAMS

Oh! Look at this.

This is a picture of my great-great-great-aunt Pammitol.

She was the last person to live in the manor.

She was a witch.

Briefly.

Apparently she disappeared only a day after joining the coven.

No-one knows what happened to her.

What a shame.

Oh, these must be her belongings.

Teabags.

A biscuit barrel.

Hm. Mm.

SPOOKY VOICE: Gingerbread!

Yes, calm down. It's probably empty.

Must have it.

Must get it.

Must eat it.

Oh! No!

Oh, the stories are true.

Stage four - feeding frenzy.

Aaaah!

Aaah-aaah.

Oooh, leave now or I will have to summon the scouring pad of despair.

-Better idea - rip off your head and juggle with it.

-Oooh!

Dom, bring over the vial.

-I can't.

-Why not?

All right, I'll admit it.

I'm scared of ghosts.

I knew it!

-Everyone, there's a ghost!

-Well, duh! Yeah!

Not her. This was a real g-g-g-ghost.

Eh?

Oh, for goodness sake!

Please, inspectors, it was horrible.

We're not inspectors.

Are you not? Oh, this just gets chuffing better(!)

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I just establish...

This isn't a real ghost.

Ten out of ten!

We don't do refunds. You got what you came for - a good fright.

For the record, I wasn't even slightly scared.

Will no-one listen to me? There's a real ghost!

Shut up, Winston! You've been doing this job too long.

CRASHING

What were that?

It's her. She's come for us. Look!

LUTIN WAILS

Give me my gingerbread!

SHE GOBBLES GREEDILY

Oh. I couldn't stop her. The withdrawal has been too strong.

You clot, Winston! That is not a ghost.

WINSTON: No, you don't understand. That was different.

-She was...blue, transparent.

-I bet she was(!)

Another one of your tall stories, Winston.

Well, you won't get another kankel out of us.

An old lady, stirring a cup, with a long, flowing dress,

grey hair, a dimpled chin and she's asking me...

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah, that's it. Would you like...?

Would you... Oooh!

Dom, get the vial.

I can't move!

Quick, get it now!

Mannitol?

Auntie?

Would you like a cup of tea?

Not really.

THEY LAUGH

And so all this time, you've been trapped inside that vase.

Yes. Thank goodness your clumsy friends came along.

-Our pleasure.

-We're not THAT clumsy.

Would you like another cup of, er...?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

So, how did you die, Auntie?

I didn't. I was trying to cast a spell to mend my curtains

and I burped and I turned myself into a ghost.

I was never very good at magic.

-Yep, you can see they're family.

-You've perked up.

I think the gingerbread's worn off a bit now.

Well, to make sure you're not tempted again,

we've put it all... well out of reach.

Auntie Pammitol found your stash.

Fine!

-Ahem!

-Oh.

Er, Mannitol...

I think it's time.

Time for what, dear?

We have a favour to ask you, Auntie.

A rather big favour.

You see, we are on a quest.

Don't look back, sis.

Or up. Or down.

-Or anywhere.

-Winston, will you wait?

-Winston! Stop!

-What you doing?

-We have to go back.

-Back?

Are you mad? There's a real ghost in there.

Exactly. Think about it.

A ghost in Argh Manor.

A real ghost! What does a real ghost mean, Winston?

-We'll be shaking in our boots?

-No, don't be stupid!

A real ghost means real ghost tour business.

-Of course.

-Ha-ha!

No more Beryl the cleaner,

no more haunted squeegee mop of doom.

Can I still play my organ? HE PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES

If you must. Think of the possibilities, Winston.

We'll be able to charge thousands of kankels per tour.

We'll be rich!

Why didn't I think of that?

Because you're more thick than a clotted cement milkshake.

Those crafty princes aren't, though, are they? Come on!

I'm with you all the way, sis. Wait for me.

Wait for me, sis. Oh!

MANNITOL SIGHS

-Are you sure you want to do this, Auntie?

-Of course.

It's the least I can do.

After all, life's pretty boring as a ghost.

I'd much rather help those poor people in your kingdom.

I wish it could have been different. We've only just met.

So many tales to tell, stories to swap.

-I doubt it. She's a bit boring.

-Shh!

Come on. Can't keep everyone waiting.

I can't.

Oh, now, Mannitol, don't get emotional.

No, he really can't. He's rubbish.

Vodafone, Home Alone, Cotes Du Rhone, Emmerdale.

Goodbye, Mannitol.

Don't forget to wash behind your ea-a-a-a-rs.

Goodbye...Auntie.

LUTIN: Get in! The last ingredient!

-DANA:

-The party's over.

-Where is she?

-Hey, that's our ghost.

That ghost belongs to us. Give it back.

Not on your Nelly! Come here, you!

Dick!

Dick! Dick!

WINSTON LAUGHS

HE GROANS

RATTLING

Yes!

Finders keepers! Ha-ha!

WINSTON AND DANA MOAN

Oh!

D'you think they're OK?

-SPOOKILY:

-Whoo-oo-oo-ooh!

-Dana, what happened?

-What's going on?

Oh, no!

This is your fault.

Look on the bright side, sis.

-We'll be able to spend much more time together.

-Oh!

And so with the last ingredient on their list

finally added to the vial, the antidote was complete.

Our heroes could now proudly return to their plague-ravaged homeland.

There - that's all of us immune.

I'll just keep it safe.

Right, onwards to Fyredor.

ALL: To Fyredor!

-Are we nearly there yet?

-No!

-How long is it going to take?

-Well, um...

A little longer than you may think.

In fact, I don't think you'll ever be returning to Fyredor.

HE CACKLES

MOUSE SQUEAKS, HE CHOKES

HE CACKLES

Subtitles be Red Bee Media Ltd

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