The Great Trainer Robbery The Revenge Files of Alistair Fury

Hail, fellow Revengers, welcome to a tour of my wardrobe.

This is the only pair of shoes I own and these don't count

cos I HAVE to wear these to school.

If you wear shoes that aren't school shoes to school,

-Miss Bird destroys them.

-Pull!

These are desperate times for shoes.

# Ah, get her, get him Gettin' even ain't a sin

# Sister Mel and brother Will Make 'em take a bitter pill

-# Serve it up lukewarm

-Lukewarm

-# Yes, the storm before the storm

-Before the storm

# Oh, look out, world His average is good

# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old

# You know, the boy with the camera He's gonna scam ya

# Harder than Stonehenge It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #

These are the trainers I need.

Everybody's wearing them.

The new Robbin Hood Trainer.

"For the urban outlaw." That's me.

But I can't afford them because I'm poor, on account of having

my pocket money stopped because I accidentally

spilled something on Mum's sofa.

My big brother and sister, on the other foot, have loads of money.

Mel can buy herself different clothes every day just to impress

her latest boyfriend.

Tarquin! Hellair.

Far out, man.

Och! And a broad-bricht moonlit nicht to you, Hamish!

And William's saving up to buy a motorbike so he's got

millions in his wardrobe next to his secret stash of motorbike magazines.

What are you doing in my room?

And why are you looking at my motorbike magazines?

I thought I made it clear that they do NOT exist.

-But they do.

-No, they don't, cos Dad doesn't like motorbikes, remember?

If you ride a motorbike, that is what a car will do to your head!

And to your arms!

And your eyeballs!

Never, never, never, never, never buy a motorbike

or I'll throw you out of the house without any sandwiches!

I do remember that. We had smoothies for a week.

Well, remember this, if I ever find out

that you've told Dad about me buying a motorbike, I'll...

You can't do that with a banana.

-I

-can. Mum wants to see you downstairs.

-Why?

It's for you.

-Is it what I think it is?

-Well...

Oh, Mum, I love you!

I don't normally feel guilty, Alistair, but on this occasion.

I was passing that cheap second-hand stall in the market,

and thought you might like them.

They're just like the Robbin Hood trainers you wanted, aren't they?

To be honest, Alistair, I thought, "What is the point of spending £80

-"on trainers you're only going to grow out of?"

-These cost £4.99.

Why do mums always do that?

Why do they always buy the wrong thing cos it's cheap?

What's wrong? Don't you like them?

-No! They're...

-The nicest trainers I've ever seen in my life(!)

Look at the shine off that plastic(!)

Can I take them back if they don't fit?

I KNEW you didn't like them! That is so typical of you, Alistair.

I should be dreaming up programme ideas for the BBC,

not rushing around trying to buy shoes.

-The BBC asked you to make a TV programme?

-Not exactly.

They want me to create a new idea for a cookery show

and then make a 15-minute tape.

It's only a demo but at least somebody appreciates me.

And if you don't like what I buy you, Alistair Fury,

then in the future, you can just buy it yourself.

-But I can't. You stopped my pocket money, remember?

-Did we?

-Eight months ago.

-But we started paying that again.

-No...

-Dad! I think mum left expecting you to tell him off.

-Yeah.

Right. Um...

Alistair, when you get a present that you don't like,

-you should make some effort to hide your disappointment.

-How?

Um...well, like smiling, like this.

Aah.

Fellow revengers, this revenge is brilliant.

It pays back Mum for being mean

and gets me Robbin Hood trainers at the same time.

-Explain how it works, Aaron.

-We get rid of the cheap trainers, then...

We haven't worked out how to do that yet.

Cos we've got to make Mum think it was an accident

-or she won't believe it.

-I was going to say that.

Sorry. You can tell them about me going barefoot

so I cut my feet and limp and show my brilliant acting.

-You've done it again.

-Sorry.

I'll shut up. You do it.

I've forgotten where I was now.

Alistair's bleeding feet make Mum so guilty she buys him new trainers.

That's not fair. I didn't get to do any of it.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Alistair! Oh, hi, fellas.

There's a damsel in distress to see you!

-Pamela.

-Oh, Alistair! I'm desperate.

You're the only one who can help me.

It's not funny. My hamster-sitter didn't turn up.

-Oh, dear.

-And I thought...

you're always offering to do things for me,

so YOU could look after him while I'm away.

That means you'll have to pay me another visit to pick him up.

-Is that a problem?

-Not for me.

I'm flying back from Riga on Sunday after the finals.

What is it? A beauty contest?

Chess, Alistair.

Now, he's a very rare Russian blue hamster worth £95.

So here's my phone number in case he gets too sad while I'm away.

-Why are you doing that?

-You just gave me your phone number.

I hope Hammy's going to be safe with you, Alistair.

I'll look after him with my life.

Good. Because if he dies, I will never talk to you again.

I will hunt you down to the four corners of the earth

-and do the same to you.

-What if he dies of flu?

-Same to you.

Right. That's not very fair, though, is it?

Suppose he catches his little leg in his little wheel,

gets gangrene and dies of that?

Same to you.

-You really love this hamster, don't you?

-I do.

I'm going now, Alistair. Thank you.

Thank you for coming to my house, Pamela.

If there is a God, I bet he's got a little pink nose and whiskers.

-How do you mean?

-Well, hamsters eat shoes, don't they?

So get chewing!

And while you're at it, do them 'n' all.

Aren't you going to help?

Can't. I've got a side revenge planned for William.

A-a-a-agh!

-Who was screaming?

-What's happened?

Disaster, Mummy.

Look what Pamela's hungry hamster's done to my trainers.

Oh, blithering blast! I was starting to like these trainers.

What am I going to wear on my feet now?

I'll find you summat.

Stop interfering!

Who's that?

She's got a date with a new boyfriend on Saturday. A librarian.

If that hamster's just eaten two pairs of shoes,

then how come he's not fat?

He was, but he was sick and shrank back down again.

-That's one elastic hamster.

-Yeah.

-You're not getting round me.

-You can have these.

-But they're pink!

-They're perfect.

-Until you can afford your own shoes, wear these.

-Alice!

Since when was a hamster clever enough to leave a note, saying,

"Sorry I ate your motorbike magazines

"but I'm a hamster, I don't know better.

-"Love, Hammy the hamster. Kiss, kiss."?

-Hm-hm.

Oh, hi, Dad. I didn't think you were in here.

Clearly.

What were you going to do with these? Buy a motorbike?

Shall I fetch a rolling pin and fruit,

-or will you demonstrate on William's head?

-Hmm.

Oh, I see. You thought I bought these magazines to buy a motorbike!

So far so good, fellow revengers.

One tiny hamster had created two mighty revenges.

Now watch how easily a revenge can go wrong

when you add two stupid parents!

No. I bought these magazines

because I was researching an idea that I'd had for Mum's BBC demo.

Really?!

Go on, William.

It's called Celia Fury Hits The Road For Drivers That Suddenly Feel

-Peckish And Are Miles Away From A Service Station.

-Mm-hm.

-Basically,

it's about cooking stuff that you find dead on the side of the road.

You mean roadkill?

-That's disgusting.

-But is it, though?

-Yes.

-But all the best chefs use their motorbikes to find their

ingredients, like Jamie Oliver and Two Fat Ladies and the Hairy Bikers.

Plus, it's good for the environment because you're recycling things

-that'd normally go to waste.

-Or to vultures.

-I like it.

-If you're lying, William, I'll cut your pocket money.

-He's lying.

-No, he's not!

I think it's a great idea. And you're the little liar!

-You go to your room, Alistair!

-I'm already in it.

Yes, well, then you can

-stay here while William and I go choose ourself a motorbike.

-Yeah!

So, can I have it when we're finished with it?

-Oh, yes.

-Aren't you going to stop them?

William always gets what he wants. And you hate motorbikes.

Best not to rock the boat right now. Father's Day coming up. Presents.

I am NOT chewing wellies.

The Evil Teacher.

Oh, please don't take my wellies, Miss Bird.

What do you think of this bolero jacket?

I've knitted it for a special friend of mine who's running off to Spain

to seek his fortune as a bullfighter and taking me with him.

And I'm recording this for my doctor revenge website

so my parents can see where the wellies went.

I like them, Alistair.

-Like them?!

-Love has turned me into a soft-centred caramel.

-What?!

Wear what you like.

Why does this always happen to me?

-I didn't see that one coming.

-Me neither.

I brought all the stuff to dirty up your bare feet.

Brown sauce for mud, ketchup for blood,

-dog poo...

-What have you got for that?

Chocolate sauce or something?

No, I found it on the pavement.

Ohhhhhh!

We still need to get rid of these wellies

so Mum thinks it was an accident.

Oh, I know! OK, it's on.

Let them go!

Right, if anybody asks, they were snatched by aliens.

I can't believe you got this one.

It was the cheapest.

Remember when I said, "Why do mums always do that?

Why do they always buy the wrong thing because it's cheap?"

Well, I take it all back.

When it upsets William, it's fine!

Hello.

-Who's this sitting in my kitchen?

-Can't you see I'm reading?

Can I make a suggestion?

If you want to be an intellectual, try reading the book

-the right way round.

-And how do you know

-I'm not reading an Australian novel?

-I don't.

-Sorry.

-Those are Granny's old glasses. She can't see a thing.

I keep telling you, I can see fine.

Here, catch!

You're right. Can't see a thing. < CRASH!

Help!

The Barefoot Urchin.

Agh! Agh!

Agh!

You'll never believe what's just happened.

I've been attacked by some aliens from outer space

who stole my wellies. I've got it on film if you want proof.

Now I've nothing to wear on my poor bleeding feet.

Agh! Agh!

Oooh!

Does no-one feel any sympathy for me?

Is this another feeble attempt to get me to buy you those trainers?

No. But now you mention it...

-I do need cheering up, Mummy.

-Oh, now you're talking.

I can cheer you up.

You mean you will buy them?

-No. I'm going to make you a lovely crow pancake.

-Ugh!

-I'm off to read in my room before she asks me to taste it.

-Me too.

-Not so fast, Alistair.

-Ow!

-I can see fine!

-Have a seat.

Just want to have a little chat

about my Father's Day present.

Now, as you can see there, I've just

drawn up a simple little chart showing how much each of you

have spent on your mum for Mother's Day

and how much you intend to spend on me.

Not that I'm in competition with your mother.

I wouldn't want anything more than her. That wouldn't be fair.

But, at the same time, I wouldn't want anything less.

So, bearing that in mind, just how much exactly do you intend to spend?

Remember, I am the rock around which you build your life.

It doesn't have to be an exact figure. Just give me a ball park.

-Is it more or less than £2.10?

-Nothing.

Nothing?

I keep telling you, I haven't had any pocket money for eight months.

But we've been giving your pocket money to Mel and Will.

Mel and Will?!

They said you'd wanted them to keep it for you.

So that Alastair doesn't spend

-all his pocket money on his silly revenges.

-Oh, OK.

There you go.

One lovely crow pancake, served with a choice of toppings -

sugar, maple syrup or a cheeky squeeze of squirrel.

They've been stealing my pocket money for eight months.

They must have had about £80.

That's enough to buy a pair of Robbin Hood trainers.

I've never felt as robbed!

-So why don't you rob them back?

-You can't do that.

Why? Robbin Hood did. He robbed the rich to give to the poor.

But did he spend it on trendy trainers?

-They didn't have trainers then.

-Probably had designer sandals.

It's brilliant - it's not robbing at all.

I'm just taking back what's mine.

If we find ourselves the secret hideaway, will you be my merry men?

Aye, we will.

Only if we don't have to wear tights, though.

-Go on, try one.

-How much of it is real hedgehog?

All of it.

-OK.

-Where are you lot going?

Hello, Mr and Mrs Fury.

We can't tell you. It's a secret.

That'll be the shed, then. Oh, guys, er...

Before you disappear into the forest,

how would you like to try a freshly made hedgehog burger?

Oh, that was spiky.

Welcome to Shedwood Forest, home to Alistair Hoodie

and his Revenging Men, Ralph Scarlet

and Little Aaron. You don't have to stand on your knees.

-Everybody knows you're not little.

-OK.

-Right, everyone clear about the revenge?

-Yes.

I'll do Will while you two get my money back off Mel.

The Melanie Felony.

Are you sure this is what we should be wearing?

You were the one who didn't want to wear tights.

Look, the baggier the jeans, the harder we look.

It's the urban outlaw's outfit.

But I have to keep on holding my trousers up

-or I'll keep showing my pants.

-There they are.

Tyler, this book I'm reading is so beautiful it makes me want to weep.

That's what great literature will do for you.

I've always found it works better the right way round.

-Oh!

-What if she recognises us?

-In those glasses?

So have you always wanted to be a librarian?

Since the first day I read a book.

And what was that?

-Spot's Big Adventure.

-I've read that! I love Spot.

He's good, isn't he?

So tell me, when you read it, did you think, as I did,

that Spot resisted a canine interpretation

and slipped into allegory? As if Eric Hill

was using his hero as a social barometer,

if you will, to expose the chasm

in contemporary society between the haves and the have-nots?

I thought he was a dog.

Let's read some more.

Stop! We're outlaws from Shedwood Forest,

robbing from the rich and giving to the poor!

-Oh, no! Melanie, give them your handbag!

-Tyler, what are you doing?!

-Have you seen how baggy their jeans are?

-I can't see anything. ..Wah!

My glasses! I can't see owt without my glasses!

Oh, I can. YOU two?!

-Run!

-Tyler!

Tyler!

Fellow revengers, we've got £8,

which is exactly what they took off me, and exactly how much I need

to buy my new trainers. Luckily, we're in our secret hideaway,

under the trees, so no one can find us.

-Alice? >

-How did he find us in here?

-Mel and I want a word.

-No-o-o!

HE GROANS

Are you all right?

They forced me to eat Mum's Bowel of Owl And Raven Gravy...

-Twit-twoo! Twit-twoo!

-No!

..but I didn't tell them where the money was.

-It wouldn't have mattered if you did cos it's not there any more.

-What!?

Howie must have eaten all the money while we were listening to you

screaming for your mum.

We can't give that back to Pamela tomorrow. It's dead.

-I know.

-Just have to buy another and pretend it's the same one.

How can you buy a £95 hamster

when you haven't had pocket money for eight months?

And I've still got to spend at least £3 on Dad's present.

And buy your trainers.

Why does this always happen to me?

-You'll just have to make him a present.

-No! He hates home-made.

He won't. I made my mum a rubber band out of a piece of string once.

-And she cried.

-And after you've given it to him tomorrow,

-we'll go round people's houses and offer to do a Bob-A-Revenge.

-What?

It's like in the olden days when Boy Scouts were helpful

by doing a Bob-A-Job, only we're being helpful by doing revenges.

OK, but first, we've got to get rid of the hamster.

-How do you get rid of a dead hamster?

-Simple.

I got rid of Hammy, made Dad a present

and told Mel and Will NOT to come looking for their money

in the woods.

It's absolutely beautiful.

Just what I've always wanted.

You're going to have to go a long way to beat this, Alistair.

And this is what, exactly?

A pen holder.

Yeah. A word of advice, Alistair.

If you're going to make a present, make it something useful.

When have you ever seen me writing? I only use pens to clean my ears.

Sometimes, Alice, you've got to stop thinking about yourself

and make an effort to show someone how much you love 'em.

I thought I HAD made an effort!

That took seven minutes to make!

As long as that?

Our glorious leader is back at home doing a revenge on his dad

but will be joining Ralph and I on our Bob-A-Revenge rounds shortly.

Thanks to Jarvis who e-mailed Too Much Of A One Thing Revenge

for Alistair's dad.

"Swamp him with pens so that he needs a pen holder

"and has to grovel an apology to Alistair."

So that's why Alistair's been calling all the pen manufacturers

in the phone book and telling them that he's opening a new bank

and needs thousands of free pens to give to the customers.

Good morning, madam. Do you have any revenges that need doing?

..85, 90, 95...

£98! That's brilliant!

Who'd have thought grown-ups were in such desperate need for revenges?

-They're worse than us!

-Far more petty.

You can buy the hamster and still have some money for strawberries.

-Strawberries?

-The Strawberry Helmet Revenge?

Because your mum made us eat dirty animals.

-Oh, yeah!

-And if we do this again next week,

we can earn enough money to buy your trainers.

Ra-a-a-argh! >

-Ready?

-Ready.

Ra-a-argh!

Ra-a-argh!

You're not trying. I am.

Think of this as your chance to make it up to me, Tyler.

The chance to prove you're not a wimpy librarian.

I'm not! I've read this book you gave me twice!

Are you ready to find your "inner beast"? >

Yeah. I said, are you ready?

-Ready!

-I can't hear you!

-Ready!

And again! READY!

Right, go get our money back, Tiger!

ALL: Yeah!

Ra-a-a-rgh!

Hand over the money, scumbags! I'll string you up by your thumbs

and leave you to swing for the crows!

-I'll be off to buy the hamster, then.

-OK.

Where's Hammy, Alistair?

-Here. Safe and sound.

-Are you sure?

Yes. I'm not lying.

-So why has he stopped doing the trick I taught him?

-What trick?

I'm surprised he never did it for you. He's always doing it.

Whenever I hold him in my hand he pretends he's dead

-so that I'll give his tummy a rub.

-He pretends?!

..Oh!

I'm coming, Hammy. I'm coming!

-So THAT'S where you've hidden our money!

-I've already told you.

-The hamster ate it.

-We don't believe you. ..Hey, that's my shoebox!

Well, there's your demo, BBC.

I hope you like the tape and that Celia Fury will be Hitting The Road

in a prime-time slot soon.

I'm off to find me some more delicious dead animals.

In the meantime, remember - don't drive safely!

THEY LAUGH

DOORBELL RINGS

All right, Alistair. Point taken.

I DO need a pen holder.

I love you. Here...

go on and get those trainers for yourself, yeah?

Yeah!

How do you like my Robbin Hood trainers, Miss Bird?

Unluckily for you, Alistair Fury,

my matador flew off to Spain without me!

No, no, no!